Chat

I learned a valuable lesson last night, one that I hope I won’t soon forget. I had a “date” to chat with a friend of mine. I had been looking forward to it all day and was excited when it was time. Unfortunately, another circumstance arose and when it was time for us to get together, we didn’t. I was bummed. First I must say, I don’t deal with changes in plan very well to begin with, but add on some extra sensitivity and wow… I got some very silly hurt feelings. I felt let down and disappointed. I felt unimportant and silly… I felt sad. My heart kinda did this achy thing it hasn’t done in a long time and at that point I thought it was really strange for me to be so hurt over something so simple. I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep but couldn’t. I started talking to God and asked Him what my deal was… why was I so hurt over something so simple and ridiculous? And that was when He showed me something that made me understand Him just a little bit more.

I love my friend… but she owes me absolutely nothing. We are friends to the end… and I’d do anything for her. My friendship with her is based on nothing other than kindness and respect and love. Our plans to chat didn’t work out, for a reason I understood and support but it still hurt.

I love God… and I owe Him everything. He never leaves my side. He created me, He gave me everything I have, He has saved me from so many terrible things and I am sure there are more to come. He forgives me every time I ask. He holds a special place for me in His kingdom. He calls me daughter. He sends His Spirit to me often to guide me and tell me things. He gave me His only Son with no strings attached. My plans to chat with Him change all the time and usually for reasons that escape any understanding (messing around on Facebook or watching re-runs of Seinfeld).

So… how much more does it hurt God when my plans to chat with Him “don’t work out” because I decide to go watch television or take a nap. How much more than my little heartache does it pain God when I consciously choose something else instead of time with Him? After all, He created me… and I owe everything I am to Him.

Tears came to my eyes when I really thought about this. But not in a beat-myself-up-forever, I’m-such-a-terrible-awful-person, how-could-You-love-me kind of way. It was more of a thank-You-for-showing-me-that-I-need-to-do-better, thank-You-for-Your-grace kind of way. I am truly humbled today… and so very thankful to my friend for this lesson she helped me learn, even though she has no clue. Thank you.

Footy Pajamas

Another rainy day. I have to admit, I do love the rain. For some reason I find it comforting. Nothing is better than curling up on the couch with a fuzzy, warm blanket on a quiet, rainy day with only a book to read or a few movies to watch. That just sounds like heaven. Of course, once you have children that heaven changes slightly. Suddenly, the fuzzy, warm blanket is sticky with last nights orange juice, the couch has been overrun with cracker crumbs, the quietness that afforded you a listen to the rain drops on the roof has been replaced with , “Mommy, will you play with me… Mommy, can I have a snack… Mommy, I need to poop,” and your new forced favorite movie has an annoying theme song you can’t get out of your head. Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of joy in that too, but sometimes it sure would be nice to go back to simpler days.

I’m emotional today although I’m not 100% sure why. Perhaps it’s because I’m saying farewell to some things God has told me to release. Perhaps it’s because I’m embarking on some new, scary journeys God has led me to embrace. Both are very uncomfortable for me. And I don’t deal with change very well. If you don’t believe me all you have to do is ask my husband. He will tell you… a change in plans, however slight can really throw me for a loop. I’m stepping out in faith right now. I’m doing my best to follow Him with obedience. I don’t really “like” it, but He is changing my heart slowly but surely with every step I take toward Him.

I stopped at the super-store to get some milk just a little while ago. As I made my way through the store I walked passed the pajama department. My eyes fell upon a rack I just had to go take a closer look at: adult size footy pajamas. Oh man, I was excited!!! I looked through them and thought about how ridiculous I would look in a pair of these bad-boys… but I also thought about how comfortable they would be. I remembered that a friend of mine had bought a pair last year, and a matching pair for her daughter. I looked at the price… $24.99. I thought it was a bit much for such a silly thing I didn’t really need. Instead of buying them, I picked up my cell phone and called my friend to tell her I had thought of her and her footy pajamas. It made her laugh. Oh how it was good to hear her laugh. I think she was having a rough morning… and we just spoke briefly but profoundly… something about not knowing the answers to the questions we don’t yet know. And… how we put too much pressure on ourselves to know answers to questions we don’t yet know. We both completely understood in that moment, although I’m not sure what the heck we were actually talking about now. We said goodbye and promised to talk again soon.

As I grabbed my milk and headed to the checkout counter I realized the reason I had considered getting the footy pajamas was really simple. I was longing to feel like a child again. I was longing to feel warm, cozy, and curled up safely on my couch. I was longing for the weight of adulthood, responsibility and decisions to be lifted from my shoulders even if only for awhile. I stopped in my tracks and thought about getting those footy pajamas again. $24.99 wasn’t such a bad deal if I could re-claim my comfy-cozy infancy for a moment or two, right?

Then I heard a whisper in my head and realized, I didn’t need to buy a pair of footy pajamas to feel like a cozy, comfy, protected child. All I had to do is ask God if I could nestle in with Him for a little while. I felt Him wrap His loving arms around me and there I stood, the child I longed to be. I felt warm and comforted. The weight of not knowing the answers to questions I didn't yet know lifted in an instant. To further my comfort, God told me I will never be a grown up in His eyes. And He is the type of Father that will always make time for me no matter when or where, no matter what He is doing. Always. Period.

Right now, the house is very quiet… I can actually hear the ticking of the clock in the hallway. It’s nice. I need to go pick my son up from pre-school in 5 minutes. After that, the quietness will be gone but giggles and endless questions will fill the void. As mommy, it is my job to make sure my son feels comfy, cozy and protected. In addition, it is my hope that when he is all grown up, he will recall his mommy teaching him that God can bring him back to his “footy pajama” days... anytime... every time he needs a break.

"What in the TAR-nation?"

Someone once told me the Bible was the cheapest book you can ever buy because every time you read it, it’s a new story. And it’s true, I learn something new every single time I sit down with it.

This Sunday, my husband and I attended a new adult faith class at the church we have been attending. It was our first time going to Sunday school in YEARS… and it was our son’s very first time ever. I’m happy to say, little Brett had a great time and learned about being nice to everyone. Hopefully that will stick! As for Ryan and I, we took a wild tricycle ride (literally, we watched crazy Pastor Rossow ride a tricycle down the center of the room) through 4 major stories in Genesis. First, we discussed Adam, the sneaky-lying-satan-serpent and Eve. Second, I realized how quickly after creation we humans screwed the world up by discussing Cain and Abel. Next was God’s painful decision to wipe “all evil, all the time” away with the Flood. We talked about the rainbow; God’s covenant promise to never ever do that again. He allowed us to start over… and promised that we needn’t be afraid. He told us to be fruitful and multiply and spread out all over the land. We were lucky, right? To have a chance to start over… to have a promise from the Big Guy that He would never flood us again. A sigh of relieve went through the land as we respectfully, graciously, glad-to-be-alive, quickly, obediently went about following God’s direct orders to a tee. Right???

Which brings us to the 4th story... I’m literally rolling on the floor laughing…. Ha ha ha!!! God told us to be fruitful and multiply and spread ourselves through-out the lands. So what did we do? We decided to build the Tower of Babel. That’s right… we decided to build a huge tower so we could all stay together… so we could all fit in one nice, neat, little area. The tower would reach higher and higher and higher… so we could keep an eye on God (wink wink). Yep… spreading throughout the land was overrated. We had a way better plan than God had and we needed to stick together. We needed to stay the same… no change for us! No discomfort needed… same old, same old was just perfect! So there went our respectful, obedience immediately.

As if our defiance weren’t enough, we lobed a big loogie at God as we built this tower of insubordination. What was that loogie? I’m so glad you asked… tar. Yep that’s right, tar. We built the danged tower with tar. Now why would that be a loogie to God??? I’m glad you asked… well, tar was one of the only things we had back in those days that was… waterproof. And why would we want a tower that was waterproof? Glad you asked… could it be… perhaps… we didn't TRUST God’s promise not to flood us again???? Could it be we DOUBTED God’s covenant???? Oh man. How does He put up with us??? (Grace)

As always, God gets us to do what He wants us to do no matter how much we kick and scream. With the snap of His fingers, the tower was gone (tar and all) and we were spread out over the lands with different languages to boot. I had never realized the significance of the tar until yesterday and it got me thinking. How many times in my own life do I try to “waterproof” my tower of disobedience?

The Lord tells me He loves me… and I need not worry (Matthew 6:25-34) yet everyday I find something to worry about. Today I’m sitting here worrying about why some of the women in one of my classes don’t seem to like me very much. It’s like I think my worry will make them like me or will help me change the situation. The truth is, God made me and not everyone is going to like me. God knows who I’m supposed to be close to. So why don't I trust Him?

The Lord says, do not judge (Luke 6:37-42) because He is the one and only judge. Yet there I stand, watching life take place around me as women I see continue affairs, men I am acquainted with sneak peeks at porn and others over-consume alcohol in an effort to try to “get away.” I’m not gonna lie… I judge, even when I don’t mean to. Do I really want to be judged by the measure with which I judge others???

The Lord tells me of the importance of reserving a special time of day to listen and be devoted to Him (Psalm 46:10)… yet it is so easy to choose to do something else instead like… watch Judge Judy or fool around on Facebook for hours looking at pictures of people I don’t even know. I know it's so rewarding to spend that time with Him, so why am I so easily distracted?

And what of this really difficult one… the Lord tells us we should share our troubles and sins with others so that we can be healed (James 5:16). Why is it that we think we have to pretend to be perfect for others? Why do we think we have to have it all together to be in a better position to help others? I was really surprised to hear that my openness about my alcoholism (and other issues) may lead others in need to think that I am not qualified to be a helping hand because I don’t “have it all together.” I only have one thing to say about that… we are all unqualified in some way. If you are in need and you finally find that person who says they have it all together so they can help you… you’ll be working with a liar. Jesus is the only exception. Interestingly enough, Jesus is also the only answer.

Yep, I use tar to build my tower just incase God isn’t gonna get it right. I always seem to have a backup plan, which is usually me attempting to take control of things and resting on my own powers instead of trusting God. Maybe one day I’ll remember that I don’t need a backup plan because God’s covenant is real and true. God doesn’t tell lies… God doesn’t play games. He just keeps giving us chance after chance after chance. He loves us unconditionally. He forgives us with no strings attached. He forgets the past and lets us start fresh. He is true to His word always. Although I’m pretty sure He is up there with a grin on His face as He shakes His head saying “What in the TAR-nation are you crazy people doing now?”

Out of Propane... Again!

I made a dumb, dumb, dumb mistake the other night… I left the gas tank valve on the grill open after I was done cooking. Not only could we have had a big explosion and burned our house down (thank goodness neither of us smoke) but when I went to cook our steaks last night… there was no fuel. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! I know a few of you can probably relate to that feeling… “Darn it (or other expletives)! I’m ready to grill and I don’t have any propane!!!!” The only thing worse than not being able to start the grill due to no propane is running out right in the middle of cooking your main course. We bought two propane tanks in an effort to avoid this unfortunate occurrence but due to pure laziness, they both usually end up empty at the same time. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Anyhow… I had the whole meal ready, except the steaks (bacon wrapped filets… yum) and Ryan became the savior of dinner by running out to get the refill tank as soon as he got home from work. In no time we were back in business… or so we thought.

The nozzle on the new tank was broken so no gas would come out. Argh… really??? I was quite perturbed… mostly with myself truth be told. It was my fault this whole thing had come about but in the moment all I could feel was agitation and it didn’t really matter what the root was. I grabbed the tank, slammed the door and went to the store myself to re-exchange the exchange.

As I parked at the Wal-mart market, God gave me a little reminder in my head… “You’re wearing one of my shirts child… be gracious, set a good example.” I heard Him clearly and took a peek at myself… I was wearing my statement of faith shirt. Check… set a good example… got it.

The market was BUSY! I went to the first cashier I saw and explained that I just need to exchange the tank really quickly. She told me I needed to go wait in line at the customer service desk. Okay, fine… until I saw how long the line was! Setting a good example left me in that moment. I went and took my place in line completely and utterly annoyed. Apparently everyone on the planet needed to cash a check, get a money order or buy cigarettes (people still buy them at $7 a pack – again, I’m was very glad neither of us smoke). I took several deep breaths and I heard God’s voice again in my head, “You’ve got the shirt on… don’t be a moron!” Okay, maybe He didn’t say moron, but He could have and I would have totally deserved it. I decided to “pretend” I was just fine for the sake of the shirt. Typing that makes me laugh a little.

I closed my eyes and tried to just silence myself. As I stood there trying to gather my inner thoughts and purify them slightly, my attention was drawn to the woman behind me who was talking on her cell phone. I didn’t turn and look at her, I just listened. The exact words out of her mouth were, “I am overwhelmed! I can’t handle this. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am so alone.” From listening, I gathered that she was going through a nasty divorce. Her husband was being very jealous, greedy and was slandering her to her friends, family and co-workers. Of course, the truth in situations can never be found by hearing just one side… but this was obviously her perception and it was obviously taking a huge toll on her. Near tears she repeated, “I am completely overwhelmed.” I decided to use my time in line to pray for her. Specifically, I asked for God to comfort her and to try and give her some moments of peace. I asked Him to hold her under his wing of protection. As I prayed, the image of God’s peace felt as though it were flowing out of me and into her… sort of like something you’d see in a sci-fi movie. It was like an invisible mist that transferred from my body over into hers… and it went on and on for as long as I prayed for her. I didn’t speak to her, although maybe I should have. It was almost my turn in line… and the girl in front of me grabbed my attention. She was buying a money order for $32.00 to pay her cable bill. She was also buying some milk, eggs and cheese with food stamps (it’s a credit card these days but the same idea none-the-less.) I haven’t been too far from being in her shoes in my life… unable to pay bills, unable to buy food free and clear of assistance. I remembered my homeless days. And there I stood pretending not to be mad about running out of propane on my second tank (cause I’m lazy) for my grill (which I don’t even need cause I have a kitchen) to make bacon wrapped filet mignon (a special meal we have quite often) for my happy, healthy family (whom I slammed the door on when I left the house). Wow… perspective hit me like a ton of bricks!!!! How ungrateful of me! I said a quick prayer for this young lady too. And when it was my turn, a real smile came to my face as I kindly explained my need for an exchange.

After getting the exchange taken care off, I went to my car ready to head back home. For some reason I was filled with anxiety though. It was strange… as if out of nowhere. I sat for a moment and realized I had passed all of my peace off to the lady behind me, maybe that was why I felt so anxious. As I started my car my eyes noticed a license plate across the parking lot. It said, “JOS.1.9” Hmmm… a Bible verse perhaps??? I just so happened to have my Bible on the car seat so I grabbed it and looked up Joshua 1:9. Here is what it said:

“Have I not told you? Be strong and have strength of heart! Do not be afraid or lose faith. For the Lord your God is with you anywhere you go.”

Wowwy… I had to laugh… and had to shout to the Lord in gladness! He is so there for me!!! He is so there for us at all times in so many ways. I am amazed and comforted!!!

I went home and finished cooking. I have to say I was sort of beating myself up for not speaking to the lady behind me in line. I mean, what if a simple hug would have made all the difference in her world? Why didn’t I do that??? Unaware of my internal battle, my husband decided to share with me the verses he was meditating on this week.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-11

I felt God tell me that passing comfort to her through prayer was good enough. I realized God's comfort is kinda like my propane tank. I have a tendency to only turn it on when I need it, then I turn it off tight when the steaks are done. But... I think what He really wants me to do is just leave the valve wide open all the time so I can share it with others when I'm not needing it myself. And the super cool thing is, God's tank never runs out... it just keeps going and going.

Only thirty minutes later after this realization, I found myself complaining (or other expletives) about how the across-the-street neighbor keeps parking in front of our house instead of his own… oh boy… when will I ever learn? Sorry God… I’m trying! The phrase "The difficulty with Christianity is that it is so daily" never seemed more true... except it was a lot more moment to moment for me right then. Thankfully, God will never give up on me and His tank just keeps going and going!

The Love I Give Away

Love can be confusing. I know my original conception of love wasn’t very accurate. I confused lust with love very often. I also confused acceptance or a need for acceptance with love as well. In addition I thought anger meant hate and because of that I was afraid to ever have anyone mad at me. On the other side of that coin, I never felt the freedom to be angry at the people I was supposed to love. It was confusing.

I’ve seen the phrase, “God is love” on tons of bumper stickers. One of my favorite Christian songs says of God, “You’re the love You give to me, You’re the love I give away.” I love the thought that all real love comes from God. And if it’s real love and it’s from God, then it’s pure and selfless. But how much of the love I pass around this world is really truly selfless?

More than a year ago I met a young lady who captured my heart. It was a chance kind of meeting… she is a missionary and I was writing a story on mission work. I asked her if I could interview her and she fit me into her schedule even though she was preparing to leave for a 2 year mission abroad. That day we met, I was feeling… emotional. I was having some regret and heartache over some past decisions. When we met, I put my “I’m okay” mask on in an effort to do the interview and go on my way. But, she knew. My interview was quick and like a flash the tables turned and she asked me one very simple question. She sat listening to my answer with a servant’s heart and when I was done she spoke a prayer to me as I cried. That was the beginning of a friendship I hold very near and dear to my heart today.

She was home for a visit this month, and I got the joy of spending some good quality time with her. Today I had to say goodbye to her again as she headed off to finish her second year on her current mission, and it was difficult and joyous at the same time.

As I drove to the airport to say goodbye and send her off with a hug, I realized that I finally understood fully what the lyrics mean… “You’re the love You give to me, You’re the love I give away.” To say I love her is an understatement. I can’t even express the love I feel for her. And it’s not the kind of love that has any sort of reason behind it or selfishness. It “just is.” It’s obvious to me that God has intentionally placed her in my heart so I can assist Him in doting His true and pure love upon this woman He absolutely adores. I am willing, able and excited to help her in anyway I can… she calls me generous which makes me uncomfortable because I know the generosity she sees and feels from me is really the generosity of God… it isn’t me at all! I feel like a different person when I am around her, doing for her or communicating with her… like the sinful me has been replaced by the total graciousness of God in full. It’s strange… but it feels awesome! It’s a window into God’s own heart that produces a humbling high that words can’t possibly convey. I feel so blessed to be chosen by God to love her in this way. I cherish that and her… Yes God, You are the love You give to me and You are the love I give away.

Thou Shalt Not Comb

My husband, Ryan, and I have really been developing spiritually in the last few years. One of the things in life that seems to go directly against that growth is television. But, I suppose if we keep it in perspective, stand firm on the things we believe then we’ll be alright. I don’t think God wants us to live in a Christ shaped bubble, blocking out the relevance (or irrelevance) of the world. In fact, as one of God’s “fishers of men” I think it is important to know what’s happening in today’s world. I’ve learned in time that nearly anything can be related to the walk of Jesus. With that in mind, we sat down Monday night to watch some television and see what the new fall season had to offer.

One of our favorite shows had two completely separate story lines going. The first one we thought was extremely witty, entertaining and true. It was about how we as people should be confident enough with who we are that we don’t need to change what we say and do just to make others happy. I whole heartedly agree with this… but I wish it were as easy as it sounds. In my old, drunken life I truly had no idea who I was. I changed my personality completely based on who I was around and what situation was before me. I was a personality chameleon… and I told a lot of big lies. It was hard to keep up with, but it was worth it in my warped little mind because I thought that was why people liked me. As it turns out, I don’t think too many people actually did like me, because… I didn’t stand for anything, no one could figure me out and, oh yeah… I was a liar. I am still a died-in-the-wool people pleaser, and even though I’m sober I struggle with this every day. I don’t ever want to feel like anyone is mad at me. Sometimes my fear of disappointing others causes me to be dishonest about simple things. Think about it, if someone asked Jesus to go to a two hour network marketing presentation He had no interest in, I don’t imagine He’d be so insecure that He would need to come up with 3 or 4 excuses just to feel okay about saying no. I can hear it… “Well, my donkey is lame so I don’t have a ride. And one of the straps on my sandal broke so I really should get that fixed before I walk too far or I might get a blister. Plus Martha is making me a big dinner...” nope… I don’t think so. I imagine His answer would be, “No thank you.” Why is that so hard for me???? The word “No,” then a period. I’m working on that.

The second story line was totally disturbing to me. The one funny part was that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have found it disturbing at all. I would have actually found it comforting… everyone else is doing it… so it’s okay. The premise was that when you are in the committed relationship of marriage that it is totally okay to fantasize about other people. I was very pleased to see my husband shaking his head in total disagreement with this… in fact he said “Thou Shall Not Covet!” as he watched it. We both chuckled! My laugh and gladness at his statement had nothing to do with jealousy and everything to do with God’s wish for our lives. I adamantly believe my spouse is a true gift from God. I am supposed to cherish him and honor him. I am supposed to be committed and stand by him no matter what. My entire relationship with my husband is an act of worship to God… and if I let another man enter that worship space in any way, I am totally disrespecting the gift. I am essentially spitting on the gift! Now, I’m not gonna lie and say I don’t ever see men who intrigue me or catch my eye. I’m not even gonna lie and say I understood this whole concept the first 5 years of my marriage… because I didn’t!!!! I spit on my gift many times before I began to understand. And to this day, I still have eyes to see, ears to hear and interests that are occasionally sparked by others… but it’s what I do with those sights, sounds and interests that matter. I can choose to comb over them slowly in my head (combing leads to teasing and everyone know that too much teasing leads to a big, knotted mess. Even the best brush can’t get those tangles out without a lot of pain and hair-loss)… or I can choose to reject them and refocus on the awesome gift God has given me. If I have a hard time rejecting them, I pray hard, I go to the Word and pick a verse to help me. I repeat it over and over and sometimes I even ask my trusted prayer partners to pray for me to be released from temptation. God is faithful and if I look to Him to help me reject sin, He most certainly will.

Another thing about God is that He has extremely high standards. So high that if I allow another man to enter my thoughts in a lustful manner, I may as well just go ahead and go all the way with him physically. Now, I’m not saying if I’ve thought about it and it’s like doing it, I may as well just go ahead and do it. What I’m saying is… it is of upmost importance to not allow myself to go there at all, even in my mind.

In closing, I’d like to say that thankfully, God allows U-turns…. Phew! I recently joked with some friends that some days I feel like I’m just walking in circles, taking one U-turn after another. I LOVE that Ryan and I have grown to the point spiritually that we are not as confused by what we see on television. I’ll tell you this though, I do plan on keeping my eyes open. I’m sure there are plenty of things I don’t know to watch out for yet and the devil (along with society) would like nothing better than for me to be unaware of their impact. Today I’m so glad I was able to take that misleading story line that Satan was trying to use to desensitize society into not following God’s heart and turn it around in this writing and tell all of you who read this (all two of you) to stand firm on your commitment and don’t let anyone invade your worship space… it’s for you, your spouse and God…. period.

Only an Idiot

One of my spiritual mentors once told me that when I open the Bible to read God’s word, it is like allowing God to breathe new life into me. Me, a prisoner of sin who isn’t in-and-of-herself worthy to stand face to face with God. Yet, all I have to do to know I am close to Him, to feel His breath, is open His word.

Imagine this for a moment, I am in real prison… on death row. The fact of my innocence or guilt is moot. The only thing that really matters is that tomorrow I have a date with the gas chamber. There is one man who can change my fate… the president. All I need to do is get to him and ask him to save me, right? No problem. Oh wait, I’m in prison. The bars, the guards, the really tall wall with barbed wire and sharpshooters kinda-sorta stand in my way… hmmm.

Imagine for a moment, the prison warden has decided to let me have a two hour pass of freedom as long as I promise to return in exactly two hours (it could happen, right?). I take the bus downtown (my prison is conveniently located right outside of DC), and head over to the White House. I walk right up to the front door and knock on it. Mrs. Obama opens the door… oh wait. Even a free person can’t walk right up to the White House and knock on the door. There are guards and a large fence and many guns between me and the president. Not one person on this two hour journey would tell me that I am worthy to have the conversation I need to have with Mr. Barack Obama. Innocent or guilty, my fate is sealed. I resign myself to death and go back to the prison (or maybe secretly try to catch the redeye to Tahiti).

Well, before Jesus died on the cross for us, our relationship with God wasn’t much different than the scenario above I just asked you to imagine. DISCLAIMER: Let me state this clearly: I AM IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM SAYING OUR PRESIDIENT IS A GOD OR ANYTHING LIKE GOD. HE IS NOT! I am merely trying to illustrate a point. Before Jesus came to the world and took on the role of the living, breathing Word of God… all we had was a “deal” with God. The deal was this, He would set us free if we promised to be perfect by abiding by the 10 commandments. I’m not sure if you realize this, but we aren’t very good at being perfect so with that deal in place, we were simply not worthy to have a direct relationship with God. We were trapped in a prison, behind bars with armed guards all around and only our guilt to keep us company. The one and only being that could release us from our certain death was behind a curtain we could only dream of looking at. There were prophets sent by God and priests to be the go-between and help us attain forgiveness and understand the way. Abraham, David, Elijah, Elisha, John the Baptist are just a few. Because of God’s love for us, and His desire to be connected to us He changed the deal… He sent His only son to show us the way. He sent His only son to take our sin on as His own. He sent His only son to die in the gas chamber so we wouldn’t have to. He sent His only son to die for all the things we’ve done and even the things we haven’t yet thought to do. Hebrews 10: 19-23 tells us that Jesus’ death opened the curtain between us and God. Matthew 27:51 tells us that at the very moment of Jesus’ death, the curtain in the temple was torn in half from top to bottom. It is only by the sacrifice of Jesus that we are invited into a personal, loving, one-on-one relationship with our heavenly Father.

Go back now to my original request for your imagination. I am sitting in my prison cell knowing that the end is near. I am most certainly guilty of the offense I am sentenced to die for and I know I totally deserve what is coming. A guard comes to me and says, “You have a visitor.” But I’m not expecting anyone… my friends have abandoned me and my family is ashamed… who could it be?

To my grand surprise, the president appears right outside my cell. I am shocked because he has sought me out completely on his own. I feel strange to be in his presence, after all he is the president and he is the only one who can save my physical life. He looks directly in my eyes and says, “I know you’re guilty but I found someone who will gladly take the fall for you so if you want, I can set you free right now. What do you say, do you want to live in freedom or would you rather die? ”

Put yourself in those shoes for just moment… what would your answer be? Only an idiot would choose death over freedom… right?

I am in those shoes every single day. I am guilty, every day. I am innately unworthy of redemption and sentenced to death… but…God has sought me out completely on his own. God removed my unworthiness with His grace and His Gift. The life He offers is so much more than any president could ever offer. The life God offers is eternal and filled with blessings I can’t even fathom. And Jesus willingly did the hard part for me… all I have to do is say “Yes, I want to live. I believe. Lord, breathe your life into me!”

Yes, the breath of God is right there as I open the Bible. And God breathed life into his Word when He sent Jesus. It is amazing!!!! With all this on my mind these past few weeks, I found the following text from worship this Sunday quite fitting…

“Without your Word, we were lost and condemned. Without your Word, we were forever separated from you. Without your Word our sin made us unclean and unfit for your holy presence. Now we claim the forgiveness that is ours in Jesus Christ. We praise you for the salvation we have received freely by your grace! We sing of your greatness and power, for you have removed our transgressions!”

Open your Bible and let Him breathe on you… only an idiot would choose death over freedom.

Ah-Choo

Years ago, before I got sober, I used to think I was a pretty darn good Christian. I was nice to people, I had never done anything horrible, and I wasn’t walking around badmouthing God. I felt pretty good about myself and my standing with the Big Guy. It wasn’t until I started to actually try to understand what Christianity really was that I realized perhaps the perception I had of myself, was a little off. Sobriety led me to a real relationship with God. I remember as if it were yesterday, the day we went over the Ten Commandments in the Exploring the Bible class I took. Specifically, I remember thinking “Oh crap” with each commandment I read… and my “Oh crap” got louder and longer as I went from one to ten. That was when I realized… I wasn’t a darn good Christian at all. In fact, I had been a pretty crappy Christian most my life. My heart began pounding in my chest and my palms got sweaty… I was scared… and I think I actually said “I’m screwed!” out loud. The fear that was sparked in me actually proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had a lot to learn about our loving God and this Christianity stuff.

I could get into all the inner workings of my last statement, but that would be a very long article for me to write and for you to read, so I’m just going to focus on one of the commandments right now…

Exodus 20:7 (NIV) reads like this: "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.” The most common way I have heard it is, "Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain."

For years I had no idea what this meant and I was embarrassed to admit to anyone that I didn’t understand. I thought it was just something everyone understood and I was stupid for not getting it. Finally, I asked my husband to spell it out for me and he was able to get me to actually understand. Here is how he explained it to me. He asked me how I would feel if everyone started to say “Oh Wendy” every time they stubbed their toe or had something bad happen to them. I thought about it for awhile and the light bulb came on… that would suck to have my name associated with bad stuff. I would really dislike that and I’m not even someone who has done something incredible, like create the world and everything in it. It was then that I began to make a conscious effort to stop using God’s name without purpose, good or bad. The way I look at it now is, if I am not actually talking to God, praising Him and having a direct purpose in the use of His name… I am using it in vain. But it’s more complicated than that… society has created some tricks to try and get around it… “Oh my gosh” “Gosh darnit” and such… and in my opinion, purposely mispronouncing it is not a loophole. There are people who argue for and against this… but I’m just saying, for me… I feel like the original intent behind the habit (and I believe whole heartedly it is just a bad habit) is violating the commandment. Trust me, I’m guilty!!!! Now days when I stub my toe really hard on something the word, “God” just flies out of my mouth without thought… then I will intentionally follow it up with “bless America” then say a quick prayer for America to try and put myself on the up and up with God. Usually though, I quickly apologize to God for the infraction. I don’t beat myself up for it, but I have gotten a lot better about it in the past years. I am proud to say that it actually shocks me in public or in movies when I hear the Lord’s name used in vain, especially “GD”. I am glad I am not numb to that anymore. I am glad to be more sensitive and aware in that way. Speaking of awareness, I realized there was one place in my life I was not applying my new rules… the world of text speak. Since this realization, “OMG” has been permanently deleted from my internet shorthand. (BTW, does NE1 know what OMIK means??? JK WCA)

Lately my little brain prompted me to wonder, is saying “God Bless you” to a sneezer if you really don’t mean it a way of using the Lord’s name in vain???? I mean, if it’s just a gut reaction rather than a truly felt and meant response, is it just as bad as saying “”GD”? Some of you probably think I’m kidding, that my question is a joke but it’s not. I felt kind of silly wondering about it, but I finally asked a pastor friend of mine what he thought. While perhaps it was a silly thing to seriously ponder, I am so glad God set the question in my heart because what resulted from my question was a completely new understanding of what the Second Commandment is referring to.

Joe (my pastor friend), referred me to this article: http://www.achievebalance.com/spirit/cnc/third.htm You may not have time or want to read it so I’ll just give you my perception of what it says. Basically, we make a conscious decision to take on the Lord’s name as our family name when we make the decision to be a Christian (much like a wife decides to take the name of her husband upon marriage). When we take on His name as ours, we have a responsibility to make appropriate changes to our lives… to try our best to live like a follower of Christ (much like the change in life that occurs in marriage… no more dating, no more living alone – you are joined as one and you make decisions together). If we take on the family name of God but we do not make the appropriate changes that decision dictates, then we are essentially… taking His name in vain... taking on His name in vain.

So, taking the Lord’s name in vain can be as elementary as a slip of the tongue AND as serious as an inconsistent lifestyle. Wow… this really spoke to me. At the end of the article, the writer reminded me that we are all sinners and it is impossible to live a life that never takes the Lord’s name in vain so… just like with all the other commandments… it’s important for me to remember God’s grace and love is the only way I can ever deserve to carry His name. I must continue to consciously search for Him. I must attempt to live in intentional discipleship and do my best as a woman who has taken on the family name of God. This Commandment is a lot bigger than controlling the words that flow from my mouth.

Retreat & Renewal

I took a class many months ago called “Renewal in Christ.” It’s funny, when I heard about it there was this little indignant voice in my head that said, “There is NO WAY I’m gonna go to THAT! I don’t need RENEWAL in Christ… I’m just fine the way I AM!” But, low and behold, there I sat with a good friend of mine for a weekend dubbed, “Renewal in Christ.” It was one of the best uses of my time ever!!! And it just confirmed that anytime that little voice in my head says, “I don’t need this!!!” I should immediately sign up for whatever it is.

“Renewal in Christ” basically gave me some tools to use in my prayer life. Some of them I had already known about and some of them were brand new to me. One of the warnings at the end was that since I had taken the steps to improve my connection with God I might expect that the devil would be waiting in the wings to tempt me away from God and make my prayer life challenging for a time. I have to admit, that came to fruition. I can’t put my finger on exactly what it was… but I had an extremely difficult time praying for months after the class. It was difficult to even string a sentence together towards God… so difficult that I would just settle on saying, “I’m sorry God… I’m trying.” I tried several different techniques but none of them worked. I was all over the place, couldn’t concentrate… and left a lot of my prayers to be said on my behalf by people I love (by the way… that works too. If you find you are unable… others CAN help and the Spirit is always there ready and willing to intercede on your behalf). One day I broke down when talking with a therapist. I told him I hadn’t been able to pray in a long time and that it was really bothering me. He told me to just keep trying, that was all God wanted. So, that’s what I did.

About a month ago, I had a breakthrough in my prayer life after finally doing something I think God had been wanting me to do for months… nail down my priorities! I got a huge piece of butcher paper, a ruler and some magic markers and created a month schedule. My priorities came into focus as I filled in the minutes of the days. I scheduled a 30 minute prayer time for myself everyday! It’s funny, once the schedule was complete… my prayers just came easy as pie. I haven’t missed a day yet and they flow easily – I end up going over my 30 minutes without even realizing it. As a result, my daily conscious connection to God is so much better!

I decided to take the plunge and plan a longer prayer time… the pastor who taught “Renewal in Christ” suggested baby steps in this… to go from a portion of your day to maybe a day and then a weekend and then perhaps even up to a week. I asked my husband if he would be cool with me a taking a weekend away from it all to just be with myself and connect with God. Thankfully, he was fully supportive so I made my reservation at a local resort.

I didn’t know what to expect at all. There is the part of me that is very fearful of new situations and places. I wasn’t sure if I would be petrified and just stay in my hotel room alone all weekend… or if I’d be able to venture out a bit. The place I stayed had 40 acres, a beautiful lake and both indoor and outdoor pool and hot tubs. It was gorgeous! It felt strange at first, my heart felt kind of hardened. A friend let me borrow a prayer book/meditation called “With Open Hands” I pulled it out of my bag as I unpacked. I was feeling strange so I decided to go for a walk around the grounds to find where everything was. Should I eat, where should I eat? Should I go swimming, which pool? Should I take a walk, which trail? Should I watch TV? The only thing on was Criminal Minds and that really wasn’t what I had in mind for a prayer retreat! It didn’t take long before I was sitting in my room feeling strange again, so I went ahead and sat down to read through the first chapter of the prayer book. Funny… it was about silence. The meditation was “Why do I avoid silence?” If that didn’t hit the nail on the head for why I felt strange… I don’t know what would have. My life is SO noisy… cell phones, television, a 4 year old constantly needing something, a dog who barks about everything, the radio in the car... silence just doesn’t happen unless I make it happen. This was my chance to really make it happen… I embraced it and allowed the strangeness to slide away. I laid down in the dark and silent room and meditated for a long while then decided to just drift off to sleep.

The morning was glorious! I felt brand new!!! I felt happy and restored!!! I decided to get some coffee and take a walk around the lake (2 mile walk). I wasn’t nervous about being alone, I was just satisfied in full. I heard nature and my own breath. I heard the ground crunching under my shoes and I knew that it was all because of God’s grace that I was there, enjoying His world. After my walk, I sat at a picnic table to read some of the prayer book. It was about depending on God. I had this realization… God doesn’t use the gifts He gives us to manipulate us… humans do that. God gives us gifts and asks nothing in return. Wow… once again I am astounded by the way I incorrectly label God with human characteristics! Then it came to me… I am afraid to depend on God fully because I fear He will ask me to do something I don’t think I am able to do, something outside of my current skill set. I fear failure so I want to just continue doing the things I already know how to do. My head knows God will never ask for anything He won’t give me the ability and support to do but it comes down to heart. I must decide to trust fully and open up and accept that He will not let go of me.

I found myself able to do something I hadn’t been able to do in a long time… just be fully kind with no expectations. I was wearing a smile… and saying hello to everyone around me. It was like the piece of Jesus that once resided in me was back!!! My retreat had already accomplished something amazing, I could end it now and be elated. I think it’s only fair to say, that the kind part of me that seemed to be missing hadn’t really gone anywhere… it had just gotten crusted over with some hardening. Life does that to us sometimes. That’s why we all need retreats.

I went to the pool. I was the only one there and it was cool, only because of how early it was. I took a refreshing swim then sat down to complete another task God asked of me a week earlier. I had been upset with myself, and praying about how easily someone (of influence) in my life had gotten me confused about aspects of my Christianity. God suggested that I write down in plain and simple terms what it is I believe and why. That way it would be right there in black and white. It would be real and concrete… confusion would have no choice but to flee. I sat there at the pool going through my Bible… I read through all four Gospels and came up with my list… and linked them each to various places in the Bible. I’m not sure my list is complete but… wow, I have a much better understanding of what I stand firm on. One of the things I wrote down was “Always love” and another was “Always forgive.” I opened a different book to read a chapter which ironically told me I needed to do some major forgiveness. I went to my room and completed the suggested exercise of talking it out with an empty chair. I’m sure I looked like a nutbag but I didn’t care. I came to the conclusion; I had to forgive this person… so I could be forgiven by God, so I could stop hurting myself and because I knew I was bound to sin again in this lifetime. Forgiveness was a must. I went to my knees and made it real.

I took another walk later… found a cozy little corner outside with tall pine trees and a comfy wooden reclining chair. The prayer book talked about different types of prayer… prayers of petition, prayers of praise and prayers of thanksgiving… but the real distinction to concern myself with was… were my prayers considered prayers of little faith (I’ll pray for this even though I don’t think it will happen – what could it hurt???) or prayers of hope (I know God will answer me, I know God’s will will be done!)??? I have to say in searching my heart… I discovered that my prayers are full of hope. They didn’t used to be… but they are now. I pray with certainty that God will take care of me and others. I recognize that He will not always answer them with what I want but He will always answer in time. The Bible tells us that if we believe, God will give us whatever we pray for… but it also tells us that if we believe, God will show us what to pray for. I smiled at the thought that I was doing this hope thing pretty well. I was thankful!

I was on a roll so I moved to a new spot and read the next section. It was about compassion and I have to tell you… my pride was in place. I had just read about how awesome I was doing in my prayer life and now I was going to read about compassion – something I considered myself fluent at. Oh boy… can I just tell you that I didn’t understand a word in the first several pages of this chapter. I felt like I was reading a foreign language. What a shock to have compassion be so challenging for me to understand. Here is what I did get… “A human being is not someone who once in a while makes mistakes and God is not someone who now and then forgives.” I then wrote down this prayer in hopes that I would remember to say it now and again, “I do not know the answer and I can’t do this on my own but I don’t need to know and I don’t have to be able.”

I was exhausted so I took a nap… ahhh.

This is kind of funny, I used to love romantic movies until I realized how harmful they were to me. I just latched on to the idea of that perfect never-ending love and really believed “movie love” was possible! When I got sober and checked into reality, I found that I really disliked those movies and was angry at myself for allowing myself to be so misled by them. Here’s the funny part… for some strange reason… I had really been wanting to re-watch the movie Titanic lately. The first time I watched it the love story made me fall head-over-heels for Leonardo! Here’s the really funny part… I was flipping channels on the television and there it was. And imagine my luck, it had just started! I sat watching it with a smile, enjoying it but not for the same reason I loved it the first time. I wasn’t quite sure why I was enjoying it. Half way through, I felt the urge to go outside for another walk and meditation time so I did. I returned in time to watch the last 45 minutes of the movie (wow - that’s a long movie). At the end, when Jack was making Rose promise to go on with her life and never give up, I started to cry. I’m not typically a crier so it surprised me especially since I wasn’t so involved with the characters… I asked myself why I was crying. That’s when I realized why I was enjoying this movie so much… and why I was emotional. In my mind, the movie related to what Jesus has done for me. He saved me… in every way I could ever be saved. He did it in love. He did it for free. He died for me. He asked me to make a promise to him… to never give up. I know, it’s silly to relate a pop culture movie to the reality of the great Jesus Christ, but it really struck me in those moments.

I set my clock to watch the sunrise. I had the coffee maker ready and the lounging chair in place. I sat perched in my chair at 5:15 am knowing the sun wouldn’t be up for quite some time. I sat there sipping coffee and praying for the people driving by. I watched the moon and stars slowly slide to the west across my window until they were out of view. It was so quiet. The sun peeked over the horizon at 6:30ish and it was beautiful. I’m not sure I ever remember watching a sunrise before.

I decided to take another 2 mile walk around the lake before it got too hot. I got my coffee and strawberries and headed that way. But the feeling I had on this morning was much different than the feeling I had the prior morning. Instead of peace and serenity, I was struck with pure fear. Anxiety began to rise in me, almost uncontrollably. I wondered if I should not go for this walk all alone. I wondered if some danger awaited me out there that might leave my husband and child wondering what happened to me years later. Panic invaded my mind, body and heart. I prayed asking God if I should take this walk. He said yes. So I stepped forward to do it, in fear. As I walked, I told God over and over that I trusted He would take care of me, but admitted I was still afraid. For some reason I could not escape the fear. My head turned at every little noise. I kept telling God I trusted Him…I kept telling God I was afraid. I wondered why I was so scared. I made it all the way around without incident then sat down on the picnic table ready to read another part of the prayer book. Imagine my surprise to discover a lesson on courage awaiting me in the book. Part of following God’s will is having great courage in the face of fear. I learned that being afraid is okay sometimes… and it doesn’t mean we don’t have faith, it simply means we are human. I recall a well-meaning organization telling me that faith and fear can not be present at the same time. I guess I bought into that and since then have thought that if I truly had faith, I would never be afraid. My walk of terror showed me that, for me, that simply wasn’t true. Oh how I understood why I had been so afraid… God was teaching me a personal lesson, a lesson I will not soon forget.

After another early morning dip in an isolated pool, I sat back and read a final lesson. It was a big idea… the idea of how our lives can actually become prayer instead of our lives just including prayer. What if everything we did we were able to have an awareness of God’s hand? What if everything we saw made us realize how powerful and present our Lord is? What if we were to regard every single person we came across as a real brother or sister in Christ? What if our lives were a living prayer to the Creator?

I left the hotel feeling a mix between excitement to get home to my loving husband and adorable son and reluctance to re-enter my noisy, busy life. Funny, both excitement and reluctance at the same time. If I’m going to be honest, I have to admit I have those same feelings about God at times too. Interesting how doing the things we know are good for us incites such confliction. I, for one, will make a habit of taking my retreat time, my quiet time with God… little bits daily but also bigger weekend renewals as needed. Like I said, I feel like I got a little Jesus shaped piece of myself back… but all I really did was let God work a miracle, softening a slightly hardened heart. I had a true renewal in Christ experience and I highly recommend it!

Overwhelmed by Grace

I heard an amazing sermon message at Saturday night service this week and I just HAD to write about it. The idea of what I am going to share with you is not my own, but these are my experiences and my interpretation of what the pastor shared with the congregation. I have to say a light bulb went off for me… and I am so very grateful.

Orphans
I had a loving family growing up, but I have stilled lived the majority of my life as though I were an orphan. In many ways I orphaned myself; it was not necessarily done for me. No matter what I did or where I went, I simply didn’t feel like I fit in. I jumped from school to school, friend to friend, job to job, relationship to relationship, place to place trying to find the place I truly belonged. I made a willful decision to leave college and my family in the United States to follow a boy to another country. I was never more orphaned than at that point in my life… I had no one. The boy I left it all for turned out to be… just a human being, flawed and orphaned himself. I expected a lot more and ended up extremely hurt. Years later, my self-imposed orphan status led me to alcoholism. I had been silently crying out to the world, “Someone… please… adopt me… I need to be loved… I want to belong… I want a daddy who accepts me just the way I am.” McGlynn’s Pub became my “daddy” for a few years. I went there every night drinking with strangers who soon became my family. No matter what I did, I was accepted. They knew my name, they knew my drink and they saved my bar stool for me. I felt loved. Getting sober made my “family” and acceptance disappear. I found a new family at AA. That worked for awhile but soon I had to face reality… I was still an orphan in my mind. Last night as I listened to the message I realized a part of that orphan still lives inside of me… I am unable to commit to a church family. I’ve told myself that it’s because I want to have the freedom to go where I wish, that I can’t choose between the two worship styles my husband and I disagree on, that churches are too eager to have you join and it is a turn off but I think the truth of the matter is… I still see myself as an orphan and I am afraid. Admitting this makes me tear up.

Slaves
I’m a mother. It’s a job I take very seriously. I attend a Christian parenting class once a week in an effort to do it right. One of the things I have learned in class is the importance of letting my son know that no matter what happens, no matter what he does, even when I’m angry or disappointed with him that I still love him. He must know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him unconditionally. Now this doesn’t mean he can walk all over me, it just means that hopefully he will sleep soundly at night with the knowledge that he is truly loved by his mother. Perhaps it is a generational thing, but this concept seems to be quite different from the way a lot of people my age were raised. Now, let me say this clearly… I am not blaming my parents or saying they did anything wrong in what I am about to say. I grew up thinking that love hinged on my good deeds. Somehow I ended up with this perception that the only time I was loved was when I had done something to make me worthy of love. On the flip side, when people were upset with me, I truly believed I was hated… yes, hated. I have many friends that grew up feeling the same way so, like I said, perhaps it was a generational thing… and as a result of these perceptions, I essentially became a slave for love. I have spent my life working diligently at earning the love of others. To this very day, I do not handle conflict very well. While my head now understands that real love doesn’t work that way, my habits and heart are easily led astray. I find myself working for love in almost every aspect of my life. The biggest aspect this affects is my relationship with God. I realized last night that I am continuing to diligently attempt to earn the love of my Father with everything I do. Yes, when I become still or even step backwards slightly my flesh begins to panic, afraid that the favor that God has rested on me will be ripped away and given to someone else who is more deserving. The devil is readily waiting at my ear, whispering confirmations of this incorrect belief. I have believed satan for far too long. It’s time to change. It’s time to step into God’s grace and believe with all I have, with total faith that I am truly loved regardless! I must accept that I am spoken for because I believe… that I am truly His daughter. Typing this makes me tear up for a different reason.

Daughters
A daughter of the King was created to enjoy all the kingdom has to offer. She was not created to be alone or to be enslaved. She is lovingly disciplined when she screws up, but never punished. She is fully aware of the responsibilities she has to be the best daughter she can be but she also knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that her Father’s love is not dependant on her performance. She is fully and awesomely aware of His grace. She is conscious of His presence and knows she is never alone. She is not an orphan, nor is she a slave… she is a rightful heir. She is confident… she accepts her family responsibility proudly and wears her families crest with honor never doubting where she belongs. How does she do this? She answers two questions honestly. I have asked them of myself: What do I know to be true about God? He loves me. What do I know to be true about me? I believe He sent His son Jesus to die for me. Today I start a new life. It isn’t the life of a lonely, confused and frightened orphan and it’s not the life of a workaholic, worried slave… but it is the life of a confident, responsible and humble daughter. An heir to the eternal kingdom of heaven! It’s only by grace that I understand this… and I am in fact… overwhelmed by grace. This changes everything.