You Are Good

One of the best ways for me to connect to God these days is to put my headphones on and listen to a few praise songs. I focus on the words and music and just give myself to Him. I close my eyes and in those moments I am able to disconnect from the world and only be aware of His mercy and glory. It is lovely.

I have recently gone through a season of my spiritual life where I have felt as though God was farther away from me than normal. I know in my head that God never goes away… but my heart and my spirit just seemed to be unaware of His presence. I had some sadness and trouble, stress and anxiety and even though He felt far away - I put my headphones on and tried my best to connect. Ever since reading “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis, I whole-heartedly believe that God is most pleased with us when we try and try to connect with Him even when we aren’t getting immediate gratification of the connection. It’s easy to praise Him when we feel Him right next to us, just like it’s easy to be nice to people we like (and we know what the bible says about that). But as I stated, I know He never goes away… I just don’t feel Him sometimes. The reasons for this are… mysterious and frustrating… and I recognize, my own fault.

One of my favorite praise songs to get lost in is called “You Are Good.” It is by Gateway Worship and sung by Kari Jobe.

Your kindness leads me to repentance.
Your goodness draws me to Your side.
Your mercy calls me to be like You.
Your favor is my delight.
You are good… Your mercy lasts forever.

When I hear the beautiful music coupled with her gorgeous voice… I can’t help but to get lost in the meaning of those simple words of praise.

God, because I know how kind and loving You are, because I know You will not beat me to the ground - I am able to come and kneel at Your feet, pour my imperfections out, and cry bottomlessly for Your forgiveness. Lord, it is Your incomprehensible gracious nature that attracts me to be closer and closer to You. How could I not want to be near something so pure and truly good? Father, it is experiencing Your mercy and forgiveness personally, feeling the way You love me unconditionally that makes me want to give that same gift away to others. Especially to those who don’t know what You are really like. I know I can never fully succeed but, oh, how I want to try. King, the only time I am truly joyous is when I feel Your favor upon me. Nothing can match that happiness. I imagine that is what heaven will feel like all the time. I can not wait. You are the ONLY thing that is good in this world… and I can always count on You… forever.

In November and December of 2009 I was experiencing a large amount of loss and grief due to the death of two loved ones and also the loss of two friendships. I think the devil sees times of loss as his own personal playground. He whispers bittersweet lies in my ear and he knows I will slide so easily down in my weakened, saddened human state. He pushes me higher and higher on the “should-have, could-have but-it’s-too-late” swing and as much as I want to get off, there is something comfortable about self-blame and self-hatred. He sits on the other end of the teeter-totter and helps me go back and forth for hours: guilt… shame… guilt… shame…guilt… shame. He loves to watch me fall ungracefully and skin my knee on the ground as I search and he loves to convince me that God is in fact playing a game of hide and seek with me. He tells me, the seeker, I just don’t have the strength to look any further for the prize, so I slump… and that’s how the slump begins.

My recent slump had me feeling far away from God. I continued praying, I read the bible, I went to church with an open heart, and I sang God’s praises in my car. I curled up in bed in the middle of the day several times, put on my headphones, covering myself with the blankets and just cried as I listened to the lyrics of songs, “darkness flees when I call Your name” and “Your blood will find a way.” In those moments I believed those things in my head but my heart… was hurting. All I could do is cry.

Towards the end of December, I realized that one of the feelings I had really been missing was the feel of God’s favor. As the song I shared with you earlier states… “Your favor is my delight.” I hadn’t felt that delight in awhile yet I remembered what it felt like. The memory of the joy left me longing for it even more deeply. I wondered what I had done to disappoint my Father. I wondered why His favor had not been upon me. I prayed for the answer.

A relatively new person in my life, a person I don’t know all that well contacted me one day. All he said was that he was sorry to hear of the death in my family. I responded, appreciative of his kindness. I mentioned that life had been hard lately. I said I was dealing with much loss and pain. He knew of some of the things (his girlfriend is dear to me so I’m sure she shared my pain with him for the sake of prayer) but he knew no specifics. He responded in a way that answered my prayer and changed everything in my mind.

In a serious yet lighthearted tone, he reminded me that God will never give me more than I can handle. Yes, a great reminder. Then he went on to say the fact that I had several things piled up on top of me, things that were hard and hurtful, things that challenged me in so many ways showed the level of strength and faith God must know I possess. God knows I have what it takes to rest on Him and make it through.

Like a ton of bricks I realized my perception of God’s withdrawal of favor was an illusion. His favor had been upon me the whole time…. His favor was in the hard stuff, His favor was His belief in me.

I don’t know what your relationship with God is like… but I want to make sure you understand that God doesn’t work the way us humans do. God doesn’t remove His favor as punishment… and the fact that I was sitting there wondering what I had done only proves one thing… I was still on the devil’s pitiful playground. The devil is a liar. But God is a gentleman, He waits for us and helps us figure it out when we ask Him to. God’s favor has nothing to do with me and my worthiness or deservedness, for if it did I would have never felt it. God’s favor is based solely on His goodness. Oh Lord, You are good… You are good… Your mercy lasts forever!

Rolling Around with Regret

We have always made a big deal out of giving things we don’t use anymore away. I don’t believe in holding onto things for a rainy day, especially when we don’t have room at our house to store things we don’t “need.” I always ask myself this question: what are the chances someone else needs this item more than I do? Almost 100% of the time, the chances are pretty good the item needs to have a new home. If I really needed it… I wouldn’t be asking myself the question. A step beyond that is assessing the things I can give away that aren’t extras in my life. Those things are usually things I like and want but they are also things I know I don’t need. It can actually hurt to give up some of those things… but that’s what sacrifice is all about.

About every three months, we have a “clean out” day where we all go through our stuff and see what can go. Little Brett is part of that process. He is getting to the age where he fights it a little more than he used to but I think it is a good learning experience for him regardless. He will pick out the toys he doesn’t really play with anymore and we will talk about how another kid who doesn’t have much would really enjoy it. I let him bag his stuff up then we go to the mission and he gives them the bag. Most times, he is happy about it and feels good. He also sees that his mommy and daddy do the same thing… and we talk about it, so I think that makes a big difference too.

The other day Brett, who is four now, had a melt-down out of the blue. And it was the real thing… tears marking real sadness just flowed from him. At first I thought he was just “acting” but then I realized he was experiencing a brand new feeling he had never had before… it was the feeling of regret!

Right before this past Christmas, Brett had gathered some toys and books he was ready to give away. We ended up giving it to the man who helped us rake leaves one day (if you haven’t read that story – here’s the link:“The Stranger” scroll down a little.) One of the things Brett gave away that day was a Thomas the Train Whistle and Wheels Couch he had gotten for Christmas in 2008. To be honest, I was surprised he was willing to give it up because it was pretty cool. The truth of the matter was, it was too small for him. He is a very tall boy and it just wasn’t sturdy enough to hold him up. I think there was more frustration for him than joy when it came to trying to enjoy it. Anyway, he decided to give it away.

Fast forward to his melt-down the other day.., it had been 4 months since he gave his Thomas couch away and all of a sudden, he wanted it back. He asked me where it was and when I reminded him he had given it away, he simply couldn’t handle it. He asked when he was going to get it back… he said he didn’t mean to give it away “forever and ever.” This had NEVER happened before so I was a bit shocked. My heart began to ache for him as I saw how deeply saddened he was over this. I gently told him the truth of how it didn’t belong to him anymore and told him how nice he was to have given it to someone in need. Of course, that didn’t matter, he was flat out upset… inconsolable. I wanted to hug him but he wouldn’t let me. He cried and cried repeating, “I want my Thomas couch back” over and over. Man did that bring up memories for me!!!! I could so relate to this four year old mourning a decision he had made. Of course, four year olds don’t understand consequences… and I have to be honest, I’m not that much different than a four year old in ways. My alcoholic brain makes consequences difficult for me to comprehend (that’s why I have a sponsor who helps me figure that stuff out).

It was painful for me as a mother to watch this life lesson play out, not able to comfort my child’s painful regret. He cried, rolling around on the floor so sadly for almost 40 minutes… then finally, when he was ready and on his terms… asked me if I would hold him, which I did quickly. It took some time for him to “get over it” but he eventually did. He went on with his day seemingly happy until dinner time when we played our around the table game “Mad, Sad, Glad” where each of us tell one thing that made us feel each feeling that day. When it was his turn, he remembered the sadness of missing his Thomas Coach and the whole thing started over. It took about 20 minutes for him to ask for a hug that time and before long, he was back to normal again.

I guess that is how it is for me when I think about the things I regret doing or not doing. The gut-wrenching sadness is overwhelming and feels as though it will last forever but, of course, it passes eventually. Each time I am reminded of it after that, the pain lessens slightly. I don’t think God wants me to have regrets that last longer than that initial burst. I think God knows my heartache and has great compassion for me, just as I did as Brett’s mother watching him work through it. I think God is willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel better but I am just like Brett. I roll around on the floor not wanting to be comforted. I want my misery! Assuming there is someone still hanging around by the time I’ve had enough self-pity, I request a hug, but it’s on my terms.

To me, regrets are sort of like the unused stuff I let pile up around the house… if they aren’t fulfilling a need in my life, it’s time to let them go. One of my favorite 12 step sayings is this, “If you’ve got one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you’re in the perfect position to crap all over your today.” To me, regrets are part of yesterday and have no place in my tomorrow so I have to make the choice to let God comfort me today, in His way, on His terms. His terms are so simple but I complicate them terribly… I believe His terms are… give it once and let it go. The cool thing about God is that unlike a mother who watches helplessly as her child agonizes, He can remove the pain part of regret if I let Him. The memories will remain, as a gentle reminder of what once was, but the pain that was once attached… can just flitter away. If it doesn’t, then the only one I have to blame is myself for not letting Him take it.

In closing, I believe God wants me to find rest and peace in Him. He gave His Son, to me, as a person in need. It hurt Him deeply to make that sacrifice because Jesus wasn’t just an extra chair sitting around the kingdom that God didn’t need anymore. I think by accepting God’s comfort on His terms, I am actually glorifying the sacrifice He made. When I come to Him and allow Him to lift my regret, comfort my pain and soothe my roll-around-on-the-floor restless pangs… He knows it was worth it. In short, I know without doubt that God will never want His “Thomas the Train Whistle and Wheels Couch” back, so I’m going to do my best not to waste the gift He gave me.