Affair Math

I've been doing a lot of research lately on affairs as I am writing about the aftermath of an affair. It has been very interesting to say the least. Part of what has been interesting is the assumption I have found in certain people that all people who have affairs are innately evil and for some reason should have to pay for their sin for the rest of their lives. Hmm, I thought Jesus died for everyone and every sin... oh yes, He did. And thankfully, He even died for the sin of judgment.

I have found there to be two very clear types of people who have affairs. There may be more but these are the two that have clearly formed in my mind:

1 : A lying jerk/jerkette who is only out to get something extra on the side. He or she have very little shame or guilt and don't care who they hurt to get what they want. They tell extravagant lies and know how to sneak around very well.

-and-

2 : A regular ole guy or gal who 'falls' into circumstances that lead to the mistake of a bad decision. These people usually look themselves in the mirror at some point and say, "What am I doing? This is not who I am!"


Check out my assessment of affair math:

The most common affair is 1 + 2 = 0

This affair ends with a lot of anger on 2's side who will normally tell the story as though they are a complete victim and were bamboozled into the relationship, however, 2 is likely not to repeat an affair. And lets face it, they are no victim, if they willingly went into an affair, they should readily accept the outcome. A 1 usually repeats affair behavior multiple times leaving a trail of 2s in the wake all pointing at the 1 like they are a monster. I can't tell you how many of these people I have spoken to in my research.

Sometimes the affair is 1 + 1 = 0

These affairs usually remain very secret and don't have nasty feeling attached to them once they are over. They normally do not develop into real relationships because the people involved aren't interested in a relationship. They are what they are and both 1s get it (literally).

And then there is 2 + 2 = ?

This type of affair usually begins for one reason... one or both of the people have mistakenly married a person they should not have married a.k.a. not a person God had originally planned for them to be with. Why? Well, they got married without considering God's answer to "Is this the person I should marry?" either because they didn't ask it, they didn't have a relationship with God at that time, or maybe they asked it, got the answer and just misunderstood OR did what they wanted to do thinking they knew better than God. Basically, this marriage was a mistake, one they have to live with forever and ever. These types of marriages CAN last and work fine (if both people WANT it to), however, when a 2 who has mistakenly married the wrong match, accidentally meets the right match ... temptation is a beast. The 2 + 2 affair is a mistake on top of a marriage mistake. A 2 + 2 affair didn't have to be an affair, but our sin nature wins many times creating bad decisions. Had all the people involved just communicated better, the original marriage could possibly survive or break apart as amicably as possible without an affair.

Next...

The Old Testament law states the only acceptable reason for divorce is infidelity.
The New Testament tells us that the old is to be replaced with the new command: Love. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be with us and He will guide us in all matters, if we allow Him.

We are all flawed and we make mistakes everyday, some are little and some are lasting. Marrying the wrong person, a person God knows is not suited to us is a mistake and I believe it is not a mistake we should feel forced to live with everyday of our lives is it truly was an error. I think we have a responsibility to do everything we can to make a marriage work, which means communicate openly about needs and wants, give and take as necessary, pray for God's healing if there is trouble, and more than anything - ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in every step. If you do what is pleasing to the Lord in all the ways you can and the Spirit guides you to divorce... then who am I to argue? Who am I to judge you decision? No one. I'm not privy to your conversations with God.

No, the Lord will never lead you to an affair and tell you it's okay... NO WAY... but when a person has made a mistake in choosing their spouse, He will guide us on how to proceed. If you listen, if you're obedient, and faithful to His will... you can't go wrong... even if His will is to divorce. Yes, I just said sometimes God will lead you to divorce but He will never do it flippantly. I believe that. Anyone who says  God would NEVER approve of divorce is completely forgetting about the New Testament and it's purpose and is solely basing their belief on the Old Law.

I am in NO WAY saying an affair is okay or right. It's not. At all. What I am saying is the reality of the world is that it happens, even to good and decent people who make mistakes. Jesus wants us to love the sinner and hate the sin. I believe people who marry the wrong person and just can't make it work deserve happiness too. A mistake marriage followed by a mistake affair can be salvaged - but it takes work, very specific work and instead of ignoring, judging it, and wishing failure upon it... I want to do my part to talk about what can be done to keep people from making the same mistakes over and over again. There is no need for a second divorce - or a third or fourth... why not live and learn?

Yes, I know I'm going to get a lot of grief on this topic, but I'm writing this book anyway.

Prunings: Hard Cuts (Book IV in the Fruit of the Vine Series)

It will hopefully be available in October 2016 and it is all about making a divorcee's second marriage (a relationship that began in an affair) redeemable and pleasing to the Lord. Yep! I believe even affair havers are redeemable.

If you are a 2 and you would be willing to share some of your experience with me, I would love to hear from you. Head over to my Facebook page and send me a private message. I promise anything we discuss will remain completely private. I am looking to talk to people who have been in the 2 + 2 = ? situation.  Thank you very much!  www.facebook.com/wendy.oleston

FAIR WARNING... since this is a touchy subject, be careful what you say to me about it. You might find your comments on my OTHER blog... Hate Mail From Christians.

Mocked

 

I have not had a good week.  In fact, my week has been down right hell.  I was reminded of these two quotes today:

The best way to drive out the devil... is to jeer him... for he can not bear scorn. - Luther

The devil... the proud spirit... can not endure to be mocked. - Thomas More

So here I go... a public mocking filled with scorn meant for the one and only proud spirit who thinks he is oh-so-smooth but is really just a sniveling, scared worm who tries to mess with good and decent people like me as a means to pass time while he pathetically awaits his final and eternal demise which will be handed to him by The God of All Power; The God of All Things; the God I am proud call my God; my King and My Protector.  This is for you, jackass.  All for you.

You implied God must still be mad at me for my past mistakes even though I have laid them before Him and been forgiven.  You implied He had not forgotten my sins and like man, He would never let me forget them either.  You implied He was punishing me... and He would just keep punishing me all the days of my life and you asked me... “Why bother living a life for Him if you’re just going to be punished repeatedly?”

You implied that a God who really loves me wouldn’t let such painful things happen to me.  You implied that if I had only worked a little bit harder, done a little more or tried more diligently to be better then I could have earned the kind of love from Him that would buy my protection from terrible things.  You implied that unconditional love does not really exist and even if it did, I would not be worthy of it.  You implied that God’s love doesn’t rain down on me... maybe others, but not me.  You implied that I deserve to be treated better than the way “my God” is treating me.  You implied that I am a sucker and you asked me... “How long are you going to allow yourself to be used and abused?”

You implied that God is not who I thought He was.  You implied that I must have just gotten it wrong or maybe I was confused.  You implied that it is time for me to stand up for myself and put my foot down and yell “I’m not going to take it anymore!”  You implied that maybe I was wrong about all the wonderful things He has done for me... maybe it was all just coincidence that He was happy to take the credit for.  You asked me, “How long is it going to take you to see who He really is?  He doesn’t love you.  You’re just a number, just another boring robot programed to be faithful no matter what... just another idiot.  Why can’t you see that???”

Yes, my week has been hell but what I am realizing now is that the reason my week has been hell is because I have let you, the ruler of hell, have way too much of the space between my ears.  I have allowed your idiotic ranting to team up with my ridiculous self pity.  I want you to know that I’m on to you.  You may have had a little piece of me for a few brief moments... but the God I worship is a God of His Word and He promised me that He would never ever let me go.  He promised me that He would never let me be snatched away by anything, especially the likes of you.  All you are is a sad little hungry wolf who’s such a bad hunter that your only chance of feeding is to prey on the lame.  You yourself know exactly how lowly you are, you sneak around waiting for scraps... awaiting that weak moment that might give you an in and when it comes... your limited intelligence has left you with only one way to try and defeat your enemy.  You only have one lousy trick.  One.  Come on dude... how many years have you been around?  And you still can only think of one trick?  LIAR.  Yep... lying is your one and only gig.  Sure, it may have worked for you all this time - but a day will come when your lies will do nothing but keep you company.  Until then, I will continue to rely on my God to squash every single one of your stupid, moronic lies with His Truth.

So, this little game you tried to run on me in my moments of weakness... how did that work out for you?  I am proud to say your prodding did nothing more than build my faith in God a little stronger.  So... ha! You lose.

And just so we’re clear on what the truth is, let me tell you what I know.  God isn’t mad at me for my past sin... He did forgive me and anything that is happening in my life now has nothing to do with punishment.  The crappy things that happen in life that make life difficult happen because of YOU and the sin you brought us.  You are the one to blame, not God.  

God does love me and I didn’t buy that love through being good or working hard... no... He loves me because He is God.  He loves me so much he sacrificed His only son to save my life.  What have you ever sacrificed for anyone????  God loves me so much He won’t let me fall to sin... He promised to never let me go.  But He let you go didn’t He?  He dropped you because He knew... you weren’t salvageable.  I am salvageable.  I have a place in His forever home and knowing that brings hope to my life.  You have been cast out permanently... how does that feel? No wonder you’re so bitter... you have no hope.

God is still exactly who I thought He was and He is never going to change.  He speaks the truth and does not have to resort to lies to win people over.  People come to faith in God because their eyes open to the truth and they see clearly... no tricks needed.  My life has been filled with difficulties and struggle... many of my own choosing but God did bring me through each stage.  He was there, even when I didn’t know it.  He led me to a place where I could learn to love Him because He is loving, gracious and merciful.  I will never love you because you are hateful, selfish and mean... no one can ever love you because love cannot exist along with what you are.  You will die alone.

God has used every single experience of my life to draw me closer to Him and to draw others closer to Him.  Yes... I am responsible (at least partially) for bringing some of your favorite sinners to the grace of God’s love and mercy!  And guess what... I’m going to get some more of them to Him too.  You lose.  You are a loser.  You have no choice but to go down in flames. Your fight is futile and you know it.

In closing, you are a pathetic, weak, sad, hopeless, unlovable, prideful, sneaky, thieving, hateful lying loser whose hopeless destiny is already set.  You are defeated.  You are nothing.  So run away little girlie-man... you have officially been mocked.