The Pivotal “Good-Friend-Fruit” Moment

Friend is one of the words I think is used too much in society. What I mean is this... I believe its one of those words we use flippantly, like the words ‘love’ and ‘yes’. We have become comfortable using all of these words before we know if we really mean them or not. How many times have you said yes to something then later really wish you hadn’t? I always chuckle when I’m watching some good reality television and two girls that have only known each other for 2 hours say “I love you so much!” Really?

To me, ‘friend’ has always meant someone who cares about me, someone I can talk to, someone I trust and I care for back in the same way. But my understanding of the word ‘friend’ began being misunderstood very early in life. My teachers taught me to call every single one of my classmates my ‘friend’. This is still true today in my son’s class. This led me to think that all of my classmates were people who cared about me, people I could talk to, and people I should trust and give back to in the same way. This misunderstand led me to have zero boundaries in friendship. ZERO.

Later in life, after I learned that not everyone was really my ‘friend’ I found a new meaning of the word. It was this… anyone who I wanted to be my friend was given the title ‘friend’. I had a lot of ‘friends’ that never even spoke to me. Sad…but true.

After that, it was people who worked with me. They were my ‘friends’. I forgot the part about them being at the same place I was to get paid to do a job. We never saw each other outside of the office but we were best ‘friends’.

The word ‘friend’ was constantly being redefined throughout my life. At one point ‘friends’ became the people who drank at the same bar with me. Then came sobriety. ‘Friends’ were the people who got sober with me at meetings. After being in recovery for a while, ‘friend’ changed again… anyone who needed me to help them get sober OR anyone who made confessions to me.

There was a woman by the name of Stephanie Canfield in the Bible Study I joined in 2008. In 2009 we got to know each other a little bit, but not a ton. In 2010 in one of those strange coincident (also known as God-incident) type deals, I ended up agreeing to be the guest speaker at a women's retreat she was heading up. The plan was for me tell the story of my life and teach about boundaries and expectations. It’s funny as I look back; I was probably the least qualified person in the world to do that at the time I was asked. But God said yes, so I said yes. I began working with Stephanie regularly in planning this retreat.

I was in a very lonely place in my life then, June 2010, and had lost nearly all the ‘friends’ who were important to me. I looked at the past carnage of my ‘friend’ relationships and realized something… it was a revolving door. There was only one explanation; there was only one common denominator… Me. I was the problem. I looked at the word ‘friend’ and realized I had no idea what it really meant and I asked God to try and teach me. How does a person take their time and grow a healthy, mature friendship? It didn’t seem possible to me. My ‘friends’ had always been instant friends. In preparation to talk about boundaries and expectations at the retreat, I did all sorts of reading about healthy friendships. I read about the importance of waiting for a person to ‘prove’ their character before you invest in them too deeply. It sounded great in theory but it didn’t sound possible to me. It had never happened in my life and I didn't want anymore pain so I withdrew knowing I had to fix my issues first. My desire to have a real friend and to be a real friend took the back burner.

I had absolutely no interest in adding a new ‘friend’ to my life and my walls were up big time so each time Stephanie and I got together to discuss things, I would get straight to the point and then move on with my day. I didn’t do it on purpose but I invested nothing of myself in her even though she was super nice. As time went on, she continued being nice, even as I gave her nothing in return. She simply kept being herself and never let what I was like affect the outcome. One day I was so upset by something that I excused myself from the Bible study room. She came out to see if I was okay and it was then I had to admit to myself that I liked her, she was nice. It was then I also realized I had been completely un-invested in her and I was scared to death to try. In my fear, I shifted gears from unintentional withdrawal to… complete intentional shut-off. not long after, I became extremely depressed and almost backed out of the retreat all together.

But she called me on one of my really depressed days, just to ask me how I was. My heart led me to tell her in a very simple way that I was struggling. I didn’t give her any details, just told her life was hard for me right then. She didn’t pry, or beg for details. She didn't jump into drama, try to cheer me up or try fix things. She just asked if she could pray for me. And that was it. No drama and no judgment.

My depression passed and I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of that phone call and the way she reacted to it, I began to let go just a little bit at a time as I would see her or talk to her. Before long, we were speaking frequently, and laughing together a lot. I had invested some of Wendy, but only some. I wasn’t planning to go any further.

There was a job posting at my church that I was really excited about. I sent my resume in and was all set with an interview. I was sure this was what God was calling me to do. It felt perfect! Stephanie called me to check on something about the retreat and I mentioned to her in passing that I had applied for the job. I told her how excited I was. She was quiet and didn’t say much about it and we got off the phone a little awkwardly. I thought it was odd but didn’t put much thought into it.

The next morning, my phone rang bright and early… 8:00a.m. It was Stephanie. She had something she had to tell me and from the sound of her voice, it was important and she was a little nervous. She proceeded to tell me that she had also applied for the same job and also had an interview. She hadn’t been sure at first what to say when I told her how excited I was about it so she didn’t say anything. But she struggled with it all night not able to sleep. She talked if over with her husband and prayed about it. She knew she should tell me so I could hear it from her and not someone else but was worried about how I might react since I had been so excited about it. She didn’t want me to think she was keeping anything from me or that she was trying to go up against me. I could hear the honesty and sincerity in her voice and it touched me in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. We had a good laugh together over the whole thing and both knew that whoever got the job, would be God’s pick. We told each other that no matter what, we wouldn’t let it get in the way of our… friendship. Yes, I actually used that word.

It was after I got off the phone and had time to process it God said, “That is how a person proves to you that you may invest yourself more deeply in them. That is the kind of person who should become your friend, Wendy.”

The Lord Jesus tells us, “Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing… you will know them by their fruit.” I thought about some of my hurts in friendship from the past and realized I’ve invested myself in a lot of wolves, which was easy since I myself have been a wolf at times. And I had a habit of investing all of myself way too fast… certainly before any proof was given about their character. In many cases, I was fully aware of the rotten fruit but went forward anyway (FYI: that is not to say my fruit was any better). Stephanie’s call to me was certainly proof of her character. Her fruit was good; I could see that without doubt. After that, I was able to release more of myself. After that even more… and by the time the retreat came, there wasn’t much left to hold back. We had really become friends, slowly and naturally.

She ended up getting the job instead of me. I was sad about it because I had been so sure God wanted me to have it. I really thought it was “the fit” for me, and not getting it was hard on my ego. Even still, I can honestly say I was totally happy for her though. It was a perfect fit for her life and it was obvious to me, after giving her the congratulations call that God truly wanted it to be hers. God had a different plan for me. And it turned out, yes God had wanted me to apply for that job, but not so I would get it. No, I believe He wanted me to experience that pivotal and necessary moment of true character that allows a person to let go and know… the friend-fruit is good. He was teaching me. And, having a new job was the opposite of His plan for me. I’ll write about that on a later date.

Today, Stephanie and I are even better friends. We do not speak everyday and we don’t know every detail of each others lives but we surely are friends. She is the kind of friend I can call up and ask to challenge my thinking. She is the kind of friend who I know will be honest with me even if it might sting a little bit. She is the kind of friend who reminds me that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect when I am too hard on myself. I only hope I am the same kind of friend back to her! We have shared some struggles and have been able to laugh at ourselves together. We have shared some victories and have rejoiced together. We’ve cried together, been nervous together, poured out awful coffee together, laughed at fake proverbs together, had God’s blinding flash of the obvious hit us together and most importantly… prayed together. I am very thankful for her in my life. I understand what the word ‘friend’ means today because of her. I have been able to build some other amazing friendships in my life because of her example and gifts. My fruit has improved dramatically because of her influence in my life. Thank you God for sending Stephanie my way! Thank you Stephanie for being my friend.

Inspired By a Blurry Picture

The week after Christmas, I was sitting at my kitchen table with my son helping him write thank you notes to everyone for his Christmas presents this year and something happened to me that hadn't happened in awhile. I heard a voice in my head... it was uncomfortable yet tried to sound as though it were confident. It boldly said this to me...

“Wendy... you haven't had a drink in 4 years. You're not really an alcoholic. I mean, if you were an alcoholic, you wouldn't have been able to go 4 years without a drink. It’s okay for you to drink. You can just have one or two... you'd be fine. Go ahead. You deserve it.”

For a nanosecond a little flicker of hope rose in me... maybe I can drink just one or two! But another nanosecond later I laughed at the voice remembering the truth… there is no doubt that I am an alcoholic. A flash of my old life hit me. I drank a lot and had no control. I did horrible embarrassing things that any good and decent person would feel ashamed of. I drank and wasn't able to stop at one or two. I drank to feel better, I drank to hide pain, I drank to celebrate, I drank for no reason, I drank even when I didn't want to... I drank just to breathe. And in the end, my drinking led me to not want to breathe anymore. All of these past memories were blurry, black and white pictures, but their blurriness and blandness didn't hide their truth. I am an alcoholic. As for not drinking for the last 4 years, there is only one reason I have not had a drink and it's not because I am not an alcoholic. It is because God has blessed me with day by day sobriety. God is the only reason my blurry, monochrome past isn't a very vivid full-color HD real-life picture of my present.

I laughed at the lying voice in my head and put its fire out as if I were smashing the butt of the very last cigarette I ever smoked. Secrets give a great foothold to the devil so I immediately stood from my chair and let the battle that had just raged in my head come out of my mouth and become real... I went to my husband and told him the thoughts that had just passed through my head. I then went to the phone and called my sponsor to talk it through. I have many more one-day-at-a-time's tacked onto my sobriety since then. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve done a lot of reflection on myself in the last six months. It turns out I’ve made some mistakes even after getting sober. This was hard for me accept since I thought I was fairly close to perfect just because I quit drinking (ha ha). After working hard to get sober through self-honesty, I got a little lazy. I may not have been drinking, but several of my character defects moved into high gear. Apparently I was highly addicted to drama and didn’t realize it. I had the propensity not to shut my mouth when I should and my boundaries in friendship skills needed a lot of work. The perception I had that I was supposed to be more perfect in life after getting sober coupled with a giant ego made me unable to clearly see these additional defects of character as they were pouring out of me.

Fast forward a few years and the character defeats I listed above mixed with the character defect of some others made for an extremely toxic environment for me, and them. Finally God made me so uncomfortable in my own skin that I broke. Just like with my drinking, He forced me to come back to Him and take a good long look at myself. It was only then I was able to see those defects clearly. I winced and cringed as I faced them and asked the questions… “What do I do about it? How can I move closer to who God means for me to be?”

Another fast forward… with God’s help, I have examined my ways with all the honesty I could muster. With my therapist’s help I have added some tools to my tool box to assist me in changing the yucky stuff. With my sponsors help, I’ve stayed sober through it. With God’s perfect prompting, I have made my amends to the people I hurt along the way which was no easy task. There was (and still is) a lot of pain associated with these events and as we all know, it takes two to tango. Everyone has their own view and their own version of the story based on their perceptions. A little white lie can turn into a giant snowball in which the truth is so deeply hidden even the people involved can’t see it. But God tells me, all I can concern myself with is MY mistakes, MY wrongs and MY failings. Through all this, especially after making the amends, I can say I have found a certain amount of peace about that part of my life. I have also made some major changes by removing myself from involvement in activities out of obedience to God for the purpose of distancing myself from the destruction of the past. My spirit has changed yet again but for the good, even though there was a lot of suffering along the way.

It’s been hard to admit to myself that yes… I have enjoyed drama too much. Yes… my mouth has gotten out of control and yes… I haven’t really known how to build and maintain a healthy friendship. But, admitting these things has allowed me to be more aware of who I was, who I don’t want to be and most importantly, who I hope to be in the future. With God’s help, there has been a lot of progress… and more to come. I’m curious as to what my next set of defects will bring about. I’m hoping it won’t be as painful, but I guess sometimes that’s what it takes. I’m so glad I finally have peace over this part of my past. It is a welcomed relief.

So why then, did my spirit get all discombobulated about all of this same junk again at the mere mention of a person from that past who has made yet another accusation of me? I thought I had worked through all of this… wasn’t my spirit at peace? In an instant it didn’t matter that the accusation was untrue, it didn’t matter that I had already made my amends, it didn’t matter that I knew God had forgiven me for my part and my wrongs. No, these past memories were vivid full-color HD larger than life pictures of ME. Just a glimpse at them and I was right back there in the moment feeding on drama, saying too much and showing the world what a bad friend I was. In short… I was an awful person making terrible mistakes, ruining everything for myself (and if I want to dive even deeper into self pity, I could even say I was ruining everything for everyone else… wahhhh). Ugh, my life and spirit were sucked dry in an instant. The picture was clear…I believed I AM a horrible sinner… I believed I AM a horrible person. And that was my reality. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment surrounded me.

I did the only thing I knew to do, and that was pray. I spent 30 minutes in direct contact with God begging Him to lift this discomfort from me. I apologized to Him yet again for my sins just to clarify that I knew what they were and that I was indeed sorry. Towards the end of my prayer, I prayed for the individual whose mere mention had brought about these awful feelings. I prayed for that person, I asked God to give them everything I was asking for… everything I desired… give it to them. To my amazement, I meant it.

I went about my day not even realizing… I hadn’t thought about it again after that. My peace resumed that quickly, and I didn’t even notice. I should have said thank you but didn’t so I will say it now. Thank you God. You are a miracle worker!

I recalled the voice that entered my head as I wrote thanks you’s with my son, the one that told me I wasn’t an alcoholic… the one that tried to convince me I could drink. I wondered why that hadn’t brought me back to a place of shame, guilt and embarrassment like this other thing had. I mean by all means, it should have, but it didn’t. What was the difference?

The pictures of the past I saw when looking at alcoholic Wendy were blurry, black and white pictures of a person who ceased to exist. Their blurriness and blandness didn't hide the specifics of who this person used to be. Yes, I’m well aware of who I was then and I remember the things I did. What the blurriness did though was keep me from becoming absorbed in the past… it blocked the shame, guilt and embarrassment and allowed me to jump to the truth immediately. Yes, I am an alcoholic and I wasn’t a very nice person back then… but I’m not that same person anymore. God is with me and has forgiven me. I need not go back there… all I need to do is live in today and who I am now. Truth: I am a new creation now.

The pictures I saw when reminded of the other situation were different. They were vivid, full-color, pictures of ME… not former me… but me. And that was when I realized what the difference was…

TRUTH.

I was buying into a lie. The devil was selling me a colorful lie about myself and I was falling for it because I myself wasn’t standing firm on the truth of God’s forgiveness of my former sins. The devil wanted me to believe I was still back there in the midst of those defects, an unforgiven wretch. He wanted me to relive it and beat myself up… to be ashamed and embarrassed. He wanted me to keep asking God to forgive me over and over and over… even though I didn’t need to. AH HA… the difference was the TRUTH.

The more I embrace God’s truth, the more the color in those pictures will fade and the clarity will have no choice but to blur. Truth: I am forgiven. Truth: I am not who I used to be. Truth: God has changed me. Truth: I am a new creation. The truth is, that version of Wendy doesn’t exist anymore… she is hanging out with alcoholic Wendy somewhere in never-never land.

I’ve been sober for 4 years and yes I have worked through the majority of my drinking issues and have found peace. Since I will always be susceptible to relapse, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and sell me a lie. And just the same, even though I have worked through the majority of issues surrounding those defects which wrecked havoc on my life not so long ago and have found peace, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and drag me back into shame, guilt and embarrassment.

I think it’s kind of funny that the devil’s scheme to try and get me to drink totally backfired on him. The blurry picture from my drinking days inspired me to make sure all the pictures of things that have been handled appropriately by my Heavenly Father also got blurred. God is amazing.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Ephesians 6: 10-18

35 Minutes with Satan

I like to have a warm drink in the morning, it sort of sets my day right. It’s probably because I used to be an obsessive coffee drinker but ever since I began taking ADD medication, caffeine and I don’t get along at all. I’ve switched to decaf mostly, or warm apple cider or teas. Sunday mornings, I usually take my warm drink with me to Sunday school in a travel mug. This passed Sunday, it was warm decaf tea.

We go to a relatively large church, not a huge “mega-church” but a church that fills 4 services each weekend without problem. I’d say our sanctuary can easily hold about 350 people comfortably at one time. We attend the 11:00 service which is a “blended” service, meaning it is a good mix of traditional and contemporary styles blended together. It’s casual and I enjoy it, even though I am a very contemporary worship kinda girl.

By the time 11:00 worship began this passed Sunday, I had not finished my tea. It’s a casual environment so I took my travel mug into worship with me instead of taking it out to the car. I wasn’t interested in drinking the rest, I was just being lazy – plus it was cold outside. We sat in one of the back sections. That is where we are most comfortable although unlike a typical Lutheran we move around to difference spots all the time (that’s a joke). Variety is good.

When we sat down I purposely placed my half empty travel mug on the floor to my left away from where my son was sitting on my right. I could just see him knocking it over and it making a loud noise. I wanted to avoid that. I placed it by the leg of the pew in front of us, nestling it under far enough so it would be difficult to bump over.

After the Pastor opened up worship, he invited us to greet those around us…a pass the peace and meet your neighbor kind of thing. I went down the aisle to my right to say hellos to a few people while my husband, who was on my left, greeted some people in front of us who had turned around.

When I turned back to my spot I saw something horrible… and it happened in slow motion. My dear husband, who I love and adore, stepped forward slightly and kicked my travel mug. The mug flopped over sideways crashing to the floor… the crash of it falling over was not audible since people were greeting one another… but what I saw next mortified me.

The travel mug hit the floor so hard that the lid popped off. The half empty mug became completely empty in a matter of seconds. My heart skipped a beat as one of my worst nightmares became a reality.

It’s just a spill, no big deal, right? Just wipe it up and move on with life… hmmmm… not so easy. You can only wipe up the spill if it stays in one spot, and since our church has stadium style seating… translation: slanted floor… the spill fell victim to the laws of gravity and very quickly (although I saw it in slow motion) began to flow forward. Forward from the back of the church where we sat… all the way to the front. One by one, pew by pew, the people began to turn back and look to see where this mysterious liquid was coming from. One lady’s purse got dowsed… and all I could do it stand there mortified with my hand over my mouth. I felt the weight of eyes on me… I can’t remember being this embarrassed in forever. My husband ran to get some paper towels, as did I. We wiped up what we could then I went down the aisle on the side during the next hymn and offered paper towels to everyone who had endured the tea river.

Back at my seat I knew I had done all I could do. A mistake had been made and we did what we could to resolve it but my heart and mind were spinning in anxiety. The sound of my heart beating in my chest was so loud that I couldn’t hear a word that was being said in the service. Pastor had just done confession and absolution and we were about the sing the next song.

I was absorbed in my own emotions in those moments. My light-hearted mood had quickly turned to… heavy and unhappy. Thoughts swarmed at me… “Should I leave? Should I run? Should I never show my face again in the place? Is this what I’m going to be remembered for, the tea spiller? I imagined the pastor wagging his finger at me saying, “that’s why you shouldn’t have drinks in the sanctuary.” Oh and that lady’s purse, was it leather? Should I offer to replace it? Should I mop the floor after church? Will the Pastor slip and fall in front of everyone because of me?”

I looked up as first lesson was being read. It was then that I realized I had not heard a word that had been said in church so far. I became completely aware I was focusing on the wrong thing in that moment. I knew I could make a decision… to let the slow motion memory of the “great spill of 2011” go and focus on what God had to give me –OR- I could choose to stay in my current state of mind of worry and negativity and give myself over to Satan for a bit longer. I’d like to tell you I chose wisely, but I didn’t. I chose to give some more energy to Satan… and I sat there unable to listen, focus or think of anything other than “the Spill.” I continued torturing myself for another 15 minutes.

The sermon was now over and the choice was offered to me again… let it go so I can focus on God –OR- let Satan continue his party dance on my self-esteem. I am glad to say that I was able, with God’s help, to get myself back on track at that point. I asked God to remove the things blocking me from Him and allow me to move on productively. God is so good, He came through and the devil was squashed yet again. I was able to participate with all my heart in the last 15 minutes of the service, which I was glad for. I still have our final song in my head… and it was a good one.

After service, I went to the church kitchen and got some rags to clean up my mess. When I returned to the sanctuary I realized, there really wasn’t that much to clean up. The spill had looked far worse to me than it really was. In my mind I saw a giant river… but in reality it was a little trickle. And that is how Satan gets me. He makes me perceive reality much differently than it really is so he can help my mind over-react and make bad choices. Oh how I wish I could get rid of that piece of my human nature that likes to torture itself.

Today, I can choose to sit back and beat myself up for falling victim to the father of lies because I didn’t hear much of what was said at service; I can choose to allow myself to feel guilty for spending 35 minutes of my Sunday with Satan or I can choose to simply accept what happened and thank God for His grace. I may not have heard the Pastor’s message but God certainly taught me a lesson. There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have allowed God to “snap” me away from Satan’s lies that quickly. Five years ago, I may have run away that very moment and never returned to the church again. Three years ago I may have just stayed away a few weeks. Two years ago, I may have just let the junk rule and ruin my thoughts for an entire week. Instead of feeling badly, I chose to see God’s victory over the devil in the fact that Satan only got 35 minutes from me this time. And because of those 35 minutes, I praise God all the more. In a sense, Satan’s temporary “hold” only brought me closer to understanding God’s never-ending love for me. Next time, and there will be a next time no doubt, I’m hoping to shorten it to 15 minutes.

I am getting closer and closer every day to understanding more of how God’s love works. I didn't get it before and now I am. I am getting closer to understanding that I’m never going to get it right, and that is okay only because of Jesus. The words actually make sense. I’m really starting to grasp that His grace is sufficient for all my sin. Grace ... is something I am embracing, finally. So what if Satan had me for 35 minutes this Sunday… in the end the joke is really on him. After all, having me in his hands was merely a perception on his part because reality is clear… I am God’s and God’s alone… for eternity. John 10:27-28 “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”

Thankful 2010

This Thanksgiving day2010, I am thankful that:

• My family is healthy and happy (happy most the time anyway)
• My husband is so patient, loving, understanding and forgiving. He is surely my better half.
• My husband loves his job and gets to work from home.
• My son is so creative and makes me smile... and never holds a grudge :)
• My son is doing well in Kindergarten, has a great teacher and is having fun learning.
• I am still sober.
• God led me to a new therapist that diagnosed me with ADD.
• An awesome scientist created Adderall.
• My gall bladder is GONE!
• My new dentist isn't a thief and I don't have 9 cavities as the liar dentist told me. Thank you Dr. Jason Zimmerman (new friend and pediatric dentist) for referring me to the most honest dentist I have ever met, Dr. Dan Hong, Precinct Line Dentistry, NRH
• God placed me with a wonderful Bible Study small group... Mary, Beverly, Cindy, Davonna, Earline, & Cathy - I will miss you while we are on break!
• I lost some old friends but learned some very hard but valuable lessons from it.
• I gained some amazing new friends... Suzi B., Cindy Midkiff, Stephanie C.
• I am getting to know some new ladies I really like... Cindy Maxwell, Karin S., Jamie W.
• I am fully committed to one church home, Peace Lutheran, Hurst!!!
• Dustin and Kellie are still my friends.
• My friend Suzi is the kind of friend I can tell anything to and know she is gonna love me anyway.
  
• God allowed me to help Celebrate Recovery at COH get started!
• My new pound puppy, Goldie, is a total joy and not a big pain in the butt!
• We found Man's Best Friend NRH to help us train our dog correctly.
• I still have a wonderful sponsor who is always there for me (hugs and kisses to you).
• The "Heart Smart" retreat was such a success! And through the planning, Stephanie showed me true friendship and how taking friendship slowly really pays off. Thank you Stephanie!!!
  
• That Heather came back from Cambodia and is healthy, happy and engaged to Richie.
• My husband supports my weekend retreats away from the world!
• With my hubby by my side, I caught my first fish in Florida... Surf Fishing!
• Brett and I had a super fun summer together... swimming, crafts, bass pro fun camp, my mom visited (very thankful for that), Lido, Dallas Aquarium, play doh, playing restaurant and zoo keeper... just to name a few.
• My hubby had the skills, patience and desire to fix several broken things on his own... sprinkler system, car window motor, washing machine... just to name a few.
• We had a wonderful camping trip to Devil's Den State Park.
• I have wonderful, caring In-Law's.
• Vanessa moved to Texas (and I am super proud of all her progress and growth)
• Marissa and I didn't drown at the Water Gardens! And that she came to visit and we had a great time together... I love you Marissa!!!
• We are going to be in Virginia with my parents at Christmas!!! I haven't seen my dad all year and I will get to see my sister and her family too!
• Facebook allows me to keep up with my sister and her family (I love you Kristi, Brian, Alyssa and Reiley).
• Facebook reconnected me with two wonderful people from high school... Jennie and Stephanie.
• Jennie calls me every time she chops an onion.
• That attending my high school reunion is not required by law.
• We have the best babysitter in the world for my son... Rachael is awesome!
• There is at least one flavor of gluten free and preservative free crackers I like.
• I have kicked my caffeine addiction completely and have learned to love water.
• I finally broke down and got a smartphone! I'm not obsessed with the computer anymore 'cause its at my fingertips.
• We were invited to spend Thanksgiving with some wonderful people (thank you SO much Jamie)... and I only have to make mashed potatoes and pie :)
• God shows up even when I don't.
• God loves me enough to want to show me that all I have to be is me, nothing else needed. I'm fighting it... but I'm trying.
• Jesus lived and died for me.

And to think with all the ups and downs this year I was worried it would be one of the worst ever... its turned out to be one of the best! An attitude of gratitude truly does pay off.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

You might be if...

This is NOT supposed to be funny. This is a real peek into my alcoholic life and it's sad. I thank the Lord everyday that I didn't DIE due to my alcoholism.

You might be an alcoholic if...
you consistently hide your drinking from someone you love, respect and trust.

You might be an alcoholic if...

you have a picture in your memory album of the server you used most on your very first cruise AND you still remember his name (Eduardo). Don't panic... this alone does not mean you are an alcoholic.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the very first wedding planning decision you made was to switch to white wine (even though you hated the taste of it) just so you wouldn't have to worry about spilling red wine on your white dress.


You might be an alcoholic if...
the only time you drink is when you are happy... or mad... or sad... or excited... or celebrating... or blah... or lonely... or trying to embrace or avoid feelings.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the words "adult beverage" appeared on the invitation to your son's first birthday party.
(p.s. I don't live there anymore so don't even try to find me at that address)


You might be an alcoholic if...

you have ever gotten into a car (alone) with two complete strangers then ended up in some place crazy...like in a 40-year-old drug dealer's basement.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you drink even when you don't want to.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the first panic attack you ever experienced was in a grocery store isle as the clerk explained that you had just moved to a DRY town (that was in 2003 - Bedford ain't DRY no more).


You might be an alcoholic if...
you drink alone. Drinking alone is NOT normal.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you NEED to have multiple boxes of bad tasting wine in your fridge to sleep well at night (and you are the only one drinking it).


You might be an alcoholic if...

you have ever driven to a gas station to buy booze just so you could pass off the expense to your spouse as a gas purchase.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you completely ignore the warning labels on your prescriptions that say "do not consume alcohol while taking this medication". Seriously people, do you realize that consumption of alcohol nixes the effects of most every prescription drug??? I took depression meds for YEARS while drinking heavily. I could have just flushed cash down the toilet and gotten the same result.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you have ever sneaked your empty bottles into the neighbor's recycle bin on the curb so your trash man wouldn't think you're a drunk.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you promise yourself you are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to drink again AND you mean it BUT you are unable to keep the promise no matter how hard you try.


You might be an alcoholic if...

filling your glass back up with wine before it is empty still only counts as one glass in your head.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you really truly believe the lie that you are a better driver when you are loaded.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you purchase your booze at several different locations just so the clerks won't realize how much you are buying.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the people you consider your "closest" friends are all regulars at the same bar and you don't know any of their last names.


You might be an alcoholic if...
the only Sunday you look forward to attending church is on communion Sunday (those Lutherans are big on Port you know).


You might be an alcoholic if...

you instinctively lie to your Dr. when he or she asks you how much you drink.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you randomly tell people you are a recovering alcoholic BUT you don't really think you are an alcoholic at all SO you still drinking regularly.
The good news here is that you are closer than you have ever been to actually becoming a recovering alcoholic... good luck!


And last but definitely not least...


You might be an alcoholic if...

you've ever wondered if you are an alcoholic. People without an alcohol issue never ask themselves that... because it is not an issue.
(You don't wonder if you are pregnant if you've never had sex. You don't wonder if you have irritable bowel syndrome if you never have problems with digestion. You don't wonder if you are a diabetic if you don't have blood-sugar issues. You don't wonder if you are a homosexual if you've never been attracted to the same sex. I rest my case.)

All of these "you might be if" statements were true in my life and as I said... this is NOT supposed to be funny. Only you can decide if you are or aren't an alcoholic. If you think you might be... get help. I quit many times on my own... only to start again. The time I was really able to quit... I didn't do it, God did it for me with the help of others who knew what to tell me to do.

You Only Know What You Know

You only know what you know… know what I mean? When you tell people you were raised in a normal family… remember normal is all relative to what you know. If you grew up in a house where there were no rules or consequences… then that is normal. If your parents spanked you when you misbehaved… that was normal. If you were raised by wolves, well that would be normal too.

You only know what you know.

At the age of 5, my son Brett has now been a ring bearer in two weddings. The first time was for his Aunt Marissa and Uncle Richard’s nuptials. Even though his title was “ring bearer,” little Brett’s job wasn’t really about the rings… it was more about the dog. He walked Marissa and Richard’s dog down the isle and to say it was the cutest thing ever would be an understatement. Brett’s second stint as ring bearer was just last weekend at my cousin Ceci’s wedding. This time, it was all about the rings. He was given a little pillow with two rings attached to it and his job was to safely take the rings to their destination. He was even given a t-shirt that said “Ring Security.” Very cute. Brett was excited, I mean he was having a blast as the hours ticked down to the actual wedding but for some unknown reason, Brett’s attitude changed dramatically right before it was time for him to do his job. I ended up having to walk with him down the isle… and once he was up front I sat down. I was watching him, and the only thing I can say was he was not happy. As a mom, I was embarrassed by his scowl and attitude at such a joyous occasion. I figured it was better for him to just come and sit with me than to stand there with that look on his face… mad, or whatever it was. I was mortified. I motioned him to come sit with me and he did. He sat on my lap and began to cry… and they were real tears from a boy who was truly upset. I took him to a room in the back of the church as the ceremony continued without us. Once there, he bashfully showed me the ring bearer pillow… only one ring remained attached. Through his tears he barely was able to confess, “I lost one of the rings mommy. I’m sorry.” The embarrassment of my child’s behavior melted away and compassion along with empathy filled my heart for this boy whose only desire was to do a good job. He was truly sorry and all I could do was hug him and tell him it was going to be okay. What little Brett didn’t know was this… the rings on his little pillow weren’t real, they were just for show. I’m pretty sure people stopped putting real rings on ring bearer pillows a long time ago for this very reason. I told him the real rings were in the best man’s pocket. My explanation didn’t really help though, because Brett only knew what he knew.

I didn’t know I needed to explain the fake rings to him. I didn’t know I needed to tell him his walk down the isle was really just for show. I didn’t know I needed to protect him from the pressure he was putting on himself. Had I known, I would have better prepared him but… I only knew what I knew at the time.

Yep, you only know what you know.

Have you ever seen something you wish you could un-see??? Back in 1991, I was driving down a highway in Georgia, I saw a medium sized black lab with a red bandana around his neck come running full speed toward the highway. I saw him and knew what was about to happen and I was helpless to stop it. He looked so happy and free as his paws galloped in front of the white beat-up Ford truck driving in front of me. I have a vivid memory or what happened next. I can’t even tell you how many tears I cried trying to get that visual out of my head. The thing that made it so hard was the bandana… the red bandana that had been so carefully and thoughtfully placed on the dog that day. His owners no doubt loved him. Nope, I can’t un-see that. And just recently, I witnessed a 6 month old baby falling out of the high cabin of a truck. He toppled out head first, landing on the cement. It was a pure accident which happened in my view in slow motion as his mother turned away from him for only a split second in order to prepare his stroller for the walk they were about to go on. I can’t un-see that either.

How about this… have you ever found something out you wish you didn’t know? Maybe a best friend confessed to you that they were having an affair with another best friend’s husband. Try as you might, you can’t un-know that. Maybe you discovered that the person you have been charged with sponsoring in a recovery program has fallen off the wagon… and has been lying to you about it for weeks or months. You know it’s not your fault, but at the same time knowing it changes everything about your relationship with them and it hurts. Your fiancé comes home from work one day and says, “We need to talk… I can’t marry you because I am already married, and I am not getting a divorce.” As much as you want to un-know that… you simply can’t. Things will never be the same. In these situations… knowing certain things can really present a problem. Yes, you can’t un-know what you know… and in these cases ignorance certainly seems like bliss.

But do you know what I think is more of a problem than knowing things you don’t want to know… is not allowing yourself to learn the things you need to know. After all, you only know what you know… and that can be a great excuse not to change.

I see this all the time in peoples’ lives as I work in ministry... I also see it in my own life. Ignorance can seem like such bliss for a time but in the end, ignorance leads to hell (figuratively and quite possibly literally too).

A few days after my little ring bearer lost a ring, he asked me a very interesting question. “Mommy, if the rings on the pillow weren’t real… why did they have me do it?” What a profound question from the mouth of a five year old.

In life, it seems we do a lot of things for one reason… because that is the way we have always done them. We only know what we know so we stick with it. Change is hard. The thought of change makes us afraid we might see something we can’t un-see, like the dog whose life ended abruptly in front of me in such a cruel way. Or the baby whose blood I wore on my shirt for an afternoon after I helped his mother. We might be forced to look at how our drinking is affecting the people we love, how our attitude makes people not want to be our friends, how our lack of humility makes us appear judgmental, how our foul mouths show what’s really in our hearts, how our soft parenting is creating insecurity within our children, how our lack of trust is driving our spouse away, how our gossipy mouths makes us untrustworthy, how our lack of follow-through makes us seem undependable, how our need for attention displays our insecurity, how our reluctance to pray is an indication of our lack of faith, how ,when we look in the mirror, deep down inside we know that most of our problems… are our own fault. When we finally see that… we can’t un-see it.

So we put the fake rings on a pillow, and smile as we walk down the isle so the show can continue. After all, putting the real rings on the pillow is a risk most people aren’t willing to take.

You only know what you know.

I’ve learned through the years, that my own private hell isn’t very fun… even if it is all I know, its still not fun. I decided to open my eyes…and yes, I saw the death of a dog and many other unsavory things but with it has come something beautiful… the realization that I care about life, even the life of dogs. I care about people enough to wear a stranger’s blood on my shirt. I care about myself enough to see how my drinking affected the people I love, how my attitude in the past has made people not want to be my friend, how my lack of humility has made me appear judgmental, how my foul mouth has shown others what’s really in my heart, how my soft parenting has creating insecurity within my child, how my lack of trust has driven my spouse away at times, how my gossipy mouth makes me untrustworthy, how my lack of follow-through makes me seem undependable, how my need for attention displays my deep insecurity, how my reluctance to pray is an indication of my doubts, and how, when I look in the mirror, deep down inside I know that most of my problems… are my own fault. And I care enough about my relationship with God to want to face those things one at a time so that I might be closer to Him who loves me more than I can fathom.

You only know what you know... as for me, I hope I never stop wanting to know more.

Argue

In my humble opinion, anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of politics create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of politics in the United States. Part of being here is being free to think, believe and speak what we feel and think. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a particular politicians platform is so silly. I highly doubt any politician would be passionate enough about YOU to lose his or her good friend over you. I know not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about certain things, but I don't let that effect how I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it. They will, let you be you.

The same thing could be said about Christianity... anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of Christianity create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of Christianity. The point of being a Christian is to be molded and formed into a "Christ-like" shape. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a Christian point of view is so silly. I know for a FACT that Jesus died for ALL of us... believers and unbelievers, sinners and bigger sinners, republicans and even democrats (sorry, I couldn't resist). I believe whole heartedly that God IS more passionate about YOU than you can ever be about Him... whether you believe it or not. I know that not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about Jesus, but I don't let that effect the way I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it... but a good friend will also pray for you while letting you be who you are. A good friend will also share the Good News with you when the time is right.

In the end, the one thing I believe about arguing is this... arguing is a supreme act of faithlessness... for if you truly believed with all your heart you would never be so insecure about your belief that you would HAVE to sway someone to YOUR side. You would just simply believe and have faith in that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a silent Christian... I am not a Sunday Christian and I am not a Christian who does nothing and simply says I'm a Christian. I am a proud Christian (sometimes too proud)... but I know that it isn't me that created my faith. God put His hand on me and gave me the gift of this faith. I humbly thank Him for that. I humbly thank Him for the journey.

If you want to argue about politics, whether the democrats or the republicans are better or smarter, if an elephant can kick an asses ass, or if Obama is great or the devil incarnate... go ahead ... but not with me. The truth is... we are ALL flawed. I'd much rather talk about and try to be something that is more eternally important... love. It's a hard job. It's a tough thing to do... and I fail everyday. But I try then I dust myself off every morning, clothe myself in the cleansing waters of my baptism, allow God to turn my crimson red sin into freshly fallen snow and with all the good intentions in the world, I step out and I try again. I stand firm on my Christianity, I have faith in my loving, incredible God and I will not argue about Him. And if I won't argue about something as important as God... I surely will not argue about something as pointless as politics.

365 Days

I want to start out this writing by saying that it is not meant to cause anyone to feel any particular feeling. It has not been put to paper to force any sort of reaction and I have not posted it to my blog to gain any sort of feedback or response. No… I am writing this for my own purposes, for my own mental health… and perhaps to just help me reconcile my perception with reality and recognize my unrealistic expectations of others.

To say we humans are selfish is an understatement. We were born that way. We have an intrinsic nature that makes us naturally concerned with numbero uno… me, myself, and I… the big kahuna… the center of the universe… me, me, me… ME!!!!

Even those of us who work diligently at helping others, attempting to step outside of ourselves and trying to be a good example of Christ… still have an ego to contend with. I bet even Mother Theresa had moments where she felt like, “can’t it just be about me for once?”

Because of my own selfishness through the years, I have come to really dislike my birthday. I suppose I have always had unrealistic expectations of others around me to think they would find this one day of the year, July 1st, to be something special. After all, it is just one day of 365 of them. Why would July 1st be treated any differently than the rest of them? But for some reason, my birthday has always brought about hopes that it would be nice to special, at least for the day.

What’s really funny is my birthday really shouldn’t be about me at all. It should be about my mother. I mean she’s the one who did all the hard work… she’s the one who suffered pain to give me life… why shouldn’t my birthday be a celebration of her sacrifice? After all, what did I do on July 1, 1972… nothing really. God had created me and He knew me long before that moment in time. Yes, my mother deserves the special treatment on July 1st… but society’s selfishness rears its ugly head again… and makes the birthday about me, me, me.

Keeping in mind that selfishness is the biggest disease of our humanness… it only makes sense that the people around us… strangers, acquaintances, friends and family alike are much more vested in their own existence than in anyone else's. And it is for this reason, the birthday of importance in their lives is most definitely their own, and not anyone else's. To take part in the celebration of another's birthday is a beautiful thing… but it takes intentionality and care.

I mean, the first thing you need to do is actually come into the knowledge of when a person’s birthday is. That information doesn’t normally just fall into your lap; although there are some people who walk around announcing their birth date to everyone they meet. But even after that, it takes mental acuity (or a pen and a calendar) to set that date aside as a day to, at the very least, say “Happy Birthday” to someone. Beyond that there are different levels of celebratory gifting. A greeting, a card, a gift, a party… a surprise party, a trip… and it can go on. I know people who actually celebrate their birthdays for an entire week. Geez!

It is no surprise that the ones closest to us are the ones who take more care and interest in remembering our birthdays. After all, they care for us, they are part of our lives, they are around us, they don’t want us to be disappointed or sad… and certainly don’t want to get on our bad side because we all know that can be trouble.

This year, July 1, 2010, I had a lovely birthday. It was very quiet and low key. I spent the day with my son. Opened some presents when my hubby got home. Went out to dinner and got my favorite meal. We had a really great time as a family and I have to say – it was one of my best birthday’s ever just because my happiness in those moments with my son and husband were so genuine and real.

My parents sent me some very special, well thought-out gifts and I felt very loved. I suppose I should mention that my love language is “Gifts” so give me a gift… and boy do I feel special!!! My mother and father in-law also sent me a few things in the mail that were also special. Hubby did great with his gifts to me (nothing that plugs in – yay). I got a few phone calls, one from my sister and one from my brother. I spoke with my sister-in-law, Marissa, and one other friend. I got about 20 facebook Happy Birthdays on my wall, which was nice… but I know how that works. When it’s someone’s birthday it shows up on your page and its one of the easiest things in the world to just click on the reminder, get to their page and type “H-A-P-P-Y_B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y” on their wall. It’s nice… but let’s face it, probably mostly coincidence and surely in most cases, not very intentional. I did however make sure I sent back a personal note to every single person who wished my H.B. on my wall because whether they realized it or not, I reallyappreciated the time it took to do what they did.

But something happened after my birthday passed. Remember I said it was a good one… simple but very meaningful... my Husband, my son, parents (regular and in-law) succeeded in making me feel very special! But even with that, the devil began chatting in my ear. He knows this is one of those sore spots for me and it was a GREAT opportunity for him to dig at me. I have a handful of what I would consider really good friends… not one of them even called me. Not one of them sent me a card… of course no gift… and out of the handful… only 3 wished me happy birthday on my facebook page. Hmmmm…. I thought a little further… I didn’t get one birthday card in the mail this year. And… 3 of the people who are very involved in my life… who I know are aware of my birthday… didn’t acknowledge it at all. I recalled 365 days earlier… my first surprise birthday dinner ever thanks to my husband, but with that recollection I also was faced with realizing the person who helped plan that surprise dinner, didn’t say word one to me this year about my birthday. Granted a lot has changed in that 365 days.

I know this is selfish! I know it… I know I am whining… but this has been wearing at me. These thoughts… these selfish thoughts about what I didn’t get have been stealing the joy of what I did get. This intrinsic selfishness that drives unrealistic expectation of others who they themselves are just as selfish as I am… has dampened my mood and I again have this feeling of not liking my birthday… at all. I suppose I have the devil to thank for all of that… I have myself to thank for listening to his nonsense. But is it all nonsense? Is there this appropriate reality check that needs to happen regarding my boundaries that says... if someone doesn’t know me well enough to know how I feel about this... if someone doesn’t care enough about me to even attempt to remember... perhaps we aren’t as close as I thought we were? Is that the devil? Or is that real? I don't know.

I know life happens, and everyone has stuff going on I am not aware of… and I even have to admit I have forgotten birthdays of great importance to me – and I have felt AWFUL about it because this is something that is obviously near and dear to my heart. I am fully aware that my selfishness is of less importance to others than their own selfishness. I just wish this whole birthday thing didn’t make me feel so… conflicted. I suppose I’m the only one who has control over that. I suppose the only way out is to give those feelings to Jesus and ask Him to bear the burden of it for me.

Ah ha... God just told me of something. It doesn’t matter who does and doesn’t help make me feel special on July 1st, or any other day of the year for that matter. Because guess what... in God’s eyes... I’m special EVERY SINGLE DAY... not just on July 1st. The creator of the universe desires to make me feel special ALL THE TIME but I, selfish me, stand in the way of that by letting the devil, society and unrealistic expectations of others sour my view, by focusing on what I didn't get rather than what I did get. I NEED to be fully satisfied with God' love for me... He didn't give me perfection but He did give me eternal life through Jesus, a gift to be truly thankful for. With that I will stop my whining and try to move on being less selfish.

Easy Equals Dead Sod in the Front Yard

Our neighborhood has had an across-the-board problem this year… dead grass. Some yards lost nearly all their grass while some yards just had spots not make it. It seemed to be all types of grass too, not just one particular kind. The neighborhood we live in takes this pretty seriously, since everyone, at least that I can tell, finds it a high priority to keep the entire neighborhood looking very tidy. There is a lot of pride in our neighborhood (in a good way) and it shows in the appearance as you ride down the street.

I must let you know that taking pride in the yard upkeep doesn’t necessarily mean the people in our neighborhood take pride in doing it themselves… no. It is quite the opposite. I would say that 95% of the residents in our neighborhood hire this job out to landscaping companies. On any given day, you can see one of those trucks with the long trailer with 3 mowers and a bunch of other lawn equipment on the back of it parked in front of a house with 3 to 5 guys hard at work to ‘get er done’ (coincidence that there are empty beer cans in the street after they pull away??? That’s a whole other article). My point here is that taking pride in something doesn’t necessarily mean that you are willing to do the hard part yourself. Sometimes it is just easier to let someone else do it. And that isn’t always a bad thing… it’s simply a reality… a choice… and sometimes a necessary choice. Ryan and I are part of the 5% of residents that take care of our own yard, on our own time, along with our next door neighbors, Tom and Jane.

This summer, when all the grass problems came to light I heard a myriad of reasons passing through the neighborhood. Some people thought it was the root systems of large trees that caused the damage. Some people blamed it on bugs. Some people blamed it on the cold weather…. or maybe even the hot weather… poor watering??? But the explanation I heard most often was… fungus. Okay, so collectively, the neighborhood has blamed the grass problem on fungus. But the blame didn’t stop there. Residents have gone a little further and said that the landscaping companies must have brought the fungus in on their equipment and infected the neighborhood because they were not taking proper care of their mowers and such. Hmmmm. Sounds like a good excuse to me… could even be true but if that were the case… why did our grass suffer the same fate? We have St. Augustine grass and we lost almost all of half of our yard and then a few patches on the other side.

Some people have fired their landscaping companies and hired new ones. Some people are trying to get reduced prices for services… and as always, some people aren’t doing anything but complaining and defaming others in the process.

Regardless of how the yard owners are handling it logically (or illogically), the problem still remains… dead grass and some pretty rough looking yards. The blame part really doesn’t matter does it? The problem doesn’t get fixed by figuring out whose fault it was? No, the problem gets fixed when you put a plan of action together and then work it.

Some plans are easier than others. The easiest of which is… to have someone else handle it. In some cases this is the best idea. For example, brain surgery… you wouldn’t ask your best friend to take care of that one for you (unless of course he was a brain surgeon), but you get my point.

About 15% of the neighborhood called in the experts to help them resolve their grass problems. I’ve seen many “TruGreen” trucks and technicians hard at work in the past months. I know their services are not cheap but they provide definite results so in my mind, their services are totally worth it, if you have the cash and willingness to put out the cash. The people who chose that route, well, all is lookin’ good for them!

As for me, we are kind of a do-it-yourself household. We have learned that almost everything that needs to be done around the house can be done most economically by putting in the time to learn about it and then committing to the hard work of doing it yourself. We have replaced broken concrete roof tiles, fixed leaks, replaced rotten siding, fixed sprinkler heads, rewired our phone system, we have run our own Ethernet wires and most certainly do all of our own yard work. It’s not that we don’t have money… it’s that we would rather spend our money on other things… like gifting and vacations (plus we are blessed to have the physical ability and the time to do it). Because of this philosophy (which I have to say my husband and daddy have instilled in me because it’s not a natural one to me) I decided to start researching how I could fix our grass problem myself… internet… here I come!

First, I read about possible causes of the grass problem to determine the REAL issue. For us, I believe it to be the excessively cold winter we had. St. Augustine grass is a warm weather grass and doesn’t do well with frost or snow or a hard freeze. We had a lot of all of that this passed winter. Next, I read all about sod and how to sod a yard properly. It turns out it’s a pretty intense process. Testing soil, getting acidity correct, preparing the soil to sod, then finding the right place to buy fresh sod (this was really important). After all of that… the maintenance and care for the sod was almost hourly… it was a labor of love if you wanted it to be successful.

I was tired just reading all of that… and wondered if we should just hire TruGreen to do it for us. It sounded hard. I put it on the table for a week to think it over. I decided to read about seeding… found out quickly it was too late in the season to seed St. Augustine… so that was out.

Meanwhile, the majority of the neighborhood decided to just have their run of the mill landscaping company try to resolve the problem, (and remember – they have already blamed their landscaping company for the problem in the first place). One day I sat watching a few guys sod a neighbor’s yard to see what they did. They didn’t prep the soil at all… they rolled up in their truck… threw some pretty dry looking sod down patted it for a moment then left… without even watering it. I thought… hmmmm… if that lives (but I had my doubts), I might try that. Looked easy to me. Apparently, the landscaping company hadn’t given any special instructions to the owner of the house either because they didn’t water it any extra… just the normal water schedule… once every few days like the rest of the lawn. It’s no surprise, it all died and now their yard looks even worse. I don’t know how much they spent for that service but in that case… easy equaled dead sod in the front yard. I knew what I had read about soding was true. It was gonna be hard work if I chose to do it.

A few days later, I was looking at our yard and just thought… that’s it… enough is enough! The first thing I knew I had to do regardless of how I went forward… phase one was get all the weeds, dead grass and junk out of the way. I pick an area about 12 feet by 6 feet and started yanking and scooping until it was clear. I stood back, dripping with sweat from the 95 degree Texas heat at 7:00 pm and said “Wow… that looks even worse! A big patch of dirt!”

The next day I went to Lowes to get some mulch for my flowerbeds and I asked a guy there what he would do. He gave me some excellent advice so I decided to give it a try. I bought some top soil and manure/soil mix and went home ready to act.

Phase two began…I got my hoe and pitchfork out and started tilling and digging. Texas dirt is hard… so it wasn’t easy work. It was also 98 degrees outside and mid afternoon. I sprayed the dirt with water getting it nice and muddy, mixed it some more then poured in the top soil. Mixed, added water till it was mud. Poured in the manure mix… got on my hands and knees and worked it in with the mud. It was stinky, let me tell you! It took hours… mixing and adding water… I got filthier and stinker with every moment that passed. Speaking of “passed” I seriously almost passed out seven times while I was doing this… it was HOT.

So I was done with the soil prep after hours of hard, dirty work. It was time for phase three… and phase three had to come right away or phase two would have all been for nothing. It was time to plant the new grass, but I didn’t have any sod… and it was too late to seed… so what was I going to do??? Well, the guy at Lowes told me something really cool about St. Augustine grass… it has runners, and the runners have roots so if you go through the healthy grass you have and find some long runners… you can just plant those in an empty area. And that is exactly what I did. I spent the next two hours combing through our healthy grass to find runners. I dug them up carefully and then planted them in the very wet muddy, manure mixture.

An afternoon of dirty, sweaty, stinky work was finally complete and I took a step back and looked at it. I’m not sure it looked any better yet… but at least it looked like we were trying. I got my camera and took a few pictures so I could view the progress through the lens in the weeks to come.


Since that day, the work has continued… the maintenance is so very important. I have seriously watered that area with a hose almost every 2 hours. And I know that if I chose to get lazy and not go out there to do the maintenance work… all that hard work will be for nothing. Think about it… digging into the hard stuff, mixing in some healthy stuff, getting down on my knees, getting dirty and stinky in the muck, sweating, almost passing out from the heat, transplanting the growth of another source into the bare spot to replace what was once dead, empty and ugly. I know it will take time to look nice again but I also know that all of that hard nasty work would be for nothing if I don’t do the maintenance it requires and water it when needed.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Perhaps maybe a little bit like trying to heal from the pains of life… trying to break free from the compulsions you have let kill the life within you? To repair… to heal… to break free… think about it…it takes digging into the hard stuff (the truth about yourself), mixing in some healthy stuff (advice from those who have gone before you), getting down on your knees (begging and pleading for God’s help), getting dirty and stinky in the muck (your sin, responsibility, acceptance), sweating, almost passing out from the heat (and exhaustion and pain), transplanting the growth of another source (Jesus) into the bare spot (that hole in the middle of your chest that makes you feel empty) all to replace what was once dead, empty and ugly (how you feel about yourself)… all of that hard nasty work would be for nothing if you don’t do the maintenance (trust the Lord, meet with others, read the Bible, pray) and water it (letting the Spirit guide you) when needed (always).

Personal baggage… hurts, habits and hang-ups usually come with a lot of excuses and blame (and the longer you keep the excuses and blame, the longer they will cripple you). But remember what I said in the beginning about the dead grass… the blame part really doesn’t matter, does it? The problem doesn’t get fixed by figuring out whose fault it was? No, the problem gets fixed when you put a plan of action together and then work it. I also said that taking pride in something (or having the desire to fix something) doesn’t necessarily mean you are willing to do the hard part yourself. Sometimes it is just easier to let someone else do it. Unfortunately with personal baggage, there is no TruGreen service that will just drive in, sprinkle some magic chemical on you, give you the bill and all is better. Some people think therapy is “TruGreen”… but it’s not. Therapy sure can help but if you aren’t willing to do the work required…it won’t work either. In the end, the only solution for healing the soul is to let Jesus into that empty spot in your chest… and for it to take, you are going to have to work hard at it… and you are going to have to water it with the Spirit almost hourly. It’s hard work, but it’s also really the easiest way to go! Living a life of pain is not easy. I am reminded of Jesus’ own words: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 25: 28-30

Only time will tell if my new grass will live, but if it doesn't make it I know it won't be from a lack of me trying. In that sense, all the hard work will be worth it no matter what. How much more important is your spiritual and emotional health than a blade of grass?

Sandpaper

Sandpaper (sand•pa•per) noun - paper covered on one side with abrasive material (such as sand) glued fast and used for smoothing and polishing

Have you ever read a book that rubbed you like sandpaper? Maybe you thought, “This author is a pompous, opinionated, self-righteous jerk”? I am reading a parenting book with my husband right now and I think the author… well… he is a piece of work. His forward alone was like sandpaper being rubbed all over me. And not the smooth sandpaper… I’m talking the rough stuff, the course grit #30 stuff. It’s not necessarily what he is saying in the book, although it certainly is at times, it is his delivery. His confidence that he is right about everything is astounding. He speaks of the past generations as though he has intimate knowledge of a vast majority of people who lived in that time (even though he had not been born yet). Specifically, he ‘knows’ all about their parenting skills. Including intimate knowledge of how they felt about God, what they believed to be true about God, who they relied on for answers, and how their children behaved. He speaks in wide, broad brush strokes and applies it to everyone. It is truly a difficult read for me for there is one thing I know for certain… nothing thought up by a human is certain. (On second thought, perhaps I’m not so certain of that.)

Here’s the interesting part, I actually agree with the majority of what the author is attempting to say. And I think, personally, that what he is saying could have a wonderful impact on the way today’s Christian masses parent their children but unfortunately, his message gets lost in his pompous, opinionated, self-righteous jerkiness. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that a majority of people who buy this book put it down and send it to ‘Half Priced Books’ before they even get to Chapter 2. It’s unfortunate.

(I pause to wonder if this same thing happens in my own writing… do I come across as a pompous, opinionated, self-righteous jerk in my writing? Do my sometimes good messages get lost in my delivery? I know it does for some people. Hmmm… food for thought.)

On the flip side, I am also reading another book by an author I absolutely love! It’s about Christianity and how we have messed things up through the years. As I said I really like this author but… right off the bat in chapter one he made a statement I completely disagree with. It turns out his entire book is based on a statement I vehemently do not agree with, so, this one is also a difficult read for me.

An author I seriously dislike with a message I agree with. I have to work hard to focus on what he is trying to teach me because of my dislike of his approach and style.

And, an author I love, with a message I fundamentally disagree with. I have to work hard not to get sucked into his belief, just because I like him.

Who knew reading could be so much danged work.

Are you ready for the most interesting and coincidental part of this scenario? In both cases, the author I dislike with the ‘thing’ I agree with and the author I love with the ‘thing’ I totally reject… well, they are both talking about the same ‘thing.’ Crazy… that the planets would align themselves in a way in which I would be reading two completely different books on two completely different subjects written in two completely different decades and have this fundamental belief be the center of both… at the same exact time. God-incident? Of course. Nothing is ever an accident when it comes to stuff like this.

What is this ‘thing’ I speak of? Here it is in a nutshell: Human nature. Good vs. Bad. Moral vs. Evil. Sinner vs. Saint.

The author of one book believes people are generally good by nature and that we all live by some invisible moral code that keeps us intrinsically knowing right from wrong. This unseen system of good is what gives us a sense of fairness and is also what guides us to make good decisions. This author seems to think we all have a ‘do unto others’ attitude deep within our soul.

The other author believes that nothing good lives within us. We are bad from the start and because of that we must learn to make good decisions the hard way, by taking full responsibility for our own actions, sin nature and our shortcomings. It’s a tough road, not made or meant to be easy.

If you know me well… especially if you are a Celebrate Recovery leader with me, you know which of these statements I think is a bunch of hooey and which one I stand firmly on and say “right on brotha!”

So which is it? More important than what I believe… what do YOU believe? The Bible only backs up one of these statements… while society totally backs the other. I believe society has completely blinded us to the truth (yet again) and in the heart of this basic belief rests the undoing of how God desires us to live in this period of time. It’s happened many times in the past… a period of great belief in God is followed by a period of abandonment of Him. One thing is for sure, God stands tall through it all. He is the victor regardless of who believes and who doesn’t.

If you are reading this and think you know the answer to which statement is “the one”… email me… I’ll tell you if you got it right (please excuse the opinionated, self-righteous jerk in me who thinks I know the answer).

As for me, I’m going to keep reading both of these books. They have a lot to teach me, the smallest of which is how to absorb truth from a source I don’t like and how to reject falsehood from a source I adore. In addition, I have a feeling some sandpaper on my parenting skills isn’t such a bad thing… after all, I could use some smoothing and polishing in that area of my life. Have a blessed day everyone!