Flawed

Something has been weighing on my mind for awhile now, something I finally got some clarity about this morning and thought I would share for two reasons...

One: I think it applies to all of us and it might be helpful to someone who might be struggling with the same thing

Two: It will be a great post to share the link to in the future, should I need to explain this to someone

As you know, I'm a fiction writer for God. My books are about the real stuff of life: sex, cursing, addiction, pregnancy, mental illness. In my writing, I allow my characters to experience the real stuff and then I allow them to work through it in a real way as a hope to those out there who might be struggling with a similar issue. While my message is Christian, I feel the experiences of my books are fitting for anyone, not just a Christian. I see them as morally-infused. It just so happens that my morals are based in God.

I started a YouTube series where I am reading my book 30 Below for free and then I give some commentary at the end of each episode. In doing this, I am explaining my reasons for making my characters do the things they do. My husband has been previewing them as I finish and after about the third one he came to me and said this...

"When you write, do you really think through all of those lessons and things as you go or does it just happen naturally? I had no idea everything in there had a purpose. It would be really easy to miss so much of that because your work is so entertaining."

I beamed with pride at so many words in those sentences. The answer to his question is BOTH. I do think through a lot of it and make my characters do what they do for reasons, but also I feel like God just gives it to me and if I'm obedient... it all just fits together perfectly. I was glad to know he picked up on that and that he thinks my books are entertaining. I'm so blessed to have him... he is a wonderful man, one I take for grated far too often. (Sorry honey, I'm trying to do better.)

As I continued recording my videos and doing my commentary, I have begun to feel like... I'm not worthy to give these messages. That perhaps I am going to do more harm than good to God's mission and it gave me pause. Why? Well, I'm a very flawed person. Very. Yet, I'm sitting here writing about people who turn to God and resolve their issues with His help. I began to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and wonder if I should continue. I mean, what if someone were to find out just how flawed I am? Would my work then be discredited? Would God's movement in my life be seen as not enough? Over-all would it all be just plain hypocritical and do more harm than good? I got scared and started to feel like I needed to be more perfect just so I don't disappoint the Lord.

Perfection. Yes, if I could do a perfect job at living this life... then my words won't come back to haunt me. But unfortunately, perfection is not within my grasp. Yes, it is my job, especially as a person who is actively pursuing this career to further God's loving reach to be the best I can be... but honestly, I'm just really dang flawed. There is so much to work on to be better that I get overwhelmed when I think about it. And that's when I feel like quitting.

But here's what God had for me this morning as I listened in silence:

Aside from Jesus, God has always used very flawed people to share His love with the world. Always. Why, you ask? Well, who better to reach the flawed than a person who is also flawed. It's relate-able, it's authentic, it gains trust, it's credible and it's the only way He can reach others through a person here on earth since all of us are very flawed.

Let's say you are a person who struggles with gossiping. If a person who claims to have never gossiped came to you and said, "You should really work on your gossiping, other people have noticed it and you should stop." How likely are you to listen to their statement and work on it? Since they claim to have never gossiped, they have no advice for you on how to stop... and if they gave you some, how credible would that advice be? Most likely you would walk away grumbling about hypocrisy.

I myself have struggled with gossip for many years. I have an attraction to drama and gossip stirs it up but what I have learned is that gossip says a lot more about me, than it does about anyone else. It says I am not trust-able. It says I don't respect other people's privacy. It says I am judgmental. It says I am not a good friend or confidant. In the end, it creates distance with people who I actually want to be close with and, it makes me feel disappointed in myself at the end of the day. One thing is for certain, if you are hearing gossip from a person... that person is most likely going to gossip about you too when you're not around. Who wants a friend like that?

Since realizing all of that, I have worked hard at trying not to gossip. I pray asking God to help me be a good friend who respects other people's stories and experiences - they are theirs to tell, not mine. I try to think before I speak and make sure what I'm about to say is appropriate. I do my best not to listen to gossip, as it leads to me wanting to gossip. I fight my urge for drama, reminding myself that being centered is much better for me. I still fail at times though. *sigh*

That's me - I'm flawed. I admit it. I'm a hypocrite. But I share the ugly parts of myself with the hope of helping someone with my experience.  I've broken nearly every commandment (probably all of them in some way). That's what I write about... my experience and what I've learned so I need to stop being scared that someone will attack me for not being perfect. I need to just do my best and trust God.

The apostle Paul is my favorite... I especially like what he says here...

^"I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."
Romans 7:15

Paul knew exactly how I feel now. I know better, yet I still fail. I make willful decisions to act incorrectly. I make accidental mistakes that lead to sin. I forget about God and behave like me... often. Yet, God has called me to be used by Him to reach others and I will be obedient to that call. Anyone who has a problem with that can take it up with God. You will never hear me say I'm perfect... you will only hear me say, "The only reason I know this... is because I'm guilty."

Have an amazing day! And try your best to do the next best right thing. I'm trying!

AS IS Will Be Out On June 17!

I am very excited and nervous to say my book "As Is" is set to come out on June 17th!!!  Excited because it seems like a long time coming... and it will be nice to have a book out that I am actually proud of!  Nervous because I have a lot of work to do to hit that date!  I am also nervous because as with any artistic work... throwing it out to the public is a bit scary.  But, God gave this job to me so I trust He will protect my heart.

It will be available on Amazon in soft back and also in Kindle as an e-book.

I am doing some promotions and it's not for the thin skinned for sure.  It takes an awful lot of I'm excited for you's to erase a Leave me the hell alone!  Or maybe that is just me.  No matter.... I will keep plugging away.  I will be shamelessly promoting anyway because I believe in this book... I believe God is going to use it in wonderful ways!!!

Below are some of my promotional pieces.  I hope you enjoy them and I hope you will support my book!!

Thanks!!!

Should we go with our first impressions?

Denial... we've all been there!

Have a great day everyone!!!

I Was Wrong

The day I graduated from high school was one of the happiest days of my life. I don’t think I had ever felt that kind of joy. I hated those years and for some reason, I just never thought I would make it to graduation. It’s not that I thought I would flunk out or that I wouldn’t be alive… it was that I didn’t think high school would ever end. I never thought it was going to happen, but I was wrong…it did. Thank the LORD! I do still have a recurring nightmare occasionally and it is about being back in high school. I usually wake up in a cold sweat.

I never thought I would ever have a healthy relationship with a good guy who treated me well. I just didn’t think that was in the cards for me. Back then, I guess I didn’t think I deserved to be treated well and I’m sure it didn’t help that I had an assumption that every relationship I was in was going to fail. Basically, I thought every guy who was willing to spend time with me was doing me some sort of favor and it was only a matter of time before he realized he was too good for me. Real love would never happen for me. I was wrong though, God crossed mine and Ryan's paths in 2001.

I never thought I would ever get addicted to alcohol. In fact, right before I became the most active in my drinking, I decided I hated alcoholics… all of them. I thought not being able to stop drinking was an excuse. I didn’t believe alcoholism was a real thing and I surely didn’t think it was anything that could ever happen to me. I was never going to fall victim to another supposed alcoholic’s issues. I was wrong… I fell victim to myself, a gallon a day alcoholic who realized in 2007 I couldn’t stop, even though I wanted to.

I never thought I would ever have a book published with my name on it, but I was wrong. It turns out that anyone can get their name published on a book if they have enough money, regardless of talent. After realizing what a bad writer I was, I never thought I’d be able to write well. I thought my desire to be a writer was just a dream, another thing I would never accomplish. I was wrong… as soon as I let God start driving my writing … my writing improved and now, I’m pretty good at it (even though I’m a terrible speller and suck at grammar).

I never thought I would ever be a good enough artist to have anyone use my work for anything important. I flunked art school, mostly because I stopped going to class. But I stopped going to class because nothing I did was ever good enough for my teachers. I’d never succeed, I sucked. Little did I know, I was wrong about that too. In 2008, God gave me the opportunity to do digital graphics for Him in a modern church environment. I did this for two whole years. He also connected me to a professor who asked me to do some artwork that ended up being published in a college text book.

I never thought I would be able to stand in front of a group of people without being completely self conscious and on the verge of peeing my pants. When I was in school, I dreaded giving oral reports. One of the classes I flunked in art school was art history and I stopped attending because I was required to stand up in front of the class and give a speech. I knew I could never do that. I was wrong… I was the guest speaker at a women’s retreat in October 2010. I have spoken in front of many, many groups since 2008 and haven’t pee’d my pants yet (almost though). Just yesterday I stood in front of over 50 people and shared a 25 minute lesson about how we can give to others the way God desires us to. I’m going to stand in front of a group next week and share my personal testimony. I love being up front and it turns out, God has given me an incredible gift for it. Who would have ever guessed?

I never thought I’d get married, never thought I’d own a home, never thought I’d be pregnant, never thought I’d have a child, never thought I’d have good friends, never thought I’d go to Grand Cayman, never thought I’d live overseas, never thought I’d become a Bible thumper, never thought I’d be able to forgive my ex-fiancé, never thought I’d pay-off my car, never thought I’d be a good sponsor, never thought I’d swim with dolphins or stingrays, never thought I’d enjoy reading to a class of Kindergarteners, never thought I’d enjoy eating fish, never thought I’d have arthritis, never thought I’d believe I’m beautiful, never thought I’d weigh less than I did in high school, never thought I’d have more than 600 Pez dispensers in my collection, never thought I’d be able to accept God’s love and grace… but…

I was wrong. All those things have happened.

We moved to Texas in January of 2003. I was so glad to leave the cold weather of Delaware behind. We had a really bad winter on the east coast that year and because I worked as a payroll tax accountant, I didn’t have a choice about going to work or not on really bad weather days. People still needed to get paid, even when it snowed. Getting to work was such a hassle on those days, especially since the little town I lived in didn’t plow the streets. My Mazda Protégé had a really hard time getting over 4 feet of snow… and my stress level was out of this world. Once in Texas, I vowed I would never live in a cold winter weather environment again… never. My husband is from Wisconsin, so the cold didn’t bother him, but the heat doesn’t bother him either. He never complains. I knew I would never get tired of Texas weather, it was perfect! Hot, hot, hot… one day of fall, one day of winter and then right back to hot. PERFECT!

My husband (did I mention that he never complains), began complaining the summer of 2010. I think it was the day he got in his car after a long day of work and the interior of the car was so hot that the rearview mirror came unglued and dropped to the floor. Now that is hot… and he came home disgusted.

The summer of 2011 has been a beating for most of us Texans. I never thought I’d enjoy being in the 104-106 degree heat working in the yard all day everyday, but I was wrong… I did it all summer. I never thought I’d have that kind of endurance or be able or even willing to work so hard at manual labor but again, I was wrong. It turns out, I’m a good little worker bee and I can push myself really hard when I want or need to. I never thought I could be tough, but I was wrong, with God’s help, I can.

You’d think by now I would know that "never" is a word I should delete from my vocabulary but yesterday, something I never thought would happen, happened. Our beautiful home in Bedford, Texas that we love and adore went up for sale. I cried when I looked out the window and saw the “For Sale” sign out there. We are attempting to sell our home so we can do something I swore I would never do… we are planning to move to Wisconsin. Can you say cold winter weather environment? I guess I was wrong again!  God had actually laid it on my heart long ago, but I didn’t want to face it. But as with all things, God’s voice gets louder and louder the more we try to ignore Him. All these things began happening in our lives and God’s will for us to move seemed undeniable to me. Finally, it came out of my mouth. Ryan almost fell out of his chair when I asked him how he would feel about us moving back to his hometown. He has wanted to go back, but has always very graciously accepted the fact that I would never be willing to live someplace cold.

There are only two things holding me here… our church family who I love more than words can say and the Celebrate Recovery group that I am a part of in my area. If it weren’t for those two things… leaving would be so much easier. I have developed some really great relationships in the last year as a result of those two things and if I’m right, and it’s God’s plan for us to move… it’s going to be really hard to say goodbye. Looking back, I can see how God has been preparing me for this for quite some time. Looking forward I know He will give me exactly what I need to fulfill His desire for me and my family. If that includes Wisconsin, I’m confident He will make sure I have a heavy enough coat.

It’s in God’s hands now, the house is fixed up, the price is set and we have our first showing scheduled bright and early tomorrow morning. I suppose I better get off the computer and go wipe the doggie nose prints off the front windows. I guess the moral of the story is this… when God’s involved….never say never.

Prayer for the Virus Code Writer Dude (or Dudette)

This morning I was surfing the internet in search for something I needed to purchase. It has happened to me a few times, accidentally stumbling upon a fake internet site whose sole purpose is to infect my computer with some sort of horrible virus that will make my computer stop working, ruin all of my files and completely piss me off. Luckily, my husband is a really gifted computer guy. He has set up an amazing protection system for us as well as has taught me how to react and not “fall” for the normal tactics. My favorite of which is the one where the fake AVG-ish window pops up and tells you that you are in fact infected. You think it is a real warning from your own system and so you quickly click on the button that says “Scan Computer” or “Heal Infection.” Unbeknownst to you, what clicking that button really does is set the virus loose on your computer. As if that isn’t bad enough, these ‘genius’ (I use this word loosely) virus writers make it so that no matter what icon or button you click on (even the close window button)… you are setting the virus free to ravage your computer. Yes, it’s lovely. Bravo to you oh mastermind-virus-computer-code-writer dude (or dudette)… you are so smart, cool and smooth. Oh how I wish I were as brilliant as you. You have really made something of yourself, haven’t you?

As I said, I was surfing this morning and it happened. This time I couldn’t even get to my task manager screen to “kill” the page. I had to push the power button and shut down ungracefully. It really irritated me too… I mean I got insanely mad. What’s really funny is I was searching for Serenity Prayer bookmarks… ha ha… that’s right, you know it… “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (like stupid hacker viruses), the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Ironic really, how my search for ‘serenity’ left me extremely pissed off! And, how intelligent of yet another super-smart computer virus mastermind to build an infectious site and mask it with the serenity prayer… again… Bravo. You have truly earned my passive-aggressive standing slow-clap for that!!

Instead of mumbling and cursing under my breath, I suppose it would probably be more productive for me to stop and say a prayer for the dude (or dudette) whose life is so empty and meaningless, whose path has somehow left them feeling so powerless in their own world that the only sense of accomplishment that can muster is to attempt to ruin other people’s hard work and personal memories. For I know without doubt that God, in fact, loves them just as much as He loves me. As hard as that is to accept... it is true. With that being said, please join me in this prayer…

Lord, I pray that You will find a way to work Your powerful magic in the lives of all the people who, for whatever reason, find it necessary to write harmful computer viruses and pass them on through the internet. I ask that You forgive them, for they are no different than me, a grand sinner who is unworthy or Your mercy and forgiveness. Teach them to use their brilliance in a more productive manner, for it is obvious You have created them with incredible talent. Give me patience and understanding of their plight and protect the unsuspecting from the viruses they plant. And for those of us who fall victim, show us through our loss what is truly important in this world. It isn’t JPGs, MP3s, DOCs, PPTs, or even PSDs (even the ones that took us 12 hours to create). It is You… and keeping You at the center of our lives… spreading Your goodness to others… even the virus-code-writing dude (or dudettes) of the world. I ask this in Your amazing name – Amen! P.S. Help me really mean this prayer.

Just Another Pop Song

I don’t usually listen to the radio much. It’s sad to admit this, but when I decide I have a favorite CD it is usually all I listen to for up to three months. Right now I’m on another Mercy Me kick. Before that, it was Casting Crowns and before that, it was Daughtry. It’s safe to say, I’m not too current when it comes to radio play.

The other day I was driving to a design meeting and got stuck in traffic. I decided to flip on the radio for a little something different. Luckily, there was a song playing instead of a commercial and it was a band I recognized. I hadn’t heard that particular song before but the pop artist was unmistakable. As I listened, I wondered if this singer/songwriter wrote his lyrics based on his own life experiences or did he just write them for the purpose of hitting a target audience and making money. As I pondered that, I realized that this particular singer always seemed to sing about the same topic. It seemed every few years, he came out with a new song in which he pleaded for forgiveness from his girlfriend. From there I wondered if he had maintained the same girlfriend through the years making a habit of breaking her heart and then begging for forgiveness over and over. Or was he more of a player who worked his way through several different girlfriends, with each song representing a mistake with a different girl.

I found myself being very judgmental as I thought through each scenario. If it was in fact the same girl over and over, I wondered when she might learn her lesson and dump him. How stupid was she to be so blinded by love to let a man continually hurt her over and over again. If there were multiple ladies, I wondered when he might learn his lesson and stop screwing up and having to write songs about it. Come on dude, take some responsibility for your actions and grow up! Of course there was that last option, he had just figured out a great hook to making money. I admonished him in my mind for lacking sincerity and praying upon the broken emotions of people going through traumatic relationship issues. Tisk, tisk! Shame on you Mr. Singer/Songwriter, whatever the back story was.

Just then, the Spirit came upon me and said, “Tisk, tisk, Wendy! You are no different!!!”

Offended, I answered back, “How do you figure?”

He showed me in a flash… how I am exactly the same, in a different kinda way.

Basically, I write the same song over and over again in my own life except with me, the song isn’t musical in nature… it is composed of words and whispers that flow from my mind in my prayer time. While my themes are quite similar to that of Mr. Singer/Songwriter (the desire for forgiveness) my target audience isn’t the general public or an estranged lover, it is my one and only Father in Heaven.

Yes, I’m that idiot that keeps making the same mistakes over and over and over then has to “write a song about it” to beg for forgiveness from the love of my life, Jesus Christ. Yes, He is blinded by His love for me but I would never want to call Him stupid for that. I realize how blessed I am to have such a patient and loving God who will never dump me over my mistakes, no matter how many times I repeat them. You'd think I'd learn my lesson... and stop screwing up, but I just keep making a mess of things. My sincerity gets muddled from singing the same song over and over. Some days I find myself half-heartedly lip-syncing a remake just to try something different. Later, I look back and I feel like a total fraud and wonder why He stood up and gave me that standing ovation anyway. From an outsiders view (the person sitting in traffic, listening to the radio), it certainly looks like I keep screwing up because I know He will always forgive me... I ask, am I abusing His unending love for me??? I don't think I am, not on purpose anyway. Oh how I am blessed to have a God who can listen to my song even on my worst performance days and still know what’s in my heart.

It amazes me that my cry for forgiveness is always going to be music to His ears… in fact… right now He is eagerly awaiting my next release with bated breathe. I think it’s time to compose…