Random Girl

Want to know some random stuff about me? Well... if so, here ya go! I used this info for some contests I did and thought I would just put it out here on my blog too. I'm just a girl with a lot of baggage... but God loves me anyway! Enjoy getting to know me!

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I was born and raised in Martinsville, VA. I moved to Delaware in my teens and lived there until I moved to Germany to follow love (stupid, stupid girl). I returned to Delaware several years later where I later met my husband. We moved to Texas with a job transfer in 2003. In 2010, we moved to Wisconsin to be closer to my husband’s family.

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I was a HORRIBLE student! HORRIBLE, especially in English. I always thought I was stupid because no matter how hard I studied, I could only manage C’s and D’s. It wasn’t until my early 30’s when I was diagnosed with severe ADHD that I realized… I’m not stupid… I just have the attention span of a mentally challenged flea. In addition, I have an auditory processing disorder I was unaware of. Basically, when I hear words, my brain takes a very long time to process them. Sometimes as long as an hour or two. Imagine trying to listen in class LOL! Even on medication, I still struggle with these issues. It is not rare for me to stare blankly at my husband as he speaks then twenty minutes later shout excitedly from another room…. “Oh...I know what you said now!”

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When I was 10 years old, I was hit by a car head-on while riding my bike. I sustained major facial injuries including my face being ripped apart requiring over 100 stitches and my jaw being broken in five places. To top it off, I landed in a patch of poison ivy. Yeah, that was a bad day. In the years following the accident, I had many plastic surgeries to correct the damage to my face. As a child I misunderstood my parent’s motivations for all the plastic surgeries thinking they were embarrassed of the way I looked when in reality, my entire family sacrificed a lot to make those surgeries happen (all but the first were considered optional). They went forward with surgery after surgery so I could have as normal of a life as possible. For this reason, I encourage you to have open discussions with your children about things like this. Something that seems logical to you may not be seen the same way through the eyes of a child. Today I am so thankful for that sacrifice! The scars are barely noticeable to most everyone but me :)

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When I was a teen, I don’t know why but I had a feeling I was not going to live long enough to graduate from high school. The day of my graduation was a big deal to me because of that. Later in life I decided I was never going to get married, have children, or live anywhere cold again. After dating several men with alcohol and drug problems, I swore I would never be like them. Ironically, I am a recovering alcoholic who currently lives in Wisconsin with my husband and kids. After having a horrible pregnancy with my son, I swore I would NEVER have another child… ever. So when I found out I was pregnant at 40 with my next child, I gave God a dirty look and said, “Fine… but if I HAVE to do this, You will give me another boy!” A few weeks later we found out it was a girl. *sigh* (you can laugh… it’s funny). It seems whenever I put a “never” in place, God needs to show me who is REALLY in charge. A year ago, I was watching House Hunters International and they were doing a show in India. I looked at my husband and said, “I will NEVER live in India!” Quickly I rephrased, “I mean, I really don’t ever want to live in India… please.” Yeah… ‘never’ is a bad word in my world!

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I am a very proud recovering alcoholic! I was a functioning alcoholic beginning around the age of 23 and had no idea I had an issue. I thought everyone drank the way I did; early in the morning, all night, never getting enough, never having a hang-over, and always in fear of the bottom of the bottle. I hit rock bottom and got sober in 2007 and will be celebrating my 9th year of sobriety on February 27th this year. My book “As Is” is a fictionalized account of my life as an alcoholic and how I found recovery. I am always willing to discuss this part of my life and process to healing so if you have any questions - please… I’m an open book.

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I struggle with a few mental  disorders - chronic depression, bipolar disorder, and an undefined chemical imbalance which was caused by a medical mistake (I used to have a lot of anger over this doctor’s error in treating me but I have since worked through it, thankfully). I take medication that helps me have a relatively normal life but even on meds I have “episodes” that can not be stopped. I am open about these things for the purpose of educating others to show mental illness is not something you have to be afraid of. If you ever have any questions about mental illness, I’m more than happy to chat!

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I have been in six car accidents, 3 were totally my fault and 3 were someone else’s fault. My adhd medication helps me be a more attentive driver but I have to make the choice to pay attention, and sometimes I forget. My cell phone is very distracting to me when I drive so I have begun to turn the ringer off and put it at the bottom of my purse when I am at the wheel.

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I once lived in a house built in 1802. It was haunted but not in a scary way. The ghost was a little boy who enjoyed my toy collection and would move things around. I also started collecting Pez dispensers at the age of 21. I have over 800 now. Another thing I collect is Lego houses. My daughter recently got into my Lego collection and took them all apart, mixing up all the pieces of each set. It took me DAYS to fix. I am a child at heart, I believe because my childhood was a bit non-typical as a result of the accident. I wasn’t able to be “playful” back then… so I am now.

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My first real job was in high school. I was a cashier at a CVS in the local mall. During college, I had a summer job as a valet at the local horse race. I was a nanny for an American military family while I lived in Germany (that was a total blessing). When I returned to the United States, I got a job as a legal document analyst for Ernst & Young which led to a job as a payroll accountant at a local CPA firm. I worked my way up the corporate ladder becoming a payroll tax accountant, then payroll tax manager at 7 Eleven Corp. When I got pregnant with my son, I decided to be a stay-home mom which I thought was going to be easy… LOL… it was actually the hardest job I’ve ever done. When my son started school, I began working for myself as a digital designer which I still do on the side a little bit. My official jump into being a full-time indie author was in January 2014. I became a full-time author with a publisher (Maven Christian) in October 2015. 30 Below is our first official release together as a team!

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I had decided to stop looking for a man after dating someone I really liked a lot and having him confess he was still in love with his ex. But God had a different idea… Ryan was put before my eyes in March 2001, only a two months after my break up and to be honest, I wasn’t all that interested at first. I was gun-shy and Ryan was the total opposite of every guy I had ever really cared about… blonde, blue-eyed, and quiet - I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. It occurred to me that all my other relationships hadn’t worked out… so why not try the opposite? We began dating and fell in love rather quickly. He was the first guy to stand up to me when I got a little nuts (pre-diagnosis) and I found that sexy. He was also the only guy I ever dated who had extraordinary patience… and he liked my annoying dog. He has always treated me with kindness and respect, even when I don’t deserve it. We got engaged in Oct 2002 and were married fairly quickly in May 2003. Our son, Brett, was born in 2005… then our surprise daughter was born in 2012. Yeah… we’re gonna be like 80 when she graduates from college - haha.

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I am blessed to have several really good friends who I know are the real deal. Some of them are even just Facebook friends I have never met in person like Sara Preston and Lisa Angel Miller. A few of them are people I have met here on FB but have also met in person like Virginia Johnson and Nicole Stromath. I have a few from my adolescence that have known me through all my life changes and still love me anyway, like Jennifer Carlson and Stephanie Lorenzana. I have a couple here in the town I currently reside in who I have come to rely on often, like Britta Brossard and Stacie Houge. All of these women are AMAZING - true friends who I know I can count on even at 3 in the morning (and hopefully they feel that is mutual). To say I’m blessed in the friend department is an understatement because, let me tell you, it took me years to figure out what makes a real friendship really work. Time. Yep, that’s what it takes. Time, patience, and awareness. People show me who they are naturally through their actions (and I show them the same in return)… all I have to do is pay attention. My BESTEST friend in the world (not counting my husband) is actually a guy... his name is Garry and we have been through many things together. I love him to pieces… but he is an ass. Maybe that’s why we get along so well. I might be one too. :)

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I am ‘officially’ a Lutheran. Born into a Lutheran family but as a child, I never understood what that meant. Lutheran was just a word to me that didn’t mean much. I attended a Baptist church in college and was interested in LDS at one point due to their clean lifestyle. As an adult, I began attending a Methodist church which I enjoyed greatly, so much that I joined a very intense Bible study where we read the entire Bible in six months. It was then I began to realize… I’m not Lutheran or Baptist or LDS or Methodist… I’m a Christian. While I do currently attend a Lutheran church, I am often extremely frustrated by denomination politics. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone… no matter who they are, no matter what they believe, and no matter how flawed they are. Communion is for all believers, and can even be the catalyst to bring a non-believer into the fold so I believe withholding it from people for denominational reasons is a huge mistake. Baptism… infant vs adult? Who knows? Jesus was an adult when He was baptized, yet He baptized children… I dunno!  I say talk it out with God and go with what He says to you personally, not what a particular church says. I could care less about the minutiae. I was once called a “whore” by someone who claimed to be religious and was upset with me about writing an affair in a book. Really? God is against adultery but it’s okay for you to call me a whore? Whatever.

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My first book DESCO came from a dream - it was an awful book and I took it out of circulation! All the rest of my books have been created from a mix of my life experiences, knowledge of the Bible, and my imagination… although God seems to just give me words and rarely do I know where they are coming from. It has to be Him.

AS IS is based on my experience as an alcoholic.

I based my main character in 30 BELOW on myself as a person with mental illness & wrote the book because I don’t think sex is discussed enough properly. I have struggled with sexual dysfunction most of my life and I wanted to show my readers why it’s important to do things in a certain order… to protect your heart.

My book ABOVE 60 was written in response to God deciding I needed a second child when I didn’t want one. Nope… didn’t want one at all! But He knew the plan. I’m just along for the ride. In addition, I wanted to give the reader an example of a truly magical intimate marriage and how beautiful sex can be.

My book 360 DEGREES was written because marriage is hard! I know first hand that sometimes you have to CHOOSE to love instead of quit. Pushing past the bad leads to the better.

My short story LITTLE BLACK DRESS which is included in the book BIRDS OF PASSAGE is based on my own personal experience of losing my virginity and the impact that decision had on my life.

SEEDS… is loosely based on the parable of the Seeds and the Sower from the Bible, I was also in a serious relationship with a porn and sex addict. I feel sexual sin in society needs to be discussed and stop being ignored. It’s only getting worse.

CONCEPTIONS… my next new release, was written to share my personal experiences with unplanned pregnancy and the effects of the decisions made. It is my hope that women who are faced with this, as well as women who have already gone through it can find hope and healing through my book.

Not a Hallmark Moment

I don’t even really know how to start this story... but I guess I’ve got to start somewhere. As you probably know, Ryan and I moved to Wisconsin this last October. We have been really happy with our decision so far and have found many positives to this cross-country relocation from Texas.  Brett is thriving at his new school and is being challenged in ways he would not have been otherwise. We love our new house and have even really enjoyed the weather. It’s kind of nice to not be sweating constantly.

One of the positives that came with this move was when I began having a repeat of intestinal symptoms from last summer, a completely new set of doctor eyes and ears began to care for me. With those new eyes and ears came some different tests and in the end... a brand new, very specific, very real diagnosis for my problems that was based on a simple test not one of my doctors in Texas ever thought to order; a sonogram. Turns out, my digestive problems were not a result of cryptic IBS or the result of me “maybe” having Celiac disease as my previous doctors had best guessed. No, my problems are due to the giant tumor I have growing on my left ovary which is obstructing my large intestines. And my chronic abdominal pains are a result of a large fibroid tumor in my uterus... which by the way was causing a lot of other problems too. Wow... all the testing of the last year and a half and no one ever thought to look for that. It sort of blows my mind. None-the-less, I was ecstatic to have a real answer finally... and a real plan to fixing the problem.

After several opinions, I settled on the plan to have the tumors removed in surgery. With the size and placement of my tumors as well as the great possibility I am also suffering from endometriosis, I decided to go ahead and have a hysterectomy in which the doctor would do her best to make sure I ended up with at least one ovary intact. My surgery was scheduled for May 2nd and I couldn’t wait to get this over with!!! Praise the Lord, I was going to be free at last!

The Friday night before my surgery, April 27th, I had a dream that stuck with me. I dreamed that during surgery, the doctor ran into a complication and things became dangerous for me. I told Ryan about the dream in the morning and told him I wanted to do my best to make sure nothing like that would really happen.

A few conversations with my doctor and a blood test later, what happened in my dream was confirmed. It was my worst nightmare and it was true. Surgery for May 2nd needed to be cancelled because, just like in my dream... I was pregnant.

I couldn’t even try to make this up - I mean, there is a reason Hallmark doesn’t have a card that says “Sorry the hysterectomy to get rid of your painful tumors didn’t work out but congrats on your pregnancy.” Hallmark, if you decide to add that card, be sure to put it in the sympathy section.

I cried. I’m turning 40 this year. I have never had a desire to have another child... NEVER. I am not one of those women who loved pregnancy. I am also not one of those women who got tricked into having another baby because she forgot what being pregnant was like... no... I will never forget the hell of my pregnancy. I don’t deal with nausea well, I don’t have a ton of patience, I’m thrilled to have potty training done and over with. I’m glad I’m not a mother of a preschooler any longer. Ugh... really God? Pregnant? Me? What kind of cruel joke was this?

I got mad... livid. My body had been hijacked again. The little leech inside me was going to take all the good stuff and leave me with the leftovers for 8 months. The nausea, this time with vomiting was going to make it difficult for me to have much desire to do anything. I was going to have to stop taking all the medications that had been keeping me sane for the last few years... goodbye hormonal balance, goodbye ADHD relief, goodbye easy sleep. I had to give up the things that were good for my emotional health so I could protect the leech. LIVID. Did I mention, I’m turning 40 this year?

I yelled at God for this cruel irony and used a few curse words too. I told Him if He wanted me to be happy about this He needed to give me a very clear... crystal clear sign that this was what He wanted. At my sonogram I found out my due date is Christmas day 2012. Really God... my baby will be welcomed to the world on the same day Jesus was born? Turns out this "sign" made me even more mad.

My doctor talked things through with me. It was made clear to me that I certainly had the option of terminating this pregnancy. I mean, who could fault me for doing such a thing when I have a tumor that is blocking my intestines and chronic pain due to a fibroid the size of my fist. This wasn’t planned... wasn’t my physical safety at risk here? Was my emotional sanity at risk if I went off my meds? I’m almost 40 which increased my risk factors (not sure I mentioned that yet). Geez. Seemed pretty cut and dry... if there was one time in life to consider being selfish, it was now. It was justifiable medically too... bonus. My turmoil seemed to lessen slightly. I felt peace might be around the corner.

Well, I was wrong. The more I contemplated the possibility of terminating, the more torn up I felt, even if it did seem medically justified. The more I realized I wanted it to go away, the more angry I became and then when the doctor told me... I was going to have to go to an abortion clinic in Madison to have a consultation if that was my choice... I was back to LIVID. I knew there was no way I could walk through those doors... NO WAY. I felt like an animal trapped in a cage, with a leech. Oh, and I'm turning 40 this year.

I called a dear friend in a crazed, angry, rant. She listened and she sympathized... but she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. Instead she spoke truth. She said many wise things but the most powerful of all of them was "God never makes mistakes," and “God creates all life.” As a person who struggles with intimacy, I wondered if the devil was really trying to screw me up by making me regret my progress with intimacy by making me pregnant. Being reminded that God is solely responsible for the creation of life was key.

In a later conversation with my doctor, I was told that the medical risks to my life with this pregnancy were fairly low. The pregnancy hormones would undoubtedly cause my fibroids to grow quickly and I would have even more discomfort. I would also have more of the same intestinal difficulties I had already been having, probably worse, but there was no life threatening risk to me. The big risk was to the baby. The baby only has a 50/50 chance of being born alive. With my age and the fibroids, lots of things could go wrong. I could miscarry at any time... next week, tomorrow, 3 days before due date. The funniest thought came to me... “I should terminate because its best for the baby.” What? You might not live so lets just kill you... that makes a lot of sense. I knew without doubt after that conversation with my doctor, I was going to be pregnant for awhile. I would be pregnant as long as God thought I needed to be... and that just might mean for 8 more months.

As mad as I have been at God lately, I have known deep inside that my faith would not be moved. I’ll be honest and say I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want to have another baby, I don’t want to do this whole thing over again at the age of 40... but I don’t want to have tumors blocking my intestines or chronic pain from fibroids either. I certainly don’t want all of that mixed together - plus nausea and vomiting - but here I am living a life full of “I don’t want this” and I’m okay.

My friend told me that the reason I got so mad was that I knew there was no way I would choose termination, even though that would have been my “easy” way out. I have to agree with her. She also said that what is happening in my life right now is proof positive that God’s promise to never let us go can be counted on. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that at first, but I’m starting to get it.

When I turned to God and gave myself to Him years ago, He did promise He would never let me go. It would be really easy for me to look at these circumstances and only focus on the feeling that God is square in the middle of letting me go because I am not getting what I want. But, if I choose to look deeper I can see His promise being fulfilled. He hasn’t let me go at all, in fact He has such a good grip on me that He absolutely will not let me turn from Him by making a mistake I will most assuredly regret. He has installed the Spirit within me so strongly and placed the right people around me so perfectly that I am not able to follow my flesh, I must follow Him, even though it’s not at all what I want. If that isn’t His promise being upheld, I don’t know what is.

I have a feeling I know what God is after from me right now in this situation and He has put me in a place where I do not have a choice but to choose what He wants for me. Well played God. I guess when I asked You to help me break free from the things that hold me back from You I should have put a non-pregnancy disclaimer in there (not that it would have mattered). I guess it’s true, be careful what you ask for... especially when you’re asking for it from God.

The one thing I have liked about this experience is the amount of understanding and support I have received from the people who know me best. I am amazed at how God has shown me in the last few years how to not only be a better friend, but how to choose better friends and uphold appropriate boundaries that keep a friendship strong. I never thought I would deserve to have such quality people in my life... but I see now that I do because I have learned how to be that back. I want to thank all of you who have had such encouraging and understanding words for me in this tough time.

I have already decided what I want to name our new daughter... yes, I "know" it will be a girl because I am much more comfortable with boys so therefore God must make it be a girl. But the baby name is a whole other story... you'll have wait for that one. In the meantime, I'd appreciate any prayers for my family... for us to have peace with however this ends up... and if you could sneak one in requesting relief from my nausea - that would be great too. Thanks for reading.