I'm a Hole Digger and I Don't Mind

I've been really hard on myself lately... feeling like I'm not good enough and my mistakes are shining in bright lights for everyone to see and judge. The self-confidence I gained a while back has settled back towards my old normal. I didn't realize it until yesterday when someone told me how nice I am... and how much they appreciate my kindness.  I blew it off at first then I realized... I'm sliding backwards and I need to work on it to make sure I don't settle into "comfortable" again... because  my comfortable is not what God wants me to see in myself.

I thought about the journey I have been on since God saved me from my own personal hell... and it's amazing to see how He has provided for me at every turn... I mean amazing. Every step has been a step towards His grand plan in my life. With each amazing skill He has taught me... from the incredible way He got me Photoshop for free AND taught me how to use it, the education He provided to me on investigation and criminal justice, the wisdom He granted me about addiction and how to face it, to the amazing way He turned a mousey, shy, scared girl into a dynamic public speaker... I have made a promise to earnestly give those skills back to others in a way which hopefully shows the loving hands of God.

As I thought, I realized... I have done a pretty good job at fulfilling that promise... with exactly who He has called me to extend it to. As I have walked through life, God continues to shine a light on certain people I come across and it's so immediate when I meet them... it is crazy. I know in an instant... this is a person I am meant to invest in for God's sake. It has happened time and time again and the only thing they all have in common is... it is only for a time and I most likely won't get to see the big plan come to fruition. This makes me a little sad, as I would love to remain close to all those I care for... but I suppose I just have to accept... I'm a hole digger for the seeds God plants. The beautiful vine with its glorious flowers is not necessarily mine to see.

Here's how it has worked thus far... I meet someone and become keenly aware of the fact that God has a big plan for them and I just go... support... love... give of my God given skills and then when my part is done... there is a very subtle separation that is positive and leaves me with only fond memories. I hope the people this has happened with feel the same way. I hope. I continue to have light contact with most of them, though... which is nice. All of these people have been extremely different... no consistency what-so-ever...

• A 6 year old boy in the foster care system who deserved far more than he was given (and he got it! I will be writing his story when the time is right)
• A beautiful young lonely missionary whose dream was to have a family one day (and she got it!)
• A sarcastic real estate agent who needed a friend to tell him the truth (and he gives the truth back to me all the time now)
• A beautiful Sioux Indian who needed someone to believe in her and give her a chance to get on her own two feet (She is on those feet now and doing well)
• A man in prison for murder who needed to be told of God's love and forgiveness... that he too could still enter heaven if he would believe (He changed his plea to guilty to accept responsibility with the hope God will see his heart)

There is a new one now... and I have no idea God's purpose or if there is even anything this person truly needs but I will do my best with what I have been given.

It has been amazing how God has placed these people in my life... I mean every single one of them could have very easily been a passing hello... a there-one-minute-gone-the-next forgotten memory in a busy self-involved world. I am so thankful God first provided me with the skills... then gave me the spirit to listen and be obedient. I am humbled and awed as I think about it... and it makes me realize...

I'm not so bad after all!

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror... I saw a woman... no make up - just me and I saw beauty. Thank you God for allowing me to see what You see. Help me continue to see clearly and help me continue to give back what You have graced me with.

Take a moment today to be aware... really SEE those around you. Maybe one of them needs something as simple as a smile.

They Don't Have the Genre I Need

I made a new cover for my book "30 Below" and oh how I love it. It says everything I want it to say!!!! A big shout out to Pastor Matthew Noyce in Antigua for allowing me to use his ring picture! THANK YOU!!!!

But on with the story.... yesterday I was prepping for the release of my new book by getting it signed up for Pre-Order status on Kindle. I was super excited to do this... until... I had to pick my genre categories. Ugh. Let me share with you how it went down in my little ole head...

Before I begin - here is a reminder of what the content warning says:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Fiction. Yes, it is definitely fiction... click
   Christian. Yes, it is about God's plan & He did ask me to write it... click
       General. The best choice for what's left. Too bad they don't have an EDGY category... click

Hmmmm... do I really want to put this book in Christian fiction? I don't know? Do I? I mean it has that content warning so my hate mail will be reduced... but maybe because of the content warning no Christian fiction readers will buy it. Then I will feel like a loser because no one is going to buy my book.

(delete genre categories... start over)

Fiction. Yes it is still definitely fiction... click
   Romance. Yes, it is about love and sex... click
       Erotica. Hmmm, is it erotica? It has a lot of sex but is it erotica???  DELETE
       General. That is safe... click

Hmmmm... Do I really want to remove the Christian aspect of it in my genre? I mean I am writing this for the Lord. If I remove that am I some how not showing my pride in doing this for Him? Am I backing off what I believe? It does have that content warning... so I am telling people it is about God and the write up clearly states this is about God. I'm good with that. I'm not backing down. But wait... the average romance reader is probably not going to want a lesson about God mixed in with their sex. They won't buy my book, they will think they are going to be condemned. Maybe I should remove the part of the content warning that says it's about God... but it is about God. I can't remove it! I'm not condemning anybody at all... it's just a story about love, sex and God's design. A hot story, yes. Hmmmm.... 

(delete genre categories... start over)

Fiction. Yes, this is one thing I know for sure... click
   Christian. Yes, God wants Christians to read this...
                  but I might get hate mail. I can't handle hate mail,
                  but maybe He wants other people to read it too DELETE
   Romance. Yes, God wants typical readers to read this...
                  but they might get mad, not wanting to hear about God's plan
                  but it's in the write up so they can choose if they want to buy it or not

Crap. Nobody is going to buy this book. Not the Christians, not the average romance reader. Nobody. Why did I even write it? Forget it. Maybe this was a bad idea... meshing a Christian message with a sexy, love book. Who do I think I am???

Hmmmm... remember that weekend when my husband and I went away and wanted to read a good steamy book together? We did a search for 'hot, romantic book with married couple'.  Remember how many books were returned in that search? ZERO!!!! And I don't think it's because married Christians aren't reading sexy books... it's just that no one has written a sexy Christian book about marriage. I mean the world thinks marriage is the end of sex. And a lot of Christians think sex shouldn't be discussed... at all!  Once you're married, it's over. But that is simply not true. Marriage is supposed to be the beginning. And I'm here to say... married sex can be GREAT sex. I'm sure there are other married Christians out there who would like to read a good, hot, steamy book about a married couple who deals with stuff married people deal with. I am sick to death of all the disrespectful sex... I want to give people some respectful sex to read about! 

That's why I wrote it. Yes, that's why He had me write it.

Deep Breath.

So what the heck is my genre? They don't have the one I need...  Fiction>Christian>Married Erotica 
That's just funny. Ha Ha.

Okay, so that is where my mind was... and here is what I ended up doing. I chose two. I decided if I don't sell any books, that is okay. God knows what to do with it, I just have to be obedient and I'm gonna be honest, writing this series has been a ton of fun. And my husband has enjoyed it too ;)

Fiction>Christian>Romance
 and
Fiction>Romance>General

The content warning remains and... that's all she wrote. Who knew this would be so difficult? I can only choose one genre for the paperback, so I have no clue which I will choose yet. I have some time! Sept 15th is the release date. I'd love to hear your comments and thoughts on which YOU would choose.

Today, the Kindle version of  "30 Below" went up for Pre-Sale. Here is the link if you are interested in supporting what I am TRYING to do :)   http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00MQIK26Q

Can't wait to see what God is going to do!!!

If you're interested in reading the preview... here ya go!30 Below Preivew 

Content Warning!

I am so thankful my book "As Is" has been such a success. I honestly never dreamed it would happen like this but when God is involved... anything can happen. I know He will continue to get it out there to the people who it can impact. THANK YOU to all my readers! I'm little known so it means a lot to have your support.

My next book, "30 Below" is about a couple (Lucas and Faith) who meet and are immediately attracted to each other in a way neither had felt before. The sexual electricity between them forces a decision to be made... Do they act on it? Or wait?  You'll have to read it to find out what happens... I think their 100 day journey will be a surprise to you, for several reasons.

Yes, it's about SEX!!! Quite a bit different from "As Is" and it is because of this difference I am going to be placing a "Content Warning" in the write up and in the front of the book. Here's what it's going to say:

CONTENT WARNING:

While this book is Christian in theme, it contains strong sexual content and language.

Here's what you may be thinking: a Christian theme? With strong sexual content? And language? What are you thinking Wendy? Watch out for the lightening!

Yep, you read that correctly. I would very much like to explain myself and the goal God gave me with this book. Regarding sex, I think religion in general has done a great disservice to it's followers in the past. In trying to get the youth of the world to respect sex and wait for marriage I feel they have painted an ugly picture of sex making it seem scary, bad, gross, wrong, sinful and not pleasing to God. While I understand this was not the original intent of the teachings, that seems to be how it has been received. I can't tell you how many churched people within my generation and prior agree with me on this. As today's society has drifted away from the church, what I believe has happened is... the fear this teaching has developed about sex has disappeared in our youth and this is why the generations coming up are so sex crazed. I could be totally wrong - but that is my theory. It saddens me that we seem to either be uptight about sex or totally loose about it - there doesn't seem to be a middle, healthy ground.

With the release of so many fiction 'erotica' books about dominating males with a secret past demanding various sexual pleasures from beautiful, impressionable ladies, I think most of us have read at least one of them. Yes, I have. Yes, I have enjoyed them to a point HOWEVER one thing which really bothers me about the whole fad is this: the respect that I believe two people who truly care about each other should have for one another in their sexual relationship is VOID.  It is for this reason, I wanted to make a statement. "30 Below" is my statement. Yes, I wrote lots of sex, yes I made it steamy and hot. Yes, there is cursing... but not one four letter "f" word! I have a great plot that puts it all together so it's not just frivolous sex... but I did all of that respectfully. Whether my characters end up choosing to "go at it" right away or to wait until they are married... they respect each other all along the way.

I don't care if you're in love, I don't care if both people are into it... I believe whole-heartedly, if you are demeaning your partner with either words or actions in the throes of passion - you are doing them and sex a great disservice. I speak from experience here. You can think you like something and are okay with it... then when you least expect it... BAM! It is suddenly not cool and can cause deep shame. Sex was meant to be an act of love shared between two married people; meaning two people who are already 100% committed to each other. God created it that way for a reason.

I want to be clear... my book does NOT condemn those who choose sex outside of marriage. We all know that a relationship can turn into a marriage (or even un-wedded co-habitation) and work out just fine when a couple goes for it beforehand. It's just... perhaps a little more complicated to do it out of order. This was another reason I wrote this book.

The last reason I will share with you in this blog that I wrote this book is simple. Sex is not bad. Sex is not dirty or gross. It's not displeasing to the Lord. In fact... He created it! Therefore it is holy. And when it is used properly, with love and thoughts of God being part of the union... it is glorious and completely, utterly pleasing to Him. It is for this reason, "30 Below" turned into a series called Degrees of Discernment. "Above 60" is next, coming out in December 2014 and it will dive into the wonderful world of sex within marriage... as well as some other things God tossed in there for good measure. "360 Degrees" will be out in March 2015. Each book is its own story with its own plot and full closure so they do not require each other as companions to make sense. It's an amazing journey... and I hope you will take with me, regardless of the CONTENT WARNING!

 Blessing to your days and nights! Be good to one another!

30 Below - To be published September 15th!!!

Shoulders Back, Head Held High

I got a wonderful Mother's Day surprise this year... and it was a surprise to my husband and kids too!  While I was greeted with the typical breakfast in bed in the morning and given a card made at school as well as a purse, my real gift... the one that meant the most to me was time.  The time I was given has resulted in a MAJOR change in how I feel about myself.  Let me explain.

Ryan purchased me an ebook about a month ago.  He gave it to me so I could escape into a fictional world that was not of my own building.  He hoped I would read it on vacation in Florida, but that vacation really wasn't conducive to reading.  The Friday night of Mother's Day weekend Ryan asked me if I had started the book yet, and that reminded me I had it so I went ahead and started it before heading to bed.   Quickly, I was immersed in another world... one that wooed me in a very surprising way.

It was a love story... okay maybe not love at first... a lust story with two very powerful main characters with lots of issues.  A few pages into it I read something that totally shocked me and looked over at my husband saying, "What did you buy me???"  His eyes got big as he replied. "I don't know, I read a review and it sounded like you might like it. Why?"  I proceeded to read the part that shocked me aloud to him and he was shocked as well and quickly apologized for getting me this book.

I am a survivor of a sexual trauma and because of this I am very "delicate" when it comes to things that are sexual in nature.  Not long ago I would have closed the book in disgust and then spent the next few days fighting an internal battle of anxiety and repulsion because of the story's raw sexuality and the extremely crude way it explained things.  But for a reason, unknown to me at the time... I was able to keep reading without a problem.  I was shocked.

Quickly, the full plot of the story came into view.  It was about a man and a women, both survivors of sexual trauma (molestation and rape),  and how they had to work through their personal issues with their past in order to be able to truly love each other.  It was a very interesting, passionate, well written piece of fiction that I recognized as being done by an author who either had experienced sexual trauma herself or did a tremendous amount of research to be able to write it's aftermath so correctly and vividly.  I finished the book by Saturday afternoon, unable to put it down and I discovered that the story was actually a trilogy.  Ryan purchased the second ebook for me immediately and I dove in right away.

Book two was a hard read for me as it dealt with the specifics of the sexual traumas as well as the characters realizing how broken they were and how much work it would take to fix it.  I spent nearly all day Mother's Day reading.  The story nearly ripped my heart out as I read... feeling all of the emotions they felt because I had been there and in some ways... realized I was still there.  I don't think I cried, but I hurt and by the end of the book things were very unresolved and I felt sick to my stomach.  I was glad there was a third book because I needed to feel better... and I felt stuck in a bad place.  The book had me remembering some of my past habits that I have worked so hard to break free from... and it had a part of me desiring to go back there and be like that again.  I prayed for God to protect me, and He did but it was a very uncomfortable feeling.  It brought forward a lot of memories I'd just assume forget and showed me some things I hadn't even realized before.  Ryan purchased book three for me Sunday night and I started it right away, hoping for resolve.

Book three was just what I needed.  Resolutions were found and things began to come together for them as a couple,  they beat the crap out of some of their demons and were actually happy.  Personally, I realized the reasons for some of my behaviors and had a cathartic moment over something I had no clue about. It was amazing.  The book ended very abruptly with a lot of open ends and missing info about other story lines - but it closed up the hole I needed closed and I felt total relief when I finished it.  There is supposed to be a fourth book, but it has yet to be released.  Personally, I'm not sure I NEED to read it as I was able to get what I needed out of it already - but I might read it just for fun.

So, I essentially read three books in three and a half days.   I was a woman obsessed.  I've never done that before!   Earlier I said that I was surprised I was able to continue reading, but was able to for a reason unknown to me.  Well, when I was done with all three and had time to think about the journey the books took me through... I understood exactly why I was able to read them.  God knew I would glean exactly what I had been searching and needing for years.  Even through years of therapy, pieces of me were still very broken as a result of the sexual trauma I endured but something about this story... the way it was written, the details it provided and the things it made me realize was extremely healing to my body, heart, soul and spirit.  So many light bulbs lit as I read.  So many things of my past finally made sense to me... I literally felt like a thousand pound weight was lifted off of me.  I fell to my knees while alone and cried like a baby... feeling the freedom I have longed for so deeply wash over me.  I felt blessed by God and so very grateful.

I have always had horrible posture, it's something I hate about myself and I have worked on before but usually give up because it seems I can't make myself stick with holding my shoulders back and my head up high.  I don't think it is a coincidence that since reading this series and achieving that freedom that I am holding my head up higher and my shoulder back farther naturally.  I just feel different.  I am no longer ashamed, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer looking in the mirror with a frown wishing I was something different, instead I feel a new confidence that I believe is exactly what God wants me to feel.  I feel good deep down in my heart and soul.  I feel pretty for the first time ever.  I feel proud of who God has made me into.  Those things were stolen from me a long time ago... but thanks to some very raw, rude fiction given to me by my husband, some time to obsessively read given to me by my family, some hefty guarding of my heart by God and my ability to accept the truth inside me... I got them back... it took 23 years but I got them back!!!  Shoulders back, head held high... I feel good.  Praise the Lord!

I'm sorry I have not said what the series is, if you want to know you can message me.  While I am totally grateful for the series and what it did for me, I don't feel right about passing it on to the average person for entertainment purposes.  I didn't feel it portrayed love and sex in a way that would be pleasing to God at all. In fact it was quite the opposite.  I was able to look beyond that because I have a very firm grip on what I believe God intended love and sex to be like.  For someone who doesn't, this story could be very destructive.  If you feel you need an experience like mine or just feel like you can handle it... PM me or leave your email address as a comment.  Your comment will not be published without my approval so I can just get your email and cancel your comment.  I will gladly share the titles with you.

Keep your shoulders back, your head held high and have a great Memorial Day weekend!!!

As Is - Meet the Characters

As you probably know by now, As Is will be coming out on June 17th!  I wanted to introduce you to my three main characters.  I might be a little biased (okay, a lot), but I think they totally rock!!!  My editor agrees though, so at least I'm not the only one who likes them :)  I hope they intrigue you and I hope you will support my book!  It is a lot more than a good story. THANKS!!!

AS IS Will Be Out On June 17!

I am very excited and nervous to say my book "As Is" is set to come out on June 17th!!!  Excited because it seems like a long time coming... and it will be nice to have a book out that I am actually proud of!  Nervous because I have a lot of work to do to hit that date!  I am also nervous because as with any artistic work... throwing it out to the public is a bit scary.  But, God gave this job to me so I trust He will protect my heart.

It will be available on Amazon in soft back and also in Kindle as an e-book.

I am doing some promotions and it's not for the thin skinned for sure.  It takes an awful lot of I'm excited for you's to erase a Leave me the hell alone!  Or maybe that is just me.  No matter.... I will keep plugging away.  I will be shamelessly promoting anyway because I believe in this book... I believe God is going to use it in wonderful ways!!!

Below are some of my promotional pieces.  I hope you enjoy them and I hope you will support my book!!

Thanks!!!

Should we go with our first impressions?

Denial... we've all been there!

Have a great day everyone!!!

Longing for Connection

There is nothing in this world which feels better than having a full-on, personal, spine tingling connection with Jesus.  Oh how I love that feeling!  I would give nearly ANYTHING to have just a few moments of that incredible feeling.  I have to say I have been blessed with many, many occasions where I have experienced that connection in my life.  I pray they continue to come and I pray my heart remains open enough to feel them when they do come.  I can tell you without any doubt that I love Jesus in a way I love no other.   I can also tell you without doubt that I am very high maintenance and require a lot of attention and connection to feel cared for and loved.

When I thought about what to give up for Lent this year, the first idea I had was to give up Facebook.  I did that several years ago and I admit, it was difficult.  This year I knew it would be all the more difficult. As I said, I am high maintenance and need connection to feel cared for... and I knew that giving up my Facebook time would truly be a sacrifice because that is how I achieve a lot of my connections these days.   I made some excuses as to why I shouldn't give it up for Lent and ultimately I disregarded the idea.  I am feeling some regret over that now... feeling as though it was really selfish of me not to bite the bullet and make that sacrifice, especially considering what Jesus sacrificed for me.

Since Lent began, I have been struggling with a few things that have a lot to do with connections and need for attention.  I realized today... I am in a vicious cycle and the only one who can get me out of it is... Jesus.

Here's how it's been going down...

Having had it before, I find myself longing for that full-on, personal spine-tingling connection with my incredible Savior.  But instead of being satisfied with the spiritual connection, I have been desiring a more physical connection and since He isn't here physically... I find myself lonely for Him.  That loneliness then drives me to desire the contact I feel I need from flesh and blood people instead of burying myself deeper into my spiritual connection with Him.  I think in my head, I believe I'm taking the easy way out.  I use tools like Facebook, instant messaging, texting, email, telephone and coffee/lunch dates with friends to try and fulfill that intense need for connection within myself.  The problem is, man/woman can never fill the void that my Savior was intended to fill... so even though it FEELS like the easy way out... all I am doing is prolonging my state of need.  The longer I remain in need of connection, the more I desire it... the more I desire it the more I look to man/woman to fill it... the more I look to man/woman to fill it the longer I go unfulfilled... the longer I am unfulfilled the lonelier I become for Him.  Like I said... vicious cycle.  The good thing about recognizing the cycle is that now I can do something about it.

I was feeling extremely lonely for Jesus the other day and reached out to a friend in my sadness.  She told me to pray for the Spirit to fill me.  But... I didn't want to pray for that!  I was feeling stubborn and decided that I wanted Jesus to be what I wanted Him to be.  I wanted Him to find a way to fulfill me physically somehow... not spiritually.  I wanted what I wanted.

I know Jesus is aware that I have a real need for physical connections, which is why He loves me so much that He gave me an amazing husband and some really great friends.   But I also know that He doesn't want me to use those gifts to replace Him.  I have decided I need to put more time and effort into my spiritual connection with Jesus, instead of always heading for the instant gratifications of man.  So, I'm going to try really hard to put Him first by taking a moment to pray to Him and listen to Him BEFORE I head for Facebook or my cell phone.

Those of you who know me well know there is a lot going on in that head of mine... stuff that medications have to fix.  You also know that I have been struggling with lots of medication changes and adjustments.  I want to thank those friends who have really been there for me through it... who have taken time out of your days and nights to connect with me and help me feel cared for and loved.  Some of you have brought me an insane amount of laughter which I love.  It has meant a lot to me and I thank God for you!!!  I want to say a special thank you to my amazing husband who never fails to be the presence of Jesus with his patience, the arms of Jesus with his hugs and the voice of Jesus with his words.  I am truly blessed, even when I find myself so incredibly lonely for my Savior... for if He didn't know me the way He does, I would not long for Him the way I do.

Stupid Tacos

Last night I was making tacos for dinner... something I have done many, many times.  My son LOVES tacos, as does my husband.  Even my little one year old likes the taco meat... me, I could take them or leave them.  But last night when I was making the tacos I had a random memory strike me.  It was something I hadn't thought about in a very long time... probably haven't even ever specifically thought of it at all.  The memory was of me having tacos with a band that I used to do some filming for.  We were somewhere in Oklahoma eating tacos at some dive restaurant.  I don't remember much else about that particular moment.  Not sure if the tacos were good or not, don't remember what I had to drink, don't even remember how I got there... did I drive or did I ride with them?  I have no clue.  There was no purpose for this memory... none as it was a very unremarkable moment in time.  I have no clue why my brain pulled it out of my vault and shoved it in front of me.  The brain is a strange little machine.

As we ate dinner, that memory sparked some other memories and my family and I started to discuss some of my crazy times, back when I was a raging alcoholic and a complete wacko nut-case.  I found myself laughing hysterically at some of my antics and experiences.  My son kept asking for me to tell him more crazy mommy stories... and my husband just sat there shaking his head with a smile on his handsome face.  All in all, it was funny.  Dinner ended and life moved on.

Shortly after dinner, I was giving my daughter a bath.  As I sat there watching her the humor in all those antics began to wear off.  All of a sudden, I wasn't laughing anymore.  No, my heart was struck with shame and guilt.  Is it funny to get in a car with strangers I met skiing and end up in the basement of a drug dealer's house?  Is it funny to go inside a brothel and get beat up by a hooker?  Is it funny to have life's priorities so screwed up that I left my child and husband for the weekend to go hang out and get drunk with a band?  Is it funny to get so wrapped up in trying to succeed that I wasted hundreds of my family's dollars on juice.  No... not so funny.  I started to feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  My heart began pounding in my chest and I started struggling to breath.  Anxiety found me, and I tell you, anxiety is not my friend.

I didn't sleep well.

This morning, I reached out to a friend who has 'been there and done that' and told him how I was feeling.  I told him of the memories, the laughter and then how it all came to a screeching halt with shame.  He knew exactly how I felt... like I said, he has been there and done that.  He gave me some good advice.  He told me what he does when it happens to him...  he bows his head and says to satan...

In the name of Jesus Christ... do not tempt me!

Tempt was the perfect word, even though I wasn't feeling what I would say was standard temptation.  I wasn't wishing I could go do those things again or longing for the past.  No, my temptation was different... it was the temptation to let the devil make me forget that GOD HAS ALREADY FORGIVEN ME for all of that stuff.  I only had to ask once.  I do not need to feel guilty or ashamed any longer.  He cleansed me with His blood and I am free.

I have repeated the phrase "In the name of Jesus Christ... leave me alone!" many times today and it has helped.  But I've had to continue to say it because the devil is really at me.

I'm thankful for my friend's wise words, I am thankful to have a God that saved me and made me new again, I am thankful for the love I have for Jesus but mostly, I am thankful for the love Jesus has for me.  I only had to ask once and it was done.

Stupid tacos.

So Frustrated

It's been a crappy last few days!

I have poured my heart and soul into writing my book "As Is."  I love the story, I love my style and I love how God trusted me with this task.  He gave it to me... I typed.

I needed someone to do a professional editing on it for me to clean up mistakes, clear up some redundancy and just give it a good proofread.  Instead what I got was advice from a stranger that the only thing I needed to change was... everything.  The first page of my manuscript was returned to me COMPLETELY RE-WRITTEN.  Not one sentence remained in tact.  It didn't sound like me at all, and the story had a COMPLETELY different feel to it.  Soft and mushy instead of raw like I like it! When I kindly objected to the total revision of my work, I was met with a response that made me feel as though if I keep it the way it is, it will suck and no one will be able to read it.

I know my writing is far from perfect.  I know my style is unique... and I gotta tell you - I like it that way.  I am not a perfect person and I am very unique so why shouldn't my writing reflect that?  Why should I have to conform to some standard that isn't what God fed me in the writing process?

I want this to be a successful venture... not for myself, but for the message God has because it is a powerful one!!!  I am amazed He is using me to get it out there so I want to do it right and do it to the best of my abilities.  I want to get out of my own way to make sure His purpose is fulfilled.  If God knew I was going to need to change everything because of my skill level then, why did He choose me?  No, He chose me for a reason.

Even still, I have been struggling the last 24 hours with wondering if I need to humble myself to the advice of another .... or.... if I should just let my light shine for God the way it is.  If I am going to be honest, one of the reasons this is bothering me so much is this is the second person to give me very similar advice.  I feel attacked now, I hear a nasty little voice in my head saying, "You stink... you can't do this... you will fail...give up!"  That is satan, no doubt.  But what if there is a shred of truth to it... isn't that how he works???  I find myself back at.... do I need to humble myself and change everything for the sake of God's message... or... do I let my light shine brightly for Him and plow forward with confidence knowing He is going to make what He wants out of it regardless of me?

Interestingly enough, today's sermon was about salt and light.  The title was " Be Who You Already Are."  My pastor actually said these words... "If you are a writer... then wouldn't it be great if you could fill Hollywood with your works for Jesus instead of just letting what's out there grow?"  POW!!!

I'm searching for a different editor now, one who will do what I asked... clean up mistakes and redundancy but allow me to be who I am.  Not sure that exists.  Not sure I like editors very much right now but I'm guessing there isn't a writer out there who hasn't felt the way I feel right this minute.  Frustrated, less than, attacked, horrible, useless.  That's satan again, no doubt.

Luckily, I don't have to figure it out myself.  I've got God for that.  Just hope my ears are open enough for me to hear His answer when He tells me what He wants.

Writing Again!!!

I am so excited to say... I am writing again!  And not only writing, but writing fiction.  I have not done that in YEARS.  How did it happen???   Here's how...

My husband bought me a tablet for Christmas and I wanted to see if I liked reading on it so I ordered a book called Silence by Natasha Preston on Kindle just to try it out.  I discovered I liked reading on the tablet.  I also discovered... I like Natasha Preston!  Her writing reminded me of my own from years ago when I published Desco.  Reading her work inspired me to get back in the game.

With a new vision for my writing (Christian fiction) I started writing As Is right away and finished it in only 14 days!  God fed me the story and I typed!  It has been edited and reviewed by several test readers getting excellent reviews!  I am currently working with an excellent photographer (Gutzman Photography) for cover art and I am waiting on a theological review of my writing to be complete... waiting is hard!!!

I will be publishing on my own again, by choice.  It will be available on Amazon as a paperback and an ebook on Kindle.  Not sure about Nook???  My hope is to have it live by Mid-March but we will see!

Here is the write up on As Is:

Life had been nothing but hard for Mara Shaw.  One bad relationship after another left her as a single mom with no faith in anything. A move to get away from the past and a declaration to never allow herself to be hurt again gave her a new start.  What she didn’t know was how much of a new start she was really going to get.  He showed up and showed her the truth.  While the truth was ugly and hard to accept, it was also the key to her freedom.  Would he be the answer to all her dreams?  Or would a new nightmare take over her life?  It was up to her to choose.

I just started a twitter account  @wendyoleston if you'd like to follow my writing updates.

My writing goal: Give something of value to the world instead of taking something valuable away

Blessing to all of you out there...

Wendy