The Crack

I'm a writer of Christian fiction... but not your average CF. No, my stories include sex, language, and real life situations that are relevant to today's world. The reason it is Christian is because I allow my characters to work through these issues in a Christian (or what I consider simply moral) manner as an example to society. I do this without shoving God at anyone. I feel I base the responses of my characters on basic morals... which in my life just so happen to be Christian.

I was picked up by a publisher called Maven Christian at the end of 2015. Since then we have been working hard at setting the groundwork for re-releasing all of my books and getting some new ones out there. I feel so blessed to be backed by people who are on the same page with me... they get what I'm doing and they support it full-force. Sex and all! It's amazing!

I've been pouring hours into a project lately that has been a lot of fun. I am doing something that to my knowledge has not been done before. My book 30 Below is going to be re-released soon and it will be perma-free for Kindle users. My project is that I am reading my book in a YouTube series - for free. This means that anyone with a computer can listen to my book - for free. Instead of it being an audio-book that is purchased, it is a streaming feed - for free - and you get the bonus of seeing my beautiful face and hearing my calm soothing voice (*cough* *cough*). I'm super excited about releasing these but they will have to wait for the official re-release of the book.

I've been loading the episodes on YouTube as private (so no one can see them yet) as I get them finished. I am up to episode 10 which is about 35% of the book. With the commentary I add at the end of each episode, the listening time is about 5 hours. When you add in the editing and grunt work of creating the video I'd say I have put an additional 90 minutes into it. Everything was going fine until the other day when I got a notice from YouTube stating they removed one of my episodes for inappropriate content. I was FLOORED. I went back and reviewed the episode to try and determine what was inappropriate about it. Yes, the book contains sex, it is ABOUT sex... love and sex and why God wants us to wait for marriage... but that particular section didn't have any sex in it. It had implied sex and the worst words were "wet" and "gratifying". I appealed the removal with the promise that all my videos would be marked as age-restricted and to my pleasure, they re-instated the video. Phew.

Today I put two new episodes up on YouTube and soon after, I received another notice from YouTube saying they removed another episode for inappropriate content. I marked is as age-restricted when I loaded it - so that wasn't it. So I went back and reviewed the episode. There was no sex or even implied sex, nothing that would be considered racy or wrong in any way. There weren't even any curse words. I don't get it! The things that are on television every night are far worse than my story. I seriously... am at a loss.

This was my second take-down so I received 1 strike against my account. If I get more, they can remove my channel from YouTube then all the work I have done is for nothing. I am trying to put some hope back into society - to help reinstate some morals that have been missing in our entertainment for far too long. It's like societies good sense and moral decency has gotten cracked so badly that we don't even distinguish right from wrong anymore. I wonder, does YouTube have something against morals? Do they enjoy making the crack bigger? Maybe they only want to put things out that are sure to make the crack bigger?

Here's the thing that KILLS me... as a writer of my type of Christian fiction I fall INTO this wonderful crack. On one side of the crevice are the hard core Christians who hate what I am doing and call my work "of the devil" and "soft porn" because they are offended by it. On the other side of the crack are the people who see the word "Christian" and make an assumption that it will be judgy, boring, unrealistic, and/or opinionated to the point they will no doubt be offended by it. And there I am looking up at the light from the bottom of the abyss... being passed over, ignored, and, yes, I get my share of hate mail - mostly from Christians (which I find hilarious). All the while, the moral integrity of our world is breaking down, crumbling beneath our feet and people don't even notice it.

Sometimes I just want to go hide under a rock down at the bottom of that pit and say "Forget it!"  I feel like I am fighting a losing battle and some days I am just tired of the fight. But, God gave me this mission, the talent, and the right people to partner with me so I have no choice but to do my best to see it through. I've been at this for over a year and a half now, I've done a lot of hard work, I've written 6 books and there are more on the way... but I don't have a lot to show for it... yet.  I know God will make things happen in the right timing and I just have to be patient.

So, go ahead hard-core Christians... send me your hate mail. I will continue to post it on my blog entitled "Hate Mail From Christians" as you too deserve to be heard. And go ahead YouTube - keep removing my content and giving me strikes... hell, remove my whole channel... I'll find another way to make it happen - why? Because it's God's will and nothing can stop that - even well meaning Christians and website "Community Guidelines". The world has always been cracked... from the moment of the bite of the apple and I'm not delusional enough to think I have enough caulk or grout to fix it... but what I can do is try to bridge the gap a little... and I suppose that's why I feel like I'm in the crack... because I am. To tell the truth, as hard as it is, there is no place I'd rather be.

Not My Life, Not My Baby

I haven't written anything in a long time and its not because I haven't had anything to say or even that I haven't thought God had anything He wanted me to share.  It's because I have been in a season of life these last months that have been very quiet.  A quiet season... never thought I would have one of those!  Probably because I have never sat still for long enough to ever even have more than a few days of quiet.  To think it has been nearly seven months of quiet... is crazy to me.

I remember feeling a loss of purpose around January 2012.  We had just settled in our new home in Wisconsin so life was very different.  I was happy, but all the change sort of tossed me into a place of not knowing what I was supposed to do next.  Brett had adjusted to school and new friends so quickly.  Plus was getting to that age of not really needing his mama so much that the load of motherhood seemed to be lightening enough that there was more "free-time" in my schedule than ever before. Ryan was happy working from home and being close to family, he was helping out a lot and seemed to not really need me as much either.  I hadn't had enough time here yet to make any close friends, those relationships were just beginning or maybe not even in the picture yet and I didn't feel as drawn to the recovery work I had been doing in Texas as I thought I would have.  I was happy and living without regrets yet feeling a bit lost, wondering what big job God had for me next.  I was kinda bored. I didn't really want to go out and get a job, but there was this hole that needed to be filled. I distinctly remember asking God to tell me what my new big purpose in life was.  I have to be honest though and say, I didn't really listen for an answer.  As bored as I felt, I was kind of enjoying not having to do much.  I didn't want it to change because it was comfortable.  What if my next purpose was going to stretch me or make me dive into something I really wasn't wanting to do?  It was kinda nice to be able to watch TV whenever I wanted to and not have any real obligations to attend to weekly.  It was kinda nice to feel freedom from any hustle and bustle.  Nice but also boring.  Maybe I could just get used to boring?.  That would be great.  "Hey God, scratch that request for a new purpose... I'll just chill over here and work on getting used to boring."

I thought I was generally happy, I really did.  But looking back I suppose I can see an emptiness building in me.  I was becoming more introverted, which any one who knows me knows that is not really who I am.  I was beginning to have these crazy mixed emotions of sadness at my boredom but then I'd get angry at my son or husband when I was interrupted from my boredom. I was participating in volunteer work and Bible study but it was always a struggle to actually make myself go. I thought I was content, but deep down I was nothing of the sort.

My world was rocked in May when I found out I was pregnant.  I was about to turn 40, had just found out I had fibroid tumors that needed to be removed and totally not on board with the whole idea of being mom again.  This baby was REALLY gonna get in the way of my life plan.  I didn't want my life to change, I didn't need my life to change and I didn't think there was any way I could handle starting over with kid number two again.  I was mad.  So mad... at my husband, at myself, at life but mostly at God.  How could He let this happen to me?  How could He do this to me at this point in my life??  Why God, what are you doing messing with my life???

Luckily, I have had enough experience in my spiritual life to recognize that being mad at God isn't a sin.  In fact, I talked to Him about how mad I was at Him often. I think that was the whole of my prayer life for many many weeks... me telling God how pissed I was at Him.  I became depressed and withdrawn.  I shriveled inward into myself not wanting anyone to touch me, talk to me or try to understand me.  I just wanted to be left alone.  Eventually, I turned to our new Pastor and asked him to meet with me.  I don't know why I did that, I mean I didn't really want help - I wanted to be miserable but my hand reached out and dialed the phone as if it had a mind of its own and once the appointment was made, I just went ahead and went.  He helped me realize that a better use of my anger would be to point it at satan, instead of everything else.  Thus the writing I posted on May 17th called "Mocked".  That was very cleansing to me.

From there my heart began to slowly (oh so slowly) open to God and His will for me.  I slowly began to realize that my stubborn need to be in control of my life was blocking God's will for my life.  I admitted to Him that I didn't really want His will, and asked Him to help me change that.  I've been around the block enough times to know that God's will is gonna be whether I want it or not, so it's a lot easier to just get on board and stop whining.  I had this notion that I was supposed to just have a total change of heart over night and be ready to go with a smile on my face the next day cheerfully announcing my commitment to God's will to the world - yeah!  But when I woke up and that wasn't my reality and I didn't have the energy to fake it, I was confused.  I was still so sad about this change God had for me.  So sad, to the point of despair.  Faith got me through though.  I've had some rough times in life and the experience of making it through those rough times with God's help led me to know... without doubt... that this rough time was going to be okay, even though I didn't like it.  I realized that even in my deep despair, I trusted God fully.  It was then my relationship with God began to change and become something it never had been before.  Intimate.  Quiet.  Nearly silent.  Effortless.  I began to let Him take care of me without worry of what I needed to do to earn it.  I stopped working so hard to achieve a relationship with Him.  I sat quietly, just me and Him, no need for words, just there together.  Me in His hand.

My husband began to worry that my relationship with God was slipping.  He was so used to me being a crusader for Christ and a loudmouth, hard working, go-go-go Christian that this quiet wife of his who barely even spoke of God was very concerning.  I assured him that he didn't need to worry, but I think he did anyway.  He had no idea what was churning inside me, and I didn't really either.

I was having no fun with this pregnancy at all!  I was very sick, throwing up almost every hour some days.  I found it difficult to eat, my digestive system was whacked and the pain from my fibroid tumors was so intense some days I would just cry and cry. I was miserable.  I began to wonder why I wasn't happy.  I mean I had this faith and trust in the Lord, wasn't that supposed to get me through this with a smile on my face and great attitude?  Then one day God popped Paul in my mind.  I imagined him sitting in prison and how miserable he must have been.  His faith was there, his trust was there... but it was a hard time and it is highly unlikely he was overflowing with sunshine everyday as he sat there.  I gave myself permission... actually I feel like God gave me permission to be miserable.  I decided to be okay with my miserable days but not let them make my whole life miserable.  There were good days and when I had them, I needed to make the most of them and be thankful.  By some miracle I was able to do that, without guilt.  Just me in God's hand.

Each stage of this pregnancy has been a challenge, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I don't know how God has done it, but He has ever so slowly changed me and my heart through this pregnancy for the good.  This baby has been a completely unexpected gift of new life... new life to me and new life to this little girl in my belly.  I am so very thankful for this gift now, so in awe of His plan and His will.  I hope I can hold on to these lessons for years to come.  I hope I can remember how much I get in the way of His will when I try to control my life.  I hope I will remember that my life is not my own at all, it is His fully... and my baby is not my own either, she is fully His as well.  Thank you for giving me people in my life to speak Your truth to me through this when I have needed it... Mary, Justin, Pastor Decker, Jess, Stephanie, Stef, Jen and Jenn. Thank you for the gift of my friend Cindy here in WI who has been  so very helpful in so many ways.  Thank you God for forcing me to step up to the plate.  Thank you for giving me this opportunity to follow Your will, truly lose myself so I can gain so much more of You.  Thank you for helping me turn my fears over to You as the devil tries to haunt me with them. Thank you for trusting me with another one of Your children.  She is very loved already even though she won't be here until Dec 19th! 

   

GREEN

I find it fairly funny that Ryan and I looked at so many houses and looked so carefully but somehow didn’t realize how much we hated the master bathroom in the house that we decided to purchase. We chuckle about it now… how did that happen? How did we not notice the nasty small tub and the ugly linoleum flooring, the broken rusted tub faucet, the 1970’s mirror, the horrible faded and chipped 1980’s fake wood cabinet above the toilet, the laminate countertop and worst of all, the 1980’s strip of 9 bulbous lights right above the mirror? How the heck did we not notice that? I suppose when we looked at the house as a whole, its imperfections faded to the background. And that isn’t such a bad thing, its just surprising to have moved in and then realize how much we hate something we use daily. Our hatred is so strong, we have decided to remodel it.

At first we were just going to do a few simple updates. I bought and installed new brushed nickel towel bars and toilet roll holder. I bought a new light fixture and went to put it up but the wall had not been painted behind the old fixture and there was no extra paint… so we had to wait. We were going to take the ugly above toilet cabinet down but they hadn’t painted behind that either – or the mirror. Turns out the cabinet and mirror were a custom size so there was no way to replace them without painting the entire room. So… since we were going to paint the whole room – why not do a more in-depth remodel. We’ve run into a few more snags…

After a long search for a countertop to fit our strangely sized cabinet, we ordered one we thought would be okay. It wasn’t exactly what we wanted but it was a small upgrade. We were excited to receive it via UPS but I thought it was strange the way the UPS drive left it and ran off as fast as he could. We opened the box and found our marble counter smashed into a million pieces inside the box. Ugh. We took a piece of it out and decided we didn’t really like it anyway so… return! We found one we like much better and it will be ready for pick up the first week of January.

We ordered new tile for the floor – its called “cliks”. It’s a floating tile that can be installed right overtop of your current floor. It seems like a good quality but easier solution to doing regular tile. It took a lot of work to figure out how to get the tiles to fit together right but I persevered and figured it out. We tested the water seal and it seems like its gonna be just fine. The one trick with this tile, is you have to start at a straight corner which we figured wouldn’t be a problem. Hmmmm… not so fast. Our bathroom doesn’t have a straight wall to start from. That’s right, the corners aren’t square, the walls aren’t straight… its very uneven! Not sure what we are going do with that yet but we’ll figure something out. The easy tile isn’t gonna be so easy after all.

We decided to keep our tub but replace the fixtures with new more modern brushed nickel ones. But, we accidentally cracked the water pipe in the wall behind the shower when trying to remove the faucet cover. It was corroded and we used a bit too much muscle. It was a Saturday… so no plumbers available until Monday. We had to turn the water off in our house for the weekend and go stay with the in-laws for a few days. We had to cut out a big hole in the wall of the guest room so the plumber could access the pipes AND the ceiling in the living room now has a nice water stain. Oh boy.

A few hundred dollars later, the plumbing was fixed and the new shower fixtures were installed, mind you we still have the drywall in the guest room to replace and the living room ceiling to repair. But the finished work looked so pretty and the shower head we picked was a nice big rain shower with a few different settings. I couldn’t wait to try this thing out, after all the old one was weak! I was less than impressed with my shower experience though. It seemed this shower head was in need of some Viagra. The water came out strong, but then just drop to the shower floor… no power at all. It was actually worse than the one before. I was very disappointed. Worse, when Ryan asked me how I liked it, I felt bad telling him I didn’t think it was very good.

That night, my father-in-law came over to help Ryan do a few things and we showed him the disappointing shower. He tinkered with it awhile to see if there was something wrong or if there was something could be adjusted. He said we might need to go back to a small shower head but he kept fiddling with it. A few minutes later, he came out of our bathroom and said, “I fixed it!” I went to check it out and saw that he had fixed it. The water was shooting out with power now, the way it should have been. I asked him what he did and he handed me a piece of plastic the size of a penny with a small hole in the center of it. He proceeded to tell me that he had removed this piece of plastic from the showerhead. It had been purposely placed in the showerhead by the manufacturer to reduce the water flow.  This piece of plastic made it possible for the company to call this a “green” showerhead, and we know how everything has to be "green" these days!

Standing in my the bathroom I looked at little tiny “green” hole in the plastic and then compared it to the size of the showerhead. I imagined all that water having to be squeezed through that little opening and it made me laugh. No wonder the water was limping out! I turned and noticed the plaque on my wall. It says:

In my life I always try really hard to understand why things happen, why I feel the way I feel, what could I do differently, how can I make sense of this, that or the other… I am an analyzer.  I realized as I stood there that my analysis of things is making me a “green” follower of Jesus. The more I try to make sense of things, understand the world, myself or my feelings or even force myself to understand scripture… the more limp my faith becomes.  I mean there’s God with all His power, might, knowledge, and control and I step in and try to understand it all. My understanding is just like that piece of plastic… it means well but in the end, it reduces the flow of God’s power into my life.  I'm not trusting the Lord when I decide I must have the answer to everything.  I'm not trusting God when I try to control the flow of life and people. And faith is all about not knowing, not having control, not understanding but still believing no matter what.   I’d be so much better off to do what scripture says and just stop leaning on my own understanding!

I’ve felt a little down since yesterday and I have to honest and say I have no idea why I feel down. There doesn’t seem to be a reason for it. As I was walking home from taking Brett to school this morning I was trying to analyze my emotions so I could fix them… and then I remembered that little piece of plastic. I said to myself, “Wendy, stop being green – let God’s power flow with all its might!” I decided to just let God handle it…to trust Him…to just go with the flow and see what happens.

As for the rest of our bathroom renovation… I'm sure we will run into many other snags.  Stuff will get broken, we will change our minds, hauling out the old junk will require heavy lifting... but I’m glad we decided to do more than just a few cosmetic fixes. Surface work has never worked very well for me… the good stuff in my life has always required major renovation.... mind, body and spirit.