Friday, October 24, 2014

I'm a Hole Digger and I Don't Mind

I've been really hard on myself lately... feeling like I'm not good enough and my mistakes are shining in bright lights for everyone to see and judge. The self-confidence I gained a while back has settled back towards my old normal. I didn't realize it until yesterday when someone told me how nice I am... and how much they appreciate my kindness.  I blew it off at first then I realized... I'm sliding backwards and I need to work on it to make sure I don't settle into "comfortable" again... because  my comfortable is not what God wants me to see in myself.

I thought about the journey I have been on since God saved me from my own personal hell... and it's amazing to see how He has provided for me at every turn... I mean amazing. Every step has been a step towards His grand plan in my life. With each amazing skill He has taught me... from the incredible way He got me Photoshop for free AND taught me how to use it, the education He provided to me on investigation and criminal justice, the wisdom He granted me about addiction and how to face it, to the amazing way He turned a mousey, shy, scared girl into a dynamic public speaker... I have made a promise to earnestly give those skills back to others in a way which hopefully shows the loving hands of God.

As I thought, I realized... I have done a pretty good job at fulfilling that promise... with exactly who He has called me to extend it to. As I have walked through life, God continues to shine a light on certain people I come across and it's so immediate when I meet them... it is crazy. I know in an instant... this is a person I am meant to invest in for God's sake. It has happened time and time again and the only thing they all have in common is... it is only for a time and I most likely won't get to see the big plan come to fruition. This makes me a little sad, as I would love to remain close to all those I care for... but I suppose I just have to accept... I'm a hole digger for the seeds God plants. The beautiful vine with its glorious flowers is not necessarily mine to see.

Here's how it has worked thus far... I meet someone and become keenly aware of the fact that God has a big plan for them and I just go... support... love... give of my God given skills and then when my part is done... there is a very subtle separation that is positive and leaves me with only fond memories. I hope the people this has happened with feel the same way. I hope. I continue to have light contact with most of them, though... which is nice. All of these people have been extremely different... no consistency what-so-ever...

  • A 6 year old boy in the foster care system who deserved far more than he was given (and he got it! I will be writing his story when the time is right)
  • A beautiful young lonely missionary whose dream was to have a family one day (and she got it!)
  • A sarcastic real estate agent who needed a friend to tell him the truth (and he gives the truth back to me all the time now)
  • A beautiful Sioux Indian who needed someone to believe in her and give her a chance to get on her own two feet (She is on those feet now and doing well)
  • A man in prison for murder who needed to be told of God's love and forgiveness... that he too could still enter heaven if he would believe (He changed his plea to guilty to accept responsibility with the hope God will see his heart)
There is a new one now... and I have no idea God's purpose or if there is even anything this person truly needs but I will do my best with what I have been given.

It has been amazing how God has placed these people in my life... I mean every single one of them could have very easily been a passing hello... a there-one-minute-gone-the-next forgotten memory in a busy self-involved world. I am so thankful God first provided me with the skills... then gave me the spirit to listen and be obedient. I am humbled and awed as I think about it... and it makes me realize...

I'm not so bad after all!

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror... I saw a woman... no make up - just me and I saw beauty. Thank you God for allowing me to see what You see. Help me continue to see clearly and help me continue to give back what You have graced me with.

Take a moment today to be aware... really SEE those around you. Maybe one of them needs something as simple as a smile.

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