I want to start out this writing by saying that it is not meant to cause anyone to feel any particular feeling. It has not been put to paper to force any sort of reaction and I have not posted it to my blog to gain any sort of feedback or response. No… I am writing this for my own purposes, for my own mental health… and perhaps to just help me reconcile my perception with reality and recognize my unrealistic expectations of others.
To say we humans are selfish is an understatement. We were born that way. We have an intrinsic nature that makes us naturally concerned with numbero uno… me, myself, and I… the big kahuna… the center of the universe… me, me, me… ME!!!!
Even those of us who work diligently at helping others, attempting to step outside of ourselves and trying to be a good example of Christ… still have an ego to contend with. I bet even Mother Theresa had moments where she felt like, “can’t it just be about me for once?”
Because of my own selfishness through the years, I have come to really dislike my birthday. I suppose I have always had unrealistic expectations of others around me to think they would find this one day of the year, July 1st, to be something special. After all, it is just one day of 365 of them. Why would July 1st be treated any differently than the rest of them? But for some reason, my birthday has always brought about hopes that it would be nice to special, at least for the day.
What’s really funny is my birthday really shouldn’t be about me at all. It should be about my mother. I mean she’s the one who did all the hard work… she’s the one who suffered pain to give me life… why shouldn’t my birthday be a celebration of her sacrifice? After all, what did I do on July 1, 1972… nothing really. God had created me and He knew me long before that moment in time. Yes, my mother deserves the special treatment on July 1st… but society’s selfishness rears its ugly head again… and makes the birthday about me, me, me.
Keeping in mind that selfishness is the biggest disease of our humanness… it only makes sense that the people around us… strangers, acquaintances, friends and family alike are much more vested in their own existence than in anyone else's. And it is for this reason, the birthday of importance in their lives is most definitely their own, and not anyone else's. To take part in the celebration of another's birthday is a beautiful thing… but it takes intentionality and care.
I mean, the first thing you need to do is actually come into the knowledge of when a person’s birthday is. That information doesn’t normally just fall into your lap; although there are some people who walk around announcing their birth date to everyone they meet. But even after that, it takes mental acuity (or a pen and a calendar) to set that date aside as a day to, at the very least, say “Happy Birthday” to someone. Beyond that there are different levels of celebratory gifting. A greeting, a card, a gift, a party… a surprise party, a trip… and it can go on. I know people who actually celebrate their birthdays for an entire week. Geez!
It is no surprise that the ones closest to us are the ones who take more care and interest in remembering our birthdays. After all, they care for us, they are part of our lives, they are around us, they don’t want us to be disappointed or sad… and certainly don’t want to get on our bad side because we all know that can be trouble.
This year, July 1, 2010, I had a lovely birthday. It was very quiet and low key. I spent the day with my son. Opened some presents when my hubby got home. Went out to dinner and got my favorite meal. We had a really great time as a family and I have to say – it was one of my best birthday’s ever just because my happiness in those moments with my son and husband were so genuine and real.
My parents sent me some very special, well thought-out gifts and I felt very loved. I suppose I should mention that my love language is “Gifts” so give me a gift… and boy do I feel special!!! My mother and father in-law also sent me a few things in the mail that were also special. Hubby did great with his gifts to me (nothing that plugs in – yay). I got a few phone calls, one from my sister and one from my brother. I spoke with my sister-in-law, Marissa, and one other friend. I got about 20 facebook Happy Birthdays on my wall, which was nice… but I know how that works. When it’s someone’s birthday it shows up on your page and its one of the easiest things in the world to just click on the reminder, get to their page and type “H-A-P-P-Y_B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y” on their wall. It’s nice… but let’s face it, probably mostly coincidence and surely in most cases, not very intentional. I did however make sure I sent back a personal note to every single person who wished my H.B. on my wall because whether they realized it or not, I reallyappreciated the time it took to do what they did.
But something happened after my birthday passed. Remember I said it was a good one… simple but very meaningful... my Husband, my son, parents (regular and in-law) succeeded in making me feel very special! But even with that, the devil began chatting in my ear. He knows this is one of those sore spots for me and it was a GREAT opportunity for him to dig at me. I have a handful of what I would consider really good friends… not one of them even called me. Not one of them sent me a card… of course no gift… and out of the handful… only 3 wished me happy birthday on my facebook page. Hmmmm…. I thought a little further… I didn’t get one birthday card in the mail this year. And… 3 of the people who are very involved in my life… who I know are aware of my birthday… didn’t acknowledge it at all. I recalled 365 days earlier… my first surprise birthday dinner ever thanks to my husband, but with that recollection I also was faced with realizing the person who helped plan that surprise dinner, didn’t say word one to me this year about my birthday. Granted a lot has changed in that 365 days.
I know this is selfish! I know it… I know I am whining… but this has been wearing at me. These thoughts… these selfish thoughts about what I didn’t get have been stealing the joy of what I did get. This intrinsic selfishness that drives unrealistic expectation of others who they themselves are just as selfish as I am… has dampened my mood and I again have this feeling of not liking my birthday… at all. I suppose I have the devil to thank for all of that… I have myself to thank for listening to his nonsense. But is it all nonsense? Is there this appropriate reality check that needs to happen regarding my boundaries that says... if someone doesn’t know me well enough to know how I feel about this... if someone doesn’t care enough about me to even attempt to remember... perhaps we aren’t as close as I thought we were? Is that the devil? Or is that real? I don't know.
I know life happens, and everyone has stuff going on I am not aware of… and I even have to admit I have forgotten birthdays of great importance to me – and I have felt AWFUL about it because this is something that is obviously near and dear to my heart. I am fully aware that my selfishness is of less importance to others than their own selfishness. I just wish this whole birthday thing didn’t make me feel so… conflicted. I suppose I’m the only one who has control over that. I suppose the only way out is to give those feelings to Jesus and ask Him to bear the burden of it for me.
Ah ha... God just told me of something. It doesn’t matter who does and doesn’t help make me feel special on July 1st, or any other day of the year for that matter. Because guess what... in God’s eyes... I’m special EVERY SINGLE DAY... not just on July 1st. The creator of the universe desires to make me feel special ALL THE TIME but I, selfish me, stand in the way of that by letting the devil, society and unrealistic expectations of others sour my view, by focusing on what I didn't get rather than what I did get. I NEED to be fully satisfied with God' love for me... He didn't give me perfection but He did give me eternal life through Jesus, a gift to be truly thankful for. With that I will stop my whining and try to move on being less selfish.
Showing posts with label selfish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label selfish. Show all posts
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Thursday, January 07, 2010
Beaten Isn't the Reas'n
Humility… something all of us humans are supposed to strive for. When I first entered recovery, I was told I needed to find some humility. At first I was totally offended. I was confused because I really thought I already had humility. After all, I knew I was one of the lowest life forms on the planet. I knew that everyone was better than me. I knew there was no way God could ever forgive my sins – they were too big, too bad and too unforgivable. I felt I already was as humble as I could get – in fact, I wondered if perhaps I was a little bit too humble. I had been told my whole life I was supposed to be humble, but I had also been told that to truly love someone else I needed to first love myself. I was so humble that I didn’t love myself at all.Sobriety has taught me many things about humility and as it turned out… I had a horribly misconstrued conception of what humility was. Whenever I thought about the picture of humility, I saw Jesus. But the picture of Jesus that I would see wasn’t of Him teaching others, or healing people, or praying… it was the picture of Jesus being tortured and beaten – bloody from head to toe at the hand of his accusers as He prepared to be nailed to the cross. Yes, Jesus was the perfect picture of humility and He let people beat the crap out of Him, even though He didn’t deserve it at all.
So it only made sense; being beaten = humility. I think there might be a lot of us walking around this world thinking the very same thing. We think being humble means we are supposed to be, act or feel lower than the people around us. We think we are supposed to sacrifice our own natural desires and needs in a grand act of martyr-ism so we can come out on the other end feeling like the humble hero. But… what ends up happening, is we feel used and abused by others and we get angry for not being appreciated.
For me, I would wonder, “if humility is so great… why do I feel so insignificant and powerless when it’s all said and done?” I would then turn back to my thoughts of Jesus and how He didn’t complain about being beaten. I’d think, “Buck up camper… Jesus did it and His situation was so much worse! I just need to try harder to be humble and just accept that it sucks without complaining.” In my inability to accept the suck-i-ness, I would feel like a disappointment to God and become overwhelmed with a feeling of selfishness… and I’d beat myself up for my failure. My anger then extended outwards to others for not noticing my pain or appreciating my so-called sacrifices. That anger grew and grew… and the cycle continued.
One day, I was at an AA meeting complaining about the cycle I just explained. A gentleman came up to me privately after the meeting and told me I had it all wrong. He said I wasn’t being humble at all…he went on to tell me I was being extremely selfish. It has taken me a long time to understand what he meant… but I’m finally getting it… and he was right. I have never been humble… I have always been selfish.
Humility isn’t about making myself lowly. It isn’t about being a martyr. It’s not about being beaten by myself or others. Humility is not about powerlessness… in fact, humility is the most powerful trait anyone can possess. That’s right… to be humble is to be full of power. Humility is pure power… but… it is power under control.
Go back to that picture of Jesus I shared with you. He was sacrificing himself, giving His blood for our freedom. He was being beaten and taunted. He was in physical pain we can not even imagine but… His sacrifice, His spilled blood, His pulsing wounds, His emotional torment was NOT why He was humble. He was humble because He, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords contained within Himself the power to stop what was happening to Him. He could have broken free and whooped some major butt at any given time but instead… He kept His power contained and under control. He knew who He was, He knew what His purpose was, He knew what God wanted from Him and He knew why it was so important… He was confident, He was powerful and… His control of those things was what made Him humble.
Those who successfully find true humility know who they are. They are confident in who God has made them to be (and they know the growth must continue… it is not a destination). They know their mission, their purpose and they aren’t looking to be a martyr or to be appreciated. They do what they do out of obedience to God because they know He has an important reason for sending them down a certain path. They are full of God’s power… but they hold it deeply in their soul, with delicate and definite control. I’m sure for them, humility comes and goes, for it wouldn’t be in our nature at all to have it together all the time. That’s why I believe humility can only be accomplished with the help of God. Maybe one day I will actually get to feel what humility truly is… but for now, I’m just working towards it. And I am so very glad to finally understand that I don’t have to be lowly, powerless, beaten or unappreciated to be on the pathway to humility.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
My Three Worst Enemies
Nearly every night I say a prayer that was adapted from the Lord’s Prayer (I ‘borrowed’ it from The Message version of the Bible). I’m a little dense, so even though I have been saying the Lord’s prayer since I was able to speak, the words didn’t really mean much to me. I didn’t know what they really meant. That’s why I like the adaptation from The Message. It’s clear to me.
Part of that prayer is this… “Lord, please protect me from my three worst enemies…”
satan
That little bugger is everywhere don’t you know??? Notice the small letter s I used in his name? Well, some people use an uppercase (just like with God) but not me… I don’t think he deserves an uppercase letter. If I could give him an even smaller case s… I would. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that really helped me recognize the ways the devil and his minions get at us everyday. I really need to re-read that one but I loaned it out and it hasn’t been returned to me yet. Even that could have been a plot of the bastard. He knows we aren’t likely to go buy another copy of the same book even if we need it. Our human nature tells us to sit back and wait for the return instead of “wasting” money that was already spent. Well, I’m going to go buy another one today, because I’m not going to wait. We all know I will never see that book again.
That crafty fellow, satan, can make us truly believe he is a spirit who wants what’s best for us. He can trick us into thinking we are doing God’s will. He tricks us into thinking, we are hearing God. As I look back at the things I’ve allowed myself to fall for with regard to satan, I see a pattern. I have fallen for his antics because they closely resemble what I want. When given a choice between what I want and something else… hmmm guess what I am most likely to pick. I recently fell for a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” that really threw me for a loop and ultimately reminded me that I must ALWAYS be on the lookout for the devil’s schemes. The minions will use whatever they can to get to me. They will even use the church or my desire to do good in God’s name.
I enjoy talking “at” the minions. I believe the quickest way to get them to flee is to make fun of them. They simply cannot handle it when we make them aware we are onto them so they run off with their stubby tails between their legs quickly. My son probably thinks I’m crazy at times when he hears me talk to them out-loud but that’s ok… I hope he will learn to do it too. I actually try to convert them too, which is really funny. I wonder if there is a special place in heaven for people who get demons to convert to Christianity (that was a joke). Just in case you are wondering what one of those soliloquies might sound like… here is a little example. You must imagine it oozing with sarcasm.
“Hey idiot, I know you’re there and I know exactly what you’re up to. Guess what… it ain’t gonna work so you may as well just give it up today. Jesus is stronger than you and I happen to know He already kicked your ass. You must be really proud of yourself. I mean, it must be really difficult to talk people into doing things they already want to do! Ha… what a hard job you have. Huh, maybe you’re kinda slow though and need an easy job. Well, if you ever decide you want a more challenging position, one with better pay… all you have to do is flip sides. There’s lots of hard work to be done so you may not be up for it, I know what a lazy, useless, underpaid, bore you are.”
Society
As much as I enjoy making fun of those little minions, I have to admit – they are getting through to a lot of us and helping us make some really bad decisions. And it’s mainstream stuff… just last night I was watching a television show called “Gary Unmarried” which is a fairly new primetime comedy starring Jay Mohr. I like it, one because I’m a Jay Mohr fan and two because it makes me laugh. Laughter is required in my life, and television is one of the main ways I find laughter. In the episode I was watching, the main character was coming home from a date. He quite wittily said to her, “Isn’t there some 3rd date law that we’ve missed out on - this is our 4th date you know and you haven’t seen my bedroom yet.” The laugh track come on and I laughed for a nanosecond and then it hit me like a ton of bricks… it is NOT funny that television is so openly telling society that everyone should have sex on their 3rd date. I didn’t really hear the rest of the show… because I was thinking about how used I would have been had I decided to have sex with every man I went out on 3 dates with. How disgusting!
Society tells us so many of the things that are against God’s will are just fine. In fact, society goes a step further and tells us that not only are those things okay but, if we choose to live a God-driven life, we are choosing a life trapped in Boringtown. Well, let me tell you… I do my best to live for God (fail everyday but at least I’m still on the journey) and my life is anything but boring!!!! Remember that guy I talked about in the section before this one, satan… he makes sure life ain’t boring. In many ways it would be much easier to live a life without God; I could do whatever I wanted to do with no regard for others and the devil wouldn’t be at me to screw up. That sounds like a life without challenges; that sounds boring to me. But society just flips it all around and makes us believe lies. I believe society is the devil’s kingdom… if you want to know what hell is like… baby, you’re already living in a version of it.
Society wants to ignore God so badly that many of us know people who have become activists to remove God from anything and everything; school, the pledge, currency, television (so it’s okay to tell people to have sex on the 3rd date but it’s not okay to show the closing prayer at the democratic convention on tv… hmmmm). With sarcasm in my soul on this subject, I have often wanted to tell those people who are on a mission to delete God from all things societial, if they want to really do it right, they have some additional work to do. For example, there are thousands of phrases in the English language that are rooted in the Bible… time to start filtering your words people… if you want Him out… then take Him out. The biggest thing I’d say to them is this… no more using God’s name in vain. That’s right… no more, “Oh my God”, “Oh God”, “Jesus Christ”… you get the point. If we are going to take His positive name out of society, then let’s take His name, as it is used negatively, out of society as well.
I was invited to a party a few months ago. Before the party, my friend called me to make a request of me. My desire to be supportive to her social gathering fled as I listened to the words pour out of her mouth. She actually asked me if I would filter my personality at the party. She asked me not to talk about my church, my church work, my Christianity, God or Jesus at all. Well, let me tell you this first – I am not a Bible thumper… if you know me, you know how I am… I will use my experience which sometimes leads to scripture (if fitting) in my conversation with others but I do not see myself as a person who throws God in everyone’s face. I firmly believe that kindness is a better testimony of God than Bible thumping… anyway, I was very offended by my friend’s request. I don’t think she really knew what she was asking me to do. I guess she thinks the “God” thing is an act that I can just flip on and off at will when the truth is, the “God” thing is who I am. She was asking me to change who I am to fit in with her view of the way society should be. When it comes to my relationship with God, I’m not changing that for anyone! Sure, there are times when silence is much better suited to a situation, but as I said before, a smile and kindness is our best act of discipleship for God. As angry as I was, as much as I wanted to blow that party off, I figured there was no better place for me to be on that day. What better place to smile and be kind for God than in a room where I had been asked to delete God. He will be there… and I won’t even have to speak His name.
Self
How many of us would have told our friend to go pound sand? How many of us would cancel our RSVP? I’m not patting myself on the back here, because the truth of the matter is this, I don’t want to go to the party. Satan doesn’t want me there either (he got my friend to call me for the purpose of trying to get me to bail out), and society surely doesn’t want me there… but guess what… God wants Wendy there. Trust me, Wendy wants to focus on self and say “screw you!!!! I ain’t coming! You hurt my feelings… who do you think you are telling me I need to change to be accepted by society…” blah blah blah… I say to myself SHUT UP, SUCK IT UP, and DO IT.
I am so naturally self involved that I can find a way to make everything about me. For example, right before my wedding a family member of mine got into a really bad car accident and wasn’t expected to survive. As a result, my wedding shower was canceled because people weren’t really in the mood to celebrate. At the time, I’d like to tell you that I understood but I’m not going to lie. I was extremely disappointed; mad really. Still even today I have some “unhealthy” feelings over my non-existent wedding shower (by the way, something very similar happened with my baby shower and I didn't get one of those either). I truly believed that I wasn’t important enough for people to decide to take a moment to celebrate with me. In the midst of the tragedy, I was completely selfish (FYI: my family member survived by the grace of God). Maybe that’s not the best example… but here are a few that might be a little more close to home:
If I ever sent what I perceived to be an important e-mail to someone, and I didn’t get an answer right away... I may have gotten myself all worked up thinking I’m not important. I’d get mad at my friend for not caring enough about me when the truth of the matter was that maybe my friend just wasn’t at her computer. If someone didn’t smile at me, I would assume it was because I had done something to upset them or maybe they just didn’t like me. I would think through everything I had ever done around that person just to try and figure out why they hated me. Defensive mode would hit and I’d say to myself, “well I never liked her anyway… so there,” sticking my tongue out like a big baby and vowing to never smile in her direction ever again. If someone didn’t say happy birthday to me, I would assume it was because they didn’t care enough about me to remember. In my mind I’d be so insignificant that I’m not even worthy of a simple birthday greeting in the elevator. I’d never even consider that maybe that person had other things on their mind. Perhaps their mother was ill or their dog died, or they might be worried about money… or how about this… maybe they hadn’t forgotten my birthday at all. Maybe they never even knew it was my birthday.
Here is the simple truth, we are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we don’t normally take the time to consider the battles of others. We take every little thing as a personal attack, even that guy that cut you off in traffic… he was just waiting there purposefully trying to tick you off.
Me, selfish? Ah… yah (read that again with a total valley girl tone there). Embarrassingly… terribly. If you don’t like this article, I am bound to think that maybe it’s because you don’t like me, even though it could be for a different reason altogether. Essentially, I believe every single one of us (that means you too) has an addiction that we cannot overcome no matter how hard we try… we are addicted to ourselves. With that in mind, I think the world would be a much better place if each and every one of us worked a 12 step program for this addiction. “Hello, my name is Wendy and I am a Wendy-aholic.” The root of nearly every problem I have in this life can be found by looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth…. no, not bad breath or cavities but me. To remind me of this, I have a mirror with two words written on it… “The Problem.”
Yes God, protect me from my three worst enemies… satan, society and myself. Give me discernment so that I may see each for what it truly is… for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever…. Amen.
Part of that prayer is this… “Lord, please protect me from my three worst enemies…”
satan
That little bugger is everywhere don’t you know??? Notice the small letter s I used in his name? Well, some people use an uppercase (just like with God) but not me… I don’t think he deserves an uppercase letter. If I could give him an even smaller case s… I would. I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis that really helped me recognize the ways the devil and his minions get at us everyday. I really need to re-read that one but I loaned it out and it hasn’t been returned to me yet. Even that could have been a plot of the bastard. He knows we aren’t likely to go buy another copy of the same book even if we need it. Our human nature tells us to sit back and wait for the return instead of “wasting” money that was already spent. Well, I’m going to go buy another one today, because I’m not going to wait. We all know I will never see that book again.
That crafty fellow, satan, can make us truly believe he is a spirit who wants what’s best for us. He can trick us into thinking we are doing God’s will. He tricks us into thinking, we are hearing God. As I look back at the things I’ve allowed myself to fall for with regard to satan, I see a pattern. I have fallen for his antics because they closely resemble what I want. When given a choice between what I want and something else… hmmm guess what I am most likely to pick. I recently fell for a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” that really threw me for a loop and ultimately reminded me that I must ALWAYS be on the lookout for the devil’s schemes. The minions will use whatever they can to get to me. They will even use the church or my desire to do good in God’s name.
I enjoy talking “at” the minions. I believe the quickest way to get them to flee is to make fun of them. They simply cannot handle it when we make them aware we are onto them so they run off with their stubby tails between their legs quickly. My son probably thinks I’m crazy at times when he hears me talk to them out-loud but that’s ok… I hope he will learn to do it too. I actually try to convert them too, which is really funny. I wonder if there is a special place in heaven for people who get demons to convert to Christianity (that was a joke). Just in case you are wondering what one of those soliloquies might sound like… here is a little example. You must imagine it oozing with sarcasm.
“Hey idiot, I know you’re there and I know exactly what you’re up to. Guess what… it ain’t gonna work so you may as well just give it up today. Jesus is stronger than you and I happen to know He already kicked your ass. You must be really proud of yourself. I mean, it must be really difficult to talk people into doing things they already want to do! Ha… what a hard job you have. Huh, maybe you’re kinda slow though and need an easy job. Well, if you ever decide you want a more challenging position, one with better pay… all you have to do is flip sides. There’s lots of hard work to be done so you may not be up for it, I know what a lazy, useless, underpaid, bore you are.”
Society
As much as I enjoy making fun of those little minions, I have to admit – they are getting through to a lot of us and helping us make some really bad decisions. And it’s mainstream stuff… just last night I was watching a television show called “Gary Unmarried” which is a fairly new primetime comedy starring Jay Mohr. I like it, one because I’m a Jay Mohr fan and two because it makes me laugh. Laughter is required in my life, and television is one of the main ways I find laughter. In the episode I was watching, the main character was coming home from a date. He quite wittily said to her, “Isn’t there some 3rd date law that we’ve missed out on - this is our 4th date you know and you haven’t seen my bedroom yet.” The laugh track come on and I laughed for a nanosecond and then it hit me like a ton of bricks… it is NOT funny that television is so openly telling society that everyone should have sex on their 3rd date. I didn’t really hear the rest of the show… because I was thinking about how used I would have been had I decided to have sex with every man I went out on 3 dates with. How disgusting!
Society tells us so many of the things that are against God’s will are just fine. In fact, society goes a step further and tells us that not only are those things okay but, if we choose to live a God-driven life, we are choosing a life trapped in Boringtown. Well, let me tell you… I do my best to live for God (fail everyday but at least I’m still on the journey) and my life is anything but boring!!!! Remember that guy I talked about in the section before this one, satan… he makes sure life ain’t boring. In many ways it would be much easier to live a life without God; I could do whatever I wanted to do with no regard for others and the devil wouldn’t be at me to screw up. That sounds like a life without challenges; that sounds boring to me. But society just flips it all around and makes us believe lies. I believe society is the devil’s kingdom… if you want to know what hell is like… baby, you’re already living in a version of it.
Society wants to ignore God so badly that many of us know people who have become activists to remove God from anything and everything; school, the pledge, currency, television (so it’s okay to tell people to have sex on the 3rd date but it’s not okay to show the closing prayer at the democratic convention on tv… hmmmm). With sarcasm in my soul on this subject, I have often wanted to tell those people who are on a mission to delete God from all things societial, if they want to really do it right, they have some additional work to do. For example, there are thousands of phrases in the English language that are rooted in the Bible… time to start filtering your words people… if you want Him out… then take Him out. The biggest thing I’d say to them is this… no more using God’s name in vain. That’s right… no more, “Oh my God”, “Oh God”, “Jesus Christ”… you get the point. If we are going to take His positive name out of society, then let’s take His name, as it is used negatively, out of society as well.
I was invited to a party a few months ago. Before the party, my friend called me to make a request of me. My desire to be supportive to her social gathering fled as I listened to the words pour out of her mouth. She actually asked me if I would filter my personality at the party. She asked me not to talk about my church, my church work, my Christianity, God or Jesus at all. Well, let me tell you this first – I am not a Bible thumper… if you know me, you know how I am… I will use my experience which sometimes leads to scripture (if fitting) in my conversation with others but I do not see myself as a person who throws God in everyone’s face. I firmly believe that kindness is a better testimony of God than Bible thumping… anyway, I was very offended by my friend’s request. I don’t think she really knew what she was asking me to do. I guess she thinks the “God” thing is an act that I can just flip on and off at will when the truth is, the “God” thing is who I am. She was asking me to change who I am to fit in with her view of the way society should be. When it comes to my relationship with God, I’m not changing that for anyone! Sure, there are times when silence is much better suited to a situation, but as I said before, a smile and kindness is our best act of discipleship for God. As angry as I was, as much as I wanted to blow that party off, I figured there was no better place for me to be on that day. What better place to smile and be kind for God than in a room where I had been asked to delete God. He will be there… and I won’t even have to speak His name.
Self
How many of us would have told our friend to go pound sand? How many of us would cancel our RSVP? I’m not patting myself on the back here, because the truth of the matter is this, I don’t want to go to the party. Satan doesn’t want me there either (he got my friend to call me for the purpose of trying to get me to bail out), and society surely doesn’t want me there… but guess what… God wants Wendy there. Trust me, Wendy wants to focus on self and say “screw you!!!! I ain’t coming! You hurt my feelings… who do you think you are telling me I need to change to be accepted by society…” blah blah blah… I say to myself SHUT UP, SUCK IT UP, and DO IT.
I am so naturally self involved that I can find a way to make everything about me. For example, right before my wedding a family member of mine got into a really bad car accident and wasn’t expected to survive. As a result, my wedding shower was canceled because people weren’t really in the mood to celebrate. At the time, I’d like to tell you that I understood but I’m not going to lie. I was extremely disappointed; mad really. Still even today I have some “unhealthy” feelings over my non-existent wedding shower (by the way, something very similar happened with my baby shower and I didn't get one of those either). I truly believed that I wasn’t important enough for people to decide to take a moment to celebrate with me. In the midst of the tragedy, I was completely selfish (FYI: my family member survived by the grace of God). Maybe that’s not the best example… but here are a few that might be a little more close to home:
If I ever sent what I perceived to be an important e-mail to someone, and I didn’t get an answer right away... I may have gotten myself all worked up thinking I’m not important. I’d get mad at my friend for not caring enough about me when the truth of the matter was that maybe my friend just wasn’t at her computer. If someone didn’t smile at me, I would assume it was because I had done something to upset them or maybe they just didn’t like me. I would think through everything I had ever done around that person just to try and figure out why they hated me. Defensive mode would hit and I’d say to myself, “well I never liked her anyway… so there,” sticking my tongue out like a big baby and vowing to never smile in her direction ever again. If someone didn’t say happy birthday to me, I would assume it was because they didn’t care enough about me to remember. In my mind I’d be so insignificant that I’m not even worthy of a simple birthday greeting in the elevator. I’d never even consider that maybe that person had other things on their mind. Perhaps their mother was ill or their dog died, or they might be worried about money… or how about this… maybe they hadn’t forgotten my birthday at all. Maybe they never even knew it was my birthday.
Here is the simple truth, we are all so wrapped up in our own little worlds that we don’t normally take the time to consider the battles of others. We take every little thing as a personal attack, even that guy that cut you off in traffic… he was just waiting there purposefully trying to tick you off.
Me, selfish? Ah… yah (read that again with a total valley girl tone there). Embarrassingly… terribly. If you don’t like this article, I am bound to think that maybe it’s because you don’t like me, even though it could be for a different reason altogether. Essentially, I believe every single one of us (that means you too) has an addiction that we cannot overcome no matter how hard we try… we are addicted to ourselves. With that in mind, I think the world would be a much better place if each and every one of us worked a 12 step program for this addiction. “Hello, my name is Wendy and I am a Wendy-aholic.” The root of nearly every problem I have in this life can be found by looking in the mirror while brushing my teeth…. no, not bad breath or cavities but me. To remind me of this, I have a mirror with two words written on it… “The Problem.”
Yes God, protect me from my three worst enemies… satan, society and myself. Give me discernment so that I may see each for what it truly is… for thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever…. Amen.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Dirtbag
I’m a dirtbag. Yes, it’s true. Thankfully, Jesus offered himself up so that my dirtbag status could be revoked. Unfortunately, I keep working really hard to re-attain the official title of “DIRTBAG.”I’ve always believed that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins but I don’t suppose I ever really understood what that meant. I just knew it was true. I realized this week that if you asked me “How exactly did Jesus’ dying on the cross actually save us from our sins?” I'd really have to think about it. Ultimately I'd probably have to answer that question with a very decisive, discerning “Because my Father said so!”
Guess what? I recently learned the answer. What’s funny is I didn't even realize I didn't know the answer until I learned what it was. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with just believing something without knowing the details, as long as we are Spirit-guided. In fact, for me, Bible study requires and incredible amount of blind faith since I recognize I am simply unable to comprehend the meaning of most scripture with my feeble human brain, and that is okay!
I was so excited when this particular blind faith “gap” was filled in with perfect understanding. So excited I just had to share it!!!!
Back in Jesus' time, crucifixion was only one of many ways in which criminals were executed. Each crime had its own type of punishment. For example, in Jewish law if a person committed blasphemy against God, they were to be stoned. The actual offense Jesus was “found guilty” of was blasphemy. According to the Jewish rules of execution, Jesus should have been stoned to death. So what happened? Well, the Romans decided to take it up a notch for Jesus, so they up’d the charges to make a point.
Crucifixion was seen as the most humiliating way for a criminal to die. It was an extremely public, torturous, drawn out process but that wasn't why it was considered the worst way to go. It was the worst way to go because of what it meant... if you were crucified it meant that you were cursed by God. Did you just read that? Cursed by God! Your sins were unforgivable and you had no hope for salvation. God had thrown you away like trash, you were an embarrassment to His kingdom and He had no use for you. You were burnt toast, and not even the kind you can scrape with a knife and still eat... you were the kind that stunk up the whole house and went straight to the Glad bag under the sink.
Wow... the King of Kings, the Son of Man, the Great I Am, the Way, the Truth, the Light, Jesus Christ – Son of the Father was sentenced to death, physical and spiritual... cursed by God, no hope for salvation, toast in the trash can when in reality, He was perfection.
I look at myself in the mirror after reviewing the 10 commandments and I say “oh crap!” Jesus told us the two most important commandments are “Love the Lord your God with all your heart” and “Love they neighbor as thyself” (Matt 22:36-40). The night before his crucifixion, Jesus made a slight change to that second one... he instructed us to love each other the way He loves us... with perfect love. (John 13: 34) I admit it, I am a failure at this (and so many other things). I require much forgiveness every single day. If there is anyone who deserves to be cursed by God... it is me... tacked up on a cross for all the world to see and spit on.
I am left in awe when the puzzle pieces come together and I see the strangely beautiful picture that shows me I WILL NEVER BE CURSED BY GOD…even though I deserve it more than I can ever fathom. This is all because Jesus took that curse on my behalf. It is only because of His perfect love and obedience that I have the chance to start over at anytime, asking God for a clean heart and a renewed Spirit.
It is so disappointing to me when I think about how selfish I am. I am faced with choices to do what I want to do or do what I know is right by God. I have gotten better at making these decisions but boy do I still fight it and still screw up. Even as I type this I am thinking about something that I really want – justifying why it would be okay for me to continue wanting it when I know the truth is... God is shaking His head and hoping I make the right decision. I have to be honest and say one of the thoughts that passed through my mind was that I could go ahead and do what I wanted because I knew God would forgive me. Wow, if that isn’t “dirtbagging”... I can't believe I even thought that (well, I can believe it because I’m wearing my “dirtbag” badge right now.)
Right now, I feel so human…so weak. The prayer I pray is this... “God, give me the strength to do what is right. Give me the strength to trade my dreams for Yours. Amen”
Again I am in awe that Jesus took that curse for me; a thankless, selfish dirtbag who is sitting here hemming and hawing over something so ridiculous that it amazes me I'd even put my salvation on the line for a second over it. Thank you Jesus for having the strength, conviction, and perfect selfless love to trade Your dreams for God's… without pause. It is because of You, I am loved and forgiven, regardless of the fact that I am a dirtbag.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
The Ghost of Wendy Past
Have you ever been annoyed with someone? Well that’s a stupid question isn’t it… of course you have. In fact, you’re probably annoyed at me right now for asking such an annoying question. Let me be more specific… have you ever been annoyed in a very subtle yet intense way? Does that make sense? I mean you know you love them, because you do… you love them… and not because you have to, because you honestly love them (and no I’m not talking about my husband right now). Yet, you are so terribly aggravated by them that you wish you could just… hate them???? It doesn’t ruin your day or make you fly into a rage or anything. It just kind of sits in the back of your mind as you go about your daily routine. You smile and function just fine yet you know its there and every once in awhile it flairs up and you just have to clench your fist for a moment and say “Argh!” I for one try very hard not to have my “Argh” sound like a pirate… I prefer a gravely, throaty “Argh” with umph.
So maybe you know what I mean, maybe you don’t. Either way I bet you’re wondering who it is and what happened, right? Maybe it’s you???? Well, I won’t go into specifics here, because they aren’t important to the point. (Sorry to let you down.) What I will do is tell you that I really don’t like feeling this way at all. It is quite disruptive to my overall serenity, so I better deal with it.
Digging in deep I realize I am so annoyed with this person because they are exhibiting behaviors that I once embraced myself. In fact, I’m looking at this person and wondering if I am looking into some freakish mirror that reflects the ghost of Wendy past. It is so very annoying to see what I used to be like! It is so very annoying to deal with what I used to make other people deal with. I swear, I don’t know how people put up with me!!!! I recognize I probably deserve this and I also recognize this is one of the ways God reminds me to be careful and keep making progress in my life. I’ve prayed some about this but for some reason, I haven’t really given it a good hearty prayer. I don’t know why… maybe I’m just leaning on the assumption that God knows how I feel so I don’t really need to explain it to Him. Maybe I think He should just help me out without me having to go into too much detail about it. I have asked my husband to pray FOR me, since I seem to not be able to “get it out” the way I should.
I suppose what I realize right now more than anything is that now is the time to practice this thing called true love. If I do in fact love this person, and I do, I must remove the string labeled, “only when you do what I want you to do” that I have attached to that love. I must look at the scripture and take it to heart.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
A person once explained true love to me in this way… true love is when we want God based self-love to be real for another person. I like that explanation a lot. It means it’s not about “me.” It’s about them, their well-being and their connection with God and if that is truly the case then it can’t be anything other than what scripture says.
I know that this person struggles with self-love. I think we all do in ways. I make the choice right now to be patient, kind, humble, polite, selfless, satisfied, forgiving, honest, loyal, protective, hopeful and lasting in my prayer for self-love for… you, person who has annoyed me because you are a lot like me. After all, I’m sure I’ve annoyed you before. Moreover, Jesus loves me in this way better than anyone ever could (and I bet I’ve annoyed Him plenty). I owe it to Him, given all He has done for me, to at least try and pay it forward.
Funny, I don’t feel as annoyed now.
(If you are wondering if it is you... you can ask me, but I may not tell you. I'm just gonna let it go.)
So maybe you know what I mean, maybe you don’t. Either way I bet you’re wondering who it is and what happened, right? Maybe it’s you???? Well, I won’t go into specifics here, because they aren’t important to the point. (Sorry to let you down.) What I will do is tell you that I really don’t like feeling this way at all. It is quite disruptive to my overall serenity, so I better deal with it.
Digging in deep I realize I am so annoyed with this person because they are exhibiting behaviors that I once embraced myself. In fact, I’m looking at this person and wondering if I am looking into some freakish mirror that reflects the ghost of Wendy past. It is so very annoying to see what I used to be like! It is so very annoying to deal with what I used to make other people deal with. I swear, I don’t know how people put up with me!!!! I recognize I probably deserve this and I also recognize this is one of the ways God reminds me to be careful and keep making progress in my life. I’ve prayed some about this but for some reason, I haven’t really given it a good hearty prayer. I don’t know why… maybe I’m just leaning on the assumption that God knows how I feel so I don’t really need to explain it to Him. Maybe I think He should just help me out without me having to go into too much detail about it. I have asked my husband to pray FOR me, since I seem to not be able to “get it out” the way I should.
I suppose what I realize right now more than anything is that now is the time to practice this thing called true love. If I do in fact love this person, and I do, I must remove the string labeled, “only when you do what I want you to do” that I have attached to that love. I must look at the scripture and take it to heart.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
A person once explained true love to me in this way… true love is when we want God based self-love to be real for another person. I like that explanation a lot. It means it’s not about “me.” It’s about them, their well-being and their connection with God and if that is truly the case then it can’t be anything other than what scripture says.
I know that this person struggles with self-love. I think we all do in ways. I make the choice right now to be patient, kind, humble, polite, selfless, satisfied, forgiving, honest, loyal, protective, hopeful and lasting in my prayer for self-love for… you, person who has annoyed me because you are a lot like me. After all, I’m sure I’ve annoyed you before. Moreover, Jesus loves me in this way better than anyone ever could (and I bet I’ve annoyed Him plenty). I owe it to Him, given all He has done for me, to at least try and pay it forward.
Funny, I don’t feel as annoyed now.
(If you are wondering if it is you... you can ask me, but I may not tell you. I'm just gonna let it go.)
Monday, January 19, 2009
"Stay to the Right"
A few months ago, my husband, Ryan, and I took our son, Brett, to
We brought Brett’s tricycle with us because he is really getting into that lately. It was his first time at the park with his wheels so we had to teach him about the line and what it meant. We told him to stay to the right (after explaining what “right” meant of course) of the line and to watch out for other bikers, runners and people. We said it was important to be aware. I’m not sure how much he understood but, off we went.
I loved watching him peddle his little heart out from behind! I could just imagine the great big toothy grin on his face and the wind passing through his hair as he powered his way through the countryside. That first time, he was just in heaven out there! He had endless road in front of him with unknown excitement around each corner. It was one of those super special parent moments for both Ryan and I as we walked behind him watching him enjoy the freedom of having his own ride and road for the first time ever.
We hadn’t gone far before little Brett started to slowly glide over the line into the left lane. My husband reminded him quickly, “Stay to the right, buddy! Stay to the right.” With obedience our little boy got back over to the correct side of the lane and continued on his merry way, peddling steadily not missing a beat.
Soon, Brett was drifting to the left again. “Stay to the right buddy. Stay to the right,” said Ryan in just the correct tone to show gentle yet authoritative direction. Brett listened and corrected his path quickly. I’d like to tell you that my son was so smart and receptive that he got it right then and never had to be reminded again but… that was not the case at all. The pattern continued for the rest of our 4 mile walk. Brett slowly gliding into the wrong lane and daddy or I kindly reminding him to “stay to the right.”
Towards the end of the journey, after having reminded Brett to, “get over to the right,” at least 50 times it dawned on me that God does the same thing in my life every day. He is up there looked down at me constantly sending His Spirit to gently but firmly remind me to “Stay to the right, Wendy. Stay to the right.” It’s the love of the Father, just like Ryan with Brett. Patient, loving, protective, watchful, diligent, tenacious, stern yet kind. Yep, that’s God. How blessed am I to have such a wonderful God. I had to smile. Even with His abounding patience, I still picture God shaking His head at me at times wondering why He must keep saying the same things to me over and over and over.
A little later, I wondered if Brett had been testing our rules and authority on purpose or if he had just been so excited about his freedom that he forgot about the guidelines. There was really no way for me to know for sure. I could ask him but what were the chances he would admit, “I’m just ignoring the rules mom!” In a great flash I realized God doesn’t have to wonder for a second. He knows what’s in our heart and therefore doesn’t have to ask if we are being disobedient out of ignorance, defiance or distraction. He just knows. HE KNOWS and we can’t fake him out or lie about it.
I’m really good at lying to myself, I always have been. Through sobriety I have learned to be more honest for it is only complete self-honesty that can lead to the heart of any problem. Imagine that… honesty leads to the truth. It’s crazy to me that even though I know all of this, I still try to hide from my shortcomings, thinking I can secretly keep them from God. I have to laugh out loud for it is such a waste of time! Why not just lay them out right then and there instead of playing the game. The bottom line is… God knows all… and He loves me anyway so He is willing to continue saying, “Stay to the right, Wendy. Stay to the right.”
Sunday, January 11, 2009
When the Fight Becomes Natural
I had an awareness come upon me this Christmas that humbled me. As I share this story, it is my hope that you will read it knowing that I do not say it to brag. In fact, none of the thoughts and stories I write and share with you are meant to brag and they are definitely not the things I innately want to write. If you want to read things that I want to write about, you should read my book Desco. No, this isn't a shameless plug to boost sales for I will gladly let you read Desco for free but I do that cringing since I don't think anyone who read it walked away feeling like a better person for it. But I suppose that is my point, the things that I write because I want to write them are essentially crap. The other things that I write, like this... I write because the Spirit tells me to. So, my bragging rights belong to God... He is the one who does the hard work. He just tells me what to share and when.
Whenever I am getting ready to head to the East coast, I always get a little anxious. I think it is mostly because the old places tend to remind me of old behavior (in my case that is super selfishness along with drunkenness). As I prepared to travel home toVirginia
There is some petty ugliness to this story, its called human nature. But there is also some triumph... and that part is called God's nature. But let’s get on with it. We went to my parents’ church on Christmas Eve. I've been there a few times before but it isn't my church so it's not in my comfort zone. Here is a little known fact about me that might shock you who know me fairly well... I actually have a touch of social anxiety disorder so when I am out of my comfort zone I tend to get sweaty and uncomfortable. We got to church early but there were already a lot of people there. We picked a row and sat down. Because of my anxiety, I like to sit on the end of the row, that way there is a reduced chance of having to sit next to a stranger. There were 5 of us so we spread out and took up the whole row. In my head I sighed (phew... I don't have to sit with anyone I don't know and I can just spread out and be comfortable – ahhhh.” As the church filled up my conscience began to pick at me telling me that I was selfish for taking up the whole row when we could have easily slid down and made room for more people. My brain dismissed the thought quickly, determined to stay exactly where I was; fat, comfortable and selfish.
The next thing I knew I was standing up telling my parent to slide down. I was picking up all our coats off the pew and placing them in a better place to make more room. That made room for one or two more people in the row, open right next to me. In my head I really didn't want to sit next to a stranger but I had made the change anyway. I don't know why or how it happened – my body just did it as if on autopilot.
On Christmas day, after all the presents were opened and it was time to get the food going, I had the thought of how nice it would be to just sit back and enjoy my new “stuff” while awaiting the grand feast. I could sit back in a comfy cloud of laziness awaiting dinner to be served. That sounded way more fun than helping (also known as working) in the kitchen. My sister and mom were starting to get to work as this thought came to me, “they don't need me, they can do it themselves. I'll just be in the way.” The next thing I knew, again with the autopilot thing, I found myself standing in the kitchen asking my mom what I could do to help. I remember thinking, “What are you doing Wendy... you're going to ruin your own lazy fun.” I ended up helping/working a lot to get the Christmas meal on the table yet I still had time to play with my new stuff later.
Later in the evening, long after the food coma had passed, the kids were playing whiffle-ball in the backyard with my husband. They were having a great time but I didn't join in, it was too cold for me! I remember thinking, they better clean up after themselves because I'm sure not gonna go out there and pick up all those balls, bats and plates. After my sister's family headed home for the night, I peaked outside. Guess what... the kids (I include my husband in that group) had not picked up their toys. All of it was strewn about the yard beginning to collect frost in the 31 degree night. I grinned internally with an evil laugh going, “he he he... I'm so glad I don't have to clean that up... it's cold out there!” A little while later I took my dog outside to “do her thing.” The next thing I knew... autopilot had taken over again and I was out there picking up after those darn kiddos. I had a smile on my face too.
It wasn't until the day after Christmas that these three things piled up together in my head and I realized I was actually making progress with my selfishness. I have to be honest with you. Now that I am aware of my ability to fight selfishness and find success and now that I am aware that it is becoming more natural for me... there is this part of me that says, “Darn it!” Why you ask? Well, it's because now I know... I have no choice but to be more responsible for my own actions. It is my job, if you will, to try to continue to defeat my selfishness with even more intention. I must not rest on my laurels for a moment! I shall not stop to pat myself on the back (at least not for too long). You know what they say, if you're not moving forward you are moving backwards. Now that I know I can successfully fight my petty selfishness, I have a responsibility to keep it up. I reiterate “Darn it!” I have no excuse for laziness! Of course I know I will never be perfect and I will never defeat all my selfishness because I am human. But since the whole point of the Christian journey is to become more Christ like, I recognize that I can't just sit back and be satisfied with the progress I currently have made. I need always aspire to be more like Christ. I am overcome with a feeling of responsibility. At one point as I thought about this it actually felt like a burden. Quickly I was reminded of another one of my favorite verses. Jesus said, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I have confirmation! My feelings are justified the burden is real... but if I let Jesus lead, if I stop kicking like a stubborn mule (I really wanted to use the word 'ass' here because that’s what I am a lot of the time), the burden becomes light. When I think of it that way and realize that Jesus is ready, able and willing to guide me through it, that burden miraculously becomes an honor. Today it is my honor to share this with you. I thank you Spirit for changing this 'donkey's behind' into a useful tool.
Whenever I am getting ready to head to the East coast, I always get a little anxious. I think it is mostly because the old places tend to remind me of old behavior (in my case that is super selfishness along with drunkenness). As I prepared to travel home to
There is some petty ugliness to this story, its called human nature. But there is also some triumph... and that part is called God's nature. But let’s get on with it. We went to my parents’ church on Christmas Eve. I've been there a few times before but it isn't my church so it's not in my comfort zone. Here is a little known fact about me that might shock you who know me fairly well... I actually have a touch of social anxiety disorder so when I am out of my comfort zone I tend to get sweaty and uncomfortable. We got to church early but there were already a lot of people there. We picked a row and sat down. Because of my anxiety, I like to sit on the end of the row, that way there is a reduced chance of having to sit next to a stranger. There were 5 of us so we spread out and took up the whole row. In my head I sighed (phew... I don't have to sit with anyone I don't know and I can just spread out and be comfortable – ahhhh.” As the church filled up my conscience began to pick at me telling me that I was selfish for taking up the whole row when we could have easily slid down and made room for more people. My brain dismissed the thought quickly, determined to stay exactly where I was; fat, comfortable and selfish.
The next thing I knew I was standing up telling my parent to slide down. I was picking up all our coats off the pew and placing them in a better place to make more room. That made room for one or two more people in the row, open right next to me. In my head I really didn't want to sit next to a stranger but I had made the change anyway. I don't know why or how it happened – my body just did it as if on autopilot.
On Christmas day, after all the presents were opened and it was time to get the food going, I had the thought of how nice it would be to just sit back and enjoy my new “stuff” while awaiting the grand feast. I could sit back in a comfy cloud of laziness awaiting dinner to be served. That sounded way more fun than helping (also known as working) in the kitchen. My sister and mom were starting to get to work as this thought came to me, “they don't need me, they can do it themselves. I'll just be in the way.” The next thing I knew, again with the autopilot thing, I found myself standing in the kitchen asking my mom what I could do to help. I remember thinking, “What are you doing Wendy... you're going to ruin your own lazy fun.” I ended up helping/working a lot to get the Christmas meal on the table yet I still had time to play with my new stuff later.
Later in the evening, long after the food coma had passed, the kids were playing whiffle-ball in the backyard with my husband. They were having a great time but I didn't join in, it was too cold for me! I remember thinking, they better clean up after themselves because I'm sure not gonna go out there and pick up all those balls, bats and plates. After my sister's family headed home for the night, I peaked outside. Guess what... the kids (I include my husband in that group) had not picked up their toys. All of it was strewn about the yard beginning to collect frost in the 31 degree night. I grinned internally with an evil laugh going, “he he he... I'm so glad I don't have to clean that up... it's cold out there!” A little while later I took my dog outside to “do her thing.” The next thing I knew... autopilot had taken over again and I was out there picking up after those darn kiddos. I had a smile on my face too.
It wasn't until the day after Christmas that these three things piled up together in my head and I realized I was actually making progress with my selfishness. I have to be honest with you. Now that I am aware of my ability to fight selfishness and find success and now that I am aware that it is becoming more natural for me... there is this part of me that says, “Darn it!” Why you ask? Well, it's because now I know... I have no choice but to be more responsible for my own actions. It is my job, if you will, to try to continue to defeat my selfishness with even more intention. I must not rest on my laurels for a moment! I shall not stop to pat myself on the back (at least not for too long). You know what they say, if you're not moving forward you are moving backwards. Now that I know I can successfully fight my petty selfishness, I have a responsibility to keep it up. I reiterate “Darn it!” I have no excuse for laziness! Of course I know I will never be perfect and I will never defeat all my selfishness because I am human. But since the whole point of the Christian journey is to become more Christ like, I recognize that I can't just sit back and be satisfied with the progress I currently have made. I need always aspire to be more like Christ. I am overcome with a feeling of responsibility. At one point as I thought about this it actually felt like a burden. Quickly I was reminded of another one of my favorite verses. Jesus said, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I have confirmation! My feelings are justified the burden is real... but if I let Jesus lead, if I stop kicking like a stubborn mule (I really wanted to use the word 'ass' here because that’s what I am a lot of the time), the burden becomes light. When I think of it that way and realize that Jesus is ready, able and willing to guide me through it, that burden miraculously becomes an honor. Today it is my honor to share this with you. I thank you Spirit for changing this 'donkey's behind' into a useful tool.
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