Random Girl

Want to know some random stuff about me? Well... if so, here ya go! I used this info for some contests I did and thought I would just put it out here on my blog too. I'm just a girl with a lot of baggage... but God loves me anyway! Enjoy getting to know me!

*****

I was born and raised in Martinsville, VA. I moved to Delaware in my teens and lived there until I moved to Germany to follow love (stupid, stupid girl). I returned to Delaware several years later where I later met my husband. We moved to Texas with a job transfer in 2003. In 2010, we moved to Wisconsin to be closer to my husband’s family.

*****

I was a HORRIBLE student! HORRIBLE, especially in English. I always thought I was stupid because no matter how hard I studied, I could only manage C’s and D’s. It wasn’t until my early 30’s when I was diagnosed with severe ADHD that I realized… I’m not stupid… I just have the attention span of a mentally challenged flea. In addition, I have an auditory processing disorder I was unaware of. Basically, when I hear words, my brain takes a very long time to process them. Sometimes as long as an hour or two. Imagine trying to listen in class LOL! Even on medication, I still struggle with these issues. It is not rare for me to stare blankly at my husband as he speaks then twenty minutes later shout excitedly from another room…. “Oh...I know what you said now!”

*****

When I was 10 years old, I was hit by a car head-on while riding my bike. I sustained major facial injuries including my face being ripped apart requiring over 100 stitches and my jaw being broken in five places. To top it off, I landed in a patch of poison ivy. Yeah, that was a bad day. In the years following the accident, I had many plastic surgeries to correct the damage to my face. As a child I misunderstood my parent’s motivations for all the plastic surgeries thinking they were embarrassed of the way I looked when in reality, my entire family sacrificed a lot to make those surgeries happen (all but the first were considered optional). They went forward with surgery after surgery so I could have as normal of a life as possible. For this reason, I encourage you to have open discussions with your children about things like this. Something that seems logical to you may not be seen the same way through the eyes of a child. Today I am so thankful for that sacrifice! The scars are barely noticeable to most everyone but me :)

*****

When I was a teen, I don’t know why but I had a feeling I was not going to live long enough to graduate from high school. The day of my graduation was a big deal to me because of that. Later in life I decided I was never going to get married, have children, or live anywhere cold again. After dating several men with alcohol and drug problems, I swore I would never be like them. Ironically, I am a recovering alcoholic who currently lives in Wisconsin with my husband and kids. After having a horrible pregnancy with my son, I swore I would NEVER have another child… ever. So when I found out I was pregnant at 40 with my next child, I gave God a dirty look and said, “Fine… but if I HAVE to do this, You will give me another boy!” A few weeks later we found out it was a girl. *sigh* (you can laugh… it’s funny). It seems whenever I put a “never” in place, God needs to show me who is REALLY in charge. A year ago, I was watching House Hunters International and they were doing a show in India. I looked at my husband and said, “I will NEVER live in India!” Quickly I rephrased, “I mean, I really don’t ever want to live in India… please.” Yeah… ‘never’ is a bad word in my world!

*****

I am a very proud recovering alcoholic! I was a functioning alcoholic beginning around the age of 23 and had no idea I had an issue. I thought everyone drank the way I did; early in the morning, all night, never getting enough, never having a hang-over, and always in fear of the bottom of the bottle. I hit rock bottom and got sober in 2007 and will be celebrating my 9th year of sobriety on February 27th this year. My book “As Is” is a fictionalized account of my life as an alcoholic and how I found recovery. I am always willing to discuss this part of my life and process to healing so if you have any questions - please… I’m an open book.

*****

I struggle with a few mental  disorders - chronic depression, bipolar disorder, and an undefined chemical imbalance which was caused by a medical mistake (I used to have a lot of anger over this doctor’s error in treating me but I have since worked through it, thankfully). I take medication that helps me have a relatively normal life but even on meds I have “episodes” that can not be stopped. I am open about these things for the purpose of educating others to show mental illness is not something you have to be afraid of. If you ever have any questions about mental illness, I’m more than happy to chat!

*****

I have been in six car accidents, 3 were totally my fault and 3 were someone else’s fault. My adhd medication helps me be a more attentive driver but I have to make the choice to pay attention, and sometimes I forget. My cell phone is very distracting to me when I drive so I have begun to turn the ringer off and put it at the bottom of my purse when I am at the wheel.

*****

I once lived in a house built in 1802. It was haunted but not in a scary way. The ghost was a little boy who enjoyed my toy collection and would move things around. I also started collecting Pez dispensers at the age of 21. I have over 800 now. Another thing I collect is Lego houses. My daughter recently got into my Lego collection and took them all apart, mixing up all the pieces of each set. It took me DAYS to fix. I am a child at heart, I believe because my childhood was a bit non-typical as a result of the accident. I wasn’t able to be “playful” back then… so I am now.

*****

My first real job was in high school. I was a cashier at a CVS in the local mall. During college, I had a summer job as a valet at the local horse race. I was a nanny for an American military family while I lived in Germany (that was a total blessing). When I returned to the United States, I got a job as a legal document analyst for Ernst & Young which led to a job as a payroll accountant at a local CPA firm. I worked my way up the corporate ladder becoming a payroll tax accountant, then payroll tax manager at 7 Eleven Corp. When I got pregnant with my son, I decided to be a stay-home mom which I thought was going to be easy… LOL… it was actually the hardest job I’ve ever done. When my son started school, I began working for myself as a digital designer which I still do on the side a little bit. My official jump into being a full-time indie author was in January 2014. I became a full-time author with a publisher (Maven Christian) in October 2015. 30 Below is our first official release together as a team!

*****

I had decided to stop looking for a man after dating someone I really liked a lot and having him confess he was still in love with his ex. But God had a different idea… Ryan was put before my eyes in March 2001, only a two months after my break up and to be honest, I wasn’t all that interested at first. I was gun-shy and Ryan was the total opposite of every guy I had ever really cared about… blonde, blue-eyed, and quiet - I wasn’t sure how I felt about him. It occurred to me that all my other relationships hadn’t worked out… so why not try the opposite? We began dating and fell in love rather quickly. He was the first guy to stand up to me when I got a little nuts (pre-diagnosis) and I found that sexy. He was also the only guy I ever dated who had extraordinary patience… and he liked my annoying dog. He has always treated me with kindness and respect, even when I don’t deserve it. We got engaged in Oct 2002 and were married fairly quickly in May 2003. Our son, Brett, was born in 2005… then our surprise daughter was born in 2012. Yeah… we’re gonna be like 80 when she graduates from college - haha.

*****

I am blessed to have several really good friends who I know are the real deal. Some of them are even just Facebook friends I have never met in person like Sara Preston and Lisa Angel Miller. A few of them are people I have met here on FB but have also met in person like Virginia Johnson and Nicole Stromath. I have a few from my adolescence that have known me through all my life changes and still love me anyway, like Jennifer Carlson and Stephanie Lorenzana. I have a couple here in the town I currently reside in who I have come to rely on often, like Britta Brossard and Stacie Houge. All of these women are AMAZING - true friends who I know I can count on even at 3 in the morning (and hopefully they feel that is mutual). To say I’m blessed in the friend department is an understatement because, let me tell you, it took me years to figure out what makes a real friendship really work. Time. Yep, that’s what it takes. Time, patience, and awareness. People show me who they are naturally through their actions (and I show them the same in return)… all I have to do is pay attention. My BESTEST friend in the world (not counting my husband) is actually a guy... his name is Garry and we have been through many things together. I love him to pieces… but he is an ass. Maybe that’s why we get along so well. I might be one too. :)

*****

I am ‘officially’ a Lutheran. Born into a Lutheran family but as a child, I never understood what that meant. Lutheran was just a word to me that didn’t mean much. I attended a Baptist church in college and was interested in LDS at one point due to their clean lifestyle. As an adult, I began attending a Methodist church which I enjoyed greatly, so much that I joined a very intense Bible study where we read the entire Bible in six months. It was then I began to realize… I’m not Lutheran or Baptist or LDS or Methodist… I’m a Christian. While I do currently attend a Lutheran church, I am often extremely frustrated by denomination politics. As a Christian, I am called to love everyone… no matter who they are, no matter what they believe, and no matter how flawed they are. Communion is for all believers, and can even be the catalyst to bring a non-believer into the fold so I believe withholding it from people for denominational reasons is a huge mistake. Baptism… infant vs adult? Who knows? Jesus was an adult when He was baptized, yet He baptized children… I dunno!  I say talk it out with God and go with what He says to you personally, not what a particular church says. I could care less about the minutiae. I was once called a “whore” by someone who claimed to be religious and was upset with me about writing an affair in a book. Really? God is against adultery but it’s okay for you to call me a whore? Whatever.

*****

My first book DESCO came from a dream - it was an awful book and I took it out of circulation! All the rest of my books have been created from a mix of my life experiences, knowledge of the Bible, and my imagination… although God seems to just give me words and rarely do I know where they are coming from. It has to be Him.

AS IS is based on my experience as an alcoholic.

I based my main character in 30 BELOW on myself as a person with mental illness & wrote the book because I don’t think sex is discussed enough properly. I have struggled with sexual dysfunction most of my life and I wanted to show my readers why it’s important to do things in a certain order… to protect your heart.

My book ABOVE 60 was written in response to God deciding I needed a second child when I didn’t want one. Nope… didn’t want one at all! But He knew the plan. I’m just along for the ride. In addition, I wanted to give the reader an example of a truly magical intimate marriage and how beautiful sex can be.

My book 360 DEGREES was written because marriage is hard! I know first hand that sometimes you have to CHOOSE to love instead of quit. Pushing past the bad leads to the better.

My short story LITTLE BLACK DRESS which is included in the book BIRDS OF PASSAGE is based on my own personal experience of losing my virginity and the impact that decision had on my life.

SEEDS… is loosely based on the parable of the Seeds and the Sower from the Bible, I was also in a serious relationship with a porn and sex addict. I feel sexual sin in society needs to be discussed and stop being ignored. It’s only getting worse.

CONCEPTIONS… my next new release, was written to share my personal experiences with unplanned pregnancy and the effects of the decisions made. It is my hope that women who are faced with this, as well as women who have already gone through it can find hope and healing through my book.

The Crack

I'm a writer of Christian fiction... but not your average CF. No, my stories include sex, language, and real life situations that are relevant to today's world. The reason it is Christian is because I allow my characters to work through these issues in a Christian (or what I consider simply moral) manner as an example to society. I do this without shoving God at anyone. I feel I base the responses of my characters on basic morals... which in my life just so happen to be Christian.

I was picked up by a publisher called Maven Christian at the end of 2015. Since then we have been working hard at setting the groundwork for re-releasing all of my books and getting some new ones out there. I feel so blessed to be backed by people who are on the same page with me... they get what I'm doing and they support it full-force. Sex and all! It's amazing!

I've been pouring hours into a project lately that has been a lot of fun. I am doing something that to my knowledge has not been done before. My book 30 Below is going to be re-released soon and it will be perma-free for Kindle users. My project is that I am reading my book in a YouTube series - for free. This means that anyone with a computer can listen to my book - for free. Instead of it being an audio-book that is purchased, it is a streaming feed - for free - and you get the bonus of seeing my beautiful face and hearing my calm soothing voice (*cough* *cough*). I'm super excited about releasing these but they will have to wait for the official re-release of the book.

I've been loading the episodes on YouTube as private (so no one can see them yet) as I get them finished. I am up to episode 10 which is about 35% of the book. With the commentary I add at the end of each episode, the listening time is about 5 hours. When you add in the editing and grunt work of creating the video I'd say I have put an additional 90 minutes into it. Everything was going fine until the other day when I got a notice from YouTube stating they removed one of my episodes for inappropriate content. I was FLOORED. I went back and reviewed the episode to try and determine what was inappropriate about it. Yes, the book contains sex, it is ABOUT sex... love and sex and why God wants us to wait for marriage... but that particular section didn't have any sex in it. It had implied sex and the worst words were "wet" and "gratifying". I appealed the removal with the promise that all my videos would be marked as age-restricted and to my pleasure, they re-instated the video. Phew.

Today I put two new episodes up on YouTube and soon after, I received another notice from YouTube saying they removed another episode for inappropriate content. I marked is as age-restricted when I loaded it - so that wasn't it. So I went back and reviewed the episode. There was no sex or even implied sex, nothing that would be considered racy or wrong in any way. There weren't even any curse words. I don't get it! The things that are on television every night are far worse than my story. I seriously... am at a loss.

This was my second take-down so I received 1 strike against my account. If I get more, they can remove my channel from YouTube then all the work I have done is for nothing. I am trying to put some hope back into society - to help reinstate some morals that have been missing in our entertainment for far too long. It's like societies good sense and moral decency has gotten cracked so badly that we don't even distinguish right from wrong anymore. I wonder, does YouTube have something against morals? Do they enjoy making the crack bigger? Maybe they only want to put things out that are sure to make the crack bigger?

Here's the thing that KILLS me... as a writer of my type of Christian fiction I fall INTO this wonderful crack. On one side of the crevice are the hard core Christians who hate what I am doing and call my work "of the devil" and "soft porn" because they are offended by it. On the other side of the crack are the people who see the word "Christian" and make an assumption that it will be judgy, boring, unrealistic, and/or opinionated to the point they will no doubt be offended by it. And there I am looking up at the light from the bottom of the abyss... being passed over, ignored, and, yes, I get my share of hate mail - mostly from Christians (which I find hilarious). All the while, the moral integrity of our world is breaking down, crumbling beneath our feet and people don't even notice it.

Sometimes I just want to go hide under a rock down at the bottom of that pit and say "Forget it!"  I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and some days I am just tired of the fight. But, God gave me this mission, the talent, and the right people to partner with me so I have no choice but to do my best to see it through. I've been at this for over a year and a half now, I've done a lot of hard work, I've written 6 books and there are more on the way... but I don't have a lot to show for it... yet.  I know God will make things happen in the right timing and I just have to be patient.

So, go ahead hard-core Christians... send me your hate mail. I will continue to post it on my blog entitled "Hate Mail From Christians" as you too deserve to be heard. And go ahead YouTube - keep removing my content and giving me strikes... hell, remove my whole channel... I'll find another way to make it happen - why? Because it's God's will and nothing can stop that - even well meaning Christians and website "Community Guidelines". The world has always been cracked... from the moment of the bite of the apple and I'm not delusional enough to think I have enough caulk or grout to fix it... but what I can do is try to bridge the gap a little... and I suppose that's why I feel like I'm in the crack... because I am. To tell the truth, as hard as it is, there is no place I'd rather be.

They Don't Have the Genre I Need

I made a new cover for my book "30 Below" and oh how I love it. It says everything I want it to say!!!! A big shout out to Pastor Matthew Noyce in Antigua for allowing me to use his ring picture! THANK YOU!!!!

But on with the story.... yesterday I was prepping for the release of my new book by getting it signed up for Pre-Order status on Kindle. I was super excited to do this... until... I had to pick my genre categories. Ugh. Let me share with you how it went down in my little ole head...

Before I begin - here is a reminder of what the content warning says:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Fiction. Yes, it is definitely fiction... click
   Christian. Yes, it is about God's plan & He did ask me to write it... click
       General. The best choice for what's left. Too bad they don't have an EDGY category... click

Hmmmm... do I really want to put this book in Christian fiction? I don't know? Do I? I mean it has that content warning so my hate mail will be reduced... but maybe because of the content warning no Christian fiction readers will buy it. Then I will feel like a loser because no one is going to buy my book.

(delete genre categories... start over)

Fiction. Yes it is still definitely fiction... click
   Romance. Yes, it is about love and sex... click
       Erotica. Hmmm, is it erotica? It has a lot of sex but is it erotica???  DELETE
       General. That is safe... click

Hmmmm... Do I really want to remove the Christian aspect of it in my genre? I mean I am writing this for the Lord. If I remove that am I some how not showing my pride in doing this for Him? Am I backing off what I believe? It does have that content warning... so I am telling people it is about God and the write up clearly states this is about God. I'm good with that. I'm not backing down. But wait... the average romance reader is probably not going to want a lesson about God mixed in with their sex. They won't buy my book, they will think they are going to be condemned. Maybe I should remove the part of the content warning that says it's about God... but it is about God. I can't remove it! I'm not condemning anybody at all... it's just a story about love, sex and God's design. A hot story, yes. Hmmmm.... 

(delete genre categories... start over)

Fiction. Yes, this is one thing I know for sure... click
   Christian. Yes, God wants Christians to read this...
                  but I might get hate mail. I can't handle hate mail,
                  but maybe He wants other people to read it too DELETE
   Romance. Yes, God wants typical readers to read this...
                  but they might get mad, not wanting to hear about God's plan
                  but it's in the write up so they can choose if they want to buy it or not

Crap. Nobody is going to buy this book. Not the Christians, not the average romance reader. Nobody. Why did I even write it? Forget it. Maybe this was a bad idea... meshing a Christian message with a sexy, love book. Who do I think I am???

Hmmmm... remember that weekend when my husband and I went away and wanted to read a good steamy book together? We did a search for 'hot, romantic book with married couple'.  Remember how many books were returned in that search? ZERO!!!! And I don't think it's because married Christians aren't reading sexy books... it's just that no one has written a sexy Christian book about marriage. I mean the world thinks marriage is the end of sex. And a lot of Christians think sex shouldn't be discussed... at all!  Once you're married, it's over. But that is simply not true. Marriage is supposed to be the beginning. And I'm here to say... married sex can be GREAT sex. I'm sure there are other married Christians out there who would like to read a good, hot, steamy book about a married couple who deals with stuff married people deal with. I am sick to death of all the disrespectful sex... I want to give people some respectful sex to read about! 

That's why I wrote it. Yes, that's why He had me write it.

Deep Breath.

So what the heck is my genre? They don't have the one I need...  Fiction>Christian>Married Erotica 
That's just funny. Ha Ha.

Okay, so that is where my mind was... and here is what I ended up doing. I chose two. I decided if I don't sell any books, that is okay. God knows what to do with it, I just have to be obedient and I'm gonna be honest, writing this series has been a ton of fun. And my husband has enjoyed it too ;)

Fiction>Christian>Romance
 and
Fiction>Romance>General

The content warning remains and... that's all she wrote. Who knew this would be so difficult? I can only choose one genre for the paperback, so I have no clue which I will choose yet. I have some time! Sept 15th is the release date. I'd love to hear your comments and thoughts on which YOU would choose.

Today, the Kindle version of  "30 Below" went up for Pre-Sale. Here is the link if you are interested in supporting what I am TRYING to do :)   http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MQIK26Q

Can't wait to see what God is going to do!!!

If you're interested in reading the preview... here ya go!30 Below Preivew 

Content Warning!

I am so thankful my book "As Is" has been such a success. I honestly never dreamed it would happen like this but when God is involved... anything can happen. I know He will continue to get it out there to the people who it can impact. THANK YOU to all my readers! I'm little known so it means a lot to have your support.

My next book, "30 Below" is about a couple (Lucas and Faith) who meet and are immediately attracted to each other in a way neither had felt before. The sexual electricity between them forces a decision to be made... Do they act on it? Or wait?  You'll have to read it to find out what happens... I think their 100 day journey will be a surprise to you, for several reasons.

Yes, it's about SEX!!! Quite a bit different from "As Is" and it is because of this difference I am going to be placing a "Content Warning" in the write up and in the front of the book. Here's what it's going to say:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Here's what you may be thinking: a Christian theme? With strong sexual content? And language? What are you thinking Wendy? Watch out for the lightening!

Yep, you read that correctly. I would very much like to explain myself and the goal God gave me with this book. Regarding sex, I think religion in general has done a great disservice to it's followers in the past. In trying to get the youth of the world to respect sex and wait for marriage I feel they have painted an ugly picture of sex making it seem scary, bad, gross, wrong, sinful and not pleasing to God. While I understand this was not the original intent of the teachings, that seems to be how it has been received. I can't tell you how many churched people within my generation and prior agree with me on this. As today's society has drifted away from the church, what I believe has happened is... the fear this teaching has developed about sex has disappeared in our youth and this is why the generations coming up are so sex crazed. I could be totally wrong - but that is my theory. It saddens me that we seem to either be uptight about sex or totally loose about it - there doesn't seem to be a middle, healthy ground.

With the release of so many fiction 'erotica' books about dominating males with a secret past demanding various sexual pleasures from beautiful, impressionable ladies, I think most of us have read at least one of them. Yes, I have. Yes, I have enjoyed them to a point HOWEVER one thing which really bothers me about the whole fad is this: the respect that I believe two people who truly care about each other should have for one another in their sexual relationship is VOID.  It is for this reason, I wanted to make a statement. "30 Below" is my statement. Yes, I wrote lots of sex, yes I made it steamy and hot. Yes, there is cursing... but not one four letter "f" word! I have a great plot that puts it all together so it's not just frivolous sex... but I did all of that respectfully. Whether my characters end up choosing to "go at it" right away or to wait until they are married... they respect each other all along the way.

I don't care if you're in love, I don't care if both people are into it... I believe whole-heartedly, if you are demeaning your partner with either words or actions in the throes of passion - you are doing them and sex a great disservice. I speak from experience here. You can think you like something and are okay with it... then when you least expect it... BAM! It is suddenly not cool and can cause deep shame. Sex was meant to be an act of love shared between two married people; meaning two people who are already 100% committed to each other. God created it that way for a reason.

I want to be clear... my book does NOT condemn those who choose sex outside of marriage. We all know that a relationship can turn into a marriage (or even un-wedded co-habitation) and work out just fine when a couple goes for it beforehand. It's just... perhaps a little more complicated to do it out of order. This was another reason I wrote this book.

The last reason I will share with you in this blog that I wrote this book is simple. Sex is not bad. Sex is not dirty or gross. It's not displeasing to the Lord. In fact... He created it! Therefore it is holy. And when it is used properly, with love and thoughts of God being part of the union... it is glorious and completely, utterly pleasing to Him. It is for this reason, "30 Below" turned into a series called Degrees of Discernment. "Above 60" is next, coming out in December 2014 and it will dive into the wonderful world of sex within marriage... as well as some other things God tossed in there for good measure. "360 Degrees" will be out in March 2015. Each book is its own story with its own plot and full closure so they do not require each other as companions to make sense. It's an amazing journey... and I hope you will take with me, regardless of the CONTENT WARNING!

 Blessing to your days and nights! Be good to one another!

The Most Cunning Lie I Ever Believed About Sex

First I want to apologize to all those people in my life who might be embarrassed about me writing and posting this article. I am not writing it to embarrass or make anyone uncomfortable. I’m writing it simply because realizing these things has had a profound impact on my dysfunction about sexuality. Also, it is a big step for me to share this because it helps me put action to a new belief I came to when I answered this question, “Why should I be ashamed to talk about something that God was not too ashamed to create?”

That is a quote from the book Sacred Sex by Tim Allen Gardner, a Christian counselor. Much of what you will read here is a result of Mr. Gardner’s obedience to God in writing the above mentioned book. I have suffered from what I call 'relationship dysfunction' for most of my life. There is no doubt in my mind that the root of my relationship dysfunction is sexual. I grew up with the plan of only having sex with one man. I grew up with the plan of waiting until I was married to have sex. This was the Biblical law of God and I was going to adhere to it. Unfortunately, I also grew up thinking sex was Biblically wrong or “bad” in some way. No one told me this, it was just something I figured out on my own. I don’t remember anyone ever talking about how great sex was going to be after marriage, I only ever remembering people telling me “don’t have sex.” My conclusion was certainly natural, I mean why was such a big deal being made about not having sex if sex was a good thing? People told me not to do drugs... everyone knows drugs are bad. People told me to stay in school and get good grades... everyone knows skipping school and getting bad grades are bad. So when people said "Don't have sex"... why wouldn't my immature brain conclude... sex is bad.

Enter romance novels and television. I began reading corny love stories early in life, I also watched soap operas like General Hospital and the Guiding Light. Being a girl who was boy crazy from as early as Kindergarten, stories involving the heart really sucked me in. I loved the idea of love. Being a girl who wasn’t exactly every boy's dream of beauty made me long for love all the more. I was strongly influenced by the stories I watched and read. I believed anything was possible with love. Love could overcome anything... and most embarrassing... I began to believe that anything a person might do for the sake of love, even if it was morally questionable, was okay... because it was done for love. Doesn’t the Bible tell us to love???? Above all else... love?

In my late teens, I fell in-love... for real (at least I thought it was). I was naive and living my life based on raw emotion. I made the decision to have sex with the plan to marry this boy in the future. As long as I married him, it would all be okay. To be honest, I didn’t really want to have sex, just the idea of sex was repulsive for me but I also knew that if I didn’t have sex with him, he would find someone who would. I didn’t want to lose him, I loved him... so I did it for love. Afterwards, I felt awful. I felt dirty and gross. I felt like if my parents knew, they’d kill me! I felt a guilt I can’t describe but I pushed through it and went on with life. It would all be okay once we were married, the guilt would leave and I wouldn’t have to worry anymore. I would just have sex to keep him happy, he would love me and life would be great. Unfortunately, the boy in this story didn’t have the same plan I did. I guess one of my failures as an 18 year old girl was poor communication. I never talked to him about my plans... I just assumed he had the same one I did. Turns out, me deciding to have sex with him didn’t keep him from finding other girls willing to do the same. I caught him having sex with a girl from my high school and my heart broke into pieces.

I made the same mistakes over again in the years that followed. And even though I had a very separate place in my mind for love and sex, trying to keep myself loved by who I desired seemed to always twist love and sex together uncomfortably for me. I never valued myself enough to think I was worth just plain being loved for who I was... without sex. Spiritually, I felt unforgivable for my sexual sins. But somewhere in my flesh I think I believed it was all okay because the sin was committed in the pursuit of love. Sex rationalized by love, I’m not the first person to think of that!

Fast forward to 2010, I am a devoted follower of Jesus who is married to a wonderful man who I know loves me without doubt, for if he didn't he would have left me long, long ago. I am clean and sober of alcohol for three years and I have a beautiful five year old son who is smarter than I am. I am no longer dabbling in sexual sin... I am married and have received forgiveness for my past sexual sin from my loving and graceful God. All that’s left for me is to keep my man happy, which means having sex with him on a regular basis and I am home free. In my mind, I put it on my calendar along with doing the grocery shopping, going to the dentist and folding laundry... not things I necessarily like to do but things that must be done, so I do them. In a conversation with my therapist, I am told that my view of sex is not very healthy. I’m told that I’m supposed to enjoy sex and want to do it. I’m told that God wants me to enjoy sex and by not allowing myself to enjoy it or desire it, I am being selfish.

What? Having sex for my husband even though I don't really desire it.... is selfish? What kind of crap is that? And what of this whole “God wants me to enjoy it” stuff? That makes NO SENSE!!!! God was the one who said “DON’T HAVE SEX.... DON’T HAVE SEX.... DON’T HAVE SEX” and here we are years later and He goes and changes His mind and tells me not only to have it... but enjoy it. Right buddy... whatever you say. Let me just reach into my brain and flip the “I hate sex because all it has ever done is cause me pain, suffering and guilt” button. I’ll get right on it. The truth was, I didn’t want to switch the button. I was happy with the way things were. Thanks Mr. Therapist... but no thanks. I’ll work on some other stuff instead, maybe we can get back to that one later.

God is funny though... it seems that once He shows me something in my life that isn’t quite working for me, He just keeps bringing it up over and over again until I decide to listen. I guess He took His job seriously when I asked Him to help me become a whole person, the person He knows I can be. He is going to do that for me, even in the areas I don’t want Him to. I have “worked” on my sexual dysfunction many times and it seems I always get to a certain point, think I am doing better and then I stop. Sooner or later I am right back where I started. I found myself at the starting line again recently and finally admitted to myself... I don’t want to change. But its obvious to me, God wants me to change so I began to pray for Him to make me want to change... even though I really don’t want to.

Not too long ago I started reading the book I mentioned earlier, Sacred Sex. In it, the author suggests that sex between spouses is holy, just as taking communion is holy. He also says that sex between spouses is a way to experience God. As I read these things, I rolled my eyes. Whatever... sex... holy... no way. My heart was so hardened. I couldn’t even imagine any of this being true. But as the author began to back up his ideas with scripture and experience... I began to wonder if maybe he was right but I was just unable to see it with my human eyes. It would have been really easy for me to put the book down and say “screw this crap” but instead I asked God to crack me open, even if just a tiny little bit.   Maybe if He cracked me, He could show me that it was possible for me to change my feelings about sex.  In my mind change truly seemed impossible. It seemed like fact and seemed unchangeable.

I kept reading and taking notes as different parts of the book text would hit me but nothing seemed to help. I was starting to think change was not possible for me.

In the book, the author tells a story about a session he had with a woman. It was her first session and she was there because her husband wanted her to go see someone to get “fixed” because she didn’t like sex. The author asked her a simple question... he asked her what she believed the purpose of sex was. Here was her answer, “I don’t know if I am sure what I believe. Obviously its to have children and its something men need, but beyond that, I don’t know. Right now, I can take it or leave it.”

Hmmm... her answer was exactly what my answer would have been.

The author then explained that this point of view was sadly shared by many, many woman. Next, the author said something interesting...

“Men do not, in fact, have a life or death need for sex.” I don’t think it was a coincidence that little Miss. Gracie woke up from her nap at that very moment so I was unable to read any further.

That sentence stayed in my head rerunning over and over... it took several hours but....CRACK....

Men do not, in fact, have a life or death need for sex.... in other words... men don’t have to have sex. Meaning... it is not MY JOB to give a man sex just because he THINKS he needs it.  Further... if a man becomes completely miserable because he isn't getting any sex for sex' sake, that is NOT MY PROBLEM.

As the crack to my hardened exterior began to open up a little more, I heard a voice in my head and for the first time ever the bright light of truth was shined upon a dark, ugly lie. I have been told many lies about sex in my life... and I have believed a lot of them but this one took the cake. This lie had been so carefully and consistently placed in my view for so many years that I just assumed it was a fact. This lie was straight from the devil and he had not only convinced me of it... he has society convinced of it as well. I have heard it on television and radio, read it in books and seen it in the news. Talked about it in school and with good friends, heard it expressed in church and among family members... jokes and serious conversations alike had all led me to believe this lie even more convincingly. And here it is, the most cunning lie I have ever believed about sex... MEN NEED SEX.

LIE!!!!

Something in my soul relaxed when the truth really hit me.  Knowing now that a man no more needs sex to survive than I need alcohol to survive... sheds a brand new light on the subject. I no longer have to view sex as a have-to or job that is my responsibility.  Sex no longer gets to imprison me. I can move the chains out of the way and try to find a new way to think of sex. It is very exciting to me to finally have real hope... a real chance to change my old views.

I have wondered for years why I have not been able to believe that men are capable of true love and affection.  I knew it was supposed to be true, but I simply could not believe it.  I'm sorry guys,  I know that is unfair and offensive but that is how I have felt for as long as I can remember.  This crack has finally shown me that it is possible for me to embrace that a man can truly love because if I no longer believe with all my heart that men need sex, then I can begin to believe that the things they do to show love are not a mere "act" done with the intent to get sex.  Ahhhhh.... Freedom.

In addition, the crack helped me recognize that I had left a few key words out of my original belief system. God didn’t say, don’t have sex... He said, sex is for those who are married. God didn’t say, sex is bad... He said, sex outside of marriage is a sin. And my belief that all sex had ever done is cause me pain, suffering and guilt.... well that might be true but the sex that caused those bad feelings was unholy, sinful sex... not sex the way God designed it to be. I have been so hung up on the unholy side of sex that I have not let myself experience the holy side. Which leads me to another quote from the author, “The existence of unholy sex does not make all sex unholy.” The all or nothing girl in me needs to let this one soak in.

I have no idea how long it is going to take for me to make real true progress in this area, but I’ve got to say, this is the most hope I have ever felt. As always, the willingness to change is the most important part of the journey because without that, you’ve got nothing. I pray I will keep my willingness, if I do that, I know God will come through for me because all things are possible with God.

Triple X

Three X’s in a row can mean a few things… a large clothing size… very sharp cheese… the name of a Vin Diesel movie… a ZZ Top album… or a very unpalatable, uncomfortable subject that many of us cringe at the mere mention of… nakedness. Well, I really am going to talk about the last one… although I don’t think it will be what you “expect.” We are in the middle of a series at Community of Hope called “Sex God” and yes… it is about sex. You might think that is odd, to talk about sex at church but as Joe Carmichael so wisely pointed out last Sunday in our opening week… God invented sex… He created us to be sexual beings… moreover, sex is a real problem these days… so why shouldn’t the church be talking about sex? I don’t think any of us really expect it will just go away if we ignore it.

As a young girl, I didn’t like to read very much. In fact, I was a terrible reader, so bad that I had to give up my recess time to go to reading lab. I remember one summer my parents enrolled me in a book club just to try to keep me reading. It was pure torture!!!! The next summer, my mom bought me a membership with a book club. I got a new book every week or so and they just kept coming in. One of the covers intrigued me because it had a cute boy on the cover. That was the only reason I decided to read it. It was about a nerdy high school freshman girl who had a huge crush on the senior football quarterback. She was poor and didn’t have many friends but somehow, against all odds… she landed the affections of Johnny Jockstrap. By the end of the book, they were walking into the sunset together holding hands. I remember actually getting “high” on the ending. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside and was filled with hope that someday I would be that girl walking into the sunset with the guy of my dreams. I wanted more so I picked up the next book. This time the girl was crippled and confined to a wheelchair but by the end of the book, she was holding on tight to Rippling Rob as they soared through the countryside together on horseback. I felt “high” again and got hooked. I’m not sure how many of them I read or even how many times I read each of them but one thing was for sure… I knew for certain exactly what love was going to be like when my prince appeared.

Huh… yeah right. Part of the story line was fulfilled easily… I was a nerdy girl with very few friends… but as for the rest of the script… pure poppycock. I spent my entire adolescence waiting for my Johnny Jockstrap or Rippling Rob to save me from loneliness. I was completely disillusioned! I grew up though, and dated around a bit.

My first experience with this unpalatable, uncomfortable, nakedness subject was in New York City. A boyfriend of mine wanted to go into one of those “XXX” stores. What totally disgusted me became an obsession for him. He would rent those movies every week and I would stand by completely grossed out and baffled at how someone I liked could like “that.” We grew apart for many reasons, that surely being one of them. I thought he had a low value for women because of his fascination with it, like we were just sexual objects meant for physical pleasure. Ewww… where was the love? Where was the emotional fulfillment? It seemed all those movies did was cheapen sex and give an unrealistic expectation of bedroom bliss…to me it seemed like sexual poison. The average woman wouldn’t be willing to do half the stuff those “actors” and “actresses” did. Ewwwww! How unfair! After that, one of my criteria for dating a guy was that he not be into porn… and yes, I did ask before our first date. Of course asking didn’t prevent me being lied to.

About two years before I got sober I began a major slide into my personal hell. I was extremely unhappy with just about every aspect of my life. I was married and pregnant but I had convinced myself that my husband didn’t love me. I remember watching the movie “13 Going on 30” and getting really mad. I mean, I was livid!!!! I remember thinking how unfair it was that this girl in the movie had two guys that loved her so much. And the fact she got to go back in time and fix a mistake she had made, well that made me even more mad (as if that were realistic in any way shape or form). How come I couldn’t have that? Why didn’t anyone love me the way she was loved???? In fact, that movie spawned my complete hatred for Jennifer Garner that is still hovering over me even today. After that I was even more convinced my husband didn’t love me. I wanted what I saw on the silver screen… no… I believed I deserved what I saw on the silver screen; love, real love, the type of love that moved mountains and stayed hot and heavy at all time. That’s right, I wanted MOVIE LOVE!!!! Movie love was the real thing and I deserved it.

Well, I’ve been sober for over two years now and a lot has changed. Yes, I still hate "those" movies but after all my husband and I have gone through together, no one can ever tell me he doesn’t love me. I know he does, for if he didn’t, he never would have put up with what I dragged him through in the process of wrecking my life and then getting sober. Our trip to hell and back is what showed me exactly what love really is.

One weekend, the movie “The Notebook” was on television and for some unexplained reason I started to watch it. See, that is another thing that changed with my sobriety. I came to despise chick flicks that painted such an unrealistic picture of what love was supposed to be. As I watched this horrendous movie, I went to my imaginary bucket with violent dry heaves at least 100 times. I was seriously nauseous as I watched it. Now, don’t get me wrong… it’s okay to like a good love story… as long as you realize that it is a bunch of unrealistic crap. If you can watch it, let your heart swoon and bawl your eyes out then get right back into reality afterwards… go for it. But for me, and I’m sure many other ladies out there who don’t have even a pinky toe dipped in reality…these movies are emotional poison that set up unrealistic expectations of love. These movies ruin perfectly good relationships every day.

So here is my point, as much as I hate the triple X industry and don’t understand it, I was once very guilty of partaking in the same addiction. It’s just that my high was achieved from the emotional variety instead of the sexual. My movies gave me unrealistic emotional expectations of my spouse. It gave me an illusion that he wasn’t being all he could be, that he wasn’t ever going to love me the way I deserved to be loved. Basically, he couldn’t do anything right, especially after a fresh viewing of “Titanic.” Lord help him! One step worse was this… I not only watched emotional "porn" and let it seep into my soul… I also wrote an emotional XXX book and passed it on to others. When I was wrote DESCO, I was at my expectational worst!

I think one of the biggest things that contributed to my unhappiness up until the age of 34 (that’s a lot of years of misery) was the fact that I had majorly distorted and unrealistic expectations of everything. A big part of that was just that I was born with a brain that doesn’t think the way it should, but there were other factors that contributed over the years. Reading books and watching movies that gave me that “high” certainly didn’t help. Drinking booze helped me numb all the disappointment I felt over everything in my life. In my 20’s I thought I had gotten a little bit better with my expectations by simply hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. While it may have been slightly healthier than expecting the world on a silver platter… I learned later, that mantra was just as bad for me.

The best way for me to live life is to try and have no expectations at all. When that approach was first brought to my attention, I rejected it completely. Why? Because I thought it was a negative way to walk around. In reality, having no expectations keeps things going upward no matter what. I have a great trick to learning how to have zero expectations… so if you’re interested… ask me and I’ll share it with you.

In closing I’d like to say, if you are a person who watches “The Notebook” and then goes on with life happily, able to make love to your husband without pretending he is Ryan Gosling, then I think you’re safe. But if you’re a person who adores “The Notebook” but feels totally unfulfilled by your totally normal, generally good natured spouse just because they don’t make you feel the way the movie makes you feel… you might be suffering from unrealistic expectation syndrome… and you just may have a little unhealthy addiction of your own.

Let me be clear… movie love is not real love. In addition, no person can or will ever fulfill you completely. While porn (sexual or emotional) can be visually stimulating, physically arousing and enjoyable in the moment, it is fleeting and leads to dangerously unrealistic expectations of others.

Only God can fulfill us. His love can make you feel true joy. His love is real and therefore never fleeting. I believe with all my heart that we were meant to feel as though a piece of us is missing when we don’t allow Him to complete us. If that seems unrealistic to you then I have a question… how’s what you’re doing right now working for you? Enjoy your triple X theater, whatever variety it may be. Just remember who will be there waiting for you when all the credits have rolled and you’re stuck with that horribly empty, frustrated, unfulfilled feeling… God will be waiting.