Beaten Isn't the Reas'n

Humility… something all of us humans are supposed to strive for. When I first entered recovery, I was told I needed to find some humility. At first I was totally offended. I was confused because I really thought I already had humility. After all, I knew I was one of the lowest life forms on the planet. I knew that everyone was better than me. I knew there was no way God could ever forgive my sins – they were too big, too bad and too unforgivable. I felt I already was as humble as I could get – in fact, I wondered if perhaps I was a little bit too humble. I had been told my whole life I was supposed to be humble, but I had also been told that to truly love someone else I needed to first love myself. I was so humble that I didn’t love myself at all.

Sobriety has taught me many things about humility and as it turned out… I had a horribly misconstrued conception of what humility was. Whenever I thought about the picture of humility, I saw Jesus. But the picture of Jesus that I would see wasn’t of Him teaching others, or healing people, or praying… it was the picture of Jesus being tortured and beaten – bloody from head to toe at the hand of his accusers as He prepared to be nailed to the cross. Yes, Jesus was the perfect picture of humility and He let people beat the crap out of Him, even though He didn’t deserve it at all.

So it only made sense; being beaten = humility. I think there might be a lot of us walking around this world thinking the very same thing. We think being humble means we are supposed to be, act or feel lower than the people around us. We think we are supposed to sacrifice our own natural desires and needs in a grand act of martyr-ism so we can come out on the other end feeling like the humble hero. But… what ends up happening, is we feel used and abused by others and we get angry for not being appreciated.

For me, I would wonder, “if humility is so great… why do I feel so insignificant and powerless when it’s all said and done?” I would then turn back to my thoughts of Jesus and how He didn’t complain about being beaten. I’d think, “Buck up camper… Jesus did it and His situation was so much worse! I just need to try harder to be humble and just accept that it sucks without complaining.” In my inability to accept the suck-i-ness, I would feel like a disappointment to God and become overwhelmed with a feeling of selfishness… and I’d beat myself up for my failure. My anger then extended outwards to others for not noticing my pain or appreciating my so-called sacrifices. That anger grew and grew… and the cycle continued.

One day, I was at an AA meeting complaining about the cycle I just explained. A gentleman came up to me privately after the meeting and told me I had it all wrong. He said I wasn’t being humble at all…he went on to tell me I was being extremely selfish. It has taken me a long time to understand what he meant… but I’m finally getting it… and he was right. I have never been humble… I have always been selfish.

Humility isn’t about making myself lowly. It isn’t about being a martyr. It’s not about being beaten by myself or others. Humility is not about powerlessness… in fact, humility is the most powerful trait anyone can possess. That’s right… to be humble is to be full of power. Humility is pure power… but… it is power under control.

Go back to that picture of Jesus I shared with you. He was sacrificing himself, giving His blood for our freedom. He was being beaten and taunted. He was in physical pain we can not even imagine but… His sacrifice, His spilled blood, His pulsing wounds, His emotional torment was NOT why He was humble. He was humble because He, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords contained within Himself the power to stop what was happening to Him. He could have broken free and whooped some major butt at any given time but instead… He kept His power contained and under control. He knew who He was, He knew what His purpose was, He knew what God wanted from Him and He knew why it was so important… He was confident, He was powerful and… His control of those things was what made Him humble.

Those who successfully find true humility know who they are. They are confident in who God has made them to be (and they know the growth must continue… it is not a destination). They know their mission, their purpose and they aren’t looking to be a martyr or to be appreciated. They do what they do out of obedience to God because they know He has an important reason for sending them down a certain path. They are full of God’s power… but they hold it deeply in their soul, with delicate and definite control. I’m sure for them, humility comes and goes, for it wouldn’t be in our nature at all to have it together all the time. That’s why I believe humility can only be accomplished with the help of God. Maybe one day I will actually get to feel what humility truly is… but for now, I’m just working towards it. And I am so very glad to finally understand that I don’t have to be lowly, powerless, beaten or unappreciated to be on the pathway to humility.

Walking Across the Stage

If you’ve read my recent post, you know that I’ve had a problem with humility lately. I’ve prayed for a way to clean that up. Writing the article “Beyond the Glitz and Glam” was one of the ways I decided to humble myself. We are directed by the Bible to share our struggles, our failures as well as our triumphs with one another so that we might help one another. I’ve continued to pray for humility. In one prayer I think I actually asked for a “stage” to correct the lack of humility problem in my heart. Well, today, God gave me that stage, literally.

I was asked to take part in a portion of a church celebration gathering where a group of us would write one of our biggest regrets or issues on a giant piece of poster board. We were to carry it to center stage and show it to the audience, bearing our weakness for all to see. When I was asked, I immediately said yes… but as the week began to come to a close, I started to wonder if I really wanted to do it. That was my ego talking (imagine that). This morning, I was handed the poster and giant sharpie and it was time.

Today, I stood in front of approximately 400 people with a sign that displayed the most current and biggest failure in my Christian walk. It was painful, but I wrote this word on my sign:

EGO

The joyous part is that I got to turn the poster over and reveal my resolve:

I AM SECOND

It is only though the grace of God that I am able to hold my head high and smile despite my grand failures. Thank you to those 400 people who allowed me to stand before them and admit who I am. Thank you God for loving me anyway, may You always be first!

Beyond the Glitz and Glam

It’s amazing to me how when I put myself in the Word of God with other people (that second part is so important) how God finds the perfect way to answer my questions or heal my wounds. Don’t get me wrong, studying the Bible alone is great, but when I say being with others while in the Word is important, I mean it. I have learned significant lessons from others in every single Bible study I have been a part of. It’s not necessarily that they themselves knew anything particularly awesome or insightful, it’s that God’s Spirit was able to use their mouths to say His words to touch me right where I needed to me touched. When one studies the Bible alone, God doesn’t get that opportunity. I’ve heard Him time and time again in small rooms filled with regular sinners just like me who think they have no business being there. This phenomenon always leaves me in awe.

The last month has been rough for me. Part of it has no doubt been due to a hormonal flux related to a medical issue but a bigger part of it is simply put, my own darn fault. This recovering alcoholic got a little too comfortable with herself and her own will. She got confident in matters that no one should ever be confident in. She was riding proudly upon her high-horse and lost her humility. I’m not gonna lie, pride and humility are big issues for me so I have to keep them in check. Unfortunately I let my checks and balance sheet fall on the floor and get shoved under the nightstand along with some dust-bunnies and a few lost socks.

My pride is always matched with simultaneous insecurity – it’s an alcoholic trait and I have to say, if there is anything I am good at it’s being a classic alcoholic, even though I haven’t had a drink in years. Walking around with incredible insecurity covered up by great pride can only result in one thing for me… crash and burn, bottom-of-the-barrel self-loathing and depression. Yep… so that’s where I was headed… faster than you can say… stupid girl. I was filled with anxiety and every little issue in my life was becoming a Goliath sized obstacle I felt I would never be able to tackle. I remember crying because an ice cube fell out of the ice tray and onto my foot (ouch). I was sure it was some sort of demonic personal attack when in reality; it was just gravity and bad timing. My pride was trumping my faith.

Only by the grace of God, and the beautiful way Jesus and the Spirit intercede on our behalf when we are speechless was I able to make a cry for help before it was too late. My cry was also heard by “my prayer partner troop” who quickly marched in and surrounded me with prayers of protection and awareness. I’m thankful that my pride didn’t keep me from sending out that prayer request e-mail to my trusted friends because the power of prayer in times of need is… overwhelming.

My anxiety subsided almost immediately but what remained was disappointment in myself that I had failed God yet again. I was sad, sorry and humbled… humbled to the point I didn’t feel worthy of the love of God. What a terrible feeling that is… and a selfish one too. Who am I to decide God can’t love me?

I waited until the last minute to prepare for my Bible study because that’s what I do when life is rough, put off all the things that I know are good for me… stupid girl. The lesson was John 13:1 – 14:14. It’s the part where Jesus takes the disciples to the upper room for the last supper and tries to prepare them for His pending death. As I read and answered the questions I saw something I had never seen before. The disciples were kind of ticking me off. In my little mind they seemed far more concerned with the glitz and glam of being one of Jesus’ chosen few. It seemed they expected Him to do something amazing like kill all of their enemies with the wink of an eye… then they’d be left standing with smirks on their faces as if they had done it themselves. I got a bit judgmental (another flaw of mine) thinking all they cared about was being in His presence and feeling special. Through the ladies in my study group, the Spirit quickly reminded that the disciples had no idea what was to come so I should cut them a break. Even as Jesus was trying to tell them, they just weren’t getting it.

The Maundy Thursday message (the last supper message) was a new command (that’s what Maundy means)… Jesus told them to “love one another as I have loved you.” This was their new commandment, if you will. I imagine them sitting there staring at Him with blank faces saying, “Huh? What do you mean??”

In the closing message of our Bible study, God’s spirit spoke to me through our leader, whose name is Mary. Mary told me (she was talking to everyone but I swear it was just for me) that the disciples got all wrapped up in pride. None of them wanted to pick up the basin to wash the feet that night because none of them wanted to be the lowest man on the totem pole. (As the story goes, Jesus ended up doing that dirty job but with the ultimate servant’s heart.) Earlier, the 12 were griping among themselves about who Jesus loved the most and that night when Jesus told them He was going to be leaving them… oh they just couldn’t handle it. Their pride wanted to stay with Him so they could continue to be special.

In that moment, it all came clear in my head. I realized if I had been in the room that night, I wouldn’t have gotten it either. I would have been just like them, enjoying the rush and attention of being with a very wanted, powerful guy. I would have been a groupy, hanging on every word most likely for the wrong reasons. I would have been wanting Jesus to squash all those who had wronged me, just because He could. Pride would have ruined everything… and that was exactly what I had just been doing in my own life. I was just like them, prideful and missing the point. I needed to be humbled.

That’s when the Spirit guided Mary to say, “Any of you who love the Lord your God, know that you will always be His. Once you are His, you are always His.” It was then I realized that my human failure wasn’t a reason for God to disown me or stop loving me. Of course I knew that already, but I had somehow forgotten it... in my human wisdom. I am so thankful I was reminded that He will always love me, for I am His. Finally, I was able to forgive myself, again. Temporary pride didn't make me a bad person... just like it didn't make the disciples bad people either. I am so comforted by the fact that God filled the Bible with people just like me!

Committed to finding humility, I washed my husband’s feet that night. It was a very cool experience, if you’ve never done that…read John 13: 1-17 then give it a try. Humility is a job for me, a full time job. Knowing this, I must be diligent and not let my checklist float to the floor and rest with the dust-bunnies.

When the Fight Becomes Natural

I had an awareness come upon me this Christmas that humbled me. As I share this story, it is my hope that you will read it knowing that I do not say it to brag. In fact, none of the thoughts and stories I write and share with you are meant to brag and they are definitely not the things I innately want to write. If you want to read things that I want to write about, you should read my book Desco. No, this isn't a shameless plug to boost sales for I will gladly let you read Desco for free but I do that cringing since I don't think anyone who read it walked away feeling like a better person for it. But I suppose that is my point, the things that I write because I want to write them are essentially crap. The other things that I write, like this... I write because the Spirit tells me to. So, my bragging rights belong to God... He is the one who does the hard work. He just tells me what to share and when.

Whenever I am getting ready to head to the East coast, I always get a little anxious. I think it is mostly because the old places tend to remind me of old behavior (in my case that is super selfishness along with drunkenness). As I prepared to travel home to Virginia for Christmas this year, I was reminded of one of my favorite verses from the Bible, “Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor” (Matthew 13:57). Jesus himself experienced what it was like to not be able to overcome what the people who think they know you will allow you to become. I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus or saying I am any type of prophet. I am just saying, it is comforting to know that Jesus knew what it felt like to go back home after miraculous things had begun within him. I can't say I blame my old friends or my family members for perhaps being annoyed by my “new life.” They have seen me at my worst so... how could I change so drastically? How could it possibly be real? Only God knows and thankfully, His opinion is the only one that matters! I rejoice in that.

There is some petty ugliness to this story, its called human nature. But there is also some triumph... and that part is called God's nature. But let’s get on with it. We went to my parents’ church on Christmas Eve. I've been there a few times before but it isn't my church so it's not in my comfort zone. Here is a little known fact about me that might shock you who know me fairly well... I actually have a touch of social anxiety disorder so when I am out of my comfort zone I tend to get sweaty and uncomfortable. We got to church early but there were already a lot of people there. We picked a row and sat down. Because of my anxiety, I like to sit on the end of the row, that way there is a reduced chance of having to sit next to a stranger. There were 5 of us so we spread out and took up the whole row. In my head I sighed (phew... I don't have to sit with anyone I don't know and I can just spread out and be comfortable – ahhhh.” As the church filled up my conscience began to pick at me telling me that I was selfish for taking up the whole row when we could have easily slid down and made room for more people. My brain dismissed the thought quickly, determined to stay exactly where I was; fat, comfortable and selfish.

The next thing I knew I was standing up telling my parent to slide down. I was picking up all our coats off the pew and placing them in a better place to make more room. That made room for one or two more people in the row, open right next to me. In my head I really didn't want to sit next to a stranger but I had made the change anyway. I don't know why or how it happened – my body just did it as if on autopilot.

On Christmas day, after all the presents were opened and it was time to get the food going, I had the thought of how nice it would be to just sit back and enjoy my new “stuff” while awaiting the grand feast. I could sit back in a comfy cloud of laziness awaiting dinner to be served. That sounded way more fun than helping (also known as working) in the kitchen. My sister and mom were starting to get to work as this thought came to me, “they don't need me, they can do it themselves. I'll just be in the way.” The next thing I knew, again with the autopilot thing, I found myself standing in the kitchen asking my mom what I could do to help. I remember thinking, “What are you doing Wendy... you're going to ruin your own lazy fun.” I ended up helping/working a lot to get the Christmas meal on the table yet I still had time to play with my new stuff later.

Later in the evening, long after the food coma had passed, the kids were playing whiffle-ball in the backyard with my husband. They were having a great time but I didn't join in, it was too cold for me! I remember thinking, they better clean up after themselves because I'm sure not gonna go out there and pick up all those balls, bats and plates. After my sister's family headed home for the night, I peaked outside. Guess what... the kids (I include my husband in that group) had not picked up their toys. All of it was strewn about the yard beginning to collect frost in the 31 degree night. I grinned internally with an evil laugh going, “he he he... I'm so glad I don't have to clean that up... it's cold out there!” A little while later I took my dog outside to “do her thing.” The next thing I knew... autopilot had taken over again and I was out there picking up after those darn kiddos. I had a smile on my face too.

It wasn't until the day after Christmas that these three things piled up together in my head and I realized I was actually making progress with my selfishness. I have to be honest with you. Now that I am aware of my ability to fight selfishness and find success and now that I am aware that it is becoming more natural for me... there is this part of me that says, “Darn it!” Why you ask? Well, it's because now I know... I have no choice but to be more responsible for my own actions. It is my job, if you will, to try to continue to defeat my selfishness with even more intention. I must not rest on my laurels for a moment! I shall not stop to pat myself on the back (at least not for too long). You know what they say, if you're not moving forward you are moving backwards. Now that I know I can successfully fight my petty selfishness, I have a responsibility to keep it up. I reiterate “Darn it!” I have no excuse for laziness! Of course I know I will never be perfect and I will never defeat all my selfishness because I am human. But since the whole point of the Christian journey is to become more Christ like, I recognize that I can't just sit back and be satisfied with the progress I currently have made. I need always aspire to be more like Christ. I am overcome with a feeling of responsibility. At one point as I thought about this it actually felt like a burden. Quickly I was reminded of another one of my favorite verses. Jesus said, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I have confirmation! My feelings are justified the burden is real... but if I let Jesus lead, if I stop kicking like a stubborn mule (I really wanted to use the word 'ass' here because that’s what I am a lot of the time), the burden becomes light. When I think of it that way and realize that Jesus is ready, able and willing to guide me through it, that burden miraculously becomes an honor. Today it is my honor to share this with you. I thank you Spirit for changing this 'donkey's behind' into a useful tool.