Saturday, November 21, 2015

Balls

I recently went through an experience I wanted to share... not necessarily the details, but the overall lesson learned that showed me a pattern in my life.

When I look back at my life, I recall many experiences where I have been involved with a person in friendship or in a romantic relationship where it was a really good thing. We were tight! We were respectful and good to each other. I trusted them and I hope they trusted me too (probably trust that wasn't earned quite yet).

The relationship went on for years and seemed to be good - but at some point, it turned south. Sometimes I know it was my fault as I am a difficult person. Undiagnosed bipolar does that to a person, makes them difficult and sometimes hard to love for long periods of time. But in some cases, it wasn't me. It was the other person or perhaps the relationship wasn't as good as I thought it was all along. I recall being in abusive relationships with men - how could I call that good? And what about co-dependant friendships? Is that good?

Once the relationship started to head south, and I recognized it... I recall the way I was treated by these people changing. It was no longer perceived by me as fun and respectful, it became my perception that it was hurtful and unkind. I recall sitting thinking, "How did this happen? What did I do? Am I just seeing this wrong? I know I don't deserve this but I also feel like I KNOW this person is a good person. Maybe they are just having a bad patch? Maybe if I adjust myself we can get back to good..."  So adjust I did.

It seemed no amount of adjustment was enough. It seemed the person just simply wasn't interested in being involved with me anymore yet they were not willing to say it. The fact they weren't able to say it left me wondering if I was perceiving their behavior incorrectly and it made me stick around. After all, if they didn't want to be my friend/boyfriend anymore, they would just tell me... right?

WRONG!

Most of the people I am thinking about with this have been very confident people so I had an assumption they were strong and had "balls". I think they themselves saw themselves and strong and having "balls". I have always seen myself as weak, and to be honest, I am. In my weakness, I stuck around waiting it out to see if it could change and be good again. In their confidence I assumed they would tell me if something was wrong.

Well, let me tell you something... in every single one of these relationships - the confident-strong person never said a word to me about wanting to separate. Instead, they behaved in a way to make me go away on my own. Why would a person do this? Perhaps it's because the confidence and "balls" they had were just a mere illusion. Perhaps they just couldn't handle being the "bad guy" as that would make them feel badly inside. The coward's way out was much easier... "I can act like an ass then when Wendy gets run off - it's her fault and not mine."

Well, let me tell you something... all of you people out that who think you have balls... yet lack the real thing when it's time to grab them... making someone else the bad guy is the most cowardly thing you can do. Cowards... all of you. I may be weak... but at least I have the balls to walk away. I have the balls to take responsibility for my actions, my in-actions, my over-reactions, and my pain. I have the balls to do the hard thing... to end what a coward is unable to end.

If you're going to be confident enough to feel good about treating someone badly, then don't make yourself a victim to run them off. If you're going to have balls... use them when it counts! You can do that with kindness, ya know? You don't have to be a jerk unless you want to be. To me, there is nothing more jerky than making someone else responsible for your own crap.

Me... weak? Yes, in ways I am. But I'm proud to be the kind of person who has balls enough to say goodbye.