Bee-side

Yesterday I was in the front yard trimming my Zinnias back so new growth could come in. There I was trimming, just minding my own business. I felt a little tickle on my right upper arm and figured it was probably a fly or mosquito so I did what I always do… I lightly shook my arm to encourage the bug to fly away. About four seconds later, I felt a strong pinch in my underarm. The pinch quickly turned to a slight burn and then BAM… FIRE! I screamed at the pain, threw all my stuff down and jumped away from my Zinnias as I realized I had just been stung by a bee.

The last time I remember being stung by a bee was when I was a sophomore in High School and I don’t remember it being anywhere near this painful. I ran inside, had my husband look to see if the stinger was still in there and then put ice on it immediately. I felt like such a pansy as I sat enduring the pain of this fiery sting for over four hours! I could not believe how painful it was. Perhaps it was because of the tender place he had gotten me, the underarm – or maybe I just am a pansy.

When my husband and I were lying in bed last night, he asked me how my sting felt. Thankfully, it was fine by then; the pain was gone. I looked over at my husband and began to vent about my experience with the best humor I could. I said, “Dumb bee. I hope he is dead. I hope he died fast. I hope all his little bee friends miss him. I hope his little bee boss uses him as an example of how not to react to a human who doesn’t even swat at you.” I paused then said, “Dumb bee.”

Ryan laughed.

Enjoying the sound of my husband’s laugh, I decided to continue. I said, “He really was a dumb bee. I mean, I didn’t do anything to him… I didn’t even see him. I didn’t even swat at him. In fact, I was helping him out by trying to cultivate more flowers for him. Dumb bee.” I paused again before continuing, “What was he doing anyway, trying to pollinate my underarm? I know I smelled really great with the intoxicating aroma of deodorant and sweat mixed more heavily on the sweat side but dang… what a dumb bee!”

Pollinate my underarm… haha, I made myself laugh. I was done though. That was enough bee talk. May you rest in peace little bee, little dumb bee.

I’ve been in recovery for four and a half years now and in that time I have met a lot of different people who are just like me; struggling with self-control, struggling with learning how to make good decisions, struggling with their trust in others and in God. I’ve had many people come and walk beside me to show me the way they did it, to help me think straighter and remind me to turn my face upwards to God first instead of last. After awhile, I started to walk beside others and show them the same things…how I started the process by becoming teachable, how I began to learn to make better decisions by creating necessary accountability and giving them the reminder that God is right there ready and willing to be our first choice for help and answers.

I moved forward into sponsoring others, leading meetings and even helping plant an entire recovery ministry… all the while not realizing I had lost my focus and I had developed an unhealthy approach to how I could help others in recovery. Essentially, I had become just like the dumb bee; trying to pollinate an armpit.

It hit me like a ton of bricks just last Friday. I was sitting at my kitchen table with my sponsee and we were reading through 1 Corinthians 13 verse by verse, taking time to talk about what each verse said to us. As we spoke our hearts and minds to each other, I realized that even though I was her sponsor and even though I had a few more years of sobriety than she did that my place in the journey with her was not to somehow be ahead of her or above her in any sort of wisdom or heightened knowledge. My place in the journey with her was not to be her leader or conscience. My place in my journey with her was to simply walk next to her. And what really amazed me as these thoughts rushed to me was that it wasn’t a struggle to hold myself back so I could walk next to her… I was very comfortable walking beside her because it felt natural and real. There was no pretense, no ego, no pride… just two people beside each other.

Is it perhaps that God wants me to treat all people in life with this same approach? No matter who I am with or what I am doing… I am simply walking beside others? Yes… I think that is what God wants me to see and wants me to try to be.  I am nothing more than a bee trying to pollinate an armpit if I think for one moment that I have any control over anyone else’s growth – or that I have anything to offer without Christ. It is God who changes the hearts and minds of others… not me. It is God who changed me… not the people who walked next to me. Of course He used them to help me which is what I feel He has called me to do too. But to do that I have to get out of His way, let Him prune the flowers, let Him cultivate the growth and do my best to follow His lead. And as I am all keenly aware of now, armpit pollination leads to one of two things: a lot of pain or death. Dumb bee.

I’ve been on a leadership hiatus for awhile, not wanting to make the same ego and pride related mistakes I have made in the past. I felt God calling me to come back to some leadership roles, which I have done but I have been so scared about it. I haven’t even actually begun yet. But with this new realization, I feel a lot less afraid. I’m just going do my best to walk bee-side others and not be a dumb bee.

Retreat & Renewal

I took a class many months ago called “Renewal in Christ.” It’s funny, when I heard about it there was this little indignant voice in my head that said, “There is NO WAY I’m gonna go to THAT! I don’t need RENEWAL in Christ… I’m just fine the way I AM!” But, low and behold, there I sat with a good friend of mine for a weekend dubbed, “Renewal in Christ.” It was one of the best uses of my time ever!!! And it just confirmed that anytime that little voice in my head says, “I don’t need this!!!” I should immediately sign up for whatever it is.

“Renewal in Christ” basically gave me some tools to use in my prayer life. Some of them I had already known about and some of them were brand new to me. One of the warnings at the end was that since I had taken the steps to improve my connection with God I might expect that the devil would be waiting in the wings to tempt me away from God and make my prayer life challenging for a time. I have to admit, that came to fruition. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was… but I had an extremely difficult time praying for months after the class. It was difficult to even string a sentence together towards God… so difficult that I would just settle on saying, “I’m sorry God… I’m trying.” I tried several different techniques but none of them worked. I was all over the place, couldn’t concentrate… and left a lot of my prayers to be said on my behalf by people I love (by the way… that works too. If you find you are unable… others CAN help and the Spirit is always there ready and willing to intercede on your behalf). One day I broke down when talking with a therapist. I told him I hadn’t been able to pray in a long time and that it was really bothering me. He told me to just keep trying, that was all God wanted. So, that’s what I did.

About a month ago, I had a breakthrough in my prayer life after finally doing something I think God had been wanting me to do for months… nail down my priorities! I got a huge piece of butcher paper, a ruler and some magic markers and created a month schedule. My priorities came into focus as I filled in the minutes of the days. I scheduled a 30 minute prayer time for myself everyday! It’s funny, once the schedule was complete… my prayers just came easy as pie. I haven’t missed a day yet and they flow easily – I end up going over my 30 minutes without even realizing it. As a result, my daily conscious connection to God is so much better!

I decided to take the plunge and plan a longer prayer time… the pastor who taught “Renewal in Christ” suggested baby steps in this… to go from a portion of your day to maybe a day and then a weekend and then perhaps even up to a week. I asked my husband if he would be cool with me a taking a weekend away from it all to just be with myself and connect with God. Thankfully, he was fully supportive so I made my reservation at a local resort.

I didn’t know what to expect at all. There is the part of me that is very fearful of new situations and places. I wasn’t sure if I would be petrified and just stay in my hotel room alone all weekend… or if I’d be able to venture out a bit. The place I stayed had 40 acres, a beautiful lake and both indoor and outdoor pool and hot tubs. It was gorgeous! It felt strange at first, my heart felt kind of hardened. A friend let me borrow a prayer book/meditation called “With Open Hands” I pulled it out of my bag as I unpacked. I was feeling strange so I decided to go for a walk around the grounds to find where everything was. Should I eat, where should I eat? Should I go swimming, which pool? Should I take a walk, which trail? Should I watch TV? The only thing on was Criminal Minds and that really wasn’t what I had in mind for a prayer retreat! It didn’t take long before I was sitting in my room feeling strange again, so I went ahead and sat down to read through the first chapter of the prayer book. Funny… it was about silence. The meditation was “Why do I avoid silence?” If that didn’t hit the nail on the head for why I felt strange… I don’t know what would have. My life is SO noisy… cell phones, television, a 4 year old constantly needing something, a dog who barks about everything, the radio in the car... silence just doesn’t happen unless I make it happen. This was my chance to really make it happen… I embraced it and allowed the strangeness to slide away. I laid down in the dark and silent room and meditated for a long while then decided to just drift off to sleep.

The morning was glorious! I felt brand new!!! I felt happy and restored!!! I decided to get some coffee and take a walk around the lake (2 mile walk). I wasn’t nervous about being alone, I was just satisfied in full. I heard nature and my own breath. I heard the ground crunching under my shoes and I knew that it was all because of God’s grace that I was there, enjoying His world. After my walk, I sat at a picnic table to read some of the prayer book. It was about depending on God. I had this realization… God doesn’t use the gifts He gives us to manipulate us… humans do that. God gives us gifts and asks nothing in return. Wow… once again I am astounded by the way I incorrectly label God with human characteristics! Then it came to me… I am afraid to depend on God fully because I fear He will ask me to do something I don’t think I am able to do, something outside of my current skill set. I fear failure so I want to just continue doing the things I already know how to do. My head knows God will never ask for anything He won’t give me the ability and support to do but it comes down to heart. I must decide to trust fully and open up and accept that He will not let go of me.

I found myself able to do something I hadn’t been able to do in a long time… just be fully kind with no expectations. I was wearing a smile… and saying hello to everyone around me. It was like the piece of Jesus that once resided in me was back!!! My retreat had already accomplished something amazing, I could end it now and be elated. I think it’s only fair to say, that the kind part of me that seemed to be missing hadn’t really gone anywhere… it had just gotten crusted over with some hardening. Life does that to us sometimes. That’s why we all need retreats.

I went to the pool. I was the only one there and it was cool, only because of how early it was. I took a refreshing swim then sat down to complete another task God asked of me a week earlier. I had been upset with myself, and praying about how easily someone (of influence) in my life had gotten me confused about aspects of my Christianity. God suggested that I write down in plain and simple terms what it is I believe and why. That way it would be right there in black and white. It would be real and concrete… confusion would have no choice but to flee. I sat there at the pool going through my Bible… I read through all four Gospels and came up with my list… and linked them each to various places in the Bible. I’m not sure my list is complete but… wow, I have a much better understanding of what I stand firm on. One of the things I wrote down was “Always love” and another was “Always forgive.” I opened a different book to read a chapter which ironically told me I needed to do some major forgiveness. I went to my room and completed the suggested exercise of talking it out with an empty chair. I’m sure I looked like a nutbag but I didn’t care. I came to the conclusion; I had to forgive this person… so I could be forgiven by God, so I could stop hurting myself and because I knew I was bound to sin again in this lifetime. Forgiveness was a must. I went to my knees and made it real.

I took another walk later… found a cozy little corner outside with tall pine trees and a comfy wooden reclining chair. The prayer book talked about different types of prayer… prayers of petition, prayers of praise and prayers of thanksgiving… but the real distinction to concern myself with was… were my prayers considered prayers of little faith (I’ll pray for this even though I don’t think it will happen – what could it hurt???) or prayers of hope (I know God will answer me, I know God’s will will be done!)??? I have to say in searching my heart… I discovered that my prayers are full of hope. They didn’t used to be… but they are now. I pray with certainty that God will take care of me and others. I recognize that He will not always answer them with what I want but He will always answer in time. The Bible tells us that if we believe, God will give us whatever we pray for… but it also tells us that if we believe, God will show us what to pray for. I smiled at the thought that I was doing this hope thing pretty well. I was thankful!

I was on a roll so I moved to a new spot and read the next section. It was about compassion and I have to tell you… my pride was in place. I had just read about how awesome I was doing in my prayer life and now I was going to read about compassion – something I considered myself fluent at. Oh boy… can I just tell you that I didn’t understand a word in the first several pages of this chapter. I felt like I was reading a foreign language. What a shock to have compassion be so challenging for me to understand. Here is what I did get… “A human being is not someone who once in a while makes mistakes and God is not someone who now and then forgives.” I then wrote down this prayer in hopes that I would remember to say it now and again, “I do not know the answer and I can’t do this on my own but I don’t need to know and I don’t have to be able.”

I was exhausted so I took a nap… ahhh.

This is kind of funny, I used to love romantic movies until I realized how harmful they were to me. I just latched on to the idea of that perfect never-ending love and really believed “movie love” was possible! When I got sober and checked into reality, I found that I really disliked those movies and was angry at myself for allowing myself to be so misled by them. Here’s the funny part… for some strange reason… I had really been wanting to re-watch the movie Titanic lately. The first time I watched it the love story made me fall head-over-heels for Leonardo! Here’s the really funny part… I was flipping channels on the television and there it was. And imagine my luck, it had just started! I sat watching it with a smile, enjoying it but not for the same reason I loved it the first time. I wasn’t quite sure why I was enjoying it. Half way through, I felt the urge to go outside for another walk and meditation time so I did. I returned in time to watch the last 45 minutes of the movie (wow - that’s a long movie). At the end, when Jack was making Rose promise to go on with her life and never give up, I started to cry. I’m not typically a crier so it surprised me especially since I wasn’t so involved with the characters… I asked myself why I was crying. That’s when I realized why I was enjoying this movie so much… and why I was emotional. In my mind, the movie related to what Jesus has done for me. He saved me… in every way I could ever be saved. He did it in love. He did it for free. He died for me. He asked me to make a promise to him… to never give up. I know, it’s silly to relate a pop culture movie to the reality of the great Jesus Christ, but it really struck me in those moments.

I set my clock to watch the sunrise. I had the coffee maker ready and the lounging chair in place. I sat perched in my chair at 5:15 am knowing the sun wouldn’t be up for quite some time. I sat there sipping coffee and praying for the people driving by. I watched the moon and stars slowly slide to the west across my window until they were out of view. It was so quiet. The sun peeked over the horizon at 6:30ish and it was beautiful. I’m not sure I ever remember watching a sunrise before.

I decided to take another 2 mile walk around the lake before it got too hot. I got my coffee and strawberries and headed that way. But the feeling I had on this morning was much different than the feeling I had the prior morning. Instead of peace and serenity, I was struck with pure fear. Anxiety began to rise in me, almost uncontrollably. I wondered if I should not go for this walk all alone. I wondered if some danger awaited me out there that might leave my husband and child wondering what happened to me years later. Panic invaded my mind, body and heart. I prayed asking God if I should take this walk. He said yes. So I stepped forward to do it, in fear. As I walked, I told God over and over that I trusted He would take care of me, but admitted I was still afraid. For some reason I could not escape the fear. My head turned at every little noise. I kept telling God I trusted Him…I kept telling God I was afraid. I wondered why I was so scared. I made it all the way around without incident then sat down on the picnic table ready to read another part of the prayer book. Imagine my surprise to discover a lesson on courage awaiting me in the book. Part of following God’s will is having great courage in the face of fear. I learned that being afraid is okay sometimes… and it doesn’t mean we don’t have faith, it simply means we are human. I recall a well-meaning organization telling me that faith and fear can not be present at the same time. I guess I bought into that and since then have thought that if I truly had faith, I would never be afraid. My walk of terror showed me that, for me, that simply wasn’t true. Oh how I understood why I had been so afraid… God was teaching me a personal lesson, a lesson I will not soon forget.

After another early morning dip in an isolated pool, I sat back and read a final lesson. It was a big idea… the idea of how our lives can actually become prayer instead of our lives just including prayer. What if everything we did we were able to have an awareness of God’s hand? What if everything we saw made us realize how powerful and present our Lord is? What if we were to regard every single person we came across as a real brother or sister in Christ? What if our lives were a living prayer to the Creator?

I left the hotel feeling a mix between excitement to get home to my loving husband and adorable son and reluctance to re-enter my noisy, busy life. Funny, both excitement and reluctance at the same time. If I’m going to be honest, I have to admit I have those same feelings about God at times too. Interesting how doing the things we know are good for us incites such confliction. I, for one, will make a habit of taking my retreat time, my quiet time with God… little bits daily but also bigger weekend renewals as needed. Like I said, I feel like I got a little Jesus shaped piece of myself back… but all I really did was let God work a miracle, softening a slightly hardened heart. I had a true renewal in Christ experience and I highly recommend it!

Just Another Pop Song

I don’t usually listen to the radio much. It’s sad to admit this, but when I decide I have a favorite CD it is usually all I listen to for up to three months. Right now I’m on another Mercy Me kick. Before that, it was Casting Crowns and before that, it was Daughtry. It’s safe to say, I’m not too current when it comes to radio play.

The other day I was driving to a design meeting and got stuck in traffic. I decided to flip on the radio for a little something different. Luckily, there was a song playing instead of a commercial and it was a band I recognized. I hadn’t heard that particular song before but the pop artist was unmistakable. As I listened, I wondered if this singer/songwriter wrote his lyrics based on his own life experiences or did he just write them for the purpose of hitting a target audience and making money. As I pondered that, I realized that this particular singer always seemed to sing about the same topic. It seemed every few years, he came out with a new song in which he pleaded for forgiveness from his girlfriend. From there I wondered if he had maintained the same girlfriend through the years making a habit of breaking her heart and then begging for forgiveness over and over. Or was he more of a player who worked his way through several different girlfriends, with each song representing a mistake with a different girl.

I found myself being very judgmental as I thought through each scenario. If it was in fact the same girl over and over, I wondered when she might learn her lesson and dump him. How stupid was she to be so blinded by love to let a man continually hurt her over and over again. If there were multiple ladies, I wondered when he might learn his lesson and stop screwing up and having to write songs about it. Come on dude, take some responsibility for your actions and grow up! Of course there was that last option, he had just figured out a great hook to making money. I admonished him in my mind for lacking sincerity and praying upon the broken emotions of people going through traumatic relationship issues. Tisk, tisk! Shame on you Mr. Singer/Songwriter, whatever the back story was.

Just then, the Spirit came upon me and said, “Tisk, tisk, Wendy! You are no different!!!”

Offended, I answered back, “How do you figure?”

He showed me in a flash… how I am exactly the same, in a different kinda way.

Basically, I write the same song over and over again in my own life except with me, the song isn’t musical in nature… it is composed of words and whispers that flow from my mind in my prayer time. While my themes are quite similar to that of Mr. Singer/Songwriter (the desire for forgiveness) my target audience isn’t the general public or an estranged lover, it is my one and only Father in Heaven.

Yes, I’m that idiot that keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over then has to “write a song about it” to beg for forgiveness from the love of my life, Jesus Christ. Yes, He is blinded by His love for me but I would never want to call Him stupid for that. I realize how blessed I am to have such a patient and loving God who will never dump me over my mistakes, no matter how many times I repeat them. You'd think I'd learn my lesson... and stop screwing up, but I just keep making a mess of things. My sincerity gets muddled from singing the same song over and over. Some days I find myself half-heartedly lip-syncing a remake just to try something different. Later, I look back and I feel like a total fraud and wonder why He stood up and gave me that standing ovation anyway. From an outsiders view (the person sitting in traffic, listening to the radio), it certainly looks like I keep screwing up because I know He will always forgive me... I ask, am I abusing His unending love for me??? I don't think I am, not on purpose anyway. Oh how I am blessed to have a God who can listen to my song even on my worst performance days and still know what’s in my heart.

It amazes me that my cry for forgiveness is always going to be music to His ears… in fact… right now He is eagerly awaiting my next release with bated breathe. I think it’s time to compose…

When the Fight Becomes Natural

I had an awareness come upon me this Christmas that humbled me. As I share this story, it is my hope that you will read it knowing that I do not say it to brag. In fact, none of the thoughts and stories I write and share with you are meant to brag and they are definitely not the things I innately want to write. If you want to read things that I want to write about, you should read my book Desco. No, this isn't a shameless plug to boost sales for I will gladly let you read Desco for free but I do that cringing since I don't think anyone who read it walked away feeling like a better person for it. But I suppose that is my point, the things that I write because I want to write them are essentially crap. The other things that I write, like this... I write because the Spirit tells me to. So, my bragging rights belong to God... He is the one who does the hard work. He just tells me what to share and when.

Whenever I am getting ready to head to the East coast, I always get a little anxious. I think it is mostly because the old places tend to remind me of old behavior (in my case that is super selfishness along with drunkenness). As I prepared to travel home to Virginia for Christmas this year, I was reminded of one of my favorite verses from the Bible, “Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor” (Matthew 13:57). Jesus himself experienced what it was like to not be able to overcome what the people who think they know you will allow you to become. I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus or saying I am any type of prophet. I am just saying, it is comforting to know that Jesus knew what it felt like to go back home after miraculous things had begun within him. I can't say I blame my old friends or my family members for perhaps being annoyed by my “new life.” They have seen me at my worst so... how could I change so drastically? How could it possibly be real? Only God knows and thankfully, His opinion is the only one that matters! I rejoice in that.

There is some petty ugliness to this story, its called human nature. But there is also some triumph... and that part is called God's nature. But let’s get on with it. We went to my parents’ church on Christmas Eve. I've been there a few times before but it isn't my church so it's not in my comfort zone. Here is a little known fact about me that might shock you who know me fairly well... I actually have a touch of social anxiety disorder so when I am out of my comfort zone I tend to get sweaty and uncomfortable. We got to church early but there were already a lot of people there. We picked a row and sat down. Because of my anxiety, I like to sit on the end of the row, that way there is a reduced chance of having to sit next to a stranger. There were 5 of us so we spread out and took up the whole row. In my head I sighed (phew... I don't have to sit with anyone I don't know and I can just spread out and be comfortable – ahhhh.” As the church filled up my conscience began to pick at me telling me that I was selfish for taking up the whole row when we could have easily slid down and made room for more people. My brain dismissed the thought quickly, determined to stay exactly where I was; fat, comfortable and selfish.

The next thing I knew I was standing up telling my parent to slide down. I was picking up all our coats off the pew and placing them in a better place to make more room. That made room for one or two more people in the row, open right next to me. In my head I really didn't want to sit next to a stranger but I had made the change anyway. I don't know why or how it happened – my body just did it as if on autopilot.

On Christmas day, after all the presents were opened and it was time to get the food going, I had the thought of how nice it would be to just sit back and enjoy my new “stuff” while awaiting the grand feast. I could sit back in a comfy cloud of laziness awaiting dinner to be served. That sounded way more fun than helping (also known as working) in the kitchen. My sister and mom were starting to get to work as this thought came to me, “they don't need me, they can do it themselves. I'll just be in the way.” The next thing I knew, again with the autopilot thing, I found myself standing in the kitchen asking my mom what I could do to help. I remember thinking, “What are you doing Wendy... you're going to ruin your own lazy fun.” I ended up helping/working a lot to get the Christmas meal on the table yet I still had time to play with my new stuff later.

Later in the evening, long after the food coma had passed, the kids were playing whiffle-ball in the backyard with my husband. They were having a great time but I didn't join in, it was too cold for me! I remember thinking, they better clean up after themselves because I'm sure not gonna go out there and pick up all those balls, bats and plates. After my sister's family headed home for the night, I peaked outside. Guess what... the kids (I include my husband in that group) had not picked up their toys. All of it was strewn about the yard beginning to collect frost in the 31 degree night. I grinned internally with an evil laugh going, “he he he... I'm so glad I don't have to clean that up... it's cold out there!” A little while later I took my dog outside to “do her thing.” The next thing I knew... autopilot had taken over again and I was out there picking up after those darn kiddos. I had a smile on my face too.

It wasn't until the day after Christmas that these three things piled up together in my head and I realized I was actually making progress with my selfishness. I have to be honest with you. Now that I am aware of my ability to fight selfishness and find success and now that I am aware that it is becoming more natural for me... there is this part of me that says, “Darn it!” Why you ask? Well, it's because now I know... I have no choice but to be more responsible for my own actions. It is my job, if you will, to try to continue to defeat my selfishness with even more intention. I must not rest on my laurels for a moment! I shall not stop to pat myself on the back (at least not for too long). You know what they say, if you're not moving forward you are moving backwards. Now that I know I can successfully fight my petty selfishness, I have a responsibility to keep it up. I reiterate “Darn it!” I have no excuse for laziness! Of course I know I will never be perfect and I will never defeat all my selfishness because I am human. But since the whole point of the Christian journey is to become more Christ like, I recognize that I can't just sit back and be satisfied with the progress I currently have made. I need always aspire to be more like Christ. I am overcome with a feeling of responsibility. At one point as I thought about this it actually felt like a burden. Quickly I was reminded of another one of my favorite verses. Jesus said, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I have confirmation! My feelings are justified the burden is real... but if I let Jesus lead, if I stop kicking like a stubborn mule (I really wanted to use the word 'ass' here because that’s what I am a lot of the time), the burden becomes light. When I think of it that way and realize that Jesus is ready, able and willing to guide me through it, that burden miraculously becomes an honor. Today it is my honor to share this with you. I thank you Spirit for changing this 'donkey's behind' into a useful tool.