Compassion

I don’t think there is a person on the planet who can say they have never been hurt by another person’s action (or lack of action). I also don’t think there is a person on the planet who can say they haven’t struggled with forgiving something that seems nearly unforgivable. This may sound strange, but I consider myself rather lucky to have been given the disease of alcoholism, if for no other reason than it introduced me to the Twelve Steps of life recovery. Staying sober has meant I have had to live my life by these Twelve Steps. Now I gravitate toward the Christian version of the Steps which are called the Eight Principles and are based on the Beatitudes. Principle Six is a doozy… “Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I have done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.” The scriptures that are paired with Principle Six are these: “Happy are the merciful.” Matthew 5:7 and “Happy are the peacemakers.” Matthew 5:9. This same idea is covered by Steps 8, 9 and 10 in secular recovery.

Back when I went through the Steps the first time, there were some people in my life who I didn’t think I could ever forgive. The hurt was too much and their negative impact on my life seemed too great to ever even consider offering them a pardon. But the more I looked at myself and took responsibility for my own actions and decisions in life, the burden of forgiving others seemed to lighten. Still, there were some I just couldn’t imagine ever letting go. The people by my side told me to just have faith that God couldn’t handle it, all I had to do is pray for the willingness to forgive and some day, it would happen. I trusted them because they had what I wanted (sobriety)… and I pressed forward, asking God (many times begrudgingly) for the willingness needed to forgive.

The willingness began to come and like a miracle… I slowly found myself free from resentments because of God’s gift of forgiveness in my heart. But, there was one particular person in my life I was having a really hard time with. He was a past boyfriend who had been extremely abusive emotionally and physically. He had stolen money from me, lied to me, and cheated on me repeatedly. I gave up my college education and family for him to move to Europe and be with him. He was my first experience in dealing with a true alcoholic and I myself had not yet set off my disease. In fact, I didn’t drink much at all back then for fear of his behavior. One of us needed to have our wits about us, and it was usually me. Looking back, so much of that was my decision… I decided to leave everything behind for him, I decided to stay with him after being beaten and discovering his infidelity and lies, I was the one who was so full of pride that I refused to tell anyone, I was the one who was so narcissistic (and codependent) that I believed I could change or “save” him but I was also the one who finally decided to leave him when I had had enough. I am thankful I did, even though it took me well over a year to do it.

Over a year into my sobriety, I was told by my sponsor that I had to work on forgiving… him. Wanting desperately to remain sober, I prayed. I prayed more… and then some more. I had learned from my other acts of forgiveness and amends, timing was everything. And more important than my timing, was God’s timing. One day something deep within my soul made me go out on Facebook and look for him… I wasn’t sure what I would do if I found him, but it was at least a step in the right direction. I didn’t find him, but I found his daughter (she was about 3 or 4 when he and I were together). My heart pounded in my chest as I considered what my next step should be. I waited a few weeks and finally I felt prompted to contact her. I knew she wouldn’t remember me, but I messaged her just asking her if she knew how I could get a hold of her father. I also took that opportunity to apologize to her for my selfish behavior when I was involved with her dad. I was extremely jealous of his relationship with her and felt like perhaps that had made things more difficult than they should have been for them at her young age. She wrote me back a few days later. She was sweet and said that my apology was accepted although she felt unnecessary. She went on to tell me that she had not had contact with her father in over five years. In the years that had passed, he had turned to major drug and alcohol use, was unable to hold a job, was homeless and basically a nomad. She had no idea where he was or when she would hear from him again. She told me she would be happy to pass on a message to him if I wanted her too. I apologized for her pain in dealing with her father and thanked her for getting back to me but just left it at that. No message needed.

In the hours after reading her message, something very strange occurred in my heart. All the hatred I had for this man who had been so horrible to me began to be reshaped. I was overcome with a deep empathy for where he was in his life. My heart ached for him as I looked at my own past and pain and knew exactly what he must have been feeling within himself. I understood the disappointment and self loathing, the endless cycle of wanting to be free and the inability to achieve it, the sense of loss, sadness and anger that addiction manifests within the addicted. I fell to my knees in my living room and began to sob uncontrollably. For the first time in the years since our relationship ended I realized I didn’t hate him… my heart had been overcome with compassion for his plight. I’m not sure how long I cried, but I know it was for awhile. I remember praying for God to find him and heal him the same way God had found and healed me. It was in those moments I felt forgiveness wash over me and in an instant the impossible was complete. It was a true miracle, a gift from God… to this day I have no harsh feeling toward this man. The forgiveness I found through compassion healed my wounds and I have only God to thank for that. Thank you Lord!

But the story doesn’t end there. Something even more amazing happened two or three weeks later. It was a normal day and I was checking my email while drinking my morning coffee. My heart stopped when I saw the name of the sender on one of the messages waiting for me… him. I hadn’t heard from him in over 15 years and I have to say I was scared to open the message and read it. Each time I had heard from him in the past since our relationship ended, it had been threatening in some way. I wondered if I should delete it… but instead, I opened it.

My jaw dropped open as I read his message. He explained that a few weeks earlier he had found himself at rock bottom and with God’s help he entered a 12 step recovery program. He said he was working the steps and it was for this reason he was contacting me. He had Googled me and found my website and got me email address from there. He then apologized for all the things he had ever done to me and humbly asked me for forgiveness. He was Step 9’ing me… “We made direct amends to people we had harmed…” I had done this very same thing to many people but never had anyone done it to me. I thought about the timing of all of it and was brought to tears again. Because of my obedience to continue searching for willingness to forgive him, because of my obedience to the prompting to reach out to his daughter, because of the information she shared with me… God had granted me the compassion I needed only weeks early to be able to completely honestly email him back that very day with these words, “I accept your apology and all is forgiven. In fact I forgave you before you even asked. Good luck in your recovery.” In addition, I wondered if my prayers for God to reach him and intervene might have been a catalyst to him finding recovery only a few weeks later. I’ll never know, but I do know this… prayers work and God can do anything.

Here I am years later, still working on my recovery. It’s kind of like an onion… you peel one layer off only to find another one underneath that needs to be worked on. I’m not sure how many layers I have peeled so far (at least 3), but I know this… there will be another one when I’m done working on the one I’m on now. Recovery is a life journey that is for anyone, not just the addicted.  It has helped me be shaped into a more Christ like being.

My current layer is very private and I have to say has been my most difficult to date, sexual repression. There are many times I don’t even want to work on it, but God tells me there are lies buried deep within my soul that need to be brought into the Truth and Light. He tells me not to be afraid and I am trying to be obedient to His promptings… and last night I had a very similar experience to the one I just wrote about.

Last night I wrote a letter to a guy whose carelessness with me caused me a lot of pain which then set in motion a path for me that eventually turned into my current state of repression. Of course I recognize I have fault and blame in the situation too, so I’m not just pointing the finger at him (there are certainly three pointing back at me). I wrote the letter not knowing if I would actually send it. I wrote it because I felt like God told me to. When I was done, I felt some freedom. I decided to look this guy up online and see if I could find him. He wasn’t on Facebook or Myspace. He wasn’t listed anywhere I could find but something inside me told me to keep looking. Somehow I managed to get just the right keywords on Google and finally find something about him. What I found shocked me… and it wasn’t pretty. It was the type of thing that brought me to an understanding and empathy of his own situation in life. It brought me to compassion, and from my experience… full forgiveness is not far behind.

I’ll finish up by saying this, there are a few people in my life I have not allowed myself to be angry at. I suppose I have thought it wasn’t appropriate for me to be upset with them so I have not allowed myself to feel ugly feelings toward them. When I have been angry, I have ended up feeling guilty for that anger and the guilt then makes me shut the anger out and tell myself “I forgive them… its okay.” But I have learned recently that this approach doesn’t work for me. I have learned that it is okay for me to be angry or upset with anyone who hurts me, no matter who they are. I feel it is important to let others be who they are, but at the same time, I need to let me be who I am too – as long as it doesn’t lead to sin. I decided a few months ago that I was finally going to let myself be truly angry at a person I have never allowed myself to be angry at before. But I did this with a condition… that I would not do so with the intent of staying angry forever. I would do it with the purpose of finding freedom through the anger with God's help. After several weeks of anger, I began to pray for God to help me forgive. I even asked some other people in my life to pray for God to help me find the willingness to forgive… and what has happened since has been nothing short of the hand of God answering prayers. Answers have come to things I didn’t realize, understanding has been presented to me by pure “accident”, my heart has softened and the door of forgiveness has begun to open. I am so very thankful and again in awe of God’s wonder. One thing is for certain, forgiveness is a process. Sometimes it takes longer than others but it always begins with one thing... finding the willingness to try. If God can forgive me for all my crap, then who am I not to forgive others… no matter how heinous the offense.

Tossing Magnets

This morning I was sitting on the floor in my kitchen playing a refrigerator game with my son. He was tossing magnets at the refrigerator door to see how many of them he could make stick. It turned out to be a lot more difficult than he imagined. It’s a basic law of attraction: magnet… refrigerator… shouldn’t they all stick easily on the first toss?

Brett is the kind of boy who likes to do easy things. He tends to shy away from things that he can’t do perfectly the first time he tries. As with all of us, he really enjoys success and avoids failure at nearly any cost. I am trying to teach him that failure is a very important part of life. When things are difficult for us, we must keep trying, learn from our mistakes and practice practice practice. If we keep it up, we eventually will have success. I read a book called “Failing Forward” and it changed my attitude about failure. I realized that failure is not something we can avoid, unless we want to do nothing at all. It’s not a bad thing… it’s a necessary stepping stone to greatness.

So there we were sitting on the kitchen floor (which I noticed was really dirty… to-do add on: mop kitchen floor), he was tossing magnets toward the refrigerator in a game that should have been easy but ended up being a game of chance. Only about ¼ of the magnets stuck and the rest fell to the floor.

I looked up at the refrigerator and saw a poster I have on there… a poster that has been there for over 2 years. It was one of those things I put up there as a reminder to myself but then got so used to seeing it that I don’t see it at all anymore. It says:

“WARNING: Intolerance Will Not Be Tolerated!”

This quote makes me chuckle because of its oxy-moronish statement. I see myself (the new creation Wendy, not the old dead Wendy) as a fairly tolerant person. I love people, especially people who are screwed up because I myself am quite a bit screwed up. I feel like God has gifted me with a vision of people that is deeper than their problems. I see beauty and hope in messed up lives… I see grand opportunity for God to come alive in a real and tangible way. So, I like to think of myself as very tolerant. But… as I sat on the floor looking up at this reminder, I realized there are few people in my life that I have become a person who, instead of embracing them as beautiful screwed up people who carry a promise of hope but just haven’t fully gotten there yet, I have become a person who silently yells, “Intolerance will not be tolerated!” at them. There is one person in particular that I have really been struggling with… and I have to say resentment has built up a wall that has blocked be from seeing their God molded beauty. Part of it is that this person is almost EXACTLY LIKE ME. For some reason, it’s harder for me to tolerate their behavior because it is so much like mine used to be before I fully gave my life to Jesus. A very wise friend of mine suggested that perhaps my specific intolerance of this person was more a reflection of how I felt about myself… perhaps I have not fully forgiven myself for my poor behavior in the past. Wow, the insight the Spirit gives others to tell us our truth is amazing when we open up and become transparent with the right people.

Back to the magnets, as I watched little Brett’s game continue, I was completely surprised at how easy going he was about his failure rate, again only about a quarter of the magnets were sticking. Instead of whining and becoming intolerant of the ones that fell to the floor, he rejoiced in the ones that stuck. I wondered if maybe my lessons of continuing to try had finally begun to stick with him. But what he did next really taught me a lesson. When all the magnets had been tossed… he picked up the ones that had fallen to the floor and “failed” him and instead of giving up on them or throwing them away, he gave them a second chance. He began tossing them again.

I think we are like magnets God is tossing at the refrigerator of salvation. A lot of times, the natural law of attraction just doesn’t work. Sometimes we turn ourselves the wrong way as we are flying through the air and when we get to the door… we don’t stick. But God doesn’t become whiny or intolerant of the ones that failed him, He doesn’t throw us away and give up on us. He rejoices in the ones that stick and then… He very kindly picks up the ones that fell away and gives them another chance to stick. Lucky for us… He just keeps trying again, rejoicing in the ones that stick and then giving the ones that fall away another chance… over and over and over.

It is amazing to me how my 4 year old child can teach me such valuable lessons in life. Of course, he has no idea but wow… the wisdom of a child! I will take the advice of my wise friend and look a little deeper at my own self-forgiveness. I will try to stop passing right over the poster, “Intolerance Will Not Be Tolerated” and take time to actually SEE it. And, I will hug my child with a silent thank you for reminding me that God never gives up on us, no matter who we are or how many times we fall to the floor. I want to be more like that.

Retreat & Renewal

I took a class many months ago called “Renewal in Christ.” It’s funny, when I heard about it there was this little indignant voice in my head that said, “There is NO WAY I’m gonna go to THAT! I don’t need RENEWAL in Christ… I’m just fine the way I AM!” But, low and behold, there I sat with a good friend of mine for a weekend dubbed, “Renewal in Christ.” It was one of the best uses of my time ever!!! And it just confirmed that anytime that little voice in my head says, “I don’t need this!!!” I should immediately sign up for whatever it is.

“Renewal in Christ” basically gave me some tools to use in my prayer life. Some of them I had already known about and some of them were brand new to me. One of the warnings at the end was that since I had taken the steps to improve my connection with God I might expect that the devil would be waiting in the wings to tempt me away from God and make my prayer life challenging for a time. I have to admit, that came to fruition. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was… but I had an extremely difficult time praying for months after the class. It was difficult to even string a sentence together towards God… so difficult that I would just settle on saying, “I’m sorry God… I’m trying.” I tried several different techniques but none of them worked. I was all over the place, couldn’t concentrate… and left a lot of my prayers to be said on my behalf by people I love (by the way… that works too. If you find you are unable… others CAN help and the Spirit is always there ready and willing to intercede on your behalf). One day I broke down when talking with a therapist. I told him I hadn’t been able to pray in a long time and that it was really bothering me. He told me to just keep trying, that was all God wanted. So, that’s what I did.

About a month ago, I had a breakthrough in my prayer life after finally doing something I think God had been wanting me to do for months… nail down my priorities! I got a huge piece of butcher paper, a ruler and some magic markers and created a month schedule. My priorities came into focus as I filled in the minutes of the days. I scheduled a 30 minute prayer time for myself everyday! It’s funny, once the schedule was complete… my prayers just came easy as pie. I haven’t missed a day yet and they flow easily – I end up going over my 30 minutes without even realizing it. As a result, my daily conscious connection to God is so much better!

I decided to take the plunge and plan a longer prayer time… the pastor who taught “Renewal in Christ” suggested baby steps in this… to go from a portion of your day to maybe a day and then a weekend and then perhaps even up to a week. I asked my husband if he would be cool with me a taking a weekend away from it all to just be with myself and connect with God. Thankfully, he was fully supportive so I made my reservation at a local resort.

I didn’t know what to expect at all. There is the part of me that is very fearful of new situations and places. I wasn’t sure if I would be petrified and just stay in my hotel room alone all weekend… or if I’d be able to venture out a bit. The place I stayed had 40 acres, a beautiful lake and both indoor and outdoor pool and hot tubs. It was gorgeous! It felt strange at first, my heart felt kind of hardened. A friend let me borrow a prayer book/meditation called “With Open Hands” I pulled it out of my bag as I unpacked. I was feeling strange so I decided to go for a walk around the grounds to find where everything was. Should I eat, where should I eat? Should I go swimming, which pool? Should I take a walk, which trail? Should I watch TV? The only thing on was Criminal Minds and that really wasn’t what I had in mind for a prayer retreat! It didn’t take long before I was sitting in my room feeling strange again, so I went ahead and sat down to read through the first chapter of the prayer book. Funny… it was about silence. The meditation was “Why do I avoid silence?” If that didn’t hit the nail on the head for why I felt strange… I don’t know what would have. My life is SO noisy… cell phones, television, a 4 year old constantly needing something, a dog who barks about everything, the radio in the car... silence just doesn’t happen unless I make it happen. This was my chance to really make it happen… I embraced it and allowed the strangeness to slide away. I laid down in the dark and silent room and meditated for a long while then decided to just drift off to sleep.

The morning was glorious! I felt brand new!!! I felt happy and restored!!! I decided to get some coffee and take a walk around the lake (2 mile walk). I wasn’t nervous about being alone, I was just satisfied in full. I heard nature and my own breath. I heard the ground crunching under my shoes and I knew that it was all because of God’s grace that I was there, enjoying His world. After my walk, I sat at a picnic table to read some of the prayer book. It was about depending on God. I had this realization… God doesn’t use the gifts He gives us to manipulate us… humans do that. God gives us gifts and asks nothing in return. Wow… once again I am astounded by the way I incorrectly label God with human characteristics! Then it came to me… I am afraid to depend on God fully because I fear He will ask me to do something I don’t think I am able to do, something outside of my current skill set. I fear failure so I want to just continue doing the things I already know how to do. My head knows God will never ask for anything He won’t give me the ability and support to do but it comes down to heart. I must decide to trust fully and open up and accept that He will not let go of me.

I found myself able to do something I hadn’t been able to do in a long time… just be fully kind with no expectations. I was wearing a smile… and saying hello to everyone around me. It was like the piece of Jesus that once resided in me was back!!! My retreat had already accomplished something amazing, I could end it now and be elated. I think it’s only fair to say, that the kind part of me that seemed to be missing hadn’t really gone anywhere… it had just gotten crusted over with some hardening. Life does that to us sometimes. That’s why we all need retreats.

I went to the pool. I was the only one there and it was cool, only because of how early it was. I took a refreshing swim then sat down to complete another task God asked of me a week earlier. I had been upset with myself, and praying about how easily someone (of influence) in my life had gotten me confused about aspects of my Christianity. God suggested that I write down in plain and simple terms what it is I believe and why. That way it would be right there in black and white. It would be real and concrete… confusion would have no choice but to flee. I sat there at the pool going through my Bible… I read through all four Gospels and came up with my list… and linked them each to various places in the Bible. I’m not sure my list is complete but… wow, I have a much better understanding of what I stand firm on. One of the things I wrote down was “Always love” and another was “Always forgive.” I opened a different book to read a chapter which ironically told me I needed to do some major forgiveness. I went to my room and completed the suggested exercise of talking it out with an empty chair. I’m sure I looked like a nutbag but I didn’t care. I came to the conclusion; I had to forgive this person… so I could be forgiven by God, so I could stop hurting myself and because I knew I was bound to sin again in this lifetime. Forgiveness was a must. I went to my knees and made it real.

I took another walk later… found a cozy little corner outside with tall pine trees and a comfy wooden reclining chair. The prayer book talked about different types of prayer… prayers of petition, prayers of praise and prayers of thanksgiving… but the real distinction to concern myself with was… were my prayers considered prayers of little faith (I’ll pray for this even though I don’t think it will happen – what could it hurt???) or prayers of hope (I know God will answer me, I know God’s will will be done!)??? I have to say in searching my heart… I discovered that my prayers are full of hope. They didn’t used to be… but they are now. I pray with certainty that God will take care of me and others. I recognize that He will not always answer them with what I want but He will always answer in time. The Bible tells us that if we believe, God will give us whatever we pray for… but it also tells us that if we believe, God will show us what to pray for. I smiled at the thought that I was doing this hope thing pretty well. I was thankful!

I was on a roll so I moved to a new spot and read the next section. It was about compassion and I have to tell you… my pride was in place. I had just read about how awesome I was doing in my prayer life and now I was going to read about compassion – something I considered myself fluent at. Oh boy… can I just tell you that I didn’t understand a word in the first several pages of this chapter. I felt like I was reading a foreign language. What a shock to have compassion be so challenging for me to understand. Here is what I did get… “A human being is not someone who once in a while makes mistakes and God is not someone who now and then forgives.” I then wrote down this prayer in hopes that I would remember to say it now and again, “I do not know the answer and I can’t do this on my own but I don’t need to know and I don’t have to be able.”

I was exhausted so I took a nap… ahhh.

This is kind of funny, I used to love romantic movies until I realized how harmful they were to me. I just latched on to the idea of that perfect never-ending love and really believed “movie love” was possible! When I got sober and checked into reality, I found that I really disliked those movies and was angry at myself for allowing myself to be so misled by them. Here’s the funny part… for some strange reason… I had really been wanting to re-watch the movie Titanic lately. The first time I watched it the love story made me fall head-over-heels for Leonardo! Here’s the really funny part… I was flipping channels on the television and there it was. And imagine my luck, it had just started! I sat watching it with a smile, enjoying it but not for the same reason I loved it the first time. I wasn’t quite sure why I was enjoying it. Half way through, I felt the urge to go outside for another walk and meditation time so I did. I returned in time to watch the last 45 minutes of the movie (wow - that’s a long movie). At the end, when Jack was making Rose promise to go on with her life and never give up, I started to cry. I’m not typically a crier so it surprised me especially since I wasn’t so involved with the characters… I asked myself why I was crying. That’s when I realized why I was enjoying this movie so much… and why I was emotional. In my mind, the movie related to what Jesus has done for me. He saved me… in every way I could ever be saved. He did it in love. He did it for free. He died for me. He asked me to make a promise to him… to never give up. I know, it’s silly to relate a pop culture movie to the reality of the great Jesus Christ, but it really struck me in those moments.

I set my clock to watch the sunrise. I had the coffee maker ready and the lounging chair in place. I sat perched in my chair at 5:15 am knowing the sun wouldn’t be up for quite some time. I sat there sipping coffee and praying for the people driving by. I watched the moon and stars slowly slide to the west across my window until they were out of view. It was so quiet. The sun peeked over the horizon at 6:30ish and it was beautiful. I’m not sure I ever remember watching a sunrise before.

I decided to take another 2 mile walk around the lake before it got too hot. I got my coffee and strawberries and headed that way. But the feeling I had on this morning was much different than the feeling I had the prior morning. Instead of peace and serenity, I was struck with pure fear. Anxiety began to rise in me, almost uncontrollably. I wondered if I should not go for this walk all alone. I wondered if some danger awaited me out there that might leave my husband and child wondering what happened to me years later. Panic invaded my mind, body and heart. I prayed asking God if I should take this walk. He said yes. So I stepped forward to do it, in fear. As I walked, I told God over and over that I trusted He would take care of me, but admitted I was still afraid. For some reason I could not escape the fear. My head turned at every little noise. I kept telling God I trusted Him…I kept telling God I was afraid. I wondered why I was so scared. I made it all the way around without incident then sat down on the picnic table ready to read another part of the prayer book. Imagine my surprise to discover a lesson on courage awaiting me in the book. Part of following God’s will is having great courage in the face of fear. I learned that being afraid is okay sometimes… and it doesn’t mean we don’t have faith, it simply means we are human. I recall a well-meaning organization telling me that faith and fear can not be present at the same time. I guess I bought into that and since then have thought that if I truly had faith, I would never be afraid. My walk of terror showed me that, for me, that simply wasn’t true. Oh how I understood why I had been so afraid… God was teaching me a personal lesson, a lesson I will not soon forget.

After another early morning dip in an isolated pool, I sat back and read a final lesson. It was a big idea… the idea of how our lives can actually become prayer instead of our lives just including prayer. What if everything we did we were able to have an awareness of God’s hand? What if everything we saw made us realize how powerful and present our Lord is? What if we were to regard every single person we came across as a real brother or sister in Christ? What if our lives were a living prayer to the Creator?

I left the hotel feeling a mix between excitement to get home to my loving husband and adorable son and reluctance to re-enter my noisy, busy life. Funny, both excitement and reluctance at the same time. If I’m going to be honest, I have to admit I have those same feelings about God at times too. Interesting how doing the things we know are good for us incites such confliction. I, for one, will make a habit of taking my retreat time, my quiet time with God… little bits daily but also bigger weekend renewals as needed. Like I said, I feel like I got a little Jesus shaped piece of myself back… but all I really did was let God work a miracle, softening a slightly hardened heart. I had a true renewal in Christ experience and I highly recommend it!