Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Ghost of Wendy Past

Have you ever been annoyed with someone? Well that’s a stupid question isn’t it… of course you have. In fact, you’re probably annoyed at me right now for asking such an annoying question. Let me be more specific… have you ever been annoyed in a very subtle yet intense way? Does that make sense? I mean you know you love them, because you do… you love them… and not because you have to, because you honestly love them (and no I’m not talking about my husband right now). Yet, you are so terribly aggravated by them that you wish you could just… hate them???? It doesn’t ruin your day or make you fly into a rage or anything. It just kind of sits in the back of your mind as you go about your daily routine. You smile and function just fine yet you know its there and every once in awhile it flairs up and you just have to clench your fist for a moment and say “Argh!” I for one try very hard not to have my “Argh” sound like a pirate… I prefer a gravely, throaty “Argh” with umph.

So maybe you know what I mean, maybe you don’t. Either way I bet you’re wondering who it is and what happened, right? Maybe it’s you???? Well, I won’t go into specifics here, because they aren’t important to the point. (Sorry to let you down.) What I will do is tell you that I really don’t like feeling this way at all. It is quite disruptive to my overall serenity, so I better deal with it.

Digging in deep I realize I am so annoyed with this person because they are exhibiting behaviors that I once embraced myself. In fact, I’m looking at this person and wondering if I am looking into some freakish mirror that reflects the ghost of Wendy past. It is so very annoying to see what I used to be like! It is so very annoying to deal with what I used to make other people deal with. I swear, I don’t know how people put up with me!!!! I recognize I probably deserve this and I also recognize this is one of the ways God reminds me to be careful and keep making progress in my life. I’ve prayed some about this but for some reason, I haven’t really given it a good hearty prayer. I don’t know why… maybe I’m just leaning on the assumption that God knows how I feel so I don’t really need to explain it to Him. Maybe I think He should just help me out without me having to go into too much detail about it. I have asked my husband to pray FOR me, since I seem to not be able to “get it out” the way I should.

I suppose what I realize right now more than anything is that now is the time to practice this thing called true love. If I do in fact love this person, and I do, I must remove the string labeled, “only when you do what I want you to do” that I have attached to that love. I must look at the scripture and take it to heart.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

A person once explained true love to me in this way… true love is when we want God based self-love to be real for another person. I like that explanation a lot. It means it’s not about “me.” It’s about them, their well-being and their connection with God and if that is truly the case then it can’t be anything other than what scripture says.

I know that this person struggles with self-love. I think we all do in ways. I make the choice right now to be patient, kind, humble, polite, selfless, satisfied, forgiving, honest, loyal, protective, hopeful and lasting in my prayer for self-love for… you, person who has annoyed me because you are a lot like me. After all, I’m sure I’ve annoyed you before. Moreover, Jesus loves me in this way better than anyone ever could (and I bet I’ve annoyed Him plenty). I owe it to Him, given all He has done for me, to at least try and pay it forward.

Funny, I don’t feel as annoyed now.

(If you are wondering if it is you... you can ask me, but I may not tell you. I'm just gonna let it go.)

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