Flawed

Something has been weighing on my mind for awhile now, something I finally got some clarity about this morning and thought I would share for two reasons...

One: I think it applies to all of us and it might be helpful to someone who might be struggling with the same thing

Two: It will be a great post to share the link to in the future, should I need to explain this to someone

As you know, I'm a fiction writer for God. My books are about the real stuff of life: sex, cursing, addiction, pregnancy, mental illness. In my writing, I allow my characters to experience the real stuff and then I allow them to work through it in a real way as a hope to those out there who might be struggling with a similar issue. While my message is Christian, I feel the experiences of my books are fitting for anyone, not just a Christian. I see them as morally-infused. It just so happens that my morals are based in God.

I started a YouTube series where I am reading my book 30 Below for free and then I give some commentary at the end of each episode. In doing this, I am explaining my reasons for making my characters do the things they do. My husband has been previewing them as I finish and after about the third one he came to me and said this...

"When you write, do you really think through all of those lessons and things as you go or does it just happen naturally? I had no idea everything in there had a purpose. It would be really easy to miss so much of that because your work is so entertaining."

I beamed with pride at so many words in those sentences. The answer to his question is BOTH. I do think through a lot of it and make my characters do what they do for reasons, but also I feel like God just gives it to me and if I'm obedient... it all just fits together perfectly. I was glad to know he picked up on that and that he thinks my books are entertaining. I'm so blessed to have him... he is a wonderful man, one I take for grated far too often. (Sorry honey, I'm trying to do better.)

As I continued recording my videos and doing my commentary, I have begun to feel like... I'm not worthy to give these messages. That perhaps I am going to do more harm than good to God's mission and it gave me pause. Why? Well, I'm a very flawed person. Very. Yet, I'm sitting here writing about people who turn to God and resolve their issues with His help. I began to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and wonder if I should continue. I mean, what if someone were to find out just how flawed I am? Would my work then be discredited? Would God's movement in my life be seen as not enough? Over-all would it all be just plain hypocritical and do more harm than good? I got scared and started to feel like I needed to be more perfect just so I don't disappoint the Lord.

Perfection. Yes, if I could do a perfect job at living this life... then my words won't come back to haunt me. But unfortunately, perfection is not within my grasp. Yes, it is my job, especially as a person who is actively pursuing this career to further God's loving reach to be the best I can be... but honestly, I'm just really dang flawed. There is so much to work on to be better that I get overwhelmed when I think about it. And that's when I feel like quitting.

But here's what God had for me this morning as I listened in silence:

Aside from Jesus, God has always used very flawed people to share His love with the world. Always. Why, you ask? Well, who better to reach the flawed than a person who is also flawed. It's relate-able, it's authentic, it gains trust, it's credible and it's the only way He can reach others through a person here on earth since all of us are very flawed.

Let's say you are a person who struggles with gossiping. If a person who claims to have never gossiped came to you and said, "You should really work on your gossiping, other people have noticed it and you should stop." How likely are you to listen to their statement and work on it? Since they claim to have never gossiped, they have no advice for you on how to stop... and if they gave you some, how credible would that advice be? Most likely you would walk away grumbling about hypocrisy.

I myself have struggled with gossip for many years. I have an attraction to drama and gossip stirs it up but what I have learned is that gossip says a lot more about me, than it does about anyone else. It says I am not trust-able. It says I don't respect other people's privacy. It says I am judgmental. It says I am not a good friend or confidant. In the end, it creates distance with people who I actually want to be close with and, it makes me feel disappointed in myself at the end of the day. One thing is for certain, if you are hearing gossip from a person... that person is most likely going to gossip about you too when you're not around. Who wants a friend like that?

Since realizing all of that, I have worked hard at trying not to gossip. I pray asking God to help me be a good friend who respects other people's stories and experiences - they are theirs to tell, not mine. I try to think before I speak and make sure what I'm about to say is appropriate. I do my best not to listen to gossip, as it leads to me wanting to gossip. I fight my urge for drama, reminding myself that being centered is much better for me. I still fail at times though. *sigh*

That's me - I'm flawed. I admit it. I'm a hypocrite. But I share the ugly parts of myself with the hope of helping someone with my experience.  I've broken nearly every commandment (probably all of them in some way). That's what I write about... my experience and what I've learned so I need to stop being scared that someone will attack me for not being perfect. I need to just do my best and trust God.

The apostle Paul is my favorite... I especially like what he says here...

^"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."
Romans 7:15

Paul knew exactly how I feel now. I know better, yet I still fail. I make willful decisions to act incorrectly. I make accidental mistakes that lead to sin. I forget about God and behave like me... often. Yet, God has called me to be used by Him to reach others and I will be obedient to that call. Anyone who has a problem with that can take it up with God. You will never hear me say I'm perfect... you will only hear me say, "The only reason I know this... is because I'm guilty."

Have an amazing day! And try your best to do the next best right thing. I'm trying!

The Crack

I'm a writer of Christian fiction... but not your average CF. No, my stories include sex, language, and real life situations that are relevant to today's world. The reason it is Christian is because I allow my characters to work through these issues in a Christian (or what I consider simply moral) manner as an example to society. I do this without shoving God at anyone. I feel I base the responses of my characters on basic morals... which in my life just so happen to be Christian.

I was picked up by a publisher called Maven Christian at the end of 2015. Since then we have been working hard at setting the groundwork for re-releasing all of my books and getting some new ones out there. I feel so blessed to be backed by people who are on the same page with me... they get what I'm doing and they support it full-force. Sex and all! It's amazing!

I've been pouring hours into a project lately that has been a lot of fun. I am doing something that to my knowledge has not been done before. My book 30 Below is going to be re-released soon and it will be perma-free for Kindle users. My project is that I am reading my book in a YouTube series - for free. This means that anyone with a computer can listen to my book - for free. Instead of it being an audio-book that is purchased, it is a streaming feed - for free - and you get the bonus of seeing my beautiful face and hearing my calm soothing voice (*cough* *cough*). I'm super excited about releasing these but they will have to wait for the official re-release of the book.

I've been loading the episodes on YouTube as private (so no one can see them yet) as I get them finished. I am up to episode 10 which is about 35% of the book. With the commentary I add at the end of each episode, the listening time is about 5 hours. When you add in the editing and grunt work of creating the video I'd say I have put an additional 90 minutes into it. Everything was going fine until the other day when I got a notice from YouTube stating they removed one of my episodes for inappropriate content. I was FLOORED. I went back and reviewed the episode to try and determine what was inappropriate about it. Yes, the book contains sex, it is ABOUT sex... love and sex and why God wants us to wait for marriage... but that particular section didn't have any sex in it. It had implied sex and the worst words were "wet" and "gratifying". I appealed the removal with the promise that all my videos would be marked as age-restricted and to my pleasure, they re-instated the video. Phew.

Today I put two new episodes up on YouTube and soon after, I received another notice from YouTube saying they removed another episode for inappropriate content. I marked is as age-restricted when I loaded it - so that wasn't it. So I went back and reviewed the episode. There was no sex or even implied sex, nothing that would be considered racy or wrong in any way. There weren't even any curse words. I don't get it! The things that are on television every night are far worse than my story. I seriously... am at a loss.

This was my second take-down so I received 1 strike against my account. If I get more, they can remove my channel from YouTube then all the work I have done is for nothing. I am trying to put some hope back into society - to help reinstate some morals that have been missing in our entertainment for far too long. It's like societies good sense and moral decency has gotten cracked so badly that we don't even distinguish right from wrong anymore. I wonder, does YouTube have something against morals? Do they enjoy making the crack bigger? Maybe they only want to put things out that are sure to make the crack bigger?

Here's the thing that KILLS me... as a writer of my type of Christian fiction I fall INTO this wonderful crack. On one side of the crevice are the hard core Christians who hate what I am doing and call my work "of the devil" and "soft porn" because they are offended by it. On the other side of the crack are the people who see the word "Christian" and make an assumption that it will be judgy, boring, unrealistic, and/or opinionated to the point they will no doubt be offended by it. And there I am looking up at the light from the bottom of the abyss... being passed over, ignored, and, yes, I get my share of hate mail - mostly from Christians (which I find hilarious). All the while, the moral integrity of our world is breaking down, crumbling beneath our feet and people don't even notice it.

Sometimes I just want to go hide under a rock down at the bottom of that pit and say "Forget it!"  I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and some days I am just tired of the fight. But, God gave me this mission, the talent, and the right people to partner with me so I have no choice but to do my best to see it through. I've been at this for over a year and a half now, I've done a lot of hard work, I've written 6 books and there are more on the way... but I don't have a lot to show for it... yet.  I know God will make things happen in the right timing and I just have to be patient.

So, go ahead hard-core Christians... send me your hate mail. I will continue to post it on my blog entitled "Hate Mail From Christians" as you too deserve to be heard. And go ahead YouTube - keep removing my content and giving me strikes... hell, remove my whole channel... I'll find another way to make it happen - why? Because it's God's will and nothing can stop that - even well meaning Christians and website "Community Guidelines". The world has always been cracked... from the moment of the bite of the apple and I'm not delusional enough to think I have enough caulk or grout to fix it... but what I can do is try to bridge the gap a little... and I suppose that's why I feel like I'm in the crack... because I am. To tell the truth, as hard as it is, there is no place I'd rather be.

Content Warning!

I am so thankful my book "As Is" has been such a success. I honestly never dreamed it would happen like this but when God is involved... anything can happen. I know He will continue to get it out there to the people who it can impact. THANK YOU to all my readers! I'm little known so it means a lot to have your support.

My next book, "30 Below" is about a couple (Lucas and Faith) who meet and are immediately attracted to each other in a way neither had felt before. The sexual electricity between them forces a decision to be made... Do they act on it? Or wait?  You'll have to read it to find out what happens... I think their 100 day journey will be a surprise to you, for several reasons.

Yes, it's about SEX!!! Quite a bit different from "As Is" and it is because of this difference I am going to be placing a "Content Warning" in the write up and in the front of the book. Here's what it's going to say:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Here's what you may be thinking: a Christian theme? With strong sexual content? And language? What are you thinking Wendy? Watch out for the lightening!

Yep, you read that correctly. I would very much like to explain myself and the goal God gave me with this book. Regarding sex, I think religion in general has done a great disservice to it's followers in the past. In trying to get the youth of the world to respect sex and wait for marriage I feel they have painted an ugly picture of sex making it seem scary, bad, gross, wrong, sinful and not pleasing to God. While I understand this was not the original intent of the teachings, that seems to be how it has been received. I can't tell you how many churched people within my generation and prior agree with me on this. As today's society has drifted away from the church, what I believe has happened is... the fear this teaching has developed about sex has disappeared in our youth and this is why the generations coming up are so sex crazed. I could be totally wrong - but that is my theory. It saddens me that we seem to either be uptight about sex or totally loose about it - there doesn't seem to be a middle, healthy ground.

With the release of so many fiction 'erotica' books about dominating males with a secret past demanding various sexual pleasures from beautiful, impressionable ladies, I think most of us have read at least one of them. Yes, I have. Yes, I have enjoyed them to a point HOWEVER one thing which really bothers me about the whole fad is this: the respect that I believe two people who truly care about each other should have for one another in their sexual relationship is VOID.  It is for this reason, I wanted to make a statement. "30 Below" is my statement. Yes, I wrote lots of sex, yes I made it steamy and hot. Yes, there is cursing... but not one four letter "f" word! I have a great plot that puts it all together so it's not just frivolous sex... but I did all of that respectfully. Whether my characters end up choosing to "go at it" right away or to wait until they are married... they respect each other all along the way.

I don't care if you're in love, I don't care if both people are into it... I believe whole-heartedly, if you are demeaning your partner with either words or actions in the throes of passion - you are doing them and sex a great disservice. I speak from experience here. You can think you like something and are okay with it... then when you least expect it... BAM! It is suddenly not cool and can cause deep shame. Sex was meant to be an act of love shared between two married people; meaning two people who are already 100% committed to each other. God created it that way for a reason.

I want to be clear... my book does NOT condemn those who choose sex outside of marriage. We all know that a relationship can turn into a marriage (or even un-wedded co-habitation) and work out just fine when a couple goes for it beforehand. It's just... perhaps a little more complicated to do it out of order. This was another reason I wrote this book.

The last reason I will share with you in this blog that I wrote this book is simple. Sex is not bad. Sex is not dirty or gross. It's not displeasing to the Lord. In fact... He created it! Therefore it is holy. And when it is used properly, with love and thoughts of God being part of the union... it is glorious and completely, utterly pleasing to Him. It is for this reason, "30 Below" turned into a series called Degrees of Discernment. "Above 60" is next, coming out in December 2014 and it will dive into the wonderful world of sex within marriage... as well as some other things God tossed in there for good measure. "360 Degrees" will be out in March 2015. Each book is its own story with its own plot and full closure so they do not require each other as companions to make sense. It's an amazing journey... and I hope you will take with me, regardless of the CONTENT WARNING!

 Blessing to your days and nights! Be good to one another!

Shoulders Back, Head Held High

I got a wonderful Mother's Day surprise this year... and it was a surprise to my husband and kids too!  While I was greeted with the typical breakfast in bed in the morning and given a card made at school as well as a purse, my real gift... the one that meant the most to me was time.  The time I was given has resulted in a MAJOR change in how I feel about myself.  Let me explain.

Ryan purchased me an ebook about a month ago.  He gave it to me so I could escape into a fictional world that was not of my own building.  He hoped I would read it on vacation in Florida, but that vacation really wasn't conducive to reading.  The Friday night of Mother's Day weekend Ryan asked me if I had started the book yet, and that reminded me I had it so I went ahead and started it before heading to bed.   Quickly, I was immersed in another world... one that wooed me in a very surprising way.

It was a love story... okay maybe not love at first... a lust story with two very powerful main characters with lots of issues.  A few pages into it I read something that totally shocked me and looked over at my husband saying, "What did you buy me???"  His eyes got big as he replied. "I don't know, I read a review and it sounded like you might like it. Why?"  I proceeded to read the part that shocked me aloud to him and he was shocked as well and quickly apologized for getting me this book.

I am a survivor of a sexual trauma and because of this I am very "delicate" when it comes to things that are sexual in nature.  Not long ago I would have closed the book in disgust and then spent the next few days fighting an internal battle of anxiety and repulsion because of the story's raw sexuality and the extremely crude way it explained things.  But for a reason, unknown to me at the time... I was able to keep reading without a problem.  I was shocked.

Quickly, the full plot of the story came into view.  It was about a man and a women, both survivors of sexual trauma (molestation and rape),  and how they had to work through their personal issues with their past in order to be able to truly love each other.  It was a very interesting, passionate, well written piece of fiction that I recognized as being done by an author who either had experienced sexual trauma herself or did a tremendous amount of research to be able to write it's aftermath so correctly and vividly.  I finished the book by Saturday afternoon, unable to put it down and I discovered that the story was actually a trilogy.  Ryan purchased the second ebook for me immediately and I dove in right away.

Book two was a hard read for me as it dealt with the specifics of the sexual traumas as well as the characters realizing how broken they were and how much work it would take to fix it.  I spent nearly all day Mother's Day reading.  The story nearly ripped my heart out as I read... feeling all of the emotions they felt because I had been there and in some ways... realized I was still there.  I don't think I cried, but I hurt and by the end of the book things were very unresolved and I felt sick to my stomach.  I was glad there was a third book because I needed to feel better... and I felt stuck in a bad place.  The book had me remembering some of my past habits that I have worked so hard to break free from... and it had a part of me desiring to go back there and be like that again.  I prayed for God to protect me, and He did but it was a very uncomfortable feeling.  It brought forward a lot of memories I'd just assume forget and showed me some things I hadn't even realized before.  Ryan purchased book three for me Sunday night and I started it right away, hoping for resolve.

Book three was just what I needed.  Resolutions were found and things began to come together for them as a couple,  they beat the crap out of some of their demons and were actually happy.  Personally, I realized the reasons for some of my behaviors and had a cathartic moment over something I had no clue about. It was amazing.  The book ended very abruptly with a lot of open ends and missing info about other story lines - but it closed up the hole I needed closed and I felt total relief when I finished it.  There is supposed to be a fourth book, but it has yet to be released.  Personally, I'm not sure I NEED to read it as I was able to get what I needed out of it already - but I might read it just for fun.

So, I essentially read three books in three and a half days.   I was a woman obsessed.  I've never done that before!   Earlier I said that I was surprised I was able to continue reading, but was able to for a reason unknown to me.  Well, when I was done with all three and had time to think about the journey the books took me through... I understood exactly why I was able to read them.  God knew I would glean exactly what I had been searching and needing for years.  Even through years of therapy, pieces of me were still very broken as a result of the sexual trauma I endured but something about this story... the way it was written, the details it provided and the things it made me realize was extremely healing to my body, heart, soul and spirit.  So many light bulbs lit as I read.  So many things of my past finally made sense to me... I literally felt like a thousand pound weight was lifted off of me.  I fell to my knees while alone and cried like a baby... feeling the freedom I have longed for so deeply wash over me.  I felt blessed by God and so very grateful.

I have always had horrible posture, it's something I hate about myself and I have worked on before but usually give up because it seems I can't make myself stick with holding my shoulders back and my head up high.  I don't think it is a coincidence that since reading this series and achieving that freedom that I am holding my head up higher and my shoulder back farther naturally.  I just feel different.  I am no longer ashamed, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer looking in the mirror with a frown wishing I was something different, instead I feel a new confidence that I believe is exactly what God wants me to feel.  I feel good deep down in my heart and soul.  I feel pretty for the first time ever.  I feel proud of who God has made me into.  Those things were stolen from me a long time ago... but thanks to some very raw, rude fiction given to me by my husband, some time to obsessively read given to me by my family, some hefty guarding of my heart by God and my ability to accept the truth inside me... I got them back... it took 23 years but I got them back!!!  Shoulders back, head held high... I feel good.  Praise the Lord!

I'm sorry I have not said what the series is, if you want to know you can message me.  While I am totally grateful for the series and what it did for me, I don't feel right about passing it on to the average person for entertainment purposes.  I didn't feel it portrayed love and sex in a way that would be pleasing to God at all. In fact it was quite the opposite.  I was able to look beyond that because I have a very firm grip on what I believe God intended love and sex to be like.  For someone who doesn't, this story could be very destructive.  If you feel you need an experience like mine or just feel like you can handle it... PM me or leave your email address as a comment.  Your comment will not be published without my approval so I can just get your email and cancel your comment.  I will gladly share the titles with you.

Keep your shoulders back, your head held high and have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

Not My Life, Not My Baby

I haven't written anything in a long time and its not because I haven't had anything to say or even that I haven't thought God had anything He wanted me to share.  It's because I have been in a season of life these last months that have been very quiet.  A quiet season... never thought I would have one of those!  Probably because I have never sat still for long enough to ever even have more than a few days of quiet.  To think it has been nearly seven months of quiet... is crazy to me.

I remember feeling a loss of purpose around January 2012.  We had just settled in our new home in Wisconsin so life was very different.  I was happy, but all the change sort of tossed me into a place of not knowing what I was supposed to do next.  Brett had adjusted to school and new friends so quickly.  Plus was getting to that age of not really needing his mama so much that the load of motherhood seemed to be lightening enough that there was more "free-time" in my schedule than ever before. Ryan was happy working from home and being close to family, he was helping out a lot and seemed to not really need me as much either.  I hadn't had enough time here yet to make any close friends, those relationships were just beginning or maybe not even in the picture yet and I didn't feel as drawn to the recovery work I had been doing in Texas as I thought I would have.  I was happy and living without regrets yet feeling a bit lost, wondering what big job God had for me next.  I was kinda bored. I didn't really want to go out and get a job, but there was this hole that needed to be filled. I distinctly remember asking God to tell me what my new big purpose in life was.  I have to be honest though and say, I didn't really listen for an answer.  As bored as I felt, I was kind of enjoying not having to do much.  I didn't want it to change because it was comfortable.  What if my next purpose was going to stretch me or make me dive into something I really wasn't wanting to do?  It was kinda nice to be able to watch TV whenever I wanted to and not have any real obligations to attend to weekly.  It was kinda nice to feel freedom from any hustle and bustle.  Nice but also boring.  Maybe I could just get used to boring?.  That would be great.  "Hey God, scratch that request for a new purpose... I'll just chill over here and work on getting used to boring."

I thought I was generally happy, I really did.  But looking back I suppose I can see an emptiness building in me.  I was becoming more introverted, which any one who knows me knows that is not really who I am.  I was beginning to have these crazy mixed emotions of sadness at my boredom but then I'd get angry at my son or husband when I was interrupted from my boredom. I was participating in volunteer work and Bible study but it was always a struggle to actually make myself go. I thought I was content, but deep down I was nothing of the sort.

My world was rocked in May when I found out I was pregnant.  I was about to turn 40, had just found out I had fibroid tumors that needed to be removed and totally not on board with the whole idea of being mom again.  This baby was REALLY gonna get in the way of my life plan.  I didn't want my life to change, I didn't need my life to change and I didn't think there was any way I could handle starting over with kid number two again.  I was mad.  So mad... at my husband, at myself, at life but mostly at God.  How could He let this happen to me?  How could He do this to me at this point in my life??  Why God, what are you doing messing with my life???

Luckily, I have had enough experience in my spiritual life to recognize that being mad at God isn't a sin.  In fact, I talked to Him about how mad I was at Him often. I think that was the whole of my prayer life for many many weeks... me telling God how pissed I was at Him.  I became depressed and withdrawn.  I shriveled inward into myself not wanting anyone to touch me, talk to me or try to understand me.  I just wanted to be left alone.  Eventually, I turned to our new Pastor and asked him to meet with me.  I don't know why I did that, I mean I didn't really want help - I wanted to be miserable but my hand reached out and dialed the phone as if it had a mind of its own and once the appointment was made, I just went ahead and went.  He helped me realize that a better use of my anger would be to point it at satan, instead of everything else.  Thus the writing I posted on May 17th called "Mocked".  That was very cleansing to me.

From there my heart began to slowly (oh so slowly) open to God and His will for me.  I slowly began to realize that my stubborn need to be in control of my life was blocking God's will for my life.  I admitted to Him that I didn't really want His will, and asked Him to help me change that.  I've been around the block enough times to know that God's will is gonna be whether I want it or not, so it's a lot easier to just get on board and stop whining.  I had this notion that I was supposed to just have a total change of heart over night and be ready to go with a smile on my face the next day cheerfully announcing my commitment to God's will to the world - yeah!  But when I woke up and that wasn't my reality and I didn't have the energy to fake it, I was confused.  I was still so sad about this change God had for me.  So sad, to the point of despair.  Faith got me through though.  I've had some rough times in life and the experience of making it through those rough times with God's help led me to know... without doubt... that this rough time was going to be okay, even though I didn't like it.  I realized that even in my deep despair, I trusted God fully.  It was then my relationship with God began to change and become something it never had been before.  Intimate.  Quiet.  Nearly silent.  Effortless.  I began to let Him take care of me without worry of what I needed to do to earn it.  I stopped working so hard to achieve a relationship with Him.  I sat quietly, just me and Him, no need for words, just there together.  Me in His hand.

My husband began to worry that my relationship with God was slipping.  He was so used to me being a crusader for Christ and a loudmouth, hard working, go-go-go Christian that this quiet wife of his who barely even spoke of God was very concerning.  I assured him that he didn't need to worry, but I think he did anyway.  He had no idea what was churning inside me, and I didn't really either.

I was having no fun with this pregnancy at all!  I was very sick, throwing up almost every hour some days.  I found it difficult to eat, my digestive system was whacked and the pain from my fibroid tumors was so intense some days I would just cry and cry. I was miserable.  I began to wonder why I wasn't happy.  I mean I had this faith and trust in the Lord, wasn't that supposed to get me through this with a smile on my face and great attitude?  Then one day God popped Paul in my mind.  I imagined him sitting in prison and how miserable he must have been.  His faith was there, his trust was there... but it was a hard time and it is highly unlikely he was overflowing with sunshine everyday as he sat there.  I gave myself permission... actually I feel like God gave me permission to be miserable.  I decided to be okay with my miserable days but not let them make my whole life miserable.  There were good days and when I had them, I needed to make the most of them and be thankful.  By some miracle I was able to do that, without guilt.  Just me in God's hand.

Each stage of this pregnancy has been a challenge, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how God has done it, but He has ever so slowly changed me and my heart through this pregnancy for the good.  This baby has been a completely unexpected gift of new life... new life to me and new life to this little girl in my belly.  I am so very thankful for this gift now, so in awe of His plan and His will.  I hope I can hold on to these lessons for years to come.  I hope I can remember how much I get in the way of His will when I try to control my life.  I hope I will remember that my life is not my own at all, it is His fully... and my baby is not my own either, she is fully His as well.  Thank you for giving me people in my life to speak Your truth to me through this when I have needed it... Mary, Justin, Pastor Decker, Jess, Stephanie, Stef, Jen and Jenn. Thank you for the gift of my friend Cindy here in WI who has been  so very helpful in so many ways.  Thank you God for forcing me to step up to the plate.  Thank you for giving me this opportunity to follow Your will, truly lose myself so I can gain so much more of You.  Thank you for helping me turn my fears over to You as the devil tries to haunt me with them. Thank you for trusting me with another one of Your children.  She is very loved already even though she won't be here until Dec 19th! 

   

Mocked

 

I have not had a good week.  In fact, my week has been down right hell.  I was reminded of these two quotes today:

The best way to drive out the devil... is to jeer him... for he can not bear scorn. - Luther

The devil... the proud spirit... can not endure to be mocked. - Thomas More

So here I go... a public mocking filled with scorn meant for the one and only proud spirit who thinks he is oh-so-smooth but is really just a sniveling, scared worm who tries to mess with good and decent people like me as a means to pass time while he pathetically awaits his final and eternal demise which will be handed to him by The God of All Power; The God of All Things; the God I am proud call my God; my King and My Protector.  This is for you, jackass.  All for you.

You implied God must still be mad at me for my past mistakes even though I have laid them before Him and been forgiven.  You implied He had not forgotten my sins and like man, He would never let me forget them either.  You implied He was punishing me... and He would just keep punishing me all the days of my life and you asked me... “Why bother living a life for Him if you’re just going to be punished repeatedly?”

You implied that a God who really loves me wouldn’t let such painful things happen to me.  You implied that if I had only worked a little bit harder, done a little more or tried more diligently to be better then I could have earned the kind of love from Him that would buy my protection from terrible things.  You implied that unconditional love does not really exist and even if it did, I would not be worthy of it.  You implied that God’s love doesn’t rain down on me... maybe others, but not me.  You implied that I deserve to be treated better than the way “my God” is treating me.  You implied that I am a sucker and you asked me... “How long are you going to allow yourself to be used and abused?”

You implied that God is not who I thought He was.  You implied that I must have just gotten it wrong or maybe I was confused.  You implied that it is time for me to stand up for myself and put my foot down and yell “I’m not going to take it anymore!”  You implied that maybe I was wrong about all the wonderful things He has done for me... maybe it was all just coincidence that He was happy to take the credit for.  You asked me, “How long is it going to take you to see who He really is?  He doesn’t love you.  You’re just a number, just another boring robot programed to be faithful no matter what... just another idiot.  Why can’t you see that???”

Yes, my week has been hell but what I am realizing now is that the reason my week has been hell is because I have let you, the ruler of hell, have way too much of the space between my ears.  I have allowed your idiotic ranting to team up with my ridiculous self pity.  I want you to know that I’m on to you.  You may have had a little piece of me for a few brief moments... but the God I worship is a God of His Word and He promised me that He would never ever let me go.  He promised me that He would never let me be snatched away by anything, especially the likes of you.  All you are is a sad little hungry wolf who’s such a bad hunter that your only chance of feeding is to prey on the lame.  You yourself know exactly how lowly you are, you sneak around waiting for scraps... awaiting that weak moment that might give you an in and when it comes... your limited intelligence has left you with only one way to try and defeat your enemy.  You only have one lousy trick.  One.  Come on dude... how many years have you been around?  And you still can only think of one trick?  LIAR.  Yep... lying is your one and only gig.  Sure, it may have worked for you all this time - but a day will come when your lies will do nothing but keep you company.  Until then, I will continue to rely on my God to squash every single one of your stupid, moronic lies with His Truth.

So, this little game you tried to run on me in my moments of weakness... how did that work out for you?  I am proud to say your prodding did nothing more than build my faith in God a little stronger.  So... ha! You lose.

And just so we’re clear on what the truth is, let me tell you what I know.  God isn’t mad at me for my past sin... He did forgive me and anything that is happening in my life now has nothing to do with punishment.  The crappy things that happen in life that make life difficult happen because of YOU and the sin you brought us.  You are the one to blame, not God.  

God does love me and I didn’t buy that love through being good or working hard... no... He loves me because He is God.  He loves me so much he sacrificed His only son to save my life.  What have you ever sacrificed for anyone????  God loves me so much He won’t let me fall to sin... He promised to never let me go.  But He let you go didn’t He?  He dropped you because He knew... you weren’t salvageable.  I am salvageable.  I have a place in His forever home and knowing that brings hope to my life.  You have been cast out permanently... how does that feel? No wonder you’re so bitter... you have no hope.

God is still exactly who I thought He was and He is never going to change.  He speaks the truth and does not have to resort to lies to win people over.  People come to faith in God because their eyes open to the truth and they see clearly... no tricks needed.  My life has been filled with difficulties and struggle... many of my own choosing but God did bring me through each stage.  He was there, even when I didn’t know it.  He led me to a place where I could learn to love Him because He is loving, gracious and merciful.  I will never love you because you are hateful, selfish and mean... no one can ever love you because love cannot exist along with what you are.  You will die alone.

God has used every single experience of my life to draw me closer to Him and to draw others closer to Him.  Yes... I am responsible (at least partially) for bringing some of your favorite sinners to the grace of God’s love and mercy!  And guess what... I’m going to get some more of them to Him too.  You lose.  You are a loser.  You have no choice but to go down in flames. Your fight is futile and you know it.

In closing, you are a pathetic, weak, sad, hopeless, unlovable, prideful, sneaky, thieving, hateful lying loser whose hopeless destiny is already set.  You are defeated.  You are nothing.  So run away little girlie-man... you have officially been mocked.

One Hundred and One Pounds

The air was cool and soft on my skin as I walked. I was gliding what felt like effortlessly with an inner energy I hadn’t felt in so long, maybe even never. The voice of Todd Agnew singing a modern version of the most profound words ever written in a song was passing through my eardrums…

“Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear…”

A memory hit me. It was February 24, 2007. Unknowingly, God’s Spirit within me (whom I can only guess was there through the miracle of baptism) had been chipping away diligently at the highly durable, heavy-duty,  strong, crusty Damn of my Denial. With one last blow from The Spirit’s chisel, the Damn I had built so meticulously to contain all of my secrets and shame came crumbling down. My soul became flooded with awareness of what an immeasurable wretch I was. I was consumed with recognition of the truth… yes… this was the person I had become. I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I was indeed the wretch the song was written about. Consumed with inconsolable grief, loss and total fear to the consequences of who I really was, I lost all hope for a future. Life was too much to bear. Stifled by a type of fear that transcended terror, I knew there was no way I could face the truth before me, there was no way I could ever face anyone in my life again... or myself.

The very same Spirit who had just destroyed my Damn and exposed my eyes to the real nightmare of my life stayed, even though I didn’t want Him there. I wanted Him to leave me be and let me do this my way. “You’ve done Your job now get out!... Are You proud of Yourself? You’ve broken me… You’ve made my blind eyes see and I can’t deny it anymore.” He remained. “Go… I don’t want You here. I hate You.” He said nothing. I imagined it would only be a matter of time before He gathered His things and left so I hurled more insults His way wanting to hurry it along.  I just wanted Him gone. All this awareness was too much. “Fine, if You won’t leave… I will!” With all the disobedience and disrespect I could muster, I grabbed the pills and swallowed them, all of them. “See, You’re not so tough. It will only be a matter of time and I’ll be gone and there won’t be anything You can do about it. I’m in control. I’m NOT going to let You make me feel this way for another moment.”

The clocked ticked loudly and slowly.  Anger and unrest swarmed around me until finally I closed my eyes and began to get woozy.  I lay there awaiting my final act of defiance to become real, satisfied by my stubbornness yet somehow... sad.  I knew He was still there. My heart began to race a little and I began to feel a little strange. My satisfaction became unsettled and my chest fluttered slightly with nervousness.  As the moments began to slip by all the anger and fear I had been feeling began to transform slowly into something very different. Instantly, I was consumed with a new type of fear… one I hadn’t ever felt before. The fear was one of disgrace and sadness, longing and loathing, heavy and bottomless… and it was no longer pointing outward at He who forced reality upon me, it was now deeply entrenched within myself. I didn’t hate Him. I hated me. In what I thought were going to be my last moments of consciousness my pride shattered and I uttered the only words I knew to say… “forgive me.” They were only two words, but they meant much more.  With those words I excused Him from the room.  I let Him know it was okay for Him to leave me now.  I said I knew He had done all He could do to save me and I took full responsibility for it not working out. I told Him to discard me, for I knew I deserved it. I didn’t see it happen, but I felt it. He departed and I was left all alone with my fear.

“… And Grace, that fear relieved.”

Only moments later, my wooziness jolted and I realized I was not alone anymore. Yes, The Spirit had departed but Someone much more powerful had come in His place to be with me. God Himself was at my side.  He put His hand on me and said, "I will never leave you."   I knew whole-heartedly in those moments that He loved me in a way I couldn't fathom. I knew He was bigger than all of my mistakes and screw ups. My fear subsided, I don’t know how or why… but I believed.

“How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed.”

This was the hour I first believed… I mean really, truly, blind-faithfully, had no idea what it meant but knew it was real, believed. God had always been in my life but this was different. This was the moment of my conversion to Christ. That hour changed everything for me even though I didn’t understand it at all.

I was a frail, weak, feeble, scrawny, fragile looking woman for many months after my conversion. I am five foot six inches tall and should at my healthiest weight and body type be at about 135 - 140 pounds. At my lowest moment, the day He rescued me I only weighed one hundred and one pounds. But it may as well have been five hundred because I felt like the heaviest underweight person in the world.

My memory of that day was over and present time came into focus again. Four and a half years from that life changing night and many things have changed. I’ve been sober all of it, I live in a new house, my son is just about to finish his first year of Kindergarten, my relationship with my husband is amazing, my sister-in-law is now married and having her first child, I have a new church home, and a new recovery program. I have different friends, a different therapist, a diagnosis of ADHD and medication to improve my quality of life, I have new insight, I have a deeper Spiritual growth than ever before, I have new successes and new failures spreading out all over. I’ve lost some character defects and I’ve gained a few.

Just last week I realized there are a few things that haven’t changed in the years since God told me He would never leave me. I also realized that these things really needed to change if I was going to ever be able to accept the true gift of God’s Grace. In the years that had passed since then, my head knowledge was strengthening but, something else far more important had remained dormant. As if out of nowhere, knowledge and brain power joined with the essence of my spirit and the core of my heart and they began to converge together. It was a perfect storm which awoke me to some secrets within me. Secrets which had been meticulously hidden so far down below in my consciousness, that I had most certainly lived with them my whole life. These secrets had become such an intrinsic part of me that they weren’t really secrets at all. They were the defining facts of who I really was. They were me. But it didn't fit together anymore. God’s grace and those secrets didn’t go together at all. Upon further reflection, I recognized I had been holding onto things that could have only been placed there by one source, and one source only... the father of lies. Even through all the Grace I had felt and seen and heard in these years, I was still being bound by the biggest lies of all time….

I am a bad person.
I am not lovable.
I can not escape by past.

I felt the cool, soft air on my skin as I walked. Again, I was gliding what felt like effortlessly with an inner energy I hadn’t felt in so long, maybe even never. The voice of Todd Agnew singing a modern version of the most profound words ever written in a song were passing through my eardrums…

“Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear…And Grace, that fear relieved.”

“How precious did that Grace appear the hour I first believed.”

And then came the next part of the song…

“Hallelujah, Grace like rain falls down on me…

Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away…

they’re washed away.”

Four and a half years after my conversion to Christ, four and a half years into my walk of trying to understand God’s Grace I finally felt His Grace upon me in a way I never had. This incredible gentle breeze of Grace touched my skin as I was gliding on this energizing euphoric walk. I felt hard, dark pieces from deep inside of me begin to unwind from the places they had been stuck for years. Stains were rising to the surface of my skin and were lifted by the movement of the air around me. It was like the past was being freed from my soul and all of its residue was being cleansed from my inner spirit. I began to feel lighter as it happened. I could envision the mist and vapors dissipating off of me, peeling off, blowing backwards into the wind with great swirls, stirring and rolling, being left in the wind never to be seen again. My skin felt fresh and new, my body felt so light and free. I felt a peace and calm within me I never knew existed. Four and a half years into my conversion I knew with all certainty that I was finally allowing God’s Grace to truly free me from my past. As the air tingled my skin, I surrendered to the only truth I ever need… His Grace Is Sufficient For Me.

With absolutely no desire to look back and see where all of the junk and lies of the devil that had been pulled up out of me were going, I turned the corner of my walk and committed to never ever look back there again. I saw the slight incline of the sidewalk ahead of me and had to smile. I’m ready God. I’m ready to finish this conversion thing with the rest of my life journey. I’m ready to believe what You want me to believe about me.

It has taken a health battle to bring me to this point in my surrender to God. The night of this walk of Grace I looked in the mirror and saw a frail, weak, feeble, scrawny, fragile looking woman, not much different than the woman I saw in the mirror back in February of 2007. Still five foot six inches tall with an ideal weight of 135 - 140 pounds, the mirror couldn’t lie. Seeing every rib easily, viewing the bruising and skin discoloration of a body that has been fighting to become healthy again made me sigh. I stepped on the scale, just out of curiosity. The number that appeared was no coincidence, one hundred and one pounds. But this time, the load felt a lot lighter. This time, the past wasn’t getting to weigh in with me. It was somewhere outside blowing in the wind. I may be standing frail, weak, feeble, scrawny and fragile but His Spirit is strong in me. My flesh will fail, but my God, You never will.  My conversion to Christ is continuing and I have most certainly, turned the corner. 

(Amazing Grace written by John Newton, Grace Like Rain by Todd Agnew)

Say "Cheese"

It’s been a little while since I posted my last article. Have you missed me??? Just kidding. It’s been a very interesting last month and a half. This story will give you an idea of what I’ve been up to... thankfully, it’s all over!

It was Friday night, I had been sick with one of those stomach bugs so I hadn’t eaten anything for a few days. My son had enjoyed the most expensive Valentine candy in the whole world earlier that day… Fun Dip. Why was it so expensive? Oh, because we found out he was allergic to it the hard way. I rushed him to the doctor at 4:00 then stopped off at the pharmacy on the way home to get him the steroids he needed to not scratch all his skin off before morning light. Now 6:00ish, I was getting dinner together for my hubby and son, but I wasn’t going to eat since food still wasn’t terribly appealing to me. Out of habit, I stuffed a piece of sliced Colby cheese in my mouth as I prepared my son’s dinner plate. Oh how I love cheese! In only minutes, a pain begin at the base of my sternum. I thought maybe it was a hunger pang, so I ate another piece of cheese. It got worse as I handed out dinner and tried to do a little living room clean up from the busy day. Before long, I couldn’t stand up straight… the pain grew and grew. I tried everything I knew… antacids, sitting, lying, I even tried to make myself throw up with the wrong end of my toothbrush, but the pain got worse and worse.

I felt like such a wimp. I mean, normal people don’t writhe around in pain when they have a little heart burn, why was I almost in tears. It got worse and worse to the point I felt I might actually explode… in fact, explosion would have been a nice relief. In probably the worst pain of my life I broke down in prayer, praying the prayer God always responds to with immediacy when it is spoken from my heart…

“God, I am in so much pain. I know I deserve this pain… I deserve worse pain for being the filthy sinner that I am. The pain Jesus endured for me is so much greater than this… help me put this in perspective, help me Lord… Help me!” a few seconds later I added, “Tell me what I’m supposed to do!”

I managed to go to the living room and fell at my husband’s feet in pain. I was in tears, and writhing in pain. He didn’t know what to do. I repeated in my head to God, “Tell me what to do God…. I don’t know what to do.” At that very moment, my body began to go into shock. I was hyperventilating, and the blood rushed out of my arms and legs so they curled up became rigid. I began to feel numbness all over my body and I couldn’t speak normally… I was speaking very slowly and stuttering. That was when my husband called 911. The beauty of going into shock is that the pain actually seemed to subside slightly, so as scary as it was to be “in shock” it was a relief, at least from the pain.

The ambulance came and two very kind paramedics took very good care of me. Shoeless, they strapped me to the gurney and put me in the back of the ambulance. They hooked me up to an IV then offered me some morphine. As a recovering alcoholic, morphine is a dangerous drug for me so I had to think about it… but ultimately I said yes. The pain was incredible.

Once at the hospital they kept pumping me with more and more morphine, but no matter how much they gave me, the pain was incredible. I became nauseous, no doubt from all the morphine and they eventually gave me an additional drug to take the edge off the nausea… they basically knocked me out and the rest is fuzzy. Although I do clearly remember the devil women who gave my a sonogram, jabbing her sono-gun into the areas that hurt the most while it hurt the most. To her I say… I know you were just doing your job but… REALLY!!! It hurt. I will try to forgive you.

It was almost midnight and I was released. The pain had subsided (or the drugs had finally worked, not sure) and I slowly walked, shoeless, to the waiting room to wait for my hubby to pick me up. I was high, still in some pain and felt like a little kid, helpless and wandering in the desert waiting for salvation. I held a single piece of paper in my hand that said, “Follow up with your doctor for elevated liver enzymes.”

The emergency room had sent me home with drugs… Vicodin and another kick-ass nausea/anxiety medication that supposedly worked well with Vicodin. The instructions were to take them as needed for pain. In the morning, I was groggy and afraid the pain would return full force so I took the meds right away. By late afternoon the drugs were beginning to wear off and I felt another panic…what if the pain returned? I took another round of meds and went back to sleep. I awoke as my husband began to get into bed. I felt the addictive part of my personality taking hold of me as I saw the Vicodin bottle and thought, “I better take another one, just in case.” I realized I wasn’t in pain at all and thought about lying. I weighed the “high” feeling against my integrity and by pure instinct I grabbed the bottles… and handed them to my husband and said, “Take these… hide them… I don’t trust myself!” He was a little shocked but did as I said. He would become my drug dealer for the next few weeks.

The next morning was Sunday. I got up out of bed determined to go to church. I felt I needed confession and prayed it was a communion day. Guilt was washing over me… I was questioning my sobriety and I was close to tears every second. I recalled my old AA days when some of the AA nazi’s would pound on the table vehemently saying use of any drug nullified their sobriety. I didn’t believe that crap… but I did believe that inappropriate use of a drug was grounds for sobriety interruption. I was about to celebrate 3 years of sobriety and I was wondering… had I used the drugs inappropriately… had I abused them and thus interrupted my sobriety??? We went to church, I had communion and I cried and begged for forgiveness and clarity.

I tortured myself for about two days over this… was I still sober… had I crossed the line??? Here I was getting ready to launch a recovery ministry in Mansfield, Texas on April 7th 2010 – a ministry that has been in the works for over a year and… was I, the ministry leader a fraud? Had I let everyone down… my husband, my kid, my sponsees, my sponsor, myself… God??? Finally it hit me… the devil would love nothing more than for me to question myself and my sobriety to the point of breaking down and quitting the ministry and life style I have grown accustom to. Who cares! My new life is a life of GRACE and LOVE… and in the very moment I recognized I didn’t need the meds for pain, I did exactly what I was supposed to do - I gave them to my husband. I told him I didn’t trust myself. I asked for help.

Well, it turns out I had a bad Gall Bladder. I had it removed on March 19th and everything went perfectly. I have released my husband from his drug dealer duties because I believe with God, I can be okay dealing with the pain and the pain relief.

Before my Gall Bladder surgery but after my 3 year sobriety anniversary, we had a family photo shoot done with SGLY Photography. The pictures turned out INCREDIBLY. Tiffany, the photographer, took some extra time with just me and she captured a great shot of me with my three year sobriety coin. It seems every year right around my sobriety anniversary, something big happens in my life as if the devil were trying to trip me up. I think this whole experience was part of that little idiot’s plan. To me the photoshoot was a celebration of getting through one more of the devil’s schemes. An irony hit me… saying ‘cheese’ is what got those pretty smiles captured on film; a record of joy and achievement. But cheese, Colby to be exact, was also the catalyst to all of the trouble. That’s right, that little piece of cheese I put in my mouth that day was what made my gall bladder finally totally freak out. The pain that cheese caused me makes me wonder if I will ever eat cheese again, but how about I just take it one day at a time instead of swearing it off completely. I am so very thankful for the ability to walk through life one day at a time... with sobriety and with cheese. Thank the Lord, my King!!!

Proud Like Haman

I’d like to tell you a story about a girl I know…

She had a happy life. She was blessed with good health, a nice family, and a pleasing job. She wanted for nothing… her lifestyle wasn’t overly extravagant, but nice. She was very proud to have a 4 bedroom home in a nice neighborhood. She often told her friends about the pool and hot tub in her back yard. She mentioned the wall sized movie projector television in her living room whenever a discussion led her there. She was proud of her game room that housed a full sized pool table. Her biggest source of pride was that her husband had been so smart with their money that they had no debt other than their mortgage.

She had an attractive husband… and smart son. All in all, a good-looking family. It was actually a family she never dreamed she would have since in her mind, good-looking men were out of her league. And motherhood… that was just not something meant for her. But now that she had it all… she was bound and determined to be different… to do this every day married and mommy life in a special and more exciting way than others did it. She was going to rise above the norm and be exceptional.

She worked for a company that found her skills so appealing, they were willing to over-pay her by many thousands of dollars. They even made her a manager. It was the best job she had ever had and she loved going to work every day.

In her spare time, she did plenty of volunteer work. She saw herself as a person who did more for the world than most people. She relished the honors her extra work brought upon her and she shared them with those around her proudly. She saw herself as a person who loved and devoted herself to God more than most people. She thought her relationship with God gave her the right to judge others and she did that often, essentially making decisions for God about who was good and who was bad. With these thoughts, she elevated herself above average and when she looked in the mirror, she saw a person who was doing really great in life. A person who was BETTER than most.

With all of this going for her… she still wasn’t happy. She always wanted just a little bit more. She always felt like the world owed her just a little bit extra. She was racked with jealousy… and if she ever saw someone else getting new, expensive things… a family that was evolving beyond hers… a job or promotion that exceeded her own achievements… or even being publicly rewarded for a good deed, she would turn green with envy. Sadly, she had even plotted against others at times to hold them back even in the tiniest of ways. Some times it was as simple as an unkind “joke” to deflate confidence or maybe even as complicated and cruel as giving a poor score on a managerial review just to keep them from progressing. But even with all those things swirling in her mind and through her hands on a daily basis, she still regarded herself as a highly moral, good and decent Christian gal… better than most.

Well, if you haven’t figured it out already… that girl was me. Most of you reading this that know me, never really fully knew that part of me. It is embarrassing to admit these things, especially to people who mostly only know me as sober, God-loving Wendy. I have no doubt you see a glimmer of it here or there as it is innately (and unfortunately) who I was for many, many years. It is a fight to leave those behaviors behind after living that way for so long. The best word to describe that person is… proud. And yes, I find myself in that proud mindset more often than I’d like to admit. It is by far my biggest struggle, even beyond sobriety.

I found it interesting how closely "old me" resembled Haman, of the Old Testament. He is the villain in the story of Esther. He saw himself as being totally devoted to King Xerxes and made decisions on the King’s behalf, one of which was a plan to kill all the Jews. He boasted of his wealth, his family, the ways he had been honored by his job with the King, and how things he had done had elevated him above others in high standing. He perceived himself as “The Man,” and used trickery to keep himself on top. He ordered the death of a man who was responsible for saving the King’s life and had a special gallows built for his hanging. In the end, his plot was found out. You could say it was through a series of coincidences, but in my mind they were nothing short of God’s nudgings to have His plan unfold with victory for His chosen people. Haman was hanged on his own specially built gallows. To me, this spoke volumes. It is so common for me to dig a big ole’ hole and then fall right in it. The old perception I held of the person I used to be, a good and moral God fearing lady, was so misguided with pride. The truth was, I had never really read the Word of God, I rarely prayed and the only thing I was ever concerned with was myself. Psalm 7:14-16 says, “The wicked conceive evil; they are pregnant with trouble and give birth to lies. They dig a deep pit to trap others, then fall into it themselves. The trouble they make for others backfires on them. The violence they plan falls on their own heads.” I believe God considers this kind of pride a worse state of faith than to have no faith at all. 2 Peter 2:21 backs me up on that, in fact that whole chapter is a good one to read when feeling prideful and superior in my spiritual standing. Proverbs 16:5 says, “The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.”

The story of Haman shows me how a proud beginning leads to a very bitter end. Fortunately, my end had not yet come when I was given the opportunity to accept God’s grace and forgiveness of my past life. Sobriety and working through the 12 step program is what awakened me to who I really had been. After seeing the type of person I had become… I was able to look to God and ask Him who I was really meant to be. Thankfully, He will never give up on me so with each day that passes I can step a little bit closer to that person He has in mind for me. I still (and always will) fight my intrinsic nature of pride and ego though. I’m so glad that God put real people in the Bible, people I can relate to both bad and good. They show me clearly what will happen to me if I choose poorly, they remind me of who I once was and they also give me unimaginable hope as I attempt to walk closer to God. Someone recently accused me in a very negative and condemning manner of having an inflated spiritual attitude… they said, “Wendy, stop trying to be like Jesus!!!!” But what was meant as an insult brought great joy to my heart. After all, isn’t that the point of being a Christian, to try and be more like Christ in all we do??? I know I’ll never achieve it. I know my pride and ego will rear their ugly heads and set me back now and then but at least I’m trying. In the meantime, I will continue to try and simplify things, not need so much, take more joy in quiet giving and humbly offer my experiences to those who ask.

Confessions of an Airport Troublemaker

I learned very early in life about the repercussions of causing trouble at an airport. I recall being immediately yelled at by my father AND several airport employees because I made a very inappropriate joke about a bomb. This was before security was so tight and you could go all the way to the gate with or without a ticket. I was just a little girl then. It’s funny, things have change dramatically since then. After 9-11 I gained a lot more respect for airport security and would never even think about making such a joke.

I've traveled a lot in the last few months (10 flights) and I have collected a few experiences to share.

Bomb in the Bag
I went to Madison, WI for the weekend for a bachelorette party. It was a quick trip so I only just had a small carry on bag. The weekend passed quickly and before long it was time to come home. I always get just a little bit nervous when I go through security. I don't know why since I never have anything to get in trouble for, but I still get a little uptight. I got a little more uptight when several TSA agents were called over to look at the x-ray of my bag. There was a unanimous decision to pull my bag off the belt and do a thorough search. They called me over behind the screen and asked me a bunch of questions before opening the bag. Did you pack your own bag... yes. Has anyone accessed your bag other than you... no. Do you have any weapons in your bag... no. Have you handled any explosives in the last 24 hours... NO! I start to get worried. The last question they asked was... Do you have any candles in your bag? “No, of course not. I have no reason to have a candle.” With rubber gloves in place, the TSA agent sprayed the bag with some special spray then carefully opened the bag. She looked inside then looked at me with funny disgust. I couldn't imagine what she had found... she pulled out a giant candle and said, “I thought you said you didn't have any candles in your bag.” I was mortified... yes... I did have a candle but I wasn't trying to lie. My sister-in-law had given me several gifts right before we left for the airport and I had stuffed them in my bag quickly... the candle was a gift and I had simply forgotten about it. I felt like a moron. The TSA agent put it back in the bag and zipped it up. She informed me that candles look exactly like plastic explosives on the x-ray machine. She kind of laughed at me at that point, which was nice. At least she was kind about it. I went on my way relieved, but completely embarrassed.

Pistol Whipped
Brett and I traveled to VA together to see my parents. We took two suitcases but only checked one because I didn't want to pay the baggage fee for both (they get you coming and going these days). Similar to the last story, my carry on got taken off the belt after a hefty discussion at x-ray but this time the TSA agent was extremely unfriendly. I had Brett with me so you can imagine how dangerous I looked. He asked me repeatedly if I had any weapons in my bag... my answer was a resounding no... at least until he reached into my bag and pulled out a small metal revolver. Yep, I had a gun in my carry on... what an idiot I am!!! In my defense, it was a toy... from my childhood (back when they made guns that looked real) and it was now one of Brett's favorite things to play with when he was playing Pirates. I spoke up to try and tell the TSA agent that the gun was a toy only to be shushed immediately. He looked it over for a good 5 minutes then said in a very serious voice, “You are free to go but I am going to have to confiscate your weapon.” The word confiscate made me kind of chuckle inside but this was surely no laughing matter. I apologized to the agent but he didn't want to hear it. The best part of the story is what Brett said to me as I apologized to him about having to walk away from one of his favorite toys... he looked up at me sweetly and said, “That’s okay mom, I didn't need it anyway.” Awe!!!! So you may be wondering, how the heck did I allow that gun to get in my bag??? Well, let’s just say that I will never ever let Brett pack his own things again... at least without carefully going through it before heading to the airport.

Boarding Pass Foul-up
As I've said, I've traveled a lot in the last months, enough that I have the DFW airport TSA security process down! Once you show your boarding pass and ID to the security officer who checks it, stares at you then marks it with a highlighter then you can put your boarding pass and ID away. They clearly tell you...They don't need to see it when you walk through the metal detector. In fact, sometimes they have a guy standing there just to remind you to put it away. The new thing at DFW is to put your shoes on the belt instead of in a bin. It was on the news and sure enough, this is the new rule. Aside from those times I tried to sneak candle “explosives” and a pistol into my bag, I usually breeze right through security with no problems. I was going through security at the Roanoke, VA airport... my most recent flight. I did what I always do... tucked my boarding pass and ID into my wallet after the TSA agent gave me the once over and checked me off with the official highlighter. I took my shoes off, put them on the belt along with my purse and other carry-on... laptop and mini-tv in a bin. I was all proud of myself for having it all together... no trouble this time – I was sure of it!!! It was my turn to walk through the metal detector and the TSA agent held his hand out to me and said, “I need to see your boarding pass.” Well, duh... it was in my purse which was under the x-ray machine and I told him that. He told me he needed it... I was kind and said something to this effect, “I am so sorry... but you know how it is... each airport is different and usually we don't need it here. I'm sorry.” He got really pissy with me and said, “No!!! Every airport is the exact same. TSA policy is the same across the board! You ALWAYS need your boarding pass here.” He finished his statement with these words... “You are wrong.” My hackles raised, like the hair on the back of an agitated dog, and I thought to myself... I'm gonna get arrested! I took a deep breath, reminded myself that Brett was standing right next to me and I needed to show a good example. I forced a fake smile, bit my tongue and said, “I'm sorry sir.” He allowed me to show it to him after the metal detector and we quickly went on our way. I have to be honest, I was greatly annoyed!!!! I had that “I need a drink” feeling for a nanosecond. I really don't like being told I am wrong (who does) especially when I am in all actuality correct. Maybe TSA policy is the same across the board... but hey... po-dunk Roanoke, VA airport, the airport with a grand total of 12 gates is the only place I have been asked to show my boarding pass at the metal detector in a very long time!!!! I have a feeling DFW might be a little more on top of TSA policy.

As a born sinner, I must accept that no matter how badly I may want to stay on the straight and narrow, I will always fail only to have to deal with the consequences. Sometimes my sins are a result of total forgetfulness (candle in the bag), sometimes I get wrapped up in a sin by mere association but still must accept responsibility for my part (letting a 4 year old pack his own bag), and sometimes it will happen in the midst of trying my best to follow the rules (TSA meany). There is that other kind of sin too... the willful decision to be disobedient. I think I tend to overcomplicate the whole thing though in an attempt to keep score. Inside my head I have a sin demerit chart. Gossip = 15 demerits, dishonesty =30 demerits, missing church = 40 demerits and then there are the big ones... adultery = 90,000 demerits, murder= 100,000 demerits. I don't think I'm right though, in fact I think this is down right wrong (Catholics everywhere are gasping for air). I think I'm missing the point completely. If I could ask God, I believe the truth would be that all my sins carry the same weight no matter what the circumstances are. I don't think He measures them with anything other than a desire for me to recognize them, humbly ask for forgiveness, and “learn & turn” from them. Is it ironic that there are so many rules to follow so we can safely go high up in the sky? Heaven is awaiting... but God doesn't have a crew of TSA agents to put me through the paces and make sure the rules are being followed. That part is up to me – to open myself up to the Spirit as a guide to help me remember, to guide me away from carelessness and even tell me I'm wrong when I deserve it. It's hard being this sinner... but in the wise words of an awesome Christian therapist, all God expects is for me to keep searching for Him... so I’ll just keep trying.

Watered Down

Since Brett’s birth I have planned to make certain he is raised with God in his life. In fact, my son’s birth was one of the reasons my husband and I returned to church after being gone for a time (sound familiar to anyone?). I thought getting him excited about bible stories would be easy but as it turned out, it wasn’t.

I grew up in the church but only came to really understand what being a daughter of the Father was all about 3 years ago. I did an intense yet very interesting bible study a few years ago in which we read the entire bible, cover to cover. I realized something crazy as I went through this process… in almost every case, all those bible stories I was taught as a child had been censored so much that the morals of the stories had been completely left out. The bible just so happens to be one of the most exciting, dangerous, epic, sexy, graphic books ever written – and because of that, many of the stories just aren’t very appropriate for the virginal, protected, delicate ears of children. At the same time, as an adult this made the bible totally relevant to today’s world!!!! For example, I was shocked to read about how Moses, the hand picked man of God who led the Israelites out of captivity and was given the 10 commandments… murdered a guard who was being mean to a guy he knew then hid the evidence. He got caught anyway so instead of facing the music, he ran away. Or how about Kind David, another handpicked man of God, known as the man after God’s own heart. He lustfully committed adultery which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. In an attempt to cover up his error, he had the woman’s husband murdered. Do you think that’s relevant to today at all??? Wow… definitely not a story to tell kids though, huh?

But what about Jonah… how many of you know the real ending to Jonah and whale??? The story doesn’t end when the whale spits him out… there is much more that reveals the real reason for the incident. It shows Jonah as a whiny, jealous, judgmental, disobedient man who learns how loving God really is and utters, “That’s not fair!” when God wants to be merciful to sinners Jonah doesn’t approve of. Now that is a story I can TOTALLY relate to… and you know what, I think our children can too. Don’t you think it would be smart to let our children see the realness of the bible? I think if we are going to let our kids watch today’s television… maybe they can handle the REAL bible but, no… we have to protect them from the word of God… how ironic is that????

As a result, the publishers have created an array of children’s bibles and story books to help parents get kids excited about God but also keep their sweet, innocent, virginal minds safe. I have many versions of many attempts at this but it seems that no matter which method I try, Brett just isn’t interested. It’s like he can see just from the cover art that it’s a boring bible book. I don’t know what it is… but perhaps he is smart enough to know that something is missing. The only way I have found to share bible stories with Brett is to act them out with his toys, and he seems to enjoy that – but its’ WORK!!!!

I found a book at a gift shop a year ago called “The Brick Testament: The Ten Commandments” by Brendan Powell Smith. I bought it because I thought it was hilarious… this guy took scripture and illustrated it with Legos, yes Legos. I never considered sharing it with Brett because it is a little adult, meaning it doesn’t take out the goriness… murder and such. I wasn’t sure it was “appropriate” for his little mind. As I prepared for my recent trip to VA, I came across the book and for some reason decided to throw it in my carry-on. It wasn’t until our plane ride home that I pulled it out of the bag and asked Brett if he wanted to read it with me. I wasn’t sure what he would say since he seems to reject any and all religious books. He looked it over quickly and said, “Sure!” with excitement.

Well, I have never seen this child more excited about a book in my life. I read the scriptures to him then explained the pictures in my own words. Do you know he wanted to keep going and going and going… he remembers that Moses was found in a basket in the river… he knows that Pharaoh made slaves of the Israelites, he knows that God spoke to Moses through the burning bush! He even asked me how God could do such a thing… I explained it was a miracle and God can do whatever He wants and Brett accepted that!!!! So much conversation has come from this book and he keeps asking me to re-read it and read more. I know part of it is that he likes Legos… but I think another part of it is that it isn’t “watered down” for him. It’s the real Word of God and he likes it! I was so excited that I went online to see if there were any more books like this. As it turns out, Mr. Smith has done two more books, “The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis” and “the Brick Testament: The Christmas Story.” I ordered them but found something even more exciting…. he has a website http://www.thebricktestament.com !!! On his website he has gone through the entire bible, telling many of the stories in just the same manner! Of course, we will have to look at them on-line but hey – Brett loves the computer so that is not a problem.

I think so many of us, myself included, have turned our nose up at the bible thinking it is far too boring or scary for us to actually want to read or understand but I’m here to tell you… it’s a very exciting, adult book that leaves you on the edge of your seat. With versions such as “The Message” out there now that make it really easily understood, there is no excuses to let the dust continue to collect. I’m studying Proverbs right now… and everything I’ve ever wanted to know is right there… a guideline to life… all relevant to now, all waiting to be discovered and taken to heart. I plan to base my house rules on Proverbs so when Brett asks me why he has to obey or why he can’t stay out all night I can not only say, “Because I said so…” but also point it out in the Word so he sees that these are God’s laws first and foremost! Of course that requires knowledge on my part so… wish me luck in my endeavor!

As for right now, I’m so glad I have a way to share the bible with Brett that he enjoys… nothing is going to keep me from giving him the real story. No more “watering down” or leaving out the moral of the story for us! I wonder… since God made us to need Him… is it possible that he also made us to intrinsically need the whole story… and thus we are perhaps subconsciously aware and disinterested when the whole story isn’t being told? With God… anything and everything is possible!!!

Responsibility (An Addendum to a T-shirt)

Okay, so in my last article, I talked about the idea of being afraid to “stick out” in a crowd, the fear of being different in society. I asked the question, if I am so able and willing to show the world who my favorite sports team is, why should I be afraid of showing the world that I am a big fan of Jesus? I related the scariness of being in a foreign country to blending in… and then to how we Christians tend to want to blend in to society rather than show the difference He has made in our lives. I talked about my decision to be more diligent in “wearing” my beliefs emotionally and physically… enter my collection of Christian T-shirts…

I have one with a picture of a skunk that says “Sin Stinks… I didn’t do it!” I have one that says “Holy Roller” on a roller skate. I have one that says “Jesus is my BFF” and then there is the black one that has a picture of a stick figure in a fire on the front and on the back says, “Friends don’t let friends go to Hell.”

Yes, I wear them proudly but I felt moved to share a little story with you… a story of a slight blunder I made.

It had been a long day of parenting, one of those days where I was counting the minutes until Brett’s bedtime… he had been challenging, I had been challenging… we just hadn’t had a good day (I’m sure none of you parents out there have any idea what I’m talking about). Well, the bedtime ritual had begun and for some reason my hubby wasn’t home so it was all up to me that night. We had finished brushing teeth after 10 minutes of whining “I don’t like this toothpaste.” We had gone pee-pee after 10 minutes of “but I don’t have to go pee-pee” and we were in the middle of putting PJ’s on after a 15 minute battle about “but I don’t want to wear THOSE pajamas.”

Just as I was helping Brett slide on his blue pajama top (which was the honorable mention choice of sleepwear) the doorbell rang. The dog began barking and all hell broke lose. After a short but apparently not long enough pause, I slowly walked over to the door and opened it.

With Brett at my leg and the dog trapped in the bathroom barking, my eyes fell upon a man I had never seen before. He smiled and said, “Good evening ma’am… My name is John and I’m out here today to see if can help you with your siding needs. We have a great sale going on and I’m ready to offer you a great deal.”

Annoyed… okay… really annoyed I interrupted him and spoke in a tone of voice that would have made satan himself run for cover. I said “I’m not sure if you noticed, but my house is brick… I don’t need any siding. Besides, I am trying to put my son to bed after a really long day.” I looked at my watch and continued, “do you think you could find a better time to walk around bothering people?” He starred at me blankly then began to tell me to have a nice night but I didn’t even let him finish… I turned and slammed the door.

I know, I know… I was a total bitch! To be honest, I felt really bad about the way I had treated him. Almost immediately I realized I hadn’t stopped to think at all before I spoke. My mouth had just gone off on autopilot. I wanted to run down the street to apologize but I was too embarrassed. Worst of all, my son witnessed my horrible behavior. After telling him how wrong it was for me to treat the man that way, I went back to the business of putting Brett to bed and before too long, the house was quiet.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face and stopped to look at myself. I thought, “Well, aren’t you proud of yourself Wendy?” and that’s when I realized something more awful than all of it… I had on my pretty pink t-shirt that says “Love Thy Neighbor” in GIANT letters. Argh… a final stab of forced humility. I imagined the damage I may have done to God’s kingdom with that 5 seconds of unfiltered words. Sure, he was just one man but let’s say he was on the fence between committing to a life with Christ or heading the opposite direction… my actions, coupled with the t-shirt could have very easily made him turn away saying, “and that’s why I can’t stand Christians!” He was merely trying to make some wages… he was doing his job… and quite kindly I must say.

Dear mister siding sales guy – I am really sorry for being so horrible to you… and no… Christians aren’t supposed to act that way… but we aren’t perfect either, which I suppose is the point of our Christianity. We need forgiveness for our thoughtlessness and cruelty. You didn’t deserve the way I acted and I pray that wherever you are, God will put the right person in front of you to show you the way Jesus means us to live. I humbly ask for your forgiveness.

The moral of the story here is that my Christian t-shirts should have come with an official, legal contract which clearly states that the wearer of said t-shirt promises to conduct themselves in the proper manner while wearing and since the store didn’t provide me with such a document, it is really not my fault. Just kidding… the moral of the story is that all Christians make mistakes…but when I choose to step out into society, claiming Jesus as the Way, the Truth and the Light… I do have a responsibility to do my best to wear Him in a way that actually shows the world His light. There’s already enough darkness out there.