The Window Seat

Someone recently asked me to think about some hard questions… why would a loving God allow tragedy to occur? If God is so powerful, why doesn’t He keep bad things from happening to good people? The purpose of combing over these questions was to prepare myself for the type of doubt that I will inevitably be faced with as I try to share Jesus with others. These questions are hard… even for people with tremendous faith in God. One of my spiritual mentors says, “If you knew what God knows… you wouldn’t doubt what is happening right now for even a nanosecond.” In theory, it’s easy to say I know all things happen for a reason and God’s plan is to bring them together for His glory in the end. Since we humans can’t see His plan, we can’t fathom His reasoning. And then there is the topic of free will, but that would be a whole other article. I’m not going to kid myself for a second though; I am fully aware that if a tragedy were my very own, for example - the loss of my husband or child… I could only hope that my faith would be strong enough to say, “It’s God’s plan for the best” and mean it. The truth is… I don’t know how I would feel. I can’t imagine it, and I don’t want to think about it. I said some prayers for God to help me figure out how to answer those types of questions.

A few days later, I had a vision that I shared with a group of ladies I trust. I knew I trusted them when I told them because let’s face it – most people would probably laugh at me as soon as I uttered the phrase, “I had a vision,” much less keep from busting as I told the story that followed, but they were awesome about it. True friends.

There was an airplane, packed full of at least 200 passengers. But it wasn’t a run-of-the-mill flight… something had gone terribly wrong and the plane was on a very quick downward descent. And I’m not talking about the kind of descent that would result in a gentle water landing… oh no… this was a hold-onto-your-seat-cushion-and-kiss-your-butt-goodbye kind of descent. The people on board were panicked, screaming and crying… they knew what was to come. In my vision, I saw a person rise from their seat and begin to speak to everyone on the plane. This person spoke with great eloquence… telling all within earshot of the gift of Jesus and how it didn’t matter what they had done in the past, or how long they had believed… that God’ kingdom was for everyone and all they had to do is believe. The person continued by asking the people if they would consider opening their hearts and souls to the Spirit. Ask Him to help them believe and accept God’s grace and love. The end of life as they knew it was not as important as the beginning of the life they could have in eternity with God.

I began to cry… even though it was only a vision. The words that this person spoke were so beautiful and true. And somehow an idea came to me… of God’s reasoning in this particular situation. Of the 200 passengers on board, only a few of them were true believers in Christ. Another handful were in various places on their spiritual walk… mostly just testing the water but not really committed to it. The rest… the majority of them were people who had no interest in God. They knew of Him, but were sure God didn’t have a place in their life at all. God, being all knowing as He is, already knew the ending of each of these people’s lives. He knew that it would take a major event to open their minds up to the possibility of Him. He knew that this was the situation they HAD to be in to save their souls. So He grasped the opportunity. He put the right words in the right person’s mouth and the result of which was… these people… the ones who God knew had no hope at eternal life with Him heard the words, opened their hearts, the Spirit came to them and… BAM! They were granted eternal life right before their death.

My tears increased as I sat in awe of this thought. I imagined the heartache and pain of those left behind in the wake of the disaster; husbands without wives, mothers without daughters, friends without their cherished confidants. It’s natural for those people to only see the tragedy in the death toll, and feel the gut wrenching emptiness that death presents to us on a silver platter. But what about the mercy and beauty in God’s perfect timing? What about the fact that our God is so loving that He doesn’t care how long we’ve believed… as long as we do?

So, the vision was over, or so I thought. I cleared my crying eyes and took a deep breath. Then I realized… the person who spoke on the plane of God’s open arms was… me. I rejoiced at the thought that God could use me in that way. Then some doubt wandered in, I asked myself if I would have the courage to stand up and say those things. I wondered if the right words would really come to me? After some thought I knew the truth and I told myself, “Yes! I would do that for God, I would stand up no matter how afraid I was and be that person!!!!” And then I realized… I had a flight in 3 days. On top of that, my child was flying with me. If this vision was for real… it would not only mean sacrificing myself… but my child.

Now, I don’t know how you feel about visions… I’m sort of on the fence myself. I’ve had some come true and some not. This one, all I can say is I was afraid of it. The thought occurred to me to cancel my trip, but I quickly realized that was the devil… messing with me. More than likely, this whole vision was the result of my prayer about how to answer the hard questions. And, it also was an opportunity to put my faith in action. I decided, I was getting on that plane no matter what. In fact, I was getting on every plane I ever needed to get on for the rest of my life. If God has this plan for me, I wasn’t going to run from it. I was reminded of the story of Jonah. God would put me right where He wanted me no matter what – it was up to me how much I kicked and screamed about it. In making the decision to trust God, I realized I had shut down the devil’s plan to make me a doubting coward. I laughed at him… he he he… sucker! Then I proceeded to tell my few trusted friends about it, just in case it happened… they would know.

I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous as I walked through the next two days. I had this strange yet calm feeling that I might not be around any longer. I rejoiced at the thought of being in heaven… then felt sad for my husband and how that would effect his life… and the thought of my son… ah, a dagger to my heart. But I looked to God and said… send me, I trust you.

The morning of my flight I got up and took my shower. Got dressed then went to brush my teeth. As I looked in the mirror, I said a prayer in my head. “God, if this should be my last day on this earth, let me be the best example for you I can be in everything I do…”

BAM!!!!

Shouldn’t that be my state of mind ALL THE TIME??? Shouldn’t that be my desire regardless of a vision or fear of impending death?? I mean, vision or not - this could be my last day... tomorrow could be my last day... who knows when it's gonna happen!!!! It was at that moment I felt like I understood what God was trying to teach me. Live everyday as if it’s your last… live every moment as though you can’t take it back… don’t let opportunities to do the right thing, share the truth or just be nice slip away!!! WOW!!!! Sure I’ve heard all that before, but this was something different… this was me going through the emotion of it all.

Okay, so I was still a little bit nervous about my flight… less nervous when I realized I was sitting in the window seat while the person in my vision was sitting in an aisle seat (phew). But there was an awful lot of turbulence on that flight, more than I had ever endured before. In the end, I sighed a giant sigh of relief once I made it to Virginia. And I was proud that I had allowed my faith to grow instead of chickening out… but mostly I felt enlightened by God and so encouraged by the way He not only answered my question but also showed me His heart. We truly never know His reasoning and we will never know what happened in those moments right before the tragedy. All we can do is believe that The Creator of the universe loves us and knows what He is doing. I have no doubt He wants every single one of us by His side in the end. A few days later, I realized I still had the fight home to contend with… but it was all good.

Sleeping Tiger

I have a very active dream life, in fact my first book was based on a dream I had. Most times I don't think my dreams mean very much, but occasionally I have one where I know God is speaking to me. It's obvious to me in several ways. First, the memory of the dream is uncanny and second the symbols within the dream are unmistakable, as if the Spirit is whispering in my ear... “here's what this meant... you better listen!” I had one of those dreams the other night and while I think I know what it means in my own life, I feel like I am supposed to share it. I believe it is supposed to mean something to one of you as well. I don't know who you are or what it means to you but I believe whoever you are, God will point you to this page and you will get the message. So, here it is... the dream...

My husband and I were looking to buy a new house, not because we needed a house, but because we wanted something bigger and better at a good deal. There was this one house we thought would be perfect so we asked our real estate agent to take us to see it. Before arriving, our agent warned us not to get too interested in the house because there were some legal issues surrounding the “owners” of the house; yes the house was for sale but there was some question as to who actually owned the house. Until that got figured out, nothing could happen. Our agent confided in us that he didn't believe the house would be able to be sold. Right before we went inside, we were given one more piece of information: we were told to ignore the tigers that lived there. HUH? Tigers??? Yes, there were two REAL full-size tigers that roamed freely in the house. Our agent assured us if we ignored them, they wouldn't bother us so it was safe to go in. Okay.... in we went.

To summarize: we want a bigger, better house but don't need it, the house we are looking at doesn't appear to even be available and we enter the house even though we have full knowledge there are two tigers inside. Hmmmm... we aren't sounding too smart, are we?

So we go in. Immediately I see one of the tigers in the living room. It was curled up sleeping soundly on the floor. It looked cute... big, but cute. We looked around, loved what we saw (aside from the tiger) and moved on to see the rest of the house. My husband and I finished looking around without ever seeing the other tiger. We left without incident. Despite the tigers, we really liked the house. We decide we want it knowing that it probably isn't available. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we really want it. How human of us!

Next thing I knew we are back in the car with the agent to go see the house again. This time we have brought some friends with us to see what they think of it. We were so excited, telling our friends all about this perfect house we just have to have. We waited until we got to the front door to tell them about the tigers, and we told them as though it were no big deal. Our friends looked at us like we were completely insane and refused to enter the “den of pending death.” Finally, someone with some intelligence! It took some convincing, but we finally talked them into going in with us. Again, there was a tiger sleeping in the living room. Our friends were totally freaked out but we tip toed around the big animal and moved on to see the rest of the house, still no sign of the other tiger.

We’re almost ready to leave but one of my friends was missing so we got a little worried. We found her in the living room staring at the sleeping tiger. Her fear of the animal had been replaced by intrigue. We warned her of the danger as she got closer and closer to the tiger but she didn't listen. Her fear didn't seem to exist anymore... her fear had become false confidence that nothing could happen to her. She reached her hand out slowly to touch the sleeping animal as we watched in petrified horror. In slow motion I saw the tips of her fingers stroke the fur for this first time. As if shocked herself, she smiled as she continued to stroke the tiger’s soft hair. She knelt and continued. One by one, each of us began to relax as her affection of the animal seemed to be accepted without problem. Before long she was scratching the large cat behind the ear, as the resting animal purred loudly appearing to enjoy the attention.

It was time to leave, so we began to head out the door. My friend was happy to have had a chance to be so close to such an amazing creature. It was a once in a lifetime experience she was pleased to have had. She was smiling and proud she conquered her fear. She felt invincible as she rose to her feet and took a final look at the motionless, giant, sleeping cat.

With a sigh of relief that the petting was over, I waited for my friend to walk out the front door. She turned her back away from the tiger with a giant smile on her face and began to leave. Just when all seemed perfect, the tiger awoke to see my friend walking away. In the blink of an eye the tiger stood, snapping out his massive paw, and grabbed my friend. His claws tore into the flesh of her back. Her face changed from joy to shock and then to torturous pain. I stood witnessing the animal dragging her back into his full grip. I watched helplessly knowing he would devour her without guilt, for that was his nature.

My sleeping tiger dream faded to black and was thankfully over.

This dream means many things to me personally... I have played all of these roles within this dream many times in my lifetime: the consumer driven by want rather than need that flippantly draws others close to danger, the homeowner who is trying to sell something they do not own, the middleman agent who speaks the truth yet does nothing for the sake of prevention, the once cautious yet curious friend who is drawn to danger and ultimately consumed as a result, and the ultimate predators - the tigers (the one in view AND the one in hiding). I'm thankful the Spirit cares for me enough to take the time to make me aware of the role I am playing right now. I don't like it, but it is the truth. I know the only way I can do better is to see the truth. In short, we can pretend it is only a dream but I believe awareness of the role we play in every situation is the only way to keep from being devoured by the tiger. And just so you know, I also believe the ultimate way to be devoured by the tiger is to make the choice to be the tiger.

"Stay to the Right"

A few months ago, my husband, Ryan, and I took our son, Brett, to River Legacy Park to go for a nice long walk. If you’ve never been there, the park is huge! It’s like being out in the middle of nature yet you know you’re in the midst of Ft. Worth. There is a big river (that is rarely full of water, but pretty yet the same) and the walkways are paved so bikes and rollerbladers can cruise the 7 or 8 mile path with ease. There is a thick red (or blue depending on where you are) line smack dab in the middle of the concrete path to remind you to stay on the proper side of the path in hopes the patrons won’t run over each other.

We brought Brett’s tricycle with us because he is really getting into that lately. It was his first time at the park with his wheels so we had to teach him about the line and what it meant. We told him to stay to the right (after explaining what “right” meant of course) of the line and to watch out for other bikers, runners and people. We said it was important to be aware. I’m not sure how much he understood but, off we went.

I loved watching him peddle his little heart out from behind! I could just imagine the great big toothy grin on his face and the wind passing through his hair as he powered his way through the countryside. That first time, he was just in heaven out there! He had endless road in front of him with unknown excitement around each corner. It was one of those super special parent moments for both Ryan and I as we walked behind him watching him enjoy the freedom of having his own ride and road for the first time ever.

We hadn’t gone far before little Brett started to slowly glide over the line into the left lane. My husband reminded him quickly, “Stay to the right, buddy! Stay to the right.” With obedience our little boy got back over to the correct side of the lane and continued on his merry way, peddling steadily not missing a beat.

Soon, Brett was drifting to the left again. “Stay to the right buddy. Stay to the right,” said Ryan in just the correct tone to show gentle yet authoritative direction. Brett listened and corrected his path quickly. I’d like to tell you that my son was so smart and receptive that he got it right then and never had to be reminded again but… that was not the case at all. The pattern continued for the rest of our 4 mile walk. Brett slowly gliding into the wrong lane and daddy or I kindly reminding him to “stay to the right.”

Towards the end of the journey, after having reminded Brett to, “get over to the right,” at least 50 times it dawned on me that God does the same thing in my life every day. He is up there looked down at me constantly sending His Spirit to gently but firmly remind me to “Stay to the right, Wendy. Stay to the right.” It’s the love of the Father, just like Ryan with Brett. Patient, loving, protective, watchful, diligent, tenacious, stern yet kind. Yep, that’s God. How blessed am I to have such a wonderful God. I had to smile. Even with His abounding patience, I still picture God shaking His head at me at times wondering why He must keep saying the same things to me over and over and over.

A little later, I wondered if Brett had been testing our rules and authority on purpose or if he had just been so excited about his freedom that he forgot about the guidelines. There was really no way for me to know for sure. I could ask him but what were the chances he would admit, “I’m just ignoring the rules mom!” In a great flash I realized God doesn’t have to wonder for a second. He knows what’s in our heart and therefore doesn’t have to ask if we are being disobedient out of ignorance, defiance or distraction. He just knows. HE KNOWS and we can’t fake him out or lie about it.

I’m really good at lying to myself, I always have been. Through sobriety I have learned to be more honest for it is only complete self-honesty that can lead to the heart of any problem. Imagine that… honesty leads to the truth. It’s crazy to me that even though I know all of this, I still try to hide from my shortcomings, thinking I can secretly keep them from God. I have to laugh out loud for it is such a waste of time! Why not just lay them out right then and there instead of playing the game. The bottom line is… God knows all… and He loves me anyway so He is willing to continue saying, “Stay to the right, Wendy. Stay to the right.”