The Pivotal “Good-Friend-Fruit” Moment

Friend is one of the words I think is used too much in society. What I mean is this... I believe its one of those words we use flippantly, like the words ‘love’ and ‘yes’. We have become comfortable using all of these words before we know if we really mean them or not. How many times have you said yes to something then later really wish you hadn’t? I always chuckle when I’m watching some good reality television and two girls that have only known each other for 2 hours say “I love you so much!” Really?

To me, ‘friend’ has always meant someone who cares about me, someone I can talk to, someone I trust and I care for back in the same way. But my understanding of the word ‘friend’ began being misunderstood very early in life. My teachers taught me to call every single one of my classmates my ‘friend’. This is still true today in my son’s class. This led me to think that all of my classmates were people who cared about me, people I could talk to, and people I should trust and give back to in the same way. This misunderstand led me to have zero boundaries in friendship. ZERO.

Later in life, after I learned that not everyone was really my ‘friend’ I found a new meaning of the word. It was this… anyone who I wanted to be my friend was given the title ‘friend’. I had a lot of ‘friends’ that never even spoke to me. Sad…but true.

After that, it was people who worked with me. They were my ‘friends’. I forgot the part about them being at the same place I was to get paid to do a job. We never saw each other outside of the office but we were best ‘friends’.

The word ‘friend’ was constantly being redefined throughout my life. At one point ‘friends’ became the people who drank at the same bar with me. Then came sobriety. ‘Friends’ were the people who got sober with me at meetings. After being in recovery for a while, ‘friend’ changed again… anyone who needed me to help them get sober OR anyone who made confessions to me.

There was a woman by the name of Stephanie Canfield in the Bible Study I joined in 2008. In 2009 we got to know each other a little bit, but not a ton. In 2010 in one of those strange coincident (also known as God-incident) type deals, I ended up agreeing to be the guest speaker at a women's retreat she was heading up. The plan was for me tell the story of my life and teach about boundaries and expectations. It’s funny as I look back; I was probably the least qualified person in the world to do that at the time I was asked. But God said yes, so I said yes. I began working with Stephanie regularly in planning this retreat.

I was in a very lonely place in my life then, June 2010, and had lost nearly all the ‘friends’ who were important to me. I looked at the past carnage of my ‘friend’ relationships and realized something… it was a revolving door. There was only one explanation; there was only one common denominator… Me. I was the problem. I looked at the word ‘friend’ and realized I had no idea what it really meant and I asked God to try and teach me. How does a person take their time and grow a healthy, mature friendship? It didn’t seem possible to me. My ‘friends’ had always been instant friends. In preparation to talk about boundaries and expectations at the retreat, I did all sorts of reading about healthy friendships. I read about the importance of waiting for a person to ‘prove’ their character before you invest in them too deeply. It sounded great in theory but it didn’t sound possible to me. It had never happened in my life and I didn't want anymore pain so I withdrew knowing I had to fix my issues first. My desire to have a real friend and to be a real friend took the back burner.

I had absolutely no interest in adding a new ‘friend’ to my life and my walls were up big time so each time Stephanie and I got together to discuss things, I would get straight to the point and then move on with my day. I didn’t do it on purpose but I invested nothing of myself in her even though she was super nice. As time went on, she continued being nice, even as I gave her nothing in return. She simply kept being herself and never let what I was like affect the outcome. One day I was so upset by something that I excused myself from the Bible study room. She came out to see if I was okay and it was then I had to admit to myself that I liked her, she was nice. It was then I also realized I had been completely un-invested in her and I was scared to death to try. In my fear, I shifted gears from unintentional withdrawal to… complete intentional shut-off. not long after, I became extremely depressed and almost backed out of the retreat all together.

But she called me on one of my really depressed days, just to ask me how I was. My heart led me to tell her in a very simple way that I was struggling. I didn’t give her any details, just told her life was hard for me right then. She didn’t pry, or beg for details. She didn't jump into drama, try to cheer me up or try fix things. She just asked if she could pray for me. And that was it. No drama and no judgment.

My depression passed and I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of that phone call and the way she reacted to it, I began to let go just a little bit at a time as I would see her or talk to her. Before long, we were speaking frequently, and laughing together a lot. I had invested some of Wendy, but only some. I wasn’t planning to go any further.

There was a job posting at my church that I was really excited about. I sent my resume in and was all set with an interview. I was sure this was what God was calling me to do. It felt perfect! Stephanie called me to check on something about the retreat and I mentioned to her in passing that I had applied for the job. I told her how excited I was. She was quiet and didn’t say much about it and we got off the phone a little awkwardly. I thought it was odd but didn’t put much thought into it.

The next morning, my phone rang bright and early… 8:00a.m. It was Stephanie. She had something she had to tell me and from the sound of her voice, it was important and she was a little nervous. She proceeded to tell me that she had also applied for the same job and also had an interview. She hadn’t been sure at first what to say when I told her how excited I was about it so she didn’t say anything. But she struggled with it all night not able to sleep. She talked if over with her husband and prayed about it. She knew she should tell me so I could hear it from her and not someone else but was worried about how I might react since I had been so excited about it. She didn’t want me to think she was keeping anything from me or that she was trying to go up against me. I could hear the honesty and sincerity in her voice and it touched me in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. We had a good laugh together over the whole thing and both knew that whoever got the job, would be God’s pick. We told each other that no matter what, we wouldn’t let it get in the way of our… friendship. Yes, I actually used that word.

It was after I got off the phone and had time to process it God said, “That is how a person proves to you that you may invest yourself more deeply in them. That is the kind of person who should become your friend, Wendy.”

The Lord Jesus tells us, “Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing… you will know them by their fruit.” I thought about some of my hurts in friendship from the past and realized I’ve invested myself in a lot of wolves, which was easy since I myself have been a wolf at times. And I had a habit of investing all of myself way too fast… certainly before any proof was given about their character. In many cases, I was fully aware of the rotten fruit but went forward anyway (FYI: that is not to say my fruit was any better). Stephanie’s call to me was certainly proof of her character. Her fruit was good; I could see that without doubt. After that, I was able to release more of myself. After that even more… and by the time the retreat came, there wasn’t much left to hold back. We had really become friends, slowly and naturally.

She ended up getting the job instead of me. I was sad about it because I had been so sure God wanted me to have it. I really thought it was “the fit” for me, and not getting it was hard on my ego. Even still, I can honestly say I was totally happy for her though. It was a perfect fit for her life and it was obvious to me, after giving her the congratulations call that God truly wanted it to be hers. God had a different plan for me. And it turned out, yes God had wanted me to apply for that job, but not so I would get it. No, I believe He wanted me to experience that pivotal and necessary moment of true character that allows a person to let go and know… the friend-fruit is good. He was teaching me. And, having a new job was the opposite of His plan for me. I’ll write about that on a later date.

Today, Stephanie and I are even better friends. We do not speak everyday and we don’t know every detail of each others lives but we surely are friends. She is the kind of friend I can call up and ask to challenge my thinking. She is the kind of friend who I know will be honest with me even if it might sting a little bit. She is the kind of friend who reminds me that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect when I am too hard on myself. I only hope I am the same kind of friend back to her! We have shared some struggles and have been able to laugh at ourselves together. We have shared some victories and have rejoiced together. We’ve cried together, been nervous together, poured out awful coffee together, laughed at fake proverbs together, had God’s blinding flash of the obvious hit us together and most importantly… prayed together. I am very thankful for her in my life. I understand what the word ‘friend’ means today because of her. I have been able to build some other amazing friendships in my life because of her example and gifts. My fruit has improved dramatically because of her influence in my life. Thank you God for sending Stephanie my way! Thank you Stephanie for being my friend.