Shoulders Back, Head Held High

I got a wonderful Mother's Day surprise this year... and it was a surprise to my husband and kids too!  While I was greeted with the typical breakfast in bed in the morning and given a card made at school as well as a purse, my real gift... the one that meant the most to me was time.  The time I was given has resulted in a MAJOR change in how I feel about myself.  Let me explain.

Ryan purchased me an ebook about a month ago.  He gave it to me so I could escape into a fictional world that was not of my own building.  He hoped I would read it on vacation in Florida, but that vacation really wasn't conducive to reading.  The Friday night of Mother's Day weekend Ryan asked me if I had started the book yet, and that reminded me I had it so I went ahead and started it before heading to bed.   Quickly, I was immersed in another world... one that wooed me in a very surprising way.

It was a love story... okay maybe not love at first... a lust story with two very powerful main characters with lots of issues.  A few pages into it I read something that totally shocked me and looked over at my husband saying, "What did you buy me???"  His eyes got big as he replied. "I don't know, I read a review and it sounded like you might like it. Why?"  I proceeded to read the part that shocked me aloud to him and he was shocked as well and quickly apologized for getting me this book.

I am a survivor of a sexual trauma and because of this I am very "delicate" when it comes to things that are sexual in nature.  Not long ago I would have closed the book in disgust and then spent the next few days fighting an internal battle of anxiety and repulsion because of the story's raw sexuality and the extremely crude way it explained things.  But for a reason, unknown to me at the time... I was able to keep reading without a problem.  I was shocked.

Quickly, the full plot of the story came into view.  It was about a man and a women, both survivors of sexual trauma (molestation and rape),  and how they had to work through their personal issues with their past in order to be able to truly love each other.  It was a very interesting, passionate, well written piece of fiction that I recognized as being done by an author who either had experienced sexual trauma herself or did a tremendous amount of research to be able to write it's aftermath so correctly and vividly.  I finished the book by Saturday afternoon, unable to put it down and I discovered that the story was actually a trilogy.  Ryan purchased the second ebook for me immediately and I dove in right away.

Book two was a hard read for me as it dealt with the specifics of the sexual traumas as well as the characters realizing how broken they were and how much work it would take to fix it.  I spent nearly all day Mother's Day reading.  The story nearly ripped my heart out as I read... feeling all of the emotions they felt because I had been there and in some ways... realized I was still there.  I don't think I cried, but I hurt and by the end of the book things were very unresolved and I felt sick to my stomach.  I was glad there was a third book because I needed to feel better... and I felt stuck in a bad place.  The book had me remembering some of my past habits that I have worked so hard to break free from... and it had a part of me desiring to go back there and be like that again.  I prayed for God to protect me, and He did but it was a very uncomfortable feeling.  It brought forward a lot of memories I'd just assume forget and showed me some things I hadn't even realized before.  Ryan purchased book three for me Sunday night and I started it right away, hoping for resolve.

Book three was just what I needed.  Resolutions were found and things began to come together for them as a couple,  they beat the crap out of some of their demons and were actually happy.  Personally, I realized the reasons for some of my behaviors and had a cathartic moment over something I had no clue about. It was amazing.  The book ended very abruptly with a lot of open ends and missing info about other story lines - but it closed up the hole I needed closed and I felt total relief when I finished it.  There is supposed to be a fourth book, but it has yet to be released.  Personally, I'm not sure I NEED to read it as I was able to get what I needed out of it already - but I might read it just for fun.

So, I essentially read three books in three and a half days.   I was a woman obsessed.  I've never done that before!   Earlier I said that I was surprised I was able to continue reading, but was able to for a reason unknown to me.  Well, when I was done with all three and had time to think about the journey the books took me through... I understood exactly why I was able to read them.  God knew I would glean exactly what I had been searching and needing for years.  Even through years of therapy, pieces of me were still very broken as a result of the sexual trauma I endured but something about this story... the way it was written, the details it provided and the things it made me realize was extremely healing to my body, heart, soul and spirit.  So many light bulbs lit as I read.  So many things of my past finally made sense to me... I literally felt like a thousand pound weight was lifted off of me.  I fell to my knees while alone and cried like a baby... feeling the freedom I have longed for so deeply wash over me.  I felt blessed by God and so very grateful.

I have always had horrible posture, it's something I hate about myself and I have worked on before but usually give up because it seems I can't make myself stick with holding my shoulders back and my head up high.  I don't think it is a coincidence that since reading this series and achieving that freedom that I am holding my head up higher and my shoulder back farther naturally.  I just feel different.  I am no longer ashamed, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer looking in the mirror with a frown wishing I was something different, instead I feel a new confidence that I believe is exactly what God wants me to feel.  I feel good deep down in my heart and soul.  I feel pretty for the first time ever.  I feel proud of who God has made me into.  Those things were stolen from me a long time ago... but thanks to some very raw, rude fiction given to me by my husband, some time to obsessively read given to me by my family, some hefty guarding of my heart by God and my ability to accept the truth inside me... I got them back... it took 23 years but I got them back!!!  Shoulders back, head held high... I feel good.  Praise the Lord!

I'm sorry I have not said what the series is, if you want to know you can message me.  While I am totally grateful for the series and what it did for me, I don't feel right about passing it on to the average person for entertainment purposes.  I didn't feel it portrayed love and sex in a way that would be pleasing to God at all. In fact it was quite the opposite.  I was able to look beyond that because I have a very firm grip on what I believe God intended love and sex to be like.  For someone who doesn't, this story could be very destructive.  If you feel you need an experience like mine or just feel like you can handle it... PM me or leave your email address as a comment.  Your comment will not be published without my approval so I can just get your email and cancel your comment.  I will gladly share the titles with you.

Keep your shoulders back, your head held high and have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

Triple X

Three X’s in a row can mean a few things… a large clothing size… very sharp cheese… the name of a Vin Diesel movie… a ZZ Top album… or a very unpalatable, uncomfortable subject that many of us cringe at the mere mention of… nakedness. Well, I really am going to talk about the last one… although I don’t think it will be what you “expect.” We are in the middle of a series at Community of Hope called “Sex God” and yes… it is about sex. You might think that is odd, to talk about sex at church but as Joe Carmichael so wisely pointed out last Sunday in our opening week… God invented sex… He created us to be sexual beings… moreover, sex is a real problem these days… so why shouldn’t the church be talking about sex? I don’t think any of us really expect it will just go away if we ignore it.

As a young girl, I didn’t like to read very much. In fact, I was a terrible reader, so bad that I had to give up my recess time to go to reading lab. I remember one summer my parents enrolled me in a book club just to try to keep me reading. It was pure torture!!!! The next summer, my mom bought me a membership with a book club. I got a new book every week or so and they just kept coming in. One of the covers intrigued me because it had a cute boy on the cover. That was the only reason I decided to read it. It was about a nerdy high school freshman girl who had a huge crush on the senior football quarterback. She was poor and didn’t have many friends but somehow, against all odds… she landed the affections of Johnny Jockstrap. By the end of the book, they were walking into the sunset together holding hands. I remember actually getting “high” on the ending. I felt all warm and fuzzy inside and was filled with hope that someday I would be that girl walking into the sunset with the guy of my dreams. I wanted more so I picked up the next book. This time the girl was crippled and confined to a wheelchair but by the end of the book, she was holding on tight to Rippling Rob as they soared through the countryside together on horseback. I felt “high” again and got hooked. I’m not sure how many of them I read or even how many times I read each of them but one thing was for sure… I knew for certain exactly what love was going to be like when my prince appeared.

Huh… yeah right. Part of the story line was fulfilled easily… I was a nerdy girl with very few friends… but as for the rest of the script… pure poppycock. I spent my entire adolescence waiting for my Johnny Jockstrap or Rippling Rob to save me from loneliness. I was completely disillusioned! I grew up though, and dated around a bit.

My first experience with this unpalatable, uncomfortable, nakedness subject was in New York City. A boyfriend of mine wanted to go into one of those “XXX” stores. What totally disgusted me became an obsession for him. He would rent those movies every week and I would stand by completely grossed out and baffled at how someone I liked could like “that.” We grew apart for many reasons, that surely being one of them. I thought he had a low value for women because of his fascination with it, like we were just sexual objects meant for physical pleasure. Ewww… where was the love? Where was the emotional fulfillment? It seemed all those movies did was cheapen sex and give an unrealistic expectation of bedroom bliss…to me it seemed like sexual poison. The average woman wouldn’t be willing to do half the stuff those “actors” and “actresses” did. Ewwwww! How unfair! After that, one of my criteria for dating a guy was that he not be into porn… and yes, I did ask before our first date. Of course asking didn’t prevent me being lied to.

About two years before I got sober I began a major slide into my personal hell. I was extremely unhappy with just about every aspect of my life. I was married and pregnant but I had convinced myself that my husband didn’t love me. I remember watching the movie “13 Going on 30” and getting really mad. I mean, I was livid!!!! I remember thinking how unfair it was that this girl in the movie had two guys that loved her so much. And the fact she got to go back in time and fix a mistake she had made, well that made me even more mad (as if that were realistic in any way shape or form). How come I couldn’t have that? Why didn’t anyone love me the way she was loved???? In fact, that movie spawned my complete hatred for Jennifer Garner that is still hovering over me even today. After that I was even more convinced my husband didn’t love me. I wanted what I saw on the silver screen… no… I believed I deserved what I saw on the silver screen; love, real love, the type of love that moved mountains and stayed hot and heavy at all time. That’s right, I wanted MOVIE LOVE!!!! Movie love was the real thing and I deserved it.

Well, I’ve been sober for over two years now and a lot has changed. Yes, I still hate "those" movies but after all my husband and I have gone through together, no one can ever tell me he doesn’t love me. I know he does, for if he didn’t, he never would have put up with what I dragged him through in the process of wrecking my life and then getting sober. Our trip to hell and back is what showed me exactly what love really is.

One weekend, the movie “The Notebook” was on television and for some unexplained reason I started to watch it. See, that is another thing that changed with my sobriety. I came to despise chick flicks that painted such an unrealistic picture of what love was supposed to be. As I watched this horrendous movie, I went to my imaginary bucket with violent dry heaves at least 100 times. I was seriously nauseous as I watched it. Now, don’t get me wrong… it’s okay to like a good love story… as long as you realize that it is a bunch of unrealistic crap. If you can watch it, let your heart swoon and bawl your eyes out then get right back into reality afterwards… go for it. But for me, and I’m sure many other ladies out there who don’t have even a pinky toe dipped in reality…these movies are emotional poison that set up unrealistic expectations of love. These movies ruin perfectly good relationships every day.

So here is my point, as much as I hate the triple X industry and don’t understand it, I was once very guilty of partaking in the same addiction. It’s just that my high was achieved from the emotional variety instead of the sexual. My movies gave me unrealistic emotional expectations of my spouse. It gave me an illusion that he wasn’t being all he could be, that he wasn’t ever going to love me the way I deserved to be loved. Basically, he couldn’t do anything right, especially after a fresh viewing of “Titanic.” Lord help him! One step worse was this… I not only watched emotional "porn" and let it seep into my soul… I also wrote an emotional XXX book and passed it on to others. When I was wrote DESCO, I was at my expectational worst!

I think one of the biggest things that contributed to my unhappiness up until the age of 34 (that’s a lot of years of misery) was the fact that I had majorly distorted and unrealistic expectations of everything. A big part of that was just that I was born with a brain that doesn’t think the way it should, but there were other factors that contributed over the years. Reading books and watching movies that gave me that “high” certainly didn’t help. Drinking booze helped me numb all the disappointment I felt over everything in my life. In my 20’s I thought I had gotten a little bit better with my expectations by simply hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. While it may have been slightly healthier than expecting the world on a silver platter… I learned later, that mantra was just as bad for me.

The best way for me to live life is to try and have no expectations at all. When that approach was first brought to my attention, I rejected it completely. Why? Because I thought it was a negative way to walk around. In reality, having no expectations keeps things going upward no matter what. I have a great trick to learning how to have zero expectations… so if you’re interested… ask me and I’ll share it with you.

In closing I’d like to say, if you are a person who watches “The Notebook” and then goes on with life happily, able to make love to your husband without pretending he is Ryan Gosling, then I think you’re safe. But if you’re a person who adores “The Notebook” but feels totally unfulfilled by your totally normal, generally good natured spouse just because they don’t make you feel the way the movie makes you feel… you might be suffering from unrealistic expectation syndrome… and you just may have a little unhealthy addiction of your own.

Let me be clear… movie love is not real love. In addition, no person can or will ever fulfill you completely. While porn (sexual or emotional) can be visually stimulating, physically arousing and enjoyable in the moment, it is fleeting and leads to dangerously unrealistic expectations of others.

Only God can fulfill us. His love can make you feel true joy. His love is real and therefore never fleeting. I believe with all my heart that we were meant to feel as though a piece of us is missing when we don’t allow Him to complete us. If that seems unrealistic to you then I have a question… how’s what you’re doing right now working for you? Enjoy your triple X theater, whatever variety it may be. Just remember who will be there waiting for you when all the credits have rolled and you’re stuck with that horribly empty, frustrated, unfulfilled feeling… God will be waiting.