Good vs. Great

Self care has become an important part of my life. At first it felt selfish, but I slowly began to realize it is more selfish NOT to take care of myself. I have admitted to myself that I am the kind of person who NEEDS alone time, down time, selfish “me” time. I am the kind of person who needs to have a time to shut the world out so that I can function productively as I live in the world. Admitting this is one of the best things I have ever done. Through this admission, I am learning to put myself before others… and not feel selfish or guilty about it because when I take care of myself, I am better prepared to be who God calls me to be for others.

Yesterday, I was struck with a heavy feeling…sadness. I wasn’t able to identify why until much later that evening. It was plain and simple loneliness. But that didn’t make sense to me because I usually have a lot of people around me. Plus I have people calling me, emailing me constantly. I shouldn’t be lonely!

I decided to do a recap of one of my recent regular days. I counted the number of phone calls, emails, and other contacts I had in that day. The number was very high… so if the number of interactions was what mattered for loneliness then I shouldn’t have been feeling lonely at all.

God asked me to look at something else… quality of contact. My heart felt like He was asking me to look at the self-care quality… not the quality of the person or the conversation… but what that interaction added to my quality of life. I reviewed my emails, phone messages, and memories of conversations through-out the day and I knew quickly, God was showing me exactly why I was feeling lonely.

95% of the contact I had on that random, normal day had been all or mostly about what someone else wanted or needed from me. “Can you help me with… Will you volunteer for… Are you available to show me… Can you give me… What should I do about… Will you read my… Can you help me… Will you write my… Will you listen to my… I want to tell you about my… Call me so I can ask you about my…” Just reviewing it was EXHAUSTING. And all of that was outside of the needs of my family. No wonder I was lonely. Most the people in my life don’t contact me because of me… they contact me because they want something from me. That is not to say they don’t care about me… I know some of them do… but wow…everybody wants some thing and allowing this to continue is SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!!!!! And this was my own fault! Allowing people to need me or want me is a sick way for me to feel good about myself. This was an awakening for me. This was about self-care. This was about me looking at my defects in this area and figuring out how I had created this madness in my life. This was about me figuring how to work toward changing for the better. This was about me learning that I NEED to allow others to care for me too.

My therapist told me something recently that made me think. He told me that I seem to be a person who does a lot of good things with my life and time. In fact, there probably isn’t much that I do that isn’t for the “good” in some way. It felt nice to hear that… but he had more to offer. He said… “Good things are good… but maybe you need to start looking toward the GREAT things God has in mind for you, instead of the good.”

Being there for others is one of the main ways I achieve good feelings about myself. I mean it’s good to help others. It’s good to volunteer. It’s good to teach others. It’s good to give. It’s good to share my experiences. It’s good to listen. It’s good to answer. It’s good to reach my hand out. It’s good to walk next to others.

But being lonely is not good. Working for acceptance is not good. Continuing in one way relationships is not good. Never letting others care for me is not good. Allowing the life to be sucked out of me is not good.

So, I know what is good and I know what is not good… let me now ask myself…

What would be GREAT?
Great would be to feel good about myself and who I am just because I am Wendy; God’s daughter… a daughter who is able to receive just as much as she gives. Great would be to depend more on what God thinks of me than anything else. Great would be to feel like I am moving toward His plan rather than just staying busy.

I’m shooting for great now and it’s time for action. Self care has got to come first and the life suckers have to go! (I have a feeling it will be pretty easy to figure out who they are… for starters they probably won’t read this article.)

Ryan and I strongly believe God's new direction for our lives is for us to be foster parents. We are preparing for that with classes, prayer, community and lots of paperwork. I have to prepare for fostering personally by learning to take good care of myself so I can be the best darn foster parent I can be. Preparing for fostering has got to be my priority in life. To do that, I have to let other things go, no matter how good they are because God's plan for me to be a foster parent is going to be GREAT.

Off Target

It was spring in the late 1990’s in Delaware when I walked into Target for the very first time in my life. It was a defining moment in shopping for me… I was in love! In the same way love for all the wrong men had blinded me in the past, my love for the “Red-and-White Bull’s-Eye” also blinded me. Finally in 2009... cold, angry, cash depleted and left with a pile of possessions that looked really cool but were completely unnecessary for anyone to own, I finally cut the cord. I shouted bravely, “Never again shall I darken your doorway Target!” Many stood by nay-saying, “You can’t do it, Wendy! You’ll be back in there in a week tops.” But I was serious; determined that this would be it! Many doubted and wondered how and why I could possibly make such a bold and drastic decision. This is my story. Your questions will be answered; your curiosity will be quenched as you read this article of why I decided to get “Off Target” for good.

The first incident should have been the last. I risk losing the respect of every one of my readers by sharing this with you, but it must be told, basically just so I don't have to keep telling it over and over... now I can just point people to my blog. December 2003 was Ryan and I's first Christmas as man and wife, and our first Christmas in our newly purchased home in Texas. We were starting our Christmas decoration attic box from scratch with only a handful of ornaments from each of our childhoods. We wanted to decorate, so I headed out to my favorite store to get some trendy yet reasonably priced stuff.

I saw these really cool and interesting string lights that I thought would look great on our bushes out front and they were only $4.99 per string. Guessing how much we would need, I purchase 5 strings of them along with a cart full of other decorations and I headed to the checkout. Life was good.

Long story short (I know, too late), only three of the five sets of lights were functioning properly. I re-boxed the faulty lights, grabbed the receipt and headed back to the “Big T” to make a quick exchange that very same afternoon. I ended up having to wait in an incredibly long customer service line. At that point in my life, my patience was about as long as the leg of a flea. (You may be thinking, “That hasn’t changed, Wendy,” but I beg to differ. Currently my patience is about the length of two flea legs, thank you very much!) Having this not-so-lengthy flea-leg patience, I was not happy by the time I got to the desk to make my exchange request.

I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking that everyone knows that Target has an absolutely horrible refund, return and exchange policy so what’s the big deal lady… get over yourself, right? Ha! Just wait and you’ll see, exactly what the big deal is.

There was only one lady working at customer service and it was early December so the store was buzzing. I put my receipt down with my two boxes of lights and told her all I wanted to do was exchange these two boxes that didn't work for two that did. After examining my receipt carefully, she placed the two boxes on top of the receipt on the counter and told me to go ahead and get my two replacement boxes then come back and she would take care of everything. Off I went.

I returned to an even longer line, in which I had to wait AGAIN. My flea-leg-lengthed patience created an uncontrollable twitch in my eyebrow I was fairly sure no one else could see. Five eternities later, it was finally my turn again. I was ready to make my trade official and get home, but it was not to be.

The same exact lady who had carefully checked my receipt, the same exact lady who had taken the two broken light set boxes from me and the same exact lady who had sent me to get my replacement lights looked me in the eye and said, “I’m sorry, you can't exchange those without a receipt.”

I said, “Oh, I’ve already been up here. I gave you my receipt and the lights that didn’t work already. You told me to go get these and come back. I've been waiting in line.”

The same exact lady looked me in the eyes again and said, “No you didn’t. I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

Now, I recognize customer service representatives see a ton of people everyday so I wasn’t all that offended she didn’t remember me. This was going to be easy to work through since my receipt and the broken lights were right there on the counter. With confidence I said, “Oh yes, I was here just a moment ago. You took my receipt and the lights and put them down right over there….” I pointed to the spot and… guess what… they weren’t there anymore.

She glanced over to the empty spot on the counter then gave me the what-are-you-trying-to-pull-on-me look.

I said, “Wait, they were right there. You put them right there. I promise!”

She decided to humor me for a moment and looked around the area for my supposed lights and receipt but neither were to be found. She picked up her fancy-shmancy Target walky talky and asked someone to come. I assumed it was to get some help solving my problem. Imagine my surprise when the Target rent-a-cop, the stop-or-I’ll-say-stop-again man with a giant chip on his shoulder pulled me aside and accused me of running a scam. He quickly took me by the arm and forced me to the back room and…DETAINED me.

Yep… they sat me down like a criminal and pointed a bright light at my head as they began questioning me. Apparently, Target 'don’t take too kindly' to thieves.

Absolutely shocked and appalled, my sarcasm got the best of me. “Oh yes… this is a little thing I do in my free time. I travel around to local stores trying to cheat them out of $5.00 string lights… you got me! I have found it to be very lucrative! Are you completely INSANE???? Just forget the stupid lights; I don’t even want them anymore. In fact, why don’t you take them and shove them..." BLEEEEEEEEP!

But Target was taking this very seriously and had no intention of letting me walk out their door. They truly believed I was trying to “steal” from them and it seemed they were going to make an example of me. I actually got nervous for a moment picturing this turning into something serious. I tried to think of a way to prove my innocence and quickly it came to me… security footage. I suggested they take a look at the security footage ASAP!

All I can say is thank the Lord for security cams!!! The good news is they were able to find the footage of the customer service lady taking my lights and receipt, the bad new is I was locked in that room waiting for 3 hours while they searched for it. I got a very simple and insincere, “Sorry for the misunderstanding,” before I left but that was it. And, I made sure I left with my two new boxes of lights. They weren’t going to get out of providing me with working lights after all of this!

Want to hear the really funny part? When I got home (after telling Ryan all about my wonderful adventure) I discovered the two replacement boxes of lights, didn’t work either. I was SO MAD but was not willing to walk back in there to resolve it. I ended up throwing all five strings of lights away… so, in a sense, Target actually stole $25 from us (plus tax).

Here’s the funny explanation I came up with for the whole thing… I left the broken lights with customer service and after I left the desk, another store employee took the two boxes thinking they were a return item instead of defective. That employee put them back on the shelf, and since I mostly likely stopped on my way to the light aisle to look at "something shiny", the employee made it there before I did. As luck would have it, I ended up picking up the same two boxes of broken lights I had just returned. Of course, this is just my writer’s theory and not verified in any way… but it makes for a good story... and gives me a good chuckle inside.

As I said in the beginning, this incident should have been the last and probably would have been enough to make most shoppers blacklist an establishment… but I am a forgiving soul and a glutton for punishment so it took me six more years of abuse before I finally had enough. I won’t bore you with all the details of all of those other events but I have made a list of some of the ones that brought me to my final decision to never, ever shop at Target again. As you will see, most of my issues revolved around returns, but not all of them. And, by the way, these all happened at different stores… so I can’t even say it was just bad management in one store. All you Target shoppers, be ware. It could happen to you too!

• I left my film at the one-hour-photo place in Target (yes,I know they are not owned by Target – however they are on Target's property so it still counts). They LOST my film within 65 minutes. They called me 7 days later to tell me they found it. I went to pick it up and they expected me to pay the full one-hour price. At my balking, they were only allowed to give me a 10% discount. Thanks... and how the heck do you lose someone's film in an hour?
  
• I was given a set of books as a gift with a gift receipt showing they had been purchased at Target. The books were within a sealed plastic wrap that had not been opened. Target would not let me exchange them, even though I had a gift receipt and they were unopened. They stated I probably read them and just wanted money now that I had the information within the books. Yep, I can read through plastic wrap. It’s a superpower of mine I showcase often.
• My husband stopped in and got some Luvs diapers on his way home. Whoops… wrong size. The next day I went to the same store with the receipt and simply asked if I could exchange them for the correct size, and pay any difference if needed. The customer service rep would not let me because she said the diapers were not purchased at Target. She even told me Target didn't sell that brand there. I continued to show her the receipt and even went to get another pack off the shelf that was exactly the same. In then end, I was unable to exchange them.
• I bought a chandelier. One of the pieces was broken when I took it out of the package at home. With my receipt in hand, I took it to exchange it for an unbroken one. They would not allow the exchange stating I probably broke it myself so it was my problem. Yes, that’s another thing I do for fun. Buy stuff, break it then try to exchange it on the very same day – also very lucrative.
• I bought a sweater for $30. I realized I had put the wrong size in my cart. I tried to exchange it the same day, but by the time I got back there, they told me the price had been marked down to $5. Here's the catch, the size I had accidentally purchased was the only size of the sweater that had been marked down so they would not allow let me exchange it for the size I needed. Really?
  
• I bought a pretzel and drink from the concession for Brett. The pretzel they gave us tasted awful, as if it had been sitting there for a week or two. They had just made a new batch and I asked if we would could exchange it… they wouldn’t. If we wanted a better tasting pretzel, we were going to have to buy another one. NICE!
• On the same visit as the pretzel…I was shopping for a life jacket for Brett. There were a bunch in the aisle and I carefully picked one out and made sure it fit him. The section I chose from had a big sign that said $15. At the register, it rung up for $30. I questioned it, and they did a price check confirming the price was in fact $30. I didn’t buy it but went to the back of the store to see how I had been so wrong about it. I was sure the sign said that one was $15. It turned out the adult life jackets were $15, not the childrens (why does a jacket that is made of less material cost more? I know supply and demand – but still – that’s DUMB). The store had hung all childrens jackets on the posts marked $15 and the adult jackets which were really on sale were in a completely different spot. I believed this to be a sales stunt. This combined with the pretzel was the last straw for me and I have not shopped at Target since.
  

So there you have it; some of my reasons (there are more) for not shopping at Target anymore. You may be wondering, was it hard to stop? Nope… not when I admitted the truth to myself… their prices are higher than Walmart yet their products are truly no different (although Target does have fresher fruit), Target's lines are usually longer and their selection is not that great. They may have candles, but they don’t have the color I need. They may have tea, but not the size I desire. It seemed I always ended up having to go to another store anyway, which was very irritating.

One of the things I have learned from this is the importance of not letting myself be abused. I do believe God wants me to be forgiving, 7 times 70... but I also believe He wants me to protect myself from abuse. He wants me to love others, and sometimes the best love I can give is to choose to separate. When that is the proper road, He desires me to separate with forgiveness. It's taken me a long time to learn that forgiveness does not mean I have to allow the repeated poor behavior of others to impact my life. Forgiveness means I can move on in peace. Through the years I have become a lot more careful about many things... especially self-care. I have also become a much more careful shopper as most of these issues were due to my carelessness. In addition, I have also become a lot more impressed with good customer service! It takes a big person to be able to say, "I'm really sorry you were wronged."

The last thing I’ll say is this… Target... I forgive you. However, to my friends and family who sometimes buy me gift cards… I love you and appreciate you and your gifts very much… but please don’t get me anymore Target gift cards. I end up giving them away, which I enjoy doing but then end up feeling guilty as I have subjecting someone else to possible Target abuse. Happy shopping everyone!

Empty

January 1, 2011 was a fun day. I got to sleep in until almost 9 am which was great considering my son has an internal alarm clock that wakes him at 6:00 am on-the-spot no matter how late he stays up. I drank some coffee while listening to some great music then embarked on a nearly two hour Ben 10 Alien Creating battle with my son. It was really fun, even though I was the big loser. I made and delivered some food to a friend who was recovering from surgery and then ... FOOTBALL! None of the teams I really wanted to win did... Penn State, Wisconsin, Uconn, GA Tech all seemed to follow my lead as loser of the alien battle but that was okay. I enjoyed watching and being in the warm safety of my cozy home with my family. We had loaded nachos and pizza rolls for late lunch.... and dinner... and I didn't even feel sick since I didn't over indulge too much (a miracle in itself). I built a fire in our fireplace but it had rained recently so our wood was slightly damp. I wasn't sure if the wood would burn but we have gas to help it get going. There was a little trouble getting it started so one of my arms ended up with less hair than the other... whoops. I have always loved the glow of a nice fire although I could have done without the smell of burnt hair. A beautiful hue of blue closed my evening out... and it wasn't the kind of blue any of us ever enjoy seeing. It was the dreaded computer blue screen of death. We had been trying to resolve some internet issues and in the process my computer decided it too desired a fresh start for the New Year. In an instant... its entire past was erased. Gone... forever. Hubby got the operating system back on so I'm back in functioning order but don't have any of my old files, pictures and I lost my Photoshop application... bummer. The book I had been writing for 2 years... gone; all 400+ pages. Are you ready for the most shocking part of the blue screen fiasco? It didn't bother me AT ALL. My heart rate didn't quicken, I didn't panic, I felt no stress at all over the loss of everything that was gone... and I slept like a baby that night. For me that was absolutely bizarre behavior. In the back of my mind I believed God was telling me it truly was time to forget the past... all of it, and move on in peace.

Speaking of the past, I wrote an article entitled “365 Days” last year. It was a pitiful whine-fest about how I recognized how much of my life had changed on my birthday July 1, 2010. I was having a pity party, a whoa-was-me, ‘everybody hates me, I'm gonna go eat worms’ moment. I remember what I was feeling back then... life seemed unfair because many of the things I wanted seemed to have been taken from me. All I could see was my own personal loss and I felt like a victim. Life had changed, and I didn't like it at all. I wasn't on board.

Six months later the new year hit, and not one of the things I felt had been unjustly taken from me back in July had been restored. In fact, a big truckload of additional people, things and responsibilities had been removed from my life since then. Yet, January 1, 2011 was one of the most peaceful days I had in a long time. I remember sitting content and at peace, not whining at all like I did in July. Life had changed even more, but I had decided to jump on the bandwagon, and that made all the difference.

As glad as I am that 2010 is over... I wouldn't have changed it for the world. July was a turning point for me where I was faced with the choice; to stay where I was and feel like a victim -OR- humble myself and search for God's will. God was trying to light a fire with me but I had stayed out in the rain for a bit too long. It seemed all I could do was smolder and hiss. He didn't give up on me though because that is the kind of God He is. He loves me and will pursue me with great passion, intensity and fervor for the rest of my life. Nothing can change that... not even my stubbornness… or dampness. God decided to turn the gas on in my life’s fireplace to get the fire to start since my dampness was in the way. I'm not gonna lie... it hurt. It burned every single time I had to look in the mirror and accept my failings and my mistakes of the past 18 months. I cringed deeply as I realized I was not a victim and had actually played a huge role in creating my own circumstances. The pain only deepened as I had to submit to every change He asked me to make... He said, “Let go of this... let go of that. Look at who you really are and rely on Me to make the changes you need to make to be happy again. Be still my child. Be still. Let Me be your God... let Me be your ONLY God.”

It took time for me to get it, but finally I did and I listened. I decided to make a conscious effort to be still and let Him be my ONLY God. The entire months of November and December, I took a break from everything except my marriage and motherhood. In that time I focused on my relationship with God and tried to learn how to be still. Let me tell you, it was very difficult for me. I am the kind of person who is always going, always moving, always looking for what’s next and I can honestly say I had no idea how to make myself be still. I actually needed someone to tell me how to do it! I had to try several different things to find the best way for me to be still. That sounds funny… being still should just be, being still… right? I have learned that each person has a different stillness capacity and a different way to get there. It took some time, but I found mine. I feel obligated to say being still doesn't mean being lazy. There is a huge difference.

Until this little experiment in being still, I had never realized just how many things I have allowed to get in the way of the most important things in life. For goodness sake, I have even let my pursuit of God get in the way of my relationship with God. That is just crazy! I was letting my service for God take the place of my actual relationship with God. In addition it seemed I had carried a perception around with me for years that I had to “be” something to be useful. And if I wasn’t being “useful” then I was purposeless. What’s interesting is that being me, being a wife and being a mom didn’t count in my thinking as me being useful. Those jobs were just expectations and what really mattered was what I did outside of those titles. Being in Bible study, doing design work for churches, being a sponsor and speaker, being the ministry leader for Celebrate Recovery… now those were the things that were useful. Those were the things that won me favor and allowed me to feel good about myself. Sounds a lot like I had been trying to make it into God’s graces by my works… doesn’t it? In my two months of stillness I have seen just how deep my lack of self-esteem runs. I have seen how I have used all those things I do outside of being a wife and mother to fill up an empty spot in my soul. And I have seen that the only way self-esteem can be real and lasting is when I receive it from my basic, simple relationship with God. I’ve heard that many times, I have even said it but now, for the first time ever, I feel it for myself. Just being Wendy should be enough.

November and December were two of the most challenging months of my life. They went against everything that was natural for me. I… did… nothing… except be a wife, a mother and a daughter of God. I tested my usefulness. I let all my works go. I faced my lack of self-esteem head-on and guess what… I survived. Not only did I survive but I learned how wrong I have been about so many things. I learned that there is no more important part of life than simply being me. In being me, I get to be a wife, I get to be a mother and I am the daughter of God, no matter what. Anything else God asks me to be part of is icing on the cake. What I have learned is ironic, the only way to fill up the emptiness was to empty all the filling. Emptying my life showed me how to be full.

As I go forward from my stillness experiment now, my prayer is for God to keep me grounded in the things that matter. I have already been tested and almost fell into some old behaviors fairly quickly. I am so thankful that God has been keeping me on my toes, making me so uncomfortable when I am sliding backwards. I suppose I could just keep myself locked up at home without involving myself in anything else just to make sure the important stuff stays important but I don’t think that’s what God wants from me. I have to learn how to go out and live life without readopting my past philosophy that simply being me isn’t good enough. It is good enough. And just so you know, simply being you is good enough too.

The Pivotal “Good-Friend-Fruit” Moment

Friend is one of the words I think is used too much in society. What I mean is this... I believe its one of those words we use flippantly, like the words ‘love’ and ‘yes’. We have become comfortable using all of these words before we know if we really mean them or not. How many times have you said yes to something then later really wish you hadn’t? I always chuckle when I’m watching some good reality television and two girls that have only known each other for 2 hours say “I love you so much!” Really?

To me, ‘friend’ has always meant someone who cares about me, someone I can talk to, someone I trust and I care for back in the same way. But my understanding of the word ‘friend’ began being misunderstood very early in life. My teachers taught me to call every single one of my classmates my ‘friend’. This is still true today in my son’s class. This led me to think that all of my classmates were people who cared about me, people I could talk to, and people I should trust and give back to in the same way. This misunderstand led me to have zero boundaries in friendship. ZERO.

Later in life, after I learned that not everyone was really my ‘friend’ I found a new meaning of the word. It was this… anyone who I wanted to be my friend was given the title ‘friend’. I had a lot of ‘friends’ that never even spoke to me. Sad…but true.

After that, it was people who worked with me. They were my ‘friends’. I forgot the part about them being at the same place I was to get paid to do a job. We never saw each other outside of the office but we were best ‘friends’.

The word ‘friend’ was constantly being redefined throughout my life. At one point ‘friends’ became the people who drank at the same bar with me. Then came sobriety. ‘Friends’ were the people who got sober with me at meetings. After being in recovery for a while, ‘friend’ changed again… anyone who needed me to help them get sober OR anyone who made confessions to me.

There was a woman by the name of Stephanie Canfield in the Bible Study I joined in 2008. In 2009 we got to know each other a little bit, but not a ton. In 2010 in one of those strange coincident (also known as God-incident) type deals, I ended up agreeing to be the guest speaker at a women's retreat she was heading up. The plan was for me tell the story of my life and teach about boundaries and expectations. It’s funny as I look back; I was probably the least qualified person in the world to do that at the time I was asked. But God said yes, so I said yes. I began working with Stephanie regularly in planning this retreat.

I was in a very lonely place in my life then, June 2010, and had lost nearly all the ‘friends’ who were important to me. I looked at the past carnage of my ‘friend’ relationships and realized something… it was a revolving door. There was only one explanation; there was only one common denominator… Me. I was the problem. I looked at the word ‘friend’ and realized I had no idea what it really meant and I asked God to try and teach me. How does a person take their time and grow a healthy, mature friendship? It didn’t seem possible to me. My ‘friends’ had always been instant friends. In preparation to talk about boundaries and expectations at the retreat, I did all sorts of reading about healthy friendships. I read about the importance of waiting for a person to ‘prove’ their character before you invest in them too deeply. It sounded great in theory but it didn’t sound possible to me. It had never happened in my life and I didn't want anymore pain so I withdrew knowing I had to fix my issues first. My desire to have a real friend and to be a real friend took the back burner.

I had absolutely no interest in adding a new ‘friend’ to my life and my walls were up big time so each time Stephanie and I got together to discuss things, I would get straight to the point and then move on with my day. I didn’t do it on purpose but I invested nothing of myself in her even though she was super nice. As time went on, she continued being nice, even as I gave her nothing in return. She simply kept being herself and never let what I was like affect the outcome. One day I was so upset by something that I excused myself from the Bible study room. She came out to see if I was okay and it was then I had to admit to myself that I liked her, she was nice. It was then I also realized I had been completely un-invested in her and I was scared to death to try. In my fear, I shifted gears from unintentional withdrawal to… complete intentional shut-off. not long after, I became extremely depressed and almost backed out of the retreat all together.

But she called me on one of my really depressed days, just to ask me how I was. My heart led me to tell her in a very simple way that I was struggling. I didn’t give her any details, just told her life was hard for me right then. She didn’t pry, or beg for details. She didn't jump into drama, try to cheer me up or try fix things. She just asked if she could pray for me. And that was it. No drama and no judgment.

My depression passed and I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because of that phone call and the way she reacted to it, I began to let go just a little bit at a time as I would see her or talk to her. Before long, we were speaking frequently, and laughing together a lot. I had invested some of Wendy, but only some. I wasn’t planning to go any further.

There was a job posting at my church that I was really excited about. I sent my resume in and was all set with an interview. I was sure this was what God was calling me to do. It felt perfect! Stephanie called me to check on something about the retreat and I mentioned to her in passing that I had applied for the job. I told her how excited I was. She was quiet and didn’t say much about it and we got off the phone a little awkwardly. I thought it was odd but didn’t put much thought into it.

The next morning, my phone rang bright and early… 8:00a.m. It was Stephanie. She had something she had to tell me and from the sound of her voice, it was important and she was a little nervous. She proceeded to tell me that she had also applied for the same job and also had an interview. She hadn’t been sure at first what to say when I told her how excited I was about it so she didn’t say anything. But she struggled with it all night not able to sleep. She talked if over with her husband and prayed about it. She knew she should tell me so I could hear it from her and not someone else but was worried about how I might react since I had been so excited about it. She didn’t want me to think she was keeping anything from me or that she was trying to go up against me. I could hear the honesty and sincerity in her voice and it touched me in a way I hadn’t experienced in a long time. We had a good laugh together over the whole thing and both knew that whoever got the job, would be God’s pick. We told each other that no matter what, we wouldn’t let it get in the way of our… friendship. Yes, I actually used that word.

It was after I got off the phone and had time to process it God said, “That is how a person proves to you that you may invest yourself more deeply in them. That is the kind of person who should become your friend, Wendy.”

The Lord Jesus tells us, “Beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing… you will know them by their fruit.” I thought about some of my hurts in friendship from the past and realized I’ve invested myself in a lot of wolves, which was easy since I myself have been a wolf at times. And I had a habit of investing all of myself way too fast… certainly before any proof was given about their character. In many cases, I was fully aware of the rotten fruit but went forward anyway (FYI: that is not to say my fruit was any better). Stephanie’s call to me was certainly proof of her character. Her fruit was good; I could see that without doubt. After that, I was able to release more of myself. After that even more… and by the time the retreat came, there wasn’t much left to hold back. We had really become friends, slowly and naturally.

She ended up getting the job instead of me. I was sad about it because I had been so sure God wanted me to have it. I really thought it was “the fit” for me, and not getting it was hard on my ego. Even still, I can honestly say I was totally happy for her though. It was a perfect fit for her life and it was obvious to me, after giving her the congratulations call that God truly wanted it to be hers. God had a different plan for me. And it turned out, yes God had wanted me to apply for that job, but not so I would get it. No, I believe He wanted me to experience that pivotal and necessary moment of true character that allows a person to let go and know… the friend-fruit is good. He was teaching me. And, having a new job was the opposite of His plan for me. I’ll write about that on a later date.

Today, Stephanie and I are even better friends. We do not speak everyday and we don’t know every detail of each others lives but we surely are friends. She is the kind of friend I can call up and ask to challenge my thinking. She is the kind of friend who I know will be honest with me even if it might sting a little bit. She is the kind of friend who reminds me that God doesn’t expect me to be perfect when I am too hard on myself. I only hope I am the same kind of friend back to her! We have shared some struggles and have been able to laugh at ourselves together. We have shared some victories and have rejoiced together. We’ve cried together, been nervous together, poured out awful coffee together, laughed at fake proverbs together, had God’s blinding flash of the obvious hit us together and most importantly… prayed together. I am very thankful for her in my life. I understand what the word ‘friend’ means today because of her. I have been able to build some other amazing friendships in my life because of her example and gifts. My fruit has improved dramatically because of her influence in my life. Thank you God for sending Stephanie my way! Thank you Stephanie for being my friend.

Inspired By a Blurry Picture

The week after Christmas, I was sitting at my kitchen table with my son helping him write thank you notes to everyone for his Christmas presents this year and something happened to me that hadn't happened in awhile. I heard a voice in my head... it was uncomfortable yet tried to sound as though it were confident. It boldly said this to me...

“Wendy... you haven't had a drink in 4 years. You're not really an alcoholic. I mean, if you were an alcoholic, you wouldn't have been able to go 4 years without a drink. It’s okay for you to drink. You can just have one or two... you'd be fine. Go ahead. You deserve it.”

For a nanosecond a little flicker of hope rose in me... maybe I can drink just one or two! But another nanosecond later I laughed at the voice remembering the truth… there is no doubt that I am an alcoholic. A flash of my old life hit me. I drank a lot and had no control. I did horrible embarrassing things that any good and decent person would feel ashamed of. I drank and wasn't able to stop at one or two. I drank to feel better, I drank to hide pain, I drank to celebrate, I drank for no reason, I drank even when I didn't want to... I drank just to breathe. And in the end, my drinking led me to not want to breathe anymore. All of these past memories were blurry, black and white pictures, but their blurriness and blandness didn't hide their truth. I am an alcoholic. As for not drinking for the last 4 years, there is only one reason I have not had a drink and it's not because I am not an alcoholic. It is because God has blessed me with day by day sobriety. God is the only reason my blurry, monochrome past isn't a very vivid full-color HD real-life picture of my present.

I laughed at the lying voice in my head and put its fire out as if I were smashing the butt of the very last cigarette I ever smoked. Secrets give a great foothold to the devil so I immediately stood from my chair and let the battle that had just raged in my head come out of my mouth and become real... I went to my husband and told him the thoughts that had just passed through my head. I then went to the phone and called my sponsor to talk it through. I have many more one-day-at-a-time's tacked onto my sobriety since then. Thank you Jesus!

I’ve done a lot of reflection on myself in the last six months. It turns out I’ve made some mistakes even after getting sober. This was hard for me accept since I thought I was fairly close to perfect just because I quit drinking (ha ha). After working hard to get sober through self-honesty, I got a little lazy. I may not have been drinking, but several of my character defects moved into high gear. Apparently I was highly addicted to drama and didn’t realize it. I had the propensity not to shut my mouth when I should and my boundaries in friendship skills needed a lot of work. The perception I had that I was supposed to be more perfect in life after getting sober coupled with a giant ego made me unable to clearly see these additional defects of character as they were pouring out of me.

Fast forward a few years and the character defeats I listed above mixed with the character defect of some others made for an extremely toxic environment for me, and them. Finally God made me so uncomfortable in my own skin that I broke. Just like with my drinking, He forced me to come back to Him and take a good long look at myself. It was only then I was able to see those defects clearly. I winced and cringed as I faced them and asked the questions… “What do I do about it? How can I move closer to who God means for me to be?”

Another fast forward… with God’s help, I have examined my ways with all the honesty I could muster. With my therapist’s help I have added some tools to my tool box to assist me in changing the yucky stuff. With my sponsors help, I’ve stayed sober through it. With God’s perfect prompting, I have made my amends to the people I hurt along the way which was no easy task. There was (and still is) a lot of pain associated with these events and as we all know, it takes two to tango. Everyone has their own view and their own version of the story based on their perceptions. A little white lie can turn into a giant snowball in which the truth is so deeply hidden even the people involved can’t see it. But God tells me, all I can concern myself with is MY mistakes, MY wrongs and MY failings. Through all this, especially after making the amends, I can say I have found a certain amount of peace about that part of my life. I have also made some major changes by removing myself from involvement in activities out of obedience to God for the purpose of distancing myself from the destruction of the past. My spirit has changed yet again but for the good, even though there was a lot of suffering along the way.

It’s been hard to admit to myself that yes… I have enjoyed drama too much. Yes… my mouth has gotten out of control and yes… I haven’t really known how to build and maintain a healthy friendship. But, admitting these things has allowed me to be more aware of who I was, who I don’t want to be and most importantly, who I hope to be in the future. With God’s help, there has been a lot of progress… and more to come. I’m curious as to what my next set of defects will bring about. I’m hoping it won’t be as painful, but I guess sometimes that’s what it takes. I’m so glad I finally have peace over this part of my past. It is a welcomed relief.

So why then, did my spirit get all discombobulated about all of this same junk again at the mere mention of a person from that past who has made yet another accusation of me? I thought I had worked through all of this… wasn’t my spirit at peace? In an instant it didn’t matter that the accusation was untrue, it didn’t matter that I had already made my amends, it didn’t matter that I knew God had forgiven me for my part and my wrongs. No, these past memories were vivid full-color HD larger than life pictures of ME. Just a glimpse at them and I was right back there in the moment feeding on drama, saying too much and showing the world what a bad friend I was. In short… I was an awful person making terrible mistakes, ruining everything for myself (and if I want to dive even deeper into self pity, I could even say I was ruining everything for everyone else… wahhhh). Ugh, my life and spirit were sucked dry in an instant. The picture was clear…I believed I AM a horrible sinner… I believed I AM a horrible person. And that was my reality. Guilt, shame, and embarrassment surrounded me.

I did the only thing I knew to do, and that was pray. I spent 30 minutes in direct contact with God begging Him to lift this discomfort from me. I apologized to Him yet again for my sins just to clarify that I knew what they were and that I was indeed sorry. Towards the end of my prayer, I prayed for the individual whose mere mention had brought about these awful feelings. I prayed for that person, I asked God to give them everything I was asking for… everything I desired… give it to them. To my amazement, I meant it.

I went about my day not even realizing… I hadn’t thought about it again after that. My peace resumed that quickly, and I didn’t even notice. I should have said thank you but didn’t so I will say it now. Thank you God. You are a miracle worker!

I recalled the voice that entered my head as I wrote thanks you’s with my son, the one that told me I wasn’t an alcoholic… the one that tried to convince me I could drink. I wondered why that hadn’t brought me back to a place of shame, guilt and embarrassment like this other thing had. I mean by all means, it should have, but it didn’t. What was the difference?

The pictures of the past I saw when looking at alcoholic Wendy were blurry, black and white pictures of a person who ceased to exist. Their blurriness and blandness didn't hide the specifics of who this person used to be. Yes, I’m well aware of who I was then and I remember the things I did. What the blurriness did though was keep me from becoming absorbed in the past… it blocked the shame, guilt and embarrassment and allowed me to jump to the truth immediately. Yes, I am an alcoholic and I wasn’t a very nice person back then… but I’m not that same person anymore. God is with me and has forgiven me. I need not go back there… all I need to do is live in today and who I am now. Truth: I am a new creation now.

The pictures I saw when reminded of the other situation were different. They were vivid, full-color, pictures of ME… not former me… but me. And that was when I realized what the difference was…

TRUTH.

I was buying into a lie. The devil was selling me a colorful lie about myself and I was falling for it because I myself wasn’t standing firm on the truth of God’s forgiveness of my former sins. The devil wanted me to believe I was still back there in the midst of those defects, an unforgiven wretch. He wanted me to relive it and beat myself up… to be ashamed and embarrassed. He wanted me to keep asking God to forgive me over and over and over… even though I didn’t need to. AH HA… the difference was the TRUTH.

The more I embrace God’s truth, the more the color in those pictures will fade and the clarity will have no choice but to blur. Truth: I am forgiven. Truth: I am not who I used to be. Truth: God has changed me. Truth: I am a new creation. The truth is, that version of Wendy doesn’t exist anymore… she is hanging out with alcoholic Wendy somewhere in never-never land.

I’ve been sober for 4 years and yes I have worked through the majority of my drinking issues and have found peace. Since I will always be susceptible to relapse, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and sell me a lie. And just the same, even though I have worked through the majority of issues surrounding those defects which wrecked havoc on my life not so long ago and have found peace, I can and should expect the voice of the devil to try and drag me back into shame, guilt and embarrassment.

I think it’s kind of funny that the devil’s scheme to try and get me to drink totally backfired on him. The blurry picture from my drinking days inspired me to make sure all the pictures of things that have been handled appropriately by my Heavenly Father also got blurred. God is amazing.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.” Ephesians 6: 10-18

35 Minutes with Satan

I like to have a warm drink in the morning, it sort of sets my day right. It’s probably because I used to be an obsessive coffee drinker but ever since I began taking ADD medication, caffeine and I don’t get along at all. I’ve switched to decaf mostly, or warm apple cider or teas. Sunday mornings, I usually take my warm drink with me to Sunday school in a travel mug. This passed Sunday, it was warm decaf tea.

We go to a relatively large church, not a huge “mega-church” but a church that fills 4 services each weekend without problem. I’d say our sanctuary can easily hold about 350 people comfortably at one time. We attend the 11:00 service which is a “blended” service, meaning it is a good mix of traditional and contemporary styles blended together. It’s casual and I enjoy it, even though I am a very contemporary worship kinda girl.

By the time 11:00 worship began this passed Sunday, I had not finished my tea. It’s a casual environment so I took my travel mug into worship with me instead of taking it out to the car. I wasn’t interested in drinking the rest, I was just being lazy – plus it was cold outside. We sat in one of the back sections. That is where we are most comfortable although unlike a typical Lutheran we move around to difference spots all the time (that’s a joke). Variety is good.

When we sat down I purposely placed my half empty travel mug on the floor to my left away from where my son was sitting on my right. I could just see him knocking it over and it making a loud noise. I wanted to avoid that. I placed it by the leg of the pew in front of us, nestling it under far enough so it would be difficult to bump over.

After the Pastor opened up worship, he invited us to greet those around us…a pass the peace and meet your neighbor kind of thing. I went down the aisle to my right to say hellos to a few people while my husband, who was on my left, greeted some people in front of us who had turned around.

When I turned back to my spot I saw something horrible… and it happened in slow motion. My dear husband, who I love and adore, stepped forward slightly and kicked my travel mug. The mug flopped over sideways crashing to the floor… the crash of it falling over was not audible since people were greeting one another… but what I saw next mortified me.

The travel mug hit the floor so hard that the lid popped off. The half empty mug became completely empty in a matter of seconds. My heart skipped a beat as one of my worst nightmares became a reality.

It’s just a spill, no big deal, right? Just wipe it up and move on with life… hmmmm… not so easy. You can only wipe up the spill if it stays in one spot, and since our church has stadium style seating… translation: slanted floor… the spill fell victim to the laws of gravity and very quickly (although I saw it in slow motion) began to flow forward. Forward from the back of the church where we sat… all the way to the front. One by one, pew by pew, the people began to turn back and look to see where this mysterious liquid was coming from. One lady’s purse got dowsed… and all I could do it stand there mortified with my hand over my mouth. I felt the weight of eyes on me… I can’t remember being this embarrassed in forever. My husband ran to get some paper towels, as did I. We wiped up what we could then I went down the aisle on the side during the next hymn and offered paper towels to everyone who had endured the tea river.

Back at my seat I knew I had done all I could do. A mistake had been made and we did what we could to resolve it but my heart and mind were spinning in anxiety. The sound of my heart beating in my chest was so loud that I couldn’t hear a word that was being said in the service. Pastor had just done confession and absolution and we were about the sing the next song.

I was absorbed in my own emotions in those moments. My light-hearted mood had quickly turned to… heavy and unhappy. Thoughts swarmed at me… “Should I leave? Should I run? Should I never show my face again in the place? Is this what I’m going to be remembered for, the tea spiller? I imagined the pastor wagging his finger at me saying, “that’s why you shouldn’t have drinks in the sanctuary.” Oh and that lady’s purse, was it leather? Should I offer to replace it? Should I mop the floor after church? Will the Pastor slip and fall in front of everyone because of me?”

I looked up as first lesson was being read. It was then that I realized I had not heard a word that had been said in church so far. I became completely aware I was focusing on the wrong thing in that moment. I knew I could make a decision… to let the slow motion memory of the “great spill of 2011” go and focus on what God had to give me –OR- I could choose to stay in my current state of mind of worry and negativity and give myself over to Satan for a bit longer. I’d like to tell you I chose wisely, but I didn’t. I chose to give some more energy to Satan… and I sat there unable to listen, focus or think of anything other than “the Spill.” I continued torturing myself for another 15 minutes.

The sermon was now over and the choice was offered to me again… let it go so I can focus on God –OR- let Satan continue his party dance on my self-esteem. I am glad to say that I was able, with God’s help, to get myself back on track at that point. I asked God to remove the things blocking me from Him and allow me to move on productively. God is so good, He came through and the devil was squashed yet again. I was able to participate with all my heart in the last 15 minutes of the service, which I was glad for. I still have our final song in my head… and it was a good one.

After service, I went to the church kitchen and got some rags to clean up my mess. When I returned to the sanctuary I realized, there really wasn’t that much to clean up. The spill had looked far worse to me than it really was. In my mind I saw a giant river… but in reality it was a little trickle. And that is how Satan gets me. He makes me perceive reality much differently than it really is so he can help my mind over-react and make bad choices. Oh how I wish I could get rid of that piece of my human nature that likes to torture itself.

Today, I can choose to sit back and beat myself up for falling victim to the father of lies because I didn’t hear much of what was said at service; I can choose to allow myself to feel guilty for spending 35 minutes of my Sunday with Satan or I can choose to simply accept what happened and thank God for His grace. I may not have heard the Pastor’s message but God certainly taught me a lesson. There was a time in my life when I wouldn’t have allowed God to “snap” me away from Satan’s lies that quickly. Five years ago, I may have run away that very moment and never returned to the church again. Three years ago I may have just stayed away a few weeks. Two years ago, I may have just let the junk rule and ruin my thoughts for an entire week. Instead of feeling badly, I chose to see God’s victory over the devil in the fact that Satan only got 35 minutes from me this time. And because of those 35 minutes, I praise God all the more. In a sense, Satan’s temporary “hold” only brought me closer to understanding God’s never-ending love for me. Next time, and there will be a next time no doubt, I’m hoping to shorten it to 15 minutes.

I am getting closer and closer every day to understanding more of how God’s love works. I didn't get it before and now I am. I am getting closer to understanding that I’m never going to get it right, and that is okay only because of Jesus. The words actually make sense. I’m really starting to grasp that His grace is sufficient for all my sin. Grace ... is something I am embracing, finally. So what if Satan had me for 35 minutes this Sunday… in the end the joke is really on him. After all, having me in his hands was merely a perception on his part because reality is clear… I am God’s and God’s alone… for eternity. John 10:27-28 “My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.”

Thankful 2010

This Thanksgiving day2010, I am thankful that:

• My family is healthy and happy (happy most the time anyway)
• My husband is so patient, loving, understanding and forgiving. He is surely my better half.
• My husband loves his job and gets to work from home.
• My son is so creative and makes me smile... and never holds a grudge :)
• My son is doing well in Kindergarten, has a great teacher and is having fun learning.
• I am still sober.
• God led me to a new therapist that diagnosed me with ADD.
• An awesome scientist created Adderall.
• My gall bladder is GONE!
• My new dentist isn't a thief and I don't have 9 cavities as the liar dentist told me. Thank you Dr. Jason Zimmerman (new friend and pediatric dentist) for referring me to the most honest dentist I have ever met, Dr. Dan Hong, Precinct Line Dentistry, NRH
• God placed me with a wonderful Bible Study small group... Mary, Beverly, Cindy, Davonna, Earline, & Cathy - I will miss you while we are on break!
• I lost some old friends but learned some very hard but valuable lessons from it.
• I gained some amazing new friends... Suzi B., Cindy Midkiff, Stephanie C.
• I am getting to know some new ladies I really like... Cindy Maxwell, Karin S., Jamie W.
• I am fully committed to one church home, Peace Lutheran, Hurst!!!
• Dustin and Kellie are still my friends.
• My friend Suzi is the kind of friend I can tell anything to and know she is gonna love me anyway.
  
• God allowed me to help Celebrate Recovery at COH get started!
• My new pound puppy, Goldie, is a total joy and not a big pain in the butt!
• We found Man's Best Friend NRH to help us train our dog correctly.
• I still have a wonderful sponsor who is always there for me (hugs and kisses to you).
• The "Heart Smart" retreat was such a success! And through the planning, Stephanie showed me true friendship and how taking friendship slowly really pays off. Thank you Stephanie!!!
  
• That Heather came back from Cambodia and is healthy, happy and engaged to Richie.
• My husband supports my weekend retreats away from the world!
• With my hubby by my side, I caught my first fish in Florida... Surf Fishing!
• Brett and I had a super fun summer together... swimming, crafts, bass pro fun camp, my mom visited (very thankful for that), Lido, Dallas Aquarium, play doh, playing restaurant and zoo keeper... just to name a few.
• My hubby had the skills, patience and desire to fix several broken things on his own... sprinkler system, car window motor, washing machine... just to name a few.
• We had a wonderful camping trip to Devil's Den State Park.
• I have wonderful, caring In-Law's.
• Vanessa moved to Texas (and I am super proud of all her progress and growth)
• Marissa and I didn't drown at the Water Gardens! And that she came to visit and we had a great time together... I love you Marissa!!!
• We are going to be in Virginia with my parents at Christmas!!! I haven't seen my dad all year and I will get to see my sister and her family too!
• Facebook allows me to keep up with my sister and her family (I love you Kristi, Brian, Alyssa and Reiley).
• Facebook reconnected me with two wonderful people from high school... Jennie and Stephanie.
• Jennie calls me every time she chops an onion.
• That attending my high school reunion is not required by law.
• We have the best babysitter in the world for my son... Rachael is awesome!
• There is at least one flavor of gluten free and preservative free crackers I like.
• I have kicked my caffeine addiction completely and have learned to love water.
• I finally broke down and got a smartphone! I'm not obsessed with the computer anymore 'cause its at my fingertips.
• We were invited to spend Thanksgiving with some wonderful people (thank you SO much Jamie)... and I only have to make mashed potatoes and pie :)
• God shows up even when I don't.
• God loves me enough to want to show me that all I have to be is me, nothing else needed. I'm fighting it... but I'm trying.
• Jesus lived and died for me.

And to think with all the ups and downs this year I was worried it would be one of the worst ever... its turned out to be one of the best! An attitude of gratitude truly does pay off.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

You might be if...

This is NOT supposed to be funny. This is a real peek into my alcoholic life and it's sad. I thank the Lord everyday that I didn't DIE due to my alcoholism.

You might be an alcoholic if...
you consistently hide your drinking from someone you love, respect and trust.

You might be an alcoholic if...

you have a picture in your memory album of the server you used most on your very first cruise AND you still remember his name (Eduardo). Don't panic... this alone does not mean you are an alcoholic.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the very first wedding planning decision you made was to switch to white wine (even though you hated the taste of it) just so you wouldn't have to worry about spilling red wine on your white dress.


You might be an alcoholic if...
the only time you drink is when you are happy... or mad... or sad... or excited... or celebrating... or blah... or lonely... or trying to embrace or avoid feelings.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the words "adult beverage" appeared on the invitation to your son's first birthday party.
(p.s. I don't live there anymore so don't even try to find me at that address)


You might be an alcoholic if...

you have ever gotten into a car (alone) with two complete strangers then ended up in some place crazy...like in a 40-year-old drug dealer's basement.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you drink even when you don't want to.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the first panic attack you ever experienced was in a grocery store isle as the clerk explained that you had just moved to a DRY town (that was in 2003 - Bedford ain't DRY no more).


You might be an alcoholic if...
you drink alone. Drinking alone is NOT normal.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you NEED to have multiple boxes of bad tasting wine in your fridge to sleep well at night (and you are the only one drinking it).


You might be an alcoholic if...

you have ever driven to a gas station to buy booze just so you could pass off the expense to your spouse as a gas purchase.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you completely ignore the warning labels on your prescriptions that say "do not consume alcohol while taking this medication". Seriously people, do you realize that consumption of alcohol nixes the effects of most every prescription drug??? I took depression meds for YEARS while drinking heavily. I could have just flushed cash down the toilet and gotten the same result.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you have ever sneaked your empty bottles into the neighbor's recycle bin on the curb so your trash man wouldn't think you're a drunk.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you promise yourself you are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to drink again AND you mean it BUT you are unable to keep the promise no matter how hard you try.


You might be an alcoholic if...

filling your glass back up with wine before it is empty still only counts as one glass in your head.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you really truly believe the lie that you are a better driver when you are loaded.


You might be an alcoholic if...
you purchase your booze at several different locations just so the clerks won't realize how much you are buying.


You might be an alcoholic if...

the people you consider your "closest" friends are all regulars at the same bar and you don't know any of their last names.


You might be an alcoholic if...
the only Sunday you look forward to attending church is on communion Sunday (those Lutherans are big on Port you know).


You might be an alcoholic if...

you instinctively lie to your Dr. when he or she asks you how much you drink.


You might be an alcoholic if...

you randomly tell people you are a recovering alcoholic BUT you don't really think you are an alcoholic at all SO you still drinking regularly.
The good news here is that you are closer than you have ever been to actually becoming a recovering alcoholic... good luck!


And last but definitely not least...


You might be an alcoholic if...

you've ever wondered if you are an alcoholic. People without an alcohol issue never ask themselves that... because it is not an issue.
(You don't wonder if you are pregnant if you've never had sex. You don't wonder if you have irritable bowel syndrome if you never have problems with digestion. You don't wonder if you are a diabetic if you don't have blood-sugar issues. You don't wonder if you are a homosexual if you've never been attracted to the same sex. I rest my case.)

All of these "you might be if" statements were true in my life and as I said... this is NOT supposed to be funny. Only you can decide if you are or aren't an alcoholic. If you think you might be... get help. I quit many times on my own... only to start again. The time I was really able to quit... I didn't do it, God did it for me with the help of others who knew what to tell me to do.

You Only Know What You Know

You only know what you know… know what I mean? When you tell people you were raised in a normal family… remember normal is all relative to what you know. If you grew up in a house where there were no rules or consequences… then that is normal. If your parents spanked you when you misbehaved… that was normal. If you were raised by wolves, well that would be normal too.

You only know what you know.

At the age of 5, my son Brett has now been a ring bearer in two weddings. The first time was for his Aunt Marissa and Uncle Richard’s nuptials. Even though his title was “ring bearer,” little Brett’s job wasn’t really about the rings… it was more about the dog. He walked Marissa and Richard’s dog down the isle and to say it was the cutest thing ever would be an understatement. Brett’s second stint as ring bearer was just last weekend at my cousin Ceci’s wedding. This time, it was all about the rings. He was given a little pillow with two rings attached to it and his job was to safely take the rings to their destination. He was even given a t-shirt that said “Ring Security.” Very cute. Brett was excited, I mean he was having a blast as the hours ticked down to the actual wedding but for some unknown reason, Brett’s attitude changed dramatically right before it was time for him to do his job. I ended up having to walk with him down the isle… and once he was up front I sat down. I was watching him, and the only thing I can say was he was not happy. As a mom, I was embarrassed by his scowl and attitude at such a joyous occasion. I figured it was better for him to just come and sit with me than to stand there with that look on his face… mad, or whatever it was. I was mortified. I motioned him to come sit with me and he did. He sat on my lap and began to cry… and they were real tears from a boy who was truly upset. I took him to a room in the back of the church as the ceremony continued without us. Once there, he bashfully showed me the ring bearer pillow… only one ring remained attached. Through his tears he barely was able to confess, “I lost one of the rings mommy. I’m sorry.” The embarrassment of my child’s behavior melted away and compassion along with empathy filled my heart for this boy whose only desire was to do a good job. He was truly sorry and all I could do was hug him and tell him it was going to be okay. What little Brett didn’t know was this… the rings on his little pillow weren’t real, they were just for show. I’m pretty sure people stopped putting real rings on ring bearer pillows a long time ago for this very reason. I told him the real rings were in the best man’s pocket. My explanation didn’t really help though, because Brett only knew what he knew.

I didn’t know I needed to explain the fake rings to him. I didn’t know I needed to tell him his walk down the isle was really just for show. I didn’t know I needed to protect him from the pressure he was putting on himself. Had I known, I would have better prepared him but… I only knew what I knew at the time.

Yep, you only know what you know.

Have you ever seen something you wish you could un-see??? Back in 1991, I was driving down a highway in Georgia, I saw a medium sized black lab with a red bandana around his neck come running full speed toward the highway. I saw him and knew what was about to happen and I was helpless to stop it. He looked so happy and free as his paws galloped in front of the white beat-up Ford truck driving in front of me. I have a vivid memory or what happened next. I can’t even tell you how many tears I cried trying to get that visual out of my head. The thing that made it so hard was the bandana… the red bandana that had been so carefully and thoughtfully placed on the dog that day. His owners no doubt loved him. Nope, I can’t un-see that. And just recently, I witnessed a 6 month old baby falling out of the high cabin of a truck. He toppled out head first, landing on the cement. It was a pure accident which happened in my view in slow motion as his mother turned away from him for only a split second in order to prepare his stroller for the walk they were about to go on. I can’t un-see that either.

How about this… have you ever found something out you wish you didn’t know? Maybe a best friend confessed to you that they were having an affair with another best friend’s husband. Try as you might, you can’t un-know that. Maybe you discovered that the person you have been charged with sponsoring in a recovery program has fallen off the wagon… and has been lying to you about it for weeks or months. You know it’s not your fault, but at the same time knowing it changes everything about your relationship with them and it hurts. Your fiancé comes home from work one day and says, “We need to talk… I can’t marry you because I am already married, and I am not getting a divorce.” As much as you want to un-know that… you simply can’t. Things will never be the same. In these situations… knowing certain things can really present a problem. Yes, you can’t un-know what you know… and in these cases ignorance certainly seems like bliss.

But do you know what I think is more of a problem than knowing things you don’t want to know… is not allowing yourself to learn the things you need to know. After all, you only know what you know… and that can be a great excuse not to change.

I see this all the time in peoples’ lives as I work in ministry... I also see it in my own life. Ignorance can seem like such bliss for a time but in the end, ignorance leads to hell (figuratively and quite possibly literally too).

A few days after my little ring bearer lost a ring, he asked me a very interesting question. “Mommy, if the rings on the pillow weren’t real… why did they have me do it?” What a profound question from the mouth of a five year old.

In life, it seems we do a lot of things for one reason… because that is the way we have always done them. We only know what we know so we stick with it. Change is hard. The thought of change makes us afraid we might see something we can’t un-see, like the dog whose life ended abruptly in front of me in such a cruel way. Or the baby whose blood I wore on my shirt for an afternoon after I helped his mother. We might be forced to look at how our drinking is affecting the people we love, how our attitude makes people not want to be our friends, how our lack of humility makes us appear judgmental, how our foul mouths show what’s really in our hearts, how our soft parenting is creating insecurity within our children, how our lack of trust is driving our spouse away, how our gossipy mouths makes us untrustworthy, how our lack of follow-through makes us seem undependable, how our need for attention displays our insecurity, how our reluctance to pray is an indication of our lack of faith, how ,when we look in the mirror, deep down inside we know that most of our problems… are our own fault. When we finally see that… we can’t un-see it.

So we put the fake rings on a pillow, and smile as we walk down the isle so the show can continue. After all, putting the real rings on the pillow is a risk most people aren’t willing to take.

You only know what you know.

I’ve learned through the years, that my own private hell isn’t very fun… even if it is all I know, its still not fun. I decided to open my eyes…and yes, I saw the death of a dog and many other unsavory things but with it has come something beautiful… the realization that I care about life, even the life of dogs. I care about people enough to wear a stranger’s blood on my shirt. I care about myself enough to see how my drinking affected the people I love, how my attitude in the past has made people not want to be my friend, how my lack of humility has made me appear judgmental, how my foul mouth has shown others what’s really in my heart, how my soft parenting has creating insecurity within my child, how my lack of trust has driven my spouse away at times, how my gossipy mouth makes me untrustworthy, how my lack of follow-through makes me seem undependable, how my need for attention displays my deep insecurity, how my reluctance to pray is an indication of my doubts, and how, when I look in the mirror, deep down inside I know that most of my problems… are my own fault. And I care enough about my relationship with God to want to face those things one at a time so that I might be closer to Him who loves me more than I can fathom.

You only know what you know... as for me, I hope I never stop wanting to know more.

Argue

In my humble opinion, anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of politics create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of politics in the United States. Part of being here is being free to think, believe and speak what we feel and think. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a particular politicians platform is so silly. I highly doubt any politician would be passionate enough about YOU to lose his or her good friend over you. I know not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about certain things, but I don't let that effect how I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it. They will, let you be you.

The same thing could be said about Christianity... anyone who allows the opinions of others in the matter of Christianity create discord and hatred is missing the entire point of Christianity. The point of being a Christian is to be molded and formed into a "Christ-like" shape. I believe choosing to be bull-headed and unbending to the point of losing a good friend just to stand firm on a Christian point of view is so silly. I know for a FACT that Jesus died for ALL of us... believers and unbelievers, sinners and bigger sinners, republicans and even democrats (sorry, I couldn't resist). I believe whole heartedly that God IS more passionate about YOU than you can ever be about Him... whether you believe it or not. I know that not everyone I care about feels the same way I do about Jesus, but I don't let that effect the way I feel about them. A good friend will let you be who you are, say what you think and not necessarily have to argue with you about it... but a good friend will also pray for you while letting you be who you are. A good friend will also share the Good News with you when the time is right.

In the end, the one thing I believe about arguing is this... arguing is a supreme act of faithlessness... for if you truly believed with all your heart you would never be so insecure about your belief that you would HAVE to sway someone to YOUR side. You would just simply believe and have faith in that.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a silent Christian... I am not a Sunday Christian and I am not a Christian who does nothing and simply says I'm a Christian. I am a proud Christian (sometimes too proud)... but I know that it isn't me that created my faith. God put His hand on me and gave me the gift of this faith. I humbly thank Him for that. I humbly thank Him for the journey.

If you want to argue about politics, whether the democrats or the republicans are better or smarter, if an elephant can kick an asses ass, or if Obama is great or the devil incarnate... go ahead ... but not with me. The truth is... we are ALL flawed. I'd much rather talk about and try to be something that is more eternally important... love. It's a hard job. It's a tough thing to do... and I fail everyday. But I try then I dust myself off every morning, clothe myself in the cleansing waters of my baptism, allow God to turn my crimson red sin into freshly fallen snow and with all the good intentions in the world, I step out and I try again. I stand firm on my Christianity, I have faith in my loving, incredible God and I will not argue about Him. And if I won't argue about something as important as God... I surely will not argue about something as pointless as politics.