Change

There have been a lot of big changes in my life lately. A lot. I'm living in an apartment, I have a full-time job, I have separated from my publisher, and I don't see my kids everyday like I used to. So, yeah, change has happened. Change has arrived. But change is happening in me in more than a physical sense. I've known I've been in need of internal (mental and spiritual) change for quite some time and while I had slowly been working at it, the physical changes that have occurred in the last month have thrown my internal changes into fast forward. I've gotta tell you, this is a good thing. An amazing thing. I've been longing for this and finally, it has arrived.

I don't think there is a person in the world who fully enjoys change, I mean REAL change. Change creates discomfort from what's normal to you, from what's become comfortable, from what seems to be easy. Right? Change has a way of evoking fear and in that fear, often times, we tend to lash out at others in an effort to resolve our personal discomfort. I see it in the church environment all the time.

In the last week alone I have made several amazing realizations about myself that are literally changing everything for me. Most of those realizations are not new to me, other people have told me the truth of them, yet I simply didn't "get it". They were head knowledge not partnered with heart knowledge.

For example, with my mental health struggles (depression/anxiety/PTSD), I have often times found myself in a "fit" over an incident that has upset me. Let's use disappointment, someone has made a promise to me and has gone back on it. In the moments following me meeting my hurt, I find myself feeling deeply insecure. I look at my life at large and become insecure about all of it. Am I going to get in trouble at work? Do they even like me or think I'm good at my job? Are the people in my life all just putting up with me and not really invested in me? I haven't heard from my best friend in 12 hours, is she mad at me? Oh, my kids should have a better mom, I'm such a failure in that area. In short, the disappointment I feel in one tiny area of my life becomes fear of everything in my life becoming a disappointment. And I react. I try to fix it. I try to make it stop before it's too late. In my attempt to fix things (that aren't broken, btw) I end up looking a little - nuts. I recognize this but I'm unable to stop the craziness. The nut has rolled far enough down the hill that its momentum is too much for a person of my strength to pause. This has been a pattern all my life. I feel insecure over everything, and in those moments it is REAL and TRUE and not a damned person can convince me otherwise. My therapists, my close friends have tried to tell me that I'm wrong. It's not real. It's just a feeling. I believe them in my head, but the heart just hasn't bought it.

I'm sitting here chuckling. Why? Because yesterday I finally received the heart knowledge to work on this problem in my life. I got frustrated with something - like, feeling like I needed to jump out of my skin frustrated and in an instant, everything in my life became colored with that frustration. I had plans last night to spend time with a new friend and I was really excited for it. It was supposed to be the highlight of my day, yet in my frustration over something else, my excitement left me. At once, I became insecure and got nervous about my plans. Did I still what to do it? Was I simply forcing someone into my life? Did this person even like me enough to want to spend time with me? I even thought about calling the whole thing off, just to keep my new friend from having to suffer through my company. I squinted tightly as I realized my thoughts. "Why the hell did I lose my excitement?" I asked myself. "Where did it go? What happened? What changed?"

BAM! It hit me ... only one thing had change. One thing and one thing only:

My mood.

I felt fine about everything until I got overly frustrated, that's when I became insecure about the rest of my life. I thought through it logically and finally, my heart joined the knowledge party and it all made sense. I felt like a dumb-ass to be honest. "Ohhhhh, so just because MY feelings changed, doesn't mean anyone else's changed." Duh.

If I had cancelled my plans, my new friend probably would have been super confused since they have no idea what's happening in my head. To them, there was no variable in our plans. All was well, the same as yesterday, the same as five minutes ago, so there was no need to change a thing.

Hmmm. Interesting. Now what? So, I'm feeling a grand shift, but no one else is privy to it. But my shift feels real to me. Don't I need to do something? Don't I need to fix it, make sure things are okay?

I'm chuckling again.

Nope. There's nothing to fix. Nothing has changed. All the insecurity is residing in my mood and not in the world. So, do you know what I did? I did nothing. I recognized the truth, I allowed myself to live in that frustration for a time, I distracted myself with helpful options and guess what. It passed. My excitement returned and I went on with life. Hmmm, growth. I have realized something new and embraced it. I have begun necessary change.

Lets' talk about a different kind of change for a moment though. Change as in coins. Little pieces of metal  that used to commonly be used to pay for things. I say 'used to' because not many people carry cash anymore, and loose change? Are you nuts? You can even use a credit card in most vending machines now. Change is not needed in everyday life. Coins are often discarded carelessly. I have a jar of coins, all coins I have found on the ground, and it's full. But let me ask you a question, just because people don't use them or regard them highly anymore, has their value changed?

No. A quarter is still worth twenty-five cents whether it's in a garbage can or someone's pocket. A dollar is still a dollar when it's made up of ten dimes.

I feel like society's resistance to growth and fear of change has created a lot of the problems we all have in life. In addition, it keeps us stuck in a place where we complain about the same things everyday yet do nothing to improve the issue. We enjoy comfort, even when it's having negative impacts. We like what we know and we fear the unknown. Maybe we're a little afraid of who we will become if we change. I think the biggest fear is, will embracing change make me lose my value? Well, if you have four quarters, do you still have a dollar?

Don't be afraid of the quarters and dimes, or even the pennies. Their value is what it is regardless of how the world perceives them. And our value is not rooted in this world. Who you are inside can only become more clear as you embrace change. I encourage you, if you have a thing in your life that you've known needs some work yet fear is keeping you from making change, take a baby step. Give it a go and choose to believe in your heart that your value won't be tainted.

Shoulders Back, Head Held High

I got a wonderful Mother's Day surprise this year... and it was a surprise to my husband and kids too!  While I was greeted with the typical breakfast in bed in the morning and given a card made at school as well as a purse, my real gift... the one that meant the most to me was time.  The time I was given has resulted in a MAJOR change in how I feel about myself.  Let me explain.

Ryan purchased me an ebook about a month ago.  He gave it to me so I could escape into a fictional world that was not of my own building.  He hoped I would read it on vacation in Florida, but that vacation really wasn't conducive to reading.  The Friday night of Mother's Day weekend Ryan asked me if I had started the book yet, and that reminded me I had it so I went ahead and started it before heading to bed.   Quickly, I was immersed in another world... one that wooed me in a very surprising way.

It was a love story... okay maybe not love at first... a lust story with two very powerful main characters with lots of issues.  A few pages into it I read something that totally shocked me and looked over at my husband saying, "What did you buy me???"  His eyes got big as he replied. "I don't know, I read a review and it sounded like you might like it. Why?"  I proceeded to read the part that shocked me aloud to him and he was shocked as well and quickly apologized for getting me this book.

I am a survivor of a sexual trauma and because of this I am very "delicate" when it comes to things that are sexual in nature.  Not long ago I would have closed the book in disgust and then spent the next few days fighting an internal battle of anxiety and repulsion because of the story's raw sexuality and the extremely crude way it explained things.  But for a reason, unknown to me at the time... I was able to keep reading without a problem.  I was shocked.

Quickly, the full plot of the story came into view.  It was about a man and a women, both survivors of sexual trauma (molestation and rape),  and how they had to work through their personal issues with their past in order to be able to truly love each other.  It was a very interesting, passionate, well written piece of fiction that I recognized as being done by an author who either had experienced sexual trauma herself or did a tremendous amount of research to be able to write it's aftermath so correctly and vividly.  I finished the book by Saturday afternoon, unable to put it down and I discovered that the story was actually a trilogy.  Ryan purchased the second ebook for me immediately and I dove in right away.

Book two was a hard read for me as it dealt with the specifics of the sexual traumas as well as the characters realizing how broken they were and how much work it would take to fix it.  I spent nearly all day Mother's Day reading.  The story nearly ripped my heart out as I read... feeling all of the emotions they felt because I had been there and in some ways... realized I was still there.  I don't think I cried, but I hurt and by the end of the book things were very unresolved and I felt sick to my stomach.  I was glad there was a third book because I needed to feel better... and I felt stuck in a bad place.  The book had me remembering some of my past habits that I have worked so hard to break free from... and it had a part of me desiring to go back there and be like that again.  I prayed for God to protect me, and He did but it was a very uncomfortable feeling.  It brought forward a lot of memories I'd just assume forget and showed me some things I hadn't even realized before.  Ryan purchased book three for me Sunday night and I started it right away, hoping for resolve.

Book three was just what I needed.  Resolutions were found and things began to come together for them as a couple,  they beat the crap out of some of their demons and were actually happy.  Personally, I realized the reasons for some of my behaviors and had a cathartic moment over something I had no clue about. It was amazing.  The book ended very abruptly with a lot of open ends and missing info about other story lines - but it closed up the hole I needed closed and I felt total relief when I finished it.  There is supposed to be a fourth book, but it has yet to be released.  Personally, I'm not sure I NEED to read it as I was able to get what I needed out of it already - but I might read it just for fun.

So, I essentially read three books in three and a half days.   I was a woman obsessed.  I've never done that before!   Earlier I said that I was surprised I was able to continue reading, but was able to for a reason unknown to me.  Well, when I was done with all three and had time to think about the journey the books took me through... I understood exactly why I was able to read them.  God knew I would glean exactly what I had been searching and needing for years.  Even through years of therapy, pieces of me were still very broken as a result of the sexual trauma I endured but something about this story... the way it was written, the details it provided and the things it made me realize was extremely healing to my body, heart, soul and spirit.  So many light bulbs lit as I read.  So many things of my past finally made sense to me... I literally felt like a thousand pound weight was lifted off of me.  I fell to my knees while alone and cried like a baby... feeling the freedom I have longed for so deeply wash over me.  I felt blessed by God and so very grateful.

I have always had horrible posture, it's something I hate about myself and I have worked on before but usually give up because it seems I can't make myself stick with holding my shoulders back and my head up high.  I don't think it is a coincidence that since reading this series and achieving that freedom that I am holding my head up higher and my shoulder back farther naturally.  I just feel different.  I am no longer ashamed, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer looking in the mirror with a frown wishing I was something different, instead I feel a new confidence that I believe is exactly what God wants me to feel.  I feel good deep down in my heart and soul.  I feel pretty for the first time ever.  I feel proud of who God has made me into.  Those things were stolen from me a long time ago... but thanks to some very raw, rude fiction given to me by my husband, some time to obsessively read given to me by my family, some hefty guarding of my heart by God and my ability to accept the truth inside me... I got them back... it took 23 years but I got them back!!!  Shoulders back, head held high... I feel good.  Praise the Lord!

I'm sorry I have not said what the series is, if you want to know you can message me.  While I am totally grateful for the series and what it did for me, I don't feel right about passing it on to the average person for entertainment purposes.  I didn't feel it portrayed love and sex in a way that would be pleasing to God at all. In fact it was quite the opposite.  I was able to look beyond that because I have a very firm grip on what I believe God intended love and sex to be like.  For someone who doesn't, this story could be very destructive.  If you feel you need an experience like mine or just feel like you can handle it... PM me or leave your email address as a comment.  Your comment will not be published without my approval so I can just get your email and cancel your comment.  I will gladly share the titles with you.

Keep your shoulders back, your head held high and have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!