Beaten Isn't the Reas'n

Humility… something all of us humans are supposed to strive for. When I first entered recovery, I was told I needed to find some humility. At first I was totally offended. I was confused because I really thought I already had humility. After all, I knew I was one of the lowest life forms on the planet. I knew that everyone was better than me. I knew there was no way God could ever forgive my sins – they were too big, too bad and too unforgivable. I felt I already was as humble as I could get – in fact, I wondered if perhaps I was a little bit too humble. I had been told my whole life I was supposed to be humble, but I had also been told that to truly love someone else I needed to first love myself. I was so humble that I didn’t love myself at all.

Sobriety has taught me many things about humility and as it turned out… I had a horribly misconstrued conception of what humility was. Whenever I thought about the picture of humility, I saw Jesus. But the picture of Jesus that I would see wasn’t of Him teaching others, or healing people, or praying… it was the picture of Jesus being tortured and beaten – bloody from head to toe at the hand of his accusers as He prepared to be nailed to the cross. Yes, Jesus was the perfect picture of humility and He let people beat the crap out of Him, even though He didn’t deserve it at all.

So it only made sense; being beaten = humility. I think there might be a lot of us walking around this world thinking the very same thing. We think being humble means we are supposed to be, act or feel lower than the people around us. We think we are supposed to sacrifice our own natural desires and needs in a grand act of martyr-ism so we can come out on the other end feeling like the humble hero. But… what ends up happening, is we feel used and abused by others and we get angry for not being appreciated.

For me, I would wonder, “if humility is so great… why do I feel so insignificant and powerless when it’s all said and done?” I would then turn back to my thoughts of Jesus and how He didn’t complain about being beaten. I’d think, “Buck up camper… Jesus did it and His situation was so much worse! I just need to try harder to be humble and just accept that it sucks without complaining.” In my inability to accept the suck-i-ness, I would feel like a disappointment to God and become overwhelmed with a feeling of selfishness… and I’d beat myself up for my failure. My anger then extended outwards to others for not noticing my pain or appreciating my so-called sacrifices. That anger grew and grew… and the cycle continued.

One day, I was at an AA meeting complaining about the cycle I just explained. A gentleman came up to me privately after the meeting and told me I had it all wrong. He said I wasn’t being humble at all…he went on to tell me I was being extremely selfish. It has taken me a long time to understand what he meant… but I’m finally getting it… and he was right. I have never been humble… I have always been selfish.

Humility isn’t about making myself lowly. It isn’t about being a martyr. It’s not about being beaten by myself or others. Humility is not about powerlessness… in fact, humility is the most powerful trait anyone can possess. That’s right… to be humble is to be full of power. Humility is pure power… but… it is power under control.

Go back to that picture of Jesus I shared with you. He was sacrificing himself, giving His blood for our freedom. He was being beaten and taunted. He was in physical pain we can not even imagine but… His sacrifice, His spilled blood, His pulsing wounds, His emotional torment was NOT why He was humble. He was humble because He, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords contained within Himself the power to stop what was happening to Him. He could have broken free and whooped some major butt at any given time but instead… He kept His power contained and under control. He knew who He was, He knew what His purpose was, He knew what God wanted from Him and He knew why it was so important… He was confident, He was powerful and… His control of those things was what made Him humble.

Those who successfully find true humility know who they are. They are confident in who God has made them to be (and they know the growth must continue… it is not a destination). They know their mission, their purpose and they aren’t looking to be a martyr or to be appreciated. They do what they do out of obedience to God because they know He has an important reason for sending them down a certain path. They are full of God’s power… but they hold it deeply in their soul, with delicate and definite control. I’m sure for them, humility comes and goes, for it wouldn’t be in our nature at all to have it together all the time. That’s why I believe humility can only be accomplished with the help of God. Maybe one day I will actually get to feel what humility truly is… but for now, I’m just working towards it. And I am so very glad to finally understand that I don’t have to be lowly, powerless, beaten or unappreciated to be on the pathway to humility.

Choose To Be Awesome

“I didn’t mean for this to happen! It just happened. I am so sorry,” or “I don’t know how this happened… it was totally out of my control.” Ever heard one of those before? Or perhaps you have been the one to say it. In my freshman year of high school, I had this "best" friend who said that to me almost once a week. I remember really liking a boy that my friend also liked. I began dating him but it wasn’t long before she said it to me… “I didn’t mean for this to happen… but it just happened. It was out of my control.” I was crushed. But if I am going to be honest, I’ve been the one to utter a similar phrase as well, many times. Here’s the crazy thing – when I was the one saying it, it seemed so true. But when I was the one hearing it, it sounded like the biggest bunch of bull-caca ever articulated.

It has taken me years to fully understand that for the most part the phrase, “I didn’t mean for it to happen, it just happened” is in fact a bunch of crap. Nearly everything we do in life happens as a result of multiple tiny decisions. Some times the decisions are so small that we don’t even see them as decisions at all. Take for example an affair, you don’t just wake up one morning and BAM! find yourself in an affair you weren’t in the day before. It’s a series of small decisions that lead you there. First it’s to talk to someone. Then it’s the decision to continue talking to them knowing you are attracted to them. Then it’s to think about the person in a way you know you shouldn’t think about them. Then it’s to continue both, talking and thinking, even though you know better. Next it’s to rationalize “we’re just going to coffee as friends, what could happen?” Then the decision to keep a secret… then another. Phone calls, texts, perhaps a secret meeting in a closet or hotel room… before you know it, “I didn’t mean for this to happen, it just happened! I am so sorry!” comes rushing out of your mouth. LIAR!!!! The truth is you had choices and you chose badly. I’m not saying it’s easy to reject these things, I’m just saying that we need to call a spade a spade and say… bad choices…. period. Of course this isn’t true for everything, some things in life do just happen… but an awful lot of them don’t. It takes intentional thought way in advance to prevent these things from cropping up in our lives. We really have to be on our toes since the devil loves to keep us blinded to all our minuscule decisions. But an affair always begins with an innocent, “Hello.” A decision doesn’t get smaller than that.

I was discussing this very thing with a friend and she said something I really loved… she told me that just like small decisions lead us to make big mistakes… small decisions are also what lead us to wonderful victories. I had never ever thought of it that way before. I remember back when I was beginning to repair my life after coming to terms with my alcoholism. I wanted to change… overnight! I wanted people to see me differently just because I had made the big decision to be sober. Well, it didn’t work that way and there were times I got really bummed out. I couldn’t understand why some people just saw me as a screw up no matter what I did. I really thought I could do one really awesome thing and all of a sudden become an awesome person. I’m sure that works for some people in ways, they can be seen as an awesome person for a few hours by doing something big, but the question is, is it real??? I think the best way to awesomeness is to make a bunch of really awesome small decisions over time. The choice to smile… the choice to be kind… the choice to help the old lady at the grocery store… the choice to listen to a friend even though you don’t have time… the choice to pick up a piece of trash… the choice to give your extra dollar away instead of buying a pack of gum… the choice to give your sandwich to a homeless man at the park and stay hungry for a few more hours… the choice to not yell at the annoying dog… the choice of patience when you have none left… the choice to commit 5 minutes to God instead of doing the dishes. Eventually these small choices will become who you are and lets be honest… what could be more awesome than being that person? Now that is the person I really want to be and I am happy to say, with the knowledge that it’s the small decisions that really matter… I realize I have begun to truly transform. I don’t need to give a million dollars to a university… I just want to be nice.

So, I'm not gonna lie to my friends, family and acquaintances anymore. I'm not gonna lie to myself by saying “I didn’t mean for this to happen… it just happened” or “I don’t know how this happened… it was totally out of my control.” I'm facing the truth, I'm going to be aware of my small decisions… and I'm going to choose to be awesome.

The Judgmental, Controlling Hypocrite

The word hypocrite is one of those words we Christians throw around without much thought. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it’s kind of hypocritical of us to point at others with this word. Well, it is… I mean really!!! I know the reason I have devoted my life to Christ and Christianity is because I myself am a grand sinner. Sometimes, my devotion to Christ and helping others makes me see myself as a hypocrite. What right do I have to talk about anything having to do with Jesus, God, righteous living, church, or redemption when I myself fail at my attempts to fight sin every day?

I admit it, I have called other people hypocrites too… which is really wrong! When I shout, “Hypocrite!” what I’m really shouting is, “I’m a judgmental piece of crap that thinks I’m better than you!!!!” Even my four year old can read between those lines, even if he doesn’t truly understand it right then. He knows. I realize the only person I have any right to accuse of hypocrisy is myself. But before I commit to calling myself names, I’m drawn to understand this concept a little bit better.

What does this overused word “hypocrite” actually mean? According to Webster’s Pocket Dictionary it means “one who pretends to have virtue, feeling, etc, that he or she does not have.”

Hmmm… the word “pretend” strikes me. When it comes to the things I feel hypocritical about, I don’t think it is a matter of “pretending”, I think it is a matter of self control. I openly admit I have zero self control, so I must rely on God to give me God-guided-self-control. I want to set a good example in my words and deeds, be more like Jesus than the day before but it is hard. I know I’ll never fully succeed… but it’s the attempt that matters, right? Sure, I fail at this walking like Jesus thing every day. But I don’t feel as though my failure means I am pretending, for it truly is my heart's desire to make God happy. No part of it is an act.

I’ve been accused of being too transparent with my life. I’ve been asked, “Why do you tell people so much? Is it really necessary??” Some people think it’s egotistical or narcissistic of me, like I think others really care about what I’m doing. Some people think it’s because I want to brag about the stuff I think I do right… ha ha… that one is funny considering there isn’t much I think I do correctly (other than being transparent about my mistakes and failures, see the irony???). The truth is that I’m transparent with others about my failures because of this Bible verse: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed” James 5:16

Right now I realize, transparency is what takes me out of hypocrisy. Transparency is what makes me real… and it shows the world I am not pretending to be something I’m not. I try, I fail, I tell the WHOLE story without pretending or leaving the part that makes me look like an idiot out. Every spiritual success I have had has been riddled with multiple spiritual failures. Ultimately, the glory for every one of my successes goes to God, because not one part of me is good without Him. Even my ability to be transparent is owed to Him, for without Him I’d be too full of controlling pride to be honest.

I’ve really been struggling with my control issues in the last months. When I first went through the 12 step program several years ago, I was in so much pain from the big, empty, God-shaped hole in my soul that I was willing to do whatever it took to feel better. My alcoholism gave me something very specific to work on. I had to stop drinking! It was a very defined task… a goal. I soon realized that the only way I could successfully stop drinking was to give control over to God. I couldn’t and didn't do it on my own.

I don’t drink anymore, and rarely have the inkling but recognize that it is a day to day thing that could be taken away in the snap of a finger if I decide to take control of that back from God. Even still, I have somehow found myself sort of back at square one… having to learn how to relinquish control of my life as a whole to God again. I’ve been frustrated and disconnected. I haven’t been able to focus or pause. In short, I guess I haven’t felt the serenity I once had and I know it’s because I’m trying to run my own universe again. Running the universe is an impossible task for me, so no wonder I’m frustrated! Turning control over to God is really hard this time because I don’t have a specific task to focus on… like quitting booze. The best way to define my task this time around is to say I need to stop trying to control my need for control... and how the heck do I even begin to do an oxy-moronic thing like that?

I think a part of what got me back here is a burden I put on myself when I decided to take God's lead and try to help others with my experiences. That burden is linked to my misguided interpretation of hypocrisy. I realized this morning that I felt like a total hypocrite. I talk to those around me about how important it is to let God have control of our lives but here I am not allowing Him control of my own. I was lead to my computer by the Spirit to write this so here I am making self discoveries through Him. I realize, I am not a hypocrite… I am just a human being who is struggling. Just because I make the choice to try and help others… doesn’t mean I have to be perfect. I think I’ve allowed my failures to cause shame… thus the feeling of hypocrisy. Yes, I believe and openly say to others, “The best way to live life is to let God be in control.” Yes, I admit I struggle at attaining it. I am not pretending… I openly admit I will always struggle at attaining it, I’m not Jesus. I am not God. Is it a coincidence that the “first step” is to admit that I am not God and I can not control my life or tendencies to do wrong???? I think not.

In this very moment, I have a great understanding of “Happy are those who are poor in spirit.”

I am certainly spiritually poor right now… but I am happy! I feel freedom from the constraints and shame that the feeling of hypocrisy has brought to me. I feel like I’m on the right track to giving up my need to control my need for control. Oh how complicated… yet the answer is simple, give it to God.

I am also struck with the idea that God is giving me a great opportunity in this struggle… He is giving me an opportunity to experience a different type of relinquishing of control… the really hard kind; the kind that those who are not alcoholics or addicts have to face. I am thankful for this opportunity, even though it’s really uncomfortable and difficult. I have faith that this struggle will open up a whole new set of experiences I can use to share with a whole new set of people in need. God never gives us more than we can handle, and God never wastes a hurt or struggle.

I vow to never call anyone a hypocrite ever again, and that includes me.

Windows and Doors

I live in a great house! It is perfect for us as a family and it was exactly what we wanted when we shopped around a few years ago. It was built in the early 80’s and is in a neighborhood that didn’t plow down all the trees when they decided to build. In fact, our back deck was built around several trees which are not only beautiful and interesting, they also provide shade so we can actually enjoy our deck in the summer without frying. Yes, I love our house.

I read something last week that made me ask myself a question… would I like my house as much as I do now if the windows and doors were blown out? It didn’t take long for me to come up with my answer… hmmmm… probably not.

Without windows and doors my house would be a free-for-all for the elements. Imagine how the heat and humidity of a Texas summer would mess up my daily comfort level. And what about the rain, the carpet would get soaked, the walls would get dampened and before long mold would be everywhere. Dust and pollen would quickly coat all my belongings no matter how often I cleaned. I’d probably just give up trying to keep everything clean. The wind could just blow in freely whenever it felt like it. Whether it be a warm gentle breeze or a frigid bluster, it would be impossible to keep things in place, right where I wanted them. And what about the animals? My husband would have a coronary if he found a squirrel trespassing to chew on the cord to his 56 inch HD television. Little 4 year old Brett wouldn’t like sharing his toys with the neighborhood dogs who would no doubt come in and chew up anything with a squeaker in it. And what if a skunk came to visit? I mean it’s bad enough when one gets run over by a car 5 miles away, imagine if one lifted its tail for a spray in my bedroom? Oh my… no I probably wouldn’t like my house much at all. In fact, I’d probably be trying to sell it as quickly as possible but I don’t know who in the world would be willing to buy such a house.

When my house was built, it was done with great care. The people who put it together did it themselves and it is obvious they had a dream in mind as they pieced it together. They left the blueprints behind and all the extra materials needed to for fix-me-ups. It seems they thought of everything as they constructed this place, from the way the landscape drains rain water perfectly around the house to the perfect placement of each and every light switch. Yes, this house was someone’s dream home. It was built with purpose, great attention to detail and no doubt, perfection was in mind… for who would build their dream house thinking… ah, second best is good enough. This is no doubt why they put strong doors and double pane windows in place. Imagine how quickly this monument of wood, stone, fiber, metal and wiring would become a big pile of decayed crap if there were no windows or doors... this house wouldn’t still be standing here some 20 years after its purposeful, careful, loving creation.

Proverbs 25: 28 says, “A person without self control is like a house without windows or doors.”

I have to ask myself, am I like a house without windows or doors? Do I let the heat of decisions badly made make me uncomfortable? Do I let the downpours of life get me wet and moldy? Do I allow the dusty residue of other peoples actions collect on me to the point that I stop trying to stay pollen free? Do I allow the winds of uncertainly and evil just blow in and out of my life at their own whim? Do I let critters gnaw at my once perfect wiring? Do I allow the neighborhood dogs to steal my joy from me? And how badly do I stink when I let the skunky bomb of anger or hatred lift their tail in my heart? Am I a house that no one would want to purchase?

The honest truth is… most times, I am just like a house with no doors or windows.

But there is good news.

Just as my house was built to perfection, so was I. God created me with purpose, great attention to detail and certainly in His own image which was nothing short of perfection. While I know there is no possible way I can maintain anything like perfection in my life, I have been given the blueprints to try. The blueprint is the Bible and with the Word open in my hands, I allow it to move through my eyes and settle into my soul. The blueprint magically restores my windows and doors. Personally, I believe self-control is an oxy-moron. I believe the only real control I can ever have is God guided self control. Without Him, the elements will surely destroy me. True, I have no self control, but luckily God is more than willing to be the strong impenetrable wood that makes up my doors and the shatterproof, triple pane windows that I so need to make sure the perfectly constructed house of Wendy He built doesn’t ever become a decayed pile of crap.