My Experience on "The Journey"

I went to a special event on Good Friday called “The Journey.” It was a self-paced walk through the last days and hours of Jesus. There were 12 different stations… and it was AMAZINGLY touching. I helped put it together, but I wanted to experience it… just like everyone else did. When I embarked on “the Journey” I had no idea how long it would take… 10 minutes? A half hour??? Well, I didn’t keep track of the time but I will say this… I was in there a LONG time yet it felt like a flash. I want to take you on my journey…

Station One: Listening

I entered the room where a television sat spewing a loud, obnoxious static-filled screen. I sat down… and starred at it. My guide booklet told me the world is filled with noise, so I needed to try to drown it out. When I was ready… I turned the television off. I prayed that God would quiet my soul and allow me to absorb the experience. I asked Him to erase my prior knowledge of the set up… so that I could see it with fresh eyes.

(The rest of the stations were dimly lit and very quiet… moving music played in the background that rose and fell with cathartic whispers at just the right time.)

Station Two: Becoming

Jesus was really human. I could hear His heartbeat… I mentally pictured Him as a modern day baby who had His diaper changed by His loving mother. I pictured Him playing with trains or kicking a soccer ball around. It hit me… He was just like me in flesh. He needed to eat to thrive, He felt pain when He fell and scraped His knee on the playground, He dealt with friends who loved Him one minute then stabbed Him in the back the next. He knew all about sibling rivalry and what it was like to have to listen to His mommy and daddy. He knew exactly what I felt like in every stage of my life. I was humbled by what an incredible gift that alone was, that God gave us a Savior that really truly knew us.

Station Three: Worshiping

I dipped a cotton swap in fragrant oil. I don’t know what the smell was, but it was nice. I sat and absorbed the experience, just as the cotton was soaked in the oil. To my great surprise, I began to sob. Why? As I read about how Mary poured out her most prized possession on Jesus’ feet, I realized how selfish I am with what I give Jesus. Lately, I’ve been stingy. Lately, I’ve been blocked. Lately, I’ve felt far away. I apologized to Him… and asked that He enlighten me as to how I can correct this. I told Him I want to give Him my best and stop saving just my scraps for Him. I cried for a long while.

Station Four: Sharing

Communion was offered here. I took it but I have to be honest… I didn’t feel forgiven of my sins in that moment. I know that was self imposed though. When God forgives… he does it fully. When I attempt to do something… it’s never fully. The guide booklet told me about how Jesus chose to be with His disciples in His last evening. It reminded me that I am not alone on my journey, ever. I felt alone though, God seemed far away.

Station Five: Trusting

Jesus went to the garden to pray. He was deeply grieved and asked God if there was any way out of this horrible end… He stopped Himself and said, “No… not what I want… but what You want Father!” Jesus traded His dreams for the dream of His Father. What a sacrifice! His life… for mine. I have a hard time just putting down the M&M bag.

Station Six: Allowing

I felt a rope, a rope that may have been similar to one used to bind Jesus when he was arrested. I imagined Him holding out his hands willingly when it was time. There was no fight… He allowed them to take him. He allowed His future to unfold without pause. There were chairs there… but I went to my knees instead. How many times have I kicked and screamed and fought against what I knew was right? What’s ironic is those things that I went after, the things I fought against my Father to get, were the things that ended up binding me tighter than a rope like that could have ever held me. I’ve used the phrase “freedom through surrender” many times since I have found sobriety, but it was at this station that I realized, Jesus set me free through His surrender.

Station Seven: Humiliating

This grungy, painful station was rough. A slow, old-time, crooked, silent movie of the taunting faces of the guards played over and over. A real crown of thorns was showcased… it was brutal. I thought about my childhood and how I was taunted and teased by my peers. I allowed those memories to come fresh in my mind and I realized they were nothing in comparison to what Jesus endured. In fact, my history of “crap” was a cake walk. My daily aches and pains, my frustrations with the world and the people in it are silly. In fact, I deserve every little bit of it. I deserve worse. I felt my load lighten… I felt I was finally letting the last bit of it go. Jesus endured torture and beating for me, it’s like spitting at him myself when I allow little insignificant things hurt me so deeply… He did that for me so I wouldn’t have to.

Station Eight: Inviting

Here I was invited to be like Simon of Cyrene, and take on the burden of Jesus’ cross for the remainder of His journey to crucifixion. I looked in the giant cross of mirrors and saw my face looking back at me. I didn’t recognize myself… I really didn’t. Who am I? I asked myself if I could have carried the cross for Jesus that day – would I have? I think I would have tried my hardest. I love Jesus, and I am so thankful for what He did for me. I get a chance to carry that burden every day… and I do some of it, and I get too comfortable with what I do thinking that is enough. I think to myself that I do more than the average person so God is proud of me. I am too proud of myself. I can do so much more, so much better. I was reminded that “His yoke is easy and his burden is light” and I asked Him to let me carry more. I realized I am ready for a heavier cross, Lord… I’m stagnant with the one I have. I don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Station Nine: Forgiving

After sitting and contemplating for a long while, I wrote my biggest sin on a piece of paper and I physically nailed my sin to the cross.

Station Ten: Dying

I picked a candle and watched the flame flicker. It dances around illuminating its area with joy. It was alive to me. It was breathing… air, oxygen, carbon dioxide were exchanging glances. My job… no I don’t really want to do this… do I have to? But I don’t want to be responsible for this… I don’t want to face the truth. After some procrastination I went ahead and did it. Using the snuffer… I deprived the flame of what it needed to exist and it died right in front of me. As the smoke lifted from the once-lit wick, I imagined the life and spirit of Jesus floating away… just like that. As much as I don’t like it, I am responsible.

Station Eleven: Closing

I felt pretty strong when I got here. In fact, I sort of felt like I was too strong, like I hadn’t been moved enough by this whole experience. I wondered if there was something wrong with me??? Why hadn’t I been crying like a baby… why hadn’t I been more emotional? I knew there was only one station after this one and I wondered if I was going to miss out on a defining moment??? I was sure this station wasn’t going to do it for me so I felt slightly disappointed in myself. I turned to my guide booklet and began to read. There was a question toward the end… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” I paused. I read it again… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” Tears began to flow from my eyes uncontrollably… “yes… yes I have felt that way. I feel that way right now, God. My faith is at a dead end… why is it not going anywhere??? Why does God feel so far from me???” I cried and cried as I thought this over. It is safe to say… that defining moment I was wondering about… happened.

Station Twelve: Transitioning

The last station was simple, just a place to sit or kneel and contemplate the journey I had just taken. Matthew 16:24 was the first thing written in the guide:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I have to admit, I didn’t really read beyond that because as I read… four words jumped off the page at me. I knelt and repeated them over and over in my mind knowing God was telling me something.

…he must deny himself… he must deny himself… he must deny himself…

The guide booklet said that even though this was the last station, the journey wasn’t really over. Whenever I read something like that, I have to say I am cynical. I was cynical in that moment. I got up and headed out the door to resume my “helping” duties for the night.


So that was Friday night. Saturday was pretty normal. We went to a pancake breakfast and a wonderful Easter egg hunt that managed to make Easter about Jesus and not candy or bunnies or eggs. We had a fabulous time as a family! Later, we did yard work, ate dinner and watched 24 on DVR… normal stuff. All day I sort of had this strange feeling that I was missing something though, I was content but I felt like something was blowing right passed me.

As I got ready for bed I started to go through the journey I had been on Friday night in my head. I thought about the things that had moved me and reached out to me. I realized I still had that feeling of separation from God, and it hurt. I guess that’s one of those things that can be bittersweet. Knowing the joy of what it feels like to be right next to God in nearly all I do, only leaves me painfully longing to have it back when I’m away for too long. Out of nowhere, I recalled something else. A few months ago I did a “bucket list” and posted it as an article. In that, God revealed to me that the manuscript I’ve been writing for Him for over a year now seemed to clearly be the current mission God has for me. In a flash I realized I hadn’t thought about writing or studying on that in a long while. In fact, I somehow had just… abandoned it for a time. Had I REALLY forgotten about it that easily? I had to admit, yes, it had been the farthest thing from my mind. I remembered a distraction that came into my life that aided in my “forgetfulness” of the manuscript but I had gotten rid of that distraction completely… weeks ago. Since then… I have no idea what was keeping me from moving forward. I had a “Duh” moment… Hmmm… I was feeling far away from God… while the farthest thing from my mind was the work He seemed to have charged me to do for Him. Could this be a… coincidence??? I think not. Duh!!!!

I am humbly reminded that one of the initial steps to getting close to God is figuring out what it is He wants me to do. The next logical step after that is to actually do it. I think a lot of us walk through life having no clue what God’s purpose for our life is, but make no mistake… He had a specific purpose in mind when He created every single one of us. If you are wondering what yours could be… the first step is uncovering your God given spiritual gifts. I encourage you to take a class that will help you find out what yours are. If you need help finding resources… talk to your pastor or a leader in your church, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

As for me, it’s time to refocus. It’s time to anoint God with my best perfume instead of the tester tube I got free the last time I walked through JC Penneys. It’s time to deny myself of the things I think are important and pick up that cross… always remembering His burden is light and His yoke is easy. The cool thing for me is that I love to write this manuscript so it’s not like it is even a sacrifice to do what He is asking of me. I’ll bet that when I actually pick up that cross I will find that I will be closer to Him, closer than ever and that is exciting! This cynic recognizes my journey is continuing… and I can’t wait to get started again!

I want to thank Dustin Bauerle not only for incepting this idea at COH but for asking me to be part of it. I'd also like to thank the leadership at Commiunity of Hope FUMC in Mansfield, TX for encouraging events like these. Lives were changed!

Beyond the Glitz and Glam

It’s amazing to me how when I put myself in the Word of God with other people (that second part is so important) how God finds the perfect way to answer my questions or heal my wounds. Don’t get me wrong, studying the Bible alone is great, but when I say being with others while in the Word is important, I mean it. I have learned significant lessons from others in every single Bible study I have been a part of. It’s not necessarily that they themselves knew anything particularly awesome or insightful, it’s that God’s Spirit was able to use their mouths to say His words to touch me right where I needed to me touched. When one studies the Bible alone, God doesn’t get that opportunity. I’ve heard Him time and time again in small rooms filled with regular sinners just like me who think they have no business being there. This phenomenon always leaves me in awe.

The last month has been rough for me. Part of it has no doubt been due to a hormonal flux related to a medical issue but a bigger part of it is simply put, my own darn fault. This recovering alcoholic got a little too comfortable with herself and her own will. She got confident in matters that no one should ever be confident in. She was riding proudly upon her high-horse and lost her humility. I’m not gonna lie, pride and humility are big issues for me so I have to keep them in check. Unfortunately I let my checks and balance sheet fall on the floor and get shoved under the nightstand along with some dust-bunnies and a few lost socks.

My pride is always matched with simultaneous insecurity – it’s an alcoholic trait and I have to say, if there is anything I am good at it’s being a classic alcoholic, even though I haven’t had a drink in years. Walking around with incredible insecurity covered up by great pride can only result in one thing for me… crash and burn, bottom-of-the-barrel self-loathing and depression. Yep… so that’s where I was headed… faster than you can say… stupid girl. I was filled with anxiety and every little issue in my life was becoming a Goliath sized obstacle I felt I would never be able to tackle. I remember crying because an ice cube fell out of the ice tray and onto my foot (ouch). I was sure it was some sort of demonic personal attack when in reality; it was just gravity and bad timing. My pride was trumping my faith.

Only by the grace of God, and the beautiful way Jesus and the Spirit intercede on our behalf when we are speechless was I able to make a cry for help before it was too late. My cry was also heard by “my prayer partner troop” who quickly marched in and surrounded me with prayers of protection and awareness. I’m thankful that my pride didn’t keep me from sending out that prayer request e-mail to my trusted friends because the power of prayer in times of need is… overwhelming.

My anxiety subsided almost immediately but what remained was disappointment in myself that I had failed God yet again. I was sad, sorry and humbled… humbled to the point I didn’t feel worthy of the love of God. What a terrible feeling that is… and a selfish one too. Who am I to decide God can’t love me?

I waited until the last minute to prepare for my Bible study because that’s what I do when life is rough, put off all the things that I know are good for me… stupid girl. The lesson was John 13:1 – 14:14. It’s the part where Jesus takes the disciples to the upper room for the last supper and tries to prepare them for His pending death. As I read and answered the questions I saw something I had never seen before. The disciples were kind of ticking me off. In my little mind they seemed far more concerned with the glitz and glam of being one of Jesus’ chosen few. It seemed they expected Him to do something amazing like kill all of their enemies with the wink of an eye… then they’d be left standing with smirks on their faces as if they had done it themselves. I got a bit judgmental (another flaw of mine) thinking all they cared about was being in His presence and feeling special. Through the ladies in my study group, the Spirit quickly reminded that the disciples had no idea what was to come so I should cut them a break. Even as Jesus was trying to tell them, they just weren’t getting it.

The Maundy Thursday message (the last supper message) was a new command (that’s what Maundy means)… Jesus told them to “love one another as I have loved you.” This was their new commandment, if you will. I imagine them sitting there staring at Him with blank faces saying, “Huh? What do you mean??”

In the closing message of our Bible study, God’s spirit spoke to me through our leader, whose name is Mary. Mary told me (she was talking to everyone but I swear it was just for me) that the disciples got all wrapped up in pride. None of them wanted to pick up the basin to wash the feet that night because none of them wanted to be the lowest man on the totem pole. (As the story goes, Jesus ended up doing that dirty job but with the ultimate servant’s heart.) Earlier, the 12 were griping among themselves about who Jesus loved the most and that night when Jesus told them He was going to be leaving them… oh they just couldn’t handle it. Their pride wanted to stay with Him so they could continue to be special.

In that moment, it all came clear in my head. I realized if I had been in the room that night, I wouldn’t have gotten it either. I would have been just like them, enjoying the rush and attention of being with a very wanted, powerful guy. I would have been a groupy, hanging on every word most likely for the wrong reasons. I would have been wanting Jesus to squash all those who had wronged me, just because He could. Pride would have ruined everything… and that was exactly what I had just been doing in my own life. I was just like them, prideful and missing the point. I needed to be humbled.

That’s when the Spirit guided Mary to say, “Any of you who love the Lord your God, know that you will always be His. Once you are His, you are always His.” It was then I realized that my human failure wasn’t a reason for God to disown me or stop loving me. Of course I knew that already, but I had somehow forgotten it... in my human wisdom. I am so thankful I was reminded that He will always love me, for I am His. Finally, I was able to forgive myself, again. Temporary pride didn't make me a bad person... just like it didn't make the disciples bad people either. I am so comforted by the fact that God filled the Bible with people just like me!

Committed to finding humility, I washed my husband’s feet that night. It was a very cool experience, if you’ve never done that…read John 13: 1-17 then give it a try. Humility is a job for me, a full time job. Knowing this, I must be diligent and not let my checklist float to the floor and rest with the dust-bunnies.