One of the best ways for me to connect to God these days is to put my headphones on and listen to a few praise songs. I focus on the words and music and just give myself to Him. I close my eyes and in those moments I am able to disconnect from the world and only be aware of His mercy and glory. It is lovely.
I have recently gone through a season of my spiritual life where I have felt as though God was farther away from me than normal. I know in my head that God never goes away… but my heart and my spirit just seemed to be unaware of His presence. I had some sadness and trouble, stress and anxiety and even though He felt far away - I put my headphones on and tried my best to connect. Ever since reading “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis, I whole-heartedly believe that God is most pleased with us when we try and try to connect with Him even when we aren’t getting immediate gratification of the connection. It’s easy to praise Him when we feel Him right next to us, just like it’s easy to be nice to people we like (and we know what the bible says about that). But as I stated, I know He never goes away… I just don’t feel Him sometimes. The reasons for this are… mysterious and frustrating… and I recognize, my own fault.
One of my favorite praise songs to get lost in is called “You Are Good.” It is by Gateway Worship and sung by Kari Jobe.
Your kindness leads me to repentance.
Your goodness draws me to Your side.
Your mercy calls me to be like You.
Your favor is my delight.
You are good… Your mercy lasts forever.
When I hear the beautiful music coupled with her gorgeous voice… I can’t help but to get lost in the meaning of those simple words of praise.
God, because I know how kind and loving You are, because I know You will not beat me to the ground - I am able to come and kneel at Your feet, pour my imperfections out, and cry bottomlessly for Your forgiveness. Lord, it is Your incomprehensible gracious nature that attracts me to be closer and closer to You. How could I not want to be near something so pure and truly good? Father, it is experiencing Your mercy and forgiveness personally, feeling the way You love me unconditionally that makes me want to give that same gift away to others. Especially to those who don’t know what You are really like. I know I can never fully succeed but, oh, how I want to try. King, the only time I am truly joyous is when I feel Your favor upon me. Nothing can match that happiness. I imagine that is what heaven will feel like all the time. I can not wait. You are the ONLY thing that is good in this world… and I can always count on You… forever.
In November and December of 2009 I was experiencing a large amount of loss and grief due to the death of two loved ones and also the loss of two friendships. I think the devil sees times of loss as his own personal playground. He whispers bittersweet lies in my ear and he knows I will slide so easily down in my weakened, saddened human state. He pushes me higher and higher on the “should-have, could-have but-it’s-too-late” swing and as much as I want to get off, there is something comfortable about self-blame and self-hatred. He sits on the other end of the teeter-totter and helps me go back and forth for hours: guilt… shame… guilt… shame…guilt… shame. He loves to watch me fall ungracefully and skin my knee on the ground as I search and he loves to convince me that God is in fact playing a game of hide and seek with me. He tells me, the seeker, I just don’t have the strength to look any further for the prize, so I slump… and that’s how the slump begins.
My recent slump had me feeling far away from God. I continued praying, I read the bible, I went to church with an open heart, and I sang God’s praises in my car. I curled up in bed in the middle of the day several times, put on my headphones, covering myself with the blankets and just cried as I listened to the lyrics of songs, “darkness flees when I call Your name” and “Your blood will find a way.” In those moments I believed those things in my head but my heart… was hurting. All I could do is cry.
Towards the end of December, I realized that one of the feelings I had really been missing was the feel of God’s favor. As the song I shared with you earlier states… “Your favor is my delight.” I hadn’t felt that delight in awhile yet I remembered what it felt like. The memory of the joy left me longing for it even more deeply. I wondered what I had done to disappoint my Father. I wondered why His favor had not been upon me. I prayed for the answer.
A relatively new person in my life, a person I don’t know all that well contacted me one day. All he said was that he was sorry to hear of the death in my family. I responded, appreciative of his kindness. I mentioned that life had been hard lately. I said I was dealing with much loss and pain. He knew of some of the things (his girlfriend is dear to me so I’m sure she shared my pain with him for the sake of prayer) but he knew no specifics. He responded in a way that answered my prayer and changed everything in my mind.
In a serious yet lighthearted tone, he reminded me that God will never give me more than I can handle. Yes, a great reminder. Then he went on to say the fact that I had several things piled up on top of me, things that were hard and hurtful, things that challenged me in so many ways showed the level of strength and faith God must know I possess. God knows I have what it takes to rest on Him and make it through.
Like a ton of bricks I realized my perception of God’s withdrawal of favor was an illusion. His favor had been upon me the whole time…. His favor was in the hard stuff, His favor was His belief in me.
I don’t know what your relationship with God is like… but I want to make sure you understand that God doesn’t work the way us humans do. God doesn’t remove His favor as punishment… and the fact that I was sitting there wondering what I had done only proves one thing… I was still on the devil’s pitiful playground. The devil is a liar. But God is a gentleman, He waits for us and helps us figure it out when we ask Him to. God’s favor has nothing to do with me and my worthiness or deservedness, for if it did I would have never felt it. God’s favor is based solely on His goodness. Oh Lord, You are good… You are good… Your mercy lasts forever!
Showing posts with label c.s. lewis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label c.s. lewis. Show all posts
Saturday, January 02, 2010
Thursday, April 02, 2009
My Three Worst Enemies
Nearly every night I say a prayer that was adapted from the Lord’s Prayer (I ‘borrowed’ it from The Message version of the Bible). I’m a little dense, so even though I have been saying the Lord’s prayer since I was able to speak, the words didn’t really mean much to me. I didn’t know what they really meant. That’s why I like the adaptation from The Message. It’s clear to me.
Part of that prayer is this… “Lord, please protect me from my three worst enemies…”
satan
That little bugger is everywhere don’t you know??? Notice the small letter s I used in his name? Well, some people use an uppercase (just like with God) but not me… I don’t think he deserves an uppercase letter. If I could give him an even smaller case s… I would. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that really helped me recognize the ways the devil and his minions get at us everyday. I really need to re-read that one but I loaned it out and it hasn’t been returned to me yet. Even that could have been a plot of the bastard. He knows we aren’t likely to go buy another copy of the same book even if we need it. Our human nature tells us to sit back and wait for the return instead of “wasting” money that was already spent. Well, I’m going to go buy another one today, because I’m not going to wait. We all know I will never see that book again.
That crafty fellow, satan, can make us truly believe he is a spirit who wants what’s best for us. He can trick us into thinking we are doing God’s will. He tricks us into thinking, we are hearing God. As I look back at the things I’ve allowed myself to fall for with regard to satan, I see a pattern. I have fallen for his antics because they closely resemble what I want. When given a choice between what I want and something else… hmmm guess what I am most likely to pick. I recently fell for a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” that really threw me for a loop and ultimately reminded me that I must ALWAYS be on the lookout for the devil’s schemes. The minions will use whatever they can to get to me. They will even use the church or my desire to do good in God’s name.
I enjoy talking “at” the minions. I believe the quickest way to get them to flee is to make fun of them. They simply cannot handle it when we make them aware we are onto them so they run off with their stubby tails between their legs quickly. My son probably thinks I’m crazy at times when he hears me talk to them out-loud but that’s ok… I hope he will learn to do it too. I actually try to convert them too, which is really funny. I wonder if there is a special place in heaven for people who get demons to convert to Christianity (that was a joke). Just in case you are wondering what one of those soliloquies might sound like… here is a little example. You must imagine it oozing with sarcasm.
“Hey idiot, I know you’re there and I know exactly what you’re up to. Guess what… it ain’t gonna work so you may as well just give it up today. Jesus is stronger than you and I happen to know He already kicked your ass. You must be really proud of yourself. I mean, it must be really difficult to talk people into doing things they already want to do! Ha… what a hard job you have. Huh, maybe you’re kinda slow though and need an easy job. Well, if you ever decide you want a more challenging position, one with better pay… all you have to do is flip sides. There’s lots of hard work to be done so you may not be up for it, I know what a lazy, useless, underpaid, bore you are.”
Society
As much as I enjoy making fun of those little minions, I have to admit – they are getting through to a lot of us and helping us make some really bad decisions. And it’s mainstream stuff… just last night I was watching a television show called “Gary Unmarried” which is a fairly new primetime comedy starring Jay Mohr. I like it, one because I’m a Jay Mohr fan and two because it makes me laugh. Laughter is required in my life, and television is one of the main ways I find laughter. In the episode I was watching, the main character was coming home from a date. He quite wittily said to her, “Isn’t there some 3rd date law that we’ve missed out on - this is our 4th date you know and you haven’t seen my bedroom yet.” The laugh track come on and I laughed for a nanosecond and then it hit me like a ton of bricks… it is NOT funny that television is so openly telling society that everyone should have sex on their 3rd date. I didn’t really hear the rest of the show… because I was thinking about how used I would have been had I decided to have sex with every man I went out on 3 dates with. How disgusting!
Society tells us so many of the things that are against God’s will are just fine. In fact, society goes a step further and tells us that not only are those things okay but, if we choose to live a God-driven life, we are choosing a life trapped in Boringtown. Well, let me tell you… I do my best to live for God (fail everyday but at least I’m still on the journey) and my life is anything but boring!!!! Remember that guy I talked about in the section before this one, satan… he makes sure life ain’t boring. In many ways it would be much easier to live a life without God; I could do whatever I wanted to do with no regard for others and the devil wouldn’t be at me to screw up. That sounds like a life without challenges; that sounds boring to me. But society just flips it all around and makes us believe lies. I believe society is the devil’s kingdom… if you want to know what hell is like… baby, you’re already living in a version of it.
Society wants to ignore God so badly that many of us know people who have become activists to remove God from anything and everything; school, the pledge, currency, television (so it’s okay to tell people to have sex on the 3rd date but it’s not okay to show the closing prayer at the democratic convention on tv… hmmmm). With sarcasm in my soul on this subject, I have often wanted to tell those people who are on a mission to delete God from all things societial, if they want to really do it right, they have some additional work to do. For example, there are thousands of phrases in the English language that are rooted in the Bible… time to start filtering your words people… if you want Him out… then take Him out. The biggest thing I’d say to them is this… no more using God’s name in vain. That’s right… no more, “Oh my God”, “Oh God”, “Jesus Christ”… you get the point. If we are going to take His positive name out of society, then let’s take His name, as it is used negatively, out of society as well.
I was invited to a party a few months ago. Before the party, my friend called me to make a request of me. My desire to be supportive to her social gathering fled as I listened to the words pour out of her mouth. She actually asked me if I would filter my personality at the party. She asked me not to talk about my church, my church work, my Christianity, God or Jesus at all. Well, let me tell you this first – I am not a Bible thumper… if you know me, you know how I am… I will use my experience which sometimes leads to scripture (if fitting) in my conversation with others but I do not see myself as a person who throws God in everyone’s face. I firmly believe that kindness is a better testimony of God than Bible thumping… anyway, I was very offended by my friend’s request. I don’t think she really knew what she was asking me to do. I guess she thinks the “God” thing is an act that I can just flip on and off at will when the truth is, the “God” thing is who I am. She was asking me to change who I am to fit in with her view of the way society should be. When it comes to my relationship with God, I’m not changing that for anyone! Sure, there are times when silence is much better suited to a situation, but as I said before, a smile and kindness is our best act of discipleship for God. As angry as I was, as much as I wanted to blow that party off, I figured there was no better place for me to be on that day. What better place to smile and be kind for God than in a room where I had been asked to delete God. He will be there… and I won’t even have to speak His name.
Self
How many of us would have told our friend to go pound sand? How many of us would cancel our RSVP? I’m not patting myself on the back here, because the truth of the matter is this, I don’t want to go to the party. Satan doesn’t want me there either (he got my friend to call me for the purpose of trying to get me to bail out), and society surely doesn’t want me there… but guess what… God wants Wendy there. Trust me, Wendy wants to focus on self and say “screw you!!!! I ain’t coming! You hurt my feelings… who do you think you are telling me I need to change to be accepted by society…” blah blah blah… I say to myself SHUT UP, SUCK IT UP, and DO IT.
I am so naturally self involved that I can find a way to make everything about me. For example, right before my wedding a family member of mine got into a really bad car accident and wasn’t expected to survive. As a result, my wedding shower was canceled because people weren’t really in the mood to celebrate. At the time, I’d like to tell you that I understood but I’m not going to lie. I was extremely disappointed; mad really. Still even today I have some “unhealthy” feelings over my non-existent wedding shower (by the way, something very similar happened with my baby shower and I didn't get one of those either). I truly believed that I wasn’t important enough for people to decide to take a moment to celebrate with me. In the midst of the tragedy, I was completely selfish (FYI: my family member survived by the grace of God). Maybe that’s not the best example… but here are a few that might be a little more close to home:
If I ever sent what I perceived to be an important e-mail to someone, and I didn’t get an answer right away... I may have gotten myself all worked up thinking I’m not important. I’d get mad at my friend for not caring enough about me when the truth of the matter was that maybe my friend just wasn’t at her computer. If someone didn’t smile at me, I would assume it was because I had done something to upset them or maybe they just didn’t like me. I would think through everything I had ever done around that person just to try and figure out why they hated me. Defensive mode would hit and I’d say to myself, “well I never liked her anyway… so there,” sticking my tongue out like a big baby and vowing to never smile in her direction ever again. If someone didn’t say happy birthday to me, I would assume it was because they didn’t care enough about me to remember. In my mind I’d be so insignificant that I’m not even worthy of a simple birthday greeting in the elevator. I’d never even consider that maybe that person had other things on their mind. Perhaps their mother was ill or their dog died, or they might be worried about money… or how about this… maybe they hadn’t forgotten my birthday at all. Maybe they never even knew it was my birthday.
Here is the simple truth, we are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we don’t normally take the time to consider the battles of others. We take every little thing as a personal attack, even that guy that cut you off in traffic… he was just waiting there purposefully trying to tick you off.
Me, selfish? Ah… yah (read that again with a total valley girl tone there). Embarrassingly… terribly. If you don’t like this article, I am bound to think that maybe it’s because you don’t like me, even though it could be for a different reason altogether. Essentially, I believe every single one of us (that means you too) has an addiction that we cannot overcome no matter how hard we try… we are addicted to ourselves. With that in mind, I think the world would be a much better place if each and every one of us worked a 12 step program for this addiction. “Hello, my name is Wendy and I am a Wendy-aholic.” The root of nearly every problem I have in this life can be found by looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth…. no, not bad breath or cavities but me. To remind me of this, I have a mirror with two words written on it… “The Problem.”
Yes God, protect me from my three worst enemies… satan, society and myself. Give me discernment so that I may see each for what it truly is… for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever…. Amen.
Part of that prayer is this… “Lord, please protect me from my three worst enemies…”
satan
That little bugger is everywhere don’t you know??? Notice the small letter s I used in his name? Well, some people use an uppercase (just like with God) but not me… I don’t think he deserves an uppercase letter. If I could give him an even smaller case s… I would. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that really helped me recognize the ways the devil and his minions get at us everyday. I really need to re-read that one but I loaned it out and it hasn’t been returned to me yet. Even that could have been a plot of the bastard. He knows we aren’t likely to go buy another copy of the same book even if we need it. Our human nature tells us to sit back and wait for the return instead of “wasting” money that was already spent. Well, I’m going to go buy another one today, because I’m not going to wait. We all know I will never see that book again.
That crafty fellow, satan, can make us truly believe he is a spirit who wants what’s best for us. He can trick us into thinking we are doing God’s will. He tricks us into thinking, we are hearing God. As I look back at the things I’ve allowed myself to fall for with regard to satan, I see a pattern. I have fallen for his antics because they closely resemble what I want. When given a choice between what I want and something else… hmmm guess what I am most likely to pick. I recently fell for a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” that really threw me for a loop and ultimately reminded me that I must ALWAYS be on the lookout for the devil’s schemes. The minions will use whatever they can to get to me. They will even use the church or my desire to do good in God’s name.
I enjoy talking “at” the minions. I believe the quickest way to get them to flee is to make fun of them. They simply cannot handle it when we make them aware we are onto them so they run off with their stubby tails between their legs quickly. My son probably thinks I’m crazy at times when he hears me talk to them out-loud but that’s ok… I hope he will learn to do it too. I actually try to convert them too, which is really funny. I wonder if there is a special place in heaven for people who get demons to convert to Christianity (that was a joke). Just in case you are wondering what one of those soliloquies might sound like… here is a little example. You must imagine it oozing with sarcasm.
“Hey idiot, I know you’re there and I know exactly what you’re up to. Guess what… it ain’t gonna work so you may as well just give it up today. Jesus is stronger than you and I happen to know He already kicked your ass. You must be really proud of yourself. I mean, it must be really difficult to talk people into doing things they already want to do! Ha… what a hard job you have. Huh, maybe you’re kinda slow though and need an easy job. Well, if you ever decide you want a more challenging position, one with better pay… all you have to do is flip sides. There’s lots of hard work to be done so you may not be up for it, I know what a lazy, useless, underpaid, bore you are.”
Society
As much as I enjoy making fun of those little minions, I have to admit – they are getting through to a lot of us and helping us make some really bad decisions. And it’s mainstream stuff… just last night I was watching a television show called “Gary Unmarried” which is a fairly new primetime comedy starring Jay Mohr. I like it, one because I’m a Jay Mohr fan and two because it makes me laugh. Laughter is required in my life, and television is one of the main ways I find laughter. In the episode I was watching, the main character was coming home from a date. He quite wittily said to her, “Isn’t there some 3rd date law that we’ve missed out on - this is our 4th date you know and you haven’t seen my bedroom yet.” The laugh track come on and I laughed for a nanosecond and then it hit me like a ton of bricks… it is NOT funny that television is so openly telling society that everyone should have sex on their 3rd date. I didn’t really hear the rest of the show… because I was thinking about how used I would have been had I decided to have sex with every man I went out on 3 dates with. How disgusting!
Society tells us so many of the things that are against God’s will are just fine. In fact, society goes a step further and tells us that not only are those things okay but, if we choose to live a God-driven life, we are choosing a life trapped in Boringtown. Well, let me tell you… I do my best to live for God (fail everyday but at least I’m still on the journey) and my life is anything but boring!!!! Remember that guy I talked about in the section before this one, satan… he makes sure life ain’t boring. In many ways it would be much easier to live a life without God; I could do whatever I wanted to do with no regard for others and the devil wouldn’t be at me to screw up. That sounds like a life without challenges; that sounds boring to me. But society just flips it all around and makes us believe lies. I believe society is the devil’s kingdom… if you want to know what hell is like… baby, you’re already living in a version of it.
Society wants to ignore God so badly that many of us know people who have become activists to remove God from anything and everything; school, the pledge, currency, television (so it’s okay to tell people to have sex on the 3rd date but it’s not okay to show the closing prayer at the democratic convention on tv… hmmmm). With sarcasm in my soul on this subject, I have often wanted to tell those people who are on a mission to delete God from all things societial, if they want to really do it right, they have some additional work to do. For example, there are thousands of phrases in the English language that are rooted in the Bible… time to start filtering your words people… if you want Him out… then take Him out. The biggest thing I’d say to them is this… no more using God’s name in vain. That’s right… no more, “Oh my God”, “Oh God”, “Jesus Christ”… you get the point. If we are going to take His positive name out of society, then let’s take His name, as it is used negatively, out of society as well.
I was invited to a party a few months ago. Before the party, my friend called me to make a request of me. My desire to be supportive to her social gathering fled as I listened to the words pour out of her mouth. She actually asked me if I would filter my personality at the party. She asked me not to talk about my church, my church work, my Christianity, God or Jesus at all. Well, let me tell you this first – I am not a Bible thumper… if you know me, you know how I am… I will use my experience which sometimes leads to scripture (if fitting) in my conversation with others but I do not see myself as a person who throws God in everyone’s face. I firmly believe that kindness is a better testimony of God than Bible thumping… anyway, I was very offended by my friend’s request. I don’t think she really knew what she was asking me to do. I guess she thinks the “God” thing is an act that I can just flip on and off at will when the truth is, the “God” thing is who I am. She was asking me to change who I am to fit in with her view of the way society should be. When it comes to my relationship with God, I’m not changing that for anyone! Sure, there are times when silence is much better suited to a situation, but as I said before, a smile and kindness is our best act of discipleship for God. As angry as I was, as much as I wanted to blow that party off, I figured there was no better place for me to be on that day. What better place to smile and be kind for God than in a room where I had been asked to delete God. He will be there… and I won’t even have to speak His name.
Self
How many of us would have told our friend to go pound sand? How many of us would cancel our RSVP? I’m not patting myself on the back here, because the truth of the matter is this, I don’t want to go to the party. Satan doesn’t want me there either (he got my friend to call me for the purpose of trying to get me to bail out), and society surely doesn’t want me there… but guess what… God wants Wendy there. Trust me, Wendy wants to focus on self and say “screw you!!!! I ain’t coming! You hurt my feelings… who do you think you are telling me I need to change to be accepted by society…” blah blah blah… I say to myself SHUT UP, SUCK IT UP, and DO IT.
I am so naturally self involved that I can find a way to make everything about me. For example, right before my wedding a family member of mine got into a really bad car accident and wasn’t expected to survive. As a result, my wedding shower was canceled because people weren’t really in the mood to celebrate. At the time, I’d like to tell you that I understood but I’m not going to lie. I was extremely disappointed; mad really. Still even today I have some “unhealthy” feelings over my non-existent wedding shower (by the way, something very similar happened with my baby shower and I didn't get one of those either). I truly believed that I wasn’t important enough for people to decide to take a moment to celebrate with me. In the midst of the tragedy, I was completely selfish (FYI: my family member survived by the grace of God). Maybe that’s not the best example… but here are a few that might be a little more close to home:
If I ever sent what I perceived to be an important e-mail to someone, and I didn’t get an answer right away... I may have gotten myself all worked up thinking I’m not important. I’d get mad at my friend for not caring enough about me when the truth of the matter was that maybe my friend just wasn’t at her computer. If someone didn’t smile at me, I would assume it was because I had done something to upset them or maybe they just didn’t like me. I would think through everything I had ever done around that person just to try and figure out why they hated me. Defensive mode would hit and I’d say to myself, “well I never liked her anyway… so there,” sticking my tongue out like a big baby and vowing to never smile in her direction ever again. If someone didn’t say happy birthday to me, I would assume it was because they didn’t care enough about me to remember. In my mind I’d be so insignificant that I’m not even worthy of a simple birthday greeting in the elevator. I’d never even consider that maybe that person had other things on their mind. Perhaps their mother was ill or their dog died, or they might be worried about money… or how about this… maybe they hadn’t forgotten my birthday at all. Maybe they never even knew it was my birthday.
Here is the simple truth, we are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we don’t normally take the time to consider the battles of others. We take every little thing as a personal attack, even that guy that cut you off in traffic… he was just waiting there purposefully trying to tick you off.
Me, selfish? Ah… yah (read that again with a total valley girl tone there). Embarrassingly… terribly. If you don’t like this article, I am bound to think that maybe it’s because you don’t like me, even though it could be for a different reason altogether. Essentially, I believe every single one of us (that means you too) has an addiction that we cannot overcome no matter how hard we try… we are addicted to ourselves. With that in mind, I think the world would be a much better place if each and every one of us worked a 12 step program for this addiction. “Hello, my name is Wendy and I am a Wendy-aholic.” The root of nearly every problem I have in this life can be found by looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth…. no, not bad breath or cavities but me. To remind me of this, I have a mirror with two words written on it… “The Problem.”
Yes God, protect me from my three worst enemies… satan, society and myself. Give me discernment so that I may see each for what it truly is… for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever…. Amen.
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