AS IS Will Be Out On June 17!

I am very excited and nervous to say my book "As Is" is set to come out on June 17th!!!  Excited because it seems like a long time coming... and it will be nice to have a book out that I am actually proud of!  Nervous because I have a lot of work to do to hit that date!  I am also nervous because as with any artistic work... throwing it out to the public is a bit scary.  But, God gave this job to me so I trust He will protect my heart.

It will be available on Amazon in soft back and also in Kindle as an e-book.

I am doing some promotions and it's not for the thin skinned for sure.  It takes an awful lot of I'm excited for you's to erase a Leave me the hell alone!  Or maybe that is just me.  No matter.... I will keep plugging away.  I will be shamelessly promoting anyway because I believe in this book... I believe God is going to use it in wonderful ways!!!

Below are some of my promotional pieces.  I hope you enjoy them and I hope you will support my book!!

Thanks!!!

Should we go with our first impressions?

Denial... we've all been there!

Have a great day everyone!!!

Longing for Connection

There is nothing in this world which feels better than having a full-on, personal, spine tingling connection with Jesus.  Oh how I love that feeling!  I would give nearly ANYTHING to have just a few moments of that incredible feeling.  I have to say I have been blessed with many, many occasions where I have experienced that connection in my life.  I pray they continue to come and I pray my heart remains open enough to feel them when they do come.  I can tell you without any doubt that I love Jesus in a way I love no other.   I can also tell you without doubt that I am very high maintenance and require a lot of attention and connection to feel cared for and loved.

When I thought about what to give up for Lent this year, the first idea I had was to give up Facebook.  I did that several years ago and I admit, it was difficult.  This year I knew it would be all the more difficult. As I said, I am high maintenance and need connection to feel cared for... and I knew that giving up my Facebook time would truly be a sacrifice because that is how I achieve a lot of my connections these days.   I made some excuses as to why I shouldn't give it up for Lent and ultimately I disregarded the idea.  I am feeling some regret over that now... feeling as though it was really selfish of me not to bite the bullet and make that sacrifice, especially considering what Jesus sacrificed for me.

Since Lent began, I have been struggling with a few things that have a lot to do with connections and need for attention.  I realized today... I am in a vicious cycle and the only one who can get me out of it is... Jesus.

Here's how it's been going down...

Having had it before, I find myself longing for that full-on, personal spine-tingling connection with my incredible Savior.  But instead of being satisfied with the spiritual connection, I have been desiring a more physical connection and since He isn't here physically... I find myself lonely for Him.  That loneliness then drives me to desire the contact I feel I need from flesh and blood people instead of burying myself deeper into my spiritual connection with Him.  I think in my head, I believe I'm taking the easy way out.  I use tools like Facebook, instant messaging, texting, email, telephone and coffee/lunch dates with friends to try and fulfill that intense need for connection within myself.  The problem is, man/woman can never fill the void that my Savior was intended to fill... so even though it FEELS like the easy way out... all I am doing is prolonging my state of need.  The longer I remain in need of connection, the more I desire it... the more I desire it the more I look to man/woman to fill it... the more I look to man/woman to fill it the longer I go unfulfilled... the longer I am unfulfilled the lonelier I become for Him.  Like I said... vicious cycle.  The good thing about recognizing the cycle is that now I can do something about it.

I was feeling extremely lonely for Jesus the other day and reached out to a friend in my sadness.  She told me to pray for the Spirit to fill me.  But... I didn't want to pray for that!  I was feeling stubborn and decided that I wanted Jesus to be what I wanted Him to be.  I wanted Him to find a way to fulfill me physically somehow... not spiritually.  I wanted what I wanted.

I know Jesus is aware that I have a real need for physical connections, which is why He loves me so much that He gave me an amazing husband and some really great friends.   But I also know that He doesn't want me to use those gifts to replace Him.  I have decided I need to put more time and effort into my spiritual connection with Jesus, instead of always heading for the instant gratifications of man.  So, I'm going to try really hard to put Him first by taking a moment to pray to Him and listen to Him BEFORE I head for Facebook or my cell phone.

Those of you who know me well know there is a lot going on in that head of mine... stuff that medications have to fix.  You also know that I have been struggling with lots of medication changes and adjustments.  I want to thank those friends who have really been there for me through it... who have taken time out of your days and nights to connect with me and help me feel cared for and loved.  Some of you have brought me an insane amount of laughter which I love.  It has meant a lot to me and I thank God for you!!!  I want to say a special thank you to my amazing husband who never fails to be the presence of Jesus with his patience, the arms of Jesus with his hugs and the voice of Jesus with his words.  I am truly blessed, even when I find myself so incredibly lonely for my Savior... for if He didn't know me the way He does, I would not long for Him the way I do.

365 Days

I want to start out this writing by saying that it is not meant to cause anyone to feel any particular feeling. It has not been put to paper to force any sort of reaction and I have not posted it to my blog to gain any sort of feedback or response. No… I am writing this for my own purposes, for my own mental health… and perhaps to just help me reconcile my perception with reality and recognize my unrealistic expectations of others.

To say we humans are selfish is an understatement. We were born that way. We have an intrinsic nature that makes us naturally concerned with numbero uno… me, myself, and I… the big kahuna… the center of the universe… me, me, me… ME!!!!

Even those of us who work diligently at helping others, attempting to step outside of ourselves and trying to be a good example of Christ… still have an ego to contend with. I bet even Mother Theresa had moments where she felt like, “can’t it just be about me for once?”

Because of my own selfishness through the years, I have come to really dislike my birthday. I suppose I have always had unrealistic expectations of others around me to think they would find this one day of the year, July 1st, to be something special. After all, it is just one day of 365 of them. Why would July 1st be treated any differently than the rest of them? But for some reason, my birthday has always brought about hopes that it would be nice to special, at least for the day.

What’s really funny is my birthday really shouldn’t be about me at all. It should be about my mother. I mean she’s the one who did all the hard work… she’s the one who suffered pain to give me life… why shouldn’t my birthday be a celebration of her sacrifice? After all, what did I do on July 1, 1972… nothing really. God had created me and He knew me long before that moment in time. Yes, my mother deserves the special treatment on July 1st… but society’s selfishness rears its ugly head again… and makes the birthday about me, me, me.

Keeping in mind that selfishness is the biggest disease of our humanness… it only makes sense that the people around us… strangers, acquaintances, friends and family alike are much more vested in their own existence than in anyone else's. And it is for this reason, the birthday of importance in their lives is most definitely their own, and not anyone else's. To take part in the celebration of another's birthday is a beautiful thing… but it takes intentionality and care.

I mean, the first thing you need to do is actually come into the knowledge of when a person’s birthday is. That information doesn’t normally just fall into your lap; although there are some people who walk around announcing their birth date to everyone they meet. But even after that, it takes mental acuity (or a pen and a calendar) to set that date aside as a day to, at the very least, say “Happy Birthday” to someone. Beyond that there are different levels of celebratory gifting. A greeting, a card, a gift, a party… a surprise party, a trip… and it can go on. I know people who actually celebrate their birthdays for an entire week. Geez!

It is no surprise that the ones closest to us are the ones who take more care and interest in remembering our birthdays. After all, they care for us, they are part of our lives, they are around us, they don’t want us to be disappointed or sad… and certainly don’t want to get on our bad side because we all know that can be trouble.

This year, July 1, 2010, I had a lovely birthday. It was very quiet and low key. I spent the day with my son. Opened some presents when my hubby got home. Went out to dinner and got my favorite meal. We had a really great time as a family and I have to say – it was one of my best birthday’s ever just because my happiness in those moments with my son and husband were so genuine and real.

My parents sent me some very special, well thought-out gifts and I felt very loved. I suppose I should mention that my love language is “Gifts” so give me a gift… and boy do I feel special!!! My mother and father in-law also sent me a few things in the mail that were also special. Hubby did great with his gifts to me (nothing that plugs in – yay). I got a few phone calls, one from my sister and one from my brother. I spoke with my sister-in-law, Marissa, and one other friend. I got about 20 facebook Happy Birthdays on my wall, which was nice… but I know how that works. When it’s someone’s birthday it shows up on your page and its one of the easiest things in the world to just click on the reminder, get to their page and type “H-A-P-P-Y_B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y” on their wall. It’s nice… but let’s face it, probably mostly coincidence and surely in most cases, not very intentional. I did however make sure I sent back a personal note to every single person who wished my H.B. on my wall because whether they realized it or not, I reallyappreciated the time it took to do what they did.

But something happened after my birthday passed. Remember I said it was a good one… simple but very meaningful... my Husband, my son, parents (regular and in-law) succeeded in making me feel very special! But even with that, the devil began chatting in my ear. He knows this is one of those sore spots for me and it was a GREAT opportunity for him to dig at me. I have a handful of what I would consider really good friends… not one of them even called me. Not one of them sent me a card… of course no gift… and out of the handful… only 3 wished me happy birthday on my facebook page. Hmmmm…. I thought a little further… I didn’t get one birthday card in the mail this year. And… 3 of the people who are very involved in my life… who I know are aware of my birthday… didn’t acknowledge it at all. I recalled 365 days earlier… my first surprise birthday dinner ever thanks to my husband, but with that recollection I also was faced with realizing the person who helped plan that surprise dinner, didn’t say word one to me this year about my birthday. Granted a lot has changed in that 365 days.

I know this is selfish! I know it… I know I am whining… but this has been wearing at me. These thoughts… these selfish thoughts about what I didn’t get have been stealing the joy of what I did get. This intrinsic selfishness that drives unrealistic expectation of others who they themselves are just as selfish as I am… has dampened my mood and I again have this feeling of not liking my birthday… at all. I suppose I have the devil to thank for all of that… I have myself to thank for listening to his nonsense. But is it all nonsense? Is there this appropriate reality check that needs to happen regarding my boundaries that says... if someone doesn’t know me well enough to know how I feel about this... if someone doesn’t care enough about me to even attempt to remember... perhaps we aren’t as close as I thought we were? Is that the devil? Or is that real? I don't know.

I know life happens, and everyone has stuff going on I am not aware of… and I even have to admit I have forgotten birthdays of great importance to me – and I have felt AWFUL about it because this is something that is obviously near and dear to my heart. I am fully aware that my selfishness is of less importance to others than their own selfishness. I just wish this whole birthday thing didn’t make me feel so… conflicted. I suppose I’m the only one who has control over that. I suppose the only way out is to give those feelings to Jesus and ask Him to bear the burden of it for me.

Ah ha... God just told me of something. It doesn’t matter who does and doesn’t help make me feel special on July 1st, or any other day of the year for that matter. Because guess what... in God’s eyes... I’m special EVERY SINGLE DAY... not just on July 1st. The creator of the universe desires to make me feel special ALL THE TIME but I, selfish me, stand in the way of that by letting the devil, society and unrealistic expectations of others sour my view, by focusing on what I didn't get rather than what I did get. I NEED to be fully satisfied with God' love for me... He didn't give me perfection but He did give me eternal life through Jesus, a gift to be truly thankful for. With that I will stop my whining and try to move on being less selfish.

What a Waste

I went to a church design conference in Arkansas last year. It was called DIRT… it was about how to make something out of nothing. This was a great tool for church design ministry since most churches don’t have a ton of money they want to spend on media and design. At the conference, they also taught us some great ways to recycle things… so nothing ever has to be wasted. It was a great conference, although it did have a few unexpected moments I have wrestled with that had nothing to do with the conference.

It was only a 5 hour trip so we drove. The conference ended in the evening so we drove home at night. I was sacked out in the back of the car listening to my MP3 and staring out the window. I had one of those moments I hope I'll remember for a long time.

Staring out the window, I watched as a big Mack truck passed us slowly. He was hauling a load of livestock, specifically… chickens. This truck was loaded… I mean wow… that was a lot of chickens. So many chickens were stuffed in each cage they couldn’t move. Their faces, wings, feet were pressed up against the sides of the cages. The wind from the highway travel was harshly blowing around them and feathers were flying out of the wire openings. As I watched, it seemed they were passing in slow motion. I knew where they were headed… to their doom no doubt… so I stuck my bottom lip out to pout. I was sad for them. Stuffed in cages; trapped with no control over their future. It made me sad, even though they were just chickens.

Something about that impacted me…I saw them and thought of the sacrifice they were part of, their life traded for my nourishment. I’m an animal lover but I’m not over the top, and I’m not a vegetarian… in fact, I enjoy meat. But, I don’t think I could be part of the ugliness behind getting the meat to the grocery store. I’d rather just not know so I can enjoy my fresh meal in peace and quiet with no guilt.

Seeing that truck with the chickens on it brought me great guilt though, but not for the reason you think. I usually purchase huge packages of raw chicken to split into small baggies and freeze. Earlier that month, I had taken one of those bags out of the freezer and put it in the fridge to defrost so I could make it for dinner on one of the coming days. I waited a few too many days to make it though, and when I opened the bag the smell that hit me in the face told me if I made this chicken for my family… none of us would feel very good for a few days. I ended up throwing it in the garbage – 5 large chicken breasts gone… just like that.

What a waste.

Back to the truck… it hit me like a Mack truck full of chickens how irresponsible I had been as a living being. I not only wasted precious food… I wasted those chicken’s sacrifice and life. Everything they had been through had been for nothing. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not over here projected human emotion onto a chicken, I realize they don’t have a sense of things like we do – but even still… whether they realize it or not… they are still a living creature, a creation of the Father and I have a responsibility to be accountable for their place in my world. I should not waste them, or anybody or anything else for that matter. I felt disrespectful. I felt irresponsible in that moment…

What a waste…

But it was the kind of emotion that was productive, I didn’t waste my wastefulness. It made me want to do better and be more conscious of my actions, or lack of action. I realized I have an opportunity to be disrespectful and irresponsible with every single thing I do and have in life. The opportunities to fail at protecting the most important things in life are there all the time. I could easily put my attention on a man who is not my husband because of my ego… I could easily turn my back on a friend I care about because of the crowd or a lie… I could easily let a good deed turn sour by being selfish and judgmental… and I could easily snap at my child and tell him he is acting like a baby just because I’m in a bad mood and not realize how that may effect him for the rest of his life. Disrespectful, irresponsible…

What a waste.

Let’s go deeper… to even more important things in life.

Jesus died to give me life. Jesus died so I could have a personal relationship with God. Jesus died so I could be forgiven. Jesus died so I could live in eternity with God.

I realize when I don’t live in a way in which I am moving towards God, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. When I don’t take advantage of the one-on-one personal relationship with God that I have been gifted, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. When I don’t forgive others who have hurt me or wronged me; when I continually beat myself up over something I have done by not allowing God to forgive my mistakes, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. When I live my life in a way that indicates this life here on earth and what others here think of me is more important than the eternal life I will have later with God, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. Talk about feeling irresponsible and disrespectful.

What a waste.

My nature being what it is makes it impossible for me to walk through life without being disrespectful, irresponsible and wasteful. Even when I am trying my hardest, I simply can not help it. In recognizing this I have a few choices. I can choose to just do whatever I want knowing that I’m going to fail anyway so why not just have a good time and fulfill my needs as I go. I can choose to deny the whole thing; pretend all is well so I never have to face it. I can choose to beat myself up continually for my failures and live in a lowly place, ducking my head down in shame, living in fear of wrath, never fully accepting the freedom Jesus gave through His sacrifice. I can choose to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try, I will fall short – BUT also accept I am covered in God’s grace so I don’t need to beat myself up. I just need to keep trying. In my opinion, the only one of those choices that reestablishes respect, responsibility and honor is the last one. To the other choices… all I can say is… what a waste. I leave you with this question, is there an area of your life in which you are tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage? If so… what are you going to do to reestablish respect, responsibility, honor and stop being wasteful of the King’s flesh?

"Ashes, Ashes... We All Fall Down"

A pastor friend of mine decided to give up coffee for Lent. To the average coffee drinker, I’d say this, “Are you sure… I mean really sure you want to do that?” but to this particular friend I said, “Are you insane??? Holy crap… What are you thinking???” He loves his coffee… I mean LOVES coffee! I am not lying when I say… he even drinks coffee when he is preaching.

His response to my “Holy crap” statement was so perfect. He basically told me that even though for him it was a big deal to give up something like coffee for Lent… when comparing his sacrifice to that of Jesus’ sacrifice for us… giving up a thing like coffee was no big deal. His answer, as perfect as it was, as right as it was… was like a dagger to my heart. Oh, I am so selfish. I support my friend with all my heart in his commitment and sacrifice to give up something he loves to celebrate this season… this beautiful season of sacrifice. Because of him I decided to give up something myself for Lent. This is my first time EVER fasting from something for this season. It might sound silly, but I gave up Facebook. Trust me, that is a sacrifice for me. It’s like digital crack. In addition, I decided that every time I think about Facebook in any way – I’m going to stop what I am doing and talk to God. I think I’ve spoken to Him about 35 times already… and it’s only 1:22 on Ash Wednesday.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve lived my entire life… a Christian childhood, destructive youth and early adulthood as well as into my new life of salvation in Christ without knowing what Ash Wednesday really meant. Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m sure along the way in all the years of Christian parenting, church services, Sunday school, confirmation, youth outings and more recently lots of Bible reading, Christian study and Jesus based recovery work… someone… probably many people have told me what Ash Wednesday was all about but for whatever reason, I forgot, or didn’t listen (probably the latter) so I ended up here at 37 years old ignorant of the meaning and purpose of Ash Wednesday.

This morning, Ash Wednesday of 2010, I decided I was going to educate myself a little… so here is what I learned. Ash Wednesday is supposed to be a day of fasting and repentance in preparation for the season of Lent. In Lent we go through the stages of Christ’s sacrifice for us…. we pause at Good Friday for reflection then rejoice on Easter as we are reminded that the war has already been won. I knew some of that already… here’s what I didn’t know…

The ashes of Ash Wednesday are what make it so significant. It’s not that it’s cool to walk around with a black cross on your forehead or that there is any medicinal advantages to the ashes. The ashes actually MEAN something. Ashes were a sign of deep mourning in the old days. It wasn’t regular old mourning though… dusting yourself with ashes was a way of expressing sorrow for YOUR OWN sins and faults. Job 42:6 says, “Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." Wearing sack cloth was similar. It was a way of admitting wrong and repenting. I can’t really think of a way we signify that in today’s world at all, other than… pointing at someone we don’t like and saying “It wasn’t me!” (that was a joke). Oh wait a minute… that’s exactly what Ash Wednesday is, DUH! Wearing ashes, choosing to fast (from at least one thing) in an effort to admit our wrongs and sins to our Lord. It has always been about that, I just didn’t realize it! And those ashes… they weren’t just scooped up out of your pastor’s fireplace. Did you know that the ashes used on Ash Wednesday are produced by burning the palms used on the prior Palm Sunday? I thought that was a particularly interesting fact and I wondered how many churches really still do that.

Ezekiel 9:3-6 says this… “Then the LORD called to the man clothed in linen who had the writing kit at his side and said to him, "Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the detestable things that are done in it." As I listened, he said to the others, "Follow him through the city and kill, without showing pity or compassion. Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children, but do not touch anyone who has the mark. Begin at my sanctuary." Based on this, there have been a bunch of Ash Wednesdays I should have been slaughtered for not taking the time to get “marked” or grieve appropriately for the horrible things I myself and society do everyday.

I’m sure there is a lot more to the meaning of Ash Wednesday… but those were the basics I found that satisfied my thirst for knowledge on the subject. I thought I was so clever when I had the idea to name this article “Ashes Ashes… We All Fall Down”. I actually did a little giggle to myself about it because it seemed so perfect. Ashes will sure remind me from this day forward of how flawed I am… how no matter what I do I will always fall down. Thank You Jesus for Your obedience to Your Father. Thank You for Your sacrifice for such undeserving people. And thank You for showing me that even if I were the only person on the planet… the only being to have ever lived… You still would have done it… You love me THAT much. You’re right, Joe… coffee ain’t nothing!

Beaten Isn't the Reas'n

Humility… something all of us humans are supposed to strive for. When I first entered recovery, I was told I needed to find some humility. At first I was totally offended. I was confused because I really thought I already had humility. After all, I knew I was one of the lowest life forms on the planet. I knew that everyone was better than me. I knew there was no way God could ever forgive my sins – they were too big, too bad and too unforgivable. I felt I already was as humble as I could get – in fact, I wondered if perhaps I was a little bit too humble. I had been told my whole life I was supposed to be humble, but I had also been told that to truly love someone else I needed to first love myself. I was so humble that I didn’t love myself at all.

Sobriety has taught me many things about humility and as it turned out… I had a horribly misconstrued conception of what humility was. Whenever I thought about the picture of humility, I saw Jesus. But the picture of Jesus that I would see wasn’t of Him teaching others, or healing people, or praying… it was the picture of Jesus being tortured and beaten – bloody from head to toe at the hand of his accusers as He prepared to be nailed to the cross. Yes, Jesus was the perfect picture of humility and He let people beat the crap out of Him, even though He didn’t deserve it at all.

So it only made sense; being beaten = humility. I think there might be a lot of us walking around this world thinking the very same thing. We think being humble means we are supposed to be, act or feel lower than the people around us. We think we are supposed to sacrifice our own natural desires and needs in a grand act of martyr-ism so we can come out on the other end feeling like the humble hero. But… what ends up happening, is we feel used and abused by others and we get angry for not being appreciated.

For me, I would wonder, “if humility is so great… why do I feel so insignificant and powerless when it’s all said and done?” I would then turn back to my thoughts of Jesus and how He didn’t complain about being beaten. I’d think, “Buck up camper… Jesus did it and His situation was so much worse! I just need to try harder to be humble and just accept that it sucks without complaining.” In my inability to accept the suck-i-ness, I would feel like a disappointment to God and become overwhelmed with a feeling of selfishness… and I’d beat myself up for my failure. My anger then extended outwards to others for not noticing my pain or appreciating my so-called sacrifices. That anger grew and grew… and the cycle continued.

One day, I was at an AA meeting complaining about the cycle I just explained. A gentleman came up to me privately after the meeting and told me I had it all wrong. He said I wasn’t being humble at all…he went on to tell me I was being extremely selfish. It has taken me a long time to understand what he meant… but I’m finally getting it… and he was right. I have never been humble… I have always been selfish.

Humility isn’t about making myself lowly. It isn’t about being a martyr. It’s not about being beaten by myself or others. Humility is not about powerlessness… in fact, humility is the most powerful trait anyone can possess. That’s right… to be humble is to be full of power. Humility is pure power… but… it is power under control.

Go back to that picture of Jesus I shared with you. He was sacrificing himself, giving His blood for our freedom. He was being beaten and taunted. He was in physical pain we can not even imagine but… His sacrifice, His spilled blood, His pulsing wounds, His emotional torment was NOT why He was humble. He was humble because He, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords contained within Himself the power to stop what was happening to Him. He could have broken free and whooped some major butt at any given time but instead… He kept His power contained and under control. He knew who He was, He knew what His purpose was, He knew what God wanted from Him and He knew why it was so important… He was confident, He was powerful and… His control of those things was what made Him humble.

Those who successfully find true humility know who they are. They are confident in who God has made them to be (and they know the growth must continue… it is not a destination). They know their mission, their purpose and they aren’t looking to be a martyr or to be appreciated. They do what they do out of obedience to God because they know He has an important reason for sending them down a certain path. They are full of God’s power… but they hold it deeply in their soul, with delicate and definite control. I’m sure for them, humility comes and goes, for it wouldn’t be in our nature at all to have it together all the time. That’s why I believe humility can only be accomplished with the help of God. Maybe one day I will actually get to feel what humility truly is… but for now, I’m just working towards it. And I am so very glad to finally understand that I don’t have to be lowly, powerless, beaten or unappreciated to be on the pathway to humility.

Expectant Tears

In Pompeii back in 63 BC, the people were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the great Christ. They were excited at what His arrival would mean. Based on the greatness of King David, who if you will recall was an amazing warrior; a grand man of faith with a presence that could not be ignored, they awaiting the King of Kings expecting Him to be very similar, but bigger and grander by far. They waited and waited faithfully for a grand warrior, a man of prestige and obvious honor to come and say “I am He! Follow me!”

With all their faith and all their waiting… can you believe they missed it??? When it finally happened and Jesus was born, they didn’t believe that He could possibly be the Christ. You see, He did not fulfill the popular expectation of the Messiah at all. He was humble not boastful. He was a servant to others not bossy at all. On the outside, He was a man of few means, not a man of extravagant wealth. He was a lover and not a fighter. Nope, this wasn’t the Christ they expected at all and as a result of their incorrect expectation… they missed it completely.

I have often asked myself how I will know when Jesus returns. I wonder if I will accidentally miss it or not believe when the time comes. But then I realize I am fortunate to have the Bible to direct me and assure me that I will not miss it. It's very clear in there, there will be no way for me to miss it… and I have to be honest… I can’t wait!

I think we as people walk around with all sorts of expectations and we don’t even realize it. For example, if you’re in a really good mood, you might choose to say hi to a stranger at the store. But just because you said hi doesn’t mean they are going to say hi back. In fact, they might even give you the finger depending on what kind of mood they are in. It's amazing how quickly your good mood turns sour when you do something nice (like saying hi) and the same niceness isn’t reciprocated. Why is that? It's because we have the expectation that just because we offer ourselves in kindness, that others should do the same. We expect to be respected… and in our selfishness, we also somehow think everything is about us. If someone doesn’t say hi, it’s taken very personally and we wonder what we did wrong.

I have gotten better at not over-expecting or under-expecting (which is just as dangerous) but I still have a lot to learn. One of the ways I practice having a zero expectation walk of life is to say hi to everyone I come across… say hi and expect nothing in return. It’s a very small gesture but has helped me a lot. Some people smile at me, some people growl at me, some people look at me like I’m a weirdo and some people just jump right into a lovely conversation. No matter what happens though, I know I am doing it because I want to. I am doing it because it’s a little way I can shine a tiny glimmer of Jesus into other people’s world. They don’t have to accept it… that is their choice. And… if they don’t, I know it’s not my fault at all. I never know what someone else’s battle may be, but it surely is not about me saying hi to them.

Recently I’ve had some expectations dashed… and it has really hurt. I do a lot of work with people in recovery and it gets messy sometimes. One of my expectations in this area is that people who come to me for help, really honestly want help. That seems like a reasonable expectation, right? Well, I think I’ve learned that having a zero expectation policy here is much healthier because in reality… some of the people who ask for help are only doing it because they know they are supposed to want help while in reality… they are not fully ready or willing to make changes. Another expectation I realize I must change is the belief that the people I work with in recovery will respect our relationship enough not to turn on me and blame me for things I had nothing to do with. My partner in recovery leadership told me that this is pretty normal stuff… that hurt people, hurt people… and they lie and make stuff up to cover their own butts. They need someone to blame for their failures or incorrect behavior and the one who was trying to help, the one who knows the truth is usually the easiest target. I know he is right, and I know I’ll get better at this as I adjust my expectations and tighten up my boundaries when working with new people, but I have to admit… it is scary to throw my trust out at people who I know might screw me over because they are not ready. In the last month, this has been so real and scary to me that I have deeply considered walking away from my God given purpose of helping others in need of recovery.

I’m not going to quit though, God has assured me this is spiritual warfare. The devil doesn’t want me to to continue because through me following God’s will, the devil will lose some very faithful followers. My head knows I can’t quit and that I won’t quit… but my heart questions whether I can handle the pain. Can I really keep trusting the untrustworthy hoping they will see that God hasn’t given up on them, while taking the chance they will turn around and pierce another piece of my heart? Can I do it?

I ask, what would Jesus do? Would He turn away from what God has asked Him to do just because He was scared of being hurt? If you recall the night He was arrested, He went to His Father in prayer and asked Him if there was any other way… He said, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” (Mark 14:34) Then He said, “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you...Yet not what I will, but what you want.” (Mark 14:36). He went on from there to suffer a torturous, painful, horrible death… for all of us. For… me. Jesus didn't turn away from what God wanted of Him, and He knew it was gonna hurt real bad.

A wise friend of mine told me that in the end, all we have is trust. If we let this cynical world steal our trust from us, we are only punishing ourselves (thank you wise friend). Of course, trust should be used with intelligence, with expectations in check and proper boundaries in place. And then comes faith… faith in a God who is bigger than all of it.

Yesterday, my heart was heavy with grief and I had been crying most the day. God felt really far away and I was questioning what He wanted from me. It hasn’t been my best week. I had to put my dog to sleep, both of our cars broke down, ridiculous untrue accusations coupled with unkind emails, difficult personal boundary adjustments, and to top it off… my grandmother died. Having a heavy heart… well that doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings at the time. But I had a party I needed to go to for Celebrate Recovery and I decided to try and do my best with what was ahead of me. I was in the car trying to merge onto the highway and for some reason, no one would let me into traffic. It was tricky and for the first time in a long time I really struggled to get in the lane I needed to be in on the road. Finally I was there and took a deep breath. I looked ahead to the car in front of me and the plate said, “PVB 123” I wondered if God was speaking to me… had the cars not let me in because God needed me to make my way behind this particular car? God-incidence??? I called my husband and asked him to read Proverbs 1:23 to me and here is what it said, “Listen to my strong words! See, I will pour out my spirit on you. I will make my words known to you.” I was in awe… God was there… He was going to take good care of me and I needed to just relax and let Him show me His will… it would come.

I have felt a little more at ease with God’s presence since then, but still very troubled about having been accused unkindly of something untrue while trying to help someone in recovery and I've chosen not to stand up for myself because I hold others anonymity very highly. It just hurt my heart. This morning at breakfast my husband suggested maybe I needed to read the license plate a little differently… Proverbs 12:3. I looked it up and here is what it said, “A man will not stand by doing what is wrong, but the root of those who are right with God will never be moved.” The weight on my shoulders began to lift and by the time we returned from church... I was finally at peace.

Knowing Proverbs 1:23 and Proverbs 12:3 is out there and that they are the word of God written for me, I can say loudly, “Yes Lord, I can do what You ask of me, whatever it is!” And with the help of a few really good real friends, my sponsor and an a-number-one Christian therapist, I will get better at balancing the proper expectations and boundaries that are so needed in what I was made for. Hey devil… you can expect to see me keep on going! And I expect that my heart will ache from time to time... but the joy in the end will be worth every single expectant tear. I'm not going to miss out on my calling or my relationship with Christ just because it's not quite what I expected.

Christian Leadership Is Like a T-Shirt... Really, It Is!

A few weeks ago my husband said to me, “Wow, you sure do have a lot of Jesus shirts!” Yes, I do. I’ve written a few different articles concerning my t-shirts. Check out June’s articles “Blending In” and “Responsibility… An Addendum to a T-Shirt” and October’s “Out of Propane … Again.” I’m a big fan of Jesus shirts, not so much because I think I’m making people love Him by seeing my shirt, but more because it’s a way I can profess my faith without saying a word. I can show Jesus my devotion to Him and show I am not ashamed to profess it. It also has created a new way of thinking for me… a way of being more responsible for my actions and to not be a bad example for Christ. The impact of Jesus shirts has been life changing for me.

I am a leader at church and I take it very seriously. Right now I’m forming a team for something very important. In the training material it honed in on something that has really stuck with me. Other than love and devotion to Christ, the idea is that the most important ingredient to a good church leader is their ability to walk their talk. Before making leadership appointments or pleas for help, first stop and ask “does this person’s life reflect their devotion to God in all facets? Do they live out their belief? Do they walk their talk?" That’s not to say they have to be perfect… no one is. But there is a big difference in the credibility of someone who says “do as I do” and a person who says “do what I say, but ignore how I act.”

When it comes to Jesus t-shirts, you have 5 choices to consider:

Choice One: You can choose not to go in the store the sells that type of shirt. That’s right… there is nothing in there for you! You’ve either got it all figured out on your own or you don’t think “that stuff” can help you with anything. It’s a bunch of hooey. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in a shirt like that!”

Choice Two: Once in the store and browsing, you see a shirt that strikes your fancy. “OHHHH, that is pretty!” or “Ha ha, that’s kinda funny…” but you make a choice. You choose not to buy a shirt at all. “It’s too much trouble, what will people think of me if I wear THAT… yes, that shirt is for OTHER people, not me.”

Choice Three: After you buy the shirt, you realize that it carries with it a bit more responsibility than you first thought. At that point, you make the choice to never actually wear it (or maybe you just wear it to bed as a night shirt). So, it hangs in your closet, every once in while you consider putting it on to wear in public but then you don’t. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to deal with the responsibility of having to watch your behavior – or maybe you are afraid… afraid you will fail and afraid you will be a bad example. “I don’t want to be a bad example. If I’m not perfect, God will be mad. I may turn people away from God then their lack of salvation will be all my fault.” (FYI you sin all the time whether you have the shirt on or not and God still loves you – and God is much bigger than you so if you mess up one person’s view of Christ, He has boundless opportunities to fix it, so get over yourself!)

Choice Four: You can choose to wear the T-shirt and walk around willy-nilly without a care in the world. You’re flipping people off, cursing like a dude that just fell off a navy boat, getting loaded at the bar… you’ve forgotten about the shirt completely or maybe you just don’t care one way or another. Perhaps the t-shirt is fashionable, or maybe it makes you feel like you are part of something, maybe it’s just comfortable, maybe it makes you feel important… who knows… but you can choose to put it on and wear it just like any other shirt in your closet.

Choice Five: You can choose to wear the shirt and take the responsibility seriously. When you put it on, you say to yourself “I am going to do my best to be an example that makes God shine. I am going to walk as closely to Jesus as possible today.” Okay, so you might mess up but refer back to the parenthetical at the end of Choice Three… get over yourself, God can fix ANYTHING. The amazing thing with this choice is that if you work on this consciously, in time what will happen is you will not need to prep yourself each time you put the shirt on, and maybe just maybe you will unconsciously become a better disciple of Christ than you ever have been before no matter what shirt you have on… and what could possibly be wrong with that? Nothing… it’s awesome. I have seen this happen in my own life. And yes, I do screw up. But… I keep putting the t-shirt on and keep doing my best. Isn’t that what being a Christian is really about… having the shirt on every single day?

So now, what the heck does the t-shirt have to do with Christian leadership??? A lot really… it’s just we don’t think of it this way.

Choice One: You can choose to not put yourself in a position to ever be asked to step forward for Christ. Perhaps that means not going to church at all, maybe it’s just going on Easter and Christmas. Maybe it’s regular attendance but out the door you run as soon as it’s over. After all, you don’t want anyone to approach you and actually ask you to do anything for the church. If they did, you’d either have to make up some lame excuse about how busy you are or you’d have to say yes just so people don’t think you’re a bad person. Then you end up serving God with a bad attitude. He LOVES that (sarcasm).

Choice Two: You go to your house of worship every week. You enjoy the people and the social aspect and that Pastor he is really great… he tells the best stories (they’re in the Bible, you should read it sometime). But when it comes to all that extra stuff… Bible study, small groups, food drives, angel tree, clean team, prayer chain… the list goes on… it sounds interesting at first but… “It’s too much trouble, what will people outside of my church think of me if I commit to THAT… yes, that stuff is for OTHER people to do, not me.”

Choice Three: You’ve been attending regularly for a long time, you’ve even officially joined the church and it feels good. You have “purchased” a tiny corner of the building by committing your tithes. Someone steps up and directly asks you, “Would you be willing to lead a new team for us? I think you have the skills and background to do a great job. This ministry could be incredible and reach lots of people… will you think about it?” You are so honored and you go home with a smile on your face. “Wow… they thought of me! I must be doing something right, I have it all together! They know I love God and see what a good person I am.” Suddenly, the honor starts to turn on you…. And fear steps in… “But I don’t have it all together… and what if they find out? What if they find out about my bad habits? Will they kick me out of the church?” Then the Spirit steps in… “But God obviously brought this to me for a reason, maybe He is asking me to step up. Maybe with His help I can make some changes within myself that I have been putting off for a long time.” Enter Satan…”Who do you think you are? You can’t change. You are just a worthless sinner and you have no business leading anyone in anything. They will laugh at you, they will mock you, you will fail… you’re better off letting someone more qualified than you take this.” You call the person who asked you to lead this new team or ministry and you politely decline. Part of you is ashamed because the voice of the Spirit told you ever so quietly that He wanted you to do this and that perhaps it was time to makes some changes in your life. The other part of you is relieved. You can go on just the way you’ve always been, doing the things you want to do, not worrying about if people find out or what people will think of you. Whether you realize it or not, that relief brings more guilt… and shame.

Choice Four: You agree to head up the new ministry. You are ready to go and proud that you were chosen. This is a point of ego for you “I am a leader, people look up to me, I am good.” Deep inside you know that your position as a leader means that you should probably not act out in certain ways but, who do these church people think you are, Jesus? “I mean, I need to live my life and be who I am.” You have chosen to lead but you walk around willy-nilly without a care in the world. You’re flipping people off, cursing like a dude that just fell off a navy boat, getting loaded at the bar. When you are outside of your ministry, you’ve forgotten about your church responsibility completely or maybe you just don’t care one way or another. Perhaps to you leadership is fashionable, or maybe it makes you feel like you are part of something, maybe it makes you feel important… who knows… but you can choose to take on the role of leader in Christ but segment your life so that you don’t have to make any changes that reflect your choice to lead others to be closer to Christ. Sadly, I believe this is where most people find themselves. I would love to be wrong.

Choice Five: You can choose to lead the ministry and take the responsibility very seriously. When you wake up in the morning of a ministry responsibility, you say to yourself “I am going to do my best to be an example that makes God shine. I am going to walk as closely to Jesus as possible today.” You recognize that you will never be perfect, you will make mistakes, you will need to make apologies but your faith is strong and you know without doubt… God can fix ANYTHING. You step out just a little bit further and realize that the way you act in public, while at work, while at the coffee shop, while waiting in line at the grocery store is also a reflection of your ministry. What if someone from church saw you flipping off the car next to you? Because you are a leader, would they then think it was okay to do such things? Or would they go the other way and make a decision to NOT be like you? You put yourself in God’s hands humbly and ask Him to do His best work with you, molding you into the person He made you to be. You allow your ministry to bleed into your entire life. The changes you have been waiting to make… you jump off and do it with the help of God. Eventually with this attitude you will unconsciously become a better disciple of Christ than you ever have been before no matter where you are or what you are doing… and what could possibly be wrong with that? Nothing… it’s awesome. I have seen this happen in my own life. And yes, I do screw up. But… I keep trying and keep doing my best. Isn’t that what being a Christian is really about… leading people towards Christ every single day?

Are you still wondering what a T-shirt and Church Leadership have in common?

Well, here’s a big idea for you to try to swallow. Forget about t-shirts and specific ministry leadership for a moment. Let’s go really basic. Think about your allegiance to Christ. Do you call yourself a Christian? Do you call yourself a Christ follower? Well, the choice to be a Christian, a Christ follower, is in and of itself a daily leadership position. If you are a person who calls yourself Christian… I urge you to take it very seriously in all facets of your life. It is a matter of life and death; few and many, narrow and wide.

If you have made the decision to lead within the body of God’s church, I also urge you to take it very seriously in all facets of your life. It’s not an easy thing to do. In fact it takes a lot of discipline and prayer. But you have peoples’ lives in your hands and in addition you have made a “contract” with God to aid his ministry one soul at a time. If you can not take this seriously, don’t accept the job. None of us are perfect, and one of the best things a leader can do is to be authentic, able and willing to say, “I screwed up, I’m sorry… I will try my best to do better next time.” I have very recently had to do this very thing. I was embarrassed, but the outcome was incredible. I built more trust and credibility with my people… and I was told that the fact I could admit my failure proved that I am, in fact, a good leader. I will end with this quote, “Nobody likes to be led, but everyone loves to be led well.” Lead well my friends.

Proud Like Haman

I’d like to tell you a story about a girl I know…

She had a happy life. She was blessed with good health, a nice family, and a pleasing job. She wanted for nothing… her lifestyle wasn’t overly extravagant, but nice. She was very proud to have a 4 bedroom home in a nice neighborhood. She often told her friends about the pool and hot tub in her back yard. She mentioned the wall sized movie projector television in her living room whenever a discussion led her there. She was proud of her game room that housed a full sized pool table. Her biggest source of pride was that her husband had been so smart with their money that they had no debt other than their mortgage.

She had an attractive husband… and smart son. All in all, a good-looking family. It was actually a family she never dreamed she would have since in her mind, good-looking men were out of her league. And motherhood… that was just not something meant for her. But now that she had it all… she was bound and determined to be different… to do this every day married and mommy life in a special and more exciting way than others did it. She was going to rise above the norm and be exceptional.

She worked for a company that found her skills so appealing, they were willing to over-pay her by many thousands of dollars. They even made her a manager. It was the best job she had ever had and she loved going to work every day.

In her spare time, she did plenty of volunteer work. She saw herself as a person who did more for the world than most people. She relished the honors her extra work brought upon her and she shared them with those around her proudly. She saw herself as a person who loved and devoted herself to God more than most people. She thought her relationship with God gave her the right to judge others and she did that often, essentially making decisions for God about who was good and who was bad. With these thoughts, she elevated herself above average and when she looked in the mirror, she saw a person who was doing really great in life. A person who was BETTER than most.

With all of this going for her… she still wasn’t happy. She always wanted just a little bit more. She always felt like the world owed her just a little bit extra. She was racked with jealousy… and if she ever saw someone else getting new, expensive things… a family that was evolving beyond hers… a job or promotion that exceeded her own achievements… or even being publicly rewarded for a good deed, she would turn green with envy. Sadly, she had even plotted against others at times to hold them back even in the tiniest of ways. Some times it was as simple as an unkind “joke” to deflate confidence or maybe even as complicated and cruel as giving a poor score on a managerial review just to keep them from progressing. But even with all those things swirling in her mind and through her hands on a daily basis, she still regarded herself as a highly moral, good and decent Christian gal… better than most.

Well, if you haven’t figured it out already… that girl was me. Most of you reading this that know me, never really fully knew that part of me. It is embarrassing to admit these things, especially to people who mostly only know me as sober, God-loving Wendy. I have no doubt you see a glimmer of it here or there as it is innately (and unfortunately) who I was for many, many years. It is a fight to leave those behaviors behind after living that way for so long. The best word to describe that person is… proud. And yes, I find myself in that proud mindset more often than I’d like to admit. It is by far my biggest struggle, even beyond sobriety.

I found it interesting how closely "old me" resembled Haman, of the Old Testament. He is the villain in the story of Esther. He saw himself as being totally devoted to King Xerxes and made decisions on the King’s behalf, one of which was a plan to kill all the Jews. He boasted of his wealth, his family, the ways he had been honored by his job with the King, and how things he had done had elevated him above others in high standing. He perceived himself as “The Man,” and used trickery to keep himself on top. He ordered the death of a man who was responsible for saving the King’s life and had a special gallows built for his hanging. In the end, his plot was found out. You could say it was through a series of coincidences, but in my mind they were nothing short of God’s nudgings to have His plan unfold with victory for His chosen people. Haman was hanged on his own specially built gallows. To me, this spoke volumes. It is so common for me to dig a big ole’ hole and then fall right in it. The old perception I held of the person I used to be, a good and moral God fearing lady, was so misguided with pride. The truth was, I had never really read the Word of God, I rarely prayed and the only thing I was ever concerned with was myself. Psalm 7:14-16 says, “The wicked conceive evil; they are pregnant with trouble and give birth to lies. They dig a deep pit to trap others, then fall into it themselves. The trouble they make for others backfires on them. The violence they plan falls on their own heads.” I believe God considers this kind of pride a worse state of faith than to have no faith at all. 2 Peter 2:21 backs me up on that, in fact that whole chapter is a good one to read when feeling prideful and superior in my spiritual standing. Proverbs 16:5 says, “The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.”

The story of Haman shows me how a proud beginning leads to a very bitter end. Fortunately, my end had not yet come when I was given the opportunity to accept God’s grace and forgiveness of my past life. Sobriety and working through the 12 step program is what awakened me to who I really had been. After seeing the type of person I had become… I was able to look to God and ask Him who I was really meant to be. Thankfully, He will never give up on me so with each day that passes I can step a little bit closer to that person He has in mind for me. I still (and always will) fight my intrinsic nature of pride and ego though. I’m so glad that God put real people in the Bible, people I can relate to both bad and good. They show me clearly what will happen to me if I choose poorly, they remind me of who I once was and they also give me unimaginable hope as I attempt to walk closer to God. Someone recently accused me in a very negative and condemning manner of having an inflated spiritual attitude… they said, “Wendy, stop trying to be like Jesus!!!!” But what was meant as an insult brought great joy to my heart. After all, isn’t that the point of being a Christian, to try and be more like Christ in all we do??? I know I’ll never achieve it. I know my pride and ego will rear their ugly heads and set me back now and then but at least I’m trying. In the meantime, I will continue to try and simplify things, not need so much, take more joy in quiet giving and humbly offer my experiences to those who ask.

Thou Shalt Not Comb

My husband, Ryan, and I have really been developing spiritually in the last few years. One of the things in life that seems to go directly against that growth is television. But, I suppose if we keep it in perspective, stand firm on the things we believe then we’ll be alright. I don’t think God wants us to live in a Christ shaped bubble, blocking out the relevance (or irrelevance) of the world. In fact, as one of God’s “fishers of men” I think it is important to know what’s happening in today’s world. I’ve learned in time that nearly anything can be related to the walk of Jesus. With that in mind, we sat down Monday night to watch some television and see what the new fall season had to offer.

One of our favorite shows had two completely separate story lines going. The first one we thought was extremely witty, entertaining and true. It was about how we as people should be confident enough with who we are that we don’t need to change what we say and do just to make others happy. I whole heartedly agree with this… but I wish it were as easy as it sounds. In my old, drunken life I truly had no idea who I was. I changed my personality completely based on who I was around and what situation was before me. I was a personality chameleon… and I told a lot of big lies. It was hard to keep up with, but it was worth it in my warped little mind because I thought that was why people liked me. As it turns out, I don’t think too many people actually did like me, because… I didn’t stand for anything, no one could figure me out and, oh yeah… I was a liar. I am still a died-in-the-wool people pleaser, and even though I’m sober I struggle with this every day. I don’t ever want to feel like anyone is mad at me. Sometimes my fear of disappointing others causes me to be dishonest about simple things. Think about it, if someone asked Jesus to go to a two hour network marketing presentation He had no interest in, I don’t imagine He’d be so insecure that He would need to come up with 3 or 4 excuses just to feel okay about saying no. I can hear it… “Well, my donkey is lame so I don’t have a ride. And one of the straps on my sandal broke so I really should get that fixed before I walk too far or I might get a blister. Plus Martha is making me a big dinner...” nope… I don’t think so. I imagine His answer would be, “No thank you.” Why is that so hard for me???? The word “No,” then a period. I’m working on that.

The second story line was totally disturbing to me. The one funny part was that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have found it disturbing at all. I would have actually found it comforting… everyone else is doing it… so it’s okay. The premise was that when you are in the committed relationship of marriage that it is totally okay to fantasize about other people. I was very pleased to see my husband shaking his head in total disagreement with this… in fact he said “Thou Shall Not Covet!” as he watched it. We both chuckled! My laugh and gladness at his statement had nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with God’s wish for our lives. I adamantly believe my spouse is a true gift from God. I am supposed to cherish him and honor him. I am supposed to be committed and stand by him no matter what. My entire relationship with my husband is an act of worship to God… and if I let another man enter that worship space in any way, I am totally disrespecting the gift. I am essentially spitting on the gift! Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t ever see men who intrigue me or catch my eye. I’m not even gonna lie and say I understood this whole concept the first 5 years of my marriage… because I didn’t!!!! I spit on my gift many times before I began to understand. And to this day, I still have eyes to see, ears to hear and interests that are occasionally sparked by others… but it’s what I do with those sights, sounds and interests that matter. I can choose to comb over them slowly in my head (combing leads to teasing and everyone know that too much teasing leads to a big, knotted mess. Even the best brush can’t get those tangles out without a lot of pain and hair-loss)… or I can choose to reject them and refocus on the awesome gift God has given me. If I have a hard time rejecting them, I pray hard, I go to the Word and pick a verse to help me. I repeat it over and over and sometimes I even ask my trusted prayer partners to pray for me to be released from temptation. God is faithful and if I look to Him to help me reject sin, He most certainly will.

Another thing about God is that He has extremely high standards. So high that if I allow another man to enter my thoughts in a lustful manner, I may as well just go ahead and go all the way with him physically. Now, I’m not saying if I’ve thought about it and it’s like doing it, I may as well just go ahead and do it. What I’m saying is… it is of upmost importance to not allow myself to go there at all, even in my mind.

In closing, I’d like to say that thankfully, God allows U-turns…. Phew! I recently joked with some friends that some days I feel like I’m just walking in circles, taking one U-turn after another. I LOVE that Ryan and I have grown to the point spiritually that we are not as confused by what we see on television. I’ll tell you this though, I do plan on keeping my eyes open. I’m sure there are plenty of things I don’t know to watch out for yet and the devil (along with society) would like nothing better than for me to be unaware of their impact. Today I’m so glad I was able to take that misleading story line that Satan was trying to use to desensitize society into not following God’s heart and turn it around in this writing and tell all of you who read this (all two of you) to stand firm on your commitment and don’t let anyone invade your worship space… it’s for you, your spouse and God…. period.

Only an Idiot

One of my spiritual mentors once told me that when I open the Bible to read God’s word, it is like allowing God to breathe new life into me. Me, a prisoner of sin who isn’t in-and-of-herself worthy to stand face to face with God. Yet, all I have to do to know I am close to Him, to feel His breath, is open His word.

Imagine this for a moment, I am in real prison… on death row. The fact of my innocence or guilt is moot. The only thing that really matters is that tomorrow I have a date with the gas chamber. There is one man who can change my fate… the president. All I need to do is get to him and ask him to save me, right? No problem. Oh wait, I’m in prison. The bars, the guards, the really tall wall with barbed wire and sharpshooters kinda-sorta stand in my way… hmmm.

Imagine for a moment, the prison warden has decided to let me have a two hour pass of freedom as long as I promise to return in exactly two hours (it could happen, right?). I take the bus downtown (my prison is conveniently located right outside of DC), and head over to the White House. I walk right up to the front door and knock on it. Mrs. Obama opens the door… oh wait. Even a free person can’t walk right up to the White House and knock on the door. There are guards and a large fence and many guns between me and the president. Not one person on this two hour journey would tell me that I am worthy to have the conversation I need to have with Mr. Barack Obama. Innocent or guilty, my fate is sealed. I resign myself to death and go back to the prison (or maybe secretly try to catch the redeye to Tahiti).

Well, before Jesus died on the cross for us, our relationship with God wasn’t much different than the scenario above I just asked you to imagine. DISCLAIMER: Let me state this clearly: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM SAYING OUR PRESIDIENT IS A GOD OR ANYTHING LIKE GOD. HE IS NOT! I am merely trying to illustrate a point. Before Jesus came to the world and took on the role of the living, breathing Word of God… all we had was a “deal” with God. The deal was this, He would set us free if we promised to be perfect by abiding by the 10 commandments. I’m not sure if you realize this, but we aren’t very good at being perfect so with that deal in place, we were simply not worthy to have a direct relationship with God. We were trapped in a prison, behind bars with armed guards all around and only our guilt to keep us company. The one and only being that could release us from our certain death was behind a curtain we could only dream of looking at. There were prophets sent by God and priests to be the go-between and help us attain forgiveness and understand the way. Abraham, David, Elijah, Elisha, John the Baptist are just a few. Because of God’s love for us, and His desire to be connected to us He changed the deal… He sent His only son to show us the way. He sent His only son to take our sin on as His own. He sent His only son to die in the gas chamber so we wouldn’t have to. He sent His only son to die for all the things we’ve done and even the things we haven’t yet thought to do. Hebrews 10: 19-23 tells us that Jesus’ death opened the curtain between us and God. Matthew 27:51 tells us that at the very moment of Jesus’ death, the curtain in the temple was torn in half from top to bottom. It is only by the sacrifice of Jesus that we are invited into a personal, loving, one-on-one relationship with our heavenly Father.

Go back now to my original request for your imagination. I am sitting in my prison cell knowing that the end is near. I am most certainly guilty of the offense I am sentenced to die for and I know I totally deserve what is coming. A guard comes to me and says, “You have a visitor.” But I’m not expecting anyone… my friends have abandoned me and my family is ashamed… who could it be?

To my grand surprise, the president appears right outside my cell. I am shocked because he has sought me out completely on his own. I feel strange to be in his presence, after all he is the president and he is the only one who can save my physical life. He looks directly in my eyes and says, “I know you’re guilty but I found someone who will gladly take the fall for you so if you want, I can set you free right now. What do you say, do you want to live in freedom or would you rather die? ”

Put yourself in those shoes for just moment… what would your answer be? Only an idiot would choose death over freedom… right?

I am in those shoes every single day. I am guilty, every day. I am innately unworthy of redemption and sentenced to death… but…God has sought me out completely on his own. God removed my unworthiness with His grace and His Gift. The life He offers is so much more than any president could ever offer. The life God offers is eternal and filled with blessings I can’t even fathom. And Jesus willingly did the hard part for me… all I have to do is say “Yes, I want to live. I believe. Lord, breathe your life into me!”

Yes, the breath of God is right there as I open the Bible. And God breathed life into his Word when He sent Jesus. It is amazing!!!! With all this on my mind these past few weeks, I found the following text from worship this Sunday quite fitting…

“Without your Word, we were lost and condemned. Without your Word, we were forever separated from you. Without your Word our sin made us unclean and unfit for your holy presence. Now we claim the forgiveness that is ours in Jesus Christ. We praise you for the salvation we have received freely by your grace! We sing of your greatness and power, for you have removed our transgressions!”

Open your Bible and let Him breathe on you… only an idiot would choose death over freedom.

My Experience on "The Journey"

I went to a special event on Good Friday called “The Journey.” It was a self-paced walk through the last days and hours of Jesus. There were 12 different stations… and it was AMAZINGLY touching. I helped put it together, but I wanted to experience it… just like everyone else did. When I embarked on “the Journey” I had no idea how long it would take… 10 minutes? A half hour??? Well, I didn’t keep track of the time but I will say this… I was in there a LONG time yet it felt like a flash. I want to take you on my journey…

Station One: Listening

I entered the room where a television sat spewing a loud, obnoxious static-filled screen. I sat down… and starred at it. My guide booklet told me the world is filled with noise, so I needed to try to drown it out. When I was ready… I turned the television off. I prayed that God would quiet my soul and allow me to absorb the experience. I asked Him to erase my prior knowledge of the set up… so that I could see it with fresh eyes.

(The rest of the stations were dimly lit and very quiet… moving music played in the background that rose and fell with cathartic whispers at just the right time.)

Station Two: Becoming

Jesus was really human. I could hear His heartbeat… I mentally pictured Him as a modern day baby who had His diaper changed by His loving mother. I pictured Him playing with trains or kicking a soccer ball around. It hit me… He was just like me in flesh. He needed to eat to thrive, He felt pain when He fell and scraped His knee on the playground, He dealt with friends who loved Him one minute then stabbed Him in the back the next. He knew all about sibling rivalry and what it was like to have to listen to His mommy and daddy. He knew exactly what I felt like in every stage of my life. I was humbled by what an incredible gift that alone was, that God gave us a Savior that really truly knew us.

Station Three: Worshiping

I dipped a cotton swap in fragrant oil. I don’t know what the smell was, but it was nice. I sat and absorbed the experience, just as the cotton was soaked in the oil. To my great surprise, I began to sob. Why? As I read about how Mary poured out her most prized possession on Jesus’ feet, I realized how selfish I am with what I give Jesus. Lately, I’ve been stingy. Lately, I’ve been blocked. Lately, I’ve felt far away. I apologized to Him… and asked that He enlighten me as to how I can correct this. I told Him I want to give Him my best and stop saving just my scraps for Him. I cried for a long while.

Station Four: Sharing

Communion was offered here. I took it but I have to be honest… I didn’t feel forgiven of my sins in that moment. I know that was self imposed though. When God forgives… he does it fully. When I attempt to do something… it’s never fully. The guide booklet told me about how Jesus chose to be with His disciples in His last evening. It reminded me that I am not alone on my journey, ever. I felt alone though, God seemed far away.

Station Five: Trusting

Jesus went to the garden to pray. He was deeply grieved and asked God if there was any way out of this horrible end… He stopped Himself and said, “No… not what I want… but what You want Father!” Jesus traded His dreams for the dream of His Father. What a sacrifice! His life… for mine. I have a hard time just putting down the M&M bag.

Station Six: Allowing

I felt a rope, a rope that may have been similar to one used to bind Jesus when he was arrested. I imagined Him holding out his hands willingly when it was time. There was no fight… He allowed them to take him. He allowed His future to unfold without pause. There were chairs there… but I went to my knees instead. How many times have I kicked and screamed and fought against what I knew was right? What’s ironic is those things that I went after, the things I fought against my Father to get, were the things that ended up binding me tighter than a rope like that could have ever held me. I’ve used the phrase “freedom through surrender” many times since I have found sobriety, but it was at this station that I realized, Jesus set me free through His surrender.

Station Seven: Humiliating

This grungy, painful station was rough. A slow, old-time, crooked, silent movie of the taunting faces of the guards played over and over. A real crown of thorns was showcased… it was brutal. I thought about my childhood and how I was taunted and teased by my peers. I allowed those memories to come fresh in my mind and I realized they were nothing in comparison to what Jesus endured. In fact, my history of “crap” was a cake walk. My daily aches and pains, my frustrations with the world and the people in it are silly. In fact, I deserve every little bit of it. I deserve worse. I felt my load lighten… I felt I was finally letting the last bit of it go. Jesus endured torture and beating for me, it’s like spitting at him myself when I allow little insignificant things hurt me so deeply… He did that for me so I wouldn’t have to.

Station Eight: Inviting

Here I was invited to be like Simon of Cyrene, and take on the burden of Jesus’ cross for the remainder of His journey to crucifixion. I looked in the giant cross of mirrors and saw my face looking back at me. I didn’t recognize myself… I really didn’t. Who am I? I asked myself if I could have carried the cross for Jesus that day – would I have? I think I would have tried my hardest. I love Jesus, and I am so thankful for what He did for me. I get a chance to carry that burden every day… and I do some of it, and I get too comfortable with what I do thinking that is enough. I think to myself that I do more than the average person so God is proud of me. I am too proud of myself. I can do so much more, so much better. I was reminded that “His yoke is easy and his burden is light” and I asked Him to let me carry more. I realized I am ready for a heavier cross, Lord… I’m stagnant with the one I have. I don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Station Nine: Forgiving

After sitting and contemplating for a long while, I wrote my biggest sin on a piece of paper and I physically nailed my sin to the cross.

Station Ten: Dying

I picked a candle and watched the flame flicker. It dances around illuminating its area with joy. It was alive to me. It was breathing… air, oxygen, carbon dioxide were exchanging glances. My job… no I don’t really want to do this… do I have to? But I don’t want to be responsible for this… I don’t want to face the truth. After some procrastination I went ahead and did it. Using the snuffer… I deprived the flame of what it needed to exist and it died right in front of me. As the smoke lifted from the once-lit wick, I imagined the life and spirit of Jesus floating away… just like that. As much as I don’t like it, I am responsible.

Station Eleven: Closing

I felt pretty strong when I got here. In fact, I sort of felt like I was too strong, like I hadn’t been moved enough by this whole experience. I wondered if there was something wrong with me??? Why hadn’t I been crying like a baby… why hadn’t I been more emotional? I knew there was only one station after this one and I wondered if I was going to miss out on a defining moment??? I was sure this station wasn’t going to do it for me so I felt slightly disappointed in myself. I turned to my guide booklet and began to read. There was a question toward the end… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” I paused. I read it again… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” Tears began to flow from my eyes uncontrollably… “yes… yes I have felt that way. I feel that way right now, God. My faith is at a dead end… why is it not going anywhere??? Why does God feel so far from me???” I cried and cried as I thought this over. It is safe to say… that defining moment I was wondering about… happened.

Station Twelve: Transitioning

The last station was simple, just a place to sit or kneel and contemplate the journey I had just taken. Matthew 16:24 was the first thing written in the guide:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I have to admit, I didn’t really read beyond that because as I read… four words jumped off the page at me. I knelt and repeated them over and over in my mind knowing God was telling me something.

…he must deny himself… he must deny himself… he must deny himself…

The guide booklet said that even though this was the last station, the journey wasn’t really over. Whenever I read something like that, I have to say I am cynical. I was cynical in that moment. I got up and headed out the door to resume my “helping” duties for the night.


So that was Friday night. Saturday was pretty normal. We went to a pancake breakfast and a wonderful Easter egg hunt that managed to make Easter about Jesus and not candy or bunnies or eggs. We had a fabulous time as a family! Later, we did yard work, ate dinner and watched 24 on DVR… normal stuff. All day I sort of had this strange feeling that I was missing something though, I was content but I felt like something was blowing right passed me.

As I got ready for bed I started to go through the journey I had been on Friday night in my head. I thought about the things that had moved me and reached out to me. I realized I still had that feeling of separation from God, and it hurt. I guess that’s one of those things that can be bittersweet. Knowing the joy of what it feels like to be right next to God in nearly all I do, only leaves me painfully longing to have it back when I’m away for too long. Out of nowhere, I recalled something else. A few months ago I did a “bucket list” and posted it as an article. In that, God revealed to me that the manuscript I’ve been writing for Him for over a year now seemed to clearly be the current mission God has for me. In a flash I realized I hadn’t thought about writing or studying on that in a long while. In fact, I somehow had just… abandoned it for a time. Had I REALLY forgotten about it that easily? I had to admit, yes, it had been the farthest thing from my mind. I remembered a distraction that came into my life that aided in my “forgetfulness” of the manuscript but I had gotten rid of that distraction completely… weeks ago. Since then… I have no idea what was keeping me from moving forward. I had a “Duh” moment… Hmmm… I was feeling far away from God… while the farthest thing from my mind was the work He seemed to have charged me to do for Him. Could this be a… coincidence??? I think not. Duh!!!!

I am humbly reminded that one of the initial steps to getting close to God is figuring out what it is He wants me to do. The next logical step after that is to actually do it. I think a lot of us walk through life having no clue what God’s purpose for our life is, but make no mistake… He had a specific purpose in mind when He created every single one of us. If you are wondering what yours could be… the first step is uncovering your God given spiritual gifts. I encourage you to take a class that will help you find out what yours are. If you need help finding resources… talk to your pastor or a leader in your church, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

As for me, it’s time to refocus. It’s time to anoint God with my best perfume instead of the tester tube I got free the last time I walked through JC Penneys. It’s time to deny myself of the things I think are important and pick up that cross… always remembering His burden is light and His yoke is easy. The cool thing for me is that I love to write this manuscript so it’s not like it is even a sacrifice to do what He is asking of me. I’ll bet that when I actually pick up that cross I will find that I will be closer to Him, closer than ever and that is exciting! This cynic recognizes my journey is continuing… and I can’t wait to get started again!

I want to thank Dustin Bauerle not only for incepting this idea at COH but for asking me to be part of it. I'd also like to thank the leadership at Commiunity of Hope FUMC in Mansfield, TX for encouraging events like these. Lives were changed!