Not My Life, Not My Baby

I haven't written anything in a long time and its not because I haven't had anything to say or even that I haven't thought God had anything He wanted me to share.  It's because I have been in a season of life these last months that have been very quiet.  A quiet season... never thought I would have one of those!  Probably because I have never sat still for long enough to ever even have more than a few days of quiet.  To think it has been nearly seven months of quiet... is crazy to me.

I remember feeling a loss of purpose around January 2012.  We had just settled in our new home in Wisconsin so life was very different.  I was happy, but all the change sort of tossed me into a place of not knowing what I was supposed to do next.  Brett had adjusted to school and new friends so quickly.  Plus was getting to that age of not really needing his mama so much that the load of motherhood seemed to be lightening enough that there was more "free-time" in my schedule than ever before. Ryan was happy working from home and being close to family, he was helping out a lot and seemed to not really need me as much either.  I hadn't had enough time here yet to make any close friends, those relationships were just beginning or maybe not even in the picture yet and I didn't feel as drawn to the recovery work I had been doing in Texas as I thought I would have.  I was happy and living without regrets yet feeling a bit lost, wondering what big job God had for me next.  I was kinda bored. I didn't really want to go out and get a job, but there was this hole that needed to be filled. I distinctly remember asking God to tell me what my new big purpose in life was.  I have to be honest though and say, I didn't really listen for an answer.  As bored as I felt, I was kind of enjoying not having to do much.  I didn't want it to change because it was comfortable.  What if my next purpose was going to stretch me or make me dive into something I really wasn't wanting to do?  It was kinda nice to be able to watch TV whenever I wanted to and not have any real obligations to attend to weekly.  It was kinda nice to feel freedom from any hustle and bustle.  Nice but also boring.  Maybe I could just get used to boring?.  That would be great.  "Hey God, scratch that request for a new purpose... I'll just chill over here and work on getting used to boring."

I thought I was generally happy, I really did.  But looking back I suppose I can see an emptiness building in me.  I was becoming more introverted, which any one who knows me knows that is not really who I am.  I was beginning to have these crazy mixed emotions of sadness at my boredom but then I'd get angry at my son or husband when I was interrupted from my boredom. I was participating in volunteer work and Bible study but it was always a struggle to actually make myself go. I thought I was content, but deep down I was nothing of the sort.

My world was rocked in May when I found out I was pregnant.  I was about to turn 40, had just found out I had fibroid tumors that needed to be removed and totally not on board with the whole idea of being mom again.  This baby was REALLY gonna get in the way of my life plan.  I didn't want my life to change, I didn't need my life to change and I didn't think there was any way I could handle starting over with kid number two again.  I was mad.  So mad... at my husband, at myself, at life but mostly at God.  How could He let this happen to me?  How could He do this to me at this point in my life??  Why God, what are you doing messing with my life???

Luckily, I have had enough experience in my spiritual life to recognize that being mad at God isn't a sin.  In fact, I talked to Him about how mad I was at Him often. I think that was the whole of my prayer life for many many weeks... me telling God how pissed I was at Him.  I became depressed and withdrawn.  I shriveled inward into myself not wanting anyone to touch me, talk to me or try to understand me.  I just wanted to be left alone.  Eventually, I turned to our new Pastor and asked him to meet with me.  I don't know why I did that, I mean I didn't really want help - I wanted to be miserable but my hand reached out and dialed the phone as if it had a mind of its own and once the appointment was made, I just went ahead and went.  He helped me realize that a better use of my anger would be to point it at satan, instead of everything else.  Thus the writing I posted on May 17th called "Mocked".  That was very cleansing to me.

From there my heart began to slowly (oh so slowly) open to God and His will for me.  I slowly began to realize that my stubborn need to be in control of my life was blocking God's will for my life.  I admitted to Him that I didn't really want His will, and asked Him to help me change that.  I've been around the block enough times to know that God's will is gonna be whether I want it or not, so it's a lot easier to just get on board and stop whining.  I had this notion that I was supposed to just have a total change of heart over night and be ready to go with a smile on my face the next day cheerfully announcing my commitment to God's will to the world - yeah!  But when I woke up and that wasn't my reality and I didn't have the energy to fake it, I was confused.  I was still so sad about this change God had for me.  So sad, to the point of despair.  Faith got me through though.  I've had some rough times in life and the experience of making it through those rough times with God's help led me to know... without doubt... that this rough time was going to be okay, even though I didn't like it.  I realized that even in my deep despair, I trusted God fully.  It was then my relationship with God began to change and become something it never had been before.  Intimate.  Quiet.  Nearly silent.  Effortless.  I began to let Him take care of me without worry of what I needed to do to earn it.  I stopped working so hard to achieve a relationship with Him.  I sat quietly, just me and Him, no need for words, just there together.  Me in His hand.

My husband began to worry that my relationship with God was slipping.  He was so used to me being a crusader for Christ and a loudmouth, hard working, go-go-go Christian that this quiet wife of his who barely even spoke of God was very concerning.  I assured him that he didn't need to worry, but I think he did anyway.  He had no idea what was churning inside me, and I didn't really either.

I was having no fun with this pregnancy at all!  I was very sick, throwing up almost every hour some days.  I found it difficult to eat, my digestive system was whacked and the pain from my fibroid tumors was so intense some days I would just cry and cry. I was miserable.  I began to wonder why I wasn't happy.  I mean I had this faith and trust in the Lord, wasn't that supposed to get me through this with a smile on my face and great attitude?  Then one day God popped Paul in my mind.  I imagined him sitting in prison and how miserable he must have been.  His faith was there, his trust was there... but it was a hard time and it is highly unlikely he was overflowing with sunshine everyday as he sat there.  I gave myself permission... actually I feel like God gave me permission to be miserable.  I decided to be okay with my miserable days but not let them make my whole life miserable.  There were good days and when I had them, I needed to make the most of them and be thankful.  By some miracle I was able to do that, without guilt.  Just me in God's hand.

Each stage of this pregnancy has been a challenge, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how God has done it, but He has ever so slowly changed me and my heart through this pregnancy for the good.  This baby has been a completely unexpected gift of new life... new life to me and new life to this little girl in my belly.  I am so very thankful for this gift now, so in awe of His plan and His will.  I hope I can hold on to these lessons for years to come.  I hope I can remember how much I get in the way of His will when I try to control my life.  I hope I will remember that my life is not my own at all, it is His fully... and my baby is not my own either, she is fully His as well.  Thank you for giving me people in my life to speak Your truth to me through this when I have needed it... Mary, Justin, Pastor Decker, Jess, Stephanie, Stef, Jen and Jenn. Thank you for the gift of my friend Cindy here in WI who has been  so very helpful in so many ways.  Thank you God for forcing me to step up to the plate.  Thank you for giving me this opportunity to follow Your will, truly lose myself so I can gain so much more of You.  Thank you for helping me turn my fears over to You as the devil tries to haunt me with them. Thank you for trusting me with another one of Your children.  She is very loved already even though she won't be here until Dec 19th! 

   

Argue

In my humble opinion, anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of politics create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of politics in the United States. Part of being here is being free to think, believe and speak what we feel and think. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a particular politicians platform is so silly. I highly doubt any politician would be passionate enough about YOU to lose his or her good friend over you. I know not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about certain things, but I don't let that effect how I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it. They will, let you be you.

The same thing could be said about Christianity... anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of Christianity create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of Christianity. The point of being a Christian is to be molded and formed into a "Christ-like" shape. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a Christian point of view is so silly. I know for a FACT that Jesus died for ALL of us... believers and unbelievers, sinners and bigger sinners, republicans and even democrats (sorry, I couldn't resist). I believe whole heartedly that God IS more passionate about YOU than you can ever be about Him... whether you believe it or not. I know that not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about Jesus, but I don't let that effect the way I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it... but a good friend will also pray for you while letting you be who you are. A good friend will also share the Good News with you when the time is right.

In the end, the one thing I believe about arguing is this... arguing is a supreme act of faithlessness... for if you truly believed with all your heart you would never be so insecure about your belief that you would HAVE to sway someone to YOUR side. You would just simply believe and have faith in that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a silent Christian... I am not a Sunday Christian and I am not a Christian who does nothing and simply says I'm a Christian. I am a proud Christian (sometimes too proud)... but I know that it isn't me that created my faith. God put His hand on me and gave me the gift of this faith. I humbly thank Him for that. I humbly thank Him for the journey.

If you want to argue about politics, whether the democrats or the republicans are better or smarter, if an elephant can kick an asses ass, or if Obama is great or the devil incarnate... go ahead ... but not with me. The truth is... we are ALL flawed. I'd much rather talk about and try to be something that is more eternally important... love. It's a hard job. It's a tough thing to do... and I fail everyday. But I try then I dust myself off every morning, clothe myself in the cleansing waters of my baptism, allow God to turn my crimson red sin into freshly fallen snow and with all the good intentions in the world, I step out and I try again. I stand firm on my Christianity, I have faith in my loving, incredible God and I will not argue about Him. And if I won't argue about something as important as God... I surely will not argue about something as pointless as politics.

The Window Seat

Someone recently asked me to think about some hard questions… why would a loving God allow tragedy to occur? If God is so powerful, why doesn’t He keep bad things from happening to good people? The purpose of combing over these questions was to prepare myself for the type of doubt that I will inevitably be faced with as I try to share Jesus with others. These questions are hard… even for people with tremendous faith in God. One of my spiritual mentors says, “If you knew what God knows… you wouldn’t doubt what is happening right now for even a nanosecond.” In theory, it’s easy to say I know all things happen for a reason and God’s plan is to bring them together for His glory in the end. Since we humans can’t see His plan, we can’t fathom His reasoning. And then there is the topic of free will, but that would be a whole other article. I’m not going to kid myself for a second though; I am fully aware that if a tragedy were my very own, for example - the loss of my husband or child… I could only hope that my faith would be strong enough to say, “It’s God’s plan for the best” and mean it. The truth is… I don’t know how I would feel. I can’t imagine it, and I don’t want to think about it. I said some prayers for God to help me figure out how to answer those types of questions.

A few days later, I had a vision that I shared with a group of ladies I trust. I knew I trusted them when I told them because let’s face it – most people would probably laugh at me as soon as I uttered the phrase, “I had a vision,” much less keep from busting as I told the story that followed, but they were awesome about it. True friends.

There was an airplane, packed full of at least 200 passengers. But it wasn’t a run-of-the-mill flight… something had gone terribly wrong and the plane was on a very quick downward descent. And I’m not talking about the kind of descent that would result in a gentle water landing… oh no… this was a hold-onto-your-seat-cushion-and-kiss-your-butt-goodbye kind of descent. The people on board were panicked, screaming and crying… they knew what was to come. In my vision, I saw a person rise from their seat and begin to speak to everyone on the plane. This person spoke with great eloquence… telling all within earshot of the gift of Jesus and how it didn’t matter what they had done in the past, or how long they had believed… that God’ kingdom was for everyone and all they had to do is believe. The person continued by asking the people if they would consider opening their hearts and souls to the Spirit. Ask Him to help them believe and accept God’s grace and love. The end of life as they knew it was not as important as the beginning of the life they could have in eternity with God.

I began to cry… even though it was only a vision. The words that this person spoke were so beautiful and true. And somehow an idea came to me… of God’s reasoning in this particular situation. Of the 200 passengers on board, only a few of them were true believers in Christ. Another handful were in various places on their spiritual walk… mostly just testing the water but not really committed to it. The rest… the majority of them were people who had no interest in God. They knew of Him, but were sure God didn’t have a place in their life at all. God, being all knowing as He is, already knew the ending of each of these people’s lives. He knew that it would take a major event to open their minds up to the possibility of Him. He knew that this was the situation they HAD to be in to save their souls. So He grasped the opportunity. He put the right words in the right person’s mouth and the result of which was… these people… the ones who God knew had no hope at eternal life with Him heard the words, opened their hearts, the Spirit came to them and… BAM! They were granted eternal life right before their death.

My tears increased as I sat in awe of this thought. I imagined the heartache and pain of those left behind in the wake of the disaster; husbands without wives, mothers without daughters, friends without their cherished confidants. It’s natural for those people to only see the tragedy in the death toll, and feel the gut wrenching emptiness that death presents to us on a silver platter. But what about the mercy and beauty in God’s perfect timing? What about the fact that our God is so loving that He doesn’t care how long we’ve believed… as long as we do?

So, the vision was over, or so I thought. I cleared my crying eyes and took a deep breath. Then I realized… the person who spoke on the plane of God’s open arms was… me. I rejoiced at the thought that God could use me in that way. Then some doubt wandered in, I asked myself if I would have the courage to stand up and say those things. I wondered if the right words would really come to me? After some thought I knew the truth and I told myself, “Yes! I would do that for God, I would stand up no matter how afraid I was and be that person!!!!” And then I realized… I had a flight in 3 days. On top of that, my child was flying with me. If this vision was for real… it would not only mean sacrificing myself… but my child.

Now, I don’t know how you feel about visions… I’m sort of on the fence myself. I’ve had some come true and some not. This one, all I can say is I was afraid of it. The thought occurred to me to cancel my trip, but I quickly realized that was the devil… messing with me. More than likely, this whole vision was the result of my prayer about how to answer the hard questions. And, it also was an opportunity to put my faith in action. I decided, I was getting on that plane no matter what. In fact, I was getting on every plane I ever needed to get on for the rest of my life. If God has this plan for me, I wasn’t going to run from it. I was reminded of the story of Jonah. God would put me right where He wanted me no matter what – it was up to me how much I kicked and screamed about it. In making the decision to trust God, I realized I had shut down the devil’s plan to make me a doubting coward. I laughed at him… he he he… sucker! Then I proceeded to tell my few trusted friends about it, just in case it happened… they would know.

I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous as I walked through the next two days. I had this strange yet calm feeling that I might not be around any longer. I rejoiced at the thought of being in heaven… then felt sad for my husband and how that would effect his life… and the thought of my son… ah, a dagger to my heart. But I looked to God and said… send me, I trust you.

The morning of my flight I got up and took my shower. Got dressed then went to brush my teeth. As I looked in the mirror, I said a prayer in my head. “God, if this should be my last day on this earth, let me be the best example for you I can be in everything I do…”

BAM!!!!

Shouldn’t that be my state of mind ALL THE TIME??? Shouldn’t that be my desire regardless of a vision or fear of impending death?? I mean, vision or not - this could be my last day... tomorrow could be my last day... who knows when it's gonna happen!!!! It was at that moment I felt like I understood what God was trying to teach me. Live everyday as if it’s your last… live every moment as though you can’t take it back… don’t let opportunities to do the right thing, share the truth or just be nice slip away!!! WOW!!!! Sure I’ve heard all that before, but this was something different… this was me going through the emotion of it all.

Okay, so I was still a little bit nervous about my flight… less nervous when I realized I was sitting in the window seat while the person in my vision was sitting in an aisle seat (phew). But there was an awful lot of turbulence on that flight, more than I had ever endured before. In the end, I sighed a giant sigh of relief once I made it to Virginia. And I was proud that I had allowed my faith to grow instead of chickening out… but mostly I felt enlightened by God and so encouraged by the way He not only answered my question but also showed me His heart. We truly never know His reasoning and we will never know what happened in those moments right before the tragedy. All we can do is believe that The Creator of the universe loves us and knows what He is doing. I have no doubt He wants every single one of us by His side in the end. A few days later, I realized I still had the fight home to contend with… but it was all good.

Dirtbag

I’m a dirtbag. Yes, it’s true. Thankfully, Jesus offered himself up so that my dirtbag status could be revoked. Unfortunately, I keep working really hard to re-attain the official title of “DIRTBAG.”

I’ve always believed that Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins but I don’t suppose I ever really understood what that meant. I just knew it was true. I realized this week that if you asked me “How exactly did Jesus’ dying on the cross actually save us from our sins?” I'd really have to think about it. Ultimately I'd probably have to answer that question with a very decisive, discerning “Because my Father said so!”

Guess what? I recently learned the answer. What’s funny is I didn't even realize I didn't know the answer until I learned what it was. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with just believing something without knowing the details, as long as we are Spirit-guided. In fact, for me, Bible study requires and incredible amount of blind faith since I recognize I am simply unable to comprehend the meaning of most scripture with my feeble human brain, and that is okay!

I was so excited when this particular blind faith “gap” was filled in with perfect understanding. So excited I just had to share it!!!!

Back in Jesus' time, crucifixion was only one of many ways in which criminals were executed. Each crime had its own type of punishment. For example, in Jewish law if a person committed blasphemy against God, they were to be stoned. The actual offense Jesus was “found guilty” of was blasphemy. According to the Jewish rules of execution, Jesus should have been stoned to death. So what happened? Well, the Romans decided to take it up a notch for Jesus, so they up’d the charges to make a point.

Crucifixion was seen as the most humiliating way for a criminal to die. It was an extremely public, torturous, drawn out process but that wasn't why it was considered the worst way to go. It was the worst way to go because of what it meant... if you were crucified it meant that you were cursed by God. Did you just read that? Cursed by God! Your sins were unforgivable and you had no hope for salvation. God had thrown you away like trash, you were an embarrassment to His kingdom and He had no use for you. You were burnt toast, and not even the kind you can scrape with a knife and still eat... you were the kind that stunk up the whole house and went straight to the Glad bag under the sink.

Wow... the King of Kings, the Son of Man, the Great I Am, the Way, the Truth, the Light, Jesus Christ – Son of the Father was sentenced to death, physical and spiritual... cursed by God, no hope for salvation, toast in the trash can when in reality, He was perfection.

I look at myself in the mirror after reviewing the 10 commandments and I say “oh crap!” Jesus told us the two most important commandments are “Love the Lord your God with all your heart” and “Love they neighbor as thyself” (Matt 22:36-40). The night before his crucifixion, Jesus made a slight change to that second one... he instructed us to love each other the way He loves us... with perfect love. (John 13: 34) I admit it, I am a failure at this (and so many other things). I require much forgiveness every single day. If there is anyone who deserves to be cursed by God... it is me... tacked up on a cross for all the world to see and spit on.

I am left in awe when the puzzle pieces come together and I see the strangely beautiful picture that shows me I WILL NEVER BE CURSED BY GOD…even though I deserve it more than I can ever fathom. This is all because Jesus took that curse on my behalf. It is only because of His perfect love and obedience that I have the chance to start over at anytime, asking God for a clean heart and a renewed Spirit.

It is so disappointing to me when I think about how selfish I am. I am faced with choices to do what I want to do or do what I know is right by God. I have gotten better at making these decisions but boy do I still fight it and still screw up. Even as I type this I am thinking about something that I really want – justifying why it would be okay for me to continue wanting it when I know the truth is... God is shaking His head and hoping I make the right decision. I have to be honest and say one of the thoughts that passed through my mind was that I could go ahead and do what I wanted because I knew God would forgive me. Wow, if that isn’t “dirtbagging”... I can't believe I even thought that (well, I can believe it because I’m wearing my “dirtbag” badge right now.)

Right now, I feel so human…so weak. The prayer I pray is this... “God, give me the strength to do what is right. Give me the strength to trade my dreams for Yours. Amen”

Again I am in awe that Jesus took that curse for me; a thankless, selfish dirtbag who is sitting here hemming and hawing over something so ridiculous that it amazes me I'd even put my salvation on the line for a second over it. Thank you Jesus for having the strength, conviction, and perfect selfless love to trade Your dreams for God's… without pause. It is because of You, I am loved and forgiven, regardless of the fact that I am a dirtbag.