Inspired By a Blurry Picture

The week after Christmas, I was sitting at my kitchen table with my son helping him write thank you notes to everyone for his Christmas presents this year and something happened to me that hadn't happened in awhile. I heard a voice in my head... it was uncomfortable yet tried to sound as though it were confident. It boldly said this to me...

“Wendy... you haven't had a drink in 4 years. You're not really an alcoholic. I mean, if you were an alcoholic, you wouldn't have been able to go 4 years without a drink. It’s okay for you to drink. You can just have one or two... you'd be fine. Go ahead. You deserve it.”

For a nanosecond a little flicker of hope rose in me... maybe I can drink just one or two! But another nanosecond later I laughed at the voice remembering the truth… there is no doubt that I am an alcoholic. A flash of my old life hit me. I drank a lot and had no control. I did horrible embarrassing things that any good and decent person would feel ashamed of. I drank and wasn't able to stop at one or two. I drank to feel better, I drank to hide pain, I drank to celebrate, I drank for no reason, I drank even when I didn't want to... I drank just to breathe. And in the end, my drinking led me to not want to breathe anymore. All of these past memories were blurry, black and white pictures, but their blurriness and blandness didn't hide their truth. I am an alcoholic. As for not drinking for the last 4 years, there is only one reason I have not had a drink and it's not because I am not an alcoholic. It is because God has blessed me with day by day sobriety. God is the only reason my blurry, monochrome past isn't a very vivid full-color HD real-life picture of my present.

I laughed at the lying voice in my head and put its fire out as if I were smashing the butt of the very last cigarette I ever smoked. Secrets give a great foothold to the devil so I immediately stood from my chair and let the battle that had just raged in my head come out of my mouth and become real... I went to my husband and told him the thoughts that had just passed through my head. I then went to the phone and called my sponsor to talk it through. I have many more one-day-at-a-time's tacked onto my sobriety since then. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve done a lot of reflection on myself in the last six months. It turns out I’ve made some mistakes even after getting sober. This was hard for me accept since I thought I was fairly close to perfect just because I quit drinking (ha ha). After working hard to get sober through self-honesty, I got a little lazy. I may not have been drinking, but several of my character defects moved into high gear. Apparently I was highly addicted to drama and didn’t realize it. I had the propensity not to shut my mouth when I should and my boundaries in friendship skills needed a lot of work. The perception I had that I was supposed to be more perfect in life after getting sober coupled with a giant ego made me unable to clearly see these additional defects of character as they were pouring out of me.

Fast forward a few years and the character defeats I listed above mixed with the character defect of some others made for an extremely toxic environment for me, and them. Finally God made me so uncomfortable in my own skin that I broke. Just like with my drinking, He forced me to come back to Him and take a good long look at myself. It was only then I was able to see those defects clearly. I winced and cringed as I faced them and asked the questions… “What do I do about it? How can I move closer to who God means for me to be?”

Another fast forward… with God’s help, I have examined my ways with all the honesty I could muster. With my therapist’s help I have added some tools to my tool box to assist me in changing the yucky stuff. With my sponsors help, I’ve stayed sober through it. With God’s perfect prompting, I have made my amends to the people I hurt along the way which was no easy task. There was (and still is) a lot of pain associated with these events and as we all know, it takes two to tango. Everyone has their own view and their own version of the story based on their perceptions. A little white lie can turn into a giant snowball in which the truth is so deeply hidden even the people involved can’t see it. But God tells me, all I can concern myself with is MY mistakes, MY wrongs and MY failings. Through all this, especially after making the amends, I can say I have found a certain amount of peace about that part of my life. I have also made some major changes by removing myself from involvement in activities out of obedience to God for the purpose of distancing myself from the destruction of the past. My spirit has changed yet again but for the good, even though there was a lot of suffering along the way.

It’s been hard to admit to myself that yes… I have enjoyed drama too much. Yes… my mouth has gotten out of control and yes… I haven’t really known how to build and maintain a healthy friendship. But, admitting these things has allowed me to be more aware of who I was, who I don’t want to be and most importantly, who I hope to be in the future. With God’s help, there has been a lot of progress… and more to come. I’m curious as to what my next set of defects will bring about. I’m hoping it won’t be as painful, but I guess sometimes that’s what it takes. I’m so glad I finally have peace over this part of my past. It is a welcomed relief.

So why then, did my spirit get all discombobulated about all of this same junk again at the mere mention of a person from that past who has made yet another accusation of me? I thought I had worked through all of this… wasn’t my spirit at peace? In an instant it didn’t matter that the accusation was untrue, it didn’t matter that I had already made my amends, it didn’t matter that I knew God had forgiven me for my part and my wrongs. No, these past memories were vivid full-color HD larger than life pictures of ME. Just a glimpse at them and I was right back there in the moment feeding on drama, saying too much and showing the world what a bad friend I was. In short… I was an awful person making terrible mistakes, ruining everything for myself (and if I want to dive even deeper into self pity, I could even say I was ruining everything for everyone else… wahhhh). Ugh, my life and spirit were sucked dry in an instant. The picture was clear…I believed I AM a horrible sinner… I believed I AM a horrible person. And that was my reality. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment surrounded me.

I did the only thing I knew to do, and that was pray. I spent 30 minutes in direct contact with God begging Him to lift this discomfort from me. I apologized to Him yet again for my sins just to clarify that I knew what they were and that I was indeed sorry. Towards the end of my prayer, I prayed for the individual whose mere mention had brought about these awful feelings. I prayed for that person, I asked God to give them everything I was asking for… everything I desired… give it to them. To my amazement, I meant it.

I went about my day not even realizing… I hadn’t thought about it again after that. My peace resumed that quickly, and I didn’t even notice. I should have said thank you but didn’t so I will say it now. Thank you God. You are a miracle worker!

I recalled the voice that entered my head as I wrote thanks you’s with my son, the one that told me I wasn’t an alcoholic… the one that tried to convince me I could drink. I wondered why that hadn’t brought me back to a place of shame, guilt and embarrassment like this other thing had. I mean by all means, it should have, but it didn’t. What was the difference?

The pictures of the past I saw when looking at alcoholic Wendy were blurry, black and white pictures of a person who ceased to exist. Their blurriness and blandness didn't hide the specifics of who this person used to be. Yes, I’m well aware of who I was then and I remember the things I did. What the blurriness did though was keep me from becoming absorbed in the past… it blocked the shame, guilt and embarrassment and allowed me to jump to the truth immediately. Yes, I am an alcoholic and I wasn’t a very nice person back then… but I’m not that same person anymore. God is with me and has forgiven me. I need not go back there… all I need to do is live in today and who I am now. Truth: I am a new creation now.

The pictures I saw when reminded of the other situation were different. They were vivid, full-color, pictures of ME… not former me… but me. And that was when I realized what the difference was…

TRUTH.

I was buying into a lie. The devil was selling me a colorful lie about myself and I was falling for it because I myself wasn’t standing firm on the truth of God’s forgiveness of my former sins. The devil wanted me to believe I was still back there in the midst of those defects, an unforgiven wretch. He wanted me to relive it and beat myself up… to be ashamed and embarrassed. He wanted me to keep asking God to forgive me over and over and over… even though I didn’t need to. AH HA… the difference was the TRUTH.

The more I embrace God’s truth, the more the color in those pictures will fade and the clarity will have no choice but to blur. Truth: I am forgiven. Truth: I am not who I used to be. Truth: God has changed me. Truth: I am a new creation. The truth is, that version of Wendy doesn’t exist anymore… she is hanging out with alcoholic Wendy somewhere in never-never land.

I’ve been sober for 4 years and yes I have worked through the majority of my drinking issues and have found peace. Since I will always be susceptible to relapse, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and sell me a lie. And just the same, even though I have worked through the majority of issues surrounding those defects which wrecked havoc on my life not so long ago and have found peace, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and drag me back into shame, guilt and embarrassment.

I think it’s kind of funny that the devil’s scheme to try and get me to drink totally backfired on him. The blurry picture from my drinking days inspired me to make sure all the pictures of things that have been handled appropriately by my Heavenly Father also got blurred. God is amazing.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Ephesians 6: 10-18

Sandpaper

Sandpaper (sand•pa•per) noun - paper covered on one side with abrasive material (such as sand) glued fast and used for smoothing and polishing

Have you ever read a book that rubbed you like sandpaper? Maybe you thought, “This author is a pompous, opinionated, self-righteous jerk”? I am reading a parenting book with my husband right now and I think the author… well… he is a piece of work. His forward alone was like sandpaper being rubbed all over me. And not the smooth sandpaper… I’m talking the rough stuff, the course grit #30 stuff. It’s not necessarily what he is saying in the book, although it certainly is at times, it is his delivery. His confidence that he is right about everything is astounding. He speaks of the past generations as though he has intimate knowledge of a vast majority of people who lived in that time (even though he had not been born yet). Specifically, he ‘knows’ all about their parenting skills. Including intimate knowledge of how they felt about God, what they believed to be true about God, who they relied on for answers, and how their children behaved. He speaks in wide, broad brush strokes and applies it to everyone. It is truly a difficult read for me for there is one thing I know for certain… nothing thought up by a human is certain. (On second thought, perhaps I’m not so certain of that.)

Here’s the interesting part, I actually agree with the majority of what the author is attempting to say. And I think, personally, that what he is saying could have a wonderful impact on the way today’s Christian masses parent their children but unfortunately, his message gets lost in his pompous, opinionated, self-righteous jerkiness. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that a majority of people who buy this book put it down and send it to ‘Half Priced Books’ before they even get to Chapter 2. It’s unfortunate.

(I pause to wonder if this same thing happens in my own writing… do I come across as a pompous, opinionated, self-righteous jerk in my writing? Do my sometimes good messages get lost in my delivery? I know it does for some people. Hmmm… food for thought.)

On the flip side, I am also reading another book by an author I absolutely love! It’s about Christianity and how we have messed things up through the years. As I said I really like this author but… right off the bat in chapter one he made a statement I completely disagree with. It turns out his entire book is based on a statement I vehemently do not agree with, so, this one is also a difficult read for me.

An author I seriously dislike with a message I agree with. I have to work hard to focus on what he is trying to teach me because of my dislike of his approach and style.

And, an author I love, with a message I fundamentally disagree with. I have to work hard not to get sucked into his belief, just because I like him.

Who knew reading could be so much danged work.

Are you ready for the most interesting and coincidental part of this scenario? In both cases, the author I dislike with the ‘thing’ I agree with and the author I love with the ‘thing’ I totally reject… well, they are both talking about the same ‘thing.’ Crazy… that the planets would align themselves in a way in which I would be reading two completely different books on two completely different subjects written in two completely different decades and have this fundamental belief be the center of both… at the same exact time. God-incident? Of course. Nothing is ever an accident when it comes to stuff like this.

What is this ‘thing’ I speak of? Here it is in a nutshell: Human nature. Good vs. Bad. Moral vs. Evil. Sinner vs. Saint.

The author of one book believes people are generally good by nature and that we all live by some invisible moral code that keeps us intrinsically knowing right from wrong. This unseen system of good is what gives us a sense of fairness and is also what guides us to make good decisions. This author seems to think we all have a ‘do unto others’ attitude deep within our soul.

The other author believes that nothing good lives within us. We are bad from the start and because of that we must learn to make good decisions the hard way, by taking full responsibility for our own actions, sin nature and our shortcomings. It’s a tough road, not made or meant to be easy.

If you know me well… especially if you are a Celebrate Recovery leader with me, you know which of these statements I think is a bunch of hooey and which one I stand firmly on and say “right on brotha!”

So which is it? More important than what I believe… what do YOU believe? The Bible only backs up one of these statements… while society totally backs the other. I believe society has completely blinded us to the truth (yet again) and in the heart of this basic belief rests the undoing of how God desires us to live in this period of time. It’s happened many times in the past… a period of great belief in God is followed by a period of abandonment of Him. One thing is for sure, God stands tall through it all. He is the victor regardless of who believes and who doesn’t.

If you are reading this and think you know the answer to which statement is “the one”… email me… I’ll tell you if you got it right (please excuse the opinionated, self-righteous jerk in me who thinks I know the answer).

As for me, I’m going to keep reading both of these books. They have a lot to teach me, the smallest of which is how to absorb truth from a source I don’t like and how to reject falsehood from a source I adore. In addition, I have a feeling some sandpaper on my parenting skills isn’t such a bad thing… after all, I could use some smoothing and polishing in that area of my life. Have a blessed day everyone!

The Window Seat

Someone recently asked me to think about some hard questions… why would a loving God allow tragedy to occur? If God is so powerful, why doesn’t He keep bad things from happening to good people? The purpose of combing over these questions was to prepare myself for the type of doubt that I will inevitably be faced with as I try to share Jesus with others. These questions are hard… even for people with tremendous faith in God. One of my spiritual mentors says, “If you knew what God knows… you wouldn’t doubt what is happening right now for even a nanosecond.” In theory, it’s easy to say I know all things happen for a reason and God’s plan is to bring them together for His glory in the end. Since we humans can’t see His plan, we can’t fathom His reasoning. And then there is the topic of free will, but that would be a whole other article. I’m not going to kid myself for a second though; I am fully aware that if a tragedy were my very own, for example - the loss of my husband or child… I could only hope that my faith would be strong enough to say, “It’s God’s plan for the best” and mean it. The truth is… I don’t know how I would feel. I can’t imagine it, and I don’t want to think about it. I said some prayers for God to help me figure out how to answer those types of questions.

A few days later, I had a vision that I shared with a group of ladies I trust. I knew I trusted them when I told them because let’s face it – most people would probably laugh at me as soon as I uttered the phrase, “I had a vision,” much less keep from busting as I told the story that followed, but they were awesome about it. True friends.

There was an airplane, packed full of at least 200 passengers. But it wasn’t a run-of-the-mill flight… something had gone terribly wrong and the plane was on a very quick downward descent. And I’m not talking about the kind of descent that would result in a gentle water landing… oh no… this was a hold-onto-your-seat-cushion-and-kiss-your-butt-goodbye kind of descent. The people on board were panicked, screaming and crying… they knew what was to come. In my vision, I saw a person rise from their seat and begin to speak to everyone on the plane. This person spoke with great eloquence… telling all within earshot of the gift of Jesus and how it didn’t matter what they had done in the past, or how long they had believed… that God’ kingdom was for everyone and all they had to do is believe. The person continued by asking the people if they would consider opening their hearts and souls to the Spirit. Ask Him to help them believe and accept God’s grace and love. The end of life as they knew it was not as important as the beginning of the life they could have in eternity with God.

I began to cry… even though it was only a vision. The words that this person spoke were so beautiful and true. And somehow an idea came to me… of God’s reasoning in this particular situation. Of the 200 passengers on board, only a few of them were true believers in Christ. Another handful were in various places on their spiritual walk… mostly just testing the water but not really committed to it. The rest… the majority of them were people who had no interest in God. They knew of Him, but were sure God didn’t have a place in their life at all. God, being all knowing as He is, already knew the ending of each of these people’s lives. He knew that it would take a major event to open their minds up to the possibility of Him. He knew that this was the situation they HAD to be in to save their souls. So He grasped the opportunity. He put the right words in the right person’s mouth and the result of which was… these people… the ones who God knew had no hope at eternal life with Him heard the words, opened their hearts, the Spirit came to them and… BAM! They were granted eternal life right before their death.

My tears increased as I sat in awe of this thought. I imagined the heartache and pain of those left behind in the wake of the disaster; husbands without wives, mothers without daughters, friends without their cherished confidants. It’s natural for those people to only see the tragedy in the death toll, and feel the gut wrenching emptiness that death presents to us on a silver platter. But what about the mercy and beauty in God’s perfect timing? What about the fact that our God is so loving that He doesn’t care how long we’ve believed… as long as we do?

So, the vision was over, or so I thought. I cleared my crying eyes and took a deep breath. Then I realized… the person who spoke on the plane of God’s open arms was… me. I rejoiced at the thought that God could use me in that way. Then some doubt wandered in, I asked myself if I would have the courage to stand up and say those things. I wondered if the right words would really come to me? After some thought I knew the truth and I told myself, “Yes! I would do that for God, I would stand up no matter how afraid I was and be that person!!!!” And then I realized… I had a flight in 3 days. On top of that, my child was flying with me. If this vision was for real… it would not only mean sacrificing myself… but my child.

Now, I don’t know how you feel about visions… I’m sort of on the fence myself. I’ve had some come true and some not. This one, all I can say is I was afraid of it. The thought occurred to me to cancel my trip, but I quickly realized that was the devil… messing with me. More than likely, this whole vision was the result of my prayer about how to answer the hard questions. And, it also was an opportunity to put my faith in action. I decided, I was getting on that plane no matter what. In fact, I was getting on every plane I ever needed to get on for the rest of my life. If God has this plan for me, I wasn’t going to run from it. I was reminded of the story of Jonah. God would put me right where He wanted me no matter what – it was up to me how much I kicked and screamed about it. In making the decision to trust God, I realized I had shut down the devil’s plan to make me a doubting coward. I laughed at him… he he he… sucker! Then I proceeded to tell my few trusted friends about it, just in case it happened… they would know.

I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous as I walked through the next two days. I had this strange yet calm feeling that I might not be around any longer. I rejoiced at the thought of being in heaven… then felt sad for my husband and how that would effect his life… and the thought of my son… ah, a dagger to my heart. But I looked to God and said… send me, I trust you.

The morning of my flight I got up and took my shower. Got dressed then went to brush my teeth. As I looked in the mirror, I said a prayer in my head. “God, if this should be my last day on this earth, let me be the best example for you I can be in everything I do…”

BAM!!!!

Shouldn’t that be my state of mind ALL THE TIME??? Shouldn’t that be my desire regardless of a vision or fear of impending death?? I mean, vision or not - this could be my last day... tomorrow could be my last day... who knows when it's gonna happen!!!! It was at that moment I felt like I understood what God was trying to teach me. Live everyday as if it’s your last… live every moment as though you can’t take it back… don’t let opportunities to do the right thing, share the truth or just be nice slip away!!! WOW!!!! Sure I’ve heard all that before, but this was something different… this was me going through the emotion of it all.

Okay, so I was still a little bit nervous about my flight… less nervous when I realized I was sitting in the window seat while the person in my vision was sitting in an aisle seat (phew). But there was an awful lot of turbulence on that flight, more than I had ever endured before. In the end, I sighed a giant sigh of relief once I made it to Virginia. And I was proud that I had allowed my faith to grow instead of chickening out… but mostly I felt enlightened by God and so encouraged by the way He not only answered my question but also showed me His heart. We truly never know His reasoning and we will never know what happened in those moments right before the tragedy. All we can do is believe that The Creator of the universe loves us and knows what He is doing. I have no doubt He wants every single one of us by His side in the end. A few days later, I realized I still had the fight home to contend with… but it was all good.

You Are Good

One of the best ways for me to connect to God these days is to put my headphones on and listen to a few praise songs. I focus on the words and music and just give myself to Him. I close my eyes and in those moments I am able to disconnect from the world and only be aware of His mercy and glory. It is lovely.

I have recently gone through a season of my spiritual life where I have felt as though God was farther away from me than normal. I know in my head that God never goes away… but my heart and my spirit just seemed to be unaware of His presence. I had some sadness and trouble, stress and anxiety and even though He felt far away - I put my headphones on and tried my best to connect. Ever since reading “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis, I whole-heartedly believe that God is most pleased with us when we try and try to connect with Him even when we aren’t getting immediate gratification of the connection. It’s easy to praise Him when we feel Him right next to us, just like it’s easy to be nice to people we like (and we know what the bible says about that). But as I stated, I know He never goes away… I just don’t feel Him sometimes. The reasons for this are… mysterious and frustrating… and I recognize, my own fault.

One of my favorite praise songs to get lost in is called “You Are Good.” It is by Gateway Worship and sung by Kari Jobe.

Your kindness leads me to repentance.
Your goodness draws me to Your side.
Your mercy calls me to be like You.
Your favor is my delight.
You are good… Your mercy lasts forever.

When I hear the beautiful music coupled with her gorgeous voice… I can’t help but to get lost in the meaning of those simple words of praise.

God, because I know how kind and loving You are, because I know You will not beat me to the ground - I am able to come and kneel at Your feet, pour my imperfections out, and cry bottomlessly for Your forgiveness. Lord, it is Your incomprehensible gracious nature that attracts me to be closer and closer to You. How could I not want to be near something so pure and truly good? Father, it is experiencing Your mercy and forgiveness personally, feeling the way You love me unconditionally that makes me want to give that same gift away to others. Especially to those who don’t know what You are really like. I know I can never fully succeed but, oh, how I want to try. King, the only time I am truly joyous is when I feel Your favor upon me. Nothing can match that happiness. I imagine that is what heaven will feel like all the time. I can not wait. You are the ONLY thing that is good in this world… and I can always count on You… forever.

In November and December of 2009 I was experiencing a large amount of loss and grief due to the death of two loved ones and also the loss of two friendships. I think the devil sees times of loss as his own personal playground. He whispers bittersweet lies in my ear and he knows I will slide so easily down in my weakened, saddened human state. He pushes me higher and higher on the “should-have, could-have but-it’s-too-late” swing and as much as I want to get off, there is something comfortable about self-blame and self-hatred. He sits on the other end of the teeter-totter and helps me go back and forth for hours: guilt… shame… guilt… shame…guilt… shame. He loves to watch me fall ungracefully and skin my knee on the ground as I search and he loves to convince me that God is in fact playing a game of hide and seek with me. He tells me, the seeker, I just don’t have the strength to look any further for the prize, so I slump… and that’s how the slump begins.

My recent slump had me feeling far away from God. I continued praying, I read the bible, I went to church with an open heart, and I sang God’s praises in my car. I curled up in bed in the middle of the day several times, put on my headphones, covering myself with the blankets and just cried as I listened to the lyrics of songs, “darkness flees when I call Your name” and “Your blood will find a way.” In those moments I believed those things in my head but my heart… was hurting. All I could do is cry.

Towards the end of December, I realized that one of the feelings I had really been missing was the feel of God’s favor. As the song I shared with you earlier states… “Your favor is my delight.” I hadn’t felt that delight in awhile yet I remembered what it felt like. The memory of the joy left me longing for it even more deeply. I wondered what I had done to disappoint my Father. I wondered why His favor had not been upon me. I prayed for the answer.

A relatively new person in my life, a person I don’t know all that well contacted me one day. All he said was that he was sorry to hear of the death in my family. I responded, appreciative of his kindness. I mentioned that life had been hard lately. I said I was dealing with much loss and pain. He knew of some of the things (his girlfriend is dear to me so I’m sure she shared my pain with him for the sake of prayer) but he knew no specifics. He responded in a way that answered my prayer and changed everything in my mind.

In a serious yet lighthearted tone, he reminded me that God will never give me more than I can handle. Yes, a great reminder. Then he went on to say the fact that I had several things piled up on top of me, things that were hard and hurtful, things that challenged me in so many ways showed the level of strength and faith God must know I possess. God knows I have what it takes to rest on Him and make it through.

Like a ton of bricks I realized my perception of God’s withdrawal of favor was an illusion. His favor had been upon me the whole time…. His favor was in the hard stuff, His favor was His belief in me.

I don’t know what your relationship with God is like… but I want to make sure you understand that God doesn’t work the way us humans do. God doesn’t remove His favor as punishment… and the fact that I was sitting there wondering what I had done only proves one thing… I was still on the devil’s pitiful playground. The devil is a liar. But God is a gentleman, He waits for us and helps us figure it out when we ask Him to. God’s favor has nothing to do with me and my worthiness or deservedness, for if it did I would have never felt it. God’s favor is based solely on His goodness. Oh Lord, You are good… You are good… Your mercy lasts forever!

My Experience on "The Journey"

I went to a special event on Good Friday called “The Journey.” It was a self-paced walk through the last days and hours of Jesus. There were 12 different stations… and it was AMAZINGLY touching. I helped put it together, but I wanted to experience it… just like everyone else did. When I embarked on “the Journey” I had no idea how long it would take… 10 minutes? A half hour??? Well, I didn’t keep track of the time but I will say this… I was in there a LONG time yet it felt like a flash. I want to take you on my journey…

Station One: Listening

I entered the room where a television sat spewing a loud, obnoxious static-filled screen. I sat down… and starred at it. My guide booklet told me the world is filled with noise, so I needed to try to drown it out. When I was ready… I turned the television off. I prayed that God would quiet my soul and allow me to absorb the experience. I asked Him to erase my prior knowledge of the set up… so that I could see it with fresh eyes.

(The rest of the stations were dimly lit and very quiet… moving music played in the background that rose and fell with cathartic whispers at just the right time.)

Station Two: Becoming

Jesus was really human. I could hear His heartbeat… I mentally pictured Him as a modern day baby who had His diaper changed by His loving mother. I pictured Him playing with trains or kicking a soccer ball around. It hit me… He was just like me in flesh. He needed to eat to thrive, He felt pain when He fell and scraped His knee on the playground, He dealt with friends who loved Him one minute then stabbed Him in the back the next. He knew all about sibling rivalry and what it was like to have to listen to His mommy and daddy. He knew exactly what I felt like in every stage of my life. I was humbled by what an incredible gift that alone was, that God gave us a Savior that really truly knew us.

Station Three: Worshiping

I dipped a cotton swap in fragrant oil. I don’t know what the smell was, but it was nice. I sat and absorbed the experience, just as the cotton was soaked in the oil. To my great surprise, I began to sob. Why? As I read about how Mary poured out her most prized possession on Jesus’ feet, I realized how selfish I am with what I give Jesus. Lately, I’ve been stingy. Lately, I’ve been blocked. Lately, I’ve felt far away. I apologized to Him… and asked that He enlighten me as to how I can correct this. I told Him I want to give Him my best and stop saving just my scraps for Him. I cried for a long while.

Station Four: Sharing

Communion was offered here. I took it but I have to be honest… I didn’t feel forgiven of my sins in that moment. I know that was self imposed though. When God forgives… he does it fully. When I attempt to do something… it’s never fully. The guide booklet told me about how Jesus chose to be with His disciples in His last evening. It reminded me that I am not alone on my journey, ever. I felt alone though, God seemed far away.

Station Five: Trusting

Jesus went to the garden to pray. He was deeply grieved and asked God if there was any way out of this horrible end… He stopped Himself and said, “No… not what I want… but what You want Father!” Jesus traded His dreams for the dream of His Father. What a sacrifice! His life… for mine. I have a hard time just putting down the M&M bag.

Station Six: Allowing

I felt a rope, a rope that may have been similar to one used to bind Jesus when he was arrested. I imagined Him holding out his hands willingly when it was time. There was no fight… He allowed them to take him. He allowed His future to unfold without pause. There were chairs there… but I went to my knees instead. How many times have I kicked and screamed and fought against what I knew was right? What’s ironic is those things that I went after, the things I fought against my Father to get, were the things that ended up binding me tighter than a rope like that could have ever held me. I’ve used the phrase “freedom through surrender” many times since I have found sobriety, but it was at this station that I realized, Jesus set me free through His surrender.

Station Seven: Humiliating

This grungy, painful station was rough. A slow, old-time, crooked, silent movie of the taunting faces of the guards played over and over. A real crown of thorns was showcased… it was brutal. I thought about my childhood and how I was taunted and teased by my peers. I allowed those memories to come fresh in my mind and I realized they were nothing in comparison to what Jesus endured. In fact, my history of “crap” was a cake walk. My daily aches and pains, my frustrations with the world and the people in it are silly. In fact, I deserve every little bit of it. I deserve worse. I felt my load lighten… I felt I was finally letting the last bit of it go. Jesus endured torture and beating for me, it’s like spitting at him myself when I allow little insignificant things hurt me so deeply… He did that for me so I wouldn’t have to.

Station Eight: Inviting

Here I was invited to be like Simon of Cyrene, and take on the burden of Jesus’ cross for the remainder of His journey to crucifixion. I looked in the giant cross of mirrors and saw my face looking back at me. I didn’t recognize myself… I really didn’t. Who am I? I asked myself if I could have carried the cross for Jesus that day – would I have? I think I would have tried my hardest. I love Jesus, and I am so thankful for what He did for me. I get a chance to carry that burden every day… and I do some of it, and I get too comfortable with what I do thinking that is enough. I think to myself that I do more than the average person so God is proud of me. I am too proud of myself. I can do so much more, so much better. I was reminded that “His yoke is easy and his burden is light” and I asked Him to let me carry more. I realized I am ready for a heavier cross, Lord… I’m stagnant with the one I have. I don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Station Nine: Forgiving

After sitting and contemplating for a long while, I wrote my biggest sin on a piece of paper and I physically nailed my sin to the cross.

Station Ten: Dying

I picked a candle and watched the flame flicker. It dances around illuminating its area with joy. It was alive to me. It was breathing… air, oxygen, carbon dioxide were exchanging glances. My job… no I don’t really want to do this… do I have to? But I don’t want to be responsible for this… I don’t want to face the truth. After some procrastination I went ahead and did it. Using the snuffer… I deprived the flame of what it needed to exist and it died right in front of me. As the smoke lifted from the once-lit wick, I imagined the life and spirit of Jesus floating away… just like that. As much as I don’t like it, I am responsible.

Station Eleven: Closing

I felt pretty strong when I got here. In fact, I sort of felt like I was too strong, like I hadn’t been moved enough by this whole experience. I wondered if there was something wrong with me??? Why hadn’t I been crying like a baby… why hadn’t I been more emotional? I knew there was only one station after this one and I wondered if I was going to miss out on a defining moment??? I was sure this station wasn’t going to do it for me so I felt slightly disappointed in myself. I turned to my guide booklet and began to read. There was a question toward the end… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” I paused. I read it again… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” Tears began to flow from my eyes uncontrollably… “yes… yes I have felt that way. I feel that way right now, God. My faith is at a dead end… why is it not going anywhere??? Why does God feel so far from me???” I cried and cried as I thought this over. It is safe to say… that defining moment I was wondering about… happened.

Station Twelve: Transitioning

The last station was simple, just a place to sit or kneel and contemplate the journey I had just taken. Matthew 16:24 was the first thing written in the guide:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I have to admit, I didn’t really read beyond that because as I read… four words jumped off the page at me. I knelt and repeated them over and over in my mind knowing God was telling me something.

…he must deny himself… he must deny himself… he must deny himself…

The guide booklet said that even though this was the last station, the journey wasn’t really over. Whenever I read something like that, I have to say I am cynical. I was cynical in that moment. I got up and headed out the door to resume my “helping” duties for the night.


So that was Friday night. Saturday was pretty normal. We went to a pancake breakfast and a wonderful Easter egg hunt that managed to make Easter about Jesus and not candy or bunnies or eggs. We had a fabulous time as a family! Later, we did yard work, ate dinner and watched 24 on DVR… normal stuff. All day I sort of had this strange feeling that I was missing something though, I was content but I felt like something was blowing right passed me.

As I got ready for bed I started to go through the journey I had been on Friday night in my head. I thought about the things that had moved me and reached out to me. I realized I still had that feeling of separation from God, and it hurt. I guess that’s one of those things that can be bittersweet. Knowing the joy of what it feels like to be right next to God in nearly all I do, only leaves me painfully longing to have it back when I’m away for too long. Out of nowhere, I recalled something else. A few months ago I did a “bucket list” and posted it as an article. In that, God revealed to me that the manuscript I’ve been writing for Him for over a year now seemed to clearly be the current mission God has for me. In a flash I realized I hadn’t thought about writing or studying on that in a long while. In fact, I somehow had just… abandoned it for a time. Had I REALLY forgotten about it that easily? I had to admit, yes, it had been the farthest thing from my mind. I remembered a distraction that came into my life that aided in my “forgetfulness” of the manuscript but I had gotten rid of that distraction completely… weeks ago. Since then… I have no idea what was keeping me from moving forward. I had a “Duh” moment… Hmmm… I was feeling far away from God… while the farthest thing from my mind was the work He seemed to have charged me to do for Him. Could this be a… coincidence??? I think not. Duh!!!!

I am humbly reminded that one of the initial steps to getting close to God is figuring out what it is He wants me to do. The next logical step after that is to actually do it. I think a lot of us walk through life having no clue what God’s purpose for our life is, but make no mistake… He had a specific purpose in mind when He created every single one of us. If you are wondering what yours could be… the first step is uncovering your God given spiritual gifts. I encourage you to take a class that will help you find out what yours are. If you need help finding resources… talk to your pastor or a leader in your church, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

As for me, it’s time to refocus. It’s time to anoint God with my best perfume instead of the tester tube I got free the last time I walked through JC Penneys. It’s time to deny myself of the things I think are important and pick up that cross… always remembering His burden is light and His yoke is easy. The cool thing for me is that I love to write this manuscript so it’s not like it is even a sacrifice to do what He is asking of me. I’ll bet that when I actually pick up that cross I will find that I will be closer to Him, closer than ever and that is exciting! This cynic recognizes my journey is continuing… and I can’t wait to get started again!

I want to thank Dustin Bauerle not only for incepting this idea at COH but for asking me to be part of it. I'd also like to thank the leadership at Commiunity of Hope FUMC in Mansfield, TX for encouraging events like these. Lives were changed!