Only an Idiot

One of my spiritual mentors once told me that when I open the Bible to read God’s word, it is like allowing God to breathe new life into me. Me, a prisoner of sin who isn’t in-and-of-herself worthy to stand face to face with God. Yet, all I have to do to know I am close to Him, to feel His breath, is open His word.

Imagine this for a moment, I am in real prison… on death row. The fact of my innocence or guilt is moot. The only thing that really matters is that tomorrow I have a date with the gas chamber. There is one man who can change my fate… the president. All I need to do is get to him and ask him to save me, right? No problem. Oh wait, I’m in prison. The bars, the guards, the really tall wall with barbed wire and sharpshooters kinda-sorta stand in my way… hmmm.

Imagine for a moment, the prison warden has decided to let me have a two hour pass of freedom as long as I promise to return in exactly two hours (it could happen, right?). I take the bus downtown (my prison is conveniently located right outside of DC), and head over to the White House. I walk right up to the front door and knock on it. Mrs. Obama opens the door… oh wait. Even a free person can’t walk right up to the White House and knock on the door. There are guards and a large fence and many guns between me and the president. Not one person on this two hour journey would tell me that I am worthy to have the conversation I need to have with Mr. Barack Obama. Innocent or guilty, my fate is sealed. I resign myself to death and go back to the prison (or maybe secretly try to catch the redeye to Tahiti).

Well, before Jesus died on the cross for us, our relationship with God wasn’t much different than the scenario above I just asked you to imagine. DISCLAIMER: Let me state this clearly: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM SAYING OUR PRESIDIENT IS A GOD OR ANYTHING LIKE GOD. HE IS NOT! I am merely trying to illustrate a point. Before Jesus came to the world and took on the role of the living, breathing Word of God… all we had was a “deal” with God. The deal was this, He would set us free if we promised to be perfect by abiding by the 10 commandments. I’m not sure if you realize this, but we aren’t very good at being perfect so with that deal in place, we were simply not worthy to have a direct relationship with God. We were trapped in a prison, behind bars with armed guards all around and only our guilt to keep us company. The one and only being that could release us from our certain death was behind a curtain we could only dream of looking at. There were prophets sent by God and priests to be the go-between and help us attain forgiveness and understand the way. Abraham, David, Elijah, Elisha, John the Baptist are just a few. Because of God’s love for us, and His desire to be connected to us He changed the deal… He sent His only son to show us the way. He sent His only son to take our sin on as His own. He sent His only son to die in the gas chamber so we wouldn’t have to. He sent His only son to die for all the things we’ve done and even the things we haven’t yet thought to do. Hebrews 10: 19-23 tells us that Jesus’ death opened the curtain between us and God. Matthew 27:51 tells us that at the very moment of Jesus’ death, the curtain in the temple was torn in half from top to bottom. It is only by the sacrifice of Jesus that we are invited into a personal, loving, one-on-one relationship with our heavenly Father.

Go back now to my original request for your imagination. I am sitting in my prison cell knowing that the end is near. I am most certainly guilty of the offense I am sentenced to die for and I know I totally deserve what is coming. A guard comes to me and says, “You have a visitor.” But I’m not expecting anyone… my friends have abandoned me and my family is ashamed… who could it be?

To my grand surprise, the president appears right outside my cell. I am shocked because he has sought me out completely on his own. I feel strange to be in his presence, after all he is the president and he is the only one who can save my physical life. He looks directly in my eyes and says, “I know you’re guilty but I found someone who will gladly take the fall for you so if you want, I can set you free right now. What do you say, do you want to live in freedom or would you rather die? ”

Put yourself in those shoes for just moment… what would your answer be? Only an idiot would choose death over freedom… right?

I am in those shoes every single day. I am guilty, every day. I am innately unworthy of redemption and sentenced to death… but…God has sought me out completely on his own. God removed my unworthiness with His grace and His Gift. The life He offers is so much more than any president could ever offer. The life God offers is eternal and filled with blessings I can’t even fathom. And Jesus willingly did the hard part for me… all I have to do is say “Yes, I want to live. I believe. Lord, breathe your life into me!”

Yes, the breath of God is right there as I open the Bible. And God breathed life into his Word when He sent Jesus. It is amazing!!!! With all this on my mind these past few weeks, I found the following text from worship this Sunday quite fitting…

“Without your Word, we were lost and condemned. Without your Word, we were forever separated from you. Without your Word our sin made us unclean and unfit for your holy presence. Now we claim the forgiveness that is ours in Jesus Christ. We praise you for the salvation we have received freely by your grace! We sing of your greatness and power, for you have removed our transgressions!”

Open your Bible and let Him breathe on you… only an idiot would choose death over freedom.

Watered Down

Since Brett’s birth I have planned to make certain he is raised with God in his life. In fact, my son’s birth was one of the reasons my husband and I returned to church after being gone for a time (sound familiar to anyone?). I thought getting him excited about bible stories would be easy but as it turned out, it wasn’t.

I grew up in the church but only came to really understand what being a daughter of the Father was all about 3 years ago. I did an intense yet very interesting bible study a few years ago in which we read the entire bible, cover to cover. I realized something crazy as I went through this process… in almost every case, all those bible stories I was taught as a child had been censored so much that the morals of the stories had been completely left out. The bible just so happens to be one of the most exciting, dangerous, epic, sexy, graphic books ever written – and because of that, many of the stories just aren’t very appropriate for the virginal, protected, delicate ears of children. At the same time, as an adult this made the bible totally relevant to today’s world!!!! For example, I was shocked to read about how Moses, the hand picked man of God who led the Israelites out of captivity and was given the 10 commandments… murdered a guard who was being mean to a guy he knew then hid the evidence. He got caught anyway so instead of facing the music, he ran away. Or how about Kind David, another handpicked man of God, known as the man after God’s own heart. He lustfully committed adultery which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. In an attempt to cover up his error, he had the woman’s husband murdered. Do you think that’s relevant to today at all??? Wow… definitely not a story to tell kids though, huh?

But what about Jonah… how many of you know the real ending to Jonah and whale??? The story doesn’t end when the whale spits him out… there is much more that reveals the real reason for the incident. It shows Jonah as a whiny, jealous, judgmental, disobedient man who learns how loving God really is and utters, “That’s not fair!” when God wants to be merciful to sinners Jonah doesn’t approve of. Now that is a story I can TOTALLY relate to… and you know what, I think our children can too. Don’t you think it would be smart to let our children see the realness of the bible? I think if we are going to let our kids watch today’s television… maybe they can handle the REAL bible but, no… we have to protect them from the word of God… how ironic is that????

As a result, the publishers have created an array of children’s bibles and story books to help parents get kids excited about God but also keep their sweet, innocent, virginal minds safe. I have many versions of many attempts at this but it seems that no matter which method I try, Brett just isn’t interested. It’s like he can see just from the cover art that it’s a boring bible book. I don’t know what it is… but perhaps he is smart enough to know that something is missing. The only way I have found to share bible stories with Brett is to act them out with his toys, and he seems to enjoy that – but its’ WORK!!!!

I found a book at a gift shop a year ago called “The Brick Testament: The Ten Commandments” by Brendan Powell Smith. I bought it because I thought it was hilarious… this guy took scripture and illustrated it with Legos, yes Legos. I never considered sharing it with Brett because it is a little adult, meaning it doesn’t take out the goriness… murder and such. I wasn’t sure it was “appropriate” for his little mind. As I prepared for my recent trip to VA, I came across the book and for some reason decided to throw it in my carry-on. It wasn’t until our plane ride home that I pulled it out of the bag and asked Brett if he wanted to read it with me. I wasn’t sure what he would say since he seems to reject any and all religious books. He looked it over quickly and said, “Sure!” with excitement.

Well, I have never seen this child more excited about a book in my life. I read the scriptures to him then explained the pictures in my own words. Do you know he wanted to keep going and going and going… he remembers that Moses was found in a basket in the river… he knows that Pharaoh made slaves of the Israelites, he knows that God spoke to Moses through the burning bush! He even asked me how God could do such a thing… I explained it was a miracle and God can do whatever He wants and Brett accepted that!!!! So much conversation has come from this book and he keeps asking me to re-read it and read more. I know part of it is that he likes Legos… but I think another part of it is that it isn’t “watered down” for him. It’s the real Word of God and he likes it! I was so excited that I went online to see if there were any more books like this. As it turns out, Mr. Smith has done two more books, “The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis” and “the Brick Testament: The Christmas Story.” I ordered them but found something even more exciting…. he has a website http://www.thebricktestament.com !!! On his website he has gone through the entire bible, telling many of the stories in just the same manner! Of course, we will have to look at them on-line but hey – Brett loves the computer so that is not a problem.

I think so many of us, myself included, have turned our nose up at the bible thinking it is far too boring or scary for us to actually want to read or understand but I’m here to tell you… it’s a very exciting, adult book that leaves you on the edge of your seat. With versions such as “The Message” out there now that make it really easily understood, there is no excuses to let the dust continue to collect. I’m studying Proverbs right now… and everything I’ve ever wanted to know is right there… a guideline to life… all relevant to now, all waiting to be discovered and taken to heart. I plan to base my house rules on Proverbs so when Brett asks me why he has to obey or why he can’t stay out all night I can not only say, “Because I said so…” but also point it out in the Word so he sees that these are God’s laws first and foremost! Of course that requires knowledge on my part so… wish me luck in my endeavor!

As for right now, I’m so glad I have a way to share the bible with Brett that he enjoys… nothing is going to keep me from giving him the real story. No more “watering down” or leaving out the moral of the story for us! I wonder… since God made us to need Him… is it possible that he also made us to intrinsically need the whole story… and thus we are perhaps subconsciously aware and disinterested when the whole story isn’t being told? With God… anything and everything is possible!!!

Beyond the Glitz and Glam

It’s amazing to me how when I put myself in the Word of God with other people (that second part is so important) how God finds the perfect way to answer my questions or heal my wounds. Don’t get me wrong, studying the Bible alone is great, but when I say being with others while in the Word is important, I mean it. I have learned significant lessons from others in every single Bible study I have been a part of. It’s not necessarily that they themselves knew anything particularly awesome or insightful, it’s that God’s Spirit was able to use their mouths to say His words to touch me right where I needed to me touched. When one studies the Bible alone, God doesn’t get that opportunity. I’ve heard Him time and time again in small rooms filled with regular sinners just like me who think they have no business being there. This phenomenon always leaves me in awe.

The last month has been rough for me. Part of it has no doubt been due to a hormonal flux related to a medical issue but a bigger part of it is simply put, my own darn fault. This recovering alcoholic got a little too comfortable with herself and her own will. She got confident in matters that no one should ever be confident in. She was riding proudly upon her high-horse and lost her humility. I’m not gonna lie, pride and humility are big issues for me so I have to keep them in check. Unfortunately I let my checks and balance sheet fall on the floor and get shoved under the nightstand along with some dust-bunnies and a few lost socks.

My pride is always matched with simultaneous insecurity – it’s an alcoholic trait and I have to say, if there is anything I am good at it’s being a classic alcoholic, even though I haven’t had a drink in years. Walking around with incredible insecurity covered up by great pride can only result in one thing for me… crash and burn, bottom-of-the-barrel self-loathing and depression. Yep… so that’s where I was headed… faster than you can say… stupid girl. I was filled with anxiety and every little issue in my life was becoming a Goliath sized obstacle I felt I would never be able to tackle. I remember crying because an ice cube fell out of the ice tray and onto my foot (ouch). I was sure it was some sort of demonic personal attack when in reality; it was just gravity and bad timing. My pride was trumping my faith.

Only by the grace of God, and the beautiful way Jesus and the Spirit intercede on our behalf when we are speechless was I able to make a cry for help before it was too late. My cry was also heard by “my prayer partner troop” who quickly marched in and surrounded me with prayers of protection and awareness. I’m thankful that my pride didn’t keep me from sending out that prayer request e-mail to my trusted friends because the power of prayer in times of need is… overwhelming.

My anxiety subsided almost immediately but what remained was disappointment in myself that I had failed God yet again. I was sad, sorry and humbled… humbled to the point I didn’t feel worthy of the love of God. What a terrible feeling that is… and a selfish one too. Who am I to decide God can’t love me?

I waited until the last minute to prepare for my Bible study because that’s what I do when life is rough, put off all the things that I know are good for me… stupid girl. The lesson was John 13:1 – 14:14. It’s the part where Jesus takes the disciples to the upper room for the last supper and tries to prepare them for His pending death. As I read and answered the questions I saw something I had never seen before. The disciples were kind of ticking me off. In my little mind they seemed far more concerned with the glitz and glam of being one of Jesus’ chosen few. It seemed they expected Him to do something amazing like kill all of their enemies with the wink of an eye… then they’d be left standing with smirks on their faces as if they had done it themselves. I got a bit judgmental (another flaw of mine) thinking all they cared about was being in His presence and feeling special. Through the ladies in my study group, the Spirit quickly reminded that the disciples had no idea what was to come so I should cut them a break. Even as Jesus was trying to tell them, they just weren’t getting it.

The Maundy Thursday message (the last supper message) was a new command (that’s what Maundy means)… Jesus told them to “love one another as I have loved you.” This was their new commandment, if you will. I imagine them sitting there staring at Him with blank faces saying, “Huh? What do you mean??”

In the closing message of our Bible study, God’s spirit spoke to me through our leader, whose name is Mary. Mary told me (she was talking to everyone but I swear it was just for me) that the disciples got all wrapped up in pride. None of them wanted to pick up the basin to wash the feet that night because none of them wanted to be the lowest man on the totem pole. (As the story goes, Jesus ended up doing that dirty job but with the ultimate servant’s heart.) Earlier, the 12 were griping among themselves about who Jesus loved the most and that night when Jesus told them He was going to be leaving them… oh they just couldn’t handle it. Their pride wanted to stay with Him so they could continue to be special.

In that moment, it all came clear in my head. I realized if I had been in the room that night, I wouldn’t have gotten it either. I would have been just like them, enjoying the rush and attention of being with a very wanted, powerful guy. I would have been a groupy, hanging on every word most likely for the wrong reasons. I would have been wanting Jesus to squash all those who had wronged me, just because He could. Pride would have ruined everything… and that was exactly what I had just been doing in my own life. I was just like them, prideful and missing the point. I needed to be humbled.

That’s when the Spirit guided Mary to say, “Any of you who love the Lord your God, know that you will always be His. Once you are His, you are always His.” It was then I realized that my human failure wasn’t a reason for God to disown me or stop loving me. Of course I knew that already, but I had somehow forgotten it... in my human wisdom. I am so thankful I was reminded that He will always love me, for I am His. Finally, I was able to forgive myself, again. Temporary pride didn't make me a bad person... just like it didn't make the disciples bad people either. I am so comforted by the fact that God filled the Bible with people just like me!

Committed to finding humility, I washed my husband’s feet that night. It was a very cool experience, if you’ve never done that…read John 13: 1-17 then give it a try. Humility is a job for me, a full time job. Knowing this, I must be diligent and not let my checklist float to the floor and rest with the dust-bunnies.