“Renewal in Christ” basically gave me some tools to use in my prayer life. Some of them I had already known about and some of them were brand new to me. One of the warnings at the end was that since I had taken the steps to improve my connection with God I might expect that the devil would be waiting in the wings to tempt me away from God and make my prayer life challenging for a time. I have to admit, that came to fruition. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was… but I had an extremely difficult time praying for months after the class. It was difficult to even string a sentence together towards God… so difficult that I would just settle on saying, “I’m sorry God… I’m trying.” I tried several different techniques but none of them worked. I was all over the place, couldn’t concentrate… and left a lot of my prayers to be said on my behalf by people I love (by the way… that works too. If you find you are unable… others CAN help and the Spirit is always there ready and willing to intercede on your behalf). One day I broke down when talking with a therapist. I told him I hadn’t been able to pray in a long time and that it was really bothering me. He told me to just keep trying, that was all God wanted. So, that’s what I did.
About a month ago, I had a breakthrough in my prayer life after finally doing something I think God had been wanting me to do for months… nail down my priorities! I got a huge piece of butcher paper, a ruler and some magic markers and created a month schedule. My priorities came into focus as I filled in the minutes of the days. I scheduled a 30 minute prayer time for myself everyday! It’s funny, once the schedule was complete… my prayers just came easy as pie. I haven’t missed a day yet and they flow easily – I end up going over my 30 minutes without even realizing it. As a result, my daily conscious connection to God is so much better!
I decided to take the plunge and plan a longer prayer time… the pastor who taught “Renewal in Christ” suggested baby steps in this… to go from a portion of your day to maybe a day and then a weekend and then perhaps even up to a week. I asked my husband if he would be cool with me a taking a weekend away from it all to just be with myself and connect with God. Thankfully, he was fully supportive so I made my reservation at a local resort.
I didn’t know what to expect at all. There is the part of me that is very fearful of new situations and places. I wasn’t sure if I would be petrified and just stay in my hotel room alone all weekend… or if I’d be able to venture out a bit. The place I stayed had 40 acres, a beautiful lake and both indoor and outdoor pool and hot tubs. It was gorgeous! It felt strange at first, my heart felt kind of hardened. A friend let me borrow a prayer book/meditation called “With Open Hands” I pulled it out of my bag as I unpacked. I was feeling strange so I decided to go for a walk around the grounds to find where everything was. Should I eat, where should I eat? Should I go swimming, which pool? Should I take a walk, which trail? Should I watch TV? The only thing on was Criminal Minds and that really wasn’t what I had in mind for a prayer retreat! It didn’t take long before I was sitting in my room feeling strange again, so I went ahead and sat down to read through the first chapter of the prayer book. Funny… it was about silence. The meditation was “Why do I avoid silence?” If that didn’t hit the nail on the head for why I felt strange… I don’t know what would have. My life is SO noisy… cell phones, television, a 4 year old constantly needing something, a dog who barks about everything, the radio in the car... silence just doesn’t happen unless I make it happen. This was my chance to really make it happen… I embraced it and allowed the strangeness to slide away. I laid down in the dark and silent room and meditated for a long while then decided to just drift off to sleep.
The morning was glorious! I felt brand new!!! I felt happy and restored!!! I dec

I found myself able to do something I hadn’t been able to do in a long time… just be fully kind with no expectations. I was wearing a smile… and saying hello to everyone around me. It was like the piece of Jesus that once resided in me was back!!! My retreat had already accomplished something amazing, I could end it now and be elated. I think it’s only fair to say, that the kind part of me that seemed to be missing hadn’t really gone anywhere… it had just gotten crusted over with some hardening. Life does that to us sometimes. That’s why we all need retreats.
I went to the pool. I was the only one there and it was cool, only because of how early it w

I took another walk later… found a cozy little corner outside with tall pine trees and a comf

I was on a roll so I moved to a new spot and read the next section. It was about compassion and I have to tell you… my pride was in place. I had just read about how awesome I was doing in my prayer life and now I was going to read about compassion – something I considered myself fluent at. Oh boy… can I just tell you that I didn’t understand a word in the first several pages of this chapter. I felt like I was reading a foreign language. What a shock to have compassion be so challenging for me to understand. Here is what I did get… “A human being is not someone who once in a while makes mistakes and God is not someone who now and then forgives.” I then wrote down this prayer in hopes that I would remember to say it now and again, “I do not know the answer and I can’t do this on my own but I don’t need to know and I don’t have to be able.”
I was exhausted so I took a nap… ahhh.
This is kind of funny, I used to love romantic movies until I realized how harmful they we

I set my clock to watch the sunrise. I had the coffee maker ready and the lounging ch

I decided to take another 2 mile walk around the lake before it got too hot. I got my coffee and strawberries and headed that way. But the feeling I had on this morning was much different than the feeling I had the prior morning. Instead of peace and serenity, I was struck with pure fear. Anxiety began to rise in me, almost uncontrollably. I wondered if I should not go for this walk all alone. I wondered if some danger awaited me out there that might leave my husband and child wondering what happened to me years later. Panic invaded my mind, body and heart. I prayed asking God if I should take this walk. He said yes. So I stepped forward to do it, in fear. As I walked, I told God over and over that I trusted He would take care of me, but admitted I was still afraid. For some reason I could not escape the fear. My head turned at every little noise. I kept telling God I trusted Him…I kept telling God I was afraid. I wondered why I was so scared. I made it all the way around without incident then sat down on the picnic table ready to read another part of the prayer book. Imagine my surprise to discover a lesson on courage awaiting me in the book. Part of following God’s will is having great courage in the face of fear. I learned that being afraid is okay sometimes… and it doesn’t mean we don’t have faith, it simply means we are human. I recall a well-meaning organization telling me that faith and fear can not be present at the same time. I guess I bought into that and since then have thought that if I truly had faith, I would never be afraid. My walk of terror showed me that, for me, that simply wasn’t true. Oh how I understood why I had been so afraid… God was teaching me a personal lesson, a lesson I will not soon forget.
After another early morning dip in an isolated pool, I sat back and read a final lesson. It was a big idea… the idea of how our lives can actually become prayer instead of our lives just including prayer. What if everything we did we were able to have an awareness of God’s hand? What if everything we saw made us realize how powerful and present our Lord is? What if we were to regard every single person we came across as a real brother or sister in Christ? What if our lives were a living prayer to the Creator?
I left the hotel feeling a mix between excitement to get home to my loving husband and adorable son and reluctance to re-enter my noisy, busy life. Funny, both excitement and reluctance at the same time. If I’m going to be honest, I have to admit I have those same feelings about God at times too. Interesting how doing the things we know are good for us incites such confliction. I, for one, will make a habit of taking my retreat time, my quiet time with God… little bits daily but also bigger weekend renewals as needed. Like I said, I feel like I got a little Jesus shaped piece of myself back… but all I really did was let God work a miracle, softening a slightly hardened heart. I had a true renewal in Christ experience and I highly recommend it!
Thanks for sharing that Wendy, sounds like an epic prayer retreat for you. God works in all of us everyday, sometimes we listen, sometimes we do not but having a great weekend to invite silence and His will must be lifting.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your weekend retreat. It sounds amazing. I have wanted to go on an organized prayer retreat for a long time. Your post makes me want to go alone with God.
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