Affair Math

I've been doing a lot of research lately on affairs as I am writing about the aftermath of an affair. It has been very interesting to say the least. Part of what has been interesting is the assumption I have found in certain people that all people who have affairs are innately evil and for some reason should have to pay for their sin for the rest of their lives. Hmm, I thought Jesus died for everyone and every sin... oh yes, He did. And thankfully, He even died for the sin of judgment.

I have found there to be two very clear types of people who have affairs. There may be more but these are the two that have clearly formed in my mind:

1 : A lying jerk/jerkette who is only out to get something extra on the side. He or she have very little shame or guilt and don't care who they hurt to get what they want. They tell extravagant lies and know how to sneak around very well.

-and-

2 : A regular ole guy or gal who 'falls' into circumstances that lead to the mistake of a bad decision. These people usually look themselves in the mirror at some point and say, "What am I doing? This is not who I am!"


Check out my assessment of affair math:

The most common affair is 1 + 2 = 0

This affair ends with a lot of anger on 2's side who will normally tell the story as though they are a complete victim and were bamboozled into the relationship, however, 2 is likely not to repeat an affair. And lets face it, they are no victim, if they willingly went into an affair, they should readily accept the outcome. A 1 usually repeats affair behavior multiple times leaving a trail of 2s in the wake all pointing at the 1 like they are a monster. I can't tell you how many of these people I have spoken to in my research.

Sometimes the affair is 1 + 1 = 0

These affairs usually remain very secret and don't have nasty feeling attached to them once they are over. They normally do not develop into real relationships because the people involved aren't interested in a relationship. They are what they are and both 1s get it (literally).

And then there is 2 + 2 = ?

This type of affair usually begins for one reason... one or both of the people have mistakenly married a person they should not have married a.k.a. not a person God had originally planned for them to be with. Why? Well, they got married without considering God's answer to "Is this the person I should marry?" either because they didn't ask it, they didn't have a relationship with God at that time, or maybe they asked it, got the answer and just misunderstood OR did what they wanted to do thinking they knew better than God. Basically, this marriage was a mistake, one they have to live with forever and ever. These types of marriages CAN last and work fine (if both people WANT it to), however, when a 2 who has mistakenly married the wrong match, accidentally meets the right match ... temptation is a beast. The 2 + 2 affair is a mistake on top of a marriage mistake. A 2 + 2 affair didn't have to be an affair, but our sin nature wins many times creating bad decisions. Had all the people involved just communicated better, the original marriage could possibly survive or break apart as amicably as possible without an affair.

Next...

The Old Testament law states the only acceptable reason for divorce is infidelity.
The New Testament tells us that the old is to be replaced with the new command: Love. Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be with us and He will guide us in all matters, if we allow Him.

We are all flawed and we make mistakes everyday, some are little and some are lasting. Marrying the wrong person, a person God knows is not suited to us is a mistake and I believe it is not a mistake we should feel forced to live with everyday of our lives is it truly was an error. I think we have a responsibility to do everything we can to make a marriage work, which means communicate openly about needs and wants, give and take as necessary, pray for God's healing if there is trouble, and more than anything - ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in every step. If you do what is pleasing to the Lord in all the ways you can and the Spirit guides you to divorce... then who am I to argue? Who am I to judge you decision? No one. I'm not privy to your conversations with God.

No, the Lord will never lead you to an affair and tell you it's okay... NO WAY... but when a person has made a mistake in choosing their spouse, He will guide us on how to proceed. If you listen, if you're obedient, and faithful to His will... you can't go wrong... even if His will is to divorce. Yes, I just said sometimes God will lead you to divorce but He will never do it flippantly. I believe that. Anyone who says  God would NEVER approve of divorce is completely forgetting about the New Testament and it's purpose and is solely basing their belief on the Old Law.

I am in NO WAY saying an affair is okay or right. It's not. At all. What I am saying is the reality of the world is that it happens, even to good and decent people who make mistakes. Jesus wants us to love the sinner and hate the sin. I believe people who marry the wrong person and just can't make it work deserve happiness too. A mistake marriage followed by a mistake affair can be salvaged - but it takes work, very specific work and instead of ignoring, judging it, and wishing failure upon it... I want to do my part to talk about what can be done to keep people from making the same mistakes over and over again. There is no need for a second divorce - or a third or fourth... why not live and learn?

Yes, I know I'm going to get a lot of grief on this topic, but I'm writing this book anyway.

Prunings: Hard Cuts (Book IV in the Fruit of the Vine Series)

It will hopefully be available in October 2016 and it is all about making a divorcee's second marriage (a relationship that began in an affair) redeemable and pleasing to the Lord. Yep! I believe even affair havers are redeemable.

If you are a 2 and you would be willing to share some of your experience with me, I would love to hear from you. Head over to my Facebook page and send me a private message. I promise anything we discuss will remain completely private. I am looking to talk to people who have been in the 2 + 2 = ? situation.  Thank you very much!  www.facebook.com/wendy.oleston

FAIR WARNING... since this is a touchy subject, be careful what you say to me about it. You might find your comments on my OTHER blog... Hate Mail From Christians.

Content Warning!

I am so thankful my book "As Is" has been such a success. I honestly never dreamed it would happen like this but when God is involved... anything can happen. I know He will continue to get it out there to the people who it can impact. THANK YOU to all my readers! I'm little known so it means a lot to have your support.

My next book, "30 Below" is about a couple (Lucas and Faith) who meet and are immediately attracted to each other in a way neither had felt before. The sexual electricity between them forces a decision to be made... Do they act on it? Or wait?  You'll have to read it to find out what happens... I think their 100 day journey will be a surprise to you, for several reasons.

Yes, it's about SEX!!! Quite a bit different from "As Is" and it is because of this difference I am going to be placing a "Content Warning" in the write up and in the front of the book. Here's what it's going to say:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Here's what you may be thinking: a Christian theme? With strong sexual content? And language? What are you thinking Wendy? Watch out for the lightening!

Yep, you read that correctly. I would very much like to explain myself and the goal God gave me with this book. Regarding sex, I think religion in general has done a great disservice to it's followers in the past. In trying to get the youth of the world to respect sex and wait for marriage I feel they have painted an ugly picture of sex making it seem scary, bad, gross, wrong, sinful and not pleasing to God. While I understand this was not the original intent of the teachings, that seems to be how it has been received. I can't tell you how many churched people within my generation and prior agree with me on this. As today's society has drifted away from the church, what I believe has happened is... the fear this teaching has developed about sex has disappeared in our youth and this is why the generations coming up are so sex crazed. I could be totally wrong - but that is my theory. It saddens me that we seem to either be uptight about sex or totally loose about it - there doesn't seem to be a middle, healthy ground.

With the release of so many fiction 'erotica' books about dominating males with a secret past demanding various sexual pleasures from beautiful, impressionable ladies, I think most of us have read at least one of them. Yes, I have. Yes, I have enjoyed them to a point HOWEVER one thing which really bothers me about the whole fad is this: the respect that I believe two people who truly care about each other should have for one another in their sexual relationship is VOID.  It is for this reason, I wanted to make a statement. "30 Below" is my statement. Yes, I wrote lots of sex, yes I made it steamy and hot. Yes, there is cursing... but not one four letter "f" word! I have a great plot that puts it all together so it's not just frivolous sex... but I did all of that respectfully. Whether my characters end up choosing to "go at it" right away or to wait until they are married... they respect each other all along the way.

I don't care if you're in love, I don't care if both people are into it... I believe whole-heartedly, if you are demeaning your partner with either words or actions in the throes of passion - you are doing them and sex a great disservice. I speak from experience here. You can think you like something and are okay with it... then when you least expect it... BAM! It is suddenly not cool and can cause deep shame. Sex was meant to be an act of love shared between two married people; meaning two people who are already 100% committed to each other. God created it that way for a reason.

I want to be clear... my book does NOT condemn those who choose sex outside of marriage. We all know that a relationship can turn into a marriage (or even un-wedded co-habitation) and work out just fine when a couple goes for it beforehand. It's just... perhaps a little more complicated to do it out of order. This was another reason I wrote this book.

The last reason I will share with you in this blog that I wrote this book is simple. Sex is not bad. Sex is not dirty or gross. It's not displeasing to the Lord. In fact... He created it! Therefore it is holy. And when it is used properly, with love and thoughts of God being part of the union... it is glorious and completely, utterly pleasing to Him. It is for this reason, "30 Below" turned into a series called Degrees of Discernment. "Above 60" is next, coming out in December 2014 and it will dive into the wonderful world of sex within marriage... as well as some other things God tossed in there for good measure. "360 Degrees" will be out in March 2015. Each book is its own story with its own plot and full closure so they do not require each other as companions to make sense. It's an amazing journey... and I hope you will take with me, regardless of the CONTENT WARNING!

 Blessing to your days and nights! Be good to one another!

Thou Shalt Not Comb

My husband, Ryan, and I have really been developing spiritually in the last few years. One of the things in life that seems to go directly against that growth is television. But, I suppose if we keep it in perspective, stand firm on the things we believe then we’ll be alright. I don’t think God wants us to live in a Christ shaped bubble, blocking out the relevance (or irrelevance) of the world. In fact, as one of God’s “fishers of men” I think it is important to know what’s happening in today’s world. I’ve learned in time that nearly anything can be related to the walk of Jesus. With that in mind, we sat down Monday night to watch some television and see what the new fall season had to offer.

One of our favorite shows had two completely separate story lines going. The first one we thought was extremely witty, entertaining and true. It was about how we as people should be confident enough with who we are that we don’t need to change what we say and do just to make others happy. I whole heartedly agree with this… but I wish it were as easy as it sounds. In my old, drunken life I truly had no idea who I was. I changed my personality completely based on who I was around and what situation was before me. I was a personality chameleon… and I told a lot of big lies. It was hard to keep up with, but it was worth it in my warped little mind because I thought that was why people liked me. As it turns out, I don’t think too many people actually did like me, because… I didn’t stand for anything, no one could figure me out and, oh yeah… I was a liar. I am still a died-in-the-wool people pleaser, and even though I’m sober I struggle with this every day. I don’t ever want to feel like anyone is mad at me. Sometimes my fear of disappointing others causes me to be dishonest about simple things. Think about it, if someone asked Jesus to go to a two hour network marketing presentation He had no interest in, I don’t imagine He’d be so insecure that He would need to come up with 3 or 4 excuses just to feel okay about saying no. I can hear it… “Well, my donkey is lame so I don’t have a ride. And one of the straps on my sandal broke so I really should get that fixed before I walk too far or I might get a blister. Plus Martha is making me a big dinner...” nope… I don’t think so. I imagine His answer would be, “No thank you.” Why is that so hard for me???? The word “No,” then a period. I’m working on that.

The second story line was totally disturbing to me. The one funny part was that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have found it disturbing at all. I would have actually found it comforting… everyone else is doing it… so it’s okay. The premise was that when you are in the committed relationship of marriage that it is totally okay to fantasize about other people. I was very pleased to see my husband shaking his head in total disagreement with this… in fact he said “Thou Shall Not Covet!” as he watched it. We both chuckled! My laugh and gladness at his statement had nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with God’s wish for our lives. I adamantly believe my spouse is a true gift from God. I am supposed to cherish him and honor him. I am supposed to be committed and stand by him no matter what. My entire relationship with my husband is an act of worship to God… and if I let another man enter that worship space in any way, I am totally disrespecting the gift. I am essentially spitting on the gift! Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t ever see men who intrigue me or catch my eye. I’m not even gonna lie and say I understood this whole concept the first 5 years of my marriage… because I didn’t!!!! I spit on my gift many times before I began to understand. And to this day, I still have eyes to see, ears to hear and interests that are occasionally sparked by others… but it’s what I do with those sights, sounds and interests that matter. I can choose to comb over them slowly in my head (combing leads to teasing and everyone know that too much teasing leads to a big, knotted mess. Even the best brush can’t get those tangles out without a lot of pain and hair-loss)… or I can choose to reject them and refocus on the awesome gift God has given me. If I have a hard time rejecting them, I pray hard, I go to the Word and pick a verse to help me. I repeat it over and over and sometimes I even ask my trusted prayer partners to pray for me to be released from temptation. God is faithful and if I look to Him to help me reject sin, He most certainly will.

Another thing about God is that He has extremely high standards. So high that if I allow another man to enter my thoughts in a lustful manner, I may as well just go ahead and go all the way with him physically. Now, I’m not saying if I’ve thought about it and it’s like doing it, I may as well just go ahead and do it. What I’m saying is… it is of upmost importance to not allow myself to go there at all, even in my mind.

In closing, I’d like to say that thankfully, God allows U-turns…. Phew! I recently joked with some friends that some days I feel like I’m just walking in circles, taking one U-turn after another. I LOVE that Ryan and I have grown to the point spiritually that we are not as confused by what we see on television. I’ll tell you this though, I do plan on keeping my eyes open. I’m sure there are plenty of things I don’t know to watch out for yet and the devil (along with society) would like nothing better than for me to be unaware of their impact. Today I’m so glad I was able to take that misleading story line that Satan was trying to use to desensitize society into not following God’s heart and turn it around in this writing and tell all of you who read this (all two of you) to stand firm on your commitment and don’t let anyone invade your worship space… it’s for you, your spouse and God…. period.