Change

There have been a lot of big changes in my life lately. A lot. I'm living in an apartment, I have a full-time job, I have separated from my publisher, and I don't see my kids everyday like I used to. So, yeah, change has happened. Change has arrived. But change is happening in me in more than a physical sense. I've known I've been in need of internal (mental and spiritual) change for quite some time and while I had slowly been working at it, the physical changes that have occurred in the last month have thrown my internal changes into fast forward. I've gotta tell you, this is a good thing. An amazing thing. I've been longing for this and finally, it has arrived.

I don't think there is a person in the world who fully enjoys change, I mean REAL change. Change creates discomfort from what's normal to you, from what's become comfortable, from what seems to be easy. Right? Change has a way of evoking fear and in that fear, often times, we tend to lash out at others in an effort to resolve our personal discomfort. I see it in the church environment all the time.

In the last week alone I have made several amazing realizations about myself that are literally changing everything for me. Most of those realizations are not new to me, other people have told me the truth of them, yet I simply didn't "get it". They were head knowledge not partnered with heart knowledge.

For example, with my mental health struggles (depression/anxiety/PTSD), I have often times found myself in a "fit" over an incident that has upset me. Let's use disappointment, someone has made a promise to me and has gone back on it. In the moments following me meeting my hurt, I find myself feeling deeply insecure. I look at my life at large and become insecure about all of it. Am I going to get in trouble at work? Do they even like me or think I'm good at my job? Are the people in my life all just putting up with me and not really invested in me? I haven't heard from my best friend in 12 hours, is she mad at me? Oh, my kids should have a better mom, I'm such a failure in that area. In short, the disappointment I feel in one tiny area of my life becomes fear of everything in my life becoming a disappointment. And I react. I try to fix it. I try to make it stop before it's too late. In my attempt to fix things (that aren't broken, btw) I end up looking a little - nuts. I recognize this but I'm unable to stop the craziness. The nut has rolled far enough down the hill that its momentum is too much for a person of my strength to pause. This has been a pattern all my life. I feel insecure over everything, and in those moments it is REAL and TRUE and not a damned person can convince me otherwise. My therapists, my close friends have tried to tell me that I'm wrong. It's not real. It's just a feeling. I believe them in my head, but the heart just hasn't bought it.

I'm sitting here chuckling. Why? Because yesterday I finally received the heart knowledge to work on this problem in my life. I got frustrated with something - like, feeling like I needed to jump out of my skin frustrated and in an instant, everything in my life became colored with that frustration. I had plans last night to spend time with a new friend and I was really excited for it. It was supposed to be the highlight of my day, yet in my frustration over something else, my excitement left me. At once, I became insecure and got nervous about my plans. Did I still what to do it? Was I simply forcing someone into my life? Did this person even like me enough to want to spend time with me? I even thought about calling the whole thing off, just to keep my new friend from having to suffer through my company. I squinted tightly as I realized my thoughts. "Why the hell did I lose my excitement?" I asked myself. "Where did it go? What happened? What changed?"

BAM! It hit me ... only one thing had change. One thing and one thing only:

My mood.

I felt fine about everything until I got overly frustrated, that's when I became insecure about the rest of my life. I thought through it logically and finally, my heart joined the knowledge party and it all made sense. I felt like a dumb-ass to be honest. "Ohhhhh, so just because MY feelings changed, doesn't mean anyone else's changed." Duh.

If I had cancelled my plans, my new friend probably would have been super confused since they have no idea what's happening in my head. To them, there was no variable in our plans. All was well, the same as yesterday, the same as five minutes ago, so there was no need to change a thing.

Hmmm. Interesting. Now what? So, I'm feeling a grand shift, but no one else is privy to it. But my shift feels real to me. Don't I need to do something? Don't I need to fix it, make sure things are okay?

I'm chuckling again.

Nope. There's nothing to fix. Nothing has changed. All the insecurity is residing in my mood and not in the world. So, do you know what I did? I did nothing. I recognized the truth, I allowed myself to live in that frustration for a time, I distracted myself with helpful options and guess what. It passed. My excitement returned and I went on with life. Hmmm, growth. I have realized something new and embraced it. I have begun necessary change.

Lets' talk about a different kind of change for a moment though. Change as in coins. Little pieces of metal  that used to commonly be used to pay for things. I say 'used to' because not many people carry cash anymore, and loose change? Are you nuts? You can even use a credit card in most vending machines now. Change is not needed in everyday life. Coins are often discarded carelessly. I have a jar of coins, all coins I have found on the ground, and it's full. But let me ask you a question, just because people don't use them or regard them highly anymore, has their value changed?

No. A quarter is still worth twenty-five cents whether it's in a garbage can or someone's pocket. A dollar is still a dollar when it's made up of ten dimes.

I feel like society's resistance to growth and fear of change has created a lot of the problems we all have in life. In addition, it keeps us stuck in a place where we complain about the same things everyday yet do nothing to improve the issue. We enjoy comfort, even when it's having negative impacts. We like what we know and we fear the unknown. Maybe we're a little afraid of who we will become if we change. I think the biggest fear is, will embracing change make me lose my value? Well, if you have four quarters, do you still have a dollar?

Don't be afraid of the quarters and dimes, or even the pennies. Their value is what it is regardless of how the world perceives them. And our value is not rooted in this world. Who you are inside can only become more clear as you embrace change. I encourage you, if you have a thing in your life that you've known needs some work yet fear is keeping you from making change, take a baby step. Give it a go and choose to believe in your heart that your value won't be tainted.

Not My Life, Not My Baby

I haven't written anything in a long time and its not because I haven't had anything to say or even that I haven't thought God had anything He wanted me to share.  It's because I have been in a season of life these last months that have been very quiet.  A quiet season... never thought I would have one of those!  Probably because I have never sat still for long enough to ever even have more than a few days of quiet.  To think it has been nearly seven months of quiet... is crazy to me.

I remember feeling a loss of purpose around January 2012.  We had just settled in our new home in Wisconsin so life was very different.  I was happy, but all the change sort of tossed me into a place of not knowing what I was supposed to do next.  Brett had adjusted to school and new friends so quickly.  Plus was getting to that age of not really needing his mama so much that the load of motherhood seemed to be lightening enough that there was more "free-time" in my schedule than ever before. Ryan was happy working from home and being close to family, he was helping out a lot and seemed to not really need me as much either.  I hadn't had enough time here yet to make any close friends, those relationships were just beginning or maybe not even in the picture yet and I didn't feel as drawn to the recovery work I had been doing in Texas as I thought I would have.  I was happy and living without regrets yet feeling a bit lost, wondering what big job God had for me next.  I was kinda bored. I didn't really want to go out and get a job, but there was this hole that needed to be filled. I distinctly remember asking God to tell me what my new big purpose in life was.  I have to be honest though and say, I didn't really listen for an answer.  As bored as I felt, I was kind of enjoying not having to do much.  I didn't want it to change because it was comfortable.  What if my next purpose was going to stretch me or make me dive into something I really wasn't wanting to do?  It was kinda nice to be able to watch TV whenever I wanted to and not have any real obligations to attend to weekly.  It was kinda nice to feel freedom from any hustle and bustle.  Nice but also boring.  Maybe I could just get used to boring?.  That would be great.  "Hey God, scratch that request for a new purpose... I'll just chill over here and work on getting used to boring."

I thought I was generally happy, I really did.  But looking back I suppose I can see an emptiness building in me.  I was becoming more introverted, which any one who knows me knows that is not really who I am.  I was beginning to have these crazy mixed emotions of sadness at my boredom but then I'd get angry at my son or husband when I was interrupted from my boredom. I was participating in volunteer work and Bible study but it was always a struggle to actually make myself go. I thought I was content, but deep down I was nothing of the sort.

My world was rocked in May when I found out I was pregnant.  I was about to turn 40, had just found out I had fibroid tumors that needed to be removed and totally not on board with the whole idea of being mom again.  This baby was REALLY gonna get in the way of my life plan.  I didn't want my life to change, I didn't need my life to change and I didn't think there was any way I could handle starting over with kid number two again.  I was mad.  So mad... at my husband, at myself, at life but mostly at God.  How could He let this happen to me?  How could He do this to me at this point in my life??  Why God, what are you doing messing with my life???

Luckily, I have had enough experience in my spiritual life to recognize that being mad at God isn't a sin.  In fact, I talked to Him about how mad I was at Him often. I think that was the whole of my prayer life for many many weeks... me telling God how pissed I was at Him.  I became depressed and withdrawn.  I shriveled inward into myself not wanting anyone to touch me, talk to me or try to understand me.  I just wanted to be left alone.  Eventually, I turned to our new Pastor and asked him to meet with me.  I don't know why I did that, I mean I didn't really want help - I wanted to be miserable but my hand reached out and dialed the phone as if it had a mind of its own and once the appointment was made, I just went ahead and went.  He helped me realize that a better use of my anger would be to point it at satan, instead of everything else.  Thus the writing I posted on May 17th called "Mocked".  That was very cleansing to me.

From there my heart began to slowly (oh so slowly) open to God and His will for me.  I slowly began to realize that my stubborn need to be in control of my life was blocking God's will for my life.  I admitted to Him that I didn't really want His will, and asked Him to help me change that.  I've been around the block enough times to know that God's will is gonna be whether I want it or not, so it's a lot easier to just get on board and stop whining.  I had this notion that I was supposed to just have a total change of heart over night and be ready to go with a smile on my face the next day cheerfully announcing my commitment to God's will to the world - yeah!  But when I woke up and that wasn't my reality and I didn't have the energy to fake it, I was confused.  I was still so sad about this change God had for me.  So sad, to the point of despair.  Faith got me through though.  I've had some rough times in life and the experience of making it through those rough times with God's help led me to know... without doubt... that this rough time was going to be okay, even though I didn't like it.  I realized that even in my deep despair, I trusted God fully.  It was then my relationship with God began to change and become something it never had been before.  Intimate.  Quiet.  Nearly silent.  Effortless.  I began to let Him take care of me without worry of what I needed to do to earn it.  I stopped working so hard to achieve a relationship with Him.  I sat quietly, just me and Him, no need for words, just there together.  Me in His hand.

My husband began to worry that my relationship with God was slipping.  He was so used to me being a crusader for Christ and a loudmouth, hard working, go-go-go Christian that this quiet wife of his who barely even spoke of God was very concerning.  I assured him that he didn't need to worry, but I think he did anyway.  He had no idea what was churning inside me, and I didn't really either.

I was having no fun with this pregnancy at all!  I was very sick, throwing up almost every hour some days.  I found it difficult to eat, my digestive system was whacked and the pain from my fibroid tumors was so intense some days I would just cry and cry. I was miserable.  I began to wonder why I wasn't happy.  I mean I had this faith and trust in the Lord, wasn't that supposed to get me through this with a smile on my face and great attitude?  Then one day God popped Paul in my mind.  I imagined him sitting in prison and how miserable he must have been.  His faith was there, his trust was there... but it was a hard time and it is highly unlikely he was overflowing with sunshine everyday as he sat there.  I gave myself permission... actually I feel like God gave me permission to be miserable.  I decided to be okay with my miserable days but not let them make my whole life miserable.  There were good days and when I had them, I needed to make the most of them and be thankful.  By some miracle I was able to do that, without guilt.  Just me in God's hand.

Each stage of this pregnancy has been a challenge, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how God has done it, but He has ever so slowly changed me and my heart through this pregnancy for the good.  This baby has been a completely unexpected gift of new life... new life to me and new life to this little girl in my belly.  I am so very thankful for this gift now, so in awe of His plan and His will.  I hope I can hold on to these lessons for years to come.  I hope I can remember how much I get in the way of His will when I try to control my life.  I hope I will remember that my life is not my own at all, it is His fully... and my baby is not my own either, she is fully His as well.  Thank you for giving me people in my life to speak Your truth to me through this when I have needed it... Mary, Justin, Pastor Decker, Jess, Stephanie, Stef, Jen and Jenn. Thank you for the gift of my friend Cindy here in WI who has been  so very helpful in so many ways.  Thank you God for forcing me to step up to the plate.  Thank you for giving me this opportunity to follow Your will, truly lose myself so I can gain so much more of You.  Thank you for helping me turn my fears over to You as the devil tries to haunt me with them. Thank you for trusting me with another one of Your children.  She is very loved already even though she won't be here until Dec 19th! 

   

Slow Driver

I never thought it would happen to me… no… never. But it has. I am embarrassed to admit that I have become one of those dreaded… slow drivers. I’m not 100% sure how it happened but I have my guesses and I suppose when I sit down and put it all together, it does make a little sense. Looking at my past driving record, it's probably a good thing!

I think it started back in November 2010 when my therapist told me I needed to learn how to slow down and learn to take care of myself and relax. Since slowing down was not my forte, it really took a large effort for me to do this. I supposed slowing down even seeped into my driving skills a bit back then.

In December, someone got mad at me on the highway for driving too slow in the left lane. When I looked down at my speedometer I realized I was going only 75 in a 70... only 5 mph over the speed limit. I got out of his way as he flashed a nice finger gesture at me and sped off. Three things happened in my mind that day.

1.  Anger: I got a little angry as the self-righteous part of me awakened and said, “Hey… my tax dollars pay for this road too! The law says the speed limit is 70 and if I want to drive in the left lane going 70, that is my right!”
2. Realization: I realized that when other people are in a hurry… it has absolutely nothing to do with me. We are all responsible for our selves and if he was late… it wasn’t because I was driving the speed limit in “his” lane. It was for completely unrelated reason.
3. Grace: Certainly not grace from me... but a heavenly gift of grace from God... a glimpse into His way of doing things came over me.  I became acutely aware that everyone we come across everyday has their own battles and secrets. Instead of flaring up, I said a prayer for the hurried driver's safety and the safety of the people around him. I asked God to give him peace.

I have since spent more time driving in the middle lane to avoid making others mad but hey… my tax dollars do pay for the road too so you might still catch me in the left lane from time to time.

In January, as I drove my son to school in the mornings, I became keenly aware of the people who were using our neighborhood as a cut through to avoid the stop signs and a school zone on their way to work. It began to annoy me. Not because they were using our neighborhood roads, but because these “cut-thru-commuters” were speeding and ignoring our stop signs. In addition, if one of them got stuck behind me, they would get mad because as I stated in my title – I have become a slow driver. In my neighborhood I especially drive slow since there are lots of kids, bikes, dogs, cats and families. Why wouldn’t I respect my neighborhood, especially on my drive to take my son to school? I recently wrote a letter to our mayor and city counsel asking what could be done about the cut-thru artists. That is so not me.

In February, I got really sick. One thing I have noticed about myself through the years, even as a young lead-footed whipper-snapper… when I was sick… I drove slow. In fact, that was one of the ways I would judge how ill I was. “Oh man… I must be sick. I’m driving under the speed limit!” As you probably know, I have remained ill for quite sometime, I am working at my recovery from a bad bacteria infection but it is a long, slow and tedious process.  I stopped looking at my speedometer to gauge how sick I was feeling because... I was feeling sick all the time.

I guess through all of this, driving slow has just become my new normal.  I said in the beginning I was embarrassed about that but now that I'm typing this, I don't think I really am embarrassed.  I think I'm thankful.  Driving slower shows me that I am doing something right in my attempt to listen to God and slow down my life.

I went to the post office to mail two packages a few weeks ago. The line in the main area was really long, 15 or so people, and there were only two tellers so I decided to use the self-service postage machine. It’s pretty cool and I’ve done it many times so I knew I could fly right through the process without much trouble. As I began to weigh my first package, a man came and got in line behind me. As I progressed through the machine prompts he began to sign louder and louder to show his impatience, as though his noticeable displeasure would make me go faster. I was definitely in his way. Another woman got in line behind him and then another… so I was at the machine with three people behind me. I zipped right through the first package and started my second one. The man sighed more, and began commenting about how long I was taking. Seriously though, it had only been maybe 90 seconds. I ignored him, and neither of the people behind him in line said anything either. I was literally about to push my last button to retrieve my postage sticker when the impatient man behind me said, “I’m just going to go get in the other line… you are taking entirely too long!” then stepped out of line and huffed off to the main postal area line. Right then, my sticker popped out of the machine and I was done. I turned and looked at the lady who was next and said, “His impatience is your gain… I guess its your turn now.” She smiled and said, “Yep!” I let my son put the packages in the super cool alien-esk package eater and we began to leave. I decided to look over at the main postal area to see where Mr. Impatient-Pants was in line. I counted the people in front of him in line now… 22. He was going to be there for awhile. I’m not going to lie… I did a little evil laugh in my head… but only for a moment (okay, maybe two).

As I drove home from the post office, God really spoke to me through this experience. I have lived most of my life in an extremely impatient state. I want what I want and I want it now. I don’t want to wait in line, I don’t want to have to work too hard, I don’t want to be obedient… I want immediate gratification. I want to cruise right down the highway as fast as possible so I can just get where I’m going and get on to the next thing. God has been telling me to slow down for awhile. But I realized, that wasn’t all He had be asking of me… He was also asking me to enjoy the journey along the way.

I went to a class called “Renewal In Christ” several months ago. One of the big pieces of wisdom I took from that was how important it is to remove hurry from my life. I realized hurry and busyness have become the devil’s playground in my life. I had been working at slowing down… did pretty well at it for a time but then got right back into hurrying, worrying and trying to keep myself busy. I believe God allowed me to become ill so He could MAKE ME slow down. Because of the illness, I had no other choice.

The only treatment for my illness is complete diet change... gluten free, casein (dairy) free, wheat free, caffeine free and most importantly… SUGAR free. And when I say sugar free… I mean all sugar, not just plain white sugar. Even the natural sugars in fruit are a no-no for me right now. And it’s not a quick fix… it’s a long tedious process that is going to take time and patience. I will have good days and I will have awful days. And for me, a person who wants what I want and wants it now, a person who doesn’t want to wait in line, a person who doesn’t want to have to work too hard and a person who definitely has difficulty being obedient… this is hard work. I have had to learn that immediate gratification means nothing. I have had to begin to find the joy in the journey. 

There are times, like today, when I want to give up and just say “Screw it… I’m having chocolate pie!” but then God helps me remember Mr. Impatient-Pants at the post office. Hurrying will get me nowhere. In fact, changing my well-thought out, God-directed path purely out of impatience will do nothing but delay my results. The temporary joy I may get from instant gratification is a short-lived lie of the devil. Real joy comes from obedience to the God-guided journey.  I’m glad God has made me slow down, I’m glad God has made me change my ways and I am even glad I have become a slow driver. I don't think I could have begun to learn this any other way and now that I see it, I don’t want to miss a moment.  Not even the sucky ones like today when I have zero energy, a headache and a huge poison sumac rash all over both arms.  Can I just tell you, poison sumac is not fun at all... but I hear God in the back of my mind saying... "be obedient... don't scratch... be patient."

(yes... thats me in the picture... do you like my new hairdo??? )

Empty

January 1, 2011 was a fun day. I got to sleep in until almost 9 am which was great considering my son has an internal alarm clock that wakes him at 6:00 am on-the-spot no matter how late he stays up. I drank some coffee while listening to some great music then embarked on a nearly two hour Ben 10 Alien Creating battle with my son. It was really fun, even though I was the big loser. I made and delivered some food to a friend who was recovering from surgery and then ... FOOTBALL! None of the teams I really wanted to win did... Penn State, Wisconsin, Uconn, GA Tech all seemed to follow my lead as loser of the alien battle but that was okay. I enjoyed watching and being in the warm safety of my cozy home with my family. We had loaded nachos and pizza rolls for late lunch.... and dinner... and I didn't even feel sick since I didn't over indulge too much (a miracle in itself). I built a fire in our fireplace but it had rained recently so our wood was slightly damp. I wasn't sure if the wood would burn but we have gas to help it get going. There was a little trouble getting it started so one of my arms ended up with less hair than the other... whoops. I have always loved the glow of a nice fire although I could have done without the smell of burnt hair. A beautiful hue of blue closed my evening out... and it wasn't the kind of blue any of us ever enjoy seeing. It was the dreaded computer blue screen of death. We had been trying to resolve some internet issues and in the process my computer decided it too desired a fresh start for the New Year. In an instant... its entire past was erased. Gone... forever. Hubby got the operating system back on so I'm back in functioning order but don't have any of my old files, pictures and I lost my Photoshop application... bummer. The book I had been writing for 2 years... gone; all 400+ pages. Are you ready for the most shocking part of the blue screen fiasco? It didn't bother me AT ALL. My heart rate didn't quicken, I didn't panic, I felt no stress at all over the loss of everything that was gone... and I slept like a baby that night. For me that was absolutely bizarre behavior. In the back of my mind I believed God was telling me it truly was time to forget the past... all of it, and move on in peace.

Speaking of the past, I wrote an article entitled “365 Days” last year. It was a pitiful whine-fest about how I recognized how much of my life had changed on my birthday July 1, 2010. I was having a pity party, a whoa-was-me, ‘everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms’ moment. I remember what I was feeling back then... life seemed unfair because many of the things I wanted seemed to have been taken from me. All I could see was my own personal loss and I felt like a victim. Life had changed, and I didn't like it at all. I wasn't on board.

Six months later the new year hit, and not one of the things I felt had been unjustly taken from me back in July had been restored. In fact, a big truckload of additional people, things and responsibilities had been removed from my life since then. Yet, January 1, 2011 was one of the most peaceful days I had in a long time. I remember sitting content and at peace, not whining at all like I did in July. Life had changed even more, but I had decided to jump on the bandwagon, and that made all the difference.

As glad as I am that 2010 is over... I wouldn't have changed it for the world. July was a turning point for me where I was faced with the choice; to stay where I was and feel like a victim -OR- humble myself and search for God's will. God was trying to light a fire with me but I had stayed out in the rain for a bit too long. It seemed all I could do was smolder and hiss. He didn't give up on me though because that is the kind of God He is. He loves me and will pursue me with great passion, intensity and fervor for the rest of my life. Nothing can change that... not even my stubbornness… or dampness. God decided to turn the gas on in my life’s fireplace to get the fire to start since my dampness was in the way. I'm not gonna lie... it hurt. It burned every single time I had to look in the mirror and accept my failings and my mistakes of the past 18 months. I cringed deeply as I realized I was not a victim and had actually played a huge role in creating my own circumstances. The pain only deepened as I had to submit to every change He asked me to make... He said, “Let go of this... let go of that. Look at who you really are and rely on Me to make the changes you need to make to be happy again. Be still my child. Be still. Let Me be your God... let Me be your ONLY God.”

It took time for me to get it, but finally I did and I listened. I decided to make a conscious effort to be still and let Him be my ONLY God. The entire months of November and December, I took a break from everything except my marriage and motherhood. In that time I focused on my relationship with God and tried to learn how to be still. Let me tell you, it was very difficult for me. I am the kind of person who is always going, always moving, always looking for what’s next and I can honestly say I had no idea how to make myself be still. I actually needed someone to tell me how to do it! I had to try several different things to find the best way for me to be still. That sounds funny… being still should just be, being still… right? I have learned that each person has a different stillness capacity and a different way to get there. It took some time, but I found mine. I feel obligated to say being still doesn't mean being lazy. There is a huge difference.

Until this little experiment in being still, I had never realized just how many things I have allowed to get in the way of the most important things in life. For goodness sake, I have even let my pursuit of God get in the way of my relationship with God. That is just crazy! I was letting my service for God take the place of my actual relationship with God. In addition it seemed I had carried a perception around with me for years that I had to “be” something to be useful. And if I wasn’t being “useful” then I was purposeless. What’s interesting is that being me, being a wife and being a mom didn’t count in my thinking as me being useful. Those jobs were just expectations and what really mattered was what I did outside of those titles. Being in Bible study, doing design work for churches, being a sponsor and speaker, being the ministry leader for Celebrate Recovery… now those were the things that were useful. Those were the things that won me favor and allowed me to feel good about myself. Sounds a lot like I had been trying to make it into God’s graces by my works… doesn’t it? In my two months of stillness I have seen just how deep my lack of self-esteem runs. I have seen how I have used all those things I do outside of being a wife and mother to fill up an empty spot in my soul. And I have seen that the only way self-esteem can be real and lasting is when I receive it from my basic, simple relationship with God. I’ve heard that many times, I have even said it but now, for the first time ever, I feel it for myself. Just being Wendy should be enough.

November and December were two of the most challenging months of my life. They went against everything that was natural for me. I… did… nothing… except be a wife, a mother and a daughter of God. I tested my usefulness. I let all my works go. I faced my lack of self-esteem head-on and guess what… I survived. Not only did I survive but I learned how wrong I have been about so many things. I learned that there is no more important part of life than simply being me. In being me, I get to be a wife, I get to be a mother and I am the daughter of God, no matter what. Anything else God asks me to be part of is icing on the cake. What I have learned is ironic, the only way to fill up the emptiness was to empty all the filling. Emptying my life showed me how to be full.

As I go forward from my stillness experiment now, my prayer is for God to keep me grounded in the things that matter. I have already been tested and almost fell into some old behaviors fairly quickly. I am so thankful that God has been keeping me on my toes, making me so uncomfortable when I am sliding backwards. I suppose I could just keep myself locked up at home without involving myself in anything else just to make sure the important stuff stays important but I don’t think that’s what God wants from me. I have to learn how to go out and live life without readopting my past philosophy that simply being me isn’t good enough. It is good enough. And just so you know, simply being you is good enough too.

Christian Leadership Is Like a T-Shirt... Really, It Is!

A few weeks ago my husband said to me, “Wow, you sure do have a lot of Jesus shirts!” Yes, I do. I’ve written a few different articles concerning my t-shirts. Check out June’s articles “Blending In” and “Responsibility… An Addendum to a T-Shirt” and October’s “Out of Propane … Again.” I’m a big fan of Jesus shirts, not so much because I think I’m making people love Him by seeing my shirt, but more because it’s a way I can profess my faith without saying a word. I can show Jesus my devotion to Him and show I am not ashamed to profess it. It also has created a new way of thinking for me… a way of being more responsible for my actions and to not be a bad example for Christ. The impact of Jesus shirts has been life changing for me.

I am a leader at church and I take it very seriously. Right now I’m forming a team for something very important. In the training material it honed in on something that has really stuck with me. Other than love and devotion to Christ, the idea is that the most important ingredient to a good church leader is their ability to walk their talk. Before making leadership appointments or pleas for help, first stop and ask “does this person’s life reflect their devotion to God in all facets? Do they live out their belief? Do they walk their talk?" That’s not to say they have to be perfect… no one is. But there is a big difference in the credibility of someone who says “do as I do” and a person who says “do what I say, but ignore how I act.”

When it comes to Jesus t-shirts, you have 5 choices to consider:

Choice One: You can choose not to go in the store the sells that type of shirt. That’s right… there is nothing in there for you! You’ve either got it all figured out on your own or you don’t think “that stuff” can help you with anything. It’s a bunch of hooey. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in a shirt like that!”

Choice Two: Once in the store and browsing, you see a shirt that strikes your fancy. “OHHHH, that is pretty!” or “Ha ha, that’s kinda funny…” but you make a choice. You choose not to buy a shirt at all. “It’s too much trouble, what will people think of me if I wear THAT… yes, that shirt is for OTHER people, not me.”

Choice Three: After you buy the shirt, you realize that it carries with it a bit more responsibility than you first thought. At that point, you make the choice to never actually wear it (or maybe you just wear it to bed as a night shirt). So, it hangs in your closet, every once in while you consider putting it on to wear in public but then you don’t. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to deal with the responsibility of having to watch your behavior – or maybe you are afraid… afraid you will fail and afraid you will be a bad example. “I don’t want to be a bad example. If I’m not perfect, God will be mad. I may turn people away from God then their lack of salvation will be all my fault.” (FYI you sin all the time whether you have the shirt on or not and God still loves you – and God is much bigger than you so if you mess up one person’s view of Christ, He has boundless opportunities to fix it, so get over yourself!)

Choice Four: You can choose to wear the T-shirt and walk around willy-nilly without a care in the world. You’re flipping people off, cursing like a dude that just fell off a navy boat, getting loaded at the bar… you’ve forgotten about the shirt completely or maybe you just don’t care one way or another. Perhaps the t-shirt is fashionable, or maybe it makes you feel like you are part of something, maybe it’s just comfortable, maybe it makes you feel important… who knows… but you can choose to put it on and wear it just like any other shirt in your closet.

Choice Five: You can choose to wear the shirt and take the responsibility seriously. When you put it on, you say to yourself “I am going to do my best to be an example that makes God shine. I am going to walk as closely to Jesus as possible today.” Okay, so you might mess up but refer back to the parenthetical at the end of Choice Three… get over yourself, God can fix ANYTHING. The amazing thing with this choice is that if you work on this consciously, in time what will happen is you will not need to prep yourself each time you put the shirt on, and maybe just maybe you will unconsciously become a better disciple of Christ than you ever have been before no matter what shirt you have on… and what could possibly be wrong with that? Nothing… it’s awesome. I have seen this happen in my own life. And yes, I do screw up. But… I keep putting the t-shirt on and keep doing my best. Isn’t that what being a Christian is really about… having the shirt on every single day?

So now, what the heck does the t-shirt have to do with Christian leadership??? A lot really… it’s just we don’t think of it this way.

Choice One: You can choose to not put yourself in a position to ever be asked to step forward for Christ. Perhaps that means not going to church at all, maybe it’s just going on Easter and Christmas. Maybe it’s regular attendance but out the door you run as soon as it’s over. After all, you don’t want anyone to approach you and actually ask you to do anything for the church. If they did, you’d either have to make up some lame excuse about how busy you are or you’d have to say yes just so people don’t think you’re a bad person. Then you end up serving God with a bad attitude. He LOVES that (sarcasm).

Choice Two: You go to your house of worship every week. You enjoy the people and the social aspect and that Pastor he is really great… he tells the best stories (they’re in the Bible, you should read it sometime). But when it comes to all that extra stuff… Bible study, small groups, food drives, angel tree, clean team, prayer chain… the list goes on… it sounds interesting at first but… “It’s too much trouble, what will people outside of my church think of me if I commit to THAT… yes, that stuff is for OTHER people to do, not me.”

Choice Three: You’ve been attending regularly for a long time, you’ve even officially joined the church and it feels good. You have “purchased” a tiny corner of the building by committing your tithes. Someone steps up and directly asks you, “Would you be willing to lead a new team for us? I think you have the skills and background to do a great job. This ministry could be incredible and reach lots of people… will you think about it?” You are so honored and you go home with a smile on your face. “Wow… they thought of me! I must be doing something right, I have it all together! They know I love God and see what a good person I am.” Suddenly, the honor starts to turn on you…. And fear steps in… “But I don’t have it all together… and what if they find out? What if they find out about my bad habits? Will they kick me out of the church?” Then the Spirit steps in… “But God obviously brought this to me for a reason, maybe He is asking me to step up. Maybe with His help I can make some changes within myself that I have been putting off for a long time.” Enter Satan…”Who do you think you are? You can’t change. You are just a worthless sinner and you have no business leading anyone in anything. They will laugh at you, they will mock you, you will fail… you’re better off letting someone more qualified than you take this.” You call the person who asked you to lead this new team or ministry and you politely decline. Part of you is ashamed because the voice of the Spirit told you ever so quietly that He wanted you to do this and that perhaps it was time to makes some changes in your life. The other part of you is relieved. You can go on just the way you’ve always been, doing the things you want to do, not worrying about if people find out or what people will think of you. Whether you realize it or not, that relief brings more guilt… and shame.

Choice Four: You agree to head up the new ministry. You are ready to go and proud that you were chosen. This is a point of ego for you “I am a leader, people look up to me, I am good.” Deep inside you know that your position as a leader means that you should probably not act out in certain ways but, who do these church people think you are, Jesus? “I mean, I need to live my life and be who I am.” You have chosen to lead but you walk around willy-nilly without a care in the world. You’re flipping people off, cursing like a dude that just fell off a navy boat, getting loaded at the bar. When you are outside of your ministry, you’ve forgotten about your church responsibility completely or maybe you just don’t care one way or another. Perhaps to you leadership is fashionable, or maybe it makes you feel like you are part of something, maybe it makes you feel important… who knows… but you can choose to take on the role of leader in Christ but segment your life so that you don’t have to make any changes that reflect your choice to lead others to be closer to Christ. Sadly, I believe this is where most people find themselves. I would love to be wrong.

Choice Five: You can choose to lead the ministry and take the responsibility very seriously. When you wake up in the morning of a ministry responsibility, you say to yourself “I am going to do my best to be an example that makes God shine. I am going to walk as closely to Jesus as possible today.” You recognize that you will never be perfect, you will make mistakes, you will need to make apologies but your faith is strong and you know without doubt… God can fix ANYTHING. You step out just a little bit further and realize that the way you act in public, while at work, while at the coffee shop, while waiting in line at the grocery store is also a reflection of your ministry. What if someone from church saw you flipping off the car next to you? Because you are a leader, would they then think it was okay to do such things? Or would they go the other way and make a decision to NOT be like you? You put yourself in God’s hands humbly and ask Him to do His best work with you, molding you into the person He made you to be. You allow your ministry to bleed into your entire life. The changes you have been waiting to make… you jump off and do it with the help of God. Eventually with this attitude you will unconsciously become a better disciple of Christ than you ever have been before no matter where you are or what you are doing… and what could possibly be wrong with that? Nothing… it’s awesome. I have seen this happen in my own life. And yes, I do screw up. But… I keep trying and keep doing my best. Isn’t that what being a Christian is really about… leading people towards Christ every single day?

Are you still wondering what a T-shirt and Church Leadership have in common?

Well, here’s a big idea for you to try to swallow. Forget about t-shirts and specific ministry leadership for a moment. Let’s go really basic. Think about your allegiance to Christ. Do you call yourself a Christian? Do you call yourself a Christ follower? Well, the choice to be a Christian, a Christ follower, is in and of itself a daily leadership position. If you are a person who calls yourself Christian… I urge you to take it very seriously in all facets of your life. It is a matter of life and death; few and many, narrow and wide.

If you have made the decision to lead within the body of God’s church, I also urge you to take it very seriously in all facets of your life. It’s not an easy thing to do. In fact it takes a lot of discipline and prayer. But you have peoples’ lives in your hands and in addition you have made a “contract” with God to aid his ministry one soul at a time. If you can not take this seriously, don’t accept the job. None of us are perfect, and one of the best things a leader can do is to be authentic, able and willing to say, “I screwed up, I’m sorry… I will try my best to do better next time.” I have very recently had to do this very thing. I was embarrassed, but the outcome was incredible. I built more trust and credibility with my people… and I was told that the fact I could admit my failure proved that I am, in fact, a good leader. I will end with this quote, “Nobody likes to be led, but everyone loves to be led well.” Lead well my friends.