Shoulders Back, Head Held High

I got a wonderful Mother's Day surprise this year... and it was a surprise to my husband and kids too!  While I was greeted with the typical breakfast in bed in the morning and given a card made at school as well as a purse, my real gift... the one that meant the most to me was time.  The time I was given has resulted in a MAJOR change in how I feel about myself.  Let me explain.

Ryan purchased me an ebook about a month ago.  He gave it to me so I could escape into a fictional world that was not of my own building.  He hoped I would read it on vacation in Florida, but that vacation really wasn't conducive to reading.  The Friday night of Mother's Day weekend Ryan asked me if I had started the book yet, and that reminded me I had it so I went ahead and started it before heading to bed.   Quickly, I was immersed in another world... one that wooed me in a very surprising way.

It was a love story... okay maybe not love at first... a lust story with two very powerful main characters with lots of issues.  A few pages into it I read something that totally shocked me and looked over at my husband saying, "What did you buy me???"  His eyes got big as he replied. "I don't know, I read a review and it sounded like you might like it. Why?"  I proceeded to read the part that shocked me aloud to him and he was shocked as well and quickly apologized for getting me this book.

I am a survivor of a sexual trauma and because of this I am very "delicate" when it comes to things that are sexual in nature.  Not long ago I would have closed the book in disgust and then spent the next few days fighting an internal battle of anxiety and repulsion because of the story's raw sexuality and the extremely crude way it explained things.  But for a reason, unknown to me at the time... I was able to keep reading without a problem.  I was shocked.

Quickly, the full plot of the story came into view.  It was about a man and a women, both survivors of sexual trauma (molestation and rape),  and how they had to work through their personal issues with their past in order to be able to truly love each other.  It was a very interesting, passionate, well written piece of fiction that I recognized as being done by an author who either had experienced sexual trauma herself or did a tremendous amount of research to be able to write it's aftermath so correctly and vividly.  I finished the book by Saturday afternoon, unable to put it down and I discovered that the story was actually a trilogy.  Ryan purchased the second ebook for me immediately and I dove in right away.

Book two was a hard read for me as it dealt with the specifics of the sexual traumas as well as the characters realizing how broken they were and how much work it would take to fix it.  I spent nearly all day Mother's Day reading.  The story nearly ripped my heart out as I read... feeling all of the emotions they felt because I had been there and in some ways... realized I was still there.  I don't think I cried, but I hurt and by the end of the book things were very unresolved and I felt sick to my stomach.  I was glad there was a third book because I needed to feel better... and I felt stuck in a bad place.  The book had me remembering some of my past habits that I have worked so hard to break free from... and it had a part of me desiring to go back there and be like that again.  I prayed for God to protect me, and He did but it was a very uncomfortable feeling.  It brought forward a lot of memories I'd just assume forget and showed me some things I hadn't even realized before.  Ryan purchased book three for me Sunday night and I started it right away, hoping for resolve.

Book three was just what I needed.  Resolutions were found and things began to come together for them as a couple,  they beat the crap out of some of their demons and were actually happy.  Personally, I realized the reasons for some of my behaviors and had a cathartic moment over something I had no clue about. It was amazing.  The book ended very abruptly with a lot of open ends and missing info about other story lines - but it closed up the hole I needed closed and I felt total relief when I finished it.  There is supposed to be a fourth book, but it has yet to be released.  Personally, I'm not sure I NEED to read it as I was able to get what I needed out of it already - but I might read it just for fun.

So, I essentially read three books in three and a half days.   I was a woman obsessed.  I've never done that before!   Earlier I said that I was surprised I was able to continue reading, but was able to for a reason unknown to me.  Well, when I was done with all three and had time to think about the journey the books took me through... I understood exactly why I was able to read them.  God knew I would glean exactly what I had been searching and needing for years.  Even through years of therapy, pieces of me were still very broken as a result of the sexual trauma I endured but something about this story... the way it was written, the details it provided and the things it made me realize was extremely healing to my body, heart, soul and spirit.  So many light bulbs lit as I read.  So many things of my past finally made sense to me... I literally felt like a thousand pound weight was lifted off of me.  I fell to my knees while alone and cried like a baby... feeling the freedom I have longed for so deeply wash over me.  I felt blessed by God and so very grateful.

I have always had horrible posture, it's something I hate about myself and I have worked on before but usually give up because it seems I can't make myself stick with holding my shoulders back and my head up high.  I don't think it is a coincidence that since reading this series and achieving that freedom that I am holding my head up higher and my shoulder back farther naturally.  I just feel different.  I am no longer ashamed, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer looking in the mirror with a frown wishing I was something different, instead I feel a new confidence that I believe is exactly what God wants me to feel.  I feel good deep down in my heart and soul.  I feel pretty for the first time ever.  I feel proud of who God has made me into.  Those things were stolen from me a long time ago... but thanks to some very raw, rude fiction given to me by my husband, some time to obsessively read given to me by my family, some hefty guarding of my heart by God and my ability to accept the truth inside me... I got them back... it took 23 years but I got them back!!!  Shoulders back, head held high... I feel good.  Praise the Lord!

I'm sorry I have not said what the series is, if you want to know you can message me.  While I am totally grateful for the series and what it did for me, I don't feel right about passing it on to the average person for entertainment purposes.  I didn't feel it portrayed love and sex in a way that would be pleasing to God at all. In fact it was quite the opposite.  I was able to look beyond that because I have a very firm grip on what I believe God intended love and sex to be like.  For someone who doesn't, this story could be very destructive.  If you feel you need an experience like mine or just feel like you can handle it... PM me or leave your email address as a comment.  Your comment will not be published without my approval so I can just get your email and cancel your comment.  I will gladly share the titles with you.

Keep your shoulders back, your head held high and have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

Inspired By a Blurry Picture

The week after Christmas, I was sitting at my kitchen table with my son helping him write thank you notes to everyone for his Christmas presents this year and something happened to me that hadn't happened in awhile. I heard a voice in my head... it was uncomfortable yet tried to sound as though it were confident. It boldly said this to me...

“Wendy... you haven't had a drink in 4 years. You're not really an alcoholic. I mean, if you were an alcoholic, you wouldn't have been able to go 4 years without a drink. It’s okay for you to drink. You can just have one or two... you'd be fine. Go ahead. You deserve it.”

For a nanosecond a little flicker of hope rose in me... maybe I can drink just one or two! But another nanosecond later I laughed at the voice remembering the truth… there is no doubt that I am an alcoholic. A flash of my old life hit me. I drank a lot and had no control. I did horrible embarrassing things that any good and decent person would feel ashamed of. I drank and wasn't able to stop at one or two. I drank to feel better, I drank to hide pain, I drank to celebrate, I drank for no reason, I drank even when I didn't want to... I drank just to breathe. And in the end, my drinking led me to not want to breathe anymore. All of these past memories were blurry, black and white pictures, but their blurriness and blandness didn't hide their truth. I am an alcoholic. As for not drinking for the last 4 years, there is only one reason I have not had a drink and it's not because I am not an alcoholic. It is because God has blessed me with day by day sobriety. God is the only reason my blurry, monochrome past isn't a very vivid full-color HD real-life picture of my present.

I laughed at the lying voice in my head and put its fire out as if I were smashing the butt of the very last cigarette I ever smoked. Secrets give a great foothold to the devil so I immediately stood from my chair and let the battle that had just raged in my head come out of my mouth and become real... I went to my husband and told him the thoughts that had just passed through my head. I then went to the phone and called my sponsor to talk it through. I have many more one-day-at-a-time's tacked onto my sobriety since then. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve done a lot of reflection on myself in the last six months. It turns out I’ve made some mistakes even after getting sober. This was hard for me accept since I thought I was fairly close to perfect just because I quit drinking (ha ha). After working hard to get sober through self-honesty, I got a little lazy. I may not have been drinking, but several of my character defects moved into high gear. Apparently I was highly addicted to drama and didn’t realize it. I had the propensity not to shut my mouth when I should and my boundaries in friendship skills needed a lot of work. The perception I had that I was supposed to be more perfect in life after getting sober coupled with a giant ego made me unable to clearly see these additional defects of character as they were pouring out of me.

Fast forward a few years and the character defeats I listed above mixed with the character defect of some others made for an extremely toxic environment for me, and them. Finally God made me so uncomfortable in my own skin that I broke. Just like with my drinking, He forced me to come back to Him and take a good long look at myself. It was only then I was able to see those defects clearly. I winced and cringed as I faced them and asked the questions… “What do I do about it? How can I move closer to who God means for me to be?”

Another fast forward… with God’s help, I have examined my ways with all the honesty I could muster. With my therapist’s help I have added some tools to my tool box to assist me in changing the yucky stuff. With my sponsors help, I’ve stayed sober through it. With God’s perfect prompting, I have made my amends to the people I hurt along the way which was no easy task. There was (and still is) a lot of pain associated with these events and as we all know, it takes two to tango. Everyone has their own view and their own version of the story based on their perceptions. A little white lie can turn into a giant snowball in which the truth is so deeply hidden even the people involved can’t see it. But God tells me, all I can concern myself with is MY mistakes, MY wrongs and MY failings. Through all this, especially after making the amends, I can say I have found a certain amount of peace about that part of my life. I have also made some major changes by removing myself from involvement in activities out of obedience to God for the purpose of distancing myself from the destruction of the past. My spirit has changed yet again but for the good, even though there was a lot of suffering along the way.

It’s been hard to admit to myself that yes… I have enjoyed drama too much. Yes… my mouth has gotten out of control and yes… I haven’t really known how to build and maintain a healthy friendship. But, admitting these things has allowed me to be more aware of who I was, who I don’t want to be and most importantly, who I hope to be in the future. With God’s help, there has been a lot of progress… and more to come. I’m curious as to what my next set of defects will bring about. I’m hoping it won’t be as painful, but I guess sometimes that’s what it takes. I’m so glad I finally have peace over this part of my past. It is a welcomed relief.

So why then, did my spirit get all discombobulated about all of this same junk again at the mere mention of a person from that past who has made yet another accusation of me? I thought I had worked through all of this… wasn’t my spirit at peace? In an instant it didn’t matter that the accusation was untrue, it didn’t matter that I had already made my amends, it didn’t matter that I knew God had forgiven me for my part and my wrongs. No, these past memories were vivid full-color HD larger than life pictures of ME. Just a glimpse at them and I was right back there in the moment feeding on drama, saying too much and showing the world what a bad friend I was. In short… I was an awful person making terrible mistakes, ruining everything for myself (and if I want to dive even deeper into self pity, I could even say I was ruining everything for everyone else… wahhhh). Ugh, my life and spirit were sucked dry in an instant. The picture was clear…I believed I AM a horrible sinner… I believed I AM a horrible person. And that was my reality. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment surrounded me.

I did the only thing I knew to do, and that was pray. I spent 30 minutes in direct contact with God begging Him to lift this discomfort from me. I apologized to Him yet again for my sins just to clarify that I knew what they were and that I was indeed sorry. Towards the end of my prayer, I prayed for the individual whose mere mention had brought about these awful feelings. I prayed for that person, I asked God to give them everything I was asking for… everything I desired… give it to them. To my amazement, I meant it.

I went about my day not even realizing… I hadn’t thought about it again after that. My peace resumed that quickly, and I didn’t even notice. I should have said thank you but didn’t so I will say it now. Thank you God. You are a miracle worker!

I recalled the voice that entered my head as I wrote thanks you’s with my son, the one that told me I wasn’t an alcoholic… the one that tried to convince me I could drink. I wondered why that hadn’t brought me back to a place of shame, guilt and embarrassment like this other thing had. I mean by all means, it should have, but it didn’t. What was the difference?

The pictures of the past I saw when looking at alcoholic Wendy were blurry, black and white pictures of a person who ceased to exist. Their blurriness and blandness didn't hide the specifics of who this person used to be. Yes, I’m well aware of who I was then and I remember the things I did. What the blurriness did though was keep me from becoming absorbed in the past… it blocked the shame, guilt and embarrassment and allowed me to jump to the truth immediately. Yes, I am an alcoholic and I wasn’t a very nice person back then… but I’m not that same person anymore. God is with me and has forgiven me. I need not go back there… all I need to do is live in today and who I am now. Truth: I am a new creation now.

The pictures I saw when reminded of the other situation were different. They were vivid, full-color, pictures of ME… not former me… but me. And that was when I realized what the difference was…

TRUTH.

I was buying into a lie. The devil was selling me a colorful lie about myself and I was falling for it because I myself wasn’t standing firm on the truth of God’s forgiveness of my former sins. The devil wanted me to believe I was still back there in the midst of those defects, an unforgiven wretch. He wanted me to relive it and beat myself up… to be ashamed and embarrassed. He wanted me to keep asking God to forgive me over and over and over… even though I didn’t need to. AH HA… the difference was the TRUTH.

The more I embrace God’s truth, the more the color in those pictures will fade and the clarity will have no choice but to blur. Truth: I am forgiven. Truth: I am not who I used to be. Truth: God has changed me. Truth: I am a new creation. The truth is, that version of Wendy doesn’t exist anymore… she is hanging out with alcoholic Wendy somewhere in never-never land.

I’ve been sober for 4 years and yes I have worked through the majority of my drinking issues and have found peace. Since I will always be susceptible to relapse, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and sell me a lie. And just the same, even though I have worked through the majority of issues surrounding those defects which wrecked havoc on my life not so long ago and have found peace, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and drag me back into shame, guilt and embarrassment.

I think it’s kind of funny that the devil’s scheme to try and get me to drink totally backfired on him. The blurry picture from my drinking days inspired me to make sure all the pictures of things that have been handled appropriately by my Heavenly Father also got blurred. God is amazing.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Ephesians 6: 10-18

The Ghost of Wendy Past

Have you ever been annoyed with someone? Well that’s a stupid question isn’t it… of course you have. In fact, you’re probably annoyed at me right now for asking such an annoying question. Let me be more specific… have you ever been annoyed in a very subtle yet intense way? Does that make sense? I mean you know you love them, because you do… you love them… and not because you have to, because you honestly love them (and no I’m not talking about my husband right now). Yet, you are so terribly aggravated by them that you wish you could just… hate them???? It doesn’t ruin your day or make you fly into a rage or anything. It just kind of sits in the back of your mind as you go about your daily routine. You smile and function just fine yet you know its there and every once in awhile it flairs up and you just have to clench your fist for a moment and say “Argh!” I for one try very hard not to have my “Argh” sound like a pirate… I prefer a gravely, throaty “Argh” with umph.

So maybe you know what I mean, maybe you don’t. Either way I bet you’re wondering who it is and what happened, right? Maybe it’s you???? Well, I won’t go into specifics here, because they aren’t important to the point. (Sorry to let you down.) What I will do is tell you that I really don’t like feeling this way at all. It is quite disruptive to my overall serenity, so I better deal with it.

Digging in deep I realize I am so annoyed with this person because they are exhibiting behaviors that I once embraced myself. In fact, I’m looking at this person and wondering if I am looking into some freakish mirror that reflects the ghost of Wendy past. It is so very annoying to see what I used to be like! It is so very annoying to deal with what I used to make other people deal with. I swear, I don’t know how people put up with me!!!! I recognize I probably deserve this and I also recognize this is one of the ways God reminds me to be careful and keep making progress in my life. I’ve prayed some about this but for some reason, I haven’t really given it a good hearty prayer. I don’t know why… maybe I’m just leaning on the assumption that God knows how I feel so I don’t really need to explain it to Him. Maybe I think He should just help me out without me having to go into too much detail about it. I have asked my husband to pray FOR me, since I seem to not be able to “get it out” the way I should.

I suppose what I realize right now more than anything is that now is the time to practice this thing called true love. If I do in fact love this person, and I do, I must remove the string labeled, “only when you do what I want you to do” that I have attached to that love. I must look at the scripture and take it to heart.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

A person once explained true love to me in this way… true love is when we want God based self-love to be real for another person. I like that explanation a lot. It means it’s not about “me.” It’s about them, their well-being and their connection with God and if that is truly the case then it can’t be anything other than what scripture says.

I know that this person struggles with self-love. I think we all do in ways. I make the choice right now to be patient, kind, humble, polite, selfless, satisfied, forgiving, honest, loyal, protective, hopeful and lasting in my prayer for self-love for… you, person who has annoyed me because you are a lot like me. After all, I’m sure I’ve annoyed you before. Moreover, Jesus loves me in this way better than anyone ever could (and I bet I’ve annoyed Him plenty). I owe it to Him, given all He has done for me, to at least try and pay it forward.

Funny, I don’t feel as annoyed now.

(If you are wondering if it is you... you can ask me, but I may not tell you. I'm just gonna let it go.)