Longing for Connection

There is nothing in this world which feels better than having a full-on, personal, spine tingling connection with Jesus.  Oh how I love that feeling!  I would give nearly ANYTHING to have just a few moments of that incredible feeling.  I have to say I have been blessed with many, many occasions where I have experienced that connection in my life.  I pray they continue to come and I pray my heart remains open enough to feel them when they do come.  I can tell you without any doubt that I love Jesus in a way I love no other.   I can also tell you without doubt that I am very high maintenance and require a lot of attention and connection to feel cared for and loved.

When I thought about what to give up for Lent this year, the first idea I had was to give up Facebook.  I did that several years ago and I admit, it was difficult.  This year I knew it would be all the more difficult. As I said, I am high maintenance and need connection to feel cared for... and I knew that giving up my Facebook time would truly be a sacrifice because that is how I achieve a lot of my connections these days.   I made some excuses as to why I shouldn't give it up for Lent and ultimately I disregarded the idea.  I am feeling some regret over that now... feeling as though it was really selfish of me not to bite the bullet and make that sacrifice, especially considering what Jesus sacrificed for me.

Since Lent began, I have been struggling with a few things that have a lot to do with connections and need for attention.  I realized today... I am in a vicious cycle and the only one who can get me out of it is... Jesus.

Here's how it's been going down...

Having had it before, I find myself longing for that full-on, personal spine-tingling connection with my incredible Savior.  But instead of being satisfied with the spiritual connection, I have been desiring a more physical connection and since He isn't here physically... I find myself lonely for Him.  That loneliness then drives me to desire the contact I feel I need from flesh and blood people instead of burying myself deeper into my spiritual connection with Him.  I think in my head, I believe I'm taking the easy way out.  I use tools like Facebook, instant messaging, texting, email, telephone and coffee/lunch dates with friends to try and fulfill that intense need for connection within myself.  The problem is, man/woman can never fill the void that my Savior was intended to fill... so even though it FEELS like the easy way out... all I am doing is prolonging my state of need.  The longer I remain in need of connection, the more I desire it... the more I desire it the more I look to man/woman to fill it... the more I look to man/woman to fill it the longer I go unfulfilled... the longer I am unfulfilled the lonelier I become for Him.  Like I said... vicious cycle.  The good thing about recognizing the cycle is that now I can do something about it.

I was feeling extremely lonely for Jesus the other day and reached out to a friend in my sadness.  She told me to pray for the Spirit to fill me.  But... I didn't want to pray for that!  I was feeling stubborn and decided that I wanted Jesus to be what I wanted Him to be.  I wanted Him to find a way to fulfill me physically somehow... not spiritually.  I wanted what I wanted.

I know Jesus is aware that I have a real need for physical connections, which is why He loves me so much that He gave me an amazing husband and some really great friends.   But I also know that He doesn't want me to use those gifts to replace Him.  I have decided I need to put more time and effort into my spiritual connection with Jesus, instead of always heading for the instant gratifications of man.  So, I'm going to try really hard to put Him first by taking a moment to pray to Him and listen to Him BEFORE I head for Facebook or my cell phone.

Those of you who know me well know there is a lot going on in that head of mine... stuff that medications have to fix.  You also know that I have been struggling with lots of medication changes and adjustments.  I want to thank those friends who have really been there for me through it... who have taken time out of your days and nights to connect with me and help me feel cared for and loved.  Some of you have brought me an insane amount of laughter which I love.  It has meant a lot to me and I thank God for you!!!  I want to say a special thank you to my amazing husband who never fails to be the presence of Jesus with his patience, the arms of Jesus with his hugs and the voice of Jesus with his words.  I am truly blessed, even when I find myself so incredibly lonely for my Savior... for if He didn't know me the way He does, I would not long for Him the way I do.

The Art of Sacrifice

So I have made a pretty big decision in my life recently… to give up sugar. Those of you who know me very well are probably shocked. This was something I swore I would never do. Sugar, candy, cookies, cake, peeps, candy, sweet rolls, sparkling cider, and of course more candy have been the main staples of my diet, especially since God helped me quit drinking in 2007. I could easily blame my sugar addiction on the advice I got from a follow recoverer who told me, “be sure to eat sugar when you crave it… if you don’t you might end up drinking again,” but ultimately it is my own fault for taking this advice and making it into what I wanted it to be: an excuse to eat as much sugar as I wanted to, forever.

I got very ill recently and it seems my poor choices in diet are much to blame for my failing health. On April 19th I made the decision to give up sugar completely. I have adopted a new extremely healthy diet and am trying to cut out all sugars, even most of the natural ones for now. I started a new website called “Beat the Bad Bacteria” that has a lot of nutritional info and some really great easy recipes on it. Feel free to check that out.

I have successfully been sugar-free for 17 days now and I’ve got to tell you, it is hard. It reminds me a lot of getting sober but this time I have something I didn’t have before. I am blessed to have a different level of spiritual maturity. When I got sober from alcohol, I had to be teachable and humble and ultimately God did all the work for me but if I had to tell you how He did it, I couldn’t. I don’t think I was spiritually mature enough to even understand even the slightest part of how He could back then. Today as I give up sugar, I can tell you this… the difference in my spiritual maturity allows me to consciously seek Him in my times of trouble. I truly have nowhere else to go when the going gets rough. Not having sugar makes me feel horrible sometimes and that makes me want to give up and indulge. This morning I am so fatigued and I know its all about the sugar. The only answer is to turn to God and ask Him to give me the strength to deny my craving. God help me not give up on the task I feel you desire for me.

I’ve never been much of a faster (meaning, fasting – giving up food) but someone recently told me that what I am essentially doing as I give up sugar is learning the art of fasting which is essentially the art of connecting to God for the purpose of sacrifice. It’s very difficult to be so disciplined, especially since I have no discipline in and of myself. It’s difficult to be patient about the long term results of this decision, especially since I have no patience. It is difficult to be tenacious in my efforts, especially since I have no endurance. Discipline, patience, endurance… all things God didn’t seem to gift me with naturally – yet I’m realizing they are things He really wants me to learn.

Giving up sugar might sound silly to some people but I feel deeply that it is necessary for me to sacrifice something I love and swore I would never ever give up in an effort to follow God’s will for my life. I love the words of Jesus in this beatitude, “Blessed are those whose greatest desire is to do what God requires.” Matthew 5:6  I feel in my heart, doing God's will is my greatest desire and because of that I do feel blessed… and proud in a humble way that God has chosen me to learn some really important things in my life the hard way, just so I can learn more about who He is, how He is ultimately in control, and how much He truly loves me.

On a funny note, there has been a lot of talk around our house about my sugar sacrifice as well as a huge change in diet for all of us. Brett was not very thrilled about the grilled eggplant I put in front of him last night. But what was really funny to me was this morning when my little 6 year old came to me and said, “You are giving up sugar mommy and that is good. I’ve decided to give up something too.” This proud mama looked down at her smiling son and asked what he had decided to give up. I couldn’t help but laugh when he answered, “Broccoli.”

What a Waste

I went to a church design conference in Arkansas last year. It was called DIRT… it was about how to make something out of nothing. This was a great tool for church design ministry since most churches don’t have a ton of money they want to spend on media and design. At the conference, they also taught us some great ways to recycle things… so nothing ever has to be wasted. It was a great conference, although it did have a few unexpected moments I have wrestled with that had nothing to do with the conference.

It was only a 5 hour trip so we drove. The conference ended in the evening so we drove home at night. I was sacked out in the back of the car listening to my MP3 and staring out the window. I had one of those moments I hope I'll remember for a long time.

Staring out the window, I watched as a big Mack truck passed us slowly. He was hauling a load of livestock, specifically… chickens. This truck was loaded… I mean wow… that was a lot of chickens. So many chickens were stuffed in each cage they couldn’t move. Their faces, wings, feet were pressed up against the sides of the cages. The wind from the highway travel was harshly blowing around them and feathers were flying out of the wire openings. As I watched, it seemed they were passing in slow motion. I knew where they were headed… to their doom no doubt… so I stuck my bottom lip out to pout. I was sad for them. Stuffed in cages; trapped with no control over their future. It made me sad, even though they were just chickens.

Something about that impacted me…I saw them and thought of the sacrifice they were part of, their life traded for my nourishment. I’m an animal lover but I’m not over the top, and I’m not a vegetarian… in fact, I enjoy meat. But, I don’t think I could be part of the ugliness behind getting the meat to the grocery store. I’d rather just not know so I can enjoy my fresh meal in peace and quiet with no guilt.

Seeing that truck with the chickens on it brought me great guilt though, but not for the reason you think. I usually purchase huge packages of raw chicken to split into small baggies and freeze. Earlier that month, I had taken one of those bags out of the freezer and put it in the fridge to defrost so I could make it for dinner on one of the coming days. I waited a few too many days to make it though, and when I opened the bag the smell that hit me in the face told me if I made this chicken for my family… none of us would feel very good for a few days. I ended up throwing it in the garbage – 5 large chicken breasts gone… just like that.

What a waste.

Back to the truck… it hit me like a Mack truck full of chickens how irresponsible I had been as a living being. I not only wasted precious food… I wasted those chicken’s sacrifice and life. Everything they had been through had been for nothing. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not over here projected human emotion onto a chicken, I realize they don’t have a sense of things like we do – but even still… whether they realize it or not… they are still a living creature, a creation of the Father and I have a responsibility to be accountable for their place in my world. I should not waste them, or anybody or anything else for that matter. I felt disrespectful. I felt irresponsible in that moment…

What a waste…

But it was the kind of emotion that was productive, I didn’t waste my wastefulness. It made me want to do better and be more conscious of my actions, or lack of action. I realized I have an opportunity to be disrespectful and irresponsible with every single thing I do and have in life. The opportunities to fail at protecting the most important things in life are there all the time. I could easily put my attention on a man who is not my husband because of my ego… I could easily turn my back on a friend I care about because of the crowd or a lie… I could easily let a good deed turn sour by being selfish and judgmental… and I could easily snap at my child and tell him he is acting like a baby just because I’m in a bad mood and not realize how that may effect him for the rest of his life. Disrespectful, irresponsible…

What a waste.

Let’s go deeper… to even more important things in life.

Jesus died to give me life. Jesus died so I could have a personal relationship with God. Jesus died so I could be forgiven. Jesus died so I could live in eternity with God.

I realize when I don’t live in a way in which I am moving towards God, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. When I don’t take advantage of the one-on-one personal relationship with God that I have been gifted, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. When I don’t forgive others who have hurt me or wronged me; when I continually beat myself up over something I have done by not allowing God to forgive my mistakes, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. When I live my life in a way that indicates this life here on earth and what others here think of me is more important than the eternal life I will have later with God, I’m tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage. Talk about feeling irresponsible and disrespectful.

What a waste.

My nature being what it is makes it impossible for me to walk through life without being disrespectful, irresponsible and wasteful. Even when I am trying my hardest, I simply can not help it. In recognizing this I have a few choices. I can choose to just do whatever I want knowing that I’m going to fail anyway so why not just have a good time and fulfill my needs as I go. I can choose to deny the whole thing; pretend all is well so I never have to face it. I can choose to beat myself up continually for my failures and live in a lowly place, ducking my head down in shame, living in fear of wrath, never fully accepting the freedom Jesus gave through His sacrifice. I can choose to accept the fact that no matter how hard I try, I will fall short – BUT also accept I am covered in God’s grace so I don’t need to beat myself up. I just need to keep trying. In my opinion, the only one of those choices that reestablishes respect, responsibility and honor is the last one. To the other choices… all I can say is… what a waste. I leave you with this question, is there an area of your life in which you are tossing Jesus’ raw flesh in the garbage? If so… what are you going to do to reestablish respect, responsibility, honor and stop being wasteful of the King’s flesh?

"Ashes, Ashes... We All Fall Down"

A pastor friend of mine decided to give up coffee for Lent. To the average coffee drinker, I’d say this, “Are you sure… I mean really sure you want to do that?” but to this particular friend I said, “Are you insane??? Holy crap… What are you thinking???” He loves his coffee… I mean LOVES coffee! I am not lying when I say… he even drinks coffee when he is preaching.

His response to my “Holy crap” statement was so perfect. He basically told me that even though for him it was a big deal to give up something like coffee for Lent… when comparing his sacrifice to that of Jesus’ sacrifice for us… giving up a thing like coffee was no big deal. His answer, as perfect as it was, as right as it was… was like a dagger to my heart. Oh, I am so selfish. I support my friend with all my heart in his commitment and sacrifice to give up something he loves to celebrate this season… this beautiful season of sacrifice. Because of him I decided to give up something myself for Lent. This is my first time EVER fasting from something for this season. It might sound silly, but I gave up Facebook. Trust me, that is a sacrifice for me. It’s like digital crack. In addition, I decided that every time I think about Facebook in any way – I’m going to stop what I am doing and talk to God. I think I’ve spoken to Him about 35 times already… and it’s only 1:22 on Ash Wednesday.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve lived my entire life… a Christian childhood, destructive youth and early adulthood as well as into my new life of salvation in Christ without knowing what Ash Wednesday really meant. Now, don’t get me wrong… I’m sure along the way in all the years of Christian parenting, church services, Sunday school, confirmation, youth outings and more recently lots of Bible reading, Christian study and Jesus based recovery work… someone… probably many people have told me what Ash Wednesday was all about but for whatever reason, I forgot, or didn’t listen (probably the latter) so I ended up here at 37 years old ignorant of the meaning and purpose of Ash Wednesday.

This morning, Ash Wednesday of 2010, I decided I was going to educate myself a little… so here is what I learned. Ash Wednesday is supposed to be a day of fasting and repentance in preparation for the season of Lent. In Lent we go through the stages of Christ’s sacrifice for us…. we pause at Good Friday for reflection then rejoice on Easter as we are reminded that the war has already been won. I knew some of that already… here’s what I didn’t know…

The ashes of Ash Wednesday are what make it so significant. It’s not that it’s cool to walk around with a black cross on your forehead or that there is any medicinal advantages to the ashes. The ashes actually MEAN something. Ashes were a sign of deep mourning in the old days. It wasn’t regular old mourning though… dusting yourself with ashes was a way of expressing sorrow for YOUR OWN sins and faults. Job 42:6 says, “Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes." Wearing sack cloth was similar. It was a way of admitting wrong and repenting. I can’t really think of a way we signify that in today’s world at all, other than… pointing at someone we don’t like and saying “It wasn’t me!” (that was a joke). Oh wait a minute… that’s exactly what Ash Wednesday is, DUH! Wearing ashes, choosing to fast (from at least one thing) in an effort to admit our wrongs and sins to our Lord. It has always been about that, I just didn’t realize it! And those ashes… they weren’t just scooped up out of your pastor’s fireplace. Did you know that the ashes used on Ash Wednesday are produced by burning the palms used on the prior Palm Sunday? I thought that was a particularly interesting fact and I wondered how many churches really still do that.

Ezekiel 9:3-6 says this… “Then the LORD called to the man clothed in linen who had the writing kit at his side and said to him, "Go throughout the city of Jerusalem and put a mark on the foreheads of those who grieve and lament over all the detestable things that are done in it." As I listened, he said to the others, "Follow him through the city and kill, without showing pity or compassion. Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children, but do not touch anyone who has the mark. Begin at my sanctuary." Based on this, there have been a bunch of Ash Wednesdays I should have been slaughtered for not taking the time to get “marked” or grieve appropriately for the horrible things I myself and society do everyday.

I’m sure there is a lot more to the meaning of Ash Wednesday… but those were the basics I found that satisfied my thirst for knowledge on the subject. I thought I was so clever when I had the idea to name this article “Ashes Ashes… We All Fall Down”. I actually did a little giggle to myself about it because it seemed so perfect. Ashes will sure remind me from this day forward of how flawed I am… how no matter what I do I will always fall down. Thank You Jesus for Your obedience to Your Father. Thank You for Your sacrifice for such undeserving people. And thank You for showing me that even if I were the only person on the planet… the only being to have ever lived… You still would have done it… You love me THAT much. You’re right, Joe… coffee ain’t nothing!

Beaten Isn't the Reas'n

Humility… something all of us humans are supposed to strive for. When I first entered recovery, I was told I needed to find some humility. At first I was totally offended. I was confused because I really thought I already had humility. After all, I knew I was one of the lowest life forms on the planet. I knew that everyone was better than me. I knew there was no way God could ever forgive my sins – they were too big, too bad and too unforgivable. I felt I already was as humble as I could get – in fact, I wondered if perhaps I was a little bit too humble. I had been told my whole life I was supposed to be humble, but I had also been told that to truly love someone else I needed to first love myself. I was so humble that I didn’t love myself at all.

Sobriety has taught me many things about humility and as it turned out… I had a horribly misconstrued conception of what humility was. Whenever I thought about the picture of humility, I saw Jesus. But the picture of Jesus that I would see wasn’t of Him teaching others, or healing people, or praying… it was the picture of Jesus being tortured and beaten – bloody from head to toe at the hand of his accusers as He prepared to be nailed to the cross. Yes, Jesus was the perfect picture of humility and He let people beat the crap out of Him, even though He didn’t deserve it at all.

So it only made sense; being beaten = humility. I think there might be a lot of us walking around this world thinking the very same thing. We think being humble means we are supposed to be, act or feel lower than the people around us. We think we are supposed to sacrifice our own natural desires and needs in a grand act of martyr-ism so we can come out on the other end feeling like the humble hero. But… what ends up happening, is we feel used and abused by others and we get angry for not being appreciated.

For me, I would wonder, “if humility is so great… why do I feel so insignificant and powerless when it’s all said and done?” I would then turn back to my thoughts of Jesus and how He didn’t complain about being beaten. I’d think, “Buck up camper… Jesus did it and His situation was so much worse! I just need to try harder to be humble and just accept that it sucks without complaining.” In my inability to accept the suck-i-ness, I would feel like a disappointment to God and become overwhelmed with a feeling of selfishness… and I’d beat myself up for my failure. My anger then extended outwards to others for not noticing my pain or appreciating my so-called sacrifices. That anger grew and grew… and the cycle continued.

One day, I was at an AA meeting complaining about the cycle I just explained. A gentleman came up to me privately after the meeting and told me I had it all wrong. He said I wasn’t being humble at all…he went on to tell me I was being extremely selfish. It has taken me a long time to understand what he meant… but I’m finally getting it… and he was right. I have never been humble… I have always been selfish.

Humility isn’t about making myself lowly. It isn’t about being a martyr. It’s not about being beaten by myself or others. Humility is not about powerlessness… in fact, humility is the most powerful trait anyone can possess. That’s right… to be humble is to be full of power. Humility is pure power… but… it is power under control.

Go back to that picture of Jesus I shared with you. He was sacrificing himself, giving His blood for our freedom. He was being beaten and taunted. He was in physical pain we can not even imagine but… His sacrifice, His spilled blood, His pulsing wounds, His emotional torment was NOT why He was humble. He was humble because He, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords contained within Himself the power to stop what was happening to Him. He could have broken free and whooped some major butt at any given time but instead… He kept His power contained and under control. He knew who He was, He knew what His purpose was, He knew what God wanted from Him and He knew why it was so important… He was confident, He was powerful and… His control of those things was what made Him humble.

Those who successfully find true humility know who they are. They are confident in who God has made them to be (and they know the growth must continue… it is not a destination). They know their mission, their purpose and they aren’t looking to be a martyr or to be appreciated. They do what they do out of obedience to God because they know He has an important reason for sending them down a certain path. They are full of God’s power… but they hold it deeply in their soul, with delicate and definite control. I’m sure for them, humility comes and goes, for it wouldn’t be in our nature at all to have it together all the time. That’s why I believe humility can only be accomplished with the help of God. Maybe one day I will actually get to feel what humility truly is… but for now, I’m just working towards it. And I am so very glad to finally understand that I don’t have to be lowly, powerless, beaten or unappreciated to be on the pathway to humility.

Rolling Around with Regret

We have always made a big deal out of giving things we don’t use anymore away. I don’t believe in holding onto things for a rainy day, especially when we don’t have room at our house to store things we don’t “need.” I always ask myself this question: what are the chances someone else needs this item more than I do? Almost 100% of the time, the chances are pretty good the item needs to have a new home. If I really needed it… I wouldn’t be asking myself the question. A step beyond that is assessing the things I can give away that aren’t extras in my life. Those things are usually things I like and want but they are also things I know I don’t need. It can actually hurt to give up some of those things… but that’s what sacrifice is all about.

About every three months, we have a “clean out” day where we all go through our stuff and see what can go. Little Brett is part of that process. He is getting to the age where he fights it a little more than he used to but I think it is a good learning experience for him regardless. He will pick out the toys he doesn’t really play with anymore and we will talk about how another kid who doesn’t have much would really enjoy it. I let him bag his stuff up then we go to the mission and he gives them the bag. Most times, he is happy about it and feels good. He also sees that his mommy and daddy do the same thing… and we talk about it, so I think that makes a big difference too.

The other day Brett, who is four now, had a melt-down out of the blue. And it was the real thing… tears marking real sadness just flowed from him. At first I thought he was just “acting” but then I realized he was experiencing a brand new feeling he had never had before… it was the feeling of regret!

Right before this past Christmas, Brett had gathered some toys and books he was ready to give away. We ended up giving it to the man who helped us rake leaves one day (if you haven’t read that story – here’s the link:“The Stranger” scroll down a little.) One of the things Brett gave away that day was a Thomas the Train Whistle and Wheels Couch he had gotten for Christmas in 2008. To be honest, I was surprised he was willing to give it up because it was pretty cool. The truth of the matter was, it was too small for him. He is a very tall boy and it just wasn’t sturdy enough to hold him up. I think there was more frustration for him than joy when it came to trying to enjoy it. Anyway, he decided to give it away.

Fast forward to his melt-down the other day.., it had been 4 months since he gave his Thomas couch away and all of a sudden, he wanted it back. He asked me where it was and when I reminded him he had given it away, he simply couldn’t handle it. He asked when he was going to get it back… he said he didn’t mean to give it away “forever and ever.” This had NEVER happened before so I was a bit shocked. My heart began to ache for him as I saw how deeply saddened he was over this. I gently told him the truth of how it didn’t belong to him anymore and told him how nice he was to have given it to someone in need. Of course, that didn’t matter, he was flat out upset… inconsolable. I wanted to hug him but he wouldn’t let me. He cried and cried repeating, “I want my Thomas couch back” over and over. Man did that bring up memories for me!!!! I could so relate to this four year old mourning a decision he had made. Of course, four year olds don’t understand consequences… and I have to be honest, I’m not that much different than a four year old in ways. My alcoholic brain makes consequences difficult for me to comprehend (that’s why I have a sponsor who helps me figure that stuff out).

It was painful for me as a mother to watch this life lesson play out, not able to comfort my child’s painful regret. He cried, rolling around on the floor so sadly for almost 40 minutes… then finally, when he was ready and on his terms… asked me if I would hold him, which I did quickly. It took some time for him to “get over it” but he eventually did. He went on with his day seemingly happy until dinner time when we played our around the table game “Mad, Sad, Glad” where each of us tell one thing that made us feel each feeling that day. When it was his turn, he remembered the sadness of missing his Thomas Coach and the whole thing started over. It took about 20 minutes for him to ask for a hug that time and before long, he was back to normal again.

I guess that is how it is for me when I think about the things I regret doing or not doing. The gut-wrenching sadness is overwhelming and feels as though it will last forever but, of course, it passes eventually. Each time I am reminded of it after that, the pain lessens slightly. I don’t think God wants me to have regrets that last longer than that initial burst. I think God knows my heartache and has great compassion for me, just as I did as Brett’s mother watching him work through it. I think God is willing to do whatever it takes to make me feel better but I am just like Brett. I roll around on the floor not wanting to be comforted. I want my misery! Assuming there is someone still hanging around by the time I’ve had enough self-pity, I request a hug, but it’s on my terms.

To me, regrets are sort of like the unused stuff I let pile up around the house… if they aren’t fulfilling a need in my life, it’s time to let them go. One of my favorite 12 step sayings is this, “If you’ve got one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, you’re in the perfect position to crap all over your today.” To me, regrets are part of yesterday and have no place in my tomorrow so I have to make the choice to let God comfort me today, in His way, on His terms. His terms are so simple but I complicate them terribly… I believe His terms are… give it once and let it go. The cool thing about God is that unlike a mother who watches helplessly as her child agonizes, He can remove the pain part of regret if I let Him. The memories will remain, as a gentle reminder of what once was, but the pain that was once attached… can just flitter away. If it doesn’t, then the only one I have to blame is myself for not letting Him take it.

In closing, I believe God wants me to find rest and peace in Him. He gave His Son, to me, as a person in need. It hurt Him deeply to make that sacrifice because Jesus wasn’t just an extra chair sitting around the kingdom that God didn’t need anymore. I think by accepting God’s comfort on His terms, I am actually glorifying the sacrifice He made. When I come to Him and allow Him to lift my regret, comfort my pain and soothe my roll-around-on-the-floor restless pangs… He knows it was worth it. In short, I know without doubt that God will never want His “Thomas the Train Whistle and Wheels Couch” back, so I’m going to do my best not to waste the gift He gave me.