Bee-side

Yesterday I was in the front yard trimming my Zinnias back so new growth could come in. There I was trimming, just minding my own business. I felt a little tickle on my right upper arm and figured it was probably a fly or mosquito so I did what I always do… I lightly shook my arm to encourage the bug to fly away. About four seconds later, I felt a strong pinch in my underarm. The pinch quickly turned to a slight burn and then BAM… FIRE! I screamed at the pain, threw all my stuff down and jumped away from my Zinnias as I realized I had just been stung by a bee.

The last time I remember being stung by a bee was when I was a sophomore in High School and I don’t remember it being anywhere near this painful. I ran inside, had my husband look to see if the stinger was still in there and then put ice on it immediately. I felt like such a pansy as I sat enduring the pain of this fiery sting for over four hours! I could not believe how painful it was. Perhaps it was because of the tender place he had gotten me, the underarm – or maybe I just am a pansy.

When my husband and I were lying in bed last night, he asked me how my sting felt. Thankfully, it was fine by then; the pain was gone. I looked over at my husband and began to vent about my experience with the best humor I could. I said, “Dumb bee. I hope he is dead. I hope he died fast. I hope all his little bee friends miss him. I hope his little bee boss uses him as an example of how not to react to a human who doesn’t even swat at you.” I paused then said, “Dumb bee.”

Ryan laughed.

Enjoying the sound of my husband’s laugh, I decided to continue. I said, “He really was a dumb bee. I mean, I didn’t do anything to him… I didn’t even see him. I didn’t even swat at him. In fact, I was helping him out by trying to cultivate more flowers for him. Dumb bee.” I paused again before continuing, “What was he doing anyway, trying to pollinate my underarm? I know I smelled really great with the intoxicating aroma of deodorant and sweat mixed more heavily on the sweat side but dang… what a dumb bee!”

Pollinate my underarm… haha, I made myself laugh. I was done though. That was enough bee talk. May you rest in peace little bee, little dumb bee.

I’ve been in recovery for four and a half years now and in that time I have met a lot of different people who are just like me; struggling with self-control, struggling with learning how to make good decisions, struggling with their trust in others and in God. I’ve had many people come and walk beside me to show me the way they did it, to help me think straighter and remind me to turn my face upwards to God first instead of last. After awhile, I started to walk beside others and show them the same things…how I started the process by becoming teachable, how I began to learn to make better decisions by creating necessary accountability and giving them the reminder that God is right there ready and willing to be our first choice for help and answers.

I moved forward into sponsoring others, leading meetings and even helping plant an entire recovery ministry… all the while not realizing I had lost my focus and I had developed an unhealthy approach to how I could help others in recovery. Essentially, I had become just like the dumb bee; trying to pollinate an armpit.

It hit me like a ton of bricks just last Friday. I was sitting at my kitchen table with my sponsee and we were reading through 1 Corinthians 13 verse by verse, taking time to talk about what each verse said to us. As we spoke our hearts and minds to each other, I realized that even though I was her sponsor and even though I had a few more years of sobriety than she did that my place in the journey with her was not to somehow be ahead of her or above her in any sort of wisdom or heightened knowledge. My place in the journey with her was not to be her leader or conscience. My place in my journey with her was to simply walk next to her. And what really amazed me as these thoughts rushed to me was that it wasn’t a struggle to hold myself back so I could walk next to her… I was very comfortable walking beside her because it felt natural and real. There was no pretense, no ego, no pride… just two people beside each other.

Is it perhaps that God wants me to treat all people in life with this same approach? No matter who I am with or what I am doing… I am simply walking beside others? Yes… I think that is what God wants me to see and wants me to try to be.  I am nothing more than a bee trying to pollinate an armpit if I think for one moment that I have any control over anyone else’s growth – or that I have anything to offer without Christ. It is God who changes the hearts and minds of others… not me. It is God who changed me… not the people who walked next to me. Of course He used them to help me which is what I feel He has called me to do too. But to do that I have to get out of His way, let Him prune the flowers, let Him cultivate the growth and do my best to follow His lead. And as I am all keenly aware of now, armpit pollination leads to one of two things: a lot of pain or death. Dumb bee.

I’ve been on a leadership hiatus for awhile, not wanting to make the same ego and pride related mistakes I have made in the past. I felt God calling me to come back to some leadership roles, which I have done but I have been so scared about it. I haven’t even actually begun yet. But with this new realization, I feel a lot less afraid. I’m just going do my best to walk bee-side others and not be a dumb bee.

Only an Idiot

One of my spiritual mentors once told me that when I open the Bible to read God’s word, it is like allowing God to breathe new life into me. Me, a prisoner of sin who isn’t in-and-of-herself worthy to stand face to face with God. Yet, all I have to do to know I am close to Him, to feel His breath, is open His word.

Imagine this for a moment, I am in real prison… on death row. The fact of my innocence or guilt is moot. The only thing that really matters is that tomorrow I have a date with the gas chamber. There is one man who can change my fate… the president. All I need to do is get to him and ask him to save me, right? No problem. Oh wait, I’m in prison. The bars, the guards, the really tall wall with barbed wire and sharpshooters kinda-sorta stand in my way… hmmm.

Imagine for a moment, the prison warden has decided to let me have a two hour pass of freedom as long as I promise to return in exactly two hours (it could happen, right?). I take the bus downtown (my prison is conveniently located right outside of DC), and head over to the White House. I walk right up to the front door and knock on it. Mrs. Obama opens the door… oh wait. Even a free person can’t walk right up to the White House and knock on the door. There are guards and a large fence and many guns between me and the president. Not one person on this two hour journey would tell me that I am worthy to have the conversation I need to have with Mr. Barack Obama. Innocent or guilty, my fate is sealed. I resign myself to death and go back to the prison (or maybe secretly try to catch the redeye to Tahiti).

Well, before Jesus died on the cross for us, our relationship with God wasn’t much different than the scenario above I just asked you to imagine. DISCLAIMER: Let me state this clearly: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM SAYING OUR PRESIDIENT IS A GOD OR ANYTHING LIKE GOD. HE IS NOT! I am merely trying to illustrate a point. Before Jesus came to the world and took on the role of the living, breathing Word of God… all we had was a “deal” with God. The deal was this, He would set us free if we promised to be perfect by abiding by the 10 commandments. I’m not sure if you realize this, but we aren’t very good at being perfect so with that deal in place, we were simply not worthy to have a direct relationship with God. We were trapped in a prison, behind bars with armed guards all around and only our guilt to keep us company. The one and only being that could release us from our certain death was behind a curtain we could only dream of looking at. There were prophets sent by God and priests to be the go-between and help us attain forgiveness and understand the way. Abraham, David, Elijah, Elisha, John the Baptist are just a few. Because of God’s love for us, and His desire to be connected to us He changed the deal… He sent His only son to show us the way. He sent His only son to take our sin on as His own. He sent His only son to die in the gas chamber so we wouldn’t have to. He sent His only son to die for all the things we’ve done and even the things we haven’t yet thought to do. Hebrews 10: 19-23 tells us that Jesus’ death opened the curtain between us and God. Matthew 27:51 tells us that at the very moment of Jesus’ death, the curtain in the temple was torn in half from top to bottom. It is only by the sacrifice of Jesus that we are invited into a personal, loving, one-on-one relationship with our heavenly Father.

Go back now to my original request for your imagination. I am sitting in my prison cell knowing that the end is near. I am most certainly guilty of the offense I am sentenced to die for and I know I totally deserve what is coming. A guard comes to me and says, “You have a visitor.” But I’m not expecting anyone… my friends have abandoned me and my family is ashamed… who could it be?

To my grand surprise, the president appears right outside my cell. I am shocked because he has sought me out completely on his own. I feel strange to be in his presence, after all he is the president and he is the only one who can save my physical life. He looks directly in my eyes and says, “I know you’re guilty but I found someone who will gladly take the fall for you so if you want, I can set you free right now. What do you say, do you want to live in freedom or would you rather die? ”

Put yourself in those shoes for just moment… what would your answer be? Only an idiot would choose death over freedom… right?

I am in those shoes every single day. I am guilty, every day. I am innately unworthy of redemption and sentenced to death… but…God has sought me out completely on his own. God removed my unworthiness with His grace and His Gift. The life He offers is so much more than any president could ever offer. The life God offers is eternal and filled with blessings I can’t even fathom. And Jesus willingly did the hard part for me… all I have to do is say “Yes, I want to live. I believe. Lord, breathe your life into me!”

Yes, the breath of God is right there as I open the Bible. And God breathed life into his Word when He sent Jesus. It is amazing!!!! With all this on my mind these past few weeks, I found the following text from worship this Sunday quite fitting…

“Without your Word, we were lost and condemned. Without your Word, we were forever separated from you. Without your Word our sin made us unclean and unfit for your holy presence. Now we claim the forgiveness that is ours in Jesus Christ. We praise you for the salvation we have received freely by your grace! We sing of your greatness and power, for you have removed our transgressions!”

Open your Bible and let Him breathe on you… only an idiot would choose death over freedom.

My One-Month-to-Live Bucket List

Before recovery, I used to think about death a lot. It's sad, but true. I would wish for death for two reasons... 1) payback - I thought that my death would somehow hurt the people I felt had hurt me and 2) escape - sometimes the only way I thought I could make it, was to... not make it. That's what drove me to recovery. I didn't want to live my empty life another day. Something HAD to change. God saved me from that final suicide attempt in a way that I knew I had to give my life to Him. It's been a long road filled with twists, turns, smiles and tears since then. I now have a life that I love though, and the funny thing is, the only thing that changed was me. God put His hand on me, I OPENED MY HEART and He came in.

We just finished a series at Community of Hope in Mansfield this week called “One Month to Live.” In the message, we were urged to make our own “bucket” list of things we’d like to do, changes we’d like to make before we pass on. The hope was for us to try to begin to live a “no-regrets” life.

Actually sitting down to make this list never really crossed my mind. I feel as though living a life in recovery has given me an inside advantage to the “no-regrets” life change. The very essence of staying sober is about trying to live a “no-regrets” life. When I make a mistake (and boy do I make them), it is my responsibility to right them, or make amends for them as soon as possible. The 12 step life tells me I must be accepting of life… life on life’s terms they say… and that means I must be accepting of people as well. As a recovering alcoholic, anger is not a luxury I can afford! I had to clean up all the old anger just so I could have a shot at sobriety. Now when new anger comes, and it does, I have to deal with it pronto. Of course, all of that is a tall order and I am constantly surprised at the ways I fail, as well as the ways I succeed. It is an ever-evolving motion, but one thing is for sure… if I don’t adhere to the “no-regrets” philosophy, I will drink again. For me, drinking means death, both physically and spiritually. It is serious business.

I’m not sure why but today I decided to give my bucket list a try. At first I was completely blank. I’ve already made the sincerest of apologies to most of the people in my life that I owe them. My family and friends know how much they mean to me. I get to spend nearly every day playing and bonding with my son. My husband and I work hard and keeping our relationship strong and loving. I’ve traveled plenty, I’ve been published for both written word and digital design. I’ve spent the last few years of my life studying God’s word and diligently building my relationship with Him. Aside from making a trip to Colorado to spend some time with my brother’s family, whom I haven’t seen in over 5 years, I really don’t have anything I “have” to do.

I remembered a few months ago when I told my husband that if something were to happen to me, I wouldn’t want him to be sad, I’d want him to be happy. He looked at me like I was crazy and he required an explanation. I told him I actually look forward to the day when I will be able to be in heaven, with my Father. When I think about dying, I actually get excited because even though I have no idea what it will be like, I know that it will be better than even my wildest dreams. I am eagerly awaiting my homecoming. I want my family to know that as long as I am with God, I will be happy.

Scripture says it perfect for me, Philippians 1:23-24 “I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.”

Let’s get back to the bucket list. Since I was coming up empty, I decided to take a different approach to it. I asked myself what God would want me to finish before I went on my way to be with Him. I’ve kind of had an idea of what my purpose has been for awhile but I don’t suppose I have ever really known beyond a shadow of a doubt. The answer to my bucket list question revealed something very cool to me. The answer showed me my purpose more clearly and I was surprised. There is this one thing I’ve been working on for… years. It’s a book, a fiction story that paints an amazing, beautiful picture of Christ in today’s modern world. Trust me when I say, it didn’t start out that way but wow… God certainly knows how to make roses out of pure crap. I just haven’t been in a hurry to finish it because it has been such a Spirit led journey that I cannot force it. I’ve had to learn patience and only move forward when the time is right and the Spirit is nudging me. I realized today, I have been viewing this project as a “back-burner” kind of thing when in reality… I need to take it a lot more seriously. I’m feeling like finishing this story is my purpose. I’ve known for at least the last 6 months that when I am finally done with it, I will not be shopping for a publisher. My plan is to give the story away for free as an act of good faith to God for giving me the opportunity to write His words for Him. I am hopeful that a few people will read it and walk away with something useful, but the truth is I think I’ve learned far more from the story than I could ever give away.

Here is my best attempt at my bucket list:

1) Continue a conscious search for God in my life
2) Continue to love and honor my husband and son
3) Continue to actively cherish my family and friends
4) Continue to make amends every time I screw up
5) Go to Colorado to spend time with my brother and his family
6) Finish my book for God

I will finish with this… in the beginning, I told you that I used to think about death a lot. I have to be honest and say that really hasn’t changed much, only my reason for thinking about it has changed. Knowing that the overall purpose of my life here on earth is to prepare the way for my eternal life makes me want to use the greatest of considerations for even the smallest of actions. I do not want to miss out on the life God has planned for me after this. I long to meet Jesus face to face, but for now I will do my best to do good not bad, right not wrong, His will not mine and to search for His next purpose for my life.