Easy Equals Dead Sod in the Front Yard

Our neighborhood has had an across-the-board problem this year… dead grass. Some yards lost nearly all their grass while some yards just had spots not make it. It seemed to be all types of grass too, not just one particular kind. The neighborhood we live in takes this pretty seriously, since everyone, at least that I can tell, finds it a high priority to keep the entire neighborhood looking very tidy. There is a lot of pride in our neighborhood (in a good way) and it shows in the appearance as you ride down the street.

I must let you know that taking pride in the yard upkeep doesn’t necessarily mean the people in our neighborhood take pride in doing it themselves… no. It is quite the opposite. I would say that 95% of the residents in our neighborhood hire this job out to landscaping companies. On any given day, you can see one of those trucks with the long trailer with 3 mowers and a bunch of other lawn equipment on the back of it parked in front of a house with 3 to 5 guys hard at work to ‘get er done’ (coincidence that there are empty beer cans in the street after they pull away??? That’s a whole other article). My point here is that taking pride in something doesn’t necessarily mean that you are willing to do the hard part yourself. Sometimes it is just easier to let someone else do it. And that isn’t always a bad thing… it’s simply a reality… a choice… and sometimes a necessary choice. Ryan and I are part of the 5% of residents that take care of our own yard, on our own time, along with our next door neighbors, Tom and Jane.

This summer, when all the grass problems came to light I heard a myriad of reasons passing through the neighborhood. Some people thought it was the root systems of large trees that caused the damage. Some people blamed it on bugs. Some people blamed it on the cold weather…. or maybe even the hot weather… poor watering??? But the explanation I heard most often was… fungus. Okay, so collectively, the neighborhood has blamed the grass problem on fungus. But the blame didn’t stop there. Residents have gone a little further and said that the landscaping companies must have brought the fungus in on their equipment and infected the neighborhood because they were not taking proper care of their mowers and such. Hmmmm. Sounds like a good excuse to me… could even be true but if that were the case… why did our grass suffer the same fate? We have St. Augustine grass and we lost almost all of half of our yard and then a few patches on the other side.

Some people have fired their landscaping companies and hired new ones. Some people are trying to get reduced prices for services… and as always, some people aren’t doing anything but complaining and defaming others in the process.

Regardless of how the yard owners are handling it logically (or illogically), the problem still remains… dead grass and some pretty rough looking yards. The blame part really doesn’t matter does it? The problem doesn’t get fixed by figuring out whose fault it was? No, the problem gets fixed when you put a plan of action together and then work it.

Some plans are easier than others. The easiest of which is… to have someone else handle it. In some cases this is the best idea. For example, brain surgery… you wouldn’t ask your best friend to take care of that one for you (unless of course he was a brain surgeon), but you get my point.

About 15% of the neighborhood called in the experts to help them resolve their grass problems. I’ve seen many “TruGreen” trucks and technicians hard at work in the past months. I know their services are not cheap but they provide definite results so in my mind, their services are totally worth it, if you have the cash and willingness to put out the cash. The people who chose that route, well, all is lookin’ good for them!

As for me, we are kind of a do-it-yourself household. We have learned that almost everything that needs to be done around the house can be done most economically by putting in the time to learn about it and then committing to the hard work of doing it yourself. We have replaced broken concrete roof tiles, fixed leaks, replaced rotten siding, fixed sprinkler heads, rewired our phone system, we have run our own Ethernet wires and most certainly do all of our own yard work. It’s not that we don’t have money… it’s that we would rather spend our money on other things… like gifting and vacations (plus we are blessed to have the physical ability and the time to do it). Because of this philosophy (which I have to say my husband and daddy have instilled in me because it’s not a natural one to me) I decided to start researching how I could fix our grass problem myself… internet… here I come!

First, I read about possible causes of the grass problem to determine the REAL issue. For us, I believe it to be the excessively cold winter we had. St. Augustine grass is a warm weather grass and doesn’t do well with frost or snow or a hard freeze. We had a lot of all of that this passed winter. Next, I read all about sod and how to sod a yard properly. It turns out it’s a pretty intense process. Testing soil, getting acidity correct, preparing the soil to sod, then finding the right place to buy fresh sod (this was really important). After all of that… the maintenance and care for the sod was almost hourly… it was a labor of love if you wanted it to be successful.

I was tired just reading all of that… and wondered if we should just hire TruGreen to do it for us. It sounded hard. I put it on the table for a week to think it over. I decided to read about seeding… found out quickly it was too late in the season to seed St. Augustine… so that was out.

Meanwhile, the majority of the neighborhood decided to just have their run of the mill landscaping company try to resolve the problem, (and remember – they have already blamed their landscaping company for the problem in the first place). One day I sat watching a few guys sod a neighbor’s yard to see what they did. They didn’t prep the soil at all… they rolled up in their truck… threw some pretty dry looking sod down patted it for a moment then left… without even watering it. I thought… hmmmm… if that lives (but I had my doubts), I might try that. Looked easy to me. Apparently, the landscaping company hadn’t given any special instructions to the owner of the house either because they didn’t water it any extra… just the normal water schedule… once every few days like the rest of the lawn. It’s no surprise, it all died and now their yard looks even worse. I don’t know how much they spent for that service but in that case… easy equaled dead sod in the front yard. I knew what I had read about soding was true. It was gonna be hard work if I chose to do it.

A few days later, I was looking at our yard and just thought… that’s it… enough is enough! The first thing I knew I had to do regardless of how I went forward… phase one was get all the weeds, dead grass and junk out of the way. I pick an area about 12 feet by 6 feet and started yanking and scooping until it was clear. I stood back, dripping with sweat from the 95 degree Texas heat at 7:00 pm and said “Wow… that looks even worse! A big patch of dirt!”

The next day I went to Lowes to get some mulch for my flowerbeds and I asked a guy there what he would do. He gave me some excellent advice so I decided to give it a try. I bought some top soil and manure/soil mix and went home ready to act.

Phase two began…I got my hoe and pitchfork out and started tilling and digging. Texas dirt is hard… so it wasn’t easy work. It was also 98 degrees outside and mid afternoon. I sprayed the dirt with water getting it nice and muddy, mixed it some more then poured in the top soil. Mixed, added water till it was mud. Poured in the manure mix… got on my hands and knees and worked it in with the mud. It was stinky, let me tell you! It took hours… mixing and adding water… I got filthier and stinker with every moment that passed. Speaking of “passed” I seriously almost passed out seven times while I was doing this… it was HOT.

So I was done with the soil prep after hours of hard, dirty work. It was time for phase three… and phase three had to come right away or phase two would have all been for nothing. It was time to plant the new grass, but I didn’t have any sod… and it was too late to seed… so what was I going to do??? Well, the guy at Lowes told me something really cool about St. Augustine grass… it has runners, and the runners have roots so if you go through the healthy grass you have and find some long runners… you can just plant those in an empty area. And that is exactly what I did. I spent the next two hours combing through our healthy grass to find runners. I dug them up carefully and then planted them in the very wet muddy, manure mixture.

An afternoon of dirty, sweaty, stinky work was finally complete and I took a step back and looked at it. I’m not sure it looked any better yet… but at least it looked like we were trying. I got my camera and took a few pictures so I could view the progress through the lens in the weeks to come.


Since that day, the work has continued… the maintenance is so very important. I have seriously watered that area with a hose almost every 2 hours. And I know that if I chose to get lazy and not go out there to do the maintenance work… all that hard work will be for nothing. Think about it… digging into the hard stuff, mixing in some healthy stuff, getting down on my knees, getting dirty and stinky in the muck, sweating, almost passing out from the heat, transplanting the growth of another source into the bare spot to replace what was once dead, empty and ugly. I know it will take time to look nice again but I also know that all of that hard nasty work would be for nothing if I don’t do the maintenance it requires and water it when needed.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Perhaps maybe a little bit like trying to heal from the pains of life… trying to break free from the compulsions you have let kill the life within you? To repair… to heal… to break free… think about it…it takes digging into the hard stuff (the truth about yourself), mixing in some healthy stuff (advice from those who have gone before you), getting down on your knees (begging and pleading for God’s help), getting dirty and stinky in the muck (your sin, responsibility, acceptance), sweating, almost passing out from the heat (and exhaustion and pain), transplanting the growth of another source (Jesus) into the bare spot (that hole in the middle of your chest that makes you feel empty) all to replace what was once dead, empty and ugly (how you feel about yourself)… all of that hard nasty work would be for nothing if you don’t do the maintenance (trust the Lord, meet with others, read the Bible, pray) and water it (letting the Spirit guide you) when needed (always).

Personal baggage… hurts, habits and hang-ups usually come with a lot of excuses and blame (and the longer you keep the excuses and blame, the longer they will cripple you). But remember what I said in the beginning about the dead grass… the blame part really doesn’t matter, does it? The problem doesn’t get fixed by figuring out whose fault it was? No, the problem gets fixed when you put a plan of action together and then work it. I also said that taking pride in something (or having the desire to fix something) doesn’t necessarily mean you are willing to do the hard part yourself. Sometimes it is just easier to let someone else do it. Unfortunately with personal baggage, there is no TruGreen service that will just drive in, sprinkle some magic chemical on you, give you the bill and all is better. Some people think therapy is “TruGreen”… but it’s not. Therapy sure can help but if you aren’t willing to do the work required…it won’t work either. In the end, the only solution for healing the soul is to let Jesus into that empty spot in your chest… and for it to take, you are going to have to work hard at it… and you are going to have to water it with the Spirit almost hourly. It’s hard work, but it’s also really the easiest way to go! Living a life of pain is not easy. I am reminded of Jesus’ own words: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 25: 28-30

Only time will tell if my new grass will live, but if it doesn't make it I know it won't be from a lack of me trying. In that sense, all the hard work will be worth it no matter what. How much more important is your spiritual and emotional health than a blade of grass?

The Window Seat

Someone recently asked me to think about some hard questions… why would a loving God allow tragedy to occur? If God is so powerful, why doesn’t He keep bad things from happening to good people? The purpose of combing over these questions was to prepare myself for the type of doubt that I will inevitably be faced with as I try to share Jesus with others. These questions are hard… even for people with tremendous faith in God. One of my spiritual mentors says, “If you knew what God knows… you wouldn’t doubt what is happening right now for even a nanosecond.” In theory, it’s easy to say I know all things happen for a reason and God’s plan is to bring them together for His glory in the end. Since we humans can’t see His plan, we can’t fathom His reasoning. And then there is the topic of free will, but that would be a whole other article. I’m not going to kid myself for a second though; I am fully aware that if a tragedy were my very own, for example - the loss of my husband or child… I could only hope that my faith would be strong enough to say, “It’s God’s plan for the best” and mean it. The truth is… I don’t know how I would feel. I can’t imagine it, and I don’t want to think about it. I said some prayers for God to help me figure out how to answer those types of questions.

A few days later, I had a vision that I shared with a group of ladies I trust. I knew I trusted them when I told them because let’s face it – most people would probably laugh at me as soon as I uttered the phrase, “I had a vision,” much less keep from busting as I told the story that followed, but they were awesome about it. True friends.

There was an airplane, packed full of at least 200 passengers. But it wasn’t a run-of-the-mill flight… something had gone terribly wrong and the plane was on a very quick downward descent. And I’m not talking about the kind of descent that would result in a gentle water landing… oh no… this was a hold-onto-your-seat-cushion-and-kiss-your-butt-goodbye kind of descent. The people on board were panicked, screaming and crying… they knew what was to come. In my vision, I saw a person rise from their seat and begin to speak to everyone on the plane. This person spoke with great eloquence… telling all within earshot of the gift of Jesus and how it didn’t matter what they had done in the past, or how long they had believed… that God’ kingdom was for everyone and all they had to do is believe. The person continued by asking the people if they would consider opening their hearts and souls to the Spirit. Ask Him to help them believe and accept God’s grace and love. The end of life as they knew it was not as important as the beginning of the life they could have in eternity with God.

I began to cry… even though it was only a vision. The words that this person spoke were so beautiful and true. And somehow an idea came to me… of God’s reasoning in this particular situation. Of the 200 passengers on board, only a few of them were true believers in Christ. Another handful were in various places on their spiritual walk… mostly just testing the water but not really committed to it. The rest… the majority of them were people who had no interest in God. They knew of Him, but were sure God didn’t have a place in their life at all. God, being all knowing as He is, already knew the ending of each of these people’s lives. He knew that it would take a major event to open their minds up to the possibility of Him. He knew that this was the situation they HAD to be in to save their souls. So He grasped the opportunity. He put the right words in the right person’s mouth and the result of which was… these people… the ones who God knew had no hope at eternal life with Him heard the words, opened their hearts, the Spirit came to them and… BAM! They were granted eternal life right before their death.

My tears increased as I sat in awe of this thought. I imagined the heartache and pain of those left behind in the wake of the disaster; husbands without wives, mothers without daughters, friends without their cherished confidants. It’s natural for those people to only see the tragedy in the death toll, and feel the gut wrenching emptiness that death presents to us on a silver platter. But what about the mercy and beauty in God’s perfect timing? What about the fact that our God is so loving that He doesn’t care how long we’ve believed… as long as we do?

So, the vision was over, or so I thought. I cleared my crying eyes and took a deep breath. Then I realized… the person who spoke on the plane of God’s open arms was… me. I rejoiced at the thought that God could use me in that way. Then some doubt wandered in, I asked myself if I would have the courage to stand up and say those things. I wondered if the right words would really come to me? After some thought I knew the truth and I told myself, “Yes! I would do that for God, I would stand up no matter how afraid I was and be that person!!!!” And then I realized… I had a flight in 3 days. On top of that, my child was flying with me. If this vision was for real… it would not only mean sacrificing myself… but my child.

Now, I don’t know how you feel about visions… I’m sort of on the fence myself. I’ve had some come true and some not. This one, all I can say is I was afraid of it. The thought occurred to me to cancel my trip, but I quickly realized that was the devil… messing with me. More than likely, this whole vision was the result of my prayer about how to answer the hard questions. And, it also was an opportunity to put my faith in action. I decided, I was getting on that plane no matter what. In fact, I was getting on every plane I ever needed to get on for the rest of my life. If God has this plan for me, I wasn’t going to run from it. I was reminded of the story of Jonah. God would put me right where He wanted me no matter what – it was up to me how much I kicked and screamed about it. In making the decision to trust God, I realized I had shut down the devil’s plan to make me a doubting coward. I laughed at him… he he he… sucker! Then I proceeded to tell my few trusted friends about it, just in case it happened… they would know.

I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous as I walked through the next two days. I had this strange yet calm feeling that I might not be around any longer. I rejoiced at the thought of being in heaven… then felt sad for my husband and how that would effect his life… and the thought of my son… ah, a dagger to my heart. But I looked to God and said… send me, I trust you.

The morning of my flight I got up and took my shower. Got dressed then went to brush my teeth. As I looked in the mirror, I said a prayer in my head. “God, if this should be my last day on this earth, let me be the best example for you I can be in everything I do…”

BAM!!!!

Shouldn’t that be my state of mind ALL THE TIME??? Shouldn’t that be my desire regardless of a vision or fear of impending death?? I mean, vision or not - this could be my last day... tomorrow could be my last day... who knows when it's gonna happen!!!! It was at that moment I felt like I understood what God was trying to teach me. Live everyday as if it’s your last… live every moment as though you can’t take it back… don’t let opportunities to do the right thing, share the truth or just be nice slip away!!! WOW!!!! Sure I’ve heard all that before, but this was something different… this was me going through the emotion of it all.

Okay, so I was still a little bit nervous about my flight… less nervous when I realized I was sitting in the window seat while the person in my vision was sitting in an aisle seat (phew). But there was an awful lot of turbulence on that flight, more than I had ever endured before. In the end, I sighed a giant sigh of relief once I made it to Virginia. And I was proud that I had allowed my faith to grow instead of chickening out… but mostly I felt enlightened by God and so encouraged by the way He not only answered my question but also showed me His heart. We truly never know His reasoning and we will never know what happened in those moments right before the tragedy. All we can do is believe that The Creator of the universe loves us and knows what He is doing. I have no doubt He wants every single one of us by His side in the end. A few days later, I realized I still had the fight home to contend with… but it was all good.

Water: Take Two

I posted a note on Facebook on December 19, 2008 called "Water". I don't think anyone read it... and to be honest I totally forgot I wrote it. For some reason, I stumbled upon it today and thought it was pretty interesting. I have improved greatly in the last year on my water intake but I'm still working on it. Drinking more water is one of my goals for 2010. I hope you enjoy!

WATER -December 19, 2008

This morning I turned on the tv and it was on the Christian channel. Kenneth Copeland was on. I don't normally watch preachers on TV (not that I have a problem with it - I just prefer church in the flesh). In any case, I left it on while I was searching for something for my son to watch and I couldn't help but to hear what Copeland and his wife were talking about. It made a lot of sense to me and I wanted to share it because I felt like a light bulb switched on over my head. These are his thoughts but my interpretation...

Drinking water is good for your body. Water is the best drink, it is healthy and our bodies need it to replenish, rejuvenate, heal, and survive this world. Basically, water is pure and simple sustenance and our bodies were made to NEED water. Unfortunately, the majority of people these days don't drink nearly enough water, some of us (like me) don't drink hardly any straight water. Why?? Well, it doesn't taste like anything. It's boring. There is no "WOW" or immediate gratification. I would rather have soda or coffee - because it tastes better. I know they aren't healthy for me, but I drink them anyway.

It's funny, water isn't addictive at all. It takes discipline and conscious thought to make sure we drink enough water everyday - but coffee, soda, alcohol - they become addictions and we end up just drinking it in excess without a fleeting thought.

In the Bible, the Spirit is also referred to as water.... hmmm.... draw the conclusion... our lives and our bodies need "water" in both ways, H2O and Spirit. In both cases, it takes intentional thought and discipline to have them present. Just as I will never become addicted to water, the Spirit will never push himself on me and beg me to let Him in. I must invite Him with purpose and intention everyday.

All the worldly things that taste good, feel good, that are easily accessed and give immediate gratification become addictions, obsessions and distraction from the "water" I really need to be healthy and live life the way God intended. So, drinking water is about obedience to God; taking care of our temple and staying connected to His Spirit. They both require thought and will not just happen on their own. This really made sense to me... I'm going to make an effort to drink more water... both kinds :)

Sleeping Tiger

I have a very active dream life, in fact my first book was based on a dream I had. Most times I don't think my dreams mean very much, but occasionally I have one where I know God is speaking to me. It's obvious to me in several ways. First, the memory of the dream is uncanny and second the symbols within the dream are unmistakable, as if the Spirit is whispering in my ear... “here's what this meant... you better listen!” I had one of those dreams the other night and while I think I know what it means in my own life, I feel like I am supposed to share it. I believe it is supposed to mean something to one of you as well. I don't know who you are or what it means to you but I believe whoever you are, God will point you to this page and you will get the message. So, here it is... the dream...

My husband and I were looking to buy a new house, not because we needed a house, but because we wanted something bigger and better at a good deal. There was this one house we thought would be perfect so we asked our real estate agent to take us to see it. Before arriving, our agent warned us not to get too interested in the house because there were some legal issues surrounding the “owners” of the house; yes the house was for sale but there was some question as to who actually owned the house. Until that got figured out, nothing could happen. Our agent confided in us that he didn't believe the house would be able to be sold. Right before we went inside, we were given one more piece of information: we were told to ignore the tigers that lived there. HUH? Tigers??? Yes, there were two REAL full-size tigers that roamed freely in the house. Our agent assured us if we ignored them, they wouldn't bother us so it was safe to go in. Okay.... in we went.

To summarize: we want a bigger, better house but don't need it, the house we are looking at doesn't appear to even be available and we enter the house even though we have full knowledge there are two tigers inside. Hmmmm... we aren't sounding too smart, are we?

So we go in. Immediately I see one of the tigers in the living room. It was curled up sleeping soundly on the floor. It looked cute... big, but cute. We looked around, loved what we saw (aside from the tiger) and moved on to see the rest of the house. My husband and I finished looking around without ever seeing the other tiger. We left without incident. Despite the tigers, we really liked the house. We decide we want it knowing that it probably isn't available. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we really want it. How human of us!

Next thing I knew we are back in the car with the agent to go see the house again. This time we have brought some friends with us to see what they think of it. We were so excited, telling our friends all about this perfect house we just have to have. We waited until we got to the front door to tell them about the tigers, and we told them as though it were no big deal. Our friends looked at us like we were completely insane and refused to enter the “den of pending death.” Finally, someone with some intelligence! It took some convincing, but we finally talked them into going in with us. Again, there was a tiger sleeping in the living room. Our friends were totally freaked out but we tip toed around the big animal and moved on to see the rest of the house, still no sign of the other tiger.

We’re almost ready to leave but one of my friends was missing so we got a little worried. We found her in the living room staring at the sleeping tiger. Her fear of the animal had been replaced by intrigue. We warned her of the danger as she got closer and closer to the tiger but she didn't listen. Her fear didn't seem to exist anymore... her fear had become false confidence that nothing could happen to her. She reached her hand out slowly to touch the sleeping animal as we watched in petrified horror. In slow motion I saw the tips of her fingers stroke the fur for this first time. As if shocked herself, she smiled as she continued to stroke the tiger’s soft hair. She knelt and continued. One by one, each of us began to relax as her affection of the animal seemed to be accepted without problem. Before long she was scratching the large cat behind the ear, as the resting animal purred loudly appearing to enjoy the attention.

It was time to leave, so we began to head out the door. My friend was happy to have had a chance to be so close to such an amazing creature. It was a once in a lifetime experience she was pleased to have had. She was smiling and proud she conquered her fear. She felt invincible as she rose to her feet and took a final look at the motionless, giant, sleeping cat.

With a sigh of relief that the petting was over, I waited for my friend to walk out the front door. She turned her back away from the tiger with a giant smile on her face and began to leave. Just when all seemed perfect, the tiger awoke to see my friend walking away. In the blink of an eye the tiger stood, snapping out his massive paw, and grabbed my friend. His claws tore into the flesh of her back. Her face changed from joy to shock and then to torturous pain. I stood witnessing the animal dragging her back into his full grip. I watched helplessly knowing he would devour her without guilt, for that was his nature.

My sleeping tiger dream faded to black and was thankfully over.

This dream means many things to me personally... I have played all of these roles within this dream many times in my lifetime: the consumer driven by want rather than need that flippantly draws others close to danger, the homeowner who is trying to sell something they do not own, the middleman agent who speaks the truth yet does nothing for the sake of prevention, the once cautious yet curious friend who is drawn to danger and ultimately consumed as a result, and the ultimate predators - the tigers (the one in view AND the one in hiding). I'm thankful the Spirit cares for me enough to take the time to make me aware of the role I am playing right now. I don't like it, but it is the truth. I know the only way I can do better is to see the truth. In short, we can pretend it is only a dream but I believe awareness of the role we play in every situation is the only way to keep from being devoured by the tiger. And just so you know, I also believe the ultimate way to be devoured by the tiger is to make the choice to be the tiger.

Beyond the Glitz and Glam

It’s amazing to me how when I put myself in the Word of God with other people (that second part is so important) how God finds the perfect way to answer my questions or heal my wounds. Don’t get me wrong, studying the Bible alone is great, but when I say being with others while in the Word is important, I mean it. I have learned significant lessons from others in every single Bible study I have been a part of. It’s not necessarily that they themselves knew anything particularly awesome or insightful, it’s that God’s Spirit was able to use their mouths to say His words to touch me right where I needed to me touched. When one studies the Bible alone, God doesn’t get that opportunity. I’ve heard Him time and time again in small rooms filled with regular sinners just like me who think they have no business being there. This phenomenon always leaves me in awe.

The last month has been rough for me. Part of it has no doubt been due to a hormonal flux related to a medical issue but a bigger part of it is simply put, my own darn fault. This recovering alcoholic got a little too comfortable with herself and her own will. She got confident in matters that no one should ever be confident in. She was riding proudly upon her high-horse and lost her humility. I’m not gonna lie, pride and humility are big issues for me so I have to keep them in check. Unfortunately I let my checks and balance sheet fall on the floor and get shoved under the nightstand along with some dust-bunnies and a few lost socks.

My pride is always matched with simultaneous insecurity – it’s an alcoholic trait and I have to say, if there is anything I am good at it’s being a classic alcoholic, even though I haven’t had a drink in years. Walking around with incredible insecurity covered up by great pride can only result in one thing for me… crash and burn, bottom-of-the-barrel self-loathing and depression. Yep… so that’s where I was headed… faster than you can say… stupid girl. I was filled with anxiety and every little issue in my life was becoming a Goliath sized obstacle I felt I would never be able to tackle. I remember crying because an ice cube fell out of the ice tray and onto my foot (ouch). I was sure it was some sort of demonic personal attack when in reality; it was just gravity and bad timing. My pride was trumping my faith.

Only by the grace of God, and the beautiful way Jesus and the Spirit intercede on our behalf when we are speechless was I able to make a cry for help before it was too late. My cry was also heard by “my prayer partner troop” who quickly marched in and surrounded me with prayers of protection and awareness. I’m thankful that my pride didn’t keep me from sending out that prayer request e-mail to my trusted friends because the power of prayer in times of need is… overwhelming.

My anxiety subsided almost immediately but what remained was disappointment in myself that I had failed God yet again. I was sad, sorry and humbled… humbled to the point I didn’t feel worthy of the love of God. What a terrible feeling that is… and a selfish one too. Who am I to decide God can’t love me?

I waited until the last minute to prepare for my Bible study because that’s what I do when life is rough, put off all the things that I know are good for me… stupid girl. The lesson was John 13:1 – 14:14. It’s the part where Jesus takes the disciples to the upper room for the last supper and tries to prepare them for His pending death. As I read and answered the questions I saw something I had never seen before. The disciples were kind of ticking me off. In my little mind they seemed far more concerned with the glitz and glam of being one of Jesus’ chosen few. It seemed they expected Him to do something amazing like kill all of their enemies with the wink of an eye… then they’d be left standing with smirks on their faces as if they had done it themselves. I got a bit judgmental (another flaw of mine) thinking all they cared about was being in His presence and feeling special. Through the ladies in my study group, the Spirit quickly reminded that the disciples had no idea what was to come so I should cut them a break. Even as Jesus was trying to tell them, they just weren’t getting it.

The Maundy Thursday message (the last supper message) was a new command (that’s what Maundy means)… Jesus told them to “love one another as I have loved you.” This was their new commandment, if you will. I imagine them sitting there staring at Him with blank faces saying, “Huh? What do you mean??”

In the closing message of our Bible study, God’s spirit spoke to me through our leader, whose name is Mary. Mary told me (she was talking to everyone but I swear it was just for me) that the disciples got all wrapped up in pride. None of them wanted to pick up the basin to wash the feet that night because none of them wanted to be the lowest man on the totem pole. (As the story goes, Jesus ended up doing that dirty job but with the ultimate servant’s heart.) Earlier, the 12 were griping among themselves about who Jesus loved the most and that night when Jesus told them He was going to be leaving them… oh they just couldn’t handle it. Their pride wanted to stay with Him so they could continue to be special.

In that moment, it all came clear in my head. I realized if I had been in the room that night, I wouldn’t have gotten it either. I would have been just like them, enjoying the rush and attention of being with a very wanted, powerful guy. I would have been a groupy, hanging on every word most likely for the wrong reasons. I would have been wanting Jesus to squash all those who had wronged me, just because He could. Pride would have ruined everything… and that was exactly what I had just been doing in my own life. I was just like them, prideful and missing the point. I needed to be humbled.

That’s when the Spirit guided Mary to say, “Any of you who love the Lord your God, know that you will always be His. Once you are His, you are always His.” It was then I realized that my human failure wasn’t a reason for God to disown me or stop loving me. Of course I knew that already, but I had somehow forgotten it... in my human wisdom. I am so thankful I was reminded that He will always love me, for I am His. Finally, I was able to forgive myself, again. Temporary pride didn't make me a bad person... just like it didn't make the disciples bad people either. I am so comforted by the fact that God filled the Bible with people just like me!

Committed to finding humility, I washed my husband’s feet that night. It was a very cool experience, if you’ve never done that…read John 13: 1-17 then give it a try. Humility is a job for me, a full time job. Knowing this, I must be diligent and not let my checklist float to the floor and rest with the dust-bunnies.

When the Fight Becomes Natural

I had an awareness come upon me this Christmas that humbled me. As I share this story, it is my hope that you will read it knowing that I do not say it to brag. In fact, none of the thoughts and stories I write and share with you are meant to brag and they are definitely not the things I innately want to write. If you want to read things that I want to write about, you should read my book Desco. No, this isn't a shameless plug to boost sales for I will gladly let you read Desco for free but I do that cringing since I don't think anyone who read it walked away feeling like a better person for it. But I suppose that is my point, the things that I write because I want to write them are essentially crap. The other things that I write, like this... I write because the Spirit tells me to. So, my bragging rights belong to God... He is the one who does the hard work. He just tells me what to share and when.

Whenever I am getting ready to head to the East coast, I always get a little anxious. I think it is mostly because the old places tend to remind me of old behavior (in my case that is super selfishness along with drunkenness). As I prepared to travel home to Virginia for Christmas this year, I was reminded of one of my favorite verses from the Bible, “Only in his hometown and in his own house is a prophet without honor” (Matthew 13:57). Jesus himself experienced what it was like to not be able to overcome what the people who think they know you will allow you to become. I am in no way comparing myself to Jesus or saying I am any type of prophet. I am just saying, it is comforting to know that Jesus knew what it felt like to go back home after miraculous things had begun within him. I can't say I blame my old friends or my family members for perhaps being annoyed by my “new life.” They have seen me at my worst so... how could I change so drastically? How could it possibly be real? Only God knows and thankfully, His opinion is the only one that matters! I rejoice in that.

There is some petty ugliness to this story, its called human nature. But there is also some triumph... and that part is called God's nature. But let’s get on with it. We went to my parents’ church on Christmas Eve. I've been there a few times before but it isn't my church so it's not in my comfort zone. Here is a little known fact about me that might shock you who know me fairly well... I actually have a touch of social anxiety disorder so when I am out of my comfort zone I tend to get sweaty and uncomfortable. We got to church early but there were already a lot of people there. We picked a row and sat down. Because of my anxiety, I like to sit on the end of the row, that way there is a reduced chance of having to sit next to a stranger. There were 5 of us so we spread out and took up the whole row. In my head I sighed (phew... I don't have to sit with anyone I don't know and I can just spread out and be comfortable – ahhhh.” As the church filled up my conscience began to pick at me telling me that I was selfish for taking up the whole row when we could have easily slid down and made room for more people. My brain dismissed the thought quickly, determined to stay exactly where I was; fat, comfortable and selfish.

The next thing I knew I was standing up telling my parent to slide down. I was picking up all our coats off the pew and placing them in a better place to make more room. That made room for one or two more people in the row, open right next to me. In my head I really didn't want to sit next to a stranger but I had made the change anyway. I don't know why or how it happened – my body just did it as if on autopilot.

On Christmas day, after all the presents were opened and it was time to get the food going, I had the thought of how nice it would be to just sit back and enjoy my new “stuff” while awaiting the grand feast. I could sit back in a comfy cloud of laziness awaiting dinner to be served. That sounded way more fun than helping (also known as working) in the kitchen. My sister and mom were starting to get to work as this thought came to me, “they don't need me, they can do it themselves. I'll just be in the way.” The next thing I knew, again with the autopilot thing, I found myself standing in the kitchen asking my mom what I could do to help. I remember thinking, “What are you doing Wendy... you're going to ruin your own lazy fun.” I ended up helping/working a lot to get the Christmas meal on the table yet I still had time to play with my new stuff later.

Later in the evening, long after the food coma had passed, the kids were playing whiffle-ball in the backyard with my husband. They were having a great time but I didn't join in, it was too cold for me! I remember thinking, they better clean up after themselves because I'm sure not gonna go out there and pick up all those balls, bats and plates. After my sister's family headed home for the night, I peaked outside. Guess what... the kids (I include my husband in that group) had not picked up their toys. All of it was strewn about the yard beginning to collect frost in the 31 degree night. I grinned internally with an evil laugh going, “he he he... I'm so glad I don't have to clean that up... it's cold out there!” A little while later I took my dog outside to “do her thing.” The next thing I knew... autopilot had taken over again and I was out there picking up after those darn kiddos. I had a smile on my face too.

It wasn't until the day after Christmas that these three things piled up together in my head and I realized I was actually making progress with my selfishness. I have to be honest with you. Now that I am aware of my ability to fight selfishness and find success and now that I am aware that it is becoming more natural for me... there is this part of me that says, “Darn it!” Why you ask? Well, it's because now I know... I have no choice but to be more responsible for my own actions. It is my job, if you will, to try to continue to defeat my selfishness with even more intention. I must not rest on my laurels for a moment! I shall not stop to pat myself on the back (at least not for too long). You know what they say, if you're not moving forward you are moving backwards. Now that I know I can successfully fight my petty selfishness, I have a responsibility to keep it up. I reiterate “Darn it!” I have no excuse for laziness! Of course I know I will never be perfect and I will never defeat all my selfishness because I am human. But since the whole point of the Christian journey is to become more Christ like, I recognize that I can't just sit back and be satisfied with the progress I currently have made. I need always aspire to be more like Christ. I am overcome with a feeling of responsibility. At one point as I thought about this it actually felt like a burden. Quickly I was reminded of another one of my favorite verses. Jesus said, “my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). I have confirmation! My feelings are justified the burden is real... but if I let Jesus lead, if I stop kicking like a stubborn mule (I really wanted to use the word 'ass' here because that’s what I am a lot of the time), the burden becomes light. When I think of it that way and realize that Jesus is ready, able and willing to guide me through it, that burden miraculously becomes an honor. Today it is my honor to share this with you. I thank you Spirit for changing this 'donkey's behind' into a useful tool.