Wag

I was on my way to pick up my daughter from school just a little bit ago. I was driving a little above the speed limit - 32 in a 30. I came up on a car driving 20. We were both in the left lane, and I needed to make a left turn several miles down the road. I decided to pass the car on his right instead of staying at his pace - I had plenty of time so I wasn't worried. When I got up next to him, he looked over at me and pointed then sped up. I went a little faster to try and get ahead to slide over in front of him but he sped up too making it impossible. My turn was coming so I decided to slow down and get back in behind him. The minute I was behind him, he slowed to 20 again. Ugh. We arrived at the traffic light where I needed to turn left, he was the only car in front of me and as soon as we were both stopped, he looked in his rear view mirror making eye contact with me and began to wag his finger. I looked away, in a attempt to ignore. When I faced forward again, his finger began another wag. He did this 4 times until finally the light turned green and he went on his merry way. I made my left turn and all was well in the world, right? I wish things like this didn't get under my skin. It is times like this I truly wonder what has happened to basic human decency. It is times like this I understand why some people do very bad things in the heat of the moment.

I am proud of myself for not doing what I wanted to do... give him the finger. I am proud of myself for not yelling obscenities at him or jumping out of my car to go punch him in the face. He doesn't know me... I was obeying the law but apparently not to his approval. He took it upon himself to stop me from doing something HE didn't want me to do even though it was fully within my rights. My rights... as a driver, as a person, and as an American citizen. HE had to stop me, and he did. But he took it a step further and found it necessary to scold me... scold me for something that wasn't wrong. Scold me - a 43 year old woman he knows nothing about. I could have been in labor and on my way to the hospital, I could have had a child screaming in the back seat... I could have been suffering with a bout of diarrhea... who knows. I also could have been a completely insane maniac with a gun in my glove box.

In the end, I feel angry, still. But I also feel sad for him. Whatever he has going on in his life, he obviously needs to gain a sense of control over someone to feel good about himself. I'm glad I didn't react the way I wanted to, I'm glad I paused and was able to respond with nothing instead. But what I wish more than anything, is that experiences like this wouldn't affect me the way they do. This will no doubt stick to me for a majority of the day - making my anxiety and bipolar tendencies rise to an uncomfortable level - maybe even to the point of needing a sedative. I wish I could just let it roll off my back, but I was not built that way. I'm glad I have tools to keep me from behaving poorly though. Super thankful for that.

I wonder if he would have done it if he had known what it would do to me emotionally and physically today? Maybe... I hope the little glint of happy he got from it was worth it.

The Pink Flag

There are lots of different types of flags in the world: city, state, country, nautical, religious, swimming, railway, decorative, racing. Personally I use a mental warning flag system. I think most of us can all agree that a red flag, means STOP! Don’t go any further!!!! Danger ahead!!! You stop at a truck stop at midnight to visit the facilities. There are 5 “MISSING” signs on the front door. The store clerk looks a little crazy and there is a chainsaw on the floor right across the hallway from the bathroom… RED FLAG!! Get back in car and find a different place to stop (sound familiar Dustin). Or how about this… you are a beautiful female looking for a new job and apply for one online. They request a picture of you and then without having an interview or even a phone conversation, the guy emails you at 7:00 on a Friday evening asking if you can come to his office and do some emergency “filing” that night... RED FLAG! Delete email and quickly block this man of questionable intelligence (that one is for Kristin). I’m sure you can think of many red flags you have gotten in your lifetime. You gotta love those red flags… they keep us out of heaps of trouble!

But what about the pink flag? How many of you have seen one of those pink flags waving around in your subconscious mind? Oh come on… you know it… it’s when the red flag is waving – flapping with loud and bright obviousness but our desire to get what we want is so strong that we somehow convince ourselves that the flag we are seeing isn’t really red… it’s just a little pink. That’s right… the pink flag is the red flag we consciously choose to ignore. I think it’s fair to say, we have ALL done it.

I’ll share one of mine with you. I was 23 and had just met a guy. We were on our second date, sitting at a bar getting loaded (that’s what we did on our first date too). My prior relationship was with a guy who I thought drank too much, he was abusive to me in many ways and had a history of not treating women very well. I wanted to change my luck in the worst way and I was hoping this new guy was it. That night, on our second date, he decided he needed to come clean with me about a few things. I sat listening to him explain … he didn’t have a driver's license because he had gotten several DUI's. If he got another one he was going to do time in the slammer. Hmmm… he was drinking heavily with me, and he had illegally driven us there in his truck without a license... RED FLAG… oh but wait, there was more. He went on to tell me he was in the process of defending himself in court… against a rape charge. He promised me the charges were bogus (and in his defense, he was later cleared). He had consensual sex with this young lady then her boyfriend found out so instead of admitting she had cheated, she cried rape. He continued on by telling me this was the reason he was single. Apparently he had also cheated that night and when he was officially charged he couldn’t hide it from his own girlfriend any longer. She broke up with him promptly after uncovering his unfaithfulness (smart girl). Can you say ginormous, humungoid, too big to even fit on the planet earth sized RED FLAG!!!!!! I remember sitting there looking at him completely freaked out. I thought, “Run!!! Run fast!! Run faster than fast!!!” but I sat contemplating for a moment on what to do next. All of the sudden, this flag – the biggest, reddest flag that had ever been waived in my direction began to slowly change colors. My gut reaction to run made me feel guilty... like I was being judgmental and it wasn't fair to judge him for his past mistakes. Then I thought to myself, “That sure must have been difficult for him to tell me all of that. Wow, that takes a lot of guts and honesty. Yes… what an honest guy! I like honesty. Honesty is a great trait for a boyfriend to have.” BAM! The flag had turned a beautiful shade of PINK!!!! You won’t be shocked to hear that my almost 3 year relationship with this guy was filled with drunken stupors, violent arguments, dishonesty, unfaithfulness and alcohol related vehicle issues… and not all of that was him - I was very guilty too. Now, I want to say this clearly, I think we Christians have this judgment thing kind of backwards sometimes. We think that we aren't supposed to judge people at all... but the truth is that we make judgments everyday. The act of judgment isn't wrong... it's what we do with the judgment in our heart and the way we treat people as a result of the judgment that becomes the issue. I would have been better served to have judged him at that time as a man that drank a bit too much, was confused about faithfulness and sexuality and just said a prayer for God to help him work that out... as I walked away. God's plan is inevitable... and if I were to walk away from someone He really wanted me to be with... He would bring him back around when the timing was better. I have full faith in that.

Red flags are red for a reason. Think about what would have happened the night of the first Passover if one of the Israelites decided to dilute the blood he brushed on the doorway for protection. Death, that’s what would have happened. So why then do I choose to ignore the red flags God gifts me with in my life? Do I really think I have a better plan? Do I really think I have the power to make a situation turn out differently? Back then I knew that guy was not going to be the good guy I needed. All the signs were there, but I thought I could be awesome enough to make him love me enough to change and be different. So, from the very beginning, the relationship was about ME…that’s how selfish and arrogant I was, and that’s just crazy!!! I have a hard enough time trying to change myself, why the heck would I be able to change someone else? This changing stuff is for God alone. He is the only one who can change others, He is the only one who can change me and He should be the only one in charge of the flag colors. The bible says, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no.” I’m not always good at that… but I’m gonna try my hardest to let my green flags be green and red flags be red; to judge appropriately without guilt... no more pink.

(special thanks to Jennie Carlson ... you rock sweetie - I love ya!!!)