Compassion

I don’t think there is a person on the planet who can say they have never been hurt by another person’s action (or lack of action). I also don’t think there is a person on the planet who can say they haven’t struggled with forgiving something that seems nearly unforgivable. This may sound strange, but I consider myself rather lucky to have been given the disease of alcoholism, if for no other reason than it introduced me to the Twelve Steps of life recovery. Staying sober has meant I have had to live my life by these Twelve Steps. Now I gravitate toward the Christian version of the Steps which are called the Eight Principles and are based on the Beatitudes. Principle Six is a doozy… “Evaluate all my relationships. Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I have done to others, except when to do so would harm them or others.” The scriptures that are paired with Principle Six are these: “Happy are the merciful.” Matthew 5:7 and “Happy are the peacemakers.” Matthew 5:9. This same idea is covered by Steps 8, 9 and 10 in secular recovery.

Back when I went through the Steps the first time, there were some people in my life who I didn’t think I could ever forgive. The hurt was too much and their negative impact on my life seemed too great to ever even consider offering them a pardon. But the more I looked at myself and took responsibility for my own actions and decisions in life, the burden of forgiving others seemed to lighten. Still, there were some I just couldn’t imagine ever letting go. The people by my side told me to just have faith that God couldn’t handle it, all I had to do is pray for the willingness to forgive and some day, it would happen. I trusted them because they had what I wanted (sobriety)… and I pressed forward, asking God (many times begrudgingly) for the willingness needed to forgive.

The willingness began to come and like a miracle… I slowly found myself free from resentments because of God’s gift of forgiveness in my heart. But, there was one particular person in my life I was having a really hard time with. He was a past boyfriend who had been extremely abusive emotionally and physically. He had stolen money from me, lied to me, and cheated on me repeatedly. I gave up my college education and family for him to move to Europe and be with him. He was my first experience in dealing with a true alcoholic and I myself had not yet set off my disease. In fact, I didn’t drink much at all back then for fear of his behavior. One of us needed to have our wits about us, and it was usually me. Looking back, so much of that was my decision… I decided to leave everything behind for him, I decided to stay with him after being beaten and discovering his infidelity and lies, I was the one who was so full of pride that I refused to tell anyone, I was the one who was so narcissistic (and codependent) that I believed I could change or “save” him but I was also the one who finally decided to leave him when I had had enough. I am thankful I did, even though it took me well over a year to do it.

Over a year into my sobriety, I was told by my sponsor that I had to work on forgiving… him. Wanting desperately to remain sober, I prayed. I prayed more… and then some more. I had learned from my other acts of forgiveness and amends, timing was everything. And more important than my timing, was God’s timing. One day something deep within my soul made me go out on Facebook and look for him… I wasn’t sure what I would do if I found him, but it was at least a step in the right direction. I didn’t find him, but I found his daughter (she was about 3 or 4 when he and I were together). My heart pounded in my chest as I considered what my next step should be. I waited a few weeks and finally I felt prompted to contact her. I knew she wouldn’t remember me, but I messaged her just asking her if she knew how I could get a hold of her father. I also took that opportunity to apologize to her for my selfish behavior when I was involved with her dad. I was extremely jealous of his relationship with her and felt like perhaps that had made things more difficult than they should have been for them at her young age. She wrote me back a few days later. She was sweet and said that my apology was accepted although she felt unnecessary. She went on to tell me that she had not had contact with her father in over five years. In the years that had passed, he had turned to major drug and alcohol use, was unable to hold a job, was homeless and basically a nomad. She had no idea where he was or when she would hear from him again. She told me she would be happy to pass on a message to him if I wanted her too. I apologized for her pain in dealing with her father and thanked her for getting back to me but just left it at that. No message needed.

In the hours after reading her message, something very strange occurred in my heart. All the hatred I had for this man who had been so horrible to me began to be reshaped. I was overcome with a deep empathy for where he was in his life. My heart ached for him as I looked at my own past and pain and knew exactly what he must have been feeling within himself. I understood the disappointment and self loathing, the endless cycle of wanting to be free and the inability to achieve it, the sense of loss, sadness and anger that addiction manifests within the addicted. I fell to my knees in my living room and began to sob uncontrollably. For the first time in the years since our relationship ended I realized I didn’t hate him… my heart had been overcome with compassion for his plight. I’m not sure how long I cried, but I know it was for awhile. I remember praying for God to find him and heal him the same way God had found and healed me. It was in those moments I felt forgiveness wash over me and in an instant the impossible was complete. It was a true miracle, a gift from God… to this day I have no harsh feeling toward this man. The forgiveness I found through compassion healed my wounds and I have only God to thank for that. Thank you Lord!

But the story doesn’t end there. Something even more amazing happened two or three weeks later. It was a normal day and I was checking my email while drinking my morning coffee. My heart stopped when I saw the name of the sender on one of the messages waiting for me… him. I hadn’t heard from him in over 15 years and I have to say I was scared to open the message and read it. Each time I had heard from him in the past since our relationship ended, it had been threatening in some way. I wondered if I should delete it… but instead, I opened it.

My jaw dropped open as I read his message. He explained that a few weeks earlier he had found himself at rock bottom and with God’s help he entered a 12 step recovery program. He said he was working the steps and it was for this reason he was contacting me. He had Googled me and found my website and got me email address from there. He then apologized for all the things he had ever done to me and humbly asked me for forgiveness. He was Step 9’ing me… “We made direct amends to people we had harmed…” I had done this very same thing to many people but never had anyone done it to me. I thought about the timing of all of it and was brought to tears again. Because of my obedience to continue searching for willingness to forgive him, because of my obedience to the prompting to reach out to his daughter, because of the information she shared with me… God had granted me the compassion I needed only weeks early to be able to completely honestly email him back that very day with these words, “I accept your apology and all is forgiven. In fact I forgave you before you even asked. Good luck in your recovery.” In addition, I wondered if my prayers for God to reach him and intervene might have been a catalyst to him finding recovery only a few weeks later. I’ll never know, but I do know this… prayers work and God can do anything.

Here I am years later, still working on my recovery. It’s kind of like an onion… you peel one layer off only to find another one underneath that needs to be worked on. I’m not sure how many layers I have peeled so far (at least 3), but I know this… there will be another one when I’m done working on the one I’m on now. Recovery is a life journey that is for anyone, not just the addicted.  It has helped me be shaped into a more Christ like being.

My current layer is very private and I have to say has been my most difficult to date, sexual repression. There are many times I don’t even want to work on it, but God tells me there are lies buried deep within my soul that need to be brought into the Truth and Light. He tells me not to be afraid and I am trying to be obedient to His promptings… and last night I had a very similar experience to the one I just wrote about.

Last night I wrote a letter to a guy whose carelessness with me caused me a lot of pain which then set in motion a path for me that eventually turned into my current state of repression. Of course I recognize I have fault and blame in the situation too, so I’m not just pointing the finger at him (there are certainly three pointing back at me). I wrote the letter not knowing if I would actually send it. I wrote it because I felt like God told me to. When I was done, I felt some freedom. I decided to look this guy up online and see if I could find him. He wasn’t on Facebook or Myspace. He wasn’t listed anywhere I could find but something inside me told me to keep looking. Somehow I managed to get just the right keywords on Google and finally find something about him. What I found shocked me… and it wasn’t pretty. It was the type of thing that brought me to an understanding and empathy of his own situation in life. It brought me to compassion, and from my experience… full forgiveness is not far behind.

I’ll finish up by saying this, there are a few people in my life I have not allowed myself to be angry at. I suppose I have thought it wasn’t appropriate for me to be upset with them so I have not allowed myself to feel ugly feelings toward them. When I have been angry, I have ended up feeling guilty for that anger and the guilt then makes me shut the anger out and tell myself “I forgive them… its okay.” But I have learned recently that this approach doesn’t work for me. I have learned that it is okay for me to be angry or upset with anyone who hurts me, no matter who they are. I feel it is important to let others be who they are, but at the same time, I need to let me be who I am too – as long as it doesn’t lead to sin. I decided a few months ago that I was finally going to let myself be truly angry at a person I have never allowed myself to be angry at before. But I did this with a condition… that I would not do so with the intent of staying angry forever. I would do it with the purpose of finding freedom through the anger with God's help. After several weeks of anger, I began to pray for God to help me forgive. I even asked some other people in my life to pray for God to help me find the willingness to forgive… and what has happened since has been nothing short of the hand of God answering prayers. Answers have come to things I didn’t realize, understanding has been presented to me by pure “accident”, my heart has softened and the door of forgiveness has begun to open. I am so very thankful and again in awe of God’s wonder. One thing is for certain, forgiveness is a process. Sometimes it takes longer than others but it always begins with one thing... finding the willingness to try. If God can forgive me for all my crap, then who am I not to forgive others… no matter how heinous the offense.

Expectant Tears

In Pompeii back in 63 BC, the people were eagerly awaiting the arrival of the great Christ. They were excited at what His arrival would mean. Based on the greatness of King David, who if you will recall was an amazing warrior; a grand man of faith with a presence that could not be ignored, they awaiting the King of Kings expecting Him to be very similar, but bigger and grander by far. They waited and waited faithfully for a grand warrior, a man of prestige and obvious honor to come and say “I am He! Follow me!”

With all their faith and all their waiting… can you believe they missed it??? When it finally happened and Jesus was born, they didn’t believe that He could possibly be the Christ. You see, He did not fulfill the popular expectation of the Messiah at all. He was humble not boastful. He was a servant to others not bossy at all. On the outside, He was a man of few means, not a man of extravagant wealth. He was a lover and not a fighter. Nope, this wasn’t the Christ they expected at all and as a result of their incorrect expectation… they missed it completely.

I have often asked myself how I will know when Jesus returns. I wonder if I will accidentally miss it or not believe when the time comes. But then I realize I am fortunate to have the Bible to direct me and assure me that I will not miss it. It's very clear in there, there will be no way for me to miss it… and I have to be honest… I can’t wait!

I think we as people walk around with all sorts of expectations and we don’t even realize it. For example, if you’re in a really good mood, you might choose to say hi to a stranger at the store. But just because you said hi doesn’t mean they are going to say hi back. In fact, they might even give you the finger depending on what kind of mood they are in. It's amazing how quickly your good mood turns sour when you do something nice (like saying hi) and the same niceness isn’t reciprocated. Why is that? It's because we have the expectation that just because we offer ourselves in kindness, that others should do the same. We expect to be respected… and in our selfishness, we also somehow think everything is about us. If someone doesn’t say hi, it’s taken very personally and we wonder what we did wrong.

I have gotten better at not over-expecting or under-expecting (which is just as dangerous) but I still have a lot to learn. One of the ways I practice having a zero expectation walk of life is to say hi to everyone I come across… say hi and expect nothing in return. It’s a very small gesture but has helped me a lot. Some people smile at me, some people growl at me, some people look at me like I’m a weirdo and some people just jump right into a lovely conversation. No matter what happens though, I know I am doing it because I want to. I am doing it because it’s a little way I can shine a tiny glimmer of Jesus into other people’s world. They don’t have to accept it… that is their choice. And… if they don’t, I know it’s not my fault at all. I never know what someone else’s battle may be, but it surely is not about me saying hi to them.

Recently I’ve had some expectations dashed… and it has really hurt. I do a lot of work with people in recovery and it gets messy sometimes. One of my expectations in this area is that people who come to me for help, really honestly want help. That seems like a reasonable expectation, right? Well, I think I’ve learned that having a zero expectation policy here is much healthier because in reality… some of the people who ask for help are only doing it because they know they are supposed to want help while in reality… they are not fully ready or willing to make changes. Another expectation I realize I must change is the belief that the people I work with in recovery will respect our relationship enough not to turn on me and blame me for things I had nothing to do with. My partner in recovery leadership told me that this is pretty normal stuff… that hurt people, hurt people… and they lie and make stuff up to cover their own butts. They need someone to blame for their failures or incorrect behavior and the one who was trying to help, the one who knows the truth is usually the easiest target. I know he is right, and I know I’ll get better at this as I adjust my expectations and tighten up my boundaries when working with new people, but I have to admit… it is scary to throw my trust out at people who I know might screw me over because they are not ready. In the last month, this has been so real and scary to me that I have deeply considered walking away from my God given purpose of helping others in need of recovery.

I’m not going to quit though, God has assured me this is spiritual warfare. The devil doesn’t want me to to continue because through me following God’s will, the devil will lose some very faithful followers. My head knows I can’t quit and that I won’t quit… but my heart questions whether I can handle the pain. Can I really keep trusting the untrustworthy hoping they will see that God hasn’t given up on them, while taking the chance they will turn around and pierce another piece of my heart? Can I do it?

I ask, what would Jesus do? Would He turn away from what God has asked Him to do just because He was scared of being hurt? If you recall the night He was arrested, He went to His Father in prayer and asked Him if there was any other way… He said, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” (Mark 14:34) Then He said, “Abba, Father, everything is possible for you...Yet not what I will, but what you want.” (Mark 14:36). He went on from there to suffer a torturous, painful, horrible death… for all of us. For… me. Jesus didn't turn away from what God wanted of Him, and He knew it was gonna hurt real bad.

A wise friend of mine told me that in the end, all we have is trust. If we let this cynical world steal our trust from us, we are only punishing ourselves (thank you wise friend). Of course, trust should be used with intelligence, with expectations in check and proper boundaries in place. And then comes faith… faith in a God who is bigger than all of it.

Yesterday, my heart was heavy with grief and I had been crying most the day. God felt really far away and I was questioning what He wanted from me. It hasn’t been my best week. I had to put my dog to sleep, both of our cars broke down, ridiculous untrue accusations coupled with unkind emails, difficult personal boundary adjustments, and to top it off… my grandmother died. Having a heavy heart… well that doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings at the time. But I had a party I needed to go to for Celebrate Recovery and I decided to try and do my best with what was ahead of me. I was in the car trying to merge onto the highway and for some reason, no one would let me into traffic. It was tricky and for the first time in a long time I really struggled to get in the lane I needed to be in on the road. Finally I was there and took a deep breath. I looked ahead to the car in front of me and the plate said, “PVB 123” I wondered if God was speaking to me… had the cars not let me in because God needed me to make my way behind this particular car? God-incidence??? I called my husband and asked him to read Proverbs 1:23 to me and here is what it said, “Listen to my strong words! See, I will pour out my spirit on you. I will make my words known to you.” I was in awe… God was there… He was going to take good care of me and I needed to just relax and let Him show me His will… it would come.

I have felt a little more at ease with God’s presence since then, but still very troubled about having been accused unkindly of something untrue while trying to help someone in recovery and I've chosen not to stand up for myself because I hold others anonymity very highly. It just hurt my heart. This morning at breakfast my husband suggested maybe I needed to read the license plate a little differently… Proverbs 12:3. I looked it up and here is what it said, “A man will not stand by doing what is wrong, but the root of those who are right with God will never be moved.” The weight on my shoulders began to lift and by the time we returned from church... I was finally at peace.

Knowing Proverbs 1:23 and Proverbs 12:3 is out there and that they are the word of God written for me, I can say loudly, “Yes Lord, I can do what You ask of me, whatever it is!” And with the help of a few really good real friends, my sponsor and an a-number-one Christian therapist, I will get better at balancing the proper expectations and boundaries that are so needed in what I was made for. Hey devil… you can expect to see me keep on going! And I expect that my heart will ache from time to time... but the joy in the end will be worth every single expectant tear. I'm not going to miss out on my calling or my relationship with Christ just because it's not quite what I expected.

Chat

I learned a valuable lesson last night, one that I hope I won’t soon forget. I had a “date” to chat with a friend of mine. I had been looking forward to it all day and was excited when it was time. Unfortunately, another circumstance arose and when it was time for us to get together, we didn’t. I was bummed. First I must say, I don’t deal with changes in plan very well to begin with, but add on some extra sensitivity and wow… I got some very silly hurt feelings. I felt let down and disappointed. I felt unimportant and silly… I felt sad. My heart kinda did this achy thing it hasn’t done in a long time and at that point I thought it was really strange for me to be so hurt over something so simple. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep but couldn’t. I started talking to God and asked Him what my deal was… why was I so hurt over something so simple and ridiculous? And that was when He showed me something that made me understand Him just a little bit more.

I love my friend… but she owes me absolutely nothing. We are friends to the end… and I’d do anything for her. My friendship with her is based on nothing other than kindness and respect and love. Our plans to chat didn’t work out, for a reason I understood and support but it still hurt.

I love God… and I owe Him everything. He never leaves my side. He created me, He gave me everything I have, He has saved me from so many terrible things and I am sure there are more to come. He forgives me every time I ask. He holds a special place for me in His kingdom. He calls me daughter. He sends His Spirit to me often to guide me and tell me things. He gave me His only Son with no strings attached. My plans to chat with Him change all the time and usually for reasons that escape any understanding (messing around on Facebook or watching re-runs of Seinfeld).

So… how much more does it hurt God when my plans to chat with Him “don’t work out” because I decide to go watch television or take a nap. How much more than my little heartache does it pain God when I consciously choose something else instead of time with Him? After all, He created me… and I owe everything I am to Him.

Tears came to my eyes when I really thought about this. But not in a beat-myself-up-forever, I’m-such-a-terrible-awful-person, how-could-You-love-me kind of way. It was more of a thank-You-for-showing-me-that-I-need-to-do-better, thank-You-for-Your-grace kind of way. I am truly humbled today… and so very thankful to my friend for this lesson she helped me learn, even though she has no clue. Thank you.