Blessed & Cursed

If anyone ever tells you that doing God's will is easy, they are lying! Following what God says is often not only difficult but also inconvenient. That's not to say God is difficult or inconvenient, He's not. On the contrary, I have found Him to be quite easy and readily available. More so than any person I have ever met. And it is those characteristics that drive me to lean into the difficult and often inconvenient tasks He tosses at me.

I'm blessed in many ways, but I want to talk about one in particular. God has gifted me with a knowing that I have honed through the years. No, I'm not psychic and I'm not always great at discernment but what I am good at is hearing Him when He speaks to me. Hearing really isn't the right word though. It's not audible...it's more an impression that is placed in my mind. An instinct. I consider it a huge blessing because to me, what it means is God and I are in close contact. I can not think of a better being to be connected to so to have such closeness leaves me in awe daily. When it hits me, it's usually a connection to something or someone that requires careful attention to perceive. Sometimes I ignore it, yep. I do. But the thing about God is that if it is His will He will bring it back to me multiple times, as many times as necessary until I can not deny His movement in the matter. It has happened time and time again so you'd think I'd have learned to just be obedient right away. Ha! Maybe someday.

Unfortunately, with the blessing of His contact comes what feels like a curse at times. A feeling of craziness. An awkward walk that requires blind faith and trust that is challenging to follow in this world of science, fact, and 'do it yourself' mentality. Many times the actions He requests defy reason, or at least earthy reason. Many times, they require oddness and a general lack of concern over what other people think. This is the curse of it, especially to a person like me who struggles with confusing self-esteem with what other's think of me.

I liken it to Noah, the man who built an ark for God. Everyone thought he was crazy and I bet he felt crazy more than once as he followed God's instructions. I bet his heart was hurt by the passers by and scoffers, many of them who believed in the same Lord. I bet he had anger over being chosen, "Why me? Why me?"

I took a little hiatus from writing to take care of some very important personal matters that needed to be addressed and worked on. When the time was right, I took a seat at the computer to continue my career, ready to take on whatever project God had for me.

Blank.

Having writer's block is nothing new. I've learned to just walk away and give it time so I did just that. Again, when the time seemed right, I sat back down in front of the screen.

Blank.

Sigh. This went on for several months. I began to focus on my other job, I'm a transcriptionist, so at least I was being productive and making some money. Election day came and I awoke with an ominous feeling. I had a level of anxiety that was abnormal for me which to me was odd. This passed election was by means fun, but it wasn't anything to have THAT level of anxiety over. I found myself close to tears many times that day but just blew it off the best I could.

Soon after, a barrage of very similar incidents began to rain down on me. It was uncanny how many people came to me in a matter of only two weeks wanting to discuss the same subject: depression and suicide. It's a subject I know a lot about having struggled with suicidal ideation most of my life. I'm open about my relationship with depression and I believe that is why nearly a dozen people reached out to me asking for information on how to see it clearly, how to help a loved one, and two people I love dearly were in the midst of helping a loved one come back from an actual suicide attempt. I knew, this was no coincidence. This was a God-incidence.

I sat wonder if perhaps God was calling me to cease my writing career for the purpose of focusing on the lifting up of those who suffer with the debilitating mental problem of real depression. It made my heart sink to think He might be asking me to stop doing something I love (writing) to go and do something so people-centric. It's NOT what I wanted and I stomped my feet like a five year old a few times as I attempted to submit myself to His will.

Shortly before Thanksgiving, God put something in front of me that gave me great anxiety and sadness, much like I felt on Election day. It weighed on me for three days and I knew it was important but didn't know why. But then Thanksgiving hit and I became distracted.

A few days later, God put this VERY SAME thing in front of me in a DIFFERENT location and the same anxiety hit me. I knew instantly, God was calling me to listen. He was calling me to take action yet I had NO CLUE what action to take but I nodded my head and said, "Tell me what to do."

I spent the next two days crying as though someone had drowned my dearly beloved puppy right before my eyes. I was seriously mourning the loss of something I never had. Actually, I was mourning the loss of a "could-have", possibly "should-have" had. I knew I needed to to do something to easy the pain I felt and while I wish I could tell you the specifics and not be so ambiguous, I can't, so bear with me. What I can tell you is, I felt a little crazy and that crazy feeling made me scared to tell anyone what was happening within me.

I wrote my feelings in a letter with a plan to send it out into the universe and I knew exactly where I needed to go to release it. On the way there, I called two different friends I trust with my life and told them of my craziness. Both had compassion and understanding of what I was doing and were supportive, despite what I expressed as "sounding nuts." I knew exactly what to do to put this whole thing to rest and stick an "I'm done" flag in it.

Things did not go as planned though. What I desperately wanted to do was not safely possible so I sat in my car wondering what plan B was going to be. In the silence, God guided me someplace different and I followed obediently. Once there, His impression was clear...

LOOK!

"I am. I don't see anything."

LOOK CLOSER!

I widened my view of the world taking in every detail, as well as the big picture all at once. My heart skipped a beat when my eyes fastened to the very thing I was led by God to see. In disbelief at what I was seeing, I knew this little crazy trip of mine was not going to be a finale. No, it was only the beginning and I was about to have to become Noah.

Tenaciousness nearing obsession overcame me as I began to dive deeper into a mystery. God impressed, I listened and moved. Crazy, nuts, filled with compassion and God's agape love (crazy, nuts, and agape all fit together perfectly) I went where he lead, said what He asked, and watched a mystery begin to make perfect sense to me.

One morning, I was making breakfast and fell into the sweetest daydream, a wishful-thinking best-case-scenario ending to all of these events and I beamed inside at the simple thought of this possibility. But my smile was stolen by reality quickly as I spoke audibly,

"Who am I kidding? That's NOT going to happen!"

Quickly God impressed upon me something amazing and I spoke aloud again,

"But I could write a book about that!"

My smile returned instantly as I realized, God wasn't done with my writing career at all. In fact, what He wanted from me was a combination of the two things I thought I was going to have to choose between. Well, how about that. God sure is smart! In addition, just two days ago I was asked to be part of a start up Christian ministry that will provide support for depression. I feel very honored and I accepted.

That is how the idea for my current work in progress arrived. Depression, suicide, mystery, and the perfect daydream filled with enough hope to give any reader a chance to embrace compassion, understanding, and love. The story will be about two characters who struggle with depression, each handling it in a different way. Their lives will intersect and through their interactions, the reader can receive many messages. The depressed will learn that they are not alone in their struggle, that there is a way out, coping skills, and hopefully they will see pure hope despite their condition. The people who don't understand depression will become educated about what it really is and realize that it isn't as simple as changing your attitude or chosing to "let it go". In addition, they will learn hoe to see it, how to really notice it, and how to respond. Finally, the world at large will hopefully get a very important message about compassion and the importance of it in our everyday lives.

There is more to the mystery and my Noah-like actions that followed which have led to some good ole' hurt by passers by and scoffers (many of them who believed in the same Lord), as well as anger over being chosen, "Why me, Lord?". I have been attacked over this, I've been called horrible names, and I've been frightened but make no mistake, I will follow as long as He leads. I now fully understand exactly why I felt such dread on Election Day and believe me, it had nothing to do with the actual election. I now understand why God gave me so many emotions over a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with me, and I now understand that the persecution I face is just beginning. But here's the thing about God, He doesn't lead us then leave us when the going gets tough. No, He brought me this far and my obedience to the craziness has led to my current circumstances. I know without doubt He is holding me in the palm of His hand and He's got this! 100% got this. Whether it ends well or not, whether it causes tears or smiles (most likely both), whether it makes me look insane or simply like a person who cares- He's got it under control and I trust Him. I trust Him 100%, good, bad and ugly. He WILL and trust me, already has, made GOOD from a very sad and bad situation.

So, I here i am moving forward with my task feeling both blessed and cursed and I can honestly say, I wouldn't change a thing. Have an amazing day!

Affair Math

I've been doing a lot of research lately on affairs as I am writing about the aftermath of an affair. It has been very interesting to say the least. Part of what has been interesting is the assumption I have found in certain people that all people who have affairs are innately evil and for some reason should have to pay for their sin for the rest of their lives. Hmm, I thought Jesus died for everyone and every sin... oh yes, He did. And thankfully, He even died for the sin of judgment.

I have found there to be two very clear types of people who have affairs. There may be more but these are the two that have clearly formed in my mind:

1 : A lying jerk/jerkette who is only out to get something extra on the side. He or she have very little shame or guilt and don't care who they hurt to get what they want. They tell extravagant lies and know how to sneak around very well.

-and-

2 : A regular ole guy or gal who 'falls' into circumstances that lead to the mistake of a bad decision. These people usually look themselves in the mirror at some point and say, "What am I doing? This is not who I am!"


Check out my assessment of affair math:

The most common affair is 1 + 2 = 0

This affair ends with a lot of anger on 2's side who will normally tell the story as though they are a complete victim and were bamboozled into the relationship, however, 2 is likely not to repeat an affair. And lets face it, they are no victim, if they willingly went into an affair, they should readily accept the outcome. A 1 usually repeats affair behavior multiple times leaving a trail of 2s in the wake all pointing at the 1 like they are a monster. I can't tell you how many of these people I have spoken to in my research.

Sometimes the affair is 1 + 1 = 0

These affairs usually remain very secret and don't have nasty feeling attached to them once they are over. They normally do not develop into real relationships because the people involved aren't interested in a relationship. They are what they are and both 1s get it (literally).

And then there is 2 + 2 = ?

This type of affair usually begins for one reason... one or both of the people have mistakenly married a person they should not have married a.k.a. not a person God had originally planned for them to be with. Why? Well, they got married without considering God's answer to "Is this the person I should marry?" either because they didn't ask it, they didn't have a relationship with God at that time, or maybe they asked it, got the answer and just misunderstood OR did what they wanted to do thinking they knew better than God. Basically, this marriage was a mistake, one they have to live with forever and ever. These types of marriages CAN last and work fine (if both people WANT it to), however, when a 2 who has mistakenly married the wrong match, accidentally meets the right match ... temptation is a beast. The 2 + 2 affair is a mistake on top of a marriage mistake. A 2 + 2 affair didn't have to be an affair, but our sin nature wins many times creating bad decisions. Had all the people involved just communicated better, the original marriage could possibly survive or break apart as amicably as possible without an affair.

Next...

The Old Testament law states the only acceptable reason for divorce is infidelity.
The New Testament tells us that the old is to be replaced with the new command: Love. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be with us and He will guide us in all matters, if we allow Him.

We are all flawed and we make mistakes everyday, some are little and some are lasting. Marrying the wrong person, a person God knows is not suited to us is a mistake and I believe it is not a mistake we should feel forced to live with everyday of our lives is it truly was an error. I think we have a responsibility to do everything we can to make a marriage work, which means communicate openly about needs and wants, give and take as necessary, pray for God's healing if there is trouble, and more than anything - ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in every step. If you do what is pleasing to the Lord in all the ways you can and the Spirit guides you to divorce... then who am I to argue? Who am I to judge you decision? No one. I'm not privy to your conversations with God.

No, the Lord will never lead you to an affair and tell you it's okay... NO WAY... but when a person has made a mistake in choosing their spouse, He will guide us on how to proceed. If you listen, if you're obedient, and faithful to His will... you can't go wrong... even if His will is to divorce. Yes, I just said sometimes God will lead you to divorce but He will never do it flippantly. I believe that. Anyone who says  God would NEVER approve of divorce is completely forgetting about the New Testament and it's purpose and is solely basing their belief on the Old Law.

I am in NO WAY saying an affair is okay or right. It's not. At all. What I am saying is the reality of the world is that it happens, even to good and decent people who make mistakes. Jesus wants us to love the sinner and hate the sin. I believe people who marry the wrong person and just can't make it work deserve happiness too. A mistake marriage followed by a mistake affair can be salvaged - but it takes work, very specific work and instead of ignoring, judging it, and wishing failure upon it... I want to do my part to talk about what can be done to keep people from making the same mistakes over and over again. There is no need for a second divorce - or a third or fourth... why not live and learn?

Yes, I know I'm going to get a lot of grief on this topic, but I'm writing this book anyway.

Prunings: Hard Cuts (Book IV in the Fruit of the Vine Series)

It will hopefully be available in October 2016 and it is all about making a divorcee's second marriage (a relationship that began in an affair) redeemable and pleasing to the Lord. Yep! I believe even affair havers are redeemable.

If you are a 2 and you would be willing to share some of your experience with me, I would love to hear from you. Head over to my Facebook page and send me a private message. I promise anything we discuss will remain completely private. I am looking to talk to people who have been in the 2 + 2 = ? situation.  Thank you very much!  www.facebook.com/wendy.oleston

FAIR WARNING... since this is a touchy subject, be careful what you say to me about it. You might find your comments on my OTHER blog... Hate Mail From Christians.

Random Girl

Want to know some random stuff about me? Well... if so, here ya go! I used this info for some contests I did and thought I would just put it out here on my blog too. I'm just a girl with a lot of baggage... but God loves me anyway! Enjoy getting to know me!

*****

I was born and raised in Martinsville, VA. I moved to Delaware in my teens and lived there until I moved to Germany to follow love (stupid, stupid girl). I returned to Delaware several years later where I later met my husband. We moved to Texas with a job transfer in 2003. In 2010, we moved to Wisconsin to be closer to my husband’s family.

*****

I was a HORRIBLE student! HORRIBLE, especially in English. I always thought I was stupid because no matter how hard I studied, I could only manage C’s and D’s. It wasn’t until my early 30’s when I was diagnosed with severe ADHD that I realized… I’m not stupid… I just have the attention span of a mentally challenged flea. In addition, I have an auditory processing disorder I was unaware of. Basically, when I hear words, my brain takes a very long time to process them. Sometimes as long as an hour or two. Imagine trying to listen in class LOL! Even on medication, I still struggle with these issues. It is not rare for me to stare blankly at my husband as he speaks then twenty minutes later shout excitedly from another room…. “Oh...I know what you said now!”

*****

When I was 10 years old, I was hit by a car head-on while riding my bike. I sustained major facial injuries including my face being ripped apart requiring over 100 stitches and my jaw being broken in five places. To top it off, I landed in a patch of poison ivy. Yeah, that was a bad day. In the years following the accident, I had many plastic surgeries to correct the damage to my face. As a child I misunderstood my parent’s motivations for all the plastic surgeries thinking they were embarrassed of the way I looked when in reality, my entire family sacrificed a lot to make those surgeries happen (all but the first were considered optional). They went forward with surgery after surgery so I could have as normal of a life as possible. For this reason, I encourage you to have open discussions with your children about things like this. Something that seems logical to you may not be seen the same way through the eyes of a child. Today I am so thankful for that sacrifice! The scars are barely noticeable to most everyone but me :)

*****

When I was a teen, I don’t know why but I had a feeling I was not going to live long enough to graduate from high school. The day of my graduation was a big deal to me because of that. Later in life I decided I was never going to get married, have children, or live anywhere cold again. After dating several men with alcohol and drug problems, I swore I would never be like them. Ironically, I am a recovering alcoholic who currently lives in Wisconsin with my husband and kids. After having a horrible pregnancy with my son, I swore I would NEVER have another child… ever. So when I found out I was pregnant at 40 with my next child, I gave God a dirty look and said, “Fine… but if I HAVE to do this, You will give me another boy!” A few weeks later we found out it was a girl. *sigh* (you can laugh… it’s funny). It seems whenever I put a “never” in place, God needs to show me who is REALLY in charge. A year ago, I was watching House Hunters International and they were doing a show in India. I looked at my husband and said, “I will NEVER live in India!” Quickly I rephrased, “I mean, I really don’t ever want to live in India… please.” Yeah… ‘never’ is a bad word in my world!

*****

I am a very proud recovering alcoholic! I was a functioning alcoholic beginning around the age of 23 and had no idea I had an issue. I thought everyone drank the way I did; early in the morning, all night, never getting enough, never having a hang-over, and always in fear of the bottom of the bottle. I hit rock bottom and got sober in 2007 and will be celebrating my 9th year of sobriety on February 27th this year. My book “As Is” is a fictionalized account of my life as an alcoholic and how I found recovery. I am always willing to discuss this part of my life and process to healing so if you have any questions - please… I’m an open book.

*****

I struggle with a few mental  disorders - chronic depression, bipolar disorder, and an undefined chemical imbalance which was caused by a medical mistake (I used to have a lot of anger over this doctor’s error in treating me but I have since worked through it, thankfully). I take medication that helps me have a relatively normal life but even on meds I have “episodes” that can not be stopped. I am open about these things for the purpose of educating others to show mental illness is not something you have to be afraid of. If you ever have any questions about mental illness, I’m more than happy to chat!

*****

I have been in six car accidents, 3 were totally my fault and 3 were someone else’s fault. My adhd medication helps me be a more attentive driver but I have to make the choice to pay attention, and sometimes I forget. My cell phone is very distracting to me when I drive so I have begun to turn the ringer off and put it at the bottom of my purse when I am at the wheel.

*****

I once lived in a house built in 1802. It was haunted but not in a scary way. The ghost was a little boy who enjoyed my toy collection and would move things around. I also started collecting Pez dispensers at the age of 21. I have over 800 now. Another thing I collect is Lego houses. My daughter recently got into my Lego collection and took them all apart, mixing up all the pieces of each set. It took me DAYS to fix. I am a child at heart, I believe because my childhood was a bit non-typical as a result of the accident. I wasn’t able to be “playful” back then… so I am now.

*****

My first real job was in high school. I was a cashier at a CVS in the local mall. During college, I had a summer job as a valet at the local horse race. I was a nanny for an American military family while I lived in Germany (that was a total blessing). When I returned to the United States, I got a job as a legal document analyst for Ernst & Young which led to a job as a payroll accountant at a local CPA firm. I worked my way up the corporate ladder becoming a payroll tax accountant, then payroll tax manager at 7 Eleven Corp. When I got pregnant with my son, I decided to be a stay-home mom which I thought was going to be easy… LOL… it was actually the hardest job I’ve ever done. When my son started school, I began working for myself as a digital designer which I still do on the side a little bit. My official jump into being a full-time indie author was in January 2014. I became a full-time author with a publisher (Maven Christian) in October 2015. 30 Below is our first official release together as a team!

*****

I had decided to stop looking for a man after dating someone I really liked a lot and having him confess he was still in love with his ex. But God had a different idea… Ryan was put before my eyes in March 2001, only a two months after my break up and to be honest, I wasn’t all that interested at first. I was gun-shy and Ryan was the total opposite of every guy I had ever really cared about… blonde, blue-eyed, and quiet - I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. It occurred to me that all my other relationships hadn’t worked out… so why not try the opposite? We began dating and fell in love rather quickly. He was the first guy to stand up to me when I got a little nuts (pre-diagnosis) and I found that sexy. He was also the only guy I ever dated who had extraordinary patience… and he liked my annoying dog. He has always treated me with kindness and respect, even when I don’t deserve it. We got engaged in Oct 2002 and were married fairly quickly in May 2003. Our son, Brett, was born in 2005… then our surprise daughter was born in 2012. Yeah… we’re gonna be like 80 when she graduates from college - haha.

*****

I am blessed to have several really good friends who I know are the real deal. Some of them are even just Facebook friends I have never met in person like Sara Preston and Lisa Angel Miller. A few of them are people I have met here on FB but have also met in person like Virginia Johnson and Nicole Stromath. I have a few from my adolescence that have known me through all my life changes and still love me anyway, like Jennifer Carlson and Stephanie Lorenzana. I have a couple here in the town I currently reside in who I have come to rely on often, like Britta Brossard and Stacie Houge. All of these women are AMAZING - true friends who I know I can count on even at 3 in the morning (and hopefully they feel that is mutual). To say I’m blessed in the friend department is an understatement because, let me tell you, it took me years to figure out what makes a real friendship really work. Time. Yep, that’s what it takes. Time, patience, and awareness. People show me who they are naturally through their actions (and I show them the same in return)… all I have to do is pay attention. My BESTEST friend in the world (not counting my husband) is actually a guy... his name is Garry and we have been through many things together. I love him to pieces… but he is an ass. Maybe that’s why we get along so well. I might be one too. :)

*****

I am ‘officially’ a Lutheran. Born into a Lutheran family but as a child, I never understood what that meant. Lutheran was just a word to me that didn’t mean much. I attended a Baptist church in college and was interested in LDS at one point due to their clean lifestyle. As an adult, I began attending a Methodist church which I enjoyed greatly, so much that I joined a very intense Bible study where we read the entire Bible in six months. It was then I began to realize… I’m not Lutheran or Baptist or LDS or Methodist… I’m a Christian. While I do currently attend a Lutheran church, I am often extremely frustrated by denomination politics. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone… no matter who they are, no matter what they believe, and no matter how flawed they are. Communion is for all believers, and can even be the catalyst to bring a non-believer into the fold so I believe withholding it from people for denominational reasons is a huge mistake. Baptism… infant vs adult? Who knows? Jesus was an adult when He was baptized, yet He baptized children… I dunno!  I say talk it out with God and go with what He says to you personally, not what a particular church says. I could care less about the minutiae. I was once called a “whore” by someone who claimed to be religious and was upset with me about writing an affair in a book. Really? God is against adultery but it’s okay for you to call me a whore? Whatever.

*****

My first book DESCO came from a dream - it was an awful book and I took it out of circulation! All the rest of my books have been created from a mix of my life experiences, knowledge of the Bible, and my imagination… although God seems to just give me words and rarely do I know where they are coming from. It has to be Him.

AS IS is based on my experience as an alcoholic.

I based my main character in 30 BELOW on myself as a person with mental illness & wrote the book because I don’t think sex is discussed enough properly. I have struggled with sexual dysfunction most of my life and I wanted to show my readers why it’s important to do things in a certain order… to protect your heart.

My book ABOVE 60 was written in response to God deciding I needed a second child when I didn’t want one. Nope… didn’t want one at all! But He knew the plan. I’m just along for the ride. In addition, I wanted to give the reader an example of a truly magical intimate marriage and how beautiful sex can be.

My book 360 DEGREES was written because marriage is hard! I know first hand that sometimes you have to CHOOSE to love instead of quit. Pushing past the bad leads to the better.

My short story LITTLE BLACK DRESS which is included in the book BIRDS OF PASSAGE is based on my own personal experience of losing my virginity and the impact that decision had on my life.

SEEDS… is loosely based on the parable of the Seeds and the Sower from the Bible, I was also in a serious relationship with a porn and sex addict. I feel sexual sin in society needs to be discussed and stop being ignored. It’s only getting worse.

CONCEPTIONS… my next new release, was written to share my personal experiences with unplanned pregnancy and the effects of the decisions made. It is my hope that women who are faced with this, as well as women who have already gone through it can find hope and healing through my book.

The Crack

I'm a writer of Christian fiction... but not your average CF. No, my stories include sex, language, and real life situations that are relevant to today's world. The reason it is Christian is because I allow my characters to work through these issues in a Christian (or what I consider simply moral) manner as an example to society. I do this without shoving God at anyone. I feel I base the responses of my characters on basic morals... which in my life just so happen to be Christian.

I was picked up by a publisher called Maven Christian at the end of 2015. Since then we have been working hard at setting the groundwork for re-releasing all of my books and getting some new ones out there. I feel so blessed to be backed by people who are on the same page with me... they get what I'm doing and they support it full-force. Sex and all! It's amazing!

I've been pouring hours into a project lately that has been a lot of fun. I am doing something that to my knowledge has not been done before. My book 30 Below is going to be re-released soon and it will be perma-free for Kindle users. My project is that I am reading my book in a YouTube series - for free. This means that anyone with a computer can listen to my book - for free. Instead of it being an audio-book that is purchased, it is a streaming feed - for free - and you get the bonus of seeing my beautiful face and hearing my calm soothing voice (*cough* *cough*). I'm super excited about releasing these but they will have to wait for the official re-release of the book.

I've been loading the episodes on YouTube as private (so no one can see them yet) as I get them finished. I am up to episode 10 which is about 35% of the book. With the commentary I add at the end of each episode, the listening time is about 5 hours. When you add in the editing and grunt work of creating the video I'd say I have put an additional 90 minutes into it. Everything was going fine until the other day when I got a notice from YouTube stating they removed one of my episodes for inappropriate content. I was FLOORED. I went back and reviewed the episode to try and determine what was inappropriate about it. Yes, the book contains sex, it is ABOUT sex... love and sex and why God wants us to wait for marriage... but that particular section didn't have any sex in it. It had implied sex and the worst words were "wet" and "gratifying". I appealed the removal with the promise that all my videos would be marked as age-restricted and to my pleasure, they re-instated the video. Phew.

Today I put two new episodes up on YouTube and soon after, I received another notice from YouTube saying they removed another episode for inappropriate content. I marked is as age-restricted when I loaded it - so that wasn't it. So I went back and reviewed the episode. There was no sex or even implied sex, nothing that would be considered racy or wrong in any way. There weren't even any curse words. I don't get it! The things that are on television every night are far worse than my story. I seriously... am at a loss.

This was my second take-down so I received 1 strike against my account. If I get more, they can remove my channel from YouTube then all the work I have done is for nothing. I am trying to put some hope back into society - to help reinstate some morals that have been missing in our entertainment for far too long. It's like societies good sense and moral decency has gotten cracked so badly that we don't even distinguish right from wrong anymore. I wonder, does YouTube have something against morals? Do they enjoy making the crack bigger? Maybe they only want to put things out that are sure to make the crack bigger?

Here's the thing that KILLS me... as a writer of my type of Christian fiction I fall INTO this wonderful crack. On one side of the crevice are the hard core Christians who hate what I am doing and call my work "of the devil" and "soft porn" because they are offended by it. On the other side of the crack are the people who see the word "Christian" and make an assumption that it will be judgy, boring, unrealistic, and/or opinionated to the point they will no doubt be offended by it. And there I am looking up at the light from the bottom of the abyss... being passed over, ignored, and, yes, I get my share of hate mail - mostly from Christians (which I find hilarious). All the while, the moral integrity of our world is breaking down, crumbling beneath our feet and people don't even notice it.

Sometimes I just want to go hide under a rock down at the bottom of that pit and say "Forget it!"  I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and some days I am just tired of the fight. But, God gave me this mission, the talent, and the right people to partner with me so I have no choice but to do my best to see it through. I've been at this for over a year and a half now, I've done a lot of hard work, I've written 6 books and there are more on the way... but I don't have a lot to show for it... yet.  I know God will make things happen in the right timing and I just have to be patient.

So, go ahead hard-core Christians... send me your hate mail. I will continue to post it on my blog entitled "Hate Mail From Christians" as you too deserve to be heard. And go ahead YouTube - keep removing my content and giving me strikes... hell, remove my whole channel... I'll find another way to make it happen - why? Because it's God's will and nothing can stop that - even well meaning Christians and website "Community Guidelines". The world has always been cracked... from the moment of the bite of the apple and I'm not delusional enough to think I have enough caulk or grout to fix it... but what I can do is try to bridge the gap a little... and I suppose that's why I feel like I'm in the crack... because I am. To tell the truth, as hard as it is, there is no place I'd rather be.

They Don't Have the Genre I Need

I made a new cover for my book "30 Below" and oh how I love it. It says everything I want it to say!!!! A big shout out to Pastor Matthew Noyce in Antigua for allowing me to use his ring picture! THANK YOU!!!!

But on with the story.... yesterday I was prepping for the release of my new book by getting it signed up for Pre-Order status on Kindle. I was super excited to do this... until... I had to pick my genre categories. Ugh. Let me share with you how it went down in my little ole head...

Before I begin - here is a reminder of what the content warning says:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Fiction. Yes, it is definitely fiction... click
   Christian. Yes, it is about God's plan & He did ask me to write it... click
       General. The best choice for what's left. Too bad they don't have an EDGY category... click

Hmmmm... do I really want to put this book in Christian fiction? I don't know? Do I? I mean it has that content warning so my hate mail will be reduced... but maybe because of the content warning no Christian fiction readers will buy it. Then I will feel like a loser because no one is going to buy my book.

(delete genre categories... start over)

Fiction. Yes it is still definitely fiction... click
   Romance. Yes, it is about love and sex... click
       Erotica. Hmmm, is it erotica? It has a lot of sex but is it erotica???  DELETE
       General. That is safe... click

Hmmmm... Do I really want to remove the Christian aspect of it in my genre? I mean I am writing this for the Lord. If I remove that am I some how not showing my pride in doing this for Him? Am I backing off what I believe? It does have that content warning... so I am telling people it is about God and the write up clearly states this is about God. I'm good with that. I'm not backing down. But wait... the average romance reader is probably not going to want a lesson about God mixed in with their sex. They won't buy my book, they will think they are going to be condemned. Maybe I should remove the part of the content warning that says it's about God... but it is about God. I can't remove it! I'm not condemning anybody at all... it's just a story about love, sex and God's design. A hot story, yes. Hmmmm.... 

(delete genre categories... start over)

Fiction. Yes, this is one thing I know for sure... click
   Christian. Yes, God wants Christians to read this...
                  but I might get hate mail. I can't handle hate mail,
                  but maybe He wants other people to read it too DELETE
   Romance. Yes, God wants typical readers to read this...
                  but they might get mad, not wanting to hear about God's plan
                  but it's in the write up so they can choose if they want to buy it or not

Crap. Nobody is going to buy this book. Not the Christians, not the average romance reader. Nobody. Why did I even write it? Forget it. Maybe this was a bad idea... meshing a Christian message with a sexy, love book. Who do I think I am???

Hmmmm... remember that weekend when my husband and I went away and wanted to read a good steamy book together? We did a search for 'hot, romantic book with married couple'.  Remember how many books were returned in that search? ZERO!!!! And I don't think it's because married Christians aren't reading sexy books... it's just that no one has written a sexy Christian book about marriage. I mean the world thinks marriage is the end of sex. And a lot of Christians think sex shouldn't be discussed... at all!  Once you're married, it's over. But that is simply not true. Marriage is supposed to be the beginning. And I'm here to say... married sex can be GREAT sex. I'm sure there are other married Christians out there who would like to read a good, hot, steamy book about a married couple who deals with stuff married people deal with. I am sick to death of all the disrespectful sex... I want to give people some respectful sex to read about! 

That's why I wrote it. Yes, that's why He had me write it.

Deep Breath.

So what the heck is my genre? They don't have the one I need...  Fiction>Christian>Married Erotica 
That's just funny. Ha Ha.

Okay, so that is where my mind was... and here is what I ended up doing. I chose two. I decided if I don't sell any books, that is okay. God knows what to do with it, I just have to be obedient and I'm gonna be honest, writing this series has been a ton of fun. And my husband has enjoyed it too ;)

Fiction>Christian>Romance
 and
Fiction>Romance>General

The content warning remains and... that's all she wrote. Who knew this would be so difficult? I can only choose one genre for the paperback, so I have no clue which I will choose yet. I have some time! Sept 15th is the release date. I'd love to hear your comments and thoughts on which YOU would choose.

Today, the Kindle version of  "30 Below" went up for Pre-Sale. Here is the link if you are interested in supporting what I am TRYING to do :)   http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MQIK26Q

Can't wait to see what God is going to do!!!

If you're interested in reading the preview... here ya go!30 Below Preivew 

Content Warning!

I am so thankful my book "As Is" has been such a success. I honestly never dreamed it would happen like this but when God is involved... anything can happen. I know He will continue to get it out there to the people who it can impact. THANK YOU to all my readers! I'm little known so it means a lot to have your support.

My next book, "30 Below" is about a couple (Lucas and Faith) who meet and are immediately attracted to each other in a way neither had felt before. The sexual electricity between them forces a decision to be made... Do they act on it? Or wait?  You'll have to read it to find out what happens... I think their 100 day journey will be a surprise to you, for several reasons.

Yes, it's about SEX!!! Quite a bit different from "As Is" and it is because of this difference I am going to be placing a "Content Warning" in the write up and in the front of the book. Here's what it's going to say:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Here's what you may be thinking: a Christian theme? With strong sexual content? And language? What are you thinking Wendy? Watch out for the lightening!

Yep, you read that correctly. I would very much like to explain myself and the goal God gave me with this book. Regarding sex, I think religion in general has done a great disservice to it's followers in the past. In trying to get the youth of the world to respect sex and wait for marriage I feel they have painted an ugly picture of sex making it seem scary, bad, gross, wrong, sinful and not pleasing to God. While I understand this was not the original intent of the teachings, that seems to be how it has been received. I can't tell you how many churched people within my generation and prior agree with me on this. As today's society has drifted away from the church, what I believe has happened is... the fear this teaching has developed about sex has disappeared in our youth and this is why the generations coming up are so sex crazed. I could be totally wrong - but that is my theory. It saddens me that we seem to either be uptight about sex or totally loose about it - there doesn't seem to be a middle, healthy ground.

With the release of so many fiction 'erotica' books about dominating males with a secret past demanding various sexual pleasures from beautiful, impressionable ladies, I think most of us have read at least one of them. Yes, I have. Yes, I have enjoyed them to a point HOWEVER one thing which really bothers me about the whole fad is this: the respect that I believe two people who truly care about each other should have for one another in their sexual relationship is VOID.  It is for this reason, I wanted to make a statement. "30 Below" is my statement. Yes, I wrote lots of sex, yes I made it steamy and hot. Yes, there is cursing... but not one four letter "f" word! I have a great plot that puts it all together so it's not just frivolous sex... but I did all of that respectfully. Whether my characters end up choosing to "go at it" right away or to wait until they are married... they respect each other all along the way.

I don't care if you're in love, I don't care if both people are into it... I believe whole-heartedly, if you are demeaning your partner with either words or actions in the throes of passion - you are doing them and sex a great disservice. I speak from experience here. You can think you like something and are okay with it... then when you least expect it... BAM! It is suddenly not cool and can cause deep shame. Sex was meant to be an act of love shared between two married people; meaning two people who are already 100% committed to each other. God created it that way for a reason.

I want to be clear... my book does NOT condemn those who choose sex outside of marriage. We all know that a relationship can turn into a marriage (or even un-wedded co-habitation) and work out just fine when a couple goes for it beforehand. It's just... perhaps a little more complicated to do it out of order. This was another reason I wrote this book.

The last reason I will share with you in this blog that I wrote this book is simple. Sex is not bad. Sex is not dirty or gross. It's not displeasing to the Lord. In fact... He created it! Therefore it is holy. And when it is used properly, with love and thoughts of God being part of the union... it is glorious and completely, utterly pleasing to Him. It is for this reason, "30 Below" turned into a series called Degrees of Discernment. "Above 60" is next, coming out in December 2014 and it will dive into the wonderful world of sex within marriage... as well as some other things God tossed in there for good measure. "360 Degrees" will be out in March 2015. Each book is its own story with its own plot and full closure so they do not require each other as companions to make sense. It's an amazing journey... and I hope you will take with me, regardless of the CONTENT WARNING!

 Blessing to your days and nights! Be good to one another!

Mocked

 

I have not had a good week.  In fact, my week has been down right hell.  I was reminded of these two quotes today:

The best way to drive out the devil... is to jeer him... for he can not bear scorn. - Luther

The devil... the proud spirit... can not endure to be mocked. - Thomas More

So here I go... a public mocking filled with scorn meant for the one and only proud spirit who thinks he is oh-so-smooth but is really just a sniveling, scared worm who tries to mess with good and decent people like me as a means to pass time while he pathetically awaits his final and eternal demise which will be handed to him by The God of All Power; The God of All Things; the God I am proud call my God; my King and My Protector.  This is for you, jackass.  All for you.

You implied God must still be mad at me for my past mistakes even though I have laid them before Him and been forgiven.  You implied He had not forgotten my sins and like man, He would never let me forget them either.  You implied He was punishing me... and He would just keep punishing me all the days of my life and you asked me... “Why bother living a life for Him if you’re just going to be punished repeatedly?”

You implied that a God who really loves me wouldn’t let such painful things happen to me.  You implied that if I had only worked a little bit harder, done a little more or tried more diligently to be better then I could have earned the kind of love from Him that would buy my protection from terrible things.  You implied that unconditional love does not really exist and even if it did, I would not be worthy of it.  You implied that God’s love doesn’t rain down on me... maybe others, but not me.  You implied that I deserve to be treated better than the way “my God” is treating me.  You implied that I am a sucker and you asked me... “How long are you going to allow yourself to be used and abused?”

You implied that God is not who I thought He was.  You implied that I must have just gotten it wrong or maybe I was confused.  You implied that it is time for me to stand up for myself and put my foot down and yell “I’m not going to take it anymore!”  You implied that maybe I was wrong about all the wonderful things He has done for me... maybe it was all just coincidence that He was happy to take the credit for.  You asked me, “How long is it going to take you to see who He really is?  He doesn’t love you.  You’re just a number, just another boring robot programed to be faithful no matter what... just another idiot.  Why can’t you see that???”

Yes, my week has been hell but what I am realizing now is that the reason my week has been hell is because I have let you, the ruler of hell, have way too much of the space between my ears.  I have allowed your idiotic ranting to team up with my ridiculous self pity.  I want you to know that I’m on to you.  You may have had a little piece of me for a few brief moments... but the God I worship is a God of His Word and He promised me that He would never ever let me go.  He promised me that He would never let me be snatched away by anything, especially the likes of you.  All you are is a sad little hungry wolf who’s such a bad hunter that your only chance of feeding is to prey on the lame.  You yourself know exactly how lowly you are, you sneak around waiting for scraps... awaiting that weak moment that might give you an in and when it comes... your limited intelligence has left you with only one way to try and defeat your enemy.  You only have one lousy trick.  One.  Come on dude... how many years have you been around?  And you still can only think of one trick?  LIAR.  Yep... lying is your one and only gig.  Sure, it may have worked for you all this time - but a day will come when your lies will do nothing but keep you company.  Until then, I will continue to rely on my God to squash every single one of your stupid, moronic lies with His Truth.

So, this little game you tried to run on me in my moments of weakness... how did that work out for you?  I am proud to say your prodding did nothing more than build my faith in God a little stronger.  So... ha! You lose.

And just so we’re clear on what the truth is, let me tell you what I know.  God isn’t mad at me for my past sin... He did forgive me and anything that is happening in my life now has nothing to do with punishment.  The crappy things that happen in life that make life difficult happen because of YOU and the sin you brought us.  You are the one to blame, not God.  

God does love me and I didn’t buy that love through being good or working hard... no... He loves me because He is God.  He loves me so much he sacrificed His only son to save my life.  What have you ever sacrificed for anyone????  God loves me so much He won’t let me fall to sin... He promised to never let me go.  But He let you go didn’t He?  He dropped you because He knew... you weren’t salvageable.  I am salvageable.  I have a place in His forever home and knowing that brings hope to my life.  You have been cast out permanently... how does that feel? No wonder you’re so bitter... you have no hope.

God is still exactly who I thought He was and He is never going to change.  He speaks the truth and does not have to resort to lies to win people over.  People come to faith in God because their eyes open to the truth and they see clearly... no tricks needed.  My life has been filled with difficulties and struggle... many of my own choosing but God did bring me through each stage.  He was there, even when I didn’t know it.  He led me to a place where I could learn to love Him because He is loving, gracious and merciful.  I will never love you because you are hateful, selfish and mean... no one can ever love you because love cannot exist along with what you are.  You will die alone.

God has used every single experience of my life to draw me closer to Him and to draw others closer to Him.  Yes... I am responsible (at least partially) for bringing some of your favorite sinners to the grace of God’s love and mercy!  And guess what... I’m going to get some more of them to Him too.  You lose.  You are a loser.  You have no choice but to go down in flames. Your fight is futile and you know it.

In closing, you are a pathetic, weak, sad, hopeless, unlovable, prideful, sneaky, thieving, hateful lying loser whose hopeless destiny is already set.  You are defeated.  You are nothing.  So run away little girlie-man... you have officially been mocked.

You Only Know What You Know

You only know what you know… know what I mean? When you tell people you were raised in a normal family… remember normal is all relative to what you know. If you grew up in a house where there were no rules or consequences… then that is normal. If your parents spanked you when you misbehaved… that was normal. If you were raised by wolves, well that would be normal too.

You only know what you know.

At the age of 5, my son Brett has now been a ring bearer in two weddings. The first time was for his Aunt Marissa and Uncle Richard’s nuptials. Even though his title was “ring bearer,” little Brett’s job wasn’t really about the rings… it was more about the dog. He walked Marissa and Richard’s dog down the isle and to say it was the cutest thing ever would be an understatement. Brett’s second stint as ring bearer was just last weekend at my cousin Ceci’s wedding. This time, it was all about the rings. He was given a little pillow with two rings attached to it and his job was to safely take the rings to their destination. He was even given a t-shirt that said “Ring Security.” Very cute. Brett was excited, I mean he was having a blast as the hours ticked down to the actual wedding but for some unknown reason, Brett’s attitude changed dramatically right before it was time for him to do his job. I ended up having to walk with him down the isle… and once he was up front I sat down. I was watching him, and the only thing I can say was he was not happy. As a mom, I was embarrassed by his scowl and attitude at such a joyous occasion. I figured it was better for him to just come and sit with me than to stand there with that look on his face… mad, or whatever it was. I was mortified. I motioned him to come sit with me and he did. He sat on my lap and began to cry… and they were real tears from a boy who was truly upset. I took him to a room in the back of the church as the ceremony continued without us. Once there, he bashfully showed me the ring bearer pillow… only one ring remained attached. Through his tears he barely was able to confess, “I lost one of the rings mommy. I’m sorry.” The embarrassment of my child’s behavior melted away and compassion along with empathy filled my heart for this boy whose only desire was to do a good job. He was truly sorry and all I could do was hug him and tell him it was going to be okay. What little Brett didn’t know was this… the rings on his little pillow weren’t real, they were just for show. I’m pretty sure people stopped putting real rings on ring bearer pillows a long time ago for this very reason. I told him the real rings were in the best man’s pocket. My explanation didn’t really help though, because Brett only knew what he knew.

I didn’t know I needed to explain the fake rings to him. I didn’t know I needed to tell him his walk down the isle was really just for show. I didn’t know I needed to protect him from the pressure he was putting on himself. Had I known, I would have better prepared him but… I only knew what I knew at the time.

Yep, you only know what you know.

Have you ever seen something you wish you could un-see??? Back in 1991, I was driving down a highway in Georgia, I saw a medium sized black lab with a red bandana around his neck come running full speed toward the highway. I saw him and knew what was about to happen and I was helpless to stop it. He looked so happy and free as his paws galloped in front of the white beat-up Ford truck driving in front of me. I have a vivid memory or what happened next. I can’t even tell you how many tears I cried trying to get that visual out of my head. The thing that made it so hard was the bandana… the red bandana that had been so carefully and thoughtfully placed on the dog that day. His owners no doubt loved him. Nope, I can’t un-see that. And just recently, I witnessed a 6 month old baby falling out of the high cabin of a truck. He toppled out head first, landing on the cement. It was a pure accident which happened in my view in slow motion as his mother turned away from him for only a split second in order to prepare his stroller for the walk they were about to go on. I can’t un-see that either.

How about this… have you ever found something out you wish you didn’t know? Maybe a best friend confessed to you that they were having an affair with another best friend’s husband. Try as you might, you can’t un-know that. Maybe you discovered that the person you have been charged with sponsoring in a recovery program has fallen off the wagon… and has been lying to you about it for weeks or months. You know it’s not your fault, but at the same time knowing it changes everything about your relationship with them and it hurts. Your fiancé comes home from work one day and says, “We need to talk… I can’t marry you because I am already married, and I am not getting a divorce.” As much as you want to un-know that… you simply can’t. Things will never be the same. In these situations… knowing certain things can really present a problem. Yes, you can’t un-know what you know… and in these cases ignorance certainly seems like bliss.

But do you know what I think is more of a problem than knowing things you don’t want to know… is not allowing yourself to learn the things you need to know. After all, you only know what you know… and that can be a great excuse not to change.

I see this all the time in peoples’ lives as I work in ministry... I also see it in my own life. Ignorance can seem like such bliss for a time but in the end, ignorance leads to hell (figuratively and quite possibly literally too).

A few days after my little ring bearer lost a ring, he asked me a very interesting question. “Mommy, if the rings on the pillow weren’t real… why did they have me do it?” What a profound question from the mouth of a five year old.

In life, it seems we do a lot of things for one reason… because that is the way we have always done them. We only know what we know so we stick with it. Change is hard. The thought of change makes us afraid we might see something we can’t un-see, like the dog whose life ended abruptly in front of me in such a cruel way. Or the baby whose blood I wore on my shirt for an afternoon after I helped his mother. We might be forced to look at how our drinking is affecting the people we love, how our attitude makes people not want to be our friends, how our lack of humility makes us appear judgmental, how our foul mouths show what’s really in our hearts, how our soft parenting is creating insecurity within our children, how our lack of trust is driving our spouse away, how our gossipy mouths makes us untrustworthy, how our lack of follow-through makes us seem undependable, how our need for attention displays our insecurity, how our reluctance to pray is an indication of our lack of faith, how ,when we look in the mirror, deep down inside we know that most of our problems… are our own fault. When we finally see that… we can’t un-see it.

So we put the fake rings on a pillow, and smile as we walk down the isle so the show can continue. After all, putting the real rings on the pillow is a risk most people aren’t willing to take.

You only know what you know.

I’ve learned through the years, that my own private hell isn’t very fun… even if it is all I know, its still not fun. I decided to open my eyes…and yes, I saw the death of a dog and many other unsavory things but with it has come something beautiful… the realization that I care about life, even the life of dogs. I care about people enough to wear a stranger’s blood on my shirt. I care about myself enough to see how my drinking affected the people I love, how my attitude in the past has made people not want to be my friend, how my lack of humility has made me appear judgmental, how my foul mouth has shown others what’s really in my heart, how my soft parenting has creating insecurity within my child, how my lack of trust has driven my spouse away at times, how my gossipy mouth makes me untrustworthy, how my lack of follow-through makes me seem undependable, how my need for attention displays my deep insecurity, how my reluctance to pray is an indication of my doubts, and how, when I look in the mirror, deep down inside I know that most of my problems… are my own fault. And I care enough about my relationship with God to want to face those things one at a time so that I might be closer to Him who loves me more than I can fathom.

You only know what you know... as for me, I hope I never stop wanting to know more.

Argue

In my humble opinion, anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of politics create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of politics in the United States. Part of being here is being free to think, believe and speak what we feel and think. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a particular politicians platform is so silly. I highly doubt any politician would be passionate enough about YOU to lose his or her good friend over you. I know not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about certain things, but I don't let that effect how I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it. They will, let you be you.

The same thing could be said about Christianity... anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of Christianity create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of Christianity. The point of being a Christian is to be molded and formed into a "Christ-like" shape. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a Christian point of view is so silly. I know for a FACT that Jesus died for ALL of us... believers and unbelievers, sinners and bigger sinners, republicans and even democrats (sorry, I couldn't resist). I believe whole heartedly that God IS more passionate about YOU than you can ever be about Him... whether you believe it or not. I know that not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about Jesus, but I don't let that effect the way I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it... but a good friend will also pray for you while letting you be who you are. A good friend will also share the Good News with you when the time is right.

In the end, the one thing I believe about arguing is this... arguing is a supreme act of faithlessness... for if you truly believed with all your heart you would never be so insecure about your belief that you would HAVE to sway someone to YOUR side. You would just simply believe and have faith in that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a silent Christian... I am not a Sunday Christian and I am not a Christian who does nothing and simply says I'm a Christian. I am a proud Christian (sometimes too proud)... but I know that it isn't me that created my faith. God put His hand on me and gave me the gift of this faith. I humbly thank Him for that. I humbly thank Him for the journey.

If you want to argue about politics, whether the democrats or the republicans are better or smarter, if an elephant can kick an asses ass, or if Obama is great or the devil incarnate... go ahead ... but not with me. The truth is... we are ALL flawed. I'd much rather talk about and try to be something that is more eternally important... love. It's a hard job. It's a tough thing to do... and I fail everyday. But I try then I dust myself off every morning, clothe myself in the cleansing waters of my baptism, allow God to turn my crimson red sin into freshly fallen snow and with all the good intentions in the world, I step out and I try again. I stand firm on my Christianity, I have faith in my loving, incredible God and I will not argue about Him. And if I won't argue about something as important as God... I surely will not argue about something as pointless as politics.

365 Days

I want to start out this writing by saying that it is not meant to cause anyone to feel any particular feeling. It has not been put to paper to force any sort of reaction and I have not posted it to my blog to gain any sort of feedback or response. No… I am writing this for my own purposes, for my own mental health… and perhaps to just help me reconcile my perception with reality and recognize my unrealistic expectations of others.

To say we humans are selfish is an understatement. We were born that way. We have an intrinsic nature that makes us naturally concerned with numbero uno… me, myself, and I… the big kahuna… the center of the universe… me, me, me… ME!!!!

Even those of us who work diligently at helping others, attempting to step outside of ourselves and trying to be a good example of Christ… still have an ego to contend with. I bet even Mother Theresa had moments where she felt like, “can’t it just be about me for once?”

Because of my own selfishness through the years, I have come to really dislike my birthday. I suppose I have always had unrealistic expectations of others around me to think they would find this one day of the year, July 1st, to be something special. After all, it is just one day of 365 of them. Why would July 1st be treated any differently than the rest of them? But for some reason, my birthday has always brought about hopes that it would be nice to special, at least for the day.

What’s really funny is my birthday really shouldn’t be about me at all. It should be about my mother. I mean she’s the one who did all the hard work… she’s the one who suffered pain to give me life… why shouldn’t my birthday be a celebration of her sacrifice? After all, what did I do on July 1, 1972… nothing really. God had created me and He knew me long before that moment in time. Yes, my mother deserves the special treatment on July 1st… but society’s selfishness rears its ugly head again… and makes the birthday about me, me, me.

Keeping in mind that selfishness is the biggest disease of our humanness… it only makes sense that the people around us… strangers, acquaintances, friends and family alike are much more vested in their own existence than in anyone else's. And it is for this reason, the birthday of importance in their lives is most definitely their own, and not anyone else's. To take part in the celebration of another's birthday is a beautiful thing… but it takes intentionality and care.

I mean, the first thing you need to do is actually come into the knowledge of when a person’s birthday is. That information doesn’t normally just fall into your lap; although there are some people who walk around announcing their birth date to everyone they meet. But even after that, it takes mental acuity (or a pen and a calendar) to set that date aside as a day to, at the very least, say “Happy Birthday” to someone. Beyond that there are different levels of celebratory gifting. A greeting, a card, a gift, a party… a surprise party, a trip… and it can go on. I know people who actually celebrate their birthdays for an entire week. Geez!

It is no surprise that the ones closest to us are the ones who take more care and interest in remembering our birthdays. After all, they care for us, they are part of our lives, they are around us, they don’t want us to be disappointed or sad… and certainly don’t want to get on our bad side because we all know that can be trouble.

This year, July 1, 2010, I had a lovely birthday. It was very quiet and low key. I spent the day with my son. Opened some presents when my hubby got home. Went out to dinner and got my favorite meal. We had a really great time as a family and I have to say – it was one of my best birthday’s ever just because my happiness in those moments with my son and husband were so genuine and real.

My parents sent me some very special, well thought-out gifts and I felt very loved. I suppose I should mention that my love language is “Gifts” so give me a gift… and boy do I feel special!!! My mother and father in-law also sent me a few things in the mail that were also special. Hubby did great with his gifts to me (nothing that plugs in – yay). I got a few phone calls, one from my sister and one from my brother. I spoke with my sister-in-law, Marissa, and one other friend. I got about 20 facebook Happy Birthdays on my wall, which was nice… but I know how that works. When it’s someone’s birthday it shows up on your page and its one of the easiest things in the world to just click on the reminder, get to their page and type “H-A-P-P-Y_B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y” on their wall. It’s nice… but let’s face it, probably mostly coincidence and surely in most cases, not very intentional. I did however make sure I sent back a personal note to every single person who wished my H.B. on my wall because whether they realized it or not, I reallyappreciated the time it took to do what they did.

But something happened after my birthday passed. Remember I said it was a good one… simple but very meaningful... my Husband, my son, parents (regular and in-law) succeeded in making me feel very special! But even with that, the devil began chatting in my ear. He knows this is one of those sore spots for me and it was a GREAT opportunity for him to dig at me. I have a handful of what I would consider really good friends… not one of them even called me. Not one of them sent me a card… of course no gift… and out of the handful… only 3 wished me happy birthday on my facebook page. Hmmmm…. I thought a little further… I didn’t get one birthday card in the mail this year. And… 3 of the people who are very involved in my life… who I know are aware of my birthday… didn’t acknowledge it at all. I recalled 365 days earlier… my first surprise birthday dinner ever thanks to my husband, but with that recollection I also was faced with realizing the person who helped plan that surprise dinner, didn’t say word one to me this year about my birthday. Granted a lot has changed in that 365 days.

I know this is selfish! I know it… I know I am whining… but this has been wearing at me. These thoughts… these selfish thoughts about what I didn’t get have been stealing the joy of what I did get. This intrinsic selfishness that drives unrealistic expectation of others who they themselves are just as selfish as I am… has dampened my mood and I again have this feeling of not liking my birthday… at all. I suppose I have the devil to thank for all of that… I have myself to thank for listening to his nonsense. But is it all nonsense? Is there this appropriate reality check that needs to happen regarding my boundaries that says... if someone doesn’t know me well enough to know how I feel about this... if someone doesn’t care enough about me to even attempt to remember... perhaps we aren’t as close as I thought we were? Is that the devil? Or is that real? I don't know.

I know life happens, and everyone has stuff going on I am not aware of… and I even have to admit I have forgotten birthdays of great importance to me – and I have felt AWFUL about it because this is something that is obviously near and dear to my heart. I am fully aware that my selfishness is of less importance to others than their own selfishness. I just wish this whole birthday thing didn’t make me feel so… conflicted. I suppose I’m the only one who has control over that. I suppose the only way out is to give those feelings to Jesus and ask Him to bear the burden of it for me.

Ah ha... God just told me of something. It doesn’t matter who does and doesn’t help make me feel special on July 1st, or any other day of the year for that matter. Because guess what... in God’s eyes... I’m special EVERY SINGLE DAY... not just on July 1st. The creator of the universe desires to make me feel special ALL THE TIME but I, selfish me, stand in the way of that by letting the devil, society and unrealistic expectations of others sour my view, by focusing on what I didn't get rather than what I did get. I NEED to be fully satisfied with God' love for me... He didn't give me perfection but He did give me eternal life through Jesus, a gift to be truly thankful for. With that I will stop my whining and try to move on being less selfish.

My Radio Experiment

I am one of those people that is truly affected by music. Music has always been an important part of my life. I had major reconstructive surgery to my face after being hit by a car while riding my bike at the fresh young age of 10. As therapy, I learned to play the flute to gain control of my mouth again. In addition, I played competitive piano for years. I learned to play the saxophone, and the baritone and even had a short love affair with an oboe (double reeds and I didn't get along well though, so that had to end). I was in marching band, concert band, concert choir, show choir, took voice lessons to widen my God-given alto voice into that of a soprano, even participated in State. In college I was first chair flute in the community orchestra, which was unheard of for a freshman. I was talented mostly because I practiced a lot and I used that talent daily in an attempt to enhance my world. It was one of the only things in my life I had any control over… an instrument. I think that’s why I liked it so much. In addition to playing and being part of music, radio play was also an important part of my existence. So much that if I want to remember a specific piece of my past, all I have to do is think about what song was my favorite at the time. If I listen to that song, it's almost like a time machine that transports me right back with all my senses fully aware of what it was really like in that moment. Simply put, music invades my soul.

My life took a turn after college. Truth be told, I made the turn… it was a conscious choice and it wasn’t a good one. My participation in the making of music stopped abruptly… and then I never ever got it back. Like the old saying, if you don’t use it, you lose it. All of that time and effort, all of that talent and commitment amounted to nothing as I let it slip away by not choosing to stay connected to it. Funny, it was when I let go of tuning my instruments that I began to realize just how out-of-control my life really was.

Radio play stayed an important part of my life though. Here are some musicians that bring back STRONG memories for me: the Monkees, Bon Jovi, Def Leppard, INXS (I went into a deep depression when Michal Hutchinson died), Depeche Mode, Jon Secada (I was sure I was gonna marry him), Sarah Mclachlin, Fuel, Limp Bizkit, NSYNC (yes, embarrassing but true - I was totally in-love with Lance... very funny now), … just to name a few. My first book was written while listening to only one album… “The Long Road” by Nickelback. I called it the soundtrack to “Desco.” I can’t even tell you how many times I listened to that CD… I mean… the entire book was written to that, and how long does it take to write an entire book??? Good memories and ones I’d like to forget are tied to music… I’d be happy to never have to hear the song “Hanging On a Moment” ever again! Booze really was not my friend. Sometimes I’ll hear that song in passing and it makes me cringe… but it’s a great reminder to who I never want to be again.

Since getting sober, my relationship with God has strengthened to the point that He is the most important relationship in my life. Just like with music, it’s real easy for me to stay in my comfort zone with God and only surround myself with Him…listening to the same CD over and over again, never venturing outside of my favorite album (I’ve been known to listen to the same CD for over 6 months at a time). One of my spiritual mentors taught me how important it is to keep myself open to the whole world, and not live my life in a God shaped bubble that only includes people who are also in a relationship with Him, or at least searching for Him. We need to stay relevant, knowing what’s going on the world, experiencing the challenges and reality around us to be able to truly share God’s love with real people in this very real world. Maybe it’s because I’ve been work in recovery so much lately, but that is no excuse, but I noticed several months ago that my world has slowly become focused only on my favorite artist… God. My world is filled with mostly just Christians. Along with that I noticed that my music life has changed to primarily spiritual, praise and inspirational music. It is rare that I listen to secular radio play. Part of it is that I have become a lot more comfortable with silence these days… so I’m not listening to as much music as I used to. When I do have music playing, I want to use that time to focus on God and give Him the praise He deserves. I have come to really like Christian contemporary music… it keeps my mind in a better place, and I need all the help I can get keeping this head under control.

I’ve been wondering how I can make some changes in my life to try and branch out a little bit… as to not just live in a Christ shaped bubble. Two weeks ago I decided to start listening to regular secular radio again. I considered it an experiment. I wanted to see how reducing spiritual sound waves affected my life… if at all.

At first, I listened to mostly talk radio. I found it quite interesting how different the topics of conversations I was hearing on the public airwaves were compared to my normal everyday conversation ear shots. I wasn’t shocked by any means to hear all the cursing, name-calling, talk of casual sex, affairs, strip clubs, boozing, drugs or racism. It didn’t shock me at all, what it did was reminded me why I stopped listening in the first place! But there is a lot to be gained by listening to the insanity of what’s accepted in today’s society. I mean… how could I ever speak with any intelligence about what’s happening in the world if I completely shelter myself from it. For example, when the movie “It’s Complicated” came out, I decided there was NO WAY I was going to see it. The previews basically seemed to show how it encompassed everything that is wrong with our society today. To me, it looked like an abomination to God’s Word… absolutely wretched. I started to hear people talk about what a great movie it was. WHAT?? But how could I possibly have a conversation with them about the message of the movie if I didn’t go see it? No, if I choose not to go see it, I’d have to keep my mouth shut. If I wanted to speak intelligently about the wrong or the right messages in it, I’d have to see what it was really all about. But I digress.

At the talk radio commercial breaks I began switching to music stations and found myself enjoying a good combination of familiar tunes and brand new ones. I have to admit, I was kind of digging it. Jammin’ in my car, remembering the good ole days… soaking in the new lyrics and rifts. Good times! You just gotta love a good love song, I mean really. Who can resist a hot-blooded musician pouring out his heart and soul to the woman of his dreams, telling her how he doesn’t want to miss a moment of her existence. How he wants to breathe her in and keep their love alive forever and ever, always feeling that hot touch and racy beat between them. Yes… good stuff! Made me remember the days when my hubby and I first met. I began to reminisce. And with each song, more reminiscing of things once part of my life.

All in all my secular radio experiment wasn’t going badly at all… until one day I was listening to another one of those good rock tunes about love and I noticed that my heart actually ached for a moment. It was an ache I hadn’t felt in a very long time. A thought raced through my mind, “Why isn’t my love still like that? Why doesn’t my husband love me with that hot-burning-can’t-live-without-you kind of desire? I deserve that, don’t I?? I’ll never have that again, will I?...whoa is me…”

WHOA NELLY!!! Back the truck up, Wendy. I literally slapped myself across the face – hard. What the hell was wrong with me??? I was slowly sliding into a fantasy world I had fought my way out of a long time ago. I did NOT want to go back there! Radio love is NOT real love, just like movie love is not real love. Real love is… well, real love is exactly what I already have with my husband. It doesn't get better than what I have!!! Not that it's easy or perfect... but it's just as it should be. I’ve had that other stuff, that fake love that’s all about stomach butterflies and nervous energy, “When is he gonna call me?”, “If I sleep with him, will he love me more?”, "Yes, I love watching football!!!" "I love all the music you love dear" “He is so perfect… he will never let me down…” crapola and that is all it is… CRAPOLA! Why the heck was my mind trying to trip me into this trap? It was this darned music I was listening to! As I told you before, music invades my soul… it seeps into my heart and mind… it has the ability to change my mood and make me FEEL, or think I’m feeling a certain way. For me… I have to protect myself from the unrealistic fantasy world that society loves to pass around through music and visual means. I’m sure most people don’t have a problem separating music (or other media) from reality… but me… I gotta be very careful. One night during my radio experiment, I had a very un-cool dream about ‘something’… and the devil would have LOVED for me to wake up and smile about it, comb through it in my mind and embrace it. Instead I laughed at him and called it what it was: an invitation to temptation. Good try idiot, but no thank you. FLICK!

My radio experiment is now over and I consider it a success. No, I’m not going to shut secular music or television or talk radio out of my world, but I sure am going to be careful how I use it… and how I limit it. My mind is so impressionable, and as I said before, I need all the help I can get staying focused on the important things in life. Being a musician used to provide me with a way to feel control over my out-of-control world, and what I’ve learned is that listening to music is a good way to hand control over… to society… or to God. I choose God... society is a train-wreck!