Blessed & Cursed

If anyone ever tells you that doing God's will is easy, they are lying! Following what God says is often not only difficult but also inconvenient. That's not to say God is difficult or inconvenient, He's not. On the contrary, I have found Him to be quite easy and readily available. More so than any person I have ever met. And it is those characteristics that drive me to lean into the difficult and often inconvenient tasks He tosses at me.

I'm blessed in many ways, but I want to talk about one in particular. God has gifted me with a knowing that I have honed through the years. No, I'm not psychic and I'm not always great at discernment but what I am good at is hearing Him when He speaks to me. Hearing really isn't the right word though. It's not audible...it's more an impression that is placed in my mind. An instinct. I consider it a huge blessing because to me, what it means is God and I are in close contact. I can not think of a better being to be connected to so to have such closeness leaves me in awe daily. When it hits me, it's usually a connection to something or someone that requires careful attention to perceive. Sometimes I ignore it, yep. I do. But the thing about God is that if it is His will He will bring it back to me multiple times, as many times as necessary until I can not deny His movement in the matter. It has happened time and time again so you'd think I'd have learned to just be obedient right away. Ha! Maybe someday.

Unfortunately, with the blessing of His contact comes what feels like a curse at times. A feeling of craziness. An awkward walk that requires blind faith and trust that is challenging to follow in this world of science, fact, and 'do it yourself' mentality. Many times the actions He requests defy reason, or at least earthy reason. Many times, they require oddness and a general lack of concern over what other people think. This is the curse of it, especially to a person like me who struggles with confusing self-esteem with what other's think of me.

I liken it to Noah, the man who built an ark for God. Everyone thought he was crazy and I bet he felt crazy more than once as he followed God's instructions. I bet his heart was hurt by the passers by and scoffers, many of them who believed in the same Lord. I bet he had anger over being chosen, "Why me? Why me?"

I took a little hiatus from writing to take care of some very important personal matters that needed to be addressed and worked on. When the time was right, I took a seat at the computer to continue my career, ready to take on whatever project God had for me.

Blank.

Having writer's block is nothing new. I've learned to just walk away and give it time so I did just that. Again, when the time seemed right, I sat back down in front of the screen.

Blank.

Sigh. This went on for several months. I began to focus on my other job, I'm a transcriptionist, so at least I was being productive and making some money. Election day came and I awoke with an ominous feeling. I had a level of anxiety that was abnormal for me which to me was odd. This passed election was by means fun, but it wasn't anything to have THAT level of anxiety over. I found myself close to tears many times that day but just blew it off the best I could.

Soon after, a barrage of very similar incidents began to rain down on me. It was uncanny how many people came to me in a matter of only two weeks wanting to discuss the same subject: depression and suicide. It's a subject I know a lot about having struggled with suicidal ideation most of my life. I'm open about my relationship with depression and I believe that is why nearly a dozen people reached out to me asking for information on how to see it clearly, how to help a loved one, and two people I love dearly were in the midst of helping a loved one come back from an actual suicide attempt. I knew, this was no coincidence. This was a God-incidence.

I sat wonder if perhaps God was calling me to cease my writing career for the purpose of focusing on the lifting up of those who suffer with the debilitating mental problem of real depression. It made my heart sink to think He might be asking me to stop doing something I love (writing) to go and do something so people-centric. It's NOT what I wanted and I stomped my feet like a five year old a few times as I attempted to submit myself to His will.

Shortly before Thanksgiving, God put something in front of me that gave me great anxiety and sadness, much like I felt on Election day. It weighed on me for three days and I knew it was important but didn't know why. But then Thanksgiving hit and I became distracted.

A few days later, God put this VERY SAME thing in front of me in a DIFFERENT location and the same anxiety hit me. I knew instantly, God was calling me to listen. He was calling me to take action yet I had NO CLUE what action to take but I nodded my head and said, "Tell me what to do."

I spent the next two days crying as though someone had drowned my dearly beloved puppy right before my eyes. I was seriously mourning the loss of something I never had. Actually, I was mourning the loss of a "could-have", possibly "should-have" had. I knew I needed to to do something to easy the pain I felt and while I wish I could tell you the specifics and not be so ambiguous, I can't, so bear with me. What I can tell you is, I felt a little crazy and that crazy feeling made me scared to tell anyone what was happening within me.

I wrote my feelings in a letter with a plan to send it out into the universe and I knew exactly where I needed to go to release it. On the way there, I called two different friends I trust with my life and told them of my craziness. Both had compassion and understanding of what I was doing and were supportive, despite what I expressed as "sounding nuts." I knew exactly what to do to put this whole thing to rest and stick an "I'm done" flag in it.

Things did not go as planned though. What I desperately wanted to do was not safely possible so I sat in my car wondering what plan B was going to be. In the silence, God guided me someplace different and I followed obediently. Once there, His impression was clear...

LOOK!

"I am. I don't see anything."

LOOK CLOSER!

I widened my view of the world taking in every detail, as well as the big picture all at once. My heart skipped a beat when my eyes fastened to the very thing I was led by God to see. In disbelief at what I was seeing, I knew this little crazy trip of mine was not going to be a finale. No, it was only the beginning and I was about to have to become Noah.

Tenaciousness nearing obsession overcame me as I began to dive deeper into a mystery. God impressed, I listened and moved. Crazy, nuts, filled with compassion and God's agape love (crazy, nuts, and agape all fit together perfectly) I went where he lead, said what He asked, and watched a mystery begin to make perfect sense to me.

One morning, I was making breakfast and fell into the sweetest daydream, a wishful-thinking best-case-scenario ending to all of these events and I beamed inside at the simple thought of this possibility. But my smile was stolen by reality quickly as I spoke audibly,

"Who am I kidding? That's NOT going to happen!"

Quickly God impressed upon me something amazing and I spoke aloud again,

"But I could write a book about that!"

My smile returned instantly as I realized, God wasn't done with my writing career at all. In fact, what He wanted from me was a combination of the two things I thought I was going to have to choose between. Well, how about that. God sure is smart! In addition, just two days ago I was asked to be part of a start up Christian ministry that will provide support for depression. I feel very honored and I accepted.

That is how the idea for my current work in progress arrived. Depression, suicide, mystery, and the perfect daydream filled with enough hope to give any reader a chance to embrace compassion, understanding, and love. The story will be about two characters who struggle with depression, each handling it in a different way. Their lives will intersect and through their interactions, the reader can receive many messages. The depressed will learn that they are not alone in their struggle, that there is a way out, coping skills, and hopefully they will see pure hope despite their condition. The people who don't understand depression will become educated about what it really is and realize that it isn't as simple as changing your attitude or chosing to "let it go". In addition, they will learn hoe to see it, how to really notice it, and how to respond. Finally, the world at large will hopefully get a very important message about compassion and the importance of it in our everyday lives.

There is more to the mystery and my Noah-like actions that followed which have led to some good ole' hurt by passers by and scoffers (many of them who believed in the same Lord), as well as anger over being chosen, "Why me, Lord?". I have been attacked over this, I've been called horrible names, and I've been frightened but make no mistake, I will follow as long as He leads. I now fully understand exactly why I felt such dread on Election Day and believe me, it had nothing to do with the actual election. I now understand why God gave me so many emotions over a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with me, and I now understand that the persecution I face is just beginning. But here's the thing about God, He doesn't lead us then leave us when the going gets tough. No, He brought me this far and my obedience to the craziness has led to my current circumstances. I know without doubt He is holding me in the palm of His hand and He's got this! 100% got this. Whether it ends well or not, whether it causes tears or smiles (most likely both), whether it makes me look insane or simply like a person who cares- He's got it under control and I trust Him. I trust Him 100%, good, bad and ugly. He WILL and trust me, already has, made GOOD from a very sad and bad situation.

So, I here i am moving forward with my task feeling both blessed and cursed and I can honestly say, I wouldn't change a thing. Have an amazing day!

Dead Squirrel

We cut down two trees in our front yard. One was way past dead and could have fallen on our house at any given time. I’m glad to have that eyesore gone! The other was hidden under a canopy of other trees so it has been reaching to the west for sunlight since it sprouted. As a result, it was leaning excessively and not looking all that healthy. We made the decision to cut them down and what had taken decades to bring into current form, only took less than 30 minutes to bring down to the ground and cut into small pieces. It’s amazing to think about how one decision can drastically change everything.

The next thing we had to do is get all the debris out of the yard. We hauled the small pieces to the wood pile in the backyard to be used in the fireplace next winter and we cut and bundled the brush so we could leave it on the curb to be picked up by the trash company. Thirteen very large trunk pieces remained and littered the yard so we had to figure out what to do with them. They were too big for trash pick up and too big to burn in the fireplace. We didn’t have the tools needed to split them and didn’t have a vehicle to haul them in. My husband rolled them over to the side of the yard and made a neat pile, hoping we would figure out a solution quickly.

The next day when I went out to get the mail, I was startled by something I saw in the pile of huge trunks. A squirrel tail was poking from between two trunks on the bottom of the pile. I took a closer look and saw the squirrel tail was connected to a very dead squirrel. It was strange. It was like he just crawled into that nice little spot to die… he wasn’t stuck under anything and didn’t appear to be injured… just dead. Poor little guy. I have never gotten rid of a dead animal on my property before and I was really hoping my husband would take care of it… bless his heart, I think he was hoping I would… we both ignored the squirrel in an effort to wait for the other to take care of it (sad, but true.)

A few days later, I had worked out a deal with a landscaping company. I paid them a few bucks to come and pick up those trunks and get them out of our yard. After lunch, my hubby decided to take the dog for a walk… off they went while I cleaned up the dishes from cooking eggs, bacon and hashbrowns (a Sunday favorite at my place).

A few moments after he left with the dog, I hear the garage door open and in a slightly alarmed voice, I hear Ryan say, “Babe… we have a problem!”

I walked over to the door to see what was the matter. My eyes fell on my husband and thankfully he looked fine. I felt a little relief. I then looked down towards the dog, she walked into full view… cute little Goldie, the Golden Retriever, proudly hauling… the dead squirrel in her mouth.

I screamed “GROSS!” as loudly as I could. Then heard my husband explain, “I can’t get her to let it go… what do we do?” I began laughing in between my loud “GROSS” screams. I grabbed the training tool I have that makes a buzzing sound that only dogs can hear. She hates that thing and usually just picking it up makes her do anything I ask her to do. We went out into the driveway and I pushed the button… five times… and it became obvious that she had no intention of giving up her new toy. Her jaws were clamped tight and we could not budge her. Now, imagine for a moment, trying to open a dog’s jaws to get a dead squirrel out of its mouth… while trying desperately not to touch the dead squirrel… not easy I tell you. By some crazy miracle, she finally gave it up… and the squirrel’s limp, lifeless body hit the ground.

Hubby dragged the dog away from the carcass and that left me as the leading candidate to do away with the body… lucky me. He (yes, the squirrel was a he) was gently placed in a hefty bag then triple bagged for safe keeping until tomorrow, trash day.

I can’t get the image of my dog standing proudly with a gross, disgusting, three-day old dead squirrel in her mouth out of my head. It is totally cracking me up! Here’s the sad part though… I don’t think we humans are all that different than my dog in matters like this. How many of us have our jaws clamped tightly on something that is so bad for us that everyone around us is trying their hardest to get us to let go? They are buzzing us or maybe even commanding us to put it down. We know it’s because they care for us, we know that it’s probably the right thing to do… but because of our sinful nature… we just can’t part with it. I believe 100% that it takes a miracle to pry it from our grip. It’s only God’s power that can remove the stinking carcass from our mouths.

I’ve been working so hard for over a year now to make God’s current plan for my life come to fruition. He tasked me, along with my sponsor Jerry, with starting a Celebrate Recovery group at Community of Hope in Mansfield TX. We have been so blessed to have 10 of the most awesome people ever created, all special in their own unique ways, all people who have let God’s power free them from their own personal dead squirrels… come into view to partner with us on this project. Opening night is April 7th and I am filled with anxious energy… most of it good. I can’t wait to see how God is going to use the obedience of myself and the rest of the leaders to help others open their jaws and release the stinking carcasses that are literally ‘reeking’ havoc in their lives.

If you are reading this and you have thought that perhaps you might be interested in Celebrate Recovery… but you are trying to talk yourself out of it, maybe you don’t think you really have a problem, maybe you don’t want other people to know your struggle, maybe you’re too embarrassed, maybe you think we’re just gonna sit around and complain… or maybe you don’t think your issues is “big” enough to go to a group like this over… I ask you to loosen your jaw a little. I ask you to set your excuse to the side and just make the decision to come if for no other reason but to support me in my venture… I really hope I won’t be standing up front looking at 100 empty chairs on opening night. Come… support me… check it out… however you make yourself get there, make the decision to come. It’s amazing! One decision truly can drastically change everything.

My Experience on "The Journey"

I went to a special event on Good Friday called “The Journey.” It was a self-paced walk through the last days and hours of Jesus. There were 12 different stations… and it was AMAZINGLY touching. I helped put it together, but I wanted to experience it… just like everyone else did. When I embarked on “the Journey” I had no idea how long it would take… 10 minutes? A half hour??? Well, I didn’t keep track of the time but I will say this… I was in there a LONG time yet it felt like a flash. I want to take you on my journey…

Station One: Listening

I entered the room where a television sat spewing a loud, obnoxious static-filled screen. I sat down… and starred at it. My guide booklet told me the world is filled with noise, so I needed to try to drown it out. When I was ready… I turned the television off. I prayed that God would quiet my soul and allow me to absorb the experience. I asked Him to erase my prior knowledge of the set up… so that I could see it with fresh eyes.

(The rest of the stations were dimly lit and very quiet… moving music played in the background that rose and fell with cathartic whispers at just the right time.)

Station Two: Becoming

Jesus was really human. I could hear His heartbeat… I mentally pictured Him as a modern day baby who had His diaper changed by His loving mother. I pictured Him playing with trains or kicking a soccer ball around. It hit me… He was just like me in flesh. He needed to eat to thrive, He felt pain when He fell and scraped His knee on the playground, He dealt with friends who loved Him one minute then stabbed Him in the back the next. He knew all about sibling rivalry and what it was like to have to listen to His mommy and daddy. He knew exactly what I felt like in every stage of my life. I was humbled by what an incredible gift that alone was, that God gave us a Savior that really truly knew us.

Station Three: Worshiping

I dipped a cotton swap in fragrant oil. I don’t know what the smell was, but it was nice. I sat and absorbed the experience, just as the cotton was soaked in the oil. To my great surprise, I began to sob. Why? As I read about how Mary poured out her most prized possession on Jesus’ feet, I realized how selfish I am with what I give Jesus. Lately, I’ve been stingy. Lately, I’ve been blocked. Lately, I’ve felt far away. I apologized to Him… and asked that He enlighten me as to how I can correct this. I told Him I want to give Him my best and stop saving just my scraps for Him. I cried for a long while.

Station Four: Sharing

Communion was offered here. I took it but I have to be honest… I didn’t feel forgiven of my sins in that moment. I know that was self imposed though. When God forgives… he does it fully. When I attempt to do something… it’s never fully. The guide booklet told me about how Jesus chose to be with His disciples in His last evening. It reminded me that I am not alone on my journey, ever. I felt alone though, God seemed far away.

Station Five: Trusting

Jesus went to the garden to pray. He was deeply grieved and asked God if there was any way out of this horrible end… He stopped Himself and said, “No… not what I want… but what You want Father!” Jesus traded His dreams for the dream of His Father. What a sacrifice! His life… for mine. I have a hard time just putting down the M&M bag.

Station Six: Allowing

I felt a rope, a rope that may have been similar to one used to bind Jesus when he was arrested. I imagined Him holding out his hands willingly when it was time. There was no fight… He allowed them to take him. He allowed His future to unfold without pause. There were chairs there… but I went to my knees instead. How many times have I kicked and screamed and fought against what I knew was right? What’s ironic is those things that I went after, the things I fought against my Father to get, were the things that ended up binding me tighter than a rope like that could have ever held me. I’ve used the phrase “freedom through surrender” many times since I have found sobriety, but it was at this station that I realized, Jesus set me free through His surrender.

Station Seven: Humiliating

This grungy, painful station was rough. A slow, old-time, crooked, silent movie of the taunting faces of the guards played over and over. A real crown of thorns was showcased… it was brutal. I thought about my childhood and how I was taunted and teased by my peers. I allowed those memories to come fresh in my mind and I realized they were nothing in comparison to what Jesus endured. In fact, my history of “crap” was a cake walk. My daily aches and pains, my frustrations with the world and the people in it are silly. In fact, I deserve every little bit of it. I deserve worse. I felt my load lighten… I felt I was finally letting the last bit of it go. Jesus endured torture and beating for me, it’s like spitting at him myself when I allow little insignificant things hurt me so deeply… He did that for me so I wouldn’t have to.

Station Eight: Inviting

Here I was invited to be like Simon of Cyrene, and take on the burden of Jesus’ cross for the remainder of His journey to crucifixion. I looked in the giant cross of mirrors and saw my face looking back at me. I didn’t recognize myself… I really didn’t. Who am I? I asked myself if I could have carried the cross for Jesus that day – would I have? I think I would have tried my hardest. I love Jesus, and I am so thankful for what He did for me. I get a chance to carry that burden every day… and I do some of it, and I get too comfortable with what I do thinking that is enough. I think to myself that I do more than the average person so God is proud of me. I am too proud of myself. I can do so much more, so much better. I was reminded that “His yoke is easy and his burden is light” and I asked Him to let me carry more. I realized I am ready for a heavier cross, Lord… I’m stagnant with the one I have. I don’t seem to be going anywhere.

Station Nine: Forgiving

After sitting and contemplating for a long while, I wrote my biggest sin on a piece of paper and I physically nailed my sin to the cross.

Station Ten: Dying

I picked a candle and watched the flame flicker. It dances around illuminating its area with joy. It was alive to me. It was breathing… air, oxygen, carbon dioxide were exchanging glances. My job… no I don’t really want to do this… do I have to? But I don’t want to be responsible for this… I don’t want to face the truth. After some procrastination I went ahead and did it. Using the snuffer… I deprived the flame of what it needed to exist and it died right in front of me. As the smoke lifted from the once-lit wick, I imagined the life and spirit of Jesus floating away… just like that. As much as I don’t like it, I am responsible.

Station Eleven: Closing

I felt pretty strong when I got here. In fact, I sort of felt like I was too strong, like I hadn’t been moved enough by this whole experience. I wondered if there was something wrong with me??? Why hadn’t I been crying like a baby… why hadn’t I been more emotional? I knew there was only one station after this one and I wondered if I was going to miss out on a defining moment??? I was sure this station wasn’t going to do it for me so I felt slightly disappointed in myself. I turned to my guide booklet and began to read. There was a question toward the end… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” I paused. I read it again… “Have you ever felt like your faith was at a dead end?” Tears began to flow from my eyes uncontrollably… “yes… yes I have felt that way. I feel that way right now, God. My faith is at a dead end… why is it not going anywhere??? Why does God feel so far from me???” I cried and cried as I thought this over. It is safe to say… that defining moment I was wondering about… happened.

Station Twelve: Transitioning

The last station was simple, just a place to sit or kneel and contemplate the journey I had just taken. Matthew 16:24 was the first thing written in the guide:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

I have to admit, I didn’t really read beyond that because as I read… four words jumped off the page at me. I knelt and repeated them over and over in my mind knowing God was telling me something.

…he must deny himself… he must deny himself… he must deny himself…

The guide booklet said that even though this was the last station, the journey wasn’t really over. Whenever I read something like that, I have to say I am cynical. I was cynical in that moment. I got up and headed out the door to resume my “helping” duties for the night.


So that was Friday night. Saturday was pretty normal. We went to a pancake breakfast and a wonderful Easter egg hunt that managed to make Easter about Jesus and not candy or bunnies or eggs. We had a fabulous time as a family! Later, we did yard work, ate dinner and watched 24 on DVR… normal stuff. All day I sort of had this strange feeling that I was missing something though, I was content but I felt like something was blowing right passed me.

As I got ready for bed I started to go through the journey I had been on Friday night in my head. I thought about the things that had moved me and reached out to me. I realized I still had that feeling of separation from God, and it hurt. I guess that’s one of those things that can be bittersweet. Knowing the joy of what it feels like to be right next to God in nearly all I do, only leaves me painfully longing to have it back when I’m away for too long. Out of nowhere, I recalled something else. A few months ago I did a “bucket list” and posted it as an article. In that, God revealed to me that the manuscript I’ve been writing for Him for over a year now seemed to clearly be the current mission God has for me. In a flash I realized I hadn’t thought about writing or studying on that in a long while. In fact, I somehow had just… abandoned it for a time. Had I REALLY forgotten about it that easily? I had to admit, yes, it had been the farthest thing from my mind. I remembered a distraction that came into my life that aided in my “forgetfulness” of the manuscript but I had gotten rid of that distraction completely… weeks ago. Since then… I have no idea what was keeping me from moving forward. I had a “Duh” moment… Hmmm… I was feeling far away from God… while the farthest thing from my mind was the work He seemed to have charged me to do for Him. Could this be a… coincidence??? I think not. Duh!!!!

I am humbly reminded that one of the initial steps to getting close to God is figuring out what it is He wants me to do. The next logical step after that is to actually do it. I think a lot of us walk through life having no clue what God’s purpose for our life is, but make no mistake… He had a specific purpose in mind when He created every single one of us. If you are wondering what yours could be… the first step is uncovering your God given spiritual gifts. I encourage you to take a class that will help you find out what yours are. If you need help finding resources… talk to your pastor or a leader in your church, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

As for me, it’s time to refocus. It’s time to anoint God with my best perfume instead of the tester tube I got free the last time I walked through JC Penneys. It’s time to deny myself of the things I think are important and pick up that cross… always remembering His burden is light and His yoke is easy. The cool thing for me is that I love to write this manuscript so it’s not like it is even a sacrifice to do what He is asking of me. I’ll bet that when I actually pick up that cross I will find that I will be closer to Him, closer than ever and that is exciting! This cynic recognizes my journey is continuing… and I can’t wait to get started again!

I want to thank Dustin Bauerle not only for incepting this idea at COH but for asking me to be part of it. I'd also like to thank the leadership at Commiunity of Hope FUMC in Mansfield, TX for encouraging events like these. Lives were changed!