Not My Life, Not My Baby

I haven't written anything in a long time and its not because I haven't had anything to say or even that I haven't thought God had anything He wanted me to share.  It's because I have been in a season of life these last months that have been very quiet.  A quiet season... never thought I would have one of those!  Probably because I have never sat still for long enough to ever even have more than a few days of quiet.  To think it has been nearly seven months of quiet... is crazy to me.

I remember feeling a loss of purpose around January 2012.  We had just settled in our new home in Wisconsin so life was very different.  I was happy, but all the change sort of tossed me into a place of not knowing what I was supposed to do next.  Brett had adjusted to school and new friends so quickly.  Plus was getting to that age of not really needing his mama so much that the load of motherhood seemed to be lightening enough that there was more "free-time" in my schedule than ever before. Ryan was happy working from home and being close to family, he was helping out a lot and seemed to not really need me as much either.  I hadn't had enough time here yet to make any close friends, those relationships were just beginning or maybe not even in the picture yet and I didn't feel as drawn to the recovery work I had been doing in Texas as I thought I would have.  I was happy and living without regrets yet feeling a bit lost, wondering what big job God had for me next.  I was kinda bored. I didn't really want to go out and get a job, but there was this hole that needed to be filled. I distinctly remember asking God to tell me what my new big purpose in life was.  I have to be honest though and say, I didn't really listen for an answer.  As bored as I felt, I was kind of enjoying not having to do much.  I didn't want it to change because it was comfortable.  What if my next purpose was going to stretch me or make me dive into something I really wasn't wanting to do?  It was kinda nice to be able to watch TV whenever I wanted to and not have any real obligations to attend to weekly.  It was kinda nice to feel freedom from any hustle and bustle.  Nice but also boring.  Maybe I could just get used to boring?.  That would be great.  "Hey God, scratch that request for a new purpose... I'll just chill over here and work on getting used to boring."

I thought I was generally happy, I really did.  But looking back I suppose I can see an emptiness building in me.  I was becoming more introverted, which any one who knows me knows that is not really who I am.  I was beginning to have these crazy mixed emotions of sadness at my boredom but then I'd get angry at my son or husband when I was interrupted from my boredom. I was participating in volunteer work and Bible study but it was always a struggle to actually make myself go. I thought I was content, but deep down I was nothing of the sort.

My world was rocked in May when I found out I was pregnant.  I was about to turn 40, had just found out I had fibroid tumors that needed to be removed and totally not on board with the whole idea of being mom again.  This baby was REALLY gonna get in the way of my life plan.  I didn't want my life to change, I didn't need my life to change and I didn't think there was any way I could handle starting over with kid number two again.  I was mad.  So mad... at my husband, at myself, at life but mostly at God.  How could He let this happen to me?  How could He do this to me at this point in my life??  Why God, what are you doing messing with my life???

Luckily, I have had enough experience in my spiritual life to recognize that being mad at God isn't a sin.  In fact, I talked to Him about how mad I was at Him often. I think that was the whole of my prayer life for many many weeks... me telling God how pissed I was at Him.  I became depressed and withdrawn.  I shriveled inward into myself not wanting anyone to touch me, talk to me or try to understand me.  I just wanted to be left alone.  Eventually, I turned to our new Pastor and asked him to meet with me.  I don't know why I did that, I mean I didn't really want help - I wanted to be miserable but my hand reached out and dialed the phone as if it had a mind of its own and once the appointment was made, I just went ahead and went.  He helped me realize that a better use of my anger would be to point it at satan, instead of everything else.  Thus the writing I posted on May 17th called "Mocked".  That was very cleansing to me.

From there my heart began to slowly (oh so slowly) open to God and His will for me.  I slowly began to realize that my stubborn need to be in control of my life was blocking God's will for my life.  I admitted to Him that I didn't really want His will, and asked Him to help me change that.  I've been around the block enough times to know that God's will is gonna be whether I want it or not, so it's a lot easier to just get on board and stop whining.  I had this notion that I was supposed to just have a total change of heart over night and be ready to go with a smile on my face the next day cheerfully announcing my commitment to God's will to the world - yeah!  But when I woke up and that wasn't my reality and I didn't have the energy to fake it, I was confused.  I was still so sad about this change God had for me.  So sad, to the point of despair.  Faith got me through though.  I've had some rough times in life and the experience of making it through those rough times with God's help led me to know... without doubt... that this rough time was going to be okay, even though I didn't like it.  I realized that even in my deep despair, I trusted God fully.  It was then my relationship with God began to change and become something it never had been before.  Intimate.  Quiet.  Nearly silent.  Effortless.  I began to let Him take care of me without worry of what I needed to do to earn it.  I stopped working so hard to achieve a relationship with Him.  I sat quietly, just me and Him, no need for words, just there together.  Me in His hand.

My husband began to worry that my relationship with God was slipping.  He was so used to me being a crusader for Christ and a loudmouth, hard working, go-go-go Christian that this quiet wife of his who barely even spoke of God was very concerning.  I assured him that he didn't need to worry, but I think he did anyway.  He had no idea what was churning inside me, and I didn't really either.

I was having no fun with this pregnancy at all!  I was very sick, throwing up almost every hour some days.  I found it difficult to eat, my digestive system was whacked and the pain from my fibroid tumors was so intense some days I would just cry and cry. I was miserable.  I began to wonder why I wasn't happy.  I mean I had this faith and trust in the Lord, wasn't that supposed to get me through this with a smile on my face and great attitude?  Then one day God popped Paul in my mind.  I imagined him sitting in prison and how miserable he must have been.  His faith was there, his trust was there... but it was a hard time and it is highly unlikely he was overflowing with sunshine everyday as he sat there.  I gave myself permission... actually I feel like God gave me permission to be miserable.  I decided to be okay with my miserable days but not let them make my whole life miserable.  There were good days and when I had them, I needed to make the most of them and be thankful.  By some miracle I was able to do that, without guilt.  Just me in God's hand.

Each stage of this pregnancy has been a challenge, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how God has done it, but He has ever so slowly changed me and my heart through this pregnancy for the good.  This baby has been a completely unexpected gift of new life... new life to me and new life to this little girl in my belly.  I am so very thankful for this gift now, so in awe of His plan and His will.  I hope I can hold on to these lessons for years to come.  I hope I can remember how much I get in the way of His will when I try to control my life.  I hope I will remember that my life is not my own at all, it is His fully... and my baby is not my own either, she is fully His as well.  Thank you for giving me people in my life to speak Your truth to me through this when I have needed it... Mary, Justin, Pastor Decker, Jess, Stephanie, Stef, Jen and Jenn. Thank you for the gift of my friend Cindy here in WI who has been  so very helpful in so many ways.  Thank you God for forcing me to step up to the plate.  Thank you for giving me this opportunity to follow Your will, truly lose myself so I can gain so much more of You.  Thank you for helping me turn my fears over to You as the devil tries to haunt me with them. Thank you for trusting me with another one of Your children.  She is very loved already even though she won't be here until Dec 19th! 

   

Not a Hallmark Moment

I don’t even really know how to start this story... but I guess I’ve got to start somewhere. As you probably know, Ryan and I moved to Wisconsin this last October. We have been really happy with our decision so far and have found many positives to this cross-country relocation from Texas.  Brett is thriving at his new school and is being challenged in ways he would not have been otherwise. We love our new house and have even really enjoyed the weather. It’s kind of nice to not be sweating constantly.

One of the positives that came with this move was when I began having a repeat of intestinal symptoms from last summer, a completely new set of doctor eyes and ears began to care for me. With those new eyes and ears came some different tests and in the end... a brand new, very specific, very real diagnosis for my problems that was based on a simple test not one of my doctors in Texas ever thought to order; a sonogram. Turns out, my digestive problems were not a result of cryptic IBS or the result of me “maybe” having Celiac disease as my previous doctors had best guessed. No, my problems are due to the giant tumor I have growing on my left ovary which is obstructing my large intestines. And my chronic abdominal pains are a result of a large fibroid tumor in my uterus... which by the way was causing a lot of other problems too. Wow... all the testing of the last year and a half and no one ever thought to look for that. It sort of blows my mind. None-the-less, I was ecstatic to have a real answer finally... and a real plan to fixing the problem.

After several opinions, I settled on the plan to have the tumors removed in surgery. With the size and placement of my tumors as well as the great possibility I am also suffering from endometriosis, I decided to go ahead and have a hysterectomy in which the doctor would do her best to make sure I ended up with at least one ovary intact. My surgery was scheduled for May 2nd and I couldn’t wait to get this over with!!! Praise the Lord, I was going to be free at last!

The Friday night before my surgery, April 27th, I had a dream that stuck with me. I dreamed that during surgery, the doctor ran into a complication and things became dangerous for me. I told Ryan about the dream in the morning and told him I wanted to do my best to make sure nothing like that would really happen.

A few conversations with my doctor and a blood test later, what happened in my dream was confirmed. It was my worst nightmare and it was true. Surgery for May 2nd needed to be cancelled because, just like in my dream... I was pregnant.

I couldn’t even try to make this up - I mean, there is a reason Hallmark doesn’t have a card that says “Sorry the hysterectomy to get rid of your painful tumors didn’t work out but congrats on your pregnancy.” Hallmark, if you decide to add that card, be sure to put it in the sympathy section.

I cried. I’m turning 40 this year. I have never had a desire to have another child... NEVER. I am not one of those women who loved pregnancy. I am also not one of those women who got tricked into having another baby because she forgot what being pregnant was like... no... I will never forget the hell of my pregnancy. I don’t deal with nausea well, I don’t have a ton of patience, I’m thrilled to have potty training done and over with. I’m glad I’m not a mother of a preschooler any longer. Ugh... really God? Pregnant? Me? What kind of cruel joke was this?

I got mad... livid. My body had been hijacked again. The little leech inside me was going to take all the good stuff and leave me with the leftovers for 8 months. The nausea, this time with vomiting was going to make it difficult for me to have much desire to do anything. I was going to have to stop taking all the medications that had been keeping me sane for the last few years... goodbye hormonal balance, goodbye ADHD relief, goodbye easy sleep. I had to give up the things that were good for my emotional health so I could protect the leech. LIVID. Did I mention, I’m turning 40 this year?

I yelled at God for this cruel irony and used a few curse words too. I told Him if He wanted me to be happy about this He needed to give me a very clear... crystal clear sign that this was what He wanted. At my sonogram I found out my due date is Christmas day 2012. Really God... my baby will be welcomed to the world on the same day Jesus was born? Turns out this "sign" made me even more mad.

My doctor talked things through with me. It was made clear to me that I certainly had the option of terminating this pregnancy. I mean, who could fault me for doing such a thing when I have a tumor that is blocking my intestines and chronic pain due to a fibroid the size of my fist. This wasn’t planned... wasn’t my physical safety at risk here? Was my emotional sanity at risk if I went off my meds? I’m almost 40 which increased my risk factors (not sure I mentioned that yet). Geez. Seemed pretty cut and dry... if there was one time in life to consider being selfish, it was now. It was justifiable medically too... bonus. My turmoil seemed to lessen slightly. I felt peace might be around the corner.

Well, I was wrong. The more I contemplated the possibility of terminating, the more torn up I felt, even if it did seem medically justified. The more I realized I wanted it to go away, the more angry I became and then when the doctor told me... I was going to have to go to an abortion clinic in Madison to have a consultation if that was my choice... I was back to LIVID. I knew there was no way I could walk through those doors... NO WAY. I felt like an animal trapped in a cage, with a leech. Oh, and I'm turning 40 this year.

I called a dear friend in a crazed, angry, rant. She listened and she sympathized... but she didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear. Instead she spoke truth. She said many wise things but the most powerful of all of them was "God never makes mistakes," and “God creates all life.” As a person who struggles with intimacy, I wondered if the devil was really trying to screw me up by making me regret my progress with intimacy by making me pregnant. Being reminded that God is solely responsible for the creation of life was key.

In a later conversation with my doctor, I was told that the medical risks to my life with this pregnancy were fairly low. The pregnancy hormones would undoubtedly cause my fibroids to grow quickly and I would have even more discomfort. I would also have more of the same intestinal difficulties I had already been having, probably worse, but there was no life threatening risk to me. The big risk was to the baby. The baby only has a 50/50 chance of being born alive. With my age and the fibroids, lots of things could go wrong. I could miscarry at any time... next week, tomorrow, 3 days before due date. The funniest thought came to me... “I should terminate because its best for the baby.” What? You might not live so lets just kill you... that makes a lot of sense. I knew without doubt after that conversation with my doctor, I was going to be pregnant for awhile. I would be pregnant as long as God thought I needed to be... and that just might mean for 8 more months.

As mad as I have been at God lately, I have known deep inside that my faith would not be moved. I’ll be honest and say I don’t want to be pregnant, I don’t want to have another baby, I don’t want to do this whole thing over again at the age of 40... but I don’t want to have tumors blocking my intestines or chronic pain from fibroids either. I certainly don’t want all of that mixed together - plus nausea and vomiting - but here I am living a life full of “I don’t want this” and I’m okay.

My friend told me that the reason I got so mad was that I knew there was no way I would choose termination, even though that would have been my “easy” way out. I have to agree with her. She also said that what is happening in my life right now is proof positive that God’s promise to never let us go can be counted on. I wasn’t sure what she meant by that at first, but I’m starting to get it.

When I turned to God and gave myself to Him years ago, He did promise He would never let me go. It would be really easy for me to look at these circumstances and only focus on the feeling that God is square in the middle of letting me go because I am not getting what I want. But, if I choose to look deeper I can see His promise being fulfilled. He hasn’t let me go at all, in fact He has such a good grip on me that He absolutely will not let me turn from Him by making a mistake I will most assuredly regret. He has installed the Spirit within me so strongly and placed the right people around me so perfectly that I am not able to follow my flesh, I must follow Him, even though it’s not at all what I want. If that isn’t His promise being upheld, I don’t know what is.

I have a feeling I know what God is after from me right now in this situation and He has put me in a place where I do not have a choice but to choose what He wants for me. Well played God. I guess when I asked You to help me break free from the things that hold me back from You I should have put a non-pregnancy disclaimer in there (not that it would have mattered). I guess it’s true, be careful what you ask for... especially when you’re asking for it from God.

The one thing I have liked about this experience is the amount of understanding and support I have received from the people who know me best. I am amazed at how God has shown me in the last few years how to not only be a better friend, but how to choose better friends and uphold appropriate boundaries that keep a friendship strong. I never thought I would deserve to have such quality people in my life... but I see now that I do because I have learned how to be that back. I want to thank all of you who have had such encouraging and understanding words for me in this tough time.

I have already decided what I want to name our new daughter... yes, I "know" it will be a girl because I am much more comfortable with boys so therefore God must make it be a girl. But the baby name is a whole other story... you'll have wait for that one. In the meantime, I'd appreciate any prayers for my family... for us to have peace with however this ends up... and if you could sneak one in requesting relief from my nausea - that would be great too. Thanks for reading.

The Gift

It’s no secret, I’ve had a very colorful life. It seems from birth it’s been just one drama after another so I suppose it’s only natural that I am quite a drama queen. One of the most colorful times in my life was when I left college in my second year to follow an Army boy to Germany. It was supposed to be a quick, fun visit, but it turned into a few years… of hell.

His name, well that’s not important, but he and I were engaged and I thought I was in love. Although it’s hard to really call a guy your official “fiancé” when he is already married to someone else AND you are paying for the engagement ring yourself. Ladies… if either of these things are true in your current relationship, please run! If both are true… run VERY FAST. He was an alcoholic and was abusive, physically and emotionally. I became homeless upon entering Germany but for some reason, I stayed. My fiancé was troubled and I wanted to be the one to save him. I also wanted to prove to myself I could make him love me enough that he would stop drinking. All in all, it wasn’t a very good experience. I failed at both things… I didn’t save anyone and he didn’t stop drinking for me. I left connecting those dots in a way that told me I just wasn’t loveable.

I was so relieved when it was finally over… I mean I couldn’t wait to get back on American soil. So, if it was so bad and I was so relieved, why was it that I was bawling my eyes out on the airplane ride home? Oh yes… I remember. Her name was Kristine.

There were a few redeeming things that happened while I resided half-way around the world. I met Alexandra, a friend I still have today. I taught her how to speak English and she taught me how to say some very naughty things in German. I also met an American family that was in need of a nanny. I began caring for little Kristine very early in her life, maybe 3 months old. Her parents, Tom and Nancy, were very kind to me. Tom was the one who got me into reading. Thinner by Stephen King was the first book he shared with me. His influence to read is what led me to writing. Nancy was someone who showed me that being a mom didn’t mean you weren’t cool or fun. She also showed me something that is hard to explain in words but I’ll try.

During my employment with the family, Nancy, who was a nurse for the Army, was deployed to Somalia for an extended period of time. For more than 6 months, Nancy would be away from her husband and her little baby girl. As a wife and mom, I simply cannot imagine that. She did it with grace though. She came home a few times for a visit and in those times she showed me something beautiful I have never forgotten. If I had been in her shoes, I would have probably hated me, the nanny. I probably would have been jealous that someone else was getting to see my baby girl grow up… but not Nancy. She treated me with nothing but love and respect. If she had any of those feelings, she certainly didn’t show them to me. She set an amazing example in her actions.

Kristine was an amazing little girl. She literally didn’t cry unless she needed something. She was so mild tempered and well behaved, although I do remember one very intense cheerio tossing showdown in the living room. I really couldn’t have been blessed with an easier child to care for. She was fun too, and smart. It was like she yearned for information…for new skills. I think we watched Beauty & the Beast 500 times. I really bonded with Kristine in the time I cared for her. I still have a giant piece of paper that we drew all over one day… I traced her hand and wrote the date. I’m so glad I did that.

Yes, I bawled my eyes out the day I flew away from my nightmare, but it wasn’t about the Army boy who had broken my heart or the pride I had to suck up to beg my parents for a plane ride home… it was about having to say goodbye to Kristine; the little girl who had stolen a piece of my heart.

Even though I wasn’t a very active or knowledgeable Christian at that time, I spent years after my return being mad at God for allowing me to be so beat up through those years. I wondered why He hadn’t protected me. I figured He just didn’t care for me enough to throw me a lifeline in those years. I just knew, God had abandoned me.

Sobriety and recovery gave me the opportunity to clean up all the garbage that had zapped the color from my world through the years. One of the things I had to do is admit… I was mad at God. And I wasn’t just a little mad, I was A LOT MAD! I am brought to tears just typing that! I mean, what kind of God would allow a person such as myself to go through so much pain?? (If you’re not familiar with my whole story you can read it at http://www.wenryett.com/Recovery.htm ) The sad thing is that I didn’t even tell the whole story there. Well, recovery taught me about this thing called taking responsibility for my own actions… hmmm… and I realized a lot of the things that happened to me were a direct result of my own decisions and pride. Not all of them, but most. Even so, I wondered why our powerful, merciful God would have allowed me to be beaten so badly while I was in Germany. Why God… why didn’t You protect me???

One day I think God got a little tired of me asking that question and He decided to show me things from a different angle. He gave me some BFR’s (blinding flashes of reality) that finally gave me my answer. Yep, there was no doubt life had been hard but I was focusing on the wrong stuff. I was totally dismissing all the gifts He had given me in that time. I began to see things in a different light. Let me tell you a story, and maybe you will see it too…

I was 18, homeless and jobless in Germany. My debt was growing by the day. It was winter so I was cold and hungry. I felt totally useless! I was in a county where I didn’t speak the language and I had very few skills at the ripe old age of 18. Virtually the only job I could have ever done was be a nanny but I couldn’t find anyone who needed a nanny. The abuse had begun and I was sad, lonely and scared. I felt very unloved and unworthy of love.

It was Christmas and I was with my fiancé at his Army barracks packing up a few little presents to send back home to my family. As I was stuffing the boxes with extra newspaper – something caught my eye. I saw an ad for an Army family who needed a nanny. I perked up… quickly I realized the paper was a few months old. I figured the position was surely filled by now. But I called anyway, just to be sure. I will never forget the shock in Tom’s voice to be receiving a call for an ad he had placed in the paper so long before. As it turned out, they needed a nanny just as much as I needed a job.

So how exactly did that come to pass… me being in possession of a nanny ad that was run before I even entered the country? Herein lies God’s angle. He says to me, “Silly daughter…I gave you Tom, Nancy and Kristine. In that package I gifted you with a home, a job, money, warmth, nourishment, usefulness, smiles, connection, security, a place to be cared for, and a place to give love.” So maybe there was a lot of craziness in my life while I was away from little Kristine, but the truth of the matter was this… the reprieve I got while around that family, is exactly HOW God protected me.

When God finally got me to realize that, I felt very selfish and ungrateful. Later, I realized that it wasn’t a matter of selfishness, it was a matter of not looking at the right thing. It’s so easy to focus on the bad parts of every situation and totally miss the lifeline. Today, I’m not angry about that time in my life. I have faced my bad decisions and accepted them. I have even fully forgiven the ex-fiancé, which was no easy task (believe me) but God made it happen when the time was right. I am so very thankful for that time in my life, even the hard stuff.

I guess I always sort of regarded myself as just some “mixed up kid” that passed thru the lives of Tom and Nancy. I knew they were in desperate need of a nanny but I always kind of figured they were also being a bit charitable by giving me a chance. Now that I am a mom, I even see that in a very different light. A good parent does not leave their child with just some “mixed up kid” no matter how desperate or charitable they may be feeling. I mean, when I think about the amount of trust it takes for me to have someone babysit Brett or the barrels I made his pre-school jump over before I enrolled him, it became clear to me, they left Kristine with me because they trusted and believed in me.

There have been many times through the years when I have wondered if I did Kristine justice in the way cared for her. I mean, I was really insecure and sad back then… but I did the best I could. I tried my hardest to be good for her and protect her from anything and everything. It’s one of those things I’ve just had to give to God and have faith that I did more good than harm. I will forever hold a very special place in my heart for the little girl who let me love her and loved me back at a time when I felt so unlovable. Thank you Kristine!

When it comes to asking God why He didn’t do what we thought He should have done, I think our first job is to recognize the gifts he has already given us. It’s quite possible the lifeline that was so desperately needed was thrown out to you and you missed it. Our second job, once we notice it, is to allow that gift to grow and nurture us, for if we do, the anger and hurt will heal. That healing grows into beauty that can never be tainted with regret. The best way for me to show you proof of this is to show you exactly how the gift God gave me back in 1992 has grown into incredible beauty. I found Kristine on Facebook last week and here she is…



17 years and counting; a face that forever changed my life, a true gift from God in so many ways. She is a charming, gorgeous young lady who has the world ahead of her. I have truly enjoyed reconnecting with her and I hope that will continue for years to come. I don’t think the paths we cross in life are ever an accident. I’d do it all over again in a second! But just for the record, I might feel just a tad old right now looking at her senior picture.

Jesus told us… “…in this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33