The Love I Give Away

Love can be confusing. I know my original conception of love wasn’t very accurate. I confused lust with love very often. I also confused acceptance or a need for acceptance with love as well. In addition I thought anger meant hate and because of that I was afraid to ever have anyone mad at me. On the other side of that coin, I never felt the freedom to be angry at the people I was supposed to love. It was confusing.

I’ve seen the phrase, “God is love” on tons of bumper stickers. One of my favorite Christian songs says of God, “You’re the love You give to me, You’re the love I give away.” I love the thought that all real love comes from God. And if it’s real love and it’s from God, then it’s pure and selfless. But how much of the love I pass around this world is really truly selfless?

More than a year ago I met a young lady who captured my heart. It was a chance kind of meeting… she is a missionary and I was writing a story on mission work. I asked her if I could interview her and she fit me into her schedule even though she was preparing to leave for a 2 year mission abroad. That day we met, I was feeling… emotional. I was having some regret and heartache over some past decisions. When we met, I put my “I’m okay” mask on in an effort to do the interview and go on my way. But, she knew. My interview was quick and like a flash the tables turned and she asked me one very simple question. She sat listening to my answer with a servant’s heart and when I was done she spoke a prayer to me as I cried. That was the beginning of a friendship I hold very near and dear to my heart today.

She was home for a visit this month, and I got the joy of spending some good quality time with her. Today I had to say goodbye to her again as she headed off to finish her second year on her current mission, and it was difficult and joyous at the same time.

As I drove to the airport to say goodbye and send her off with a hug, I realized that I finally understood fully what the lyrics mean… “You’re the love You give to me, You’re the love I give away.” To say I love her is an understatement. I can’t even express the love I feel for her. And it’s not the kind of love that has any sort of reason behind it or selfishness. It “just is.” It’s obvious to me that God has intentionally placed her in my heart so I can assist Him in doting His true and pure love upon this woman He absolutely adores. I am willing, able and excited to help her in anyway I can… she calls me generous which makes me uncomfortable because I know the generosity she sees and feels from me is really the generosity of God… it isn’t me at all! I feel like a different person when I am around her, doing for her or communicating with her… like the sinful me has been replaced by the total graciousness of God in full. It’s strange… but it feels awesome! It’s a window into God’s own heart that produces a humbling high that words can’t possibly convey. I feel so blessed to be chosen by God to love her in this way. I cherish that and her… Yes God, You are the love You give to me and You are the love I give away.

Thou Shalt Not Comb

My husband, Ryan, and I have really been developing spiritually in the last few years. One of the things in life that seems to go directly against that growth is television. But, I suppose if we keep it in perspective, stand firm on the things we believe then we’ll be alright. I don’t think God wants us to live in a Christ shaped bubble, blocking out the relevance (or irrelevance) of the world. In fact, as one of God’s “fishers of men” I think it is important to know what’s happening in today’s world. I’ve learned in time that nearly anything can be related to the walk of Jesus. With that in mind, we sat down Monday night to watch some television and see what the new fall season had to offer.

One of our favorite shows had two completely separate story lines going. The first one we thought was extremely witty, entertaining and true. It was about how we as people should be confident enough with who we are that we don’t need to change what we say and do just to make others happy. I whole heartedly agree with this… but I wish it were as easy as it sounds. In my old, drunken life I truly had no idea who I was. I changed my personality completely based on who I was around and what situation was before me. I was a personality chameleon… and I told a lot of big lies. It was hard to keep up with, but it was worth it in my warped little mind because I thought that was why people liked me. As it turns out, I don’t think too many people actually did like me, because… I didn’t stand for anything, no one could figure me out and, oh yeah… I was a liar. I am still a died-in-the-wool people pleaser, and even though I’m sober I struggle with this every day. I don’t ever want to feel like anyone is mad at me. Sometimes my fear of disappointing others causes me to be dishonest about simple things. Think about it, if someone asked Jesus to go to a two hour network marketing presentation He had no interest in, I don’t imagine He’d be so insecure that He would need to come up with 3 or 4 excuses just to feel okay about saying no. I can hear it… “Well, my donkey is lame so I don’t have a ride. And one of the straps on my sandal broke so I really should get that fixed before I walk too far or I might get a blister. Plus Martha is making me a big dinner...” nope… I don’t think so. I imagine His answer would be, “No thank you.” Why is that so hard for me???? The word “No,” then a period. I’m working on that.

The second story line was totally disturbing to me. The one funny part was that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have found it disturbing at all. I would have actually found it comforting… everyone else is doing it… so it’s okay. The premise was that when you are in the committed relationship of marriage that it is totally okay to fantasize about other people. I was very pleased to see my husband shaking his head in total disagreement with this… in fact he said “Thou Shall Not Covet!” as he watched it. We both chuckled! My laugh and gladness at his statement had nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with God’s wish for our lives. I adamantly believe my spouse is a true gift from God. I am supposed to cherish him and honor him. I am supposed to be committed and stand by him no matter what. My entire relationship with my husband is an act of worship to God… and if I let another man enter that worship space in any way, I am totally disrespecting the gift. I am essentially spitting on the gift! Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t ever see men who intrigue me or catch my eye. I’m not even gonna lie and say I understood this whole concept the first 5 years of my marriage… because I didn’t!!!! I spit on my gift many times before I began to understand. And to this day, I still have eyes to see, ears to hear and interests that are occasionally sparked by others… but it’s what I do with those sights, sounds and interests that matter. I can choose to comb over them slowly in my head (combing leads to teasing and everyone know that too much teasing leads to a big, knotted mess. Even the best brush can’t get those tangles out without a lot of pain and hair-loss)… or I can choose to reject them and refocus on the awesome gift God has given me. If I have a hard time rejecting them, I pray hard, I go to the Word and pick a verse to help me. I repeat it over and over and sometimes I even ask my trusted prayer partners to pray for me to be released from temptation. God is faithful and if I look to Him to help me reject sin, He most certainly will.

Another thing about God is that He has extremely high standards. So high that if I allow another man to enter my thoughts in a lustful manner, I may as well just go ahead and go all the way with him physically. Now, I’m not saying if I’ve thought about it and it’s like doing it, I may as well just go ahead and do it. What I’m saying is… it is of upmost importance to not allow myself to go there at all, even in my mind.

In closing, I’d like to say that thankfully, God allows U-turns…. Phew! I recently joked with some friends that some days I feel like I’m just walking in circles, taking one U-turn after another. I LOVE that Ryan and I have grown to the point spiritually that we are not as confused by what we see on television. I’ll tell you this though, I do plan on keeping my eyes open. I’m sure there are plenty of things I don’t know to watch out for yet and the devil (along with society) would like nothing better than for me to be unaware of their impact. Today I’m so glad I was able to take that misleading story line that Satan was trying to use to desensitize society into not following God’s heart and turn it around in this writing and tell all of you who read this (all two of you) to stand firm on your commitment and don’t let anyone invade your worship space… it’s for you, your spouse and God…. period.

Only an Idiot

One of my spiritual mentors once told me that when I open the Bible to read God’s word, it is like allowing God to breathe new life into me. Me, a prisoner of sin who isn’t in-and-of-herself worthy to stand face to face with God. Yet, all I have to do to know I am close to Him, to feel His breath, is open His word.

Imagine this for a moment, I am in real prison… on death row. The fact of my innocence or guilt is moot. The only thing that really matters is that tomorrow I have a date with the gas chamber. There is one man who can change my fate… the president. All I need to do is get to him and ask him to save me, right? No problem. Oh wait, I’m in prison. The bars, the guards, the really tall wall with barbed wire and sharpshooters kinda-sorta stand in my way… hmmm.

Imagine for a moment, the prison warden has decided to let me have a two hour pass of freedom as long as I promise to return in exactly two hours (it could happen, right?). I take the bus downtown (my prison is conveniently located right outside of DC), and head over to the White House. I walk right up to the front door and knock on it. Mrs. Obama opens the door… oh wait. Even a free person can’t walk right up to the White House and knock on the door. There are guards and a large fence and many guns between me and the president. Not one person on this two hour journey would tell me that I am worthy to have the conversation I need to have with Mr. Barack Obama. Innocent or guilty, my fate is sealed. I resign myself to death and go back to the prison (or maybe secretly try to catch the redeye to Tahiti).

Well, before Jesus died on the cross for us, our relationship with God wasn’t much different than the scenario above I just asked you to imagine. DISCLAIMER: Let me state this clearly: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM SAYING OUR PRESIDIENT IS A GOD OR ANYTHING LIKE GOD. HE IS NOT! I am merely trying to illustrate a point. Before Jesus came to the world and took on the role of the living, breathing Word of God… all we had was a “deal” with God. The deal was this, He would set us free if we promised to be perfect by abiding by the 10 commandments. I’m not sure if you realize this, but we aren’t very good at being perfect so with that deal in place, we were simply not worthy to have a direct relationship with God. We were trapped in a prison, behind bars with armed guards all around and only our guilt to keep us company. The one and only being that could release us from our certain death was behind a curtain we could only dream of looking at. There were prophets sent by God and priests to be the go-between and help us attain forgiveness and understand the way. Abraham, David, Elijah, Elisha, John the Baptist are just a few. Because of God’s love for us, and His desire to be connected to us He changed the deal… He sent His only son to show us the way. He sent His only son to take our sin on as His own. He sent His only son to die in the gas chamber so we wouldn’t have to. He sent His only son to die for all the things we’ve done and even the things we haven’t yet thought to do. Hebrews 10: 19-23 tells us that Jesus’ death opened the curtain between us and God. Matthew 27:51 tells us that at the very moment of Jesus’ death, the curtain in the temple was torn in half from top to bottom. It is only by the sacrifice of Jesus that we are invited into a personal, loving, one-on-one relationship with our heavenly Father.

Go back now to my original request for your imagination. I am sitting in my prison cell knowing that the end is near. I am most certainly guilty of the offense I am sentenced to die for and I know I totally deserve what is coming. A guard comes to me and says, “You have a visitor.” But I’m not expecting anyone… my friends have abandoned me and my family is ashamed… who could it be?

To my grand surprise, the president appears right outside my cell. I am shocked because he has sought me out completely on his own. I feel strange to be in his presence, after all he is the president and he is the only one who can save my physical life. He looks directly in my eyes and says, “I know you’re guilty but I found someone who will gladly take the fall for you so if you want, I can set you free right now. What do you say, do you want to live in freedom or would you rather die? ”

Put yourself in those shoes for just moment… what would your answer be? Only an idiot would choose death over freedom… right?

I am in those shoes every single day. I am guilty, every day. I am innately unworthy of redemption and sentenced to death… but…God has sought me out completely on his own. God removed my unworthiness with His grace and His Gift. The life He offers is so much more than any president could ever offer. The life God offers is eternal and filled with blessings I can’t even fathom. And Jesus willingly did the hard part for me… all I have to do is say “Yes, I want to live. I believe. Lord, breathe your life into me!”

Yes, the breath of God is right there as I open the Bible. And God breathed life into his Word when He sent Jesus. It is amazing!!!! With all this on my mind these past few weeks, I found the following text from worship this Sunday quite fitting…

“Without your Word, we were lost and condemned. Without your Word, we were forever separated from you. Without your Word our sin made us unclean and unfit for your holy presence. Now we claim the forgiveness that is ours in Jesus Christ. We praise you for the salvation we have received freely by your grace! We sing of your greatness and power, for you have removed our transgressions!”

Open your Bible and let Him breathe on you… only an idiot would choose death over freedom.

Ah-Choo

Years ago, before I got sober, I used to think I was a pretty darn good Christian. I was nice to people, I had never done anything horrible, and I wasn’t walking around badmouthing God. I felt pretty good about myself and my standing with the Big Guy. It wasn’t until I started to actually try to understand what Christianity really was that I realized perhaps the perception I had of myself, was a little off. Sobriety led me to a real relationship with God. I remember as if it were yesterday, the day we went over the Ten Commandments in the Exploring the Bible class I took. Specifically, I remember thinking “Oh crap” with each commandment I read… and my “Oh crap” got louder and longer as I went from one to ten. That was when I realized… I wasn’t a darn good Christian at all. In fact, I had been a pretty crappy Christian most my life. My heart began pounding in my chest and my palms got sweaty… I was scared… and I think I actually said “I’m screwed!” out loud. The fear that was sparked in me actually proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a lot to learn about our loving God and this Christianity stuff.

I could get into all the inner workings of my last statement, but that would be a very long article for me to write and for you to read, so I’m just going to focus on one of the commandments right now…

Exodus 20:7 (NIV) reads like this: "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.” The most common way I have heard it is, "Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain."

For years I had no idea what this meant and I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I didn’t understand. I thought it was just something everyone understood and I was stupid for not getting it. Finally, I asked my husband to spell it out for me and he was able to get me to actually understand. Here is how he explained it to me. He asked me how I would feel if everyone started to say “Oh Wendy” every time they stubbed their toe or had something bad happen to them. I thought about it for awhile and the light bulb came on… that would suck to have my name associated with bad stuff. I would really dislike that and I’m not even someone who has done something incredible, like create the world and everything in it. It was then that I began to make a conscious effort to stop using God’s name without purpose, good or bad. The way I look at it now is, if I am not actually talking to God, praising Him and having a direct purpose in the use of His name… I am using it in vain. But it’s more complicated than that… society has created some tricks to try and get around it… “Oh my gosh” “Gosh darnit” and such… and in my opinion, purposely mispronouncing it is not a loophole. There are people who argue for and against this… but I’m just saying, for me… I feel like the original intent behind the habit (and I believe whole heartedly it is just a bad habit) is violating the commandment. Trust me, I’m guilty!!!! Now days when I stub my toe really hard on something the word, “God” just flies out of my mouth without thought… then I will intentionally follow it up with “bless America” then say a quick prayer for America to try and put myself on the up and up with God. Usually though, I quickly apologize to God for the infraction. I don’t beat myself up for it, but I have gotten a lot better about it in the past years. I am proud to say that it actually shocks me in public or in movies when I hear the Lord’s name used in vain, especially “GD”. I am glad I am not numb to that anymore. I am glad to be more sensitive and aware in that way. Speaking of awareness, I realized there was one place in my life I was not applying my new rules… the world of text speak. Since this realization, “OMG” has been permanently deleted from my internet shorthand. (BTW, does NE1 know what OMIK means??? JK WCA)

Lately my little brain prompted me to wonder, is saying “God Bless you” to a sneezer if you really don’t mean it a way of using the Lord’s name in vain???? I mean, if it’s just a gut reaction rather than a truly felt and meant response, is it just as bad as saying “”GD”? Some of you probably think I’m kidding, that my question is a joke but it’s not. I felt kind of silly wondering about it, but I finally asked a pastor friend of mine what he thought. While perhaps it was a silly thing to seriously ponder, I am so glad God set the question in my heart because what resulted from my question was a completely new understanding of what the Second Commandment is referring to.

Joe (my pastor friend), referred me to this article: http://www.achievebalance.com/spirit/cnc/third.htm You may not have time or want to read it so I’ll just give you my perception of what it says. Basically, we make a conscious decision to take on the Lord’s name as our family name when we make the decision to be a Christian (much like a wife decides to take the name of her husband upon marriage). When we take on His name as ours, we have a responsibility to make appropriate changes to our lives… to try our best to live like a follower of Christ (much like the change in life that occurs in marriage… no more dating, no more living alone – you are joined as one and you make decisions together). If we take on the family name of God but we do not make the appropriate changes that decision dictates, then we are essentially… taking His name in vain... taking on His name in vain.

So, taking the Lord’s name in vain can be as elementary as a slip of the tongue AND as serious as an inconsistent lifestyle. Wow… this really spoke to me. At the end of the article, the writer reminded me that we are all sinners and it is impossible to live a life that never takes the Lord’s name in vain so… just like with all the other commandments… it’s important for me to remember God’s grace and love is the only way I can ever deserve to carry His name. I must continue to consciously search for Him. I must attempt to live in intentional discipleship and do my best as a woman who has taken on the family name of God. This Commandment is a lot bigger than controlling the words that flow from my mouth.

Retreat & Renewal

I took a class many months ago called “Renewal in Christ.” It’s funny, when I heard about it there was this little indignant voice in my head that said, “There is NO WAY I’m gonna go to THAT! I don’t need RENEWAL in Christ… I’m just fine the way I AM!” But, low and behold, there I sat with a good friend of mine for a weekend dubbed, “Renewal in Christ.” It was one of the best uses of my time ever!!! And it just confirmed that anytime that little voice in my head says, “I don’t need this!!!” I should immediately sign up for whatever it is.

“Renewal in Christ” basically gave me some tools to use in my prayer life. Some of them I had already known about and some of them were brand new to me. One of the warnings at the end was that since I had taken the steps to improve my connection with God I might expect that the devil would be waiting in the wings to tempt me away from God and make my prayer life challenging for a time. I have to admit, that came to fruition. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was… but I had an extremely difficult time praying for months after the class. It was difficult to even string a sentence together towards God… so difficult that I would just settle on saying, “I’m sorry God… I’m trying.” I tried several different techniques but none of them worked. I was all over the place, couldn’t concentrate… and left a lot of my prayers to be said on my behalf by people I love (by the way… that works too. If you find you are unable… others CAN help and the Spirit is always there ready and willing to intercede on your behalf). One day I broke down when talking with a therapist. I told him I hadn’t been able to pray in a long time and that it was really bothering me. He told me to just keep trying, that was all God wanted. So, that’s what I did.

About a month ago, I had a breakthrough in my prayer life after finally doing something I think God had been wanting me to do for months… nail down my priorities! I got a huge piece of butcher paper, a ruler and some magic markers and created a month schedule. My priorities came into focus as I filled in the minutes of the days. I scheduled a 30 minute prayer time for myself everyday! It’s funny, once the schedule was complete… my prayers just came easy as pie. I haven’t missed a day yet and they flow easily – I end up going over my 30 minutes without even realizing it. As a result, my daily conscious connection to God is so much better!

I decided to take the plunge and plan a longer prayer time… the pastor who taught “Renewal in Christ” suggested baby steps in this… to go from a portion of your day to maybe a day and then a weekend and then perhaps even up to a week. I asked my husband if he would be cool with me a taking a weekend away from it all to just be with myself and connect with God. Thankfully, he was fully supportive so I made my reservation at a local resort.

I didn’t know what to expect at all. There is the part of me that is very fearful of new situations and places. I wasn’t sure if I would be petrified and just stay in my hotel room alone all weekend… or if I’d be able to venture out a bit. The place I stayed had 40 acres, a beautiful lake and both indoor and outdoor pool and hot tubs. It was gorgeous! It felt strange at first, my heart felt kind of hardened. A friend let me borrow a prayer book/meditation called “With Open Hands” I pulled it out of my bag as I unpacked. I was feeling strange so I decided to go for a walk around the grounds to find where everything was. Should I eat, where should I eat? Should I go swimming, which pool? Should I take a walk, which trail? Should I watch TV? The only thing on was Criminal Minds and that really wasn’t what I had in mind for a prayer retreat! It didn’t take long before I was sitting in my room feeling strange again, so I went ahead and sat down to read through the first chapter of the prayer book. Funny… it was about silence. The meditation was “Why do I avoid silence?” If that didn’t hit the nail on the head for why I felt strange… I don’t know what would have. My life is SO noisy… cell phones, television, a 4 year old constantly needing something, a dog who barks about everything, the radio in the car... silence just doesn’t happen unless I make it happen. This was my chance to really make it happen… I embraced it and allowed the strangeness to slide away. I laid down in the dark and silent room and meditated for a long while then decided to just drift off to sleep.

The morning was glorious! I felt brand new!!! I felt happy and restored!!! I decided to get some coffee and take a walk around the lake (2 mile walk). I wasn’t nervous about being alone, I was just satisfied in full. I heard nature and my own breath. I heard the ground crunching under my shoes and I knew that it was all because of God’s grace that I was there, enjoying His world. After my walk, I sat at a picnic table to read some of the prayer book. It was about depending on God. I had this realization… God doesn’t use the gifts He gives us to manipulate us… humans do that. God gives us gifts and asks nothing in return. Wow… once again I am astounded by the way I incorrectly label God with human characteristics! Then it came to me… I am afraid to depend on God fully because I fear He will ask me to do something I don’t think I am able to do, something outside of my current skill set. I fear failure so I want to just continue doing the things I already know how to do. My head knows God will never ask for anything He won’t give me the ability and support to do but it comes down to heart. I must decide to trust fully and open up and accept that He will not let go of me.

I found myself able to do something I hadn’t been able to do in a long time… just be fully kind with no expectations. I was wearing a smile… and saying hello to everyone around me. It was like the piece of Jesus that once resided in me was back!!! My retreat had already accomplished something amazing, I could end it now and be elated. I think it’s only fair to say, that the kind part of me that seemed to be missing hadn’t really gone anywhere… it had just gotten crusted over with some hardening. Life does that to us sometimes. That’s why we all need retreats.

I went to the pool. I was the only one there and it was cool, only because of how early it was. I took a refreshing swim then sat down to complete another task God asked of me a week earlier. I had been upset with myself, and praying about how easily someone (of influence) in my life had gotten me confused about aspects of my Christianity. God suggested that I write down in plain and simple terms what it is I believe and why. That way it would be right there in black and white. It would be real and concrete… confusion would have no choice but to flee. I sat there at the pool going through my Bible… I read through all four Gospels and came up with my list… and linked them each to various places in the Bible. I’m not sure my list is complete but… wow, I have a much better understanding of what I stand firm on. One of the things I wrote down was “Always love” and another was “Always forgive.” I opened a different book to read a chapter which ironically told me I needed to do some major forgiveness. I went to my room and completed the suggested exercise of talking it out with an empty chair. I’m sure I looked like a nutbag but I didn’t care. I came to the conclusion; I had to forgive this person… so I could be forgiven by God, so I could stop hurting myself and because I knew I was bound to sin again in this lifetime. Forgiveness was a must. I went to my knees and made it real.

I took another walk later… found a cozy little corner outside with tall pine trees and a comfy wooden reclining chair. The prayer book talked about different types of prayer… prayers of petition, prayers of praise and prayers of thanksgiving… but the real distinction to concern myself with was… were my prayers considered prayers of little faith (I’ll pray for this even though I don’t think it will happen – what could it hurt???) or prayers of hope (I know God will answer me, I know God’s will will be done!)??? I have to say in searching my heart… I discovered that my prayers are full of hope. They didn’t used to be… but they are now. I pray with certainty that God will take care of me and others. I recognize that He will not always answer them with what I want but He will always answer in time. The Bible tells us that if we believe, God will give us whatever we pray for… but it also tells us that if we believe, God will show us what to pray for. I smiled at the thought that I was doing this hope thing pretty well. I was thankful!

I was on a roll so I moved to a new spot and read the next section. It was about compassion and I have to tell you… my pride was in place. I had just read about how awesome I was doing in my prayer life and now I was going to read about compassion – something I considered myself fluent at. Oh boy… can I just tell you that I didn’t understand a word in the first several pages of this chapter. I felt like I was reading a foreign language. What a shock to have compassion be so challenging for me to understand. Here is what I did get… “A human being is not someone who once in a while makes mistakes and God is not someone who now and then forgives.” I then wrote down this prayer in hopes that I would remember to say it now and again, “I do not know the answer and I can’t do this on my own but I don’t need to know and I don’t have to be able.”

I was exhausted so I took a nap… ahhh.

This is kind of funny, I used to love romantic movies until I realized how harmful they were to me. I just latched on to the idea of that perfect never-ending love and really believed “movie love” was possible! When I got sober and checked into reality, I found that I really disliked those movies and was angry at myself for allowing myself to be so misled by them. Here’s the funny part… for some strange reason… I had really been wanting to re-watch the movie Titanic lately. The first time I watched it the love story made me fall head-over-heels for Leonardo! Here’s the really funny part… I was flipping channels on the television and there it was. And imagine my luck, it had just started! I sat watching it with a smile, enjoying it but not for the same reason I loved it the first time. I wasn’t quite sure why I was enjoying it. Half way through, I felt the urge to go outside for another walk and meditation time so I did. I returned in time to watch the last 45 minutes of the movie (wow - that’s a long movie). At the end, when Jack was making Rose promise to go on with her life and never give up, I started to cry. I’m not typically a crier so it surprised me especially since I wasn’t so involved with the characters… I asked myself why I was crying. That’s when I realized why I was enjoying this movie so much… and why I was emotional. In my mind, the movie related to what Jesus has done for me. He saved me… in every way I could ever be saved. He did it in love. He did it for free. He died for me. He asked me to make a promise to him… to never give up. I know, it’s silly to relate a pop culture movie to the reality of the great Jesus Christ, but it really struck me in those moments.

I set my clock to watch the sunrise. I had the coffee maker ready and the lounging chair in place. I sat perched in my chair at 5:15 am knowing the sun wouldn’t be up for quite some time. I sat there sipping coffee and praying for the people driving by. I watched the moon and stars slowly slide to the west across my window until they were out of view. It was so quiet. The sun peeked over the horizon at 6:30ish and it was beautiful. I’m not sure I ever remember watching a sunrise before.

I decided to take another 2 mile walk around the lake before it got too hot. I got my coffee and strawberries and headed that way. But the feeling I had on this morning was much different than the feeling I had the prior morning. Instead of peace and serenity, I was struck with pure fear. Anxiety began to rise in me, almost uncontrollably. I wondered if I should not go for this walk all alone. I wondered if some danger awaited me out there that might leave my husband and child wondering what happened to me years later. Panic invaded my mind, body and heart. I prayed asking God if I should take this walk. He said yes. So I stepped forward to do it, in fear. As I walked, I told God over and over that I trusted He would take care of me, but admitted I was still afraid. For some reason I could not escape the fear. My head turned at every little noise. I kept telling God I trusted Him…I kept telling God I was afraid. I wondered why I was so scared. I made it all the way around without incident then sat down on the picnic table ready to read another part of the prayer book. Imagine my surprise to discover a lesson on courage awaiting me in the book. Part of following God’s will is having great courage in the face of fear. I learned that being afraid is okay sometimes… and it doesn’t mean we don’t have faith, it simply means we are human. I recall a well-meaning organization telling me that faith and fear can not be present at the same time. I guess I bought into that and since then have thought that if I truly had faith, I would never be afraid. My walk of terror showed me that, for me, that simply wasn’t true. Oh how I understood why I had been so afraid… God was teaching me a personal lesson, a lesson I will not soon forget.

After another early morning dip in an isolated pool, I sat back and read a final lesson. It was a big idea… the idea of how our lives can actually become prayer instead of our lives just including prayer. What if everything we did we were able to have an awareness of God’s hand? What if everything we saw made us realize how powerful and present our Lord is? What if we were to regard every single person we came across as a real brother or sister in Christ? What if our lives were a living prayer to the Creator?

I left the hotel feeling a mix between excitement to get home to my loving husband and adorable son and reluctance to re-enter my noisy, busy life. Funny, both excitement and reluctance at the same time. If I’m going to be honest, I have to admit I have those same feelings about God at times too. Interesting how doing the things we know are good for us incites such confliction. I, for one, will make a habit of taking my retreat time, my quiet time with God… little bits daily but also bigger weekend renewals as needed. Like I said, I feel like I got a little Jesus shaped piece of myself back… but all I really did was let God work a miracle, softening a slightly hardened heart. I had a true renewal in Christ experience and I highly recommend it!

Overwhelmed by Grace

I heard an amazing sermon message at Saturday night service this week and I just HAD to write about it. The idea of what I am going to share with you is not my own, but these are my experiences and my interpretation of what the pastor shared with the congregation. I have to say a light bulb went off for me… and I am so very grateful.

Orphans
I had a loving family growing up, but I have stilled lived the majority of my life as though I were an orphan. In many ways I orphaned myself; it was not necessarily done for me. No matter what I did or where I went, I simply didn’t feel like I fit in. I jumped from school to school, friend to friend, job to job, relationship to relationship, place to place trying to find the place I truly belonged. I made a willful decision to leave college and my family in the United States to follow a boy to another country. I was never more orphaned than at that point in my life… I had no one. The boy I left it all for turned out to be… just a human being, flawed and orphaned himself. I expected a lot more and ended up extremely hurt. Years later, my self-imposed orphan status led me to alcoholism. I had been silently crying out to the world, “Someone… please… adopt me… I need to be loved… I want to belong… I want a daddy who accepts me just the way I am.” McGlynn’s Pub became my “daddy” for a few years. I went there every night drinking with strangers who soon became my family. No matter what I did, I was accepted. They knew my name, they knew my drink and they saved my bar stool for me. I felt loved. Getting sober made my “family” and acceptance disappear. I found a new family at AA. That worked for awhile but soon I had to face reality… I was still an orphan in my mind. Last night as I listened to the message I realized a part of that orphan still lives inside of me… I am unable to commit to a church family. I’ve told myself that it’s because I want to have the freedom to go where I wish, that I can’t choose between the two worship styles my husband and I disagree on, that churches are too eager to have you join and it is a turn off but I think the truth of the matter is… I still see myself as an orphan and I am afraid. Admitting this makes me tear up.

Slaves
I’m a mother. It’s a job I take very seriously. I attend a Christian parenting class once a week in an effort to do it right. One of the things I have learned in class is the importance of letting my son know that no matter what happens, no matter what he does, even when I’m angry or disappointed with him that I still love him. He must know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him unconditionally. Now this doesn’t mean he can walk all over me, it just means that hopefully he will sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that he is truly loved by his mother. Perhaps it is a generational thing, but this concept seems to be quite different from the way a lot of people my age were raised. Now, let me say this clearly… I am not blaming my parents or saying they did anything wrong in what I am about to say. I grew up thinking that love hinged on my good deeds. Somehow I ended up with this perception that the only time I was loved was when I had done something to make me worthy of love. On the flip side, when people were upset with me, I truly believed I was hated… yes, hated. I have many friends that grew up feeling the same way so, like I said, perhaps it was a generational thing… and as a result of these perceptions, I essentially became a slave for love. I have spent my life working diligently at earning the love of others. To this very day, I do not handle conflict very well. While my head now understands that real love doesn’t work that way, my habits and heart are easily led astray. I find myself working for love in almost every aspect of my life. The biggest aspect this affects is my relationship with God. I realized last night that I am continuing to diligently attempt to earn the love of my Father with everything I do. Yes, when I become still or even step backwards slightly my flesh begins to panic, afraid that the favor that God has rested on me will be ripped away and given to someone else who is more deserving. The devil is readily waiting at my ear, whispering confirmations of this incorrect belief. I have believed satan for far too long. It’s time to change. It’s time to step into God’s grace and believe with all I have, with total faith that I am truly loved regardless! I must accept that I am spoken for because I believe… that I am truly His daughter. Typing this makes me tear up for a different reason.

Daughters
A daughter of the King was created to enjoy all the kingdom has to offer. She was not created to be alone or to be enslaved. She is lovingly disciplined when she screws up, but never punished. She is fully aware of the responsibilities she has to be the best daughter she can be but she also knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that her Father’s love is not dependant on her performance. She is fully and awesomely aware of His grace. She is conscious of His presence and knows she is never alone. She is not an orphan, nor is she a slave… she is a rightful heir. She is confident… she accepts her family responsibility proudly and wears her families crest with honor never doubting where she belongs. How does she do this? She answers two questions honestly. I have asked them of myself: What do I know to be true about God? He loves me. What do I know to be true about me? I believe He sent His son Jesus to die for me. Today I start a new life. It isn’t the life of a lonely, confused and frightened orphan and it’s not the life of a workaholic, worried slave… but it is the life of a confident, responsible and humble daughter. An heir to the eternal kingdom of heaven! It’s only by grace that I understand this… and I am in fact… overwhelmed by grace. This changes everything.

Confessions of an Airport Troublemaker

I learned very early in life about the repercussions of causing trouble at an airport. I recall being immediately yelled at by my father AND several airport employees because I made a very inappropriate joke about a bomb. This was before security was so tight and you could go all the way to the gate with or without a ticket. I was just a little girl then. It’s funny, things have change dramatically since then. After 9-11 I gained a lot more respect for airport security and would never even think about making such a joke.

I've traveled a lot in the last few months (10 flights) and I have collected a few experiences to share.

Bomb in the Bag
I went to Madison, WI for the weekend for a bachelorette party. It was a quick trip so I only just had a small carry on bag. The weekend passed quickly and before long it was time to come home. I always get just a little bit nervous when I go through security. I don't know why since I never have anything to get in trouble for, but I still get a little uptight. I got a little more uptight when several TSA agents were called over to look at the x-ray of my bag. There was a unanimous decision to pull my bag off the belt and do a thorough search. They called me over behind the screen and asked me a bunch of questions before opening the bag. Did you pack your own bag... yes. Has anyone accessed your bag other than you... no. Do you have any weapons in your bag... no. Have you handled any explosives in the last 24 hours... NO! I start to get worried. The last question they asked was... Do you have any candles in your bag? “No, of course not. I have no reason to have a candle.” With rubber gloves in place, the TSA agent sprayed the bag with some special spray then carefully opened the bag. She looked inside then looked at me with funny disgust. I couldn't imagine what she had found... she pulled out a giant candle and said, “I thought you said you didn't have any candles in your bag.” I was mortified... yes... I did have a candle but I wasn't trying to lie. My sister-in-law had given me several gifts right before we left for the airport and I had stuffed them in my bag quickly... the candle was a gift and I had simply forgotten about it. I felt like a moron. The TSA agent put it back in the bag and zipped it up. She informed me that candles look exactly like plastic explosives on the x-ray machine. She kind of laughed at me at that point, which was nice. At least she was kind about it. I went on my way relieved, but completely embarrassed.

Pistol Whipped
Brett and I traveled to VA together to see my parents. We took two suitcases but only checked one because I didn't want to pay the baggage fee for both (they get you coming and going these days). Similar to the last story, my carry on got taken off the belt after a hefty discussion at x-ray but this time the TSA agent was extremely unfriendly. I had Brett with me so you can imagine how dangerous I looked. He asked me repeatedly if I had any weapons in my bag... my answer was a resounding no... at least until he reached into my bag and pulled out a small metal revolver. Yep, I had a gun in my carry on... what an idiot I am!!! In my defense, it was a toy... from my childhood (back when they made guns that looked real) and it was now one of Brett's favorite things to play with when he was playing Pirates. I spoke up to try and tell the TSA agent that the gun was a toy only to be shushed immediately. He looked it over for a good 5 minutes then said in a very serious voice, “You are free to go but I am going to have to confiscate your weapon.” The word confiscate made me kind of chuckle inside but this was surely no laughing matter. I apologized to the agent but he didn't want to hear it. The best part of the story is what Brett said to me as I apologized to him about having to walk away from one of his favorite toys... he looked up at me sweetly and said, “That’s okay mom, I didn't need it anyway.” Awe!!!! So you may be wondering, how the heck did I allow that gun to get in my bag??? Well, let’s just say that I will never ever let Brett pack his own things again... at least without carefully going through it before heading to the airport.

Boarding Pass Foul-up
As I've said, I've traveled a lot in the last months, enough that I have the DFW airport TSA security process down! Once you show your boarding pass and ID to the security officer who checks it, stares at you then marks it with a highlighter then you can put your boarding pass and ID away. They clearly tell you...They don't need to see it when you walk through the metal detector. In fact, sometimes they have a guy standing there just to remind you to put it away. The new thing at DFW is to put your shoes on the belt instead of in a bin. It was on the news and sure enough, this is the new rule. Aside from those times I tried to sneak candle “explosives” and a pistol into my bag, I usually breeze right through security with no problems. I was going through security at the Roanoke, VA airport... my most recent flight. I did what I always do... tucked my boarding pass and ID into my wallet after the TSA agent gave me the once over and checked me off with the official highlighter. I took my shoes off, put them on the belt along with my purse and other carry-on... laptop and mini-tv in a bin. I was all proud of myself for having it all together... no trouble this time – I was sure of it!!! It was my turn to walk through the metal detector and the TSA agent held his hand out to me and said, “I need to see your boarding pass.” Well, duh... it was in my purse which was under the x-ray machine and I told him that. He told me he needed it... I was kind and said something to this effect, “I am so sorry... but you know how it is... each airport is different and usually we don't need it here. I'm sorry.” He got really pissy with me and said, “No!!! Every airport is the exact same. TSA policy is the same across the board! You ALWAYS need your boarding pass here.” He finished his statement with these words... “You are wrong.” My hackles raised, like the hair on the back of an agitated dog, and I thought to myself... I'm gonna get arrested! I took a deep breath, reminded myself that Brett was standing right next to me and I needed to show a good example. I forced a fake smile, bit my tongue and said, “I'm sorry sir.” He allowed me to show it to him after the metal detector and we quickly went on our way. I have to be honest, I was greatly annoyed!!!! I had that “I need a drink” feeling for a nanosecond. I really don't like being told I am wrong (who does) especially when I am in all actuality correct. Maybe TSA policy is the same across the board... but hey... po-dunk Roanoke, VA airport, the airport with a grand total of 12 gates is the only place I have been asked to show my boarding pass at the metal detector in a very long time!!!! I have a feeling DFW might be a little more on top of TSA policy.

As a born sinner, I must accept that no matter how badly I may want to stay on the straight and narrow, I will always fail only to have to deal with the consequences. Sometimes my sins are a result of total forgetfulness (candle in the bag), sometimes I get wrapped up in a sin by mere association but still must accept responsibility for my part (letting a 4 year old pack his own bag), and sometimes it will happen in the midst of trying my best to follow the rules (TSA meany). There is that other kind of sin too... the willful decision to be disobedient. I think I tend to overcomplicate the whole thing though in an attempt to keep score. Inside my head I have a sin demerit chart. Gossip = 15 demerits, dishonesty =30 demerits, missing church = 40 demerits and then there are the big ones... adultery = 90,000 demerits, murder= 100,000 demerits. I don't think I'm right though, in fact I think this is down right wrong (Catholics everywhere are gasping for air). I think I'm missing the point completely. If I could ask God, I believe the truth would be that all my sins carry the same weight no matter what the circumstances are. I don't think He measures them with anything other than a desire for me to recognize them, humbly ask for forgiveness, and “learn & turn” from them. Is it ironic that there are so many rules to follow so we can safely go high up in the sky? Heaven is awaiting... but God doesn't have a crew of TSA agents to put me through the paces and make sure the rules are being followed. That part is up to me – to open myself up to the Spirit as a guide to help me remember, to guide me away from carelessness and even tell me I'm wrong when I deserve it. It's hard being this sinner... but in the wise words of an awesome Christian therapist, all God expects is for me to keep searching for Him... so I’ll just keep trying.

Watered Down

Since Brett’s birth I have planned to make certain he is raised with God in his life. In fact, my son’s birth was one of the reasons my husband and I returned to church after being gone for a time (sound familiar to anyone?). I thought getting him excited about bible stories would be easy but as it turned out, it wasn’t.

I grew up in the church but only came to really understand what being a daughter of the Father was all about 3 years ago. I did an intense yet very interesting bible study a few years ago in which we read the entire bible, cover to cover. I realized something crazy as I went through this process… in almost every case, all those bible stories I was taught as a child had been censored so much that the morals of the stories had been completely left out. The bible just so happens to be one of the most exciting, dangerous, epic, sexy, graphic books ever written – and because of that, many of the stories just aren’t very appropriate for the virginal, protected, delicate ears of children. At the same time, as an adult this made the bible totally relevant to today’s world!!!! For example, I was shocked to read about how Moses, the hand picked man of God who led the Israelites out of captivity and was given the 10 commandments… murdered a guard who was being mean to a guy he knew then hid the evidence. He got caught anyway so instead of facing the music, he ran away. Or how about Kind David, another handpicked man of God, known as the man after God’s own heart. He lustfully committed adultery which resulted in an unwanted pregnancy. In an attempt to cover up his error, he had the woman’s husband murdered. Do you think that’s relevant to today at all??? Wow… definitely not a story to tell kids though, huh?

But what about Jonah… how many of you know the real ending to Jonah and whale??? The story doesn’t end when the whale spits him out… there is much more that reveals the real reason for the incident. It shows Jonah as a whiny, jealous, judgmental, disobedient man who learns how loving God really is and utters, “That’s not fair!” when God wants to be merciful to sinners Jonah doesn’t approve of. Now that is a story I can TOTALLY relate to… and you know what, I think our children can too. Don’t you think it would be smart to let our children see the realness of the bible? I think if we are going to let our kids watch today’s television… maybe they can handle the REAL bible but, no… we have to protect them from the word of God… how ironic is that????

As a result, the publishers have created an array of children’s bibles and story books to help parents get kids excited about God but also keep their sweet, innocent, virginal minds safe. I have many versions of many attempts at this but it seems that no matter which method I try, Brett just isn’t interested. It’s like he can see just from the cover art that it’s a boring bible book. I don’t know what it is… but perhaps he is smart enough to know that something is missing. The only way I have found to share bible stories with Brett is to act them out with his toys, and he seems to enjoy that – but its’ WORK!!!!

I found a book at a gift shop a year ago called “The Brick Testament: The Ten Commandments” by Brendan Powell Smith. I bought it because I thought it was hilarious… this guy took scripture and illustrated it with Legos, yes Legos. I never considered sharing it with Brett because it is a little adult, meaning it doesn’t take out the goriness… murder and such. I wasn’t sure it was “appropriate” for his little mind. As I prepared for my recent trip to VA, I came across the book and for some reason decided to throw it in my carry-on. It wasn’t until our plane ride home that I pulled it out of the bag and asked Brett if he wanted to read it with me. I wasn’t sure what he would say since he seems to reject any and all religious books. He looked it over quickly and said, “Sure!” with excitement.

Well, I have never seen this child more excited about a book in my life. I read the scriptures to him then explained the pictures in my own words. Do you know he wanted to keep going and going and going… he remembers that Moses was found in a basket in the river… he knows that Pharaoh made slaves of the Israelites, he knows that God spoke to Moses through the burning bush! He even asked me how God could do such a thing… I explained it was a miracle and God can do whatever He wants and Brett accepted that!!!! So much conversation has come from this book and he keeps asking me to re-read it and read more. I know part of it is that he likes Legos… but I think another part of it is that it isn’t “watered down” for him. It’s the real Word of God and he likes it! I was so excited that I went online to see if there were any more books like this. As it turns out, Mr. Smith has done two more books, “The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis” and “the Brick Testament: The Christmas Story.” I ordered them but found something even more exciting…. he has a website http://www.thebricktestament.com !!! On his website he has gone through the entire bible, telling many of the stories in just the same manner! Of course, we will have to look at them on-line but hey – Brett loves the computer so that is not a problem.

I think so many of us, myself included, have turned our nose up at the bible thinking it is far too boring or scary for us to actually want to read or understand but I’m here to tell you… it’s a very exciting, adult book that leaves you on the edge of your seat. With versions such as “The Message” out there now that make it really easily understood, there is no excuses to let the dust continue to collect. I’m studying Proverbs right now… and everything I’ve ever wanted to know is right there… a guideline to life… all relevant to now, all waiting to be discovered and taken to heart. I plan to base my house rules on Proverbs so when Brett asks me why he has to obey or why he can’t stay out all night I can not only say, “Because I said so…” but also point it out in the Word so he sees that these are God’s laws first and foremost! Of course that requires knowledge on my part so… wish me luck in my endeavor!

As for right now, I’m so glad I have a way to share the bible with Brett that he enjoys… nothing is going to keep me from giving him the real story. No more “watering down” or leaving out the moral of the story for us! I wonder… since God made us to need Him… is it possible that he also made us to intrinsically need the whole story… and thus we are perhaps subconsciously aware and disinterested when the whole story isn’t being told? With God… anything and everything is possible!!!

Responsibility (An Addendum to a T-shirt)

Okay, so in my last article, I talked about the idea of being afraid to “stick out” in a crowd, the fear of being different in society. I asked the question, if I am so able and willing to show the world who my favorite sports team is, why should I be afraid of showing the world that I am a big fan of Jesus? I related the scariness of being in a foreign country to blending in… and then to how we Christians tend to want to blend in to society rather than show the difference He has made in our lives. I talked about my decision to be more diligent in “wearing” my beliefs emotionally and physically… enter my collection of Christian T-shirts…

I have one with a picture of a skunk that says “Sin Stinks… I didn’t do it!” I have one that says “Holy Roller” on a roller skate. I have one that says “Jesus is my BFF” and then there is the black one that has a picture of a stick figure in a fire on the front and on the back says, “Friends don’t let friends go to Hell.”

Yes, I wear them proudly but I felt moved to share a little story with you… a story of a slight blunder I made.

It had been a long day of parenting, one of those days where I was counting the minutes until Brett’s bedtime… he had been challenging, I had been challenging… we just hadn’t had a good day (I’m sure none of you parents out there have any idea what I’m talking about). Well, the bedtime ritual had begun and for some reason my hubby wasn’t home so it was all up to me that night. We had finished brushing teeth after 10 minutes of whining “I don’t like this toothpaste.” We had gone pee-pee after 10 minutes of “but I don’t have to go pee-pee” and we were in the middle of putting PJ’s on after a 15 minute battle about “but I don’t want to wear THOSE pajamas.”

Just as I was helping Brett slide on his blue pajama top (which was the honorable mention choice of sleepwear) the doorbell rang. The dog began barking and all hell broke lose. After a short but apparently not long enough pause, I slowly walked over to the door and opened it.

With Brett at my leg and the dog trapped in the bathroom barking, my eyes fell upon a man I had never seen before. He smiled and said, “Good evening ma’am… My name is John and I’m out here today to see if can help you with your siding needs. We have a great sale going on and I’m ready to offer you a great deal.”

Annoyed… okay… really annoyed I interrupted him and spoke in a tone of voice that would have made satan himself run for cover. I said “I’m not sure if you noticed, but my house is brick… I don’t need any siding. Besides, I am trying to put my son to bed after a really long day.” I looked at my watch and continued, “do you think you could find a better time to walk around bothering people?” He starred at me blankly then began to tell me to have a nice night but I didn’t even let him finish… I turned and slammed the door.

I know, I know… I was a total bitch! To be honest, I felt really bad about the way I had treated him. Almost immediately I realized I hadn’t stopped to think at all before I spoke. My mouth had just gone off on autopilot. I wanted to run down the street to apologize but I was too embarrassed. Worst of all, my son witnessed my horrible behavior. After telling him how wrong it was for me to treat the man that way, I went back to the business of putting Brett to bed and before too long, the house was quiet.

I went into the bathroom to wash my face and stopped to look at myself. I thought, “Well, aren’t you proud of yourself Wendy?” and that’s when I realized something more awful than all of it… I had on my pretty pink t-shirt that says “Love Thy Neighbor” in GIANT letters. Argh… a final stab of forced humility. I imagined the damage I may have done to God’s kingdom with that 5 seconds of unfiltered words. Sure, he was just one man but let’s say he was on the fence between committing to a life with Christ or heading the opposite direction… my actions, coupled with the t-shirt could have very easily made him turn away saying, “and that’s why I can’t stand Christians!” He was merely trying to make some wages… he was doing his job… and quite kindly I must say.

Dear mister siding sales guy – I am really sorry for being so horrible to you… and no… Christians aren’t supposed to act that way… but we aren’t perfect either, which I suppose is the point of our Christianity. We need forgiveness for our thoughtlessness and cruelty. You didn’t deserve the way I acted and I pray that wherever you are, God will put the right person in front of you to show you the way Jesus means us to live. I humbly ask for your forgiveness.

The moral of the story here is that my Christian t-shirts should have come with an official, legal contract which clearly states that the wearer of said t-shirt promises to conduct themselves in the proper manner while wearing and since the store didn’t provide me with such a document, it is really not my fault. Just kidding… the moral of the story is that all Christians make mistakes…but when I choose to step out into society, claiming Jesus as the Way, the Truth and the Light… I do have a responsibility to do my best to wear Him in a way that actually shows the world His light. There’s already enough darkness out there.

Blending In

I am sitting here in Grand Cayman watching the palm trees blow in the wind and the waves crash on the beach from my condo porch. I'm drinking my coffee and I feel nothing short of relaxed and confident. I'm comfortable in my surroundings. I'm steady in my own little world, even though I have only resided in this room for a little over 2 days. But when I open the door to venture out into the new and different world of the Cayman Islands, a different country, my security bottoms out and I am left feeling vulnerable.

My husband chuckled at me yesterday when I told him I was “afraid' to walk into the local restaurant we picked for dinner. Yes, I was afraid, not terrified, but definitely uncomfortable. I suppose its because I fear being different, not doing things correctly and being regarded as another one of those stupid Americans that comes to the islands without respect of the culture and people who call this their home. Isn't it sad that this is what I think of my own people... that we would be seen as “stupid Americans.” I am sorry if I have offended anyone with that statement.

As I step out on this vacation trying new things, I have to make the choice to step through the fear I have because if I don't make that choice I will just end up sitting in my condo for the entire week watching the Home and Garden Channel, safe but perhaps not very smart.... now that is the definition of a stupid American!!! When I look into the truth behind the fear, I find the real problem is in the lack of knowledge and understanding of my surroundings. The real answer isn't to hide and it isn't to just “blend in” because if I were to do that I wouldn't actually learn anything. The only way to find peace in my steps is to humble myself and be willing to learn and absorb what this place has to offer.

Last week in one of my book studies, a topic of discussion was the fact that some people are afraid to embrace the life of a Christian because they are afraid others will view them as one of those Jesus Freaks or Religious Nut-bags. It's true that many of us Christians walk around in fear of the “Jesus Freak” tag... so much that the average person we come in contact with has no idea one way or another where we stand. In other words, we blend in to society as to not stand out... our goal is to fly under the radar for as long as possible yet still be able to say to God... “take me to heaven with you – I am a Christian!”

I would be lying if I told you I don't have the same fear... in fact... I tagged myself with the title “Jesus Freak” on Facebook just so no one else could do it for me. I am a fairly open Christian but the fear is still with me. I fear that I won't get chance to really get to know a person because they will be afraid of my Christianity, meaning they will think I am a hypocritical, judgmental dirt-bag (the Christian version of Stupid American). I'm not saying we should all just run out there and start shouting “Hey... I'm a believer in Christ!!!!” but what I am saying is that maybe we shouldn't be so afraid live like we believe in Christ. Jesus told us to love others the way He has loved us... in that simple action we can show the world what Christianity is without saying a word. Trust me, people will notice.

On the not-so-silent side... a teacher of mine once got me thinking about this... does the world, the people I come in contact with, the people I see on a daily basis, do they know what sports team I like???? Yes. How do they know that? Well, I wear it. Not only physically but mentally. I have dozens of t-shirts that say “Green Bay Packers.” My language and conversations reflect and acknowledge them as a team I follow. For goodness sake, I even named my son Brett after the great Mr. Favre... if that doesn't say “fan” I don't know what does. So why then shouldn't I wear my Christianity the same way? Why shouldn't I show the world that I am a fan of Jesus Christ? I really liked this analogy a lot. So much that I decided to be more purposeful in my physical and mental actions to show Christ's love. I have some really cute Christian t-shirts that I wear proudly and I do my best to speak of my beliefs when it fits... instead of just doing my best to blend in.

After all, what good does being a Christian do if I just keep it all to myself? I don't want to blend in so well that no one sees the difference Christ has made in my life. That would be like paying thousands of dollars to sit in a Cayman Islands condo just to watch the Home and Garden Channel (stupid American). Well, I've got to go put on my “Sin Stinks” t-shirt and take in some snorkling at Rum Point! See ya later!!!!