How'd That Happen so Fast????

It is hard for me to believe where I am right now… Wisconsin. I am sitting at my computer in our new basement trying to figure out where to start with the story of how I got here. I guess I should go back to the beginning…

It was November 2010… Thanksgiving Day to be exact. We had lived in Texas for about 8 years and the few Thanksgivings we had spent at home were kind of sad. Just Ryan, Brett and I trying to make ourselves feel like it was a holiday. Without family around, that was hard. But in 2010, we were invited to join two very special families for food and celebration of the holiday. We jumped at the chance to surround ourselves with others, hoping it would at least feel a little more like a family holiday. It ended up being one of the most wonderful Thanksgivings of my life and I am indeed grateful for those wonderful people – and for their invitation to include us. There were 9 kids and 9 adults there that day and it was FUN!

That night when we got home, life felt a bit empty. There we were in this nice house with only one child and a feeling came over us… it was as if God had said, “There is more I want from you Ryan and Wendy. It’s time to step out of your comfort zone and into My will for you.” We struggled in prayer over what His will was for us and finally thought we got it figured out… God wanted us to share our blessings and love with another child that was not our own. God wanted us to be Foster parents. It was a scary, huge step but we embraced it and moved forward. We picked an agency and began all the paperwork, prep work and classes it takes to become foster parents.

In January 2011, I began to have some health problems. I lost 40 pounds in a very short amount of time and I was unable to keep food in my system. I was tired and grumpy but unable to sleep. I had headaches and tummy problems that wrecked havoc on my everyday life. Doctor after doctor did test after test with no answers as to what was wrong. There were lots of theories, but no real answers. Only trial and error and nothing seemed to be working. As my health faded, we decided to put a hold on our plans to become Foster parents. There was no way I could take care of another child in my condition.

In June, answers finally started to come… we discovered that I have celiac disease which is basically an allergy to wheat, barley and rye… gluten. Luckily, my allergy to gluten isn’t as severe it could be, but it is still very important for me to steer as clear of it as possible. Weeks after I deleted gluten from my diet, I finally began to feel better. My body began to heal slowly but I was still severely underweight. The challenge then became to figure out how to gain weight on a Gluten free diet… no small task. As a result of this health issue, I actually learned how to properly care for my body. Eating had never been a priority for me before. I rarely ate 3 meals a day and when I did eat, I would eat less than healthy foods. Having to watch all food intake and try to gain weight made me really learn to give my body what it needs. I have always cared too much what others say about me and perhaps God was using this as a way to try and break me from that. So, when the rumor that I was “anorexic” blew by me, I was disgusted, especially since I had been feeding my body better than I ever had in my whole life. I had to separate myself from some other unhealthy things, and work on relying solely on what God thinks of me instead of what others think. I don’t know if I will ever fully be able to do that, but I am getting better at it.

As my health began to improve, Ryan and I re-visited our plans to foster. To both of our great surprise, it no longer “felt” right. In fact, it felt really wrong and against what God wanted for us. Personally, I was very disappointed and ashamed when we made the final decision not to pursue fostering. I felt selfish and as if I had left yet another “idea” in my life unfinished. I was embarrassed I had told some people about our plans and now, we were going to have to tell them we weren’t doing it. Mostly, I was confused over my understanding of God’s desire for me. I felt so sure He wanted us to foster… and then for Him to turn around and say “No” made me question everything about the way I hear God. How could I have gotten it so wrong? Or worse, why did God change His mind? Were we not “good” enough to do the job? Luckily I have some very wise ladies in my life who were there for me and helped my make peace with those feelings. I wasn’t sure what exactly had happened between my understanding and God’s will, but I kept trying to hear Him correctly.

Ryan and I still felt like God was telling us we were supposed to provide care for a child that was not our own. Our next thought was that He meant for us to adopt. Excited, we looked into that as our next option. Quickly we discovered, we did not have the money we would need for adoption and soon we felt that door shut as God said, “Nope… that is not My plan for you either.” Ugh. I had been so restless about figuring out what God wanted and it seemed no matter what I did, He was saying no. It was frustrating! I finally just threw in the towel and said, “Hey God, when You’re ready to let me know Your plan for me just tell me… I’m gonna stop hunting for it!” That sounds so funny to me, as if it ever matter for one second that I was hunting for it. God’s timing is perfect and I should have been trusting Him all along to make His plan apparent to me instead of worrying about missing it.

In August, I took a weekend trip up to Janesville, Wisconsin for Ryan’s sister’s baby shower. I consider her one of my best friends and was so glad to be able to be part of her special day. Her first baby was due at the end of October! It was a quick trip, but a meaningful one. I got to spend some special time with both my sister-in-laws and I felt like we all really bonded. The shower was wonderful, the food was great and a friend of the family ended up stopping by unexpectedly… Chuck always has the best timing! It was Saturday afternoon after the shower and we were all sitting on the deck enjoying the sun and Chuck asked the mom-to-be, Marissa, what her child care plans were once the baby was here. He asked if she was going to be staying at home or going back to work… to be honest it was one of those side conversations that I wasn’t even part of, I just happened to be overhearing it. As I listened to the discussion unfold between Marissa and Chuck I heard God’s voice in my head as clear as a bell… “That is the child. You. Daycare.” I kind of chuckled at God, having to remind Him that I lived in Texas, not Wisconsin. If I was going to watch Marissa and Richard’s baby – that was gonna be a tough commute. God laughed back at me and said, “Move.” I was stunned in that moment… didn’t God know how much I hate cold weather? I’m pretty sure He did, perhaps He didn’t care. I bet if there had been a picture of my face at that very moment… it would be priceless. I thought of little else besides God’s words to me in the days that followed. I arrived home to Texas on Sunday night and Monday afternoon at lunch, I asked my husband what he would think about moving back to his hometown of Janesville, WI.

As they say, the rest is history. At the end of August we had our agents out to the house to tell us what kinds of updates we needed. We did the updates in 2 weeks, we listed our house, we had an offer in 8 days, we accepted in 10 days. We went on a house hunting trip a week later, looked at 12 house, picked one and made an offer, got accepted and came home to pack. October 31st we closed in Texas, November 1st and 2nd we drove to Wisconsin, November 4th we closed and moved into our new home.

So, the answer to "How'd that happen so fast?" is very clear... God. Only He could have orchestrated a move such as this. And one of the most beautiful things that happened was that little Grace Olivia was born unexpectedly while we were in Janesville for our house hunting trip. We got to meet her before we headed back to Texas to pack up. The minute I held her, I knew 100% for certain God had me right where He wanted me. Yep, God doesn’t need me to hunt for His will, He just needs me to do my best to listen and wait for it. In addition, God won’t let me make a huge mistake when I misunderstand Him (like fostering or adopting) because He has His ways of re-directing me. When a door closes, He is merely guiding me towards another door that is already open but not yet in my view. And, thanks God for sending down a tangible reminder of Your awesome "Grace"!

I Was Wrong

The day I graduated from high school was one of the happiest days of my life. I don’t think I had ever felt that kind of joy. I hated those years and for some reason, I just never thought I would make it to graduation. It’s not that I thought I would flunk out or that I wouldn’t be alive… it was that I didn’t think high school would ever end. I never thought it was going to happen, but I was wrong…it did. Thank the LORD! I do still have a recurring nightmare occasionally and it is about being back in high school. I usually wake up in a cold sweat.

I never thought I would ever have a healthy relationship with a good guy who treated me well. I just didn’t think that was in the cards for me. Back then, I guess I didn’t think I deserved to be treated well and I’m sure it didn’t help that I had an assumption that every relationship I was in was going to fail. Basically, I thought every guy who was willing to spend time with me was doing me some sort of favor and it was only a matter of time before he realized he was too good for me. Real love would never happen for me. I was wrong though, God crossed mine and Ryan's paths in 2001.

I never thought I would ever get addicted to alcohol. In fact, right before I became the most active in my drinking, I decided I hated alcoholics… all of them. I thought not being able to stop drinking was an excuse. I didn’t believe alcoholism was a real thing and I surely didn’t think it was anything that could ever happen to me. I was never going to fall victim to another supposed alcoholic’s issues. I was wrong… I fell victim to myself, a gallon a day alcoholic who realized in 2007 I couldn’t stop, even though I wanted to.

I never thought I would ever have a book published with my name on it, but I was wrong. It turns out that anyone can get their name published on a book if they have enough money, regardless of talent. After realizing what a bad writer I was, I never thought I’d be able to write well. I thought my desire to be a writer was just a dream, another thing I would never accomplish. I was wrong… as soon as I let God start driving my writing … my writing improved and now, I’m pretty good at it (even though I’m a terrible speller and suck at grammar).

I never thought I would ever be a good enough artist to have anyone use my work for anything important. I flunked art school, mostly because I stopped going to class. But I stopped going to class because nothing I did was ever good enough for my teachers. I’d never succeed, I sucked. Little did I know, I was wrong about that too. In 2008, God gave me the opportunity to do digital graphics for Him in a modern church environment. I did this for two whole years. He also connected me to a professor who asked me to do some artwork that ended up being published in a college text book.

I never thought I would be able to stand in front of a group of people without being completely self conscious and on the verge of peeing my pants. When I was in school, I dreaded giving oral reports. One of the classes I flunked in art school was art history and I stopped attending because I was required to stand up in front of the class and give a speech. I knew I could never do that. I was wrong… I was the guest speaker at a women’s retreat in October 2010. I have spoken in front of many, many groups since 2008 and haven’t pee’d my pants yet (almost though). Just yesterday I stood in front of over 50 people and shared a 25 minute lesson about how we can give to others the way God desires us to. I’m going to stand in front of a group next week and share my personal testimony. I love being up front and it turns out, God has given me an incredible gift for it. Who would have ever guessed?

I never thought I’d get married, never thought I’d own a home, never thought I’d be pregnant, never thought I’d have a child, never thought I’d have good friends, never thought I’d go to Grand Cayman, never thought I’d live overseas, never thought I’d become a Bible thumper, never thought I’d be able to forgive my ex-fiancé, never thought I’d pay-off my car, never thought I’d be a good sponsor, never thought I’d swim with dolphins or stingrays, never thought I’d enjoy reading to a class of Kindergarteners, never thought I’d enjoy eating fish, never thought I’d have arthritis, never thought I’d believe I’m beautiful, never thought I’d weigh less than I did in high school, never thought I’d have more than 600 Pez dispensers in my collection, never thought I’d be able to accept God’s love and grace… but…

I was wrong. All those things have happened.

We moved to Texas in January of 2003. I was so glad to leave the cold weather of Delaware behind. We had a really bad winter on the east coast that year and because I worked as a payroll tax accountant, I didn’t have a choice about going to work or not on really bad weather days. People still needed to get paid, even when it snowed. Getting to work was such a hassle on those days, especially since the little town I lived in didn’t plow the streets. My Mazda Protégé had a really hard time getting over 4 feet of snow… and my stress level was out of this world. Once in Texas, I vowed I would never live in a cold winter weather environment again… never. My husband is from Wisconsin, so the cold didn’t bother him, but the heat doesn’t bother him either. He never complains. I knew I would never get tired of Texas weather, it was perfect! Hot, hot, hot… one day of fall, one day of winter and then right back to hot. PERFECT!

My husband (did I mention that he never complains), began complaining the summer of 2010. I think it was the day he got in his car after a long day of work and the interior of the car was so hot that the rearview mirror came unglued and dropped to the floor. Now that is hot… and he came home disgusted.

The summer of 2011 has been a beating for most of us Texans. I never thought I’d enjoy being in the 104-106 degree heat working in the yard all day everyday, but I was wrong… I did it all summer. I never thought I’d have that kind of endurance or be able or even willing to work so hard at manual labor but again, I was wrong. It turns out, I’m a good little worker bee and I can push myself really hard when I want or need to. I never thought I could be tough, but I was wrong, with God’s help, I can.

You’d think by now I would know that "never" is a word I should delete from my vocabulary but yesterday, something I never thought would happen, happened. Our beautiful home in Bedford, Texas that we love and adore went up for sale. I cried when I looked out the window and saw the “For Sale” sign out there. We are attempting to sell our home so we can do something I swore I would never do… we are planning to move to Wisconsin. Can you say cold winter weather environment? I guess I was wrong again!  God had actually laid it on my heart long ago, but I didn’t want to face it. But as with all things, God’s voice gets louder and louder the more we try to ignore Him. All these things began happening in our lives and God’s will for us to move seemed undeniable to me. Finally, it came out of my mouth. Ryan almost fell out of his chair when I asked him how he would feel about us moving back to his hometown. He has wanted to go back, but has always very graciously accepted the fact that I would never be willing to live someplace cold.

There are only two things holding me here… our church family who I love more than words can say and the Celebrate Recovery group that I am a part of in my area. If it weren’t for those two things… leaving would be so much easier. I have developed some really great relationships in the last year as a result of those two things and if I’m right, and it’s God’s plan for us to move… it’s going to be really hard to say goodbye. Looking back, I can see how God has been preparing me for this for quite some time. Looking forward I know He will give me exactly what I need to fulfill His desire for me and my family. If that includes Wisconsin, I’m confident He will make sure I have a heavy enough coat.

It’s in God’s hands now, the house is fixed up, the price is set and we have our first showing scheduled bright and early tomorrow morning. I suppose I better get off the computer and go wipe the doggie nose prints off the front windows. I guess the moral of the story is this… when God’s involved….never say never.

My Experience on "The Journey"

I went to a special event on Good Friday called “The Journey.” It was a self-paced walk through the last days and hours of Jesus. There were 12 different stations… and it was AMAZINGLY touching. I helped put it together, but I wanted to experience it… just like everyone else did. When I embarked on “the Journey” I had no idea how long it would take… 10 minutes? A half hour??? Well, I didn’t keep track of the time but I will say this… I was in there a LONG time yet it felt like a flash. I want to take you on my journey…

Station One: Listening

I entered the room where a television sat spewing a loud, obnoxious static-filled screen. I sat down… and starred at it. My guide booklet told me the world is filled with noise, so I needed to try to drown it out. When I was ready… I turned the television off. I prayed that God would quiet my soul and allow me to absorb the experience. I asked Him to erase my prior knowledge of the set up… so that I could see it with fresh eyes.

(The rest of the stations were dimly lit and very quiet… moving music played in the background that rose and fell with cathartic whispers at just the right time.)

Station Two: Becoming

Jesus was really human. I could hear His heartbeat… I mentally pictured Him as a modern day baby who had His diaper changed by His loving mother. I pictured Him playing with trains or kicking a soccer ball around. It hit me… He was just like me in flesh. He needed to eat to thrive, He felt pain when He fell and scraped His knee on the playground, He dealt with friends who loved Him one minute then stabbed Him in the back the next. He knew all about sibling rivalry and what it was like to have to listen to His mommy and daddy. He knew exactly what I felt like in every stage of my life. I was humbled by what an incredible gift that alone was, that God gave us a Savior that really truly knew us.

Station Three: Worshiping

I dipped a cotton swap in fragrant oil. I don’t know what the smell was, but it was nice. I sat and absorbed the experience, just as the cotton was soaked in the oil. To my great surprise, I began to sob. Why? As I read about how Mary poured out her most prized possession on Jesus’ feet, I realized how selfish I am with what I give Jesus. Lately, I’ve been stingy. Lately, I’ve been blocked. Lately, I’ve felt far away. I apologized to Him… and asked that He enlighten me as to how I can correct this. I told Him I want to give Him my best and stop saving just my scraps for Him. I cried for a long while.

Station Four: Sharing

Communion was offered here. I took it but I have to be honest… I didn’t feel forgiven of my sins in that moment. I know that was self imposed though. When God forgives… he does it fully. When I attempt to do something… it’s never fully. The guide booklet told me about how Jesus chose to be with His disciples in His last evening. It reminded me that I am not alone on my journey, ever. I felt alone though, God seemed far away.

Station Five: Trusting

Jesus went to the garden to pray. He was deeply grieved and asked God if there was any way out of this horrible end… He stopped Himself and said, “No… not what I want… but what You want Father!” Jesus traded His dreams for the dream of His Father. What a sacrifice! His life… for mine. I have a hard time just putting down the M&M bag.

Station Six: Allowing

I felt a rope, a rope that may have been similar to one used to bind Jesus when he was arrested. I imagined Him holding out his hands willingly when it was time. There was no fight… He allowed them to take him. He allowed His future to unfold without pause. There were chairs there… but I went to my knees instead. How many times have I kicked and screamed and fought against what I knew was right? What’s ironic is those things that I went after, the things I fought against my Father to get, were the things that ended up binding me tighter than a rope like that could have ever held me. I’ve used the phrase “freedom through surrender” many times since I have found sobriety, but it was at this station that I realized, Jesus set me free through His surrender.

Station Seven: Humiliating

This grungy, painful station was rough. A slow, old-time, crooked, silent movie of the taunting faces of the guards played over and over. A real crown of thorns was showcased… it was brutal. I thought about my childhood and how I was taunted and teased by my peers. I allowed those memories to come fresh in my mind and I realized they were nothing in comparison to what Jesus endured. In fact, my history of “crap” was a cake walk. My daily aches and pains, my frustrations with the world and the people in it are silly. In fact, I deserve every little bit of it. I deserve worse. I felt my load lighten… I felt I was finally letting the last bit of it go. Jesus endured torture and beating for me, it’s like spitting at him myself when I allow little insignificant things hurt me so deeply… He did that for me so I wouldn’t have to.

Station Eight: Inviting

Here I was invited to be like Simon of Cyrene, and take on the burden of Jesus’ cross for the remainder of His journey to crucifixion. I looked in the giant cross of mirrors and saw my face looking back at me. I didn’t recognize myself… I really didn’t. Who am I? I asked myself if I could have carried the cross for Jesus that day – would I have? I think I would have tried my hardest. I love Jesus, and I am so thankful for what He did for me. I get a chance to carry that burden every day… and I do some of it, and I get too comfortable with what I do thinking that is enough. I think to myself that I do more than the average person so God is proud of me. I am too proud of myself. I can do so much more, so much better. I was reminded that “His yoke is easy and his burden is light” and I asked Him to let me carry more. I realized I am ready for a heavier cross, Lord… I’m stagnant with the one I have. I don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Station Nine: Forgiving

After sitting and contemplating for a long while, I wrote my biggest sin on a piece of paper and I physically nailed my sin to the cross.

Station Ten: Dying

I picked a candle and watched the flame flicker. It dances around illuminating its area with joy. It was alive to me. It was breathing… air, oxygen, carbon dioxide were exchanging glances. My job… no I don’t really want to do this… do I have to? But I don’t want to be responsible for this… I don’t want to face the truth. After some procrastination I went ahead and did it. Using the snuffer… I deprived the flame of what it needed to exist and it died right in front of me. As the smoke lifted from the once-lit wick, I imagined the life and spirit of Jesus floating away… just like that. As much as I don’t like it, I am responsible.

Station Eleven: Closing

I felt pretty strong when I got here. In fact, I sort of felt like I was too strong, like I hadn’t been moved enough by this whole experience. I wondered if there was something wrong with me??? Why hadn’t I been crying like a baby… why hadn’t I been more emotional? I knew there was only one station after this one and I wondered if I was going to miss out on a defining moment??? I was sure this station wasn’t going to do it for me so I felt slightly disappointed in myself. I turned to my guide booklet and began to read. There was a question toward the end… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” I paused. I read it again… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” Tears began to flow from my eyes uncontrollably… “yes… yes I have felt that way. I feel that way right now, God. My faith is at a dead end… why is it not going anywhere??? Why does God feel so far from me???” I cried and cried as I thought this over. It is safe to say… that defining moment I was wondering about… happened.

Station Twelve: Transitioning

The last station was simple, just a place to sit or kneel and contemplate the journey I had just taken. Matthew 16:24 was the first thing written in the guide:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I have to admit, I didn’t really read beyond that because as I read… four words jumped off the page at me. I knelt and repeated them over and over in my mind knowing God was telling me something.

…he must deny himself… he must deny himself… he must deny himself…

The guide booklet said that even though this was the last station, the journey wasn’t really over. Whenever I read something like that, I have to say I am cynical. I was cynical in that moment. I got up and headed out the door to resume my “helping” duties for the night.


So that was Friday night. Saturday was pretty normal. We went to a pancake breakfast and a wonderful Easter egg hunt that managed to make Easter about Jesus and not candy or bunnies or eggs. We had a fabulous time as a family! Later, we did yard work, ate dinner and watched 24 on DVR… normal stuff. All day I sort of had this strange feeling that I was missing something though, I was content but I felt like something was blowing right passed me.

As I got ready for bed I started to go through the journey I had been on Friday night in my head. I thought about the things that had moved me and reached out to me. I realized I still had that feeling of separation from God, and it hurt. I guess that’s one of those things that can be bittersweet. Knowing the joy of what it feels like to be right next to God in nearly all I do, only leaves me painfully longing to have it back when I’m away for too long. Out of nowhere, I recalled something else. A few months ago I did a “bucket list” and posted it as an article. In that, God revealed to me that the manuscript I’ve been writing for Him for over a year now seemed to clearly be the current mission God has for me. In a flash I realized I hadn’t thought about writing or studying on that in a long while. In fact, I somehow had just… abandoned it for a time. Had I REALLY forgotten about it that easily? I had to admit, yes, it had been the farthest thing from my mind. I remembered a distraction that came into my life that aided in my “forgetfulness” of the manuscript but I had gotten rid of that distraction completely… weeks ago. Since then… I have no idea what was keeping me from moving forward. I had a “Duh” moment… Hmmm… I was feeling far away from God… while the farthest thing from my mind was the work He seemed to have charged me to do for Him. Could this be a… coincidence??? I think not. Duh!!!!

I am humbly reminded that one of the initial steps to getting close to God is figuring out what it is He wants me to do. The next logical step after that is to actually do it. I think a lot of us walk through life having no clue what God’s purpose for our life is, but make no mistake… He had a specific purpose in mind when He created every single one of us. If you are wondering what yours could be… the first step is uncovering your God given spiritual gifts. I encourage you to take a class that will help you find out what yours are. If you need help finding resources… talk to your pastor or a leader in your church, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

As for me, it’s time to refocus. It’s time to anoint God with my best perfume instead of the tester tube I got free the last time I walked through JC Penneys. It’s time to deny myself of the things I think are important and pick up that cross… always remembering His burden is light and His yoke is easy. The cool thing for me is that I love to write this manuscript so it’s not like it is even a sacrifice to do what He is asking of me. I’ll bet that when I actually pick up that cross I will find that I will be closer to Him, closer than ever and that is exciting! This cynic recognizes my journey is continuing… and I can’t wait to get started again!

I want to thank Dustin Bauerle not only for incepting this idea at COH but for asking me to be part of it. I'd also like to thank the leadership at Commiunity of Hope FUMC in Mansfield, TX for encouraging events like these. Lives were changed!